#now i must leave excel hell and join powerpoint hell

[vermillioncrown]

i've been looking at this motherfucking excel sheet for three weeks now

[jackluvsdaniel]

Because, Eddie

1,319 words | read on ao3

Ficlet inspired by this @incorrectbuddie post.

They’re lying in bed wrapped around each other, Eddie’s head resting on Buck’s chest. He shivered a little, growing chilled as the sweat cooled on their bodies, and Buck pulled him closer with a content sigh.  

They’ve only been officially dating for a few weeks, and this was Buck’s first time sleeping over in his bed.  Eddie had always loved cuddling, but he hadn’t realized just how much he missed having someone else in his bed. With Buck, he honestly just craves physical intimacy all the time. He doesn’t think he’s stopped touching Buck since he walked through the front door tonight. He wondered if Buck was indulging him, or if he enjoyed the physical contact as much as Eddie did.  

“Hey Buck, can I ask you something,” he said, turning his head to prop his chin on Buck’s chest.  

“Hmm...,” was the only response he got. Buck remained boneless under him, eyes closed and a sweet smile on his face.  

“Why do you love me?” And wow, he did not mean to say that. Heat rushed to his face and his heart started to pound.

Buck’s eyes flew open and locked with his, concern flitting across his face briefly as he searched Eddie’s face.  

“Eds, what...”  

“No, I just mean –”, he rolled away and dropped his head to the pillow with a huff.   

So, look, knew he had issues coming out of his marriage to Shannon. They fought most of the time whenever he was home on leave. She had plenty of complaints about the many ways he was letting her down, both as a husband and as a father.  When he finally came home for good, she took off and abandoned their son. Abandoned them both. He’d felt like a failure as a husband ever since. That belief was only reinforced during the brief time he and Chris had with her when she came back.  

In contrast, his relationship with Buck has always been easy. After that first shift, anyway. Even the problems they had during the lawsuit boiled down to Eddie being hurt and feeling like Buck abandoned him and Chris. Buck’s easy friendship and his instant connection with Chris had disarmed Eddie completely. Before he knew what was happening, Buck was a vital part of their lives. Falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. But if his fights with Shannon had taught him anything, it was that he didn’t excel at being a loving, supportive partner.  He knew it wasn't all on him, she had her faults too.  But he couldn’t allow his shortcomings to ruin things with Buck. If he knew what it was about him that already made Buck happy, maybe he could avoid making the same mistakes.  

“Hey, Eddie – I don’t know what’s happening in your head right now, but listen to me, okay?” He’d rolled to his side so they were touching all along their bodies again but he understood Eddie very well by now, so he tangled their fingers together and pulled their joined hands to his chest.  

“Eds, you’re the best man I know, and I adore the shit out of you. If you need reassurance from me, I’m happy to give it to you. I could create an entire PowerPoint with examples and photo evidence of all the reasons I love you.”  

Eddie chuckled, a little teary-eyed but trying to hide it. The thing is, he believed Buck. He knew Buck loved him and Christopher with his entire heart. He knew Buck would never leave them. He didn't know why he was feeling insecure about this tonight, but he blamed therapy for bringing out old feelings of inadequacy. Buck must read the emotions as they played over his face because he just started talking.  

“I love that you’re an amazing father. The best father I’ve ever met in my life. You help Chris be independent in every way possible because you know how important it is to him. Even if you sometimes wish he’d accept more help. You love him unconditionally, and you encourage him to try new things as often as possible. You spend actual quality time with him, you're never just phoning it in. You pay attention to his interests, even when they bore the hell out of you.”  

Eddie has lost the battle with his tears at this point, and a few slide slowly down his cheek. Buck didn't mention them, he just brushed them away tenderly and continued speaking.   

"When we met, you were so patient with me. I was insecure about my place in the firehouse and acting out. I knew I was being a brat, but you just took it, and kept working, being annoyingly competent. You never snapped back at me. It pissed me off at first, that patience and steadfastness, and I wasn’t sure I could trust it. But by the time we walked out of that ambulance, I knew. You were someone I could depend on, someone reliable. I haven’t had much of that in my life.”  

Buck’s eyes are full of tears too, now. His grip on Eddie’s hand is tight enough to hurt, but he says nothing.   

“I love that you’re such a supportive friend, Eddie. To me, yes, of course. Always. But you helped Chim when he was struggling with pursuing a relationship with Maddie. And when Maddie left, you were there for him again. You bonded with May and listened when she needed a friend to talk to. You and Linda still share tips and tricks and new recipes all the time, and you gossip like it’s going out of style. You’re stubborn and single-minded sometimes, and that doesn’t always lead to great decisions. But you own up to your mistakes and you work to make things right.”  

For a moment, Buck hesitated. Eddie thought maybe he was waiting for a response, but when he opened his mouth Buck just shook his head slightly as his tears broke free.   

“You absolutely hate therapy. You’d rather do just about anything else. But you go every week without fail because you want to get better, and you want to feel stronger. For Christopher, yes. But you’re learning to do it for yourself. You’re healing. It’s fucking beautiful to watch Eddie. The way you’re becoming comfortable with who you are and what you want...man, I am so fucking proud of you.”  

Well, now they’re both soggy messes and even though they’ve been touching this entire time, it feels like Buck is too far away. He used their joined hands and pulled Buck off balance, not letting go until he covered Eddie’s body with his own. Buck’s solid weight was a comfort, and Eddie relaxed into the mattress.  

“I love you, Evan,” he murmured. “You’re perfect for me, and for Chris. You know? You love with every fiber of your being, with no hesitation. I guess I don’t always feel like I’m returning that same energy. I don’t always feel like that man you described. But if that’s how you truly see me...maybe we’re just perfect for each other.”  

Buck dropped down to take his lips in a sweet kiss. He teased him with gentile nips and soft sweeps of his tongue until Eddie got impatient and deepened the kiss himself.  

“I love you, too. We are perfect for each other, Eddie. You and me, and Christopher too. The three of us, we’re nailing the whole family thing,” Buck said with a hastily covered yawn. He grabbed for the blankets and tucked them in as he settled next to Eddie.   

Eddie reached out a hand to lace their fingers together, not wanting to let go of Buck’s comfort completely even to sleep. He felt wrapped up in the warmth of Buck’s love. He knows his insecurities aren’t magically cured. With time, though, they’ll disappear entirely, and Buck will be with him for the journey.