#now i have to go walk the traumatized dog in the prong collar ..

[fluttersheep]

i think i’m too much of a baby for this pet care job

i go into this home and start crying over the terrible litter boxes and the betta in a glorified tupperware bowl

[wicked-mind]

Spark: Chapter Three

Summary: Y/N and Damon were apart of a Hydra experiment for over a decade until they escaped. When power outages through towns along with bodies of murdered Hydra agents start popping up across the country, Y/N becomes Bucky’s mission.

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: Bits of violence, memories of torture

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*gifs not mine

Chapter Three - We all need to talk

Bucky managed to watch the rest of the movie unmoving, not wanting to disturb Y/N who was still sleeping on his shoulder. He watched the credits roll along the TV screen, reading each line as they passed. He didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to ruin the moment he was stuck in. Bucky felt almost normal for the first time in his long life as he sat there on the couch with Y/N asleep on his shoulder and a dog on the other side of him. But he quickly snapped out of his daydream when Sarge perked his big fluffy head up, “What’s up, boy?” Bucky asked the dog in a hushed tone as to not disturb Y/N.

Sarge stood on the couch, looking at the curtain covered window behind Bucky for a moment before jumping off the couch and going to the door. Bucky quickly noted that the hair on Sarge had stood up, making his brow furrow. He scooted himself up and away from his spot on the couch, gently shifting Y/N into a laying position without disturbing her sleep. Bucky walks to the window and moved the curtain to peak out, seeing a black van sitting outside. The owner of the van must’ve seen him peaking out the curtain as well because the van sped away down the road. It was at that moment Bucky decided he would be spending the night at Y/N’s house, concerned about who was in the van and what could’ve happened to Y/N if he wasn’t here. He walked over to Y/N’s DVD collection, finding the second movie of the Alien series and popping it into the DVD player as quietly as he could. He pushed play on the remote before taking Sarge’s spot on the couch, looking over at Y/N as she slept soundly before returning his focus to the TV knowing he wouldn’t be able to get much sleep tonight.

It was early morning hours, about 4:30 AM, when Y/N woke up with a gasp. Even the presence of Bucky couldn’t keep her nightmares away. She sat up, staring wide-eyed at Bucky as if she didn’t recognize him. She fell off the couch in an attempt to get away from him, scooting herself into the corner of the living room and curled up into as much as a ball as she could facing away from him. Sarge, knowing what was happening, kept his distance as to not be shocked but close enough that he could whine gently at Y/N to calm down.

The sudden jolt of Y/N waking up made Bucky jump as well, he wasn’t expecting her to be awake so suddenly. He watched her as she looked at him with terrified eyes, standing quickly when she fell off the couch and scooted away, “Hey, Y/N.” He said gently with his hands up to show he was non threatening, “It’s me… Bucky.” He said as he slowly walked towards her curled up figure.

Y/N looked up at Bucky still wide-eyed, shaking her head quickly, “Please…” She whimpers out, “Don’t take me back… Don’t hurt me…” Tears had started to form in her eyes and started to slowly drip down her red cheeks.

Bucky had never seen someone look so terrified as Y/N was curled up in the corner. It made him angry that something had happened to make her go into a frantic state like this, it was the total opposite of what she was usually like. He kneeled down in front of her, “Nobody is taking you anywhere,” He said, reaching a hand out to touch her, “I promi-“ As soon as he touched her, he felt a jolt of electricity go through his body that made him back away quickly from her. Yup, she was definitely an enhanced human with the ability to create strong currents of electricity. Bucky quickly realized touching her wasn’t going to work to snap her out of it and he would have to try something else, “Okay, no touching.” He muttered, “Hey, Y/N, remember last night? I brought you some soup and we had some drinks together. Then you showed me your favorite movie, Alien. I watched the second one without you, I hope that’s alright.”

Y/N was breathing hard as she looked at Bucky, her finger tips crackling with streaks of blue electricity. She tilted her head slightly at him as he spoke, then looks back to the TV to see the main menu for Aliens on the screen. It slowly started to come back to her where she was and what was going on, but then she snapped her gaze back to Bucky as the electricity from her fingers sizzled away, “Oh my god, Bucky! I’m so so sorry!” She said softly, uncurling herself from the wall and leaned towards him a little, “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

Bucky sighs in relief as Y/N seemed back to normal, not knowing what else he could try if that didn’t work, “I’m alright, just a little shocked literally and figuratively.” He told her, holding his hand out to help her up from the floor and guided her back to the couch where Y/N took a seat. Bucky sat down by her, watching her curiously. At least now he could ask her questions about being an enhanced human and maybe more about how she was tangled with Hydra, “You literally electrocuted me, how is that possible?”

Y/N bit her lip, knowing questions were coming. She sat still on the couch, her eyes flickering between Bucky and her hands, “I don’t know.. It started when I was about ten years old…” She began, watching him for his reactions, “My parents got rid of me after they found out, sent me to a psychiatric facility when I was thirteen because they thought I was a witch or possessed. I got discharged and put into foster care and eventually adopted… It all went downhill from there.” She muttered out the last part, not really wanting to get into it unless he asked her. She didn’t know what she would say. How could she tell Bucky, a guy she was currently having a crush on, that she had been given up by her adoptive family to be tortured for an organization that seemed made up? Y/N didn’t want to sound crazy and scare him away. She chewed on her lip persistently, waiting for him to speak.

Bucky nodded, knowing the story already from the briefing he had before he came into Y/N’s life but it was good to hear her version, “You said don’t take me back… you looked traumatized saying don’t hurt me. What happened, Y/N?” He asks, curious to hear what really happened while she was gone after she fell off the grid. He needed to know more about her and especially more about Damon. He needed to understand how Y/N got mixed up with Damon and why he was murdering Hydra agents.

Y/N sighs, that was the question she didn’t want asked and hoped with just the small amount of information would be enough to suffice Bucky’s curiosity but somewhere inside her she knew it wouldn’t, “When the adoption was finalized and social workers didn’t need to come check up on me anymore, these men with accents took me to Washington. They put me in a cell in a bunker with a silver collar around my neck to steal the electricity I could produce… When they needed electricity to power the facility and their experiments, the collar would have sharp prongs that’d dig into my neck and cause me to create electricity….” She gently touched the scars on her neck from the prongs as she talked about them before continuing, “I was there alone for a long time until Damon and Stefan were put in the cells across from mine, they were brothers. The people who brought me there would take Damon and Stefan away sometimes… One day Stefan didn’t come back and we were told he died as part of an experiment. We were there for ten years together, isolated and alone.” She looked down at the floor where Sarge had came to lay below her, “Damon said they injected him with something that enhanced every ability he had including speed and strength and then he told me they were talking about brainwashing him… I panicked and released a large surge of electricity until the power blew in the facility and Damon and I escaped…” She slowly turned her gaze to Bucky, knowing she must sound insane to him, “That’s why Damon is in Washington, he goes to look for Stefan’s body every year. And ever since we escaped, the people who took me have been trying to get Damon and I back.”

Bucky slowly nodded at the story. He finally had answers as to what happened to Y/N and from the sound of it, Damon was a super soldier like him. He couldn’t help but feel anger and sadness for both Y/N and Damon. He had been in a similar situation before when he was taken by Hydra, turned into a brainwashed super soldier experiment and forced to kill but at least Y/N didn’t have the guilt of murder on her hands, “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Y/N. I’ve been through some similar things…” He thought about his next words carefully before deciding he had to say something true about himself, “I was also a Hydra experiment, Y/N. That’s the people who did those awful things to you.”

Y/N narrowed and her brow pulled together at his words, tilting her head, “You… You were an experiment too?” She repeats his words before her eyes widened slightly, “Is-is that why you’ve been hanging out with me? Pretending to enjoy my presence?” She stood suddenly, taking a few steps away from Bucky, “Are you here to take me back to them or for your own use? Because I’m not a battery! And I won’t ever be a prisoner again!” She shouted towards him, her finger tips starting to spark electricity again.

Bucky quickly threw his hands up in a non threatening manner again at her sudden hostility but he understood where it came from. During the most important years of Y/N’s life, she was taken prisoner, kept isolated away from other people and taught not to trust anybody besides Damon, something nobody should have to go through but yet Y/N came out alive and kind which fascinated Bucky even more, “No, Y/N!” He told her in a stern voice, “I honestly like hanging out with you. I definitely do not work with Hydra in any aspect. I was sent here because somebody has been ripping out Hydra agent’s hearts and snapping their necks which I figure is Damon’s doing. I had to come see if there was a problem and why Hydra was snooping around.” Y/N clenched her jaw a little, her teeth gritting together slightly as she listened to him. But something about the way Bucky was looking at her made her trust him. He had pain in his eyes as well and it reflected the own pain that was inside of her, “Damon was just trying to protect me… They don’t stop, they never do. They’re always waiting around every corner and find me anywhere I go.” She told him, the electricity in her fingers disappearing as she calmed down. She moved back to sit on the couch beside Bucky but continued to watch him carefully.

Bucky felt relief again as Y/N seemed to calm down and her hostility towards him seemed to fade. The last thing he wanted to do was become an enemy towards her and someone she couldn’t trust in her life, “I know, I was chased for a long time too and Hydra made me do awful things.” He sighed, feeling like he had to share his story now to show she could trust him, “In the 19040’s, I was taken by Hydra. They had already turned me into a super soldier, like your friend Damon, but they brainwashed me successfully and used me as a weapon for decades until 2014. I’m 106 years old, doll.”

Y/N’s jaw dropped at Bucky’s words, “Oh my god..” She managed to say before giving him an apologetic look, “I’m so sorry, Bucky. That’s awful. I’m sorry.” She said, reaching out a hand to squeeze his arm without realizing what she was doing. It was just instinct for Y/N to try and be there for others, be kind and Bucky Barnes was no different.

Bucky’s lips curved into a small smile, he couldn’t help it. The way Y/N was instinctively kind made him feel some sort of hope inside him for something better for him. If she could live through the trauma she went through, maybe he could too and come out a better person like Y/N had. Just as Bucky was about to speak, the moment was ruined as Damon strolled on in through the door.

Damon’s eyes flickered between the two, narrowing at the sight. He wasn’t expecting this, he had expected to see Y/N alone curled up with her dog. Then he noticed the dry tear trails on Y/N’s face, causing him to frown and in an instant he grabbed Bucky by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against a wall, “What did you do?!” He growled out at Bucky.

Y/N’s eyes widened as Damon slammed Bucky into the wall, “Damon, stop!” She yelled at him but Damon didn’t back off. She quickly stood, watching it unfold. Bucky used his vibranium arm to grab onto Damon’s wrist, twisting it and pushing him away. That didn’t stop Damon from coming at Bucky again which caused Bucky to land a punch to Damon’s cheek causing him to fall backwards onto the floor.

“Bucky!” Y/N yelled this time, watching as Damon got back up and walked towards Bucky with anger all over his complexion. Y/N got between the two dark haired men before they could make contact with each other again, placing her palms on each of their chests to stop them from getting any closer to each other, “Hey, knock it off or I swear to god I’m going to shock both of you to the point you see tweety birds around your heads.” She turned to Damon, “I’m fine, Damon.” Y/N turned to look at Bucky, taking a deep breath, “I think we all need to talk.”

__________________________________________________________

TAGLIST: @wooya1224 @big-galaxy-chaos @buckys2thicc @allidoiswritewritewrite

[dogtastictraining]

The Problems with Positive Training

I have had a few conversations and clients recently that have made me reflect on the problems I encounter with doing positive dog training and trying to educate and train pet owners this way.

1. It’s slow. 

Training is just learning for your dog. Some things take a short time to learn and some take longer. 

For example, to learn to read we really really practice that! Start small, easy words, short sentences, and work up to bigger books, longer sentences.. maybe an encyclopedia! (Hopefully everyone reading this knows what that is). 

Some things take a shorter period to learn, either because it’s an easier concept or because the learner is already in a good mindset for learning. 

For example, if I moved into a new house and have to remember where the towels are kept, that’s a relatively easy concept that will take me a much shorter time to learn then to read. 

As for the state of mind of the learner, this is different for everyone. I find that some people can see something demonstrated just once and then pretty much duplicate that, and some people need to be shown several times. For me, I am a visual learner rather than auditory. If someone explains something to me, I would much rather see it demonstrated or do it myself to really cement the learning. So dogs are no different. 

For our dogs, something like sit is an easy concept and takes a fairly short time to train. But a nice Heel or desensitizing to something the dog is afraid of, those are big concepts and take a lot longer time to train with more repetitions. 

To get the dog into the right learning mindset, simple commands and tricks help with that, such as a Touch (nose target) command. When the dog is engaged and eager to learn, they pick new things up much quicker, and that is a good place to be, especially if you have to tackle any serious behaviors.

2. People do it wrong. 

I’m including this in the problems with positive training because it is, in fact a problem we experience with positive training, and one that gives it a bad rap (rep?). For example, luring is a common concept we use in training classes, such as to lure the dog into a sit position by placing a treat up and over their head. However, I find that students rely on the lure for WAY too long.. much longer than needed so that what the dog learns is not the concept of sit, but that sit only happens with the treat in the hand or above the dog’s head.

Here is a picture of me luring two dogs into a Bow.

The concept of fading (getting rid of) the lure is something we go over in my training classes - getting the lure out of the hand as soon as possible - and I test students on it in week 2. However, luring is easy, and it yields a quick result. And most of us have a button on pride - we want our dogs to be successful and look good. So it easily creeps back in to the owner’s training.. handicapping the dog at a rudimentary level.

So what’s the problem with always having a treat in your hand? We are treat training after all! Well, then we end up with a dog who literally can’t do the behavior without a treat because it is SO unpracticed (they have had 1,000 repetitions of the behavior with a treat in your hand, and 0 without a treat). Therefore the treat also becomes a clue/cue/context for the behavior to occur - just as the verbal command is a cue for the behavior. 

3. There are not many quick fixes. 

One way I think of positive training is learning through higher education vs pain. Stick with me here - pain is very useful as a learning clue, but it is not the only way and does not have to be the primary way. 

For example, one of my clients has a dog that chased cars on her property (not an uncommon behavior). She did not teach him an alternative behavior or manage his environment so that he was not able to chase cars, and therefore he got hit one day. 

It was minor and nothing was broken, and the dog is fine. But as a result, he now no longer chases cars (at least does not go as close as he used to). So in this scenario, the painful experience was actually a productive learning experience for him in that it is inhibiting a very dangerous behavior. (Just to be clear I am not advocating this as a solution and would have addressed it much differently!!! But the fact still remains that it happened and he learned.) 

It works the same for humans as well. Think about those of us that have ever had a broken heart or had a relationship go south, then you are more guarded and reserved to have that happened again because it was a painful experience.

By contrast, I have burned myself many times while cooking. Each time it is painful, each time I do not want it to repeat, but it is not painful enough for me to never do that behavior ever again, or for me to stop cooking. This is why pain is not always the best learning tool, because you do not know how it is for the learner. I have seen a dog be put on a prong collar for the first time and be so uncomfortable with the sensation that they never pulled against it. And I have seen dogs that either didn’t care, desensitized to it, grew callouses, etc. and kept pulling anyway.

So pain is usually involved in a quick fix. 

But with positive we are trying to actually educate the dog. Teach him not to run on the road. To lay down when he sees a car coming until it’s out of sight, then he can move again, or practice him staying on the side and letting it go past and getting rewarded for that... there are a bunch of ways it could have been trained. Then it’s something the dog has LEARNED without the painful/traumatic incident. There is an alternative behavior for the dog to DO. Rather than the absence of behavior.

Instead of - don’t chase cars (leaving the dog with a void of what to do), it’s - do this behavior instead.

However, that takes time to train. A longer time depending on how long the behavior has been happening, how motivated the dog is to do the behavior, and the frequency of the training.

And I get it, not everyone has the time, wants to make the time, cares enough, etc. to actually train the dog. Many want a quick fix, and often positive training can’t provide that.

4. It takes effort. 

One thing people frequently comment on is how well behaved my dog Buck is, and how they want their dog to be trained like him. Well guess what, he gets trained every day - not always something big, but always something. When he was a puppy I would use his meals to train something, and then line my family up to show off his tricks. I would plan my schedule so that I could include him for a training walk or adventure. I walked him every day and trained on every walk. Get the point?! He was not born that good. He is the sum of his experiences and his training. At his core he is really a nervous dog and would have really bad separation anxiety if he had been with an owner that did less.

My dog Buck. 

I’m not saying you can only have a trained dog if you do all that, but you do have to do a lot. Especially when they are puppies, up through probably 3 years old is when many start to settle down and get into a good groove.

Sometimes you might have to shift your life around to be more conducive for your dog. Sometimes you have to cancel plans. Sometimes your puppy is not your dream dog... yet. And no, it’s not always fun. Yes it’s a lot of work. But that is life! Everything good takes hard work!

Positive training is a lot like losing weight. You have to actually do the work - there are no quick fixes, no weight loss pills that actually work, coconut oil is not the miracle! 😂 You have to be thoughtful about the food you eat, maybe not eat exactly what you want all the time, exercise, etc. Just signing up for the gym does nothing.. you have to actually GO and actually work out.

Positive training is the same - you have to actually train your dog. Repetitions. Consistency. Repetitions. Should I repeat it again or do we get the point?! 😂 Your dog jumps on people? Have someone practice coming in and out of the door 20 times. Then have someone else do that. And then again next week. And again. Until your dog gets it. You can’t just practice with me when I get there, or practice once a month (or not at all!) and expect your dog to learn a new behavior.

5. It’s misunderstood. 

Many people think of positive training as too soft - too permissive. “Can I say No to my dog?” On a whole we are trying to train first rather than setting up for failure (not telling the dog what to do and then correcting them for a mistake they did not know was a mistake is setting up for failure). 

But do I say no to dogs? Sure! If a dog runs into the road, you betcha I’m gonna yell No! I’m not going to ignore that behavior in lieu of him getting hit or something. 🤦‍♀️ But those are safety points. It’s not the same as having a dog pull on leash and saying no - this is when most people try to use the word. Or a puppy is playing keep away and the owner is yelling no. For me, these are moments where training and management allow us to be better and more productive than the word no.

However, outside of the word no (even if you never use it) the point is that all dogs need boundaries, and these need to be clearly defined and always consistent. 

For example, we don’t allow dogs on furniture in my house. But when I used to board and train dogs, many of those dogs were allowed up at their house. Was this a big deal? No. If the dog jumped on the couch I just immediately said uh-uh and then pulled them off. Sometimes it took a few reps of that, but pretty quickly the dogs learned they got pet on the floor, and if they went on the couch they were immediately pulled off.

That’s an example of consistency - I did that every time so they quickly learned. Was it super painful? No. Did I use a shock collar? No. Did they learn? Yes. Is that still positive training? Yes.

And that’s the point. Is just saying the word No does nothing, but No followed by a consequence (removal from the furniture, the room, the person, etc.) means something. 

Positive training does not mean your dog has no rules and boundaries. In fact I think that is awful and very stressful for a dog to have no rules. But can your rules be nice and fair? Absolutely! And they don’t have to be the silly old ones like you have to walk through the door first. They just have to be house rules that they can count on.

Compassion in Training

Those are some of the points I run into most often with regards to training. In my immediate area I am up against a few big name e-collar trainers who can promise quick fixes. I cannot. 🤷‍♀️

But I can promise you a way of training that is the way we should treat each other and animals - with kindness, compassion, fairness, and pain-free wherever possible. 

Incidentally, I can also promise that the techniques of positive training will not permanently scar or break your dog in any way. Most e-collar trainers do not include THAT in their guarantee. 

I was raised with the fundamental saying that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated. And that is how I think we should strive to treat our dogs as well.

Becky Pesicka, CPDT-KA, CNWI runs Dogtastic Training, a positive training company in California. 

[cynological]

Hi, I was wondering if you could explain what it means when a dog “shuts down”? I mostly see this term in reference to people using prong collars or other aversive methods. I’m not trying to start a debate about the use of those tools. I am just confused on what a “shut down” dog looks like? I’m scared of making my dog shut down and I don’t want him to be obedient because of that. Thank you so much!

Shut down generally refers to the "freeze" aspect of fight, flight, or freeze. Essentially, the dog just... Doesn't want to interact anymore. What it generally presents as is flattened ears, a tucked tail, avoiding eye contact, and being very low to the floor, trying to make itself smaller. The dogs won't play, won't take food. The dog goes into avoidance and may try to get away. And stays that way for a bit. When I think of a shut down dog, I think of "too scared to move" or "does not want to play anymore." Look up people trying to walk cats on a leash. The cats kind of go deadweight. It's kind of like learned helplessness, for lack of a better phrase.Some dogs shut down easier than others. Genetics and life experiences play into that. What triggers a dog to become shut down is different for every dog. My dog can take a hard collar correction and be fine and keep going like nothing happened, but if I raise my voice at him too loudly out of drive, he hits the floor like I'm going to beat him (which I have -never- done, he is just very handler sensitive, so I have to be more careful with my tone). This isn't shut down, but if I pressed the issue, I could shut him down. For other dogs, a collar correction will do it. I have a friend whose dog completely shuts down at a low level on an ecollar. Have another friend who's dog will start to shut down at a lack of feedback. She doesn't use corrections on this dog at all because he is so soft, but shaping is very stressful on him. I know many dogs who, after the initial freak out over a head halter, will refuse to move. Heck, one of my previous dogs would go into complete avoidance over bubblewrap. Dogs that are shut down can usually be built back up, especially if it's not a state the dog is constantly in. A total shut down, where it becomes more of a traumatic event, can be harder to work through. @dogitmayconcern has two foster dogs right now that fit that due to the conditions they were previously kept in. I'm sure he can elaborate more if he chooses to. The way to avoid it is to set the dogs up for success. If you give a correction, immediately reward the dog for doing something right. Make it fun again. Don't just sit there and correct, correct, correct (or just nor reward or provide positive feedback). Pay attention to body language and enthusiasm. Shutting a dog down can damage the relationship and trust a dog has in you and set you back in training, depending on how significant of an event it is to the dog. Hope I was able to provide some insight. Others can feel free to add their opinions to this as well.

[smackit17-blog]

Couch surfing is deceiving. It looks easy but it’s really hard

In my inaugural post, I concluded by saying I was heading to Los Angeles for a change of scenery and to explore opportunities. And as it happened, one of the conversations I’d started before arriving, became real on my first full day in LA. We agreed to a 3-month trial and if we both decide it’s a good fit at the end of the 3 months I’ll be relocating from NYC to LA.

The thought is both exhilarating and terrifying. Of course, you want to deliver great results, so that you are asked to stay on, but am I really ready to leave NYC? I mean LA is a fun place to visit, and I’ve talked about it moving here, but with the security of knowing I was locked into NYC- until now. Which brings me to lesson #1 in this post: Don’t underestimate the little things. Remember me espousing the belief that I am currently tethered to nothing and no one? Not entirely true. My family is outside of Philadelphia less than a 2-hour drive from my Battery Park apartment. I have an amazing network of friends with many of the friendships running more than a decade. My favorite workouts, restaurants, hell even the “go to” drycleaner, who can literally get out any stain. And so much more. It’s called a life and I was so wrapped up in thinking about a job and a relationship that I forgot about all the other things that make up a life.

And now here I am in LA with no net. Not even a go to Dentist. Clearly, I’m not in a 3rd world country, but you get the point. Familiarity breeds contempt, but man when everything is unfamiliar, the longing is palpable.

And I’m still dealing with the post-traumatic stress of the most recent fallout with my ex. (I know horrendous to bring him into a 3rd post, but whatever it’s part of what I am dealing with). Friends who don’t read my blog (and most don’t) have no idea I have seen him in the last year or more. And the ones I confided in are so sick of hearing about it, the ability to have any sympathy is just non-existent. And I don’t blame them. I have zero sympathy for myself at this point. And do question my sanity.

So, all of this is happening, while I start a new job, where I need and want to impress. I’m in a strange city with only a handful of friends. And I’m couch surfing, i.e. staying with an incredibly generous friend. Which brings me to lesson #2 in the post: True selflessness is a humbling. I feel a combination of guilt, relief, and the kind of gratitude you have for someone who has saved your life. Guilt because she has more on her plate than any single person should have to. And adding another body in your already full house is a lot. And let’s be honest — I’M A LOT! She couldn’t be more welcoming and gracious but I feel/am a tremendous imposition. Relief because I don’t have to pay two rents, and I get to come home to a familiar and beloved face (faces including her two kids and 10 -month old lab puppy — more on him shortly). And gratitude for having someone extend such kindness. This is more than a good friend. This is family.

So while I am not technically couch surfing — I have a lovely room which I have taken over from her 6 year old son (yes you read that correctly), I am living in someone else’s home, and just generally imposing on every aspect of her life. Because despite the awkwardness, it just doesn’t make sense to look into something of my own until I have clarity on whether or not this is a permanent relocation. And as it so happens, she and her children are out of town the bulk of the summer leaving a mostly empty house.

Which brings me to lesson #3 in this post: Be careful what you wish for! All those times I wished I could be more free-spirited and accepting of others generosity? Let me tell you this is harder than it looks. I have listened to stories over the years of mooching friends, wondering how they “pull it off,” and thinking, “man I couldn’t do it, but really wish I could!” I’ve always prided myself on total self-sufficiency, and if anything, being the one to pay the tab or let someone crash with me because I was “so sorted.” Also I am a bit of a control freak. I like having my own space, with my things organized just my way, and my whole routine. So being in someone else’s home, carless for the moment, without knowing the places to run errands, or having any of them be walkable, makes you feel incredibly dependent and unsettled.

And there’s the shame of asking a million stupid questions — is there a Starbucks between here and work (don’t worry I’ll make you coffee); how about a drycleaner (I’ll drop your stuff); is there a drawer I could use (give me a few days to clear out my son’s clothes); Do you want to go hiking this weekend (sure! Even though I know the answer is most certainly — NO) Cringe-worthy.

And so, this control freak became determined to be the best damn couch surfer/house guest. How could I do it? Could I cook dinners? No. As it became immediately apparent everyone ate on different schedules. Could I book my trainer friend to train us? Maybe. But would that even be a workout she liked and a time that worked? Keep thinking Julie! And then the answer seemed handed to me on a silver platter…

When my friend picked me up from my AirBnB and was driving me to begin my stay at her house, she mentioned that he puppy was pretty out of control and might be the most challenging part of my stay. THERE IT WAS! I would train this puppy! So we walk into the house and I meet Kota. Well my student was a handsome devil. Pure white with a big square head and inquisitive expression. He was a large one too — about 70 pounds full of wriggling, constant moving, chewing, and barking puppy power. My immediate diagnosis — this dog just needs exercise. So, shortly after entering the house, Kota and I were off for a walk

Kota didn’t have a prong collar, typically a helpful way to train big strong dogs to heel and walk properly. I was not deterred. I’m big and strong and I can do this. Well this dog dragged me to and fro across the neighborhood streets, sniffing and wiggling with joy and abandon. I could see he was happy to be out, but I was beginning to realize I might be in over my head. I had grown up with big German Shepherds, but they were all trained by my mom. And my own beagle, Beemer, had come to me as a show dog — trained and saintly.

But I figured I’d get into a routine, great for both of us. I’d wake up early and walk the loop of my friend’s hilly 1 mile neighborhood. Hell maybe 2x around! Start the day off right for both Kota and me. And I’m sure the more I walked him the better he’d get. I’d pick up a nice prong collar and we’d take it from there. So Thursday am I woke up tired and slow moving on the heels of The Grateful Dead show. But off I went. Letting Kota drag me about half way through the neighborhood before giving up and turning around. Tomorrow would be a fresh day, not hung over and stressed about a new job. We’d start then.

Following work that same day, I arrive back to Bel Air. My friend and her kids were relaxing after dinner and watching some TV. My new best friend Kota greeted me with interest. I had some new hire paperwork and first day email follow ups, so I set up at the breakfast bar in full view of the family so I could maintain some sense of sociability and do what I needed to do.

Which brings me to less number #4: Don’t underestimate your task! I quickly became engrossed in some personal emails and my friend and her kids made their way up to get ready for bed. I remained perched at my breakfast bar stool, face fully into the computer. Kota was downstairs with me. I assumed we were together in companionable silence. We’d probably been alone for 10, maybe 15 minutes when I looked down and noticed one of the two espadrilles I had put on the ground beside me was missing. And almost instantly I knew the culprit. Kota. Sure enough, it was dangling from his mouth. He had been waiting for me to notice. I stood up and watched over and in my most authoritative voice demanded he drop it. Instantly he stood up and ran to the back yard, and then popped his head back in the house and the chase ensued. That fucker was most certainly having a glorious time taunting me. I alternately tried to cajole and demand. Neither worked. I got desperate and offered bread. It worked. Only the damage was done. The entire strap was chewed off and its contents, including the buckle were in Kota’s stomach.

I went upstairs to complain to my friend who was trying to enjoy some quiet time with her daughter. She asked me gently for a few more minutes. I sheepishly left the room and went back downstairs to face my tormentor. And in the 2 to 3 minutes since I’d gone upstairs Kota had not gotten hold of a pen. At some point, he had ripped up a significant area of my friend’s white living room rug and lay chewing on the pen in the newly bare spot on the rug. So not only was it bare it was blue. As was his feet and his tongue. Arghhhh this fucking dog!

This dog, that I was going to train, as the legacy of the greatest couch surfer of all time, was making me look like really really really bad. Actually, more like the worst house guest ever. Causing more problems than anything. I had to grab my friend abruptly from her daughter’s bedroom as I literally how no idea how to handle her new blue dog, who by the way wouldn’t drop the pen, and wanted to engage in another game of “catch me if you can.” So, after she windexed as much blue from him as she could and I apologized as much as you can in this kind of situation, I made my own quick exit to bed.

And as I lay in her 6-year-old son’s bed, I was feeling blue. A lot like Kota looked actually. What was I going to do? I was now feeling more than a little overwhelmed by the prospect of this dog. Especially with a new job, which after only one day I knew was going to be long and arduous hours. And as I continued to ruminate on how quickly things had unraveled this evening, it dawned on me that Kota and I had a lot in common, We were both antsy and anxious beings who didn’t know what to do with our excess energy and anxiety and instead of having any ability to self soothe or channel our energy productively we got destructive. Hmmmm. This thought might be too deep to tackle in this post, and it certainly was at 10pm that night. So, I did what the experts say you should do during moments like this– I went the fuck to sleep.

And this brings me to the final lesson for this post: There is always a silver lining! When I woke up in the morning I had new resolve. Surely, I was humbled, but I wasn’t yet ready to give up. I would walk this dog every morning and at minimum and goddammit that was something. So off we went as my friend again readied her kids for school. This time, I managed to let Kota drag me through the whole neighborhood loop, and there were a few minutes where a passerby might think this dog was walking quite nicely! And even better this loop is steep hills throughout. Good for Kota and even better for my ass! WIN WIN! And so here we are. The dawn of a new day and new possibilities for me and Kota, and for finding my missing ass ;)