#not to mention I've got some issues that y'know. could lead to a higher risk of maternal mortality
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#I'm having another one of those 'i want to kill myself' nights#I'm a financial burden to everyone in my life#between all my medical issues plus needing a wheelchair plus probably needing my wisdom teeth taken out#all of which are incredibly expensive#it's not fair to anybody to have to try to deal with me like this#I'm not worth going into fucking debt over and I'm not getting any better either so what's the fucking point#if i was gone I'd stop being so fucking expensive to just keep alive#not to mention with my medical stuff i have to 'work from home' now which isn't exactly stable income#there's no guarantee how much money I'll make or how soon I'll make it which wouldn't be fair to any future roommates#i want to be able to put in as much as they would. i want to be able to pay my share of the rent and have extra to chip in with#and I'd never be fit to be a husband or father. as much as i wish i could be i just know i can't do it.#I'm in pain all the time and can't do a lot. I'm not very strong. my memory issues make it hard to keep track of anything#not to mention I've got some issues that y'know. could lead to a higher risk of maternal mortality#so even if i tried i might just fucking die anyways#I'm far too expensive to take care of. i could never make enough in 10 lifetimes to pay people back. i could never be a husband or father.#I'm so tired of being a burden to everyone i love#they deserved so much better and i want them to be happy and i just don't see how me continuing to be around does any good#they'd all be so much better off without me i can't do anything and i could never give back as much as i want to#i want to put in an equal amount of effort and money and care and love#and i know I'm not doing that and i hate it and I'm trying so hard to get to a place where i can but nothing's working#I'm so tired of being a burden. i just wish i wasn't so fucking hard to take care of. i wish i didn't need to be taken care of at all.#things really would be better if i were gone. i don't think anyone could convince me otherwise#I'd stop being in so much pain all the time and the people i love wouldn't have to put up with my dead weight (no pun intended)#everyone's lives would be so much easier if i wasn't in them#gods how fucking selfish is it of me that i haven't done it already?#i don't deserve anybody's kindness and my friends and family don't deserve to put up with my bullshit anymore#i just want them to be happy#vent#suicide tw#suicide trigger warning
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