#now we need our annual wedding rerun

[punkpoemprose]

December 8th- NyQuil and Lumberjack Fantasies

Universe: Modern AU

Rating: T (Teen & Up Audiences)

Length:1516 Words

A little bit of fluff based on this really cute post that @kristanna sent me. And if you’re thinking, oh, Emily only ever writes sick Anna when she’s sick then you would be 100% correct. 2018 is taking one last shot at murdering me and it’s right before the holidays. I might not finish Advent this year, but I’m going to try my damnedest.

Anna sneezed for what felt like the hundredth time in an hour and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her hoodie. She’d recently finished a bowl of soup and crackers and had the feeling that she’d be falling asleep on the couch very soon. The reruns of Star Trek on the television no longer held her attention and she knew that it was for the best anyway. A long nap might provide her immune system with some time to work against whatever evil had invaded her body.

As soon as she laid back onto the couch and closed her eyes her cell phone rang and with only slight irritation, she lifted it to her ear and croaked out a scratchy greeting.

“Ooof, not feeling better then I take it?”

Anna pouted, less so due to the comment and more because of her own irritation with her illness. She would get sick right before the Holidays. It was her luck entirely to fall ill on one of the busiest times of the year for her. She was only lucky that as a school teacher she was already on break because the only thing that was worse than being sick during the holidays was being sick and working on the holidays.

“I feel like I’ve been run over by a reindeer,” she groaned, her head had been pounding all day as if she had been hit quite hard, but it was all due to whatever bacteria or virus had made its way into her system. She still hadn’t managed to figure out what illness she’d caught from her students, but she was mentally cursing out their parents for not keeping them home. It always seemed like she had the greatest number of ill students right before winter break and she was sure that it was because the looming threat of having the kids home all day made parents try to keep them in school for as many days as they could before.

“At least it’s festive,” he mused from the other side of the line and Anna could hardly be upset with him. Despite his teasing he was truly sorry for her illness and although he had to go in for work, he’d spent his morning making her tea and setting her up on the couch.

“I’d much rather be decorating the tree or baking,” she said in return, “though it’s not all bad, because it means you’re out doing the last-minute shopping and I’m not trying to elbow an old lady away from the last ham in the city.”

He snort-laughed and she grinned, closing her eyes against the light in their Livingroom and imagining his smile instead. He had a perfect smile, the sort from which there was no doubt that he was happy or amused. He didn’t half smile, when he was pleased, his face all but glowed.

“Luckily for me I’ve already got the bulk of the shopping done. I just thought I’d give you a call because I wanted to pick you up a last little something. I thought we’d snuggle up on the couch together tonight…well after I Lysol it…”

She booed him while smiling in response and then let him continue with a chuckle.

“Anyway I thought we’d sit together and read. I know you’ve finished everything on your shelf… maybe even twice, so I’ve got a few books here and I’m going to read you their back blurbs and you’re going to pick one.”

“Kristoff Bjorgman! You can’t be giving me an early gift! It’s Christmas Eve Eve!”

“I think you’ll see that I can Princess. Now I’m going to read and you’re going to pick one or I will. Later I’m going to give it to you completely unwrapped and we’re going to relax and while you read it I’m going to love the sick right out of you.”

Anna couldn’t help but agree. It was very rare that Kristoff was the insistent one and she could hardly say no to the prospect of his pampering her. She’d be half mad not to accept.

“Okay so this one’s called Mistletoe & Murder, ‘Veronica Marsden gets the Christmas gift of a lifetime when a rakish nobleman asks for her hand in marriage. As an educated woman beginning her own detective agency in the man’s world of 1920’s London she’ll have to decide whether her heart lies with her work or with Lord Reginald Kingsley. Everything is complicated when a murder occurs beneath the mistletoe at the biggest society event of the year and her beau finds himself at the center of the investigation. Will Veronica be able to clear his name? And what of his proposal? Will she have her Christmas Pudding and eat it too?’”

“Sounds promising if not a bit involved… what does the cover look like?”

“Well it’s got a mostly naked man on the front with a woman wielding a gun who otherwise looks straight out of Downton Abbey.”

“Oh, very promising then.”

“Alright book number two has a man in similar undress on the cover, but this time the woman’s half naked as well and her hands are on his chest. They both look like they’re pretty oiled up. It says, ‘Elenore was thrilled to spend the week before Christmas travelling abroad to the castles whose architecture she’d studied in college, but she quickly changes her tune when she finds herself snowed in and spending her holidays in a remote village in the heart of Romania. The dark and handsome lord of the castle is charming but harbors a dark secret. She begins to wonder whether she’ll need more than her favorite turtleneck to survive the season, and more importantly whether she wants to survive it at all.”

Anna smiled, “A remnant of the great vampire obsession of ’08?”

“No, Christmas with the Count is shockingly not a bargain book and the copyright is from just last year. It was collecting dust though and I know you love an underdog.”

She laughed at that, feeling a bit less exhausted now that he had her attention faced towards bad romance novels. He always did know how to cheer her up. “I do love an underdog, one gave me a wedding ring.”

“Hey!” he said, feigning offense, “Just because I had no idea how to talk to you when we met and had to ask you if I could kiss you before I even attempted on the end of our second date doesn’t mean that I’m an underdog.”

“Well given what that vampire probably gets from that oiled up college grad without a first date, I think you might be a little bit of an underdog, but hey, I picked a good one didn’t I?”

She heard him try to stifle a laugh and snuggled down into the couch a bit more. She might nap yet, but only for the short while it took for him to finish his shopping and arrive back home. She did want to be well rested for his return. She was going to hold him to a bit of cuddling.

“Alright, last one I’ve found for you. It’s called Christmas at the Cabin and the blurb reads, “Belle Christian has always played it safe, but when her car breaks down on her way to her sister’s annual Christmas party she finds herself on the doorstep of a stranger’s cabin with no cell service for miles. The roads quickly become too unsafe to drive on, the power goes out, and she finds herself totally reliant on sexy stranger and expert woodsman Geoff Johnston as they spend the Holidays trapped in his cabin. Belle decides that playing it safe isn’t nearly as fun as finding creative ways to spend their time together.”

“Oh I do love a good lumberjack fantasy.”

“I wonder why?” he said, certainly proud of himself and in excellent humor. Given the fact that they often went camping together and that he as such was quite often found with a axe in hand, her reasons were very clear to them both.

“All I’m saying is if the book is good enough, I feel well enough, and you wear a flannel you might end up with an early Christmas gift as well.”

She was feeling better already.

“I take it that you’d like that one then? And a bottle of non-drowsy nyquil?”

“You know me so well Mr. Bjorgman.”

“I try my best Mrs. Bjorgman.” Her heart still fluttered a bit at the sound of him calling her his wife, “I’m going to pick up a few more gifts for my folks and Elsa if you think I can be trusted and then I’ll head home and start dinner?”

“That sounds like a dream come true.”

“Like a lumberjack fantasy come true?”

She smiled, “Well that depends on you now doesn’t it?”

She hit the end button on the call and pulled the throw blanket up over her waist before closing her eyes again. She had a feeling he was running toward the check out and the bookstore that very moment.

[andziaregina]

"You should bloggggg!"

If y'all say so.

I've been told I'm pretty entertaining when I tell stories. Lately, my stories are mostly dating related and few and far between. I'm generally just watching whatever I'm binging, or reruns of Trixie and Katya.

So I'll start this story from the beginning of this year. I turned 30 in March, and literally everything since then is a fucking rollercoaster. Mostly excellent, but the fun, tragically hilarious shit is what we're focusing on here. My ex and I broke up because she wanted to get back together with our old roommate. Yes, back together, old roommate. That's a different mess but after 3 1/2 years, if your choice is someone whose teeth are more congruently jagged with yours then please, date your cousin. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So we break up, and WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO AFTER YOU'VE BEEN DATING WOMEN FOR A FEKKIN DECADE but sleep with a guy. Y'all chill, I've been to this rodeo (a lotttttt). So the fucking hilarity is I'm just like hell ya, sleeping with someone who I've always been friends with and this can be super easy RIGHT?! Obviously Karen if you have to ask the answer is absolutely not- make this as painfully awkward as possible. So this carried on for ya know like, 3 or 4 months or some shit. My *ass* catches some feels, duh, but it doesn't work out. Here's where I can be an ADULT THIRTY YEAR OLD GDI but why? It didn't work out supposedly because the sex fizzled out or whatever wording was chosen to explain to me why the ghosting happened on his part but the truth is whiskey dick is a HELL of a condition and some people can't own up to it. The TEA is that a lot went into this! Meeting family, going to weddings, annual summer parties- but ya know. Whiskey. Fucking. Dick. AND EVEN BETTER after literally being told "here's why I ghosted" I get told it's because he was thinking about me AFTER the girl he had been seeing/liking/literally who gives a fuck got a boyfriend and he was sad. Sad, Barbara. Lmao. I can't make any of this or the following up. THEN this idiot sends me a snap of himself in the shower with a beer and says, "Have a beer with me?" No, lmao. I also posted a song on snap by an artist named James Bay, and his ass with the same first name is like, "Am I your James Bae lololololol" STFU you ain't funny.

Oooooooookay so ironically this same weekend i find out there are really creative ways to cover up whiskey dick, another guy I'd gone out with a few times told me I was "a lot". This fuckin' guy. Check this out: so I go out with this guy for drinks. I think we hit it off, we text quite a bit, whatever. So he's like why don't you come to my place for whiskey and TV binge. I'm like, "Y'all, I love a good night in. Yes. Absolutely." So I go to his place, we talk and he shows me around and is perfectly nice. I need to also mention now, before the audacity this child had is discussed, that I am pretty picky about height. I like girls my height or a bit taller, and I like guys literally as tall as the Red Wood Forest. These aren't set in stone but I just want to feel ~*~like a lady~*~ and someone being taller than me does that for me. This dude is 5'8". I'm 5'7". So you can already assume I'm trying to tell myself if he's a decent person I will clam up, put out and be okay. Well, I'll be the first to say if I am sitting on a couch and your choice is to approach me from above like a swooping (tiny) falcon and aggressively kiss me with no preface, you gotta miss me with that bullshit. But, again, let's just see where this goes. I mean I fucking shaved, what did I THINK I was doing this night?? Okay, so we make out and things move along and we decide to go to the bedroom and obviously we had *iNtErCoUrSe*. But the fucking thing is, he did this like dirty talk but like- not well. If someone has to incessantly ask me if I like something, chances are I either already don't or I certainly won't anymore. So, I just knew with each drying pump, I would have to say something or ensure the most inflamed vaginal lips on earth and I ain't trying to have that. So I tell him, "Hey, dirty talk just isn't doing it for me." THIS FUCKING GUY had the god damn nerve to tell me I would just need to get ear plugs. Wrong, bucko. Absolutely, unequivocally not correct. And more over, when he hit me with the typical, "I can't get off with a condom, I'm a twat," I was like well that's too bad. "Do you want to suck it?" Y'all, I hollered. No, I sure don't bud. I sure the fuck don't. So I left.

Honourable mentions before I continue: super short guy who lied and told me he was 5'8" and is irrevocably 5'5". Also, another guy who I had EVERY FUCKING GOLD-COVERED, GIFT-WRAPPED CHANCE TO POSSIBLY DATE and would have been great, but don't worry I let ol Whiskey Dong cloud my judgment so whatever.

So then I meet this chick. Super attractive you GUYS. About my height, long dark hair, super fun and we seem to get along great. But fun fact, she's married. Her husband and she have a polyamorous relationship and everything is cool so ya know what THIS IS 30. Well, she cons me in to going out with her on a random Wednesday because her husband wants to meet me. Well, in case I was curious what my jam is right now- he solidified that it's men. I kiss BOTH OF THEM JESUS and have a blast and it's just fun. Then she's like, no chill I have to see you all the time omg you don't feel well I can come lay around with you omg. Girl, no you cannot. Then I'm just like, "I can't do this." Well my fucking God she sure did have her husband call me because of this. Y'all calm down, this lay ain't even that great SEE ABOVE FOR CHARACTER REFERENCES. I haven't heard from her since yesterday which is honestly the longest yet and I'm glad.

I did meet a new guy, so far so good. But I'm not saying anything until I ruin it, at which point I'll be back with more tales from the crypt. 🖤