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the-last-concert · 5 months ago

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Chapter Eight: Playing God

“Ms. Farewell, please have a seat.”

I just arrived at Dr. Miracle’s office. It’s been a week since Pepper had been discharged and sent home. Since then, I have been making regular visits with Dr. Miracle to get his chemotherapy treatment started.

….But it wasn’t only that.

Dr. Miracle was helping me find a great OBGYN in Hallow. I hadn’t agreed to Pepper’s last request yet. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it. Truly, I didn’t know if I wanted kids right now. But, somehow, it makes sense for him to ask me. I couldn’t shake my worry, though. We aren’t young anymore, and I’m not sure if my body could take the risk. But, I knew I would at least consider all my options. Because it was Pepper who asked me.

I sit down in his padded chair across from his desk. He is hacking away on his computer before he lowers his glasses off his face. They hung around his neck. My guess, it was easier for him to reach them that way. “I called around and found a private women’s clinic not too far from here. It’s ran by an old colleague of mine. We went to Oxford before going our separate ways.” He hands me a paper with the referral and a reference on her profile. “Her name is Dr. Sasha Thompson. And she is American.”

I brightened up a bit. Not only was she American. She was African-American, which seemed extremely rare to find in London. I looked at her profile and felt some pressure ease off me. “This is amazing. Thank you Dr. Miracle. When do you think she will be available to meet with me?”

He grins before answering. “Today. Her 3 o'clock canceled. I took the liberty to fill you in that spot.” Then he gestures politely, “That was assuming you didn’t have anything else today.”

“I don’t,” I reassured him. “Again, Thank you for this.”

He held up his hand. “No need. Dr.Thompson does amazing work. I know you will be in great hands.” His eyes go back to his computer screen and quickly scans before continuing, “As for Mr. Davis, can you bring him back here on the 20th? I’m leaving abroad soon and that seems to be the only date that’ll work out for me.”

That was at the end of the month. And it was near the holidays. I already knew Pepper was going to fight me on pushing the date back, but I couldn’t let the opportunity slip by. Dr. Miracle was amazing with Pepper. I only trusted his eyes to monitor everything going on with him during the treatment.

“Of course. I’ll make sure of it, personally.” I agreed to the appointment.

“Has he been doing alright with the medicine adjustment?” He asked, clicking away on his computer again.

“Seemingly. Most days, he’s been sleeping a lot.” I thought back to him in bed just before I left. His body was tangled in the sheets and his snoring, uncanny. I readjusted myself in the chair. “Should I be worried?”

He smiles. “Not one bit. His body is resetting. Sleep is the fastest way to achieve a lot of rest, which he needs. So no abnormalities?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Good. That’s great news.” Then he jokes, “And I know you will monitor him like a hawk.”

I snorted, slightly. “What other way is there?”

He laughs before responding, “Then it looks like we are all set.” We both get up at the same time and he shakes my hand good-bye. Before I left his office, he called back. “Make sure to check in with Nurse Marvel before you leave. I’ve never seen her so interested in my patients before until now.”

I chuckled. We always know how to leave an impression. Speedy and Pepper, especially. “I will. Enjoy your day, Dr. Miracle.”

I walk down the long whitened hallway to find the receptionist desk. It was the same lady from before. Her hair was in a top bun and she was smacking her gum while on the computer. I cleared my throat. She looked up from her glasses, extremely monotone.

“Can I help you?”

I ignored her careless attitude. I smiled the best I could. “I’m looking for Nurse Marvel.”

She looked at me and looked back at the clock. “She’s in the cafeteria around this time. You’ll find her there.” I nodded and left to follow the signs that would lead me there.

The main cafeteria was on the second floor. I had to walk up a flight of stairs. I was pretty winded before I reached the entrance. But my breath didn’t seem to find me when I saw Speedy and Nurse Marvel chatting it up on a lunch table. Speedy was sitting directly on top while Nurse Marvel laughed at something he said adjacent to his position. They seemed awfully close. She even touched his shoulder lightly as they shared conversation. Suddenly, as if he sensed my presence, Speedy looked in my direction. This-of course-made Nurse Marvel’s eyes follow. I felt like I was interrupting something.

“There she is,” Speedy said. “We've been waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me?” I questioned. “I didn’t even know you were coming here.”

Speedy hops from the table and lands in front of me with ease. He smiles cheek to cheek. “It was a surprise. I wanted to pick you up myself.” Then he kisses me. It was settling down inside. But I can't say I wasn’t distracted by knowing Nurse Marvel was watching us.

“Mal here tells me you studied art,” Nurse Marvel interjected as we broke away from the kiss. Her face was lit up like a Christmas tree. “My husband is an art director here in town. I’m sure he would love to chat with you about some pieces he plans on implementing in the upcoming show.”

I couldn’t get past what she just called him. I blinked at him. “Mal?”

He whispers as his arm hangs over my shoulder. “She’s old, Moggie. She likes her nicknames.”

“Yeah, okay,” was all I said. Then I addressed Nurse Marvel. “That’ll be great.”

“Really? I’ll call him now!” Nurse Marvel pulls out her phone from her scrubs and dials quickly. She holds up one finger, letting us know she’ll be right back.

I look at Speedy and he looks down to meet my questionable gaze. “What?”

“You guys looked comfortable,” I said.

Speedy’s laugh shook me. “Moggie. Don’t start. There is nothing going on with me and Marv. She was just keeping me company while I waited for you.”

I scoffed and had to stop myself from rolling my eyes. I knew Speedy. All too well, in fact. Nurse Marvel wasn’t too far from his type. He liked older women. Especially older women who didn’t look a day over 40. And Nurse Marvel was a looker. She had porcelain skin that shined better than the walls did. Her brunette hair was always neatly in a pulled back bun, but you can tell it had some length. Her fingernails were trimmed but manicured. And her eyes were greener and brighter than emeralds. Nurse Marvel was not an ugly woman.

I moved to sit down where they did. I sat my bag next to me to ensure he didn’t. I don’t know why I did, but I needed not to be so close to him for now. If he was near me, then I would be jealous. If he kept touching me, then I would think he was hiding how he exactly felt about Nurse Marvel. Speedy used women as distractions before. And right now, I didn’t want to be just another distraction.

“Moggie,” he called. “What are you doing?”

“Staying away from you.”

“You’re being serious right now?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

“No, but you obviously missed what I said.”

“I heard you.”

“If you did, I would be sitting exactly where your bag is.” While I had no response, Speedy huffed and moved my bag for me. “Moggie, I’m tired of fighting okay? We’ve been at it for a while. I honestly came here today to end all that. But you keep looking for things. You keep searching for a reason not to be with me…. Is that- is that what you really want?”

I turned so fast in his direction. “Of course not.”

Then he gets up, hastier than before. “Then what the hell is it, Moggie? Rule number one, remember? I’ve been honest about everything. Why can’t you do the same?”

“Because you don’t want me to go through with this, Speed. You don’t want me to have Pepper’s baby.” It came out louder than I wanted it to. Some people in close distance started looking at us. Speedy grabs my hand and pulls me out of the cafeteria into the hallway. No one was there.

Speedy turns to the wall and breathes loudly before answering, “Have you ever asked me why? No, you haven’t, have you? It’s because you aren’t just dating him. I’m going to be affected by this choice, whether you see it or not. He should’ve never given you an ultimatum like that. He was high off his ass.”

I hugged my arms close together. “Yeah, well he still asked me.”

“Oh my god. He never asked you. He told you. Like he always does. And of course, you go along with it because his word is gospel, right?”

“That’s not true.”

“You’re here, aren’t you? You've been coming up here for days, in fact. More than you needed to. The random doc calls in the middle of the night. Your mind has been made up since he said it.”

I didn’t want to keep having the same argument with him over and over. I was too exhausted. Yes, I was curious about having a baby. Yes, I had questions due to that being true. But I never told Pepper I agreed. But Speedy doesn’t care about that. The fact that I was even considering this as an option, I saw how warped it made him. We haven’t been on the same page since. For days, I’ve been trying to get him to see my side. But we either get interrupted by Pepper, or Speedy just shuts the conversation jokingly. He was wrong about a lot of things. But I wasn’t going to keep explaining myself.

“Fine, Speed. My mind has been made up. And I’m sorry this bothers you so much. But what I do with my body is solely my choice, alone.”

Speedy’s expression glazed over. His face is still as a statue. “Whatever, Mog. Let’s go home.”

“I can’t. I have an appointment soon with an OBGYN in town. This is the only day she would see me.”

“Then, we’re going together. I mean- there’s no point in trying to talk you outta it, right?”

Speedy walks off before I could even answer. I don’t think he even wanted me to answer. I have never been in this position with him before. And we had fights, sure, but there was always some type of turning point. Some way I could get through to him. I couldn’t. Not this time. It hurt me in a way I didn’t know it would. I felt us slipping, and I didn’t know how to pull us back.

Just as I was about to follow him out, Nurse Marvel exits the cafeteria door with a confused look on her face. She must’ve caught Speedy walking out. “What? You all are leaving already?”

I answered, apologetic. “Yes, I have another appointment to get to in an hour.”

“Well, take this.” She hands me a business card. “This is my information and I wrote my husband’s on the back. I told him you might be interested in looking at those pieces for him.”

“Actually Nurse Marvel, with Pep- I mean Phinehas recovery and chemotherapy, I might not have time to.”

“Nonsense,” she waves as she hugs me. “You will not have to deal with this on your own. Trust me, I know you’ll need a team. In the meantime, it’s important to still do the things you love. Especially now. I know Phin is a strong lad. He’ll pull through.”

Knowing it was pointless to turn her down, I settled with, “I’ll think about it.”

“Good,” Nurse Marvel nods her head to the door. “Now, off you go. You don’t want to be late with Dr. Thompson. She’s a stickler for early arrival.”

I blinked. “How did you know-” Then I put it all together. “She’s the ex, isn’t she?”

Her face turned sorrowful. “Mmm, afraid so.”

“I have so many questions now,” I said.

But she waved me off as she opened the door to the descending stairs. “Later, you really need to get going. Ring out when you’re done?”

“Okay,” I said before I jogged down the stairs to catch up with Speedy in the main lobby. He was looking at his phone. When he saw me, he said nothing and just opened up the door to walk out. I just walked through.

The car ride was worse. The air, coated with heavy tension, made me feel like I wanted to choke. I cracked my window briefly just to make sure that I was still awake. This isn’t us. We never had any issues that we couldn’t bounce back from. Not with Speedy. From age 8, we knew exactly how much we were fitted to be mates. He was like the glue off every single crafted piece I made. Since I met him, I had never questioned fate.

I won’t forget the first time I ran into him in our neighborhood. I wore pretty pigtails, braided with colorful beads. I had a helmet on. There was patting on my elbows and down to my knees. I sat on this bright pink bicycle, still learning how to balance underneath.

“Would you like some help?” A boy asked me. He held a basketball in his hands and shifted it to the right side of his hip. It was hot out. Deadly in the middle of summer. He wore orange shorts that seemed too big for him and a plain white T.

I turned from him. “I got it.”

“Are you sure? Cause I’ve been watching you for a while and you haven’t moved.”

I frowned. Too embarrassed to even rebuttal anything.He puts the ball down on the ground and comes over even closer. When he faced the front of my bike, he smiled widely. I looked down directly at his shoes. “You don’t have to help me. It’s stupid, I know. What 8-year-old doesn’t know how to ride a bike?”

“Plenty,” he said. “But you won’t be one of them for long. I’m here now.” He grabs the front end to steady the bike. “Let’s start with you putting both your feet on the pedals.”

This time, I looked at him. His freckles matched the darkened color of his hair. It was curly and wet from the humidity in the air. We locked eyes briefly before I did anything he said. I’ve never seen such kind eyes before. It freaked me out. But I was able to find it comforting. I just trusted what he said.

“Good,” He nodded in approval. “Now, I’m going to get behind you and push as you pedal.”

I was familiar with this part before. “You better not let go.”

“I won’t.” He agreed.

“Okay,” I replied.

He did exactly what he said and continued to hold the tail end of my seat until I found a rhythmic pattern under my feet. I didn’t realize I was picking up speed until he was running aside of me. He wasn’t holding the seat anymore. I lost my footing and ended up crashing right next to the pole.

“Shit! I’m sorry! Are you alright?” He asked as he moved the bike off of me. I was laughing hysterically. I was laughing so much, it made him laugh. Then we were both laughing together at the end of our street next to a pole that was slightly bent because of me.

“That was so much fun!” I answered. “Can we go again?”

“But you’re bleeding.”

I looked down to see where he meant. My knee was cut open and blood trickled down my leg. I didn’t cry. He ripped a good portion of his shirt and wrapped it around to stop the bleeding.

“Wow, you’re pretty tough.” He said to me, “My sister is one year older than you and she would’ve shit her pants just then.”

“You have a sister?” I questioned back. It’s not that I didn’t believe him. But being an only child for so long made me curious about real relatives.

“Yeah, her name is Valerie. Bit of a prissy prune, but she’s alright I guess.”

“And what’s your name?”

“Malachi. What’s yours?”

“Mahogany.”

He scrunched his nose. “That’s too long.”

“It’s only one more syllable than yours.”

“Still, you have to have a nickname.”

I shook my head no. It was just my folks at home. And they were too busy to worry about something so small. I barely had any friends at school. I never really knew what a nickname felt like. What it was like to own one.

“What about Moggie?” He said and I turned to him so fast. My helmet almost collided with his head, but he backed up in time. He shrugged and threw a rock into the street. “Or Mog. Even shorter.”

“You pick.”

“I like Moggie.”

“Me too.”

He smiled and got up to dust the dirt off his shorts. He held out a hand in front of me. “Let’s get you home, Moggie.”

I couldn’t answer. Him calling me sounded better than any music I would ever hear. I had to get stitches afterwards, but it was worth it. He ended up teaching me how to ride my bike the rest of the summer. And then when school came back around, we ended up riding our bikes together. We were so incredibly in sync back then. For the first time ever, I knew exactly how it felt to have my very own best friend.

“Moggie,” Speedy called to me as the Jeep came to a stop. “We’re here.”

“I love you,” I blurted out. His eyes widened slightly as if he was trying to see if I meant to say it. I did. Maybe not so rushed, but I really really meant it. I knew Speedy wasn’t any ordinary guy for me. The moments he went out of his way, just to make sure I was okay. He hadn’t deserved how badly I was treating him. I took a deep breath and looked at him. “I love you, Speedy. And I’m really sorry for how I’ve been acting lately. You’re right. You’ve been right…about everything. I just-I can’t lose you in this. If you don’t want me to go in there, I won’t.”

His jaw clenched. He said this so slowly, “Get out of the car, Moggie.”

I blinked away the water that swelled under my eyes. I unfastened my seatbelt so fast and slammed the car door. My heartbeat was pounding against my chest. I made it my mission to get to the clinic’s door as quickly as possible. But my arm was caught. I was spun around and jolted into Speedy’s arms. The tears poured in. I couldn’t stop myself from crying all over his trenchcoat. He pulled me away from him slowly as his larger hands cupped my face. The tears never stopped falling. He tilted my head against his and kissed me tightly. I wanted to stay right here forever. I wanted to kiss him until I couldn’t breathe again. I wanted him to never pull away from me ever again.

“My beautiful Moggie…I’m so in love with you,” he said when we released each other’s lips. We were both left a little winded. “At the end of the day- I just wanted you to have a clear head in this. I know you will be doing most of the work. But being a parent, a mom… are you really ready for that?”

“Are you?” I searched for something in his eyes. “I want you to be fully involved too, if this happens, Speed.”

He sat down on the outside bench of the clinic. And hung his head. It was a heavy topic, I know. Life changing. We would all have to adjust our lives entirely. But I knew that going in. I knew that moving to London. I couldn’t help but to feel a little bad that I was dragging Speedy along with my decisions.

“I would have to see what the doctor says,” he replied. “But you gotta give me time.”

“Okay, let’s go in together then.” I reached out my hand towards him. He chuckled like he was experiencing the same deja vu feeling I was.

When we reached the reception desk, Speed stepped in front of me. He greeted the receptionist first. It was fair. Considering I haven’t had the best track record with them. “Hi. We have an appointment with…” then he turns to me, not realizing who we came here to see.

“Dr. Thompson.” I told him.

“Right. Dr. Thompson. Is she ready for us?”

The receptionist seemed frozen. Like a deer in headlights. She looked young. Maybe early 20s. But her blue eyes could not turn away from Speedy for one second. Then she blinked rapidly and looked down at a giant calendar that had a lot of scribbles.

“Y-yes. Is this for Mahogany Farewell?”

I raised my hand. “That’s me.”

“You can go right in.” The receptionist pointed out the directions. “It’ll be the second door down the hallway to the left.”

“Thanks.”

I looked to Speedy and he nodded in that direction. “You can go first. I’ll wait here, in case you need me.”

I smiled and kissed his cheek before heading over to Dr. Thompson’s office. I hadn’t realized how much I needed his support for this. It’s scary to have someone tell you about all the wrong things your body is going through, even if it’s a professional opinion. I knocked on the door.

“Come on in.” I peeked inside and saw her. Dr. Sasha Thompson. She was standing near her gigantic whiteboard making edits. She closed the marker and smiled very graciously toward me. “Mahogany, it’s great to meet you.”

She wore brown scrubs with her hair wrapped under a brown satin scarf. Her glasses hung from her neck. Her white coat was hung neatly on the back of her chair. Her skin was flawlessly brown and not a pimple in sight. Dr. Thompson was beyond beautiful. I was so grateful that she would be my OBGYN moving forward. It couldn’t be a better fit.

“It’s great to meet you too, Dr. Thompson.”

She sat at her desk and leaned back into her seat. “I gotta say, Tom doesn't usually push patients my way. He must’ve taken a liking to you.”

I smiled slightly. “You could say that. Or maybe it was because I wore him down.”

“Ah,” she chuckled. “The persistent tactic. Spot on.”

“I can’t tell you how well this worked out for me.” I said openly. “I was nervous to get anyone else.”

She gives me the look that most Black women share. The “don’t I know it” head-tilt. She looks at her computer, quickly logs in. “Well before we get started, did you want to share any concerns with me?”

“Well, how practical would it be… to become a mother soon?”

She blinked. And then almost fell back in her chair. “You don’t waste any time, do you?”

I shrug to readjust in my seat. “I’m a straight shooter.”

Only in that sense.

“Well, Ms. Farewell, I will give you some good news. It’s possible for you to have a baby, yes. And after this appointment, you will have more certainty about how high those chances are, ” Dr.Thompson said before leaning forward on her desk and placing her hands together. “However, I’m not saying there won’t be complications either. If you were to start right now, I would have to get prenatal care for your body to be ready. We would need some details in blood work. Do you know if more spontaneous labors run in your family?”

“Well, I’m an only child,” I pointed out. “But I remember my mom saying she had me naturally.”

“Good,” she grabs a clipboard. It looked like she was filling out something. “And how old was she?”

“I’m not sure exactly- 22, maybe.”

“Early 20s is common. That’s good.” She continues to keep writing on her clipboard. “And you had no issues younger?”

“Well, not exactly. I had trouble breathing when I was younger. My mom used to smoke.”

“Ah-I see.” Her eyes don't leave her clipboard. “And do you? Smoke that is.”

“A few times in college. But now, no.”

“Okay. Do you have any substance habit?”

“No. I mean… other than the occasional beer or wine.”

“So not much of a drinker then?”

“Not really, no.”

“Okay,” she puts down the clipboard with a smile. “The possibility is growing.”

“Well…. that’s good to know.” I was relieved. Maybe all the nervousness was mostly in my head. It could’ve been the thousands of articles I read on stillbirths. Or that the birth rate for women in their 30s were more at risk for miscarriages, birth defects and difficult labors.

“Age is only part of the factor here.” She must’ve heard my thoughts. “My mother had me at 43, and then two more after that. No complications. No fuss. And we all turned out okay. But that’s why this is a crucial appointment. We need to know what your body needs to give you the best possibility.”

“Am I allowed to say how much that scares me shitless?”

Dr. Thompson nods her head firmly. “Of course. But it's scarier not to know, right?” She has me there. I’m the one who put in the effort this far to know. She gets up and holds the door open for me. “Let’s see what we got then.”

“Sure,” I followed her along.

A few moments later, we are back in Dr. Thompson’s office. She is reading over the paperwork that resulted in fertile testing. She also did some blood work. Neither bothered me. I seemed more relaxed around her than I had been all week. This was the right decision. It’s always good to know the unknown.

“Well- Miss Farewell, it looks like your eggs are promising. There’s no complications whatsoever.”

I actually sighed in relief. Not that I thought something was wrong with me, but it was just another thing to cross off. “I’m really glad. Thank you, Dr. Thompson.”

“Of course. And the blood work will be tested in a week for any STDs or any other medical conditions. That shouldn’t worry you though.”

“No, it doesn’t. I’m glad I’m covering all the bases.”

She smiled. “You know we can test him too, if you like.”

“Him?” I don’t think I understood what she was asking.

Then she says, “The potential father? Is he the one waiting outside the main lobby?”

“No. He’s not- um, it’s complicated.” I looked down and played with my rings. “I’m actually dating… two guys.”

She raised her eyebrows. It wasn’t hard judging. But I can see she had her own opinions about my polygamy agreement already. I thought back to Nurse Marvel. About Dr. Thompson being her ex. I knew I shouldn’t pry but…

“Actually, this is my first experience with polygamy. And I was wondering… how did you and Nurse Marvel make it work?”

She tensed up. I think this is the first time I see her face freeze. “You know Gloria too?”

“Yeah, my boyfriend had a nasty fall and she was his nurse,” I shook my head. “My other boyfriend.” I could see how complicated introductions were going to be already. I probably sound crazy to her.

“Gloria was…. special.” She leaned back in her chair. “I just advise precaution. When a lot of hearts are involved, it can get messy real fast.” She didn’t deflect, but she wasn’t completely transparent about Marvel either. I could see the wall there. “Anyways, what are their names?”

This time my face cracked into a smile. “Malachi and Phinehas.”

“By the way you said that, I could tell they’re a great ordeal to you.”

“Yes. They’re my whole world. We grew up together. And… we lost contact for a while. But when we saw each other again, it just seemed like….”

“Like everything fell back into place?” She questioned. She looked up at a portrait that was hanging adjacent to us. It was a picture of her and Nurse Marvel in graduation attire. “Yeah… I know the feeling.”

“I don’t mean to overstep. But I don't have someone to talk about this with. Do you mind sharing what happened between you and her?”

She gets up to close the door behind us. And she goes and takes the portrait down. She gives it to me to look at. I glanced between her and the portrait. They seemed so happy. So full of love and light. Even then, the photo captured them embracing each other as roses were wedged in between. They looked so much in love. And the fact she had this hanging in her office, I don’t think Dr.Thompson ever let it go completely.

“It would be cliche to say we wanted different things,” Dr.Thompson hugs her arms close as she paces in her office. “Gloria is a bulldog. And I know why her and Jeffrey get along so well. When she met him, they were joint at the hip from day one. Sometimes I wish we never went to the concert-“ she shook her head and laughed hysterically. “But that wouldn’t have been possible. They were going to find each other soon enough.”

“So is Jeffrey the reason for y’all not working out?”

She scoffs. “It’s not that black and white, Miss Farewell.”

“It’s Moggie. You can call me Moggie for now on.”

“Okay, Moggie. Jeffrey was willing to do whatever it took to keep Gloria happy. Even if it meant complications for him.”

“So he wasn’t thrilled,” I said.

She shrugged. “He acted like any normal heterosexual white male would toward an openly gay Black woman.”

“Enough said,” I said, jokingly. She was a threat to his ego from the moment he saw her.

“But still, Jeffrey made it clear that he didn’t want to break me and Glo up. It’s just he couldn’t see his life without her.”

“So, he married her, knowing she still loved you too?”

“Yeah,” She shook her head to hide the embarrassment. “I was even her maid of honor. Can you believe it?”

“In a way, I do. You just wanted her happiness too,” I replied.

“Yeah, but to what cost? I thought I could handle her marrying someone else. That I would be happy if she was happy too. But it wasn’t enough-,” Dr. Thompson started to look mortified. “And then it happened.”

My eyebrows mushed together. “What?”

She sighed and sat completely on her desk. Her legs crossed in front. She stared at the floor. “Well-they were having trouble getting pregnant. I knew that. But I never thought Jeffrey would have been bold enough to ask me to be-“

“A surrogate?! No fucking way!” I stood up from my seat. She gets up and goes over to her cabinet and grabs two wine glasses. A stash of Pinot Noir was tucked away. She pours into the glasses and hands me one. She took a huge gulp before pouring another one. “Please tell me Gloria wasn’t comfortable with that.”

She smiled through her half-filled glass. “Actually, she thought it was brilliantly funny. She said she always wanted a piece of me somehow.”

I could understand why Dr.Thompson had to leave now. It was more than just sharing Nurse Marvel. They couldn’t see past her being Black. Couldn’t fathom why under any circumstances, that was not the way she wanted to be portrayed. It hurt her. It still hurts her.

“I’m sorry, that’s just-,”

“Creepy? Unorthodox? Yes. She wanted her husband’s swimmers inside me.”

“I see why you had to go then.”

She lifts her glass before downing it with a heavy grunt. “It wasn’t my cup of tea. And certainly not how I wanted to start my own family. Jeffrey barely acknowledged me up until I was useful. I felt-,”

“Exposed.” I finished her sentence. The story made me feel a little exposed, myself. I couldn’t believe this is why they didn’t work out. And Nurse Marvel clearly didn’t understand how exactly Dr. Thompson felt.

“Well, anyways, that’s enough reminiscing for me.” Dr. Thompson takes our empty glasses and puts the wine bottle back into her cabinet. “Loving two people can be challenging, Moggie. And there’s a lot of murky areas that go with that. However, I see how he looks at you. You shouldn’t worry too much.”

“Got it, Dr. Thompson,” I stood up and collected my bag. “And thank you for sharing.”

“Sasha.” She beams brighter. “After hours, it’s just Sasha.”

I hear Speedy knocking on the door. When he opens with Dr. Thompson’s permission, he whispers, “Hey, you about done? I need to get Pepper if we want to make our reservations.”

“Almost.” I cling to his hand and push him inside. “Sasha. This is Malachi, but we call him Speedy. And he’s one of my boyfriends.”

He jokes before shaking her hand. “Her favorite, though.” I hit his shoulder. And he smiled back, coyly. “I hope she didn’t trouble you too much. Moggie has a real case of being nosy.”

“Hey!” I folded my arms. He just hugs me tightly as Dr. Thompson tries to gather herself from laughing so loudly.

“You know her best. But frankly, I don’t mind.” Dr. Thompson said. “It was nice to meet both of you. I hope in time, I can get to know you both better.”

“Do you hug?” I asked her. She nods and opens her arms wide. I pile in. It was strange. I hadn’t known Dr. Thompson long, but it already felt like I could talk to her about anything. Everything. At this moment, this is what I needed. I needed a girlfriend. Space between the words. A girl who is a friend. I couldn’t explain it, but Dr. Thompson sharing her experience made me feel closer to her. Like I can share anything. And being in a foreign land-filled with people who don’t look like me-it was such a relief to know I can go to someone for help.

Before we leave, I check in with the receptionist for another appointment next week. I see her sneaking glances at Speedy when I’m filling out paperwork. I giggle silently. I couldn’t blame her. I was glancing at Speedy all day too. He was fully covered up. His gigantic black trenchcoat hugged his body like a wool blanket. His joggers were cotton thin, but his green sweater was long enough not to see any prints. He styled them with Air Force 1s. Green and Black low ones. Compared to my comfortable appearance with a white hoodie and black joggers, he looked nicer. Speedy never leaves anywhere without a great appearance. He was the best dressed out of the three of us.

Our eyes met when I turned in the necessary paperwork. He always does this cute little head nod. I mimicked him. He was on the phone talking to Pepper just outside the door. We had to pick him up from his first rehearsal with the band. And this marked our first time meeting them. Then, me and Speedy had our first date. I was… anxious. It’s not like we haven’t been alone before. This week had a lot of arguments, though. Specifically because of how I handled things with Pepper’s ultimatum.

But he got through to me though.

Speedy always does.

In the car, Speedy checks my seat belt and then smirks. “So I’m guessing you’ve found your new best friend.”

I crinkled his nose. “No one can replace you, Speedster.”

He waves me off as he pulls out the clinic’s driveway. “Yeah yeah, I just hoped you talked me up good. Wait- does she know who you’re doing this for?”

I shook my head. “I just told her what she needed to know. Speed, this appointment wasn’t just for Pepper. I wanted to know what was going on with my health, as well. She actually asked me if you wanted a check-up too.”

He squints his eyes, but still looks ahead. “Isn’t it a woman’s clinic though?”

“Yeah,” I said. “But I don’t think it applies with you being my boyfriend.”

Speedy is smiling from ear to ear. “Say that again.”

I motioned him away from my face. “Watch the road, Speed.”

When we arrived at Southbank Centre, I’m blown away at how open it was. Skating park. Ferris Wheel. I was immediately taking pictures of the artwork that led to the concert hall.

Speedy, being used to my theatrics, rushed ahead of me to patiently wait before opening my door. When I walked inside, he chuckled before saying, “Your mouth's gonna hurt from staying open like that, Moggie.”

I was gawking at everything inside. The rows of seatings. The high ceilings. The colorful lights that were flickering back and forth between them on stage. My eyes found Pepper’s right away. He made a cute wave. I followed. He wore a brown wilted leather jacket with a ton of buttons. Under that, he had a plain white T. His faded jeans wrinkled as he sat down on the edge of the stage. He had one leg off and one leg propped up against him. Clean white Converse hanging off them. His beanie matched his jacket pocket with orange seams. I couldn’t see it up close, but it wasn’t my first time seeing him with those particular items. He has owned that jacket and beanie since high school.

He rested at center stage with Dandelion. The other members were off on the sides, resting near their instruments and downing water. He looked like he belonged up there. I’ve never seen him so relaxed in this setting before. It brought memories back from the concert. The one where he sang his song just for me.

Someone came on through the speakers above us. “Okay that was great, Pepper. Do you mind doing another take before we get outta here?”

I walk a little further and turn around to see the production room just a few stories above us. The boxed sound room was mostly dark, but I could see little shadow figures moving around. Then the sound producer ordered to balance out the mic levels. Pepper looked at me then smiled warmly.

“Yeah, I’m good with that.” He said into the mic before standing up with Dandelion and plugging her up to the nearest aux cord. His fingers stretched across the strings of his acoustic guitar for a sound check. I felt small chills. But I ignored them when Speedy pulled me down to sit while they finished their rehearsal. We were located near the back. It was a way to hear everything fully. And profoundly, it was a way to feel everything too. Within the few notes, Pepper’s monotonous voice reached into my soul. It was vibrating like lightning waves throughout my entire system. The song he was singing was new. I hadn’t made out the lyrics just yet, but it was the perfect linkage between voice and rhythm.

“Wonderfully made, popper!” A girl came out from the shadows and into Pepper’s arms.

My face reacted before my body could move. She looked really petite. Her short-cut pixie hair was red like her face right now. I was calibrating so many ways I could take that stage mic and hit her with it. But when I turned to Speedy, he almost fell to the floor at my daggered reaction. Then his arm reached across me to reassure me that her gesture meant nothing.

Speedy says with low volume, “That’s Lizzie. She’s one of the co-founders of Blocc PartIE. She’s from Scotland. They’re big on affection.”

I snorted softly. “Yeah, no kidding.”

“Don’t show him anything,” he whispered. “You would never hear the end of it, if he knew you were jealous.”

“Jealous??” I was shocked by the assumption. I tried to state this as calmly as I could, hoping he couldn’t tell the rage I just swallowed down. “I’m not jealous. It just was…. surprising, that’s all.”

“Yeah, might wanna tell your face that, then.” Speedy commented, bringing me back to my own awareness. I sighed and forced out a smile. I was hoping by the time it was done, it would actually feel real enough.

“Lizzie, I like to introduce you to someone,” Pepper called, removing her out of his arms. He shouted covering half his mouth. “Moggie, get your ass up here.”

Speedy and me side-glanced before I moved closer to the stage. With one hop, I was face to face with Lizzie. I smiled widely. “How'd you do?”

Lizzie was still annoyingly close to Pepper. But she exchanged glances between me and him. That was until Pepper walked up and kissed me full-on. He grabbed me so fast, and then backed up saying, “I’ve missed the fuck outta you.”

“Pepper,” I said, shaking off my own heated feelings.

He wrapped his arm around my waist. “Everyone, this is Moggie. Our girlfriend. Moggie, this is everyone.” There were a lot of small hellos all around. Except for Lizzie. She was trying so hard not to seem surprised.

“Oh?” She finally said. “Is she the one y’all both snogging?”

Pepper glared at Lizzie. “This is the woman we’re madly in love with. Yes.”

“Nice to meet all of you,” I simply said. I didn’t need to address Lizzie’s pettiness. Clearly, she liked Pepper. And clearly, she was mad he wasn’t available.

“Zap, it’s a bit weird isn’t it?” Lizzie called to the drummer who was twirling his drumsticks. His green locs hung low. Dark skin and a flawless smile. His teeth showed slightly when I looked his way. “How does that work exactly? Not like you can split her down the middle.”

“Like I need to explain my shit to you, Izzy,” Pepper smirked as he hung his arm just below my hip. “Aren’t you screwing half of London?”

My eyes widened as the whole band began rolling from Pepper’s obvious jab. Lizzie’s tomato face made me feel a lot better. “Aren’t you cute? Naur. I just like to have options.”

I had to refrain my eyes from rolling. But when Pepper and I shared the same thought, I laughed a little out loud.

“Iz just is dedicated to pleasing her fans,” Zap explains while tapping on the drums. “More than us.”

She shook her head, bowing out. “I don’t have to take this. Rehearsal is done, I’m out.” She grabs her bag and glares at everyone. “Be ready to go Friday. We will meet up then.”

“Yes Warden,” Zap salutes before Lizzie flips him off as she leaves. Zap walks over to us and waves in front of his face. “Don’t worry about Iz there. She’s always like that.”

“More now since Pepper joined,” another member called. His blond hair hung low, covering his eyes. He had piercings almost everywhere. And like Pepper, he was fully dressed with tattoos. He looked too built to be in an indie band. His arms were almost twice as big as me. He added while packing up his guitar. “I’m here for it. Someone needs to stick the middle finger to her every once in a while.”

Pepper whispers to me. “That’s Elliot.”

“The multi-talented guy who can be in his own band?” I asked. “Seriously, how do you play so many instruments?”

Elliot’s prideful smile was so big. “I get bored fast.”

“Clearly, the guy's a maniac.” Pepper jokes. “You should hear the singles he puts out. It’s insane he doesn’t have a deal yet.”

“Actually-,” Elliot cheeses, leaning back in a black folding chair. His arms were above his shoulders and were balancing on one leg. “Something’s in the works.”

“No shit?!” Zap jumped off the stage and landed gracefully. He grabs his backpack that was in the front row. “They called you in?”

“Tomorrow morning,” Elliot said.

“Congrats, man.” Pepper patted him on the back, making his balance wobbly and he folded in front of everyone. The laughter echoed throughout the hall. “My bad.”

“We should celebrate,” Zap said. “Y’all game?”

“Like I’d turn down a party.” Pepper helped Elliot up. “Mog?”

“Y’all go ahead.” I said. “I have prior engagements.”

Pepper scrunched up his face. “Come on, Mog. Just one night.”

I shook my head. “Pepper, you know I can’t go. It's Tuesday-it wouldn't be fair.” Speedy leaned on the stage and looked pleased. Like he was saying that’s my girl, without words. But Pepper’s aloof mood pissed me off.

“I’m going with them. So I guess- I don’t need the ride.” He brushed past me as he packed up Dandelion. “Y’all ready?”

I knew he was acknowledging the band, but I couldn’t help the overwhelming anger to smack him. He knew I was going out with Speedy today. Why was he being such an ass?

I tried to give him a chance. “Pepper.”

“Later, Moggie,” he said while they all made their way out the hall.

I squatted near Speedy. “Well, that was a complete waste of time.”

“Forget him,” He replied, jingling my chin. “You got to meet the band, at least. He’s sulking because he can’t show you off more.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “But I don’t feel like being his arm candy, tonight.”

“Good thing you’re not,” Speedy said. “You’re mine.”

I hopped off stage to push him. “As if.”

“Let’s go home first,” Speedy answered while swinging his arm to pull me in. “I got a great surprise for you.”

“No way. I’m not wearing this.”

After me and Speedy came home, I was greeted by a lovely dress laid out on my bed. I frowned. It was short. A little too short. And backless. Speedy leans on my door. He just showered and was drying his hair with a towel. I smelled his manly Dove soap before he showed his face.

“Yes, you are. Along with the jewelry on your dresser.” He pointed at my dresser and I saw the expensive blue box in the corner.

I groaned. “Okay, but no heels.”

Speedy smirks and throws his towel at me. It was the one around his waist. I had to ignore how naked he was. “Like I’d fight you on that. I value my life here.”

“Whatever. Get out so I can change.” I stuck my tongue at him and threw his towel back. He caught it mid-air.

“Don’t overthink this, Mog. I know you. We still need to make time if we wanna eat. You’ll look great, I promise.” He kissed my cheek and smacked my ass. I almost got him back, but he slammed the door on me.

A few moments later, I’m staring at my reflection in the life-sized mirror. I did look great. I can’t remember the last time I even dressed up. The plum backless dress hugged every curve of my body. It was definitely oozing sex appeal. He was not settle. I thought my Michael Kors thigh boots would go perfectly with the dress. And the jewelry took my breath away. It was coated ambers across my neckline and the earrings to match.

Speedy whistled before coming up behind me. He grabbed my body so tightly and swung me around. I smelled his cologne first. It was mild but sweet. He looked amazing too. He was wearing a plum silk shirt with white suspenders. With black trousers and black leather Jordans. He tugged at my chin gently before he kissed me.

“What’d I say? I knew you would look sexy as hell. Almost don’t want to leave now.”

I grinned into the mirror and kissed his hand. “Now who’s pressed on time?”

“Keep looking at me like that….” His hands trails over my exposed skin. I felt his breath drop down my back. “I might say fuck it.”

“No. Get off. Cause you've been raving about this place since we got here.” I smacked his hand and as he backed up in surrender, I grabbed my clutch and coat. “Let’s go.”

We barely made it to our table. But we valet the Jeep. It was a super trendy Italian restaurant in London called Legacy. The line was wrapped around the block. I’m glad I didn’t wear heels. We walked past a lot of judgy faces as we moved to the front. He said this is the place his mom met his father. A well middle-class stock broker who was very English as they come. I was honored. Speedy doesn’t like to talk about the past often, but him sharing this felt special.

“Your chair, my lady,” He offered after the waiter guided us to our reserved table. It was perfectly private. Lights dimmed and away from the normal chaos of the restaurant.

I sat down. “Okay, how much?”

“Of course, that’s the first question you ask,” He took off his coat and draped it on the back, folded. “Don’t worry about it.”

I scrunch my nose. “Speed.”

“Moggie.” His fiery eyes pierced me. “I’m not saying.”

“Fine.” I looked around. Most of the interior was brick covered walls, complemented with small contemporary artworks capturing Italy. The table was traditional modern with white table cloths and fancy silverwave, mirroring each other. The napkin was folded into a complicated dove. “It is lovely, though.”

“Yeah, I was afraid we wouldn’t get in. Their reservations are like a month in advance.”

I blinked. “How’d you work around that? Actually, nevermind.” His smile said it all. I changed the subject. “Can you tell me their story again?”

Speedy laughs and takes my hands from across the table. “You’ve heard it so many times, though.”

I grinned as he stroked his fingers back and forth against mine. “But we are here now. So I have to hear it again.”

“Okay,” Speedy grabs the bottle of Chardonnay the waiter brought over. He pours us both a drink. “Picture the worst weather imaginable. This was before this place got popular. Victoria came in here to dry off from the rain.”

“Is that when he saw how gorgeous she was?” I interjected.

“You gonna let me tell it or what? ” Speedy said. I sealed my lips as a gesture. I really wanted to hear him explain their first meeting. He takes his sip and looks off into the distance. “Daniel was just here on his lunch break finishing up some files when she said-”

“Sir, could I trouble you for a pager? I seemed to have soaked mine,” I said with my best “Victoria” impression. I thought he’d be mad if I stopped the story, but he just laughed with his entire belly.

“Okay, maybe slow down on the drinks. You sounded way too accurate for me.” Speedy grabs my glass closer to him now. I shrugged. I don’t know why he seemed concerned. I only had two. Wait- maybe it was three? Either way, my insides were matching the temperature of my flushed cheeks now.

“He didn’t hesitate after he saw her dripping wet right in front of him.” Speedy continued the story again. “He just handed his phone to her immediately and watched her walk away with it. When she reappeared, he offered to pay for her cab home. But she refused. Big surprise there. He knew she was a college student. He knew because his best mate was one of her professors. Daniel realized this was not the first time they saw each other, but the second.”

“He thought it was the universe giving him a second chance at love.”

Speedy agreed. “Yes. Daniel wanted to win Victoria’s heart. And this restaurant started a month-long battle of them finally going on a date.”

“A date that was also here?” I asked, but of course I knew the answer.

“Yes.” Speedy replied. “He didn’t care that she wasn’t his age. Seems like Vickie’s charisma got the better of him.”

“Doesn’t she affect everyone?” I pointed out. When people meet Victoria, they will never forget who she is. She had a way of impacting someone’s life without trying. Her light was full. Her love was bountiful. And for me, she never made me feel like I didn’t belong. In a way, she was like a second mom to me.

Speedy pointed a breadstick at me before chewing half of it. “Good point. But something gets me everytime with that story.”

“What’s that?”

“If they had such an amazing start….what happened? Why didn’t he go with her after she got pregnant?”

His face looked conflicted. I know Speedy not knowing his father took a toll on his childhood. But my dad kind of stepped in for him. He was able to teach Speedy things Victoria couldn’t. I guess that’s how me and Speedy remained inseparable, back then.

My hand stroked the edge of his cheek. “Knowing Vickie, I’m sure he didn’t tell him.”

“Even still,” He said, amber eyes bursting toward me. “I would’ve looked for you. No questions asked.”

“He could’ve had doubts about their love, too.” I explained. It’s easier when it's just you and your person. But sometimes, the outside world of that bubble can be so cruel. And with the great age difference, I’m sure Victoria wasn’t the only one who was receiving unnecessary influence.

Speedy shook his head against my hand. “It’s crazy, you know? A lot of people say they want love. But as soon as they see other people happy, they’re all in their shit. World would be a lot simpler if people just minded theirs.”

I broke off a breadstick and soaked it in butter. “You’re not wrong.”

Speedy laughed again, seeing me carb load. “Sorry, didn’t mean for the mood to have a dark turn.”

“It didn’t. You know I always love hearing about Vickie and Daniel. And that you’re the result of their love.”

He clicked his teeth and sank deeper in his chair. “You make that sound so poetic, Moggie.”

I batted my eyelids wide towards him. “Well, it’s true isn’t it?”

The scoffed sound meant he disagreed. “But hearing you say it, makes me sound like I’m some miracle.”

“Well, aren’t you?” I looked up and saw him frozen, I think I stunned him. He started to fidget in his seat and remove his suspenders. They hung off the side of his trousers. He rested his arm on the table as he tapped his fingers rapidly. I reached my hand out to relax him. “You are a miracle, Speed….…At least to me.”

“Thanks Moggie, and I love you for that. But… I just don’t feel like one.”

He turned to watch the commotion in the background. I could understand why he would say this. A lot has happened to his family. A lot he couldn’t control, but somehow still held all the guilt. It was there. Behind those gleaming eyes, I saw someone who just wanted to reverse time. Back when his mom held two loving kids in her arms.

I took this time to watch him. Speedy’s features were definitely distinctive. His hair coiled in front twists as the back was tapered. His face was hairless. A little subtle for a mustache, but that was it. His jawline was full. And his cheekbones were round and covered in freckles, just like Victoria’s. The scar below his eye, Pepper gave him. When they used bark swords to fight at age 11. That mark was more of a reminder when life was simple. Calmer. I ended up using it as a beacon for our past experiences. Speedy-in the moment- was pissed Pepper was so careless. And even though he didn’t flinch, they didn’t talk to each other for about a week or so. Not until Pepper bought him his first console system. They ended up playing Madden for the entire summer after that.

“I actually visited Vickie a few years back,” I confessed. I went home for break to help Monica with a big client for her gallery. He was a New York native. And famous for mostly street scenes and mind blowing murals. I ran into Vickie and her boyfriend, Steven, at the show. Afterwards, we all ended up having them and a few other of Monica’s elite friends for wine and chatting. Speed turned as an eyebrow raised. I just continued, still loading on breadsticks. “She seems very happy with Steven.”

“Steven… yeah,” He smirked. I know him and Steven got along. But it was nothing deeper than hi’s and goodbyes. He was Valerie’s dad. Not his. Plus- Speedy has a hard shell for people who flake often. “Only after what happened, he decided to stick around more.”

“Is that why you left? For California?”

“Well, Vickie practically kicked me out the door.”

“Come on, I know that’s not true.”

“Okay, you got me.” Speedy’s smile tugged on my heart strings. “She did want me to stay locally. But, she made me promise to look after him.”

I almost dropped my breadstick. “Seriously?”

He shrugged. “After Valerie’s death, she said “God ain’t taken anyone else away from us.” She felt safer knowing we would be together.’”

“I had no idea.”

“Because no one wanted you to know. You had to live your dream in New York. She knew you would’ve stayed.”

“Damn,” I sank into my chair. Vickie was right. If I would’ve known how bad Pepper needed me, I would’ve stayed. Forgot everything about New York. I would’ve followed him instead. I can’t believe Vickie knew that about me. I didn’t even tell her how I felt about him. How could I? I didn’t know until a few weeks ago how strongly I felt towards… both of them. “Can’t really hide anything from her, huh?”

Speedy chuckled before his eyes rested on mine. “You know exactly why that is.”

I did know. Vickie was witty as they came. Her eyes and ears on everything. And I loved her so much for that. I was going to respond with something cheesy, until the waiter reappeared, almost fatigued. He had staff and a few bungees near me. Full of food. My eyes widened at the sight before I turned to Speedy. He just nodded to the waiter and they started setting up a spread. He pulled his wallet from his coat and gave the waiter a huge tip. The waiter bowed and he and the rest of the staff were gone.

“Speedy-”

I stopped myself. I didn’t want to seem like I was complaining. As expensive as everything looked, I knew he put a lot of effort into this. Now, I knew why he picked up those extra shifts at Black Faerie. And he just nodded for me to dig in first. I did. Oh, I was planning to stuff my entire face. After all, I’m on a date with my best friend. I didn’t need to care about how much food was on my plate. He knew I liked to eat well. I started with the fettuccine, dripping with tomato sauce and basil. Between bites, I kept catching glances of him. He wasn’t eating. Then his hand reached up and wiped sauce from the corner of my mouth. I dropped my fork onto my plate. He looks at tomato residue on his finger, and then licks it before putting it all into his mouth. I chewed on my lip. As sexy as that was, I couldn’t stare too much. Not if we wanted to leave this restaurant intact.

“Maroon.”

A chill went down my spine. It was the code word he picked specifically for us. He said it so low and almost breathless. I thought he called my name.

I didn’t want to look up from my plate. I really didn’t. But his leg grazed mine and now, he had me hooked on his bidding. He seemed all too relaxed. I knew he was watching me eat the whole time. I knew he wanted me to look at him while I did. His head was tilted slightly as he rested his elbow on the table. His fingers slid across his lips as he bit down on the sides. It was a major turn-on. One of my favorites. I felt embedded in his mood, somehow. Whatever came next, I just hoped I wasn’t too full to carry out what he was craving this very moment.

He gets up, impatiently. And my eyes followed him as he pulled me out of my seat. My mouth is still full of fettuccine so I don't question him. I didn’t even have time to. Before I knew it, Speedy led me down this secluded spot that seemed like an open archway between the restaurant and a grand dancehall. It was dark, but I could see the windows splattered in rain droplets across the foyer. The moonlight seemed like our only source of distinct lighting. He stopped walking. I almost ran into him.

“Give me your undies, Moggie,” he ordered. His shadowy figure stood strong in front of me. His hand held out for me to drop them there. I was too much in his trance to have not realized sooner.

I felt myself in the dress to check. “I’m not wearing any.”

His smile was the brightest thing for me to see. “Now, you should’ve told me that sooner.” He rushes me and backs me into the nearest window. He hoisted me up as his hands went under my dress and into my pussy.

“Shit, shit. You’re too deep,” I tried my best not to scream. He didn't stop though, his fingers kept pushing in and out of me as his tongue latched on my neck. I moaned vigorously. It was almost on his command. I couldn’t stop myself from sounds racing through my lips as he licked his. He kissed me and we melted simultaneously. His fingers released me and he cleaned off all my juices with his tongue.

He whispered in my ear, “Want to know why I picked maroon?” When I just nod, he continues, his hand spiraling my curls. “It’s the deepest color to red. Which is all I see… when you’re around me.”

Moggie, I just saw red.

I blinked. Pepper said that to me before. But when he meant it, it was like an active volcano waiting to burst. This…. This was different. What Speedy meant was… passion. We held some type of high level heat that formed every time we sensed each other. The way his eyes held me, his body caressed now, I could hardly breathe. It was walking out into the night in the middle of the hottest heatwave. I could never cool down enough. My insides were shaking with all the sweet electric shock he started.

I grabbed his silk shirt and twisted it as I kissed him so fully. Our tongues collided again and again as he felt up every inch of me. It felt like our most never ending game. Who could hold out the longest? We both lost.

“You’re driving me crazy,” Speedy starts unbuckling his pants with one hand, balancing me. “You’re still on birth control right?”

I just nod again. Words were escaping me. It’s not like he gave me time to answer him, anyways. He set me on the ledge between the window and him. I watched his pants drop down. Speedy’s dick was in full view of me now. My eyes were so wide that I couldn’t hear him calling my name. He jerked it forward with his hand before he grabbed me again. His dick seeped further into my pussy. My walls swelled with him, pulling in and out of me. It was a hellish rush. We were too exposed. His hands rested on each side of the window as he pounded me in place.

He grunts near my ear. I fight the urge not to bite him. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t want to have to explain his marks later. He thrusts inside me and I mimic his motion as my legs wrapped around his lower half.

Again…. We were clearly out in the open. Anyone could walk by. But it’s not like we cared. We were reckless with each other in a different way. When we got together, the world ceased to exist. It was better that way. My mind was cleared and I only needed him. I only focused on him. He was like my favorite dish I could consume a million times over. I knew I was safe with him. That’s why I didn’t mind such oblivious exposure.

A staff worker did walk by. But by that time, Speedy and I were done. His hand still rested against the windowsill as I looked up at him. He smiles down, caressing my face. To anyone else, we looked like an affectionate couple just standing there. But we knew. We knew exactly what happened a few moments ago. If they came any sooner, they would’ve gotten a show. I don’t think he would’ve stopped if we were caught, either. I don’t know why, but it turned me on even more…. Knowing that.

I motioned my finger to pull him closer. He leaned down as I whispered, “Can we go?”

Speedy smirks before he whispers close to my ear. “Thought you’d never ask.”

The Jeep had to be so foggy by now. We could not wait until we got home. After Speedy paid the bill and boxed up the whole restaurant’s menu, it wasn’t long until he was between my legs again. This time I was riding him. Another one of my favorites. My dress was completely off. His silk shirt along with it too. Sweat collided between the both of us. But I kept going. And he didn’t slow me down. His lips sucked one of my breasts as his hand squeezed the other. I never had to worry about where he would touch me. He found all my spots pretty easily. We adjusted to each other so quickly.

“Fuck- Mahog…. Damn.” Speedy came and I followed too. We collapsed and he held me a little longer. “You might be the death of me.”

“So?” I teased. I slid off him and got back into the passenger’s seating. After we were dressed, I thought I should joke with him a little more. “Maroon?”

He laughs and holds up the empty box of condoms before throwing them in the back seat. “Sadly, that was my last. You gotta wait until we get home.”

I clicked my teeth, but I hadn’t realized how much we went through them. I was on birth control still, but it wasn’t going to be for much longer. I couldn’t risk too much with Speedy. Not with other circumstances rising. He reached for my seatbelt to check the security before pulling off into the darkened street ahead.

When we reached the flat, it was awfully quiet. I looked at the time on the clock above the fireplace. It was past midnight. Pepper wasn’t home yet. I almost texted him but refrained when I remembered how much of an ass he was to me. I did always let him go off too easily. Maybe it was out of pity. But I know, with the night I had, no way would I be the one to check on him now.

“Coffee?” Speedy chimed into my ear. I was sitting in the living room with the fireplace lit. He held a small white dainty cup with a black saucer below it.

“Thanks,” I smiled, taking it from his hands.

He sits next to me and reaches his arm over the shoulder of the couch. He pulls me in closer. My leg found a nice resting place on top of his. He throws a blanket over them.

“So, should I know what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours?”

I look up from the cup and into his eyes. They held a strong gaze. Enough to break down any resistance I had felt. I sighed. I guess I should’ve known hiding anything from Speedy was never going to work.

“This isn’t strange for you? Sharing me?”

He chuckles. “I never looked at it like that. I fully trust that you’re capable of making me just as happy.” I look at him and his eyes twinkle for a moment. My heart fluttered and I quickly looked down again. Staring into the abyss of dark liquid that jolted my nerves. He continues, “It’s strange… when I saw you at the concert, it’s like my heart wanted to burst out my chest. I never had anything that intense before. And I handled it so weirdly. Pepper just told me how he felt about you, the night before. I wanted to be selfish, but I know you too well. You'd feel lost …. if you dated just me.”

I sat there, almost frozen. I didn’t expect him to say all that. “Speedy…”

“I’m not offended by that, don’t worry,” He kissed the temple of my forehead. “In fact-It makes me feel better, knowing you’re the only one who affects me this much. I need you, Moggie. But… I know so does he.”

I smiled as he met my lips with a light peck. Speedy was always so understanding. It was refreshingly beautiful. No one could argue with the fact we belonged together. We just fit each other so well.

But…. so do me and Pepper.

Even though we are polar opposites in every sense, his heart still beats with mine. Same rhythmic tune. In a way, they both reflect me. One without the other, I would feel lost. I’m glad to know that isn’t the case. That I have them both right now.

Speedy yawned and stretched his legs out from under me. “I should turn in. I have an early shift tomorrow for inventory.”

“Okay,” I said. “Sleep tight.”

He takes my cup as he gets up. “Don’t wait for him too long, okay?”

“I won’t.” I wrapped the blanket around me like part of my security. Speedy did know me. Too well.

“Speedy?” I called him before he reached the end of the hallway. He turned around and I smiled. “Thank you for the date.”

He smiled back as he waves. “Please. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. Goodnight, beautiful Moggie.”

“Goodnight, sweet Speedster.”

I stirred in my sleep. I fell asleep on the couch. The sound of the door clicking open and close woke me up. I turned the lamp on near me to see Pepper almost jump outta his skin.

“Jesus, Mog. What the hell you doing?”

“Why were you out so late?” I asked him. I got up from the couch and walked towards him. I noticed he wasn’t in the best state. He smelled like alcohol…. Everywhere. And he had scratches on his face. I touch them lightly and he turns his head against me. “Please tell me you didn’t get into another bar fight.”

“Fine, I won’t,” His eyes peered down. I forgot I didn’t change from the date. He frowns. “That’s a very short dress.”

“Don’t change the subject, Pepper.”

He pushes past me and stumbles to toss his jacket and beanie on the couch. “What do you want from me, Mog? Shouldn’t you be enjoying the rest of your night with him?”

He couldn’t be serious. I can’t believe he actually sounds jealous. Speedy isn’t some random guy. He’s our family.

“No,” I said, blocking him. “I’m exactly where I need to be. And jealousy isn’t a good look on you.”

He scoffs. “I ain’t jealous.”

“Oh really? So why are you so mad about my date with Speedy? Why are you acting like it’s not in the list of agreements we all made?” He stumbles off into the kitchen and leaves me standing here. I follow him. He looks in the fridge, searching for food. When he finds the leftovers from the restaurant, he starts putting out the dishes. He makes a plate and throws it into the microwave. I lean on the counter. “Pepper, I’m trying really hard not to be pissed at you.”

He licks his fingers from the sauce. “That sounds like a personal problem.”

“Personal prob-? You know what, it is too late. You are clearly drunk and clearly want to start shit.” I decided to leave him in his mess. I nudged my head to his food. “Enjoy our leftovers.”

Pepper scowled. “I will.”

I made it back to my room and slammed my door. Hard. He really knew how to get under my skin. And what makes it worse is that I know he’s deflecting… something. Whether it’s against me or not. I stare at the dark void of my ceiling. We had a rule about sleeping arrangements. We all slept on our own. Each of us claimed a different room in the flat. There were plenty to choose from. Past the kitchen and dining area, there was a hallway with a golden arch, leading into the bedrooms. There were a total of four rooms. And two baths. Speedy chose his room closer to the archway. It was on the right side. The last door before the bathroom at the end. Pepper chose the master bedroom. The one with the private bathroom inside. He was on the left side of the hallway. The last door on that end. My room was set in the middle across from the study room. It wasn’t intentional to be in between them, but it was fitting. For our relationship.

I stared at the digital clock on my dresser. It was pushing 3 a.m. I was left so unsettled and confused. And I didn’t want to be alone right now. I threw my covers off and grabbed my robe. I tipped down the hallway trying to be so quiet. I didn’t knock on Speedy’s door. I just cracked it open to peek inside first. He was sound asleep. His body, diagonally touching on the bed. His legs stretched out. He was only in his boxers. A golden chain laid flat on his neck, unmovable. And tube socks. His feet get cold often. I remember because we had that in common.

As I entered the room and closed the door behind me, he stirred a little bit. Then I heard light snores from his mouth. He must’ve been really tired. Speedy is a light sleeper. I’m surprised he hasn’t woken up by now. I told myself that I would watch him sleep a little longer, then head back to my own bed. But… I wanted to get a closer view. I was still near his door. I moved so cautiously to his bedside. He looked so cute with him cuddling a few pillows against him. I chuckled because I didn’t know his legs were tangled in between them. He is the super affectionate one. It would make sense why he needed a placement there. It just made me want to move them out of the way and replace them with my own body… instead.

“How long are you gonna stand there?”

I gasped. His eyes were still closed so I couldn’t tell if it was sleep talking or did he really know I was here. He stretches before knocking the extra pillows off the bed. He looks into my eyes, supporting his head in his hand.

“Sorry- I wasn’t trying to…. I can leave,” I stumbled out.

He shook his head. “Something is bothering you. I'd rather you tell me than losing sleep over it.”

“But I…” I didn’t feel like talking. I just wanted to feel his body next to mine. This time I needed the physical touch. I needed to be close to him. “I’m okay. Really. Go back to sleep.”

“Moggie… are you really about to leave?” Speedy asked. He stopped me from opening the door by placing his hand on it. I whimpered softly. He spun me around and caught a few tears against his fingers. “No. You’re staying with me tonight.”

“But the rules-,”

“Fuck the rules. I’m not going to leave you crying like this. He got to you…didn’t he?” Speedy asked. It didn’t matter to confirm that. He knew it was true. He sighed and held out his hand in front of me. “Come to bed, Moggie.”

I sniffed and took it. “Okay.”

His body felt amazingly warm. I was under his neck as his head was propped against mine. His lengthy arms wrapped around me, charging up this toasty cocoon. Our legs intertwined with each other… it felt right. He drifted off to sleep right away and I smiled against his skin. I loved hearing his breathing, the air going out and in. It meant that this was all real. I wasn’t imagining him. He molded with my body and there was no way I could move now.

When I woke up, Speedy was nowhere to be found. It was morning, so I’m sure he left for work. I felt the empty space between me and the silk sheets on his bed. There was a knock on his door. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Maybe I had imagined it. There was a knock three times. My heart had fallen into my ass, knowing who it was.

“Moggie,” Pepper said on the other side of the door. “Can I come in…. please?” His tone was calm and mellow. I threw on Speedy’s old college sweatshirt and pulled up my socks. I made my way to the door and placed my hand there.

“Why?” I asked through the door.

I hear him sinking down to the ground. His head rested on the door with a small thud.“I’m sorry… Mogs. You ….didn’t deserve that.”

Tears swelled around my eyes. “No. I didn’t.” I sat against the door too.

“I wanna make it right. Let me try?”

“I don’t know, Pepper. You really hurt me.”

“I know… I know. Shit- I’m sorry. My head was spinning with-no, it doesn’t matter. Moggie, just… please let me in,” his voice cracked. I heard him scurrying to his feet and jingling the door handle. I unlocked it and swung the door towards me. There he stood. Still not in the best state. His eyes were still red and his face kind of puffy. Had he been crying? No, I couldn’t go there. My ground had to remain firm. But… It was hard. He was the man I loved.

Am in love.

So effortlessly …. So deep.

And he was just in front. Standing here, with no shirt and exposed tattoos resting on each muscle. He had on black Calvin Klein briefs. Nothing else.

I folded my arms. “What the hell Pepper?”

He shifted his eyes slightly toward me as he explained, “Moggie. I just …. I don’t know. My head hasn’t been in the best of spaces. Seeing you with Speedy is triggering me, somehow.”

I exhaled and looked up to his watery eyes. “Why is it? I thought you were okay with me dating him too.”

He shook his head. “No, I am. I told you from the beginning, I wasn’t trying to make you choose. In fact, since my sickness…. I didn’t want you to. I figured that if I was gone, you would at least-“

“I’m not letting you finish that sentence, you hear me?” I interrupted him. “I want you to be around for as long as I am.”

“I know that.”

“Then, what aren’t you saying?”

Pepper reaches for me and I let him. He pulls me into this impulsive hug. Like he needed me to feel him. My hands stretched across his back and I felt him relax even more.

“I do feel jealous. But not in the way you think.” Pepper paused to rub his temple. This had been something eating away at him for a while. Whatever it was…. He had been lashing out to run from it. “…..Speedy is healthy. He will be able to give you far more time than I can.”

I’m yelling now. “What did I say, Pepper?! You won’t talk this way around me.”

“But-“

“Enough.” My tears soaked his chest. I pound on him with my fists. “You will get better. And you already have me.”

“Alright, alright… Mog. Please stop crying. That’s the last thing I wanted to make you do…” Pepper lifts my chin to look at me. I couldn’t help myself, so I ended up kissing him. His lips tasted very minty. He must’ve brushed his teeth before seeing me. Feeling cautious that I haven’t, I pulled away. But he doesn’t let me for long. We’re right back into kissing away everything. He lifts me up and carries me to my bedroom. He doesn’t bother closing the door. His hands go up Speedy’s sweatshirt to squeeze my breasts, and I’m cautious again. Was I really going to do this? Was I ready to go all in for him?

Fuck yes.

“Don’t wrap it,” I said.

He paused from kissing me. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” I said. “No more pills.”

His eyes beamed. “Then?”

I nodded. “Yes. I’ll agree to what you want. I will have your baby.”

#the last concert #pepper #moggie #speedy #lgbtq #love story #paramore #playing god #Spotify

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