#not to gas myself up but like. i might start writing again if enough ppl tell me to | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stronghours · 3 years

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CUSTOMER SERVICE

E T S Y

Darling Fallon Sep 3, 2013

Sensational (sin-sational!). i write on behalf of myself (S) and my lover (m). we have been ripped off by bulk-produced molded hoods before and i can only say HAND CUT LATEX ONLY never look back!! worth the money and will eventually pay for itself. neck fit like loving glove and adds dynamic intensifier to breathplay. Lovely proprietor replied prompt when “m” had questions re: breathability (she added extra breathing hole at no extra cost). class acts all around (and not just in our dungeon!) will return for more but “m” needs a break first if u get the drift lol1!! thanks to lady j!

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Latex Chrysalis Hood (translucent…

3 Helpful

myMister Aug 24, 2013

this one writes on behalf and with permission of MISTER. this one quaked with bliss when package arrived. truly awful to behold in the wise hands of MISTER. this one’s neck is small and delicate For His Pleasure and all item adjustments were made to order and did not affect shipping time. if this one could be so efficient For His Pleasure this one would be in heaven on earth. instead, this one is less than a hole. item truly enhanced <O sensation. without a doubt will be used over and over in this household for due punishments of this very worthless one. discrete pgk’ing. thanks to designer J for deepening this one’s service to MISTER.

(NOTE FROM MISTER – WILL PROPRIETER PLEASE PRIVATELY EMAIL TO DISCLOSE IF YOU ARE MALE/FEMALE/OTHER SO “myMister” (this one) WILL BE ABLE TO PROPERLY ADDRESS YOU IN ACCORDANCE WITH ITS FORMAL ROLE)

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Throttle Collar w/ attached Gas…

1 Helpful

JulieJuice August 3, 2013

LOL rip-off!!! cant believe all u ppl sucking this guys dick. says everywhere in product descript. (and you guys reviews!!) that custom sizing is no additl. cost but mine cost more!! only small alteration to titty holes cause of my cleave situation. bullshit. not buying from him again.

Response from J

Hi again Julie. If you check our many enlightening inbox conversations from 7/5-7/16 you will be reminded the additional cost was due to your request of more ring hinge insertions as the standard amount in pattern block “was not bling enough”. Cleavage was irrelevant. Sizing related alterations are always no added cost. Custom alterations requiring additional materials/effort and adjusted pricing will always be discussed and approved on client end before any exchange of payment.

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Hexagon Restrictor Harness…

HELPFUL?

HannahCakes! Jun 1, 2013

Hey Whats Up I’m Caleb (obviously don’t have an etsy) and using my lady’s account. She got the catsuit for my birthday and she looked so sexy like J-Lo or someone. Didn’t want her doin the latex stuff because I thought shed have to shave off all her pubes and personally i like that kind of thing a lot but no harm done. Anyway she was super sexy and the suit thing looked good and stayed together even when we started rockin. To other full bush guys out there if youre girl wants to wear the latex stuff SHE CAN KEEP HER BUSH she just has to use lube to oil up the bush that she has.

Purchased item: DeMarco FetishWear – Domina Catsuit w/ Pussycat Zipper (red…

7 Helpful

HannahCakes! 3 months ago Friend Ignore

Caleb Review

Hi J,

Saw my boyfriend’s 6/1 review and I was like uh ohhh. I asked him to leave one because he went gaga over the catsuit, but I wasn’t expecting all the bush stuff. If you don’t want to be associated with that and want to delete, that’s ok on my end. A little embarrassing! – Hannah!

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear 3 months ago Friend Ignore

Hi Hannah. Please don’t worry about it, any positive review is welcome. His feedback has apparently hit a chord with some specific hesitations and concerns buyers have been experiencing but not confiding with me, so I plan on keeping it up for the time being. Enjoy your garment.

JoeyoftheHerd 3 months ago Friend Ignore

Moo-cow snout muzzle thing – (idea i had)

Hi. Is this idea good

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear 3 months ago Friend Ignore

Hi Joey. Are you interested in a custom cow muzzle/mask, like the pup play masks on my page or are you just brainstorming for personal reasons?

Reply from JoeyoftheHerd 3 months ago Friend Ignore

idk it’s just an idea i had

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear 3 months ago Friend Ignore

It’s a cool idea

Reply from JoeyoftheHerd 3 months ago Friend Ignore

Thanks man i thought so 2

1234Brett10093456 3 months ago Friend Ignore

I REMEMBER YOU FROM RAWHIDE

JULES yes I know who you are and I know your name are you scared yet?? I remember when you used to hang with Roscoe out at Rawhide because Roscoe pretended to hire you because he secretly wanted to fuck and suck you till you cried and I saw all that. I have brown flippy hair, blue eyes and am tall/cut versatile but lean TOP. I know you faked being gay. You heard of bi-now-gay-later but have you heard of gay-then-straight-betrayer (you)? That is fucked up that you still sell stuff but pretend to be a gay guy because that makes your stuff sell better because the gay guys want to fuck you. I know you are faking because my muscle bud Tomas (latino) saw you making out with a ginger chick at the wet bar in Entrance last week. He said it was probably a joke but I know it wasn’t because he said he saw tongue. I wont let you be a breeder without a fight. I am willing to tell EVERYBODY YOURE SECRET. But I wont if you prove to me YOU CAN STILL BE GAY. Im attaching a pic of my cock so you know im not lying and can follow through. I will only believe YOU ARE GAY if we can see each other face/face (i can host only on fri- I have two roommates) and our cocks have to touch and you have to stay hard for at least five minutes while I suck and jack your cock and tongue your balls (shave or dont i will leave that up to you). condoms ok but if you want to be a breeder so bad maybe I will just breed your ass but if youre actually a gay guy you’ll like it and cum thick ropes as I fuck your dirty little slut hole and youll tell me youre a hole while I fuck it with the shiny precum head of my cut fucking cock (7inches erect). you will smell my hole and BECOME GAY again IT WILL HAPPEN - Brett Costino

TheSteelyDanMan 2 months ago Friend Ignore

Latex & Breastfeeding Concerns

Good morning, J I hope you are well. Returning customer, here. My kajira/wife and I are splinter Gor lifestylers (NOT KAOTIANS) [link] but are currently isolated due to our deviation from standard kajira beautification ideals and the arrival of our first child (girl - Gemma) two months ago. My wife’s submission has usually been expressed fashion-wise in various strict latex outfits, a few of which you have kindly provided us over the past couple of years. Naturally, the arrival of a mini-me results in some changes! My wife, insecure after birth, wants to return to strict full-coverage latex, but this desire is at odds with her physical situation of actively nursing Gemma and we both have worries. Does the constriction of latex effect or otherwise harm milk production, or could secondhand latex exposure harm our baby? I imagine you have catered to many lifestyle situations where this might be relevant so I thought I would ask. Thanks very much. LEO

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear 2 months ago Friend Ignore

Hi Leo. While I have catered to many lifestyles, I’m afraid I must exercise discretion in this situation, as it would be on par with giving medical advice. I will say any allergy is a possibility and one should exercise undue care with a very young infant, not just in matters of latex. I highly encourage you and your wife to discuss this with her doctor as frankly as possible. In the long run it might be worth reevaluating aspects of your wife’s submission and temporarily making do with latex pieces that do not restrict the breasts, while nursing is a part of her daily reality (I’m sure I don’t have to tell you examples are available on my page). Best of luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family.

NoraBarnacle 2 months ago Friend Ignore

A sincere offer…

Several months ago, I bought a pair of latex gauntlet gloves from your shop. Since then, astonishing changes have come over me. I used to be high-powered, highly controlled, a formidable woman (natural ash blond, green eyes, 45”-40”-44”) I was determined to keep these feelings to myself, but I can no longer resist, as I wholeheartedly believe your Dominating spirit, imbued in the gauntlets, is leading me forcefully but masterfully into your care. If it pleases you, know I have not touched my aching slit for one month total as I am uncertain whether you desire me to feel pleasure that is not approved by you. There are no images of you on your site, but I have drawn an accurate picture of you in my mind and I know you are the Man that I never knew I was waiting for, the Man who will lead me, the Man who will hold my neck and strike my forehead to his knee in his insistence that I allow myself to be led. When I wear the gauntlets, they are your own gallant hands restricting my weak bones. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I can no longer resist. I do not desire to resist. Please message back so I can properly present my acquiescence, body and soul, unto you. I squat disgracefully on my plump thighs, full of whorish tremor that makes me unworthy, but still I desire. I will service your home with my ardent hands and service your thick and striving cock with my wet tongue. Respond to this small soul. I submit to your gallant wisdom – A Secret Admirer

RicoMetals 1 month ago Friend Ignore

Redhead Modle in Pic for Serve Her Serrated Corselette

Hey man-to-man who is she. I love redheads. Does she modle for other people/would she modle for my pieces? there’s no head in the pick – what’s her nose situation? we could all do collab and I think it would be hot. Let me kno - RICO

Reply from DeMarco FetishWear 1 month ago Friend Ignore

Hi Rico. I have not blocked you (yet) because said model wanted me to reply to you first and inform you, she’s already an established performer in her own right and does not want to model for a guy who “thinks I need some sissy seamstress to pimp me out to shitty welders online”. As I only have basic welding experience, I can offer no further comment or defense on your behalf.

DerryBerry454 1 month ago Friend Ignore

Inquiry re: standard leather sleep-sack dimensions

Hello Miss J, quick question:

I will buy this item no hesitation no delay if you tell me right now about your vagina. Questions I prioritize:

1. Color labia (outer)

2. Color labia (inner – aroused)

3. Clit length in centimeters or whatever measurement is most flattering to you

4. Range of clit engorgement

5. Depth of vaginal canal (I will allow ballpark figure as I know not everyone has graded speculums lying around)

6. Percentage of clit orgasms v. vaginal orgasms – bonus points if you describe uterine orgasm, if that is your experience (no pressure to answer last part, as I understand it is not necessarily vagina-adjacent)

7. Are you hairy? What color?

8. When you wash your vagina do you douche or do you use fingers to rub through labia folds and that is it?

9. Color of menstrual blood

10. If you wear panties, do you find the crotch of your panties degrades due to PH of your vaginal discharge? (give me the qualities and I will calculate this for you)

While a picture of your vagina is welcome (and will only be for my private use) I really do like gathering these stats (I’m kind of a nerd) and would appreciate as much openness on your behalf as possible and you will benefit too because I’ll give you money for your lovely product. Talk to you soon! 😊

B O A R D

[RUBBERVALLEY FIENDS THREAD 3/3 2006-PRESENT] TOPICS: 850 POSTS: 10,356

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): Hey people, we’ve reached the end of the summer and you know what that means – Ivan himself of the halls of Rubber Valley presents inaugural post of their annual sweeps week filming extravaganza – first photoset already up and we’ve got the goddamn brilliant LYDIA SUCKS sons! The greatest bitch on the face of the planet almost psyched us out but she’s here she’s low and she’s ready to blow. Vid upload will probably take till tomorrow to render but we’ve got some great pic galleries already. Ivan really spoiling us pigs lmfao. Seeing lots of setup and dress-up and behind scenes stuff for yall candid pervs. We’ve got full body latex and face coverage hoods and I see a breathing tube and the barn inversion setup. Possible inverted ceiling fuck? The boys can dream. Links to download pics results in PERMABAN – only official links to Rubber Valley site allowed, don’t know how often I have to say it. You want to pass ripped screenshots you do that through email *casts pearls before swine*

GOBgobGOB: no pic of lyds upside down yet ☹

LordJim: Not interested until I see Ivan haul out the FuckRacers from two years ago – wonder why he doesn’t bring those around more often? Great view stats on current vids and who doesn’t like a fat ass getting auto-fucked while she steers the go-cart supine?

SUCKPUNTER: lmfao all views are you bro

GOBgobGOB: D I R E C T H I T

SUCKPUNTER: hey lordjim where’d you learn the word supine

LordJim: Yeah “laugh out loud” very funny guys.

SUCKPUNTER: did you learn it at college

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): Lydia looks gr8 folks. Queen pristine and ready to cream. SUCKPUNTER – chill out because I’ve got my eye on you. Don’t take the bait Jim. You’re like thirty.

SUCKPUNTER: at least I don’t get off on bitches doing the pinewood derby

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: LYDIA!

GOBgobGOB: LYDIA!!!

McLovin: LYDIA LYDIA LYDIA

TheWorldofMartinAmis: Goddess. Wish she’d get her boobs done though.

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: same! I’ve been waiting for years for her to get into xtreme body mod. Right up her alley. If she’s at EXXXOTICA EXPO next year I’m going to try to get her meet and greet and ask. I know tattoo guys who’d pay HER to give her first tat.

McLovin: Lydia wouldn’t go. She’s like indie transgressive.

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): nice to see you again lockSTOCK. I see your POV but Lydia has several interviews where she says most of her viewers see her bod as a clean palate in the art of pain – as in, wounds have to go away in order for us to appreciate a fresh ruining ; ) tats and huge implants are a little tougher to work around. Anyway in my mind you can fix bad tits but you can’t fix bad attitude

ThatOneFootGuy: id suck her feet

McLovin: woah fuck 4th latex pic in dressing series with her mouth open and her eyes shut – who the lube guy with his arm right down her front?

SUCKPUNTER: lol hand clear to her pussy and hes not even hard faggot

McLovin: scope the ginger amazon in the background with camera – new girl? Don’t recognize. Didn’t know Ivan was bringing new people around this year’s sweeps.

LordJim: I wondered too when I saw. I’m sure DungeonMaster mod understands if I copy/paste following from Ivan (no pics, text w/actress info):

Newcomers are always welcome in RUBBER VALLEY (especially if they’re lovely, and especially if they’re ladies!) and this old goat is pleased to welcome DOMME LUX, our friendly neighbor down south in that little town called Chicago. Mysterious as she is alluring, you’ll see her shining light sampling tidbits of delight off our Valley Girls throughout the uploads this month (or even taking a crack at a couple!) We’re just getting to know her, but I have a feeling she’s a generous gal at heart as she kindly offered us the services of her Personal Valet, Jules DeMarco, who himself spoiled us all year with devious latex devices for our steadfast daring dollies after the unfortunate 2012 passing of our beloved torture designer Merrick Marvel (memoriam post 03/04/2012). Check out Jules’s Half-Bag Breast Mummifier in scheduled post 7/22 (Heather Bunny in the inverted Wench Wrench) the diabolical Arachnae-Hood (Lacey Jane, spinning in our trusty Landscape(her) Rolling Pin 7/16) and the Double-Fuck Full Body Boa Binder with eerie inflatable bubble hood (Lydia Sucks, finale post 7/31, don’t miss it, SUBSCRIBE). I must confess, we took advantage - the poor fella ran himself ragged helping us with film prep all week. So as an apology we let him get up close and personal with Rubber Valley’s reigning heroine LYDIA SUCKS fitting her in a custom four-limb black latex catsuit with half-face hood, made especially for her brave beautiful bod. He takes a good long time greasing her up before Ivan and Barry get her hoisted and joisted and in her best bitch-bat position among the rafters of the exalted Rubber Valley barn, where we leave her to squirm in terror! (but let’s get real – what scares Lydia? We’re wracking our brains!) Uh-oh, is Domme Lux looking jealous in the background? Is she plotting a little comeuppance for our Lovely Lady Lydia? Only one way to find out – SUBSCRIBE!

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): Np lordjim, if you hadn’t posted I was going to. Looks like we’ve got fresh meat in the valley.

TheWorldofMartinAmis: very pretty girl, but always bummed when a new one turns out to be top. Call me old fashioned, I come to the Valley for slaves.

SUCKPUNTER: firecrotch

GOBgobGOB: brb too busy crankin it. milky gingerbread titties come to daddy

McLovin: @TheWorldofMartinAmis, Ivan always has at least one femdom around. Room for everybody in the valley

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: holy shit I know that guy.

SUCKPUNTER: lmfao faggots know faggots

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: no for real. His real name is Jules Marinelli. I worked with him one summer lifeguarding beaches for the park’s district. Our boss found his website where he sells his sex stuff, and it was this whole big thing. Found the kink club Entrance through that (check it out if you’re in my hood ever – huge, clean, not too much gay shit, great ladies of all stripes hanging around, but limits on drinking if you’re trying to access certain levels). He’s bi. He’s either secretly Domme Lux’s slave or Domme Lux is his slave and it’s mega on the DL because it’d hurt her career if it got out she could ‘verse. There’s all this gossip.

SUCKPUNTER: bi guys r fags

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): SUCKPUNTER – that’s strike one. lockstock – not deleting your post because from what I can see JDM doesn’t/isn’t acting in explicit scenes, but let’s cool it with doxxing info. Looks like he’s had an experience with that before, and as a small business owner myself, I know how it can suck. We aren’t gossiping high school girls. Settle back and enjoy what Ivan gives us.

GOBgobGOB: *sees dudes in the chat and stops jacking off*

LockSTOCK2FUCKINGBARRELS: NP mod, feel free to delete it later before it causes problems.

TheWorldofMartinAmis: going back to previous discussion – don’t think a breast job automatically constitutes body modification

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): think about it martinamis, it’s a slippery slope – you want to see some swollen battered fish get destroyed, or a fresh natural girl get destroyed?

SUCKPUNTER: i am not a faggot and a whore’s a whore and im here to see whores fucking destroyed

GOBgobGOB: *tony soprano voice* she was a HOOOOER

SUCKPUNTER: fag or cunt all whores get fucked

LordJim: Mod, step up. This isn’t going to get better. With all due respect

SUCKPUNTER: fag or cunt ALL WHORES GET FUCKED

DungeonMaster (MOD 2): yeah, already done. That should be the last of him. Don’t know why I expected that situation to turn out differently.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

Subject: Debrief – valley week

Jules,

As discussed, attached is current info for my old webmaster service from when I had to run my own fansite. Decent price and decent vendor system. Can only be an improvement on what you have now. That is not an insult, but I know it sounds like one. Stay with me.

[link] [link] [link]

And above, the top three most trafficked boards I’ve found following my own career and the rubber valley gang. We’ve caused quite a stir already and its only July 15th. I wouldn’t count on this causing an uptick in your business, but I think you know that. The standard gentleman at home spending twenty bucks a month for guaranteed links to a woman being fucked inside out while wearing a sensory deprivation hood simply doesn’t translate him to spending 100-200 dollars, contacting a seller, taking measurements, and going through the effort to order he and his special girly the hood itself. But I know you believe you’ve chosen your life the same way I believe I’ve chosen my life and won’t whine. I will say, if your ego is bruised, that your clothes are wonderful. They feel maybe half like death. I’ll wear them again and again.

On a funnier note: I have accounts myself on all the above message boards and post semi-regularly. It might amuse you to do the same thing, but you need to be careful regarding your identity. Feedback from viewers is never relevant, but it needs to be pure (don’t ask me why – my brains are fucked out). I won’t tell you who I am, and you won’t tell me who you are. Maybe we’ll find each other.

I wouldn’t tell your Cathy, since some sensitive (if inaccurate) information is flying around. Your instinct towards privacy, while cute and old fashioned, is an apt instinct. Looks like the good people of Chicago can’t keep their fucking mouths shut. Will you be able to find a straight job if your work now goes up like a dead dog’s gut? Don’t despair. Your nice long cock dropped so well down my throat while your Cathy beat my clit with the edge of your belt (nice touch – whose idea was that?) so while you might not get another chance to perch in a lifeguard’s throne, you might very well have a future in film. You’re vigorous, discrete, disciplined, clean, and a cutie-pie. Have your Cathy make some films of you alone or you two together. It’ll excite her, so you have no choice but to be excited yourself. You’re excited reading this. You believe you chose this.

Anyway – Cathy! Don’t be insulted on her behalf. I loved playing with you both. She’s kind and a lot of fun, which are virtues I still let myself appreciate in others. Let her know I appreciate how she let me use you. She’s a good girl and has a good future in store, especially with her personal valet running her life. Pick her outfits, pick her makeup, pick her clients, pick her laundry soap – is it already like that? I want to be buried alive, but you want to be buried in chores. Please dream big, Jules.

Rubber valley is where I have the most fun out of all the shoots I have in a year, but I really was lucky that you two showed up. Poor old Merrick Marvel (not even that old – colon cancer). But out with him and in with you. I enjoyed our river talk and I felt very safe in the car with you at the wheel, though I know I tormented you a little (but I’m pretty sure Cathy helped you out later with that – will you write back to me what she did to you, and if she let you come?) At one point you were with Ivan in the garage, and I tried to have a little talk with her about oblivion, but she either understood my point and got scared, or simply didn’t understand. It’s unfortunate, kind of soul-sucking, how our dominant “loved ones” transform into necessary evils. Adjust the tube. Grasp the handle. Move the thigh. Use the vocal cord to form the order. But what do they know? I never knew how to explain.

I’ve attached some personal pictures of me. I like knowing that you have them. I won’t contact you again except under strict business purposes, so let me sum up. Serve Cathy well. Don’t let her get bullied. Flourish creatively. Keep that belt. Fuck as often as your body commands you to fuck (if I suspect that sometimes your body is Cathy’s body by proxy, then this number will double, perhaps triple, but the choice is out of your hands because she owns your cock). You have a lot of growing up to do. Don’t despair. More to come.

We won’t see each other soon, but we’ll see each other again. Ciao!

I expect improvements.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Lydia S

#SAFEWORLD #unto itself but also sneak peek at rubber valley sequence #inspired solely by all the fetishwear providers on etsy that exist #Jules being relentlessly sexually harassed on the internet: this is normal and doesn't bother me. guess im built different

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looksalikes · 3 years

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wed sept 8, 3:56 pm

hey! long time no type.

i’m like a new person now! i’ve never felt better, im unkillable! for real, maybe i’ve have had better times in my life environmentally, but inside i feel limitless! i hateeee writing but im pushing myself to articulate what brought me to this new level of thinking.

so to start off, i lied to pretty much everyone around me about what actually happened (as it all changed in one night). basically like i said before, i hate writing. i have no really gift with the pen and being autistic made it all the more frustrating to be restrained with such a limiting way to express myself. yet curiosity i majored in a writing intensive field. anyways i was given an assignment to write about Snake Eyes and Henry Golding and just overall talking about asians in strong american roles etc etc no biggie right? ive done shit like this before so many times and it was only like 500 words.

so clearly the pressure i put on myself and my perfectionist standard led to a weird spiral, i was on my FIFTH DRAFT and i was losing it. i hated writing, i tried calling my friends but it was too late for ppl to answer. i started crying, i felt pathetic, how was it taking me DAYS to write a simple piece? i didnt join a creative agency for me to do the same thing i was trying to get away from! i tried calling my family but my mom was asleep and my dad was exhausted from the time change and yelled at me to hang up and promised to help me in the morning. but that wasn't enough for me, I just HAD to submit it by midnight for some reason. i started breaking down. being an intern at 25 and still feeling this stuck made me feel like every little thing reflected widely on me as a person. i tried talking to hana, but she was done with these breakdowns and refused to help. i was sobbing, i didn’t want to write even though i didnt write that much, i didnt want to try. i started banging my head on the window. im pretty sure i slightly concussed cuz i was feeling really hazy for the rest of the night after the final slam. i climbed on to the fire escape and started to look over the edge.

heres where i start lying.

the fire escape is old and the railing snapped and the pressure of my body made me almost fall over, but i was able to hang on. in those 3 secs i felt my life flash before my eyes and i realized i wasn't gonna die over this! i pushed myself up and got out, feeling reborn and my mind clear of any anxiety i had ever felt before.

this was all a lie. the reality was much more pathetic.

its pretty obvious how i’ve been struggling with suicidal thought my whole life, and i while looking over the ledge i just stop crying instantly. i could end it all. i looked around, no one would see, maybe they wouldn't even find out as a mangled body is easily mistaken as a homeless person everyday. i could maybe survive by landing for the trash. i imagined me broken body waiting as roaches climbed over me for a couple hours until someone called 911. but why was i fantasying if i survived, why would i jump if i wanted to make it up? i just wanted to be victimized, i wanted someone to see how much i was mentally going through and be validated. but no one was going to do that. not even if it was someone just a couple feet away from me like hana. she heard me screaming and crying on the ledge, she gave up i think a long time ago. they were just empty threats. and she was right.

so maybe this shouldn't be an empty threat. should i finally write a suicide note, i should go in and write a suicide note. but if did that, i would just be putting off this decision for next month until i felt this bad again. i should do it. i shold just jump. im done. im tired. i dont want to try anymore. im pathetic, i feel this exhausted despite how little work i did. im lazy, untalented and tired. i can now rest. i can be free from this guilt forever. no one was going to save me. no one is going to pity me anymore. i was alone and o

and then. i just didn’t.

I didn’t have to feel bad because im good as i am. if i was gonna die, then nothing would really matter, so i could just CHOOSE not to feel bad and i just wouldn't feel bad. who cares? if im gonna live to die, i might as well feel that way. that sounded more fatalistic than i intended but what i mean is that, as long as i was willing to work hard i things i felt passionate for and only hold kind intentions, how can i be wrong?

“I can do no wrong”. my friend Chris told me that when i brought him to this weird party. i apologized to him in that moment, saying if he felt uncomfortable we could leave or try to include him more. i hate feeling left out at parties. but he told me that he was fine and “he could do no wrong”, that it wasn't where he went but who he was that determined how he felt. and how can i do wrong being the way i am?

i left the fire escape, smoked a bit of weed, and decide to sleep for the few hours i had before i had to go into work. i felt like a new person. whatever i wanted i can manifest. i had a whole new attitude to work. im not gonna work on things i dont care about anymore. im gonna do what i want. i never realized how much i was limiting myself until now! how much my work ethic was tied to my self-esteem and perception of the world. i dont live for others anymore. i will live like no one is watching and perform like everyone is watching.

sometimes i admit, it feels like im forcing this persona, that im just hyping myself up into this and ill run out of gas soon. but until them im not gonna relent with this positive thinking.

because if i do, i know what will happen. and besides, i think i may like this new me.

do i feel like ill never be suicidal again? no, those thoughts and behaviors will be something i will live with for the rest of my life. even if they are a bit quieter for now. if anything i owe it to that for my newfound way of thinking. because i cant die if i knew i didnt at least give it my all.

0 notes

spainkitty · 8 years

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I kinda sorta love doing these things and (after spending WAY too long trying to figure out who you were, Ms. Change-Your-URL-While-I-Wasn’t-Looking) I would love to reply to you! @yugyuumy It’s been a while, love!

a - age: 28 (freshly aged up, lol. I’m a January baby)

b - biggest fear: SPIDERS (YOU AND ME BOTH SISTA)

c - current time: 22:43

d - drink you last had: chamomile tea

e - everyday starts with: checking my email, a 10-15 minute shower, the end of happiness that is sleeping

f - favorite song: this.... changes a lot... I love Silk Way from FISH Leong and usually fall asleep to it, but also anything Ariana Grande or Nicki Minaj these days. (Yesterday I was all about Bo Burnham, though! If you don’t know him, look up his songs! SO FUNNY!)

g - ghosts, are they real: nah, bruh. do I like scary stories? no friggin way, but I don’t actually think ghosts are real. Dragons and fairies and unicorns- SIGN ME UP, FAM

h - hometown: eeerrrrrrr my family separated and moved a LOT. I don’t have a hometown. the closest would be Athens, GA, but I hate Georgia and never wanna live there again, or Ripon, CA, but no one in my family lives there anymore... soo... WUXI, CHINA FOR THIS YEAR

i - in love with: cats, my friends, today I’m especially in love with @ketolic because that giant bag of dicks sent me a surprise birthday present and made me cry. what an ass, amirite?!

j - jealous of: every American able to buy Hot Cheetos. Damn you all. Also, books. How dare you be able to buy books in English whenever you want?!?! //flips a table OR CLOTHING/SHOES THAT FIT. WHY ASIA SO SMALL!??!

k - killed someone: wouldn’t you like to know

l - last time you cried: THIS FUCKING MORNING. THANKS, KETO. (They were legit tears of joy, though.)

m - middle name: omgosh. I HATE my middle name. Denys. (pronounced Denise; my mother is insane)

n - number of siblings: 2! A preteen bro and a sister two years older than I

o - one wish: that I could finish a novel. Or learn to draw. *grumbles*

p - person you last called/texted: huh, a new almost-friend-person named A****** (aawwww lookit me making friends!)

q - questions you’re always asked: er uh?? “Where are you from?” Only, in Mandarin. Since I’m a white girl in China, this happens a lot.

r - reasons to smile: wechatting/talking with friends, Yuri!!! on Ice, writing, CATS CATS CATS, good food, a headache finally ceasing after ten hours of suffering *puddles in relief*

s - song last sung: Wait, me singing it!? Maybe Side to Side by Ariana and Nicki?! Right now I’m listening to Heathens by Twenty One Pilots on repeat, though?

t - time you woke up: *grumbles irritably* 8:35 am, tomorrow 7:35. Work is finally starting again now that Chinese New Year is over.

u - underwear color: I think I wore blue today? PJ time means no underwear time CUZ FUCK THAT OPPRESSION (TMI???)

v - vacation destination: This summer, the plan is Thailand! FINALLY! If not, I’m heading to Tokyo to check off another Disneyland Park! IMMA CATCH ‘EM ALL

w - worst habit: I bite my nails and I can be a thoughtless sometimes? I get carried away enough that I forget to be polite or caring about what other people have to say? (Like, in a convo, I let myself get carried away and forget to ask the other person about their day or something. >////< I always hate it when I realize I’m doing it)

x - x-rays you’ve had: errr my chest area? (I travel a lot and they’re in a basic physical, plus chest pains after overworking myself at a gym once, lol); x-rays done on my teeth at the dentist’s?

y - your favorite food: Hot Cheetos. REAL California donuts from real donut bakeries! Anything smothered in cheese! YUM!

z - zodiac sign: Capricorn & Dragon (just barely made the cut for Dragon, most ppl in my year are Snake, though)

Sorry, I tend to babble on. worst habit and all. As for who I’mma tag... @ketolic @0blue-bird0 @4roommates @konekomia (I talk to you guys the most frequently, and the few others I might ask, I know don’t like doing these.)

#long post #kitty babbles #I TALK ABOUT KETO A LOT BECUZ YOU JUST HAPPENED TO CATCH ME ON THIS DAY #LOL #yugyuumy #mun things

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tcalchemist · 7 years

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Down The Rabbit Hole And Back Again. Wow. I haven't posted anything on here in over a year. Crazy, ain't it? So much has happened. For starters, I have dreads now. Started my loc journey back in April. If nothing else teaches me patience, this will. I fell out of love, fell back in love, and fell out of love again. I also came out to my family. But obviously, everyone knew of course. And they took it very well. My stepmom, Kim, who I've "hated" since day one, is probably the best stepmom ever now. She's more caring, more patient, still crazy of course, but much more loving now. She had a conversation w/ my older sister not too long ago and told her that she's very overprotective of me. That she believes there isn't a woman in this world that's good enough for me. Never in a million years did I ever see us being as close as we are now. It's insane. My best friend got married back in September. Unfortunately I couldn't be there because my job, that I am no longer working at, was on complete bullshit. I still feel bad for not being there for her. On the bright side she came back home in January and has been here since. This is the longest she's been here since she left for school back in 2011. I'm going to miss her so much when she leaves for Cali in a couple of weeks. I'm always missing her. Now we can get to the good stuff. The woman I fell in love with. After things fell through btwn the DJ that I was dating early last year, I convinced myself that I was good on love. I said fuck feelings and focused on performing and avoiding my feelings as much as possible. Until I went to my friend's studio session back in October. I'm sitting upstairs (I lowkey call it Bird's Eye View) writing my verse that I'm getting ready to lay down, and a girl comes walking upstairs w/ one of her friends and sits next to me, as they continue their prior conversation. I'm obviously red in the face and staring this gorgeous woman down, as if I've never seen anyone more beautiful. She was light-skinned w/ long, turquoise and blue locs, pretty light-brown eyes w/ an outfit on that I'd wear. The fact that I can still remember what she had on that day is crazy. She had on blue jeans, gold gym shoes, a white crew neck sweater that was set up like a bible verse that said, "Thou shalt not cometh for me unless I sendeth for thee." She also had on a black skull cap that said "ill" on it. All of this from one look. I had to introduce myself. And sure enough, I did. "Hey! My name is Crimson! Nice to meet you!" My dumbass introduced myself to this girl using my stage name. How. Stupid. 🤦🏾‍♀️ Sure enough, we end up talking and got really cool really REALLY fast. We just, clicked. She was funny, awkward, and super enlightened. I don't think I've ever connected with someone so smoothly other than Kelsey. In a way, things moved a bit fast. But, at the time, it seemed like we had known each other much, much longer. Unfortunately, things got complicated. The girl that she was previously in a relationship with, wanted her back. What's worse is she claimed the two kids her ex had w/ her ex husband. Sure enough, they ended up back together. I was glad that she was honest with me about it, but at the same time sad that whatever was going on btwn us had to end. I was fine being just friends with her, and I was willing to try to be just that, just as long as she was. So we tried. That lasted for about an hour. 🙄🤦🏾‍♀️😂 So, here I am, hanging with this girl and going out, spending all of my spare time with her, and she's in a full-fledge relationship with her ex, who didn't deserve to be with her at all. After a while, she noticed and realized that her ex didn't change her ways, that she blatantly didn't give a fuck about her issues, and was overly insecure about everything. What her gf lacked in, I had to make up for all of it. If she needed a ride, I had her. She wanted to relieve some stress, I was there for her. When she had to go to the doctor and she was afraid to go alone, I was right by her side. I was in love with her, way before my mind even could conjure up such a thought. A feeling. Something that I told myself I never wanted to feel for someone again. The day after Christmas, she broke up with her gf. In a way, I was happy because I knew she deserved way better. But I was also sad, because I knew she wanted things to work out with her girl, yet her gf didn't even realize the amazing woman that she had. And of course, I was there for her through all of it. Trying to mend a broken heart, and at the same time trying to keep my feelings in check. A few weeks later, things got rocky btwn her and I. After I got back from visiting California in early December, I got let go from my job. I honestly hated the job, but it was the worst time for me to start losing shit. My grandmother ended up losing our house because it became too much to try to keep it. I took it really hard, only because I know how much she loved her house, and I felt weak for not being able to do more to help her keep it. So my attitude started to change. We got into it about the smallest shit. Unnecessary shit that could've been simply discussed. She was helping me out as far as gas money, and whatever else I needed. For anyone that knows me, knows that I hate asking other ppl for help and relying on others. I felt weak that I couldn't provide at the time, and I took it out on her. All she wanted to do was help me, and I acted like a jackass towards her. And then, the icing on the cake. She's an artist, so she was getting ready for an art show that she was doing all by herself. I wanted to help in any way I could, so I told her that I'd take care of the DJ part for the show. What I didn't tell her is that the DJ and the girl that I was talking to before her were the same person. Bad, terrible fucking move, I know. I just knew that if I told her, she wouldn't have wanted her to do it. She cussed me out, said she could never trust me, and said that she was done with me and hung up on me. I never felt so terrible in my life. For days I was just trying to figure out how I could make things right with her. How I could get back one of the best things that ever happened to be part of my life? I had to be patient. She ended up calling me about two weeks later. And said she wanted to start ovr. As friends. A month passes and her art show comes up. She's nervous and anxy, trying to make sure everything goes right. I take up the responsibility to help in whatever way that I can, all because I knew how important her first solo art show was to her. The fucking DJ comes late, and when she does come, she sets up the speakers, leaves a playlist on, and leaves. If it's any mistake I've ever made it was talking to that careless, nonchalant piece of shit. Fuck her. Anywho the show was a success. Everything was perfect. At the end, she made a speech thanking everyone for coming out. She also gave a special thank you to her best friend, and my homeboy, Calvin; her mother, whom she dedicated her art show to; and lastly, to myself. I was beyond shocked. I wasn't even expecting it due to the fact that she lowkey hated my guts still. On Valentine's Day, I decided to call her and let her know how I really felt about the "just friends" situation. As I'm trying to talk to her, I notice someone saying something to her in her background. As if someone was whispering something in her ear. She was obviously with some chick and said that she'd call me later. I was so crushed in that moment. How could she move on so fast as if all that had happened btwn us didn't even exist? Later that night she called me back and I told her what it was. That I couldn't just be friends with her. I tried and tried but I knew that I wanted her to be in my life as more than that. "So that's it?" she says. I respond with a dry "Yeah." She says ok and hangs up on me. Immediately right after, she blocked me on all social media and my phone number. *Fast Forward Months Later* May. My birthday month. I threw an event with a few friends of mine. I'm good, I was working two jobs, and doing shows back to back. I also started talking to an older woman who had been crushing on me for years. My life is finally getting back to where it needed to be. Until I ran into her at my event. And sure enough, she's with her girl. All my emotions crashed down in that one moment. She said hey to me in an excitedly, fake way, and gave me a hug. So I played along. *quick reverse* She cut all of her hair off before her show. *back to the story* She starts to comment on my hair and the fact that I started my locs after she cut hers off. As I'm telling her how I had already made my mind up to start them a year later but instead I said to hell with it and just started them this year, someone else she knew walked up and started talking to her. So I did the most logical thing at he moment, and walked away. All of the feelings I had for her rushed back down. She looked so good, I couldn't stand it. So here I am, back in my feelings about the girl I could've been with for the rest of my life. I feel as if I just might need closure. If I can talk to her face to face, maybe I could fully move on, and actually give this new girl a chance. I don't know. All I know is that I've developed an unconditional love for a woman who probably wouldn't even bat an eye if I were to get killed tomorrow. Okay that might be a bit extra but, you never know. The only thing I know is that I love her. I'll always love her, no matter what. If I had a chance to go back in time to change my selfish ass actions, I would. I just pray that she's happy and becoming more and more amazing, and being shown the love that I could not give her. I love and miss you, Asia.

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