#now I have someone I send selfies to and he'll reply with a voicenote saying HOLY SHIT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
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k and I had a chat about jealousy (and up next is a stupidly long ramble in the tags)
#it's fucked up the rush of confidence I get from hearing he gets jealous over me#idk my dumb brain thinks feeling jealousy when your partner doesn't puts you in kind of a disadvantage#like you're afraid to lose them but they're not#it made me think of 🐕🦺 and how I felt so lucky that someone like him could like someone like me... I thought I didn't deserve it#so I lived in fear of him realizing he could do better and leaving me#so when I expressed my fears to him..#prompted by him meeting up with who I can only describe as the physical embodiment of perfection#when I told him how powerless it made me feel to know he would definitely fall for her#he said he liked me... he wanted me... that he did in fact find me attractive#(but this other woman who awakens every possible insecurity in me also made his dick hard so too bad)#and I knew he was poly... that one's on me for thinking I could be okay with it#he knew I couldn't long before I did#so he chose to not tell me things#that felt like pity#and once again I'd fear he was too good for me#at every turn I'm reminded of the million reasons why we couldn't work out#of how I held onto it so tightly I strangled us#now I have someone I send selfies to and he'll reply with a voicenote saying HOLY SHIT YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL#I'll see him flirting with other people and think hey he's mine :(#the difference is I'm not afraid to tell him that#bc he feels the same when it's the other way around#and every single time I'm jealous I remember the hours we've spent on videocalls#all the things we've said to other#the reassurance we give each other umprompted#and I don't feel insecure#he literally said ''you're my go to person to talk to'' and I teared up a little#I'm sure no one will read this but I needed to get this off my chest#and I'm definitely not putting this on scx I'm mutuals with the girl in question#it's not her fault that I'm an insecure lil shit and she said shes never doubted her self-worth#which good for u bestie but also fuck you a little.... k cool im gonna go bye i cant use more tags
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