#nobody ever understands the pain they've all been chosen before
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#I don't think I'm capable of being loved so much that I'm proposed to#fuck all I want is to get married and be in love and finally stop hating myself#I wanna bang my head against a wall until I don't exist#nobody ever understands the pain they've all been chosen before#I've never been chosen for the full me#I just wanna cling onto someone and cry during the nasty dark moments#like when sex and regression and trauma mix#when my brain works against me#when I am 100% sure there's no way past this#I keep forgetting that I'm doomed to be alone and keep getting my heart broke I'm so angry and hate myself#I feel like I'm drowning on air#I'm crying and sobbing and verging on sh I dunno what to do everything feels fake#fake*#I lost my sister and I lost my dad I just really fucking need somebody#I can't turn 30 and be alone I've already had puking fits over trying to accept the fact that I'll be 25 and single#im fucking going ballistic I don't wanna be alone#the only thing that's gonna make me happy is finally having a partner and that's just not gonna happen#I'm going to be a 30 yr old virgin FUCK#since my family has shamed me out of journaling I gotta go back to SH I can't deal with any of this#there's just so much going wrong#my life is falling apart I have no one
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