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roomalthoughts · 6 years

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depression (recovered post #7)

It’s 10:15pm and I’m sitting on my bed…looking at the wall, just thinking about life. I think it’s time for me to really open up about how it feels like to have depression for some of you that haven’t experienced it before. Right now, where I’m mentally at…I think it is time for me to just say it. I’ve open up enough to let you guys into my life. And right now, I really do feel depressed.

I’ve felt several waves of emotions today and my mother stated that I really need to go back to counseling. She thinks I have bipolar disorder (and I agree with her because I’ve studied enough psychology to know that I’m a really unstable person). My dad’s side has some form of bipolar/depression shown and I would not be surprised if I actually get myself retested again and it comes out with bipolar disorder. I’ve had moments where I would start crying and the next minute, I’m fine then I would get mad and irritable. It’s an ongoing cycle for me and I’m scared of myself. I’ve had several suicidal thoughts lately and that’s a red flag for me to get help again.

I hate to admit it because I feel weak to ask for help, but I know I truly need it. At the moment, I am crying because I know I have some healing left to do and I know that I will never be 100% healed. I am broken as I can be and it hurts to admit it because I try to prove to others that I’m okay…but in reality, I’m not. It’s hard.

To paint a picture of how I’m feeling right now: imagine sitting in a dark room all by yourself. There’s a screen in front of you and all of a sudden, you start seeing all the things you’ve done wrong. You see where it all went wrong on everything that happened to you and you feel the emotions that you felt in that moment. Flashbacks. You feel a wave of hopelessness and you believe that you are not worthy. You hear fear talking to you and it gives you chills down your spine.

You aren’t worthy. You are a nobody. You don’t deserve anything. You really should die. The world will be a better place without you.

You feel another wave of emotions but it’s anxiety this time. It gives you chills down your spine and your body goes in a fight or flight mode. You truly start to believe in everything that your thoughts are telling you.

You start crying and thinking what in the world is happening to you and why it is happening to you. You try to pull yourself out of that blackhole, but it’s nearly impossible. It may take you hours or even the whole night.

That’s how I feel right now. Hopelessness…distraught…anxiety…all those negative emotions are getting the best of me. I try to pull myself out of the black hole by writing my thoughts down. I type it out and hope that I feel better. 90% of the time it works, but that 10% I feel like I won’t make it through the night. I will toss and turn in my bed and just force myself to sleep. I try to listen to music and just think that I’m okay. I am not in any danger (because anxiety likes to give me more hell than I need) and I will not let my thoughts get to me.

The past haunts me still. I’m still fearful of everything going wrong. I’m still fearful that I will never be good enough for anyone down the road. I am still fearful of doing the same mistake with someone else and breaking their heart. I am still fearful of failing at my job right now. I’m still fearful that I may have done something wrong at my job and I might get in trouble for it. I’m still fearful that I’m not the best leader that I can be where my coworkers can depend on me. I’m still fearful of my midterm testing because I don’t know all of my form and I’m afraid of screwing it up and making a fool out of myself. I’ll start shaking when I have to do my form in front of my class because I’m afraid that I will screw it up so bad that I will die of embarrassment. I always compare myself to my peers in my taekwondo class because I feel like I’m not doing a good job. I never give myself credit for anything and that kills me.

Fear is what holding me back and it eats me alive because I’m not open about my fears. I’m not open about anything in reality. Yes, I’ve written blog posts about my past and even though a few people reached out to me to let me know that I can vent to them…I still fear that they will walk away from me because I’m too much of a burden for them. I’m still fearful of losing people in my life because I’ve lost enough that I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m afraid of not doing the right thing for myself. I overthink and overthink and overthink until I see the sunrise. I overthink to the point that I drive myself mad because I cannot make my mind up on anything.

What do I want in life? I sure would love to get married to the right man and have kids someday. I would love to be a mom and take care of my kiddos. But in reality…I don’t think that will ever happen because of my mental state. I’m not qualified to be a mom personally and that kills me…my desire to have a family is pretty strong. My desire to get married to a man who I can have fun with and talk about Marvel and DC stuff while playing video games or going out on a road trip is pretty strong. I want someone who can lift me up instead of tearing me down. I want someone who will point to God for me when I feel hopeless. I want someone who I can talk about anything. When I mean anything, I mean pretty much anything. No secrets. Just honesty. I always day dream about living in a home where I can see the beach from the window and be carefree.

I hate to be a pessimist, but I feel like that dream specifically will never be true. I’m not wifey material in my opinion and I still have a lot to figure out on my own.

Where do I see myself in ten years? Honestly, I have no clue and the future scares me. I’m beyond terrified of change yet I yearn for it so badly. I don’t know what I’ll be doing and that drives me mad because I like to have a plan for everything. I journal everything down. I write down goals and plans that I want to reach at a certain time. I cross off every goal that I’ve met and just keep writing down more goals…because I’m a goal-orientated person.

Why do I have to deal with so much trauma even though it happens years ago? Some things stay in my mind for quite sometime or even forever. I have buried enough trauma down deep that I no longer can really remembered because I just don’t want to think about it. I will have nights where they do come creeping back and I’ll start to panic. I always sleep with a big teddy bear because I hate feeling like I’m sleeping alone even though I have two cats that love to cuddle with me. I’m always fearful for wearing certain clothing items that will reveal too much and get too much attention. I’m afraid of getting scolded at because I like to wear loose pants and t-shirts. I don’t like wearing tight clothings (expect for leggings because those are really comfy) because I feel like I don’t look great in them.

I always get to certain places earlier than usual because I don’t want to rush. I hate going out in public because I don’t want to run into people that I don’t want to see because of the damage they’ve caused, even though I know I should swallow my pride and let it go (considering that I’m a very forgiving people, some of them, I haven’t been able to fully forgive them yet). I like to go grocery shopping early in the morning because no one is there and I can get out there faster. I like to go out of town to go shopping and take wild adventures outside of Warsaw with my family. As some of you guys should know, from my past posts, I’m dying to move out of Warsaw and live somewhere else where I can start fresh.

Fear’s got a hold on me…

And I hate staying up so late at night because my brain won’t shut up. And I know it will be a very long night tonight…

To end this post, I’ll post the lyrics from a song called Death by White Lies:

I love the feeling when we lift off

Watching the world so small below

I love the dreaming when I think of

The safety in the clouds out my window

I wonder what keeps us so high up

Could there be a love beneath these wings?

If we suddenly fall should I scream out

Or keep very quite and cling to my mouth?

As I’m crying, so frightened of dying

Relax, yes, I’m trying

This fear’s got a hold on me

Yes, this fear’s got a hold on me

I love the quite of the night time

When the sun is drowning in the deathly sea

I can feel my heart beating as I speed from

The sense of time catching up with me

The sky set out like a pathway

But who decides which route we take

As people drift into a dream world

I close my eyes as my hands shake

And when I see a new day

Who’s driving this anyway

I picture my own grave ’cause fear’s got a hold on me

Yes, this fear’s got a hold on me

Floating neither up or down

I wonder when I’ll hit the ground

Well, the earth beneath my body shake

And cast your sleeping hearts awake

Could it tremble stars from moon light skies?

Could it drag a tear from your cold eyes?

I live on the right side, I sleep in the left

That’s why everything’s gotta be love or death

Yes, this fear’s got a hold on me

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