#oh and of course it would have to have built in support for. ah. third-party peripheral devices

[dragons-whored]

so, I'm learning gamedev, right? ideas for games floating around in my head all the time and now that I[m properly medicated I can actually learn how to code and it's been great so far.

but I just realized something. if I get good at making games, I can make the things I've always wished I could play but that don't exist yet.

this leads me to the following: a first-person cockpit view mech combat game (a niche that's already tragically small) that's never outright pornographic or directly textually sexual but has the exact same violence-horny undertones of mechposting tumblr robotfuckers. different mech builds could have different AI cores with their own voice lines and personality quirks, and building reputation with them (by using tactics and weapons best suited to them, or doing other things that a given core just really likes, such as reckless behavior, airborne or melee kills, or firing fully charged slow-charging weapons) changes their dialogue to be more affectionate, protective, or violent. the embark/disembark cutscenes for getting in and out of your mech at the start and end of a mission would be unnecessarily drawn out and technical as machinery locks in around you, tubes slot into ports in your suit, etc.

perhaps there would be other NPCs, like a mechanic who installs your upgrades and a handler who guides you on missions, but the main focus would be on the bond between pilot and mech. is this just because I find intricately rendered machinery and distorted robotic voices hot? yes, yes it is.

idk, probably not gonna happen because it would be a huge undertaking, I've just barely learned how to code the movement system for a metroidvania let alone a first person shooter, I have no 3d art experience whatsoever, all that jazz. but it's fun to think about

[brooklynislandgirl]

the elk: elk provide underlying support and stability amidst life’s many changes…who was there to act as your muse’s elk? 

Jurassic Asks || - {{ @morgansmornings and @tangleweave for reasons™}}

When the party is over ~a few guests, something more civilised than the kind of ragers that might be thought of when the word is dropped in casual company~ Beth doesn't abandon Tony with a wink and a smile. If there's anything he can count on these days is that she'll be there every step of the way, offering her tranquillity and her hands to whatever he might need. She's in the midst of gathering the stemware she'll put in the kitchen and wash by hand when Tony murmurs her name to get her attention and then asks her maybe the most pointed question she's heard in the last week. The first thing that comes to mind is maybe Tony's had a talk with Senior. Perhaps Catherine is haunting his waking hours with some overbearing expectation. Maybe...Gibbs. That is a thing unto itself, able to tear Tony down because he has almost no armour against the man. She knows all of those feelings intimately, though she's never really had contact with her great-aunt, and for that she is grateful. The face she makes has no bearing on Tony doing a little emotional digging. She has no secrets from the man and the trust they've built up was dearly earned rather than demanded. And there's every possibility that her answer will help him wrestle with his own inner self. The source is just how brittle she is about all of the answers she could give, and like all omens, hers comes in three. "Oh. Uh." Not the most eloquent opening statement after she tucks a lock of hair away from her eyes. "Okay. Bit of a heavy question so mebbe we sit. Get comfy." Stalling, Kid. One voice whispers into her thoughts and it brings a faint ghost of a smile as she processes it then sits on the edge of the couch. Her fingers steeple before she taps them against her chin. "You know Panda---ah---Andy...was always dere for me when we were little. He was da one who kiss my skinned knee, one who let me help him wi' his homework, who showed me da way da world worked despite what it might cost him. He was da shield between me an' da Admiral. I dunno dat I'd even be here, wi'out him." Of course any time she talks about her life, Andy stands there like some mythic hero. Impossibly perfect, forever beloved. She often says that he and her brother would have gotten on, that they had much in common from their easy smile to their artistic passions. It is entirely her highest comment to give any man. Beth doesn't ever seem to remember Andy's flaws. "Aftah gettin' me settle in New York, Andy shipped off for training, an' dat is when I met Jay. I call her my hanai-sistah which means an adopted family member, so I guess she's ya hanai-cousin?" A little sound that could be a laugh brought into the world as a sigh. "Year younger than me but so smart, so pretty, so snarky. Woman's tongue's sharp as razor blades. We met at Columbia an' she was da one who cracked me out of my shell. Hard t' believe but I was incredibly sheltered back den. An' we been inseparable since. I owe her a lot an' I hope she knows dat no maddah where life takes us, I will always be in her corner an' I not only cover up a murder but I'd show up before hand wi' shovels and hydroflouric acid or piranha solution."

The next one is almost to hard to talk about. There's a part of Beth that wants to bury him deep in the darkest of her recesses, hoarded beyond gold and jewels and the whisper of power. Another part of her wants to lay her head in her cousin's lap and weep for the loss that still feels new and dolorous. Beth's first and most poignant what-if, her most painful never-was.

"Third one was…probably firs' time my heart evah broke. Mebbe most intelligent man I evah knew, one who taught me so much. Not jus' about da human body an' da ways to heal it but…what it felt like t' have someone really believe in me. Someone who listen an' respected my thoughts. Treated me like an equal an' not some burden thrust on them. He was also da first time I evah realised I could feel desire like everyone else, an' I loved him to da ends of da eart'."

Her eyes glisten with dampness which she refuses to shed. It won't help the hollow ache inside her and she can't bear looking so weak. That and she doesn't mention that Stephen was older than her and maybe hints at a different kind of psychology. But honestly? He belongs to her and no one else.

She wears a smile she's spent a lifetime constructing. "And now? Now I have you, an' before ya try and brush dat off, let me tell you dat ya duty not-widstandin'…you nevah abandon me, you nevah make me feel alone, an' I count every star dat I'm lucky t' have you in my life. Because trut' of da maddah is, I love you an' I'm glad we're in each oddah's life."

[electricbluebutterflies]

Kabby and 17 ;) xx

This has been in my drafts for like six years but felt like the time to get it done. Obvs modern AU, PG-ish, also on ao3.

meeting at a party whilst drunk au

So the good thing about sorta crashing a friend’s company’sopen-house thing is there’s an open bar.

Abby is in the weird space of not sure if the open-endedinvite actually applied to her, but there are way more people here than sheexpected and she’s not as much of a social creature as she thinks she is. Buton the other hand, there is food. Good food, she will point out, becauseCallie was at least semi involved in planning this thing and that woman knowswhere to spend money, and all buffet-style and spread out in different placesso passers-by (read: Abby) can help themselves without guilt.

And there is an open bar. And Abby is fifteen years too oldto take advantage of it. But she does not want to be here, she’s bored,and she hasn’t managed to find the person she came here to support. And it ismuch easier to have all of those problems if the adorable little bartender isjust happy her drink preferences are simple.

Abby is on her third Black Russian, heavy on the coffeeelement, when she sees a nice little distraction coming towards her. For once, ofthe pretty human variety and not another plate of fancy finger food, althoughif she could get her hands on an entire platter of those pastries that werelike crab Rangoon but not, that would be the best thing ever and-

Distracted, and not exactly in control of her behavior, shetakes half a step forward and the other half of her drink ends up on the prettyperson’s shirt. Well, now she gets to talk to him! Yay!

“Excuse me,” pretty man hisses. His voice is distinctive,and she has a brief memory of him yelling at her someplace else but… now is notthe time to play how likely is it that she tried to fight this guy at somebody’swedding, or ran over his foot with a shopping cart at the supermarket, orpointed out he was an asshole at some town council meeting, or…

Actually it was that last issue, Abby figures out. She can’tremember his name for the life of her right now, but asshole here – that willhave to do, despite the fact that she now wants to screw him in a supply closetwithin the next twenty minutes – had some really questionable opinions aboutnoise ordinances last year and she is still pissed. Ah well. He is scruffierthan she remembered, and way too overdressed for this thing, and she can getover how much of a jerk he is. Maybe.

“You’re in my way,” she counters, even though he isn’t, butit’s a good excuse to put her free hand on her hip and hope that somehowemphasizes her cleavage.

“And you just did… this.” Asshole motions to the front ofhis shirt – Abby is not sure what color that is, it’s gray but it isn’t,sorta a sage green in there too, weird color but somehow it works on this guy –which is now not its original color.

“At least liquor comes out. Could’ve been red wine.” And don’ttempt me, she wants to add. Never mind that she hates red wine – it would be aworthy sacrifice to permanently wreck what looks like an absurdly expensivedress shirt. Now, how to wreck a black suit while she’s at it…

“Are you alright?”

She scans the room. Still no sign of Callie, because ofcourse it’s impossible to find a pocket-sized woman who doesn’t ever wear somuch as a pair of statement earrings in a room this size and this crowded. And nosign of anyone else she can recognize either. Time to have a little fun.

“Does any of this-“ she motions down her body, she wants himto look, this dress fits a little too well and she wants someone to get her outof it- “look like I’m alright?”

“You’re barely upright in heels…”

“You ever tried to walk in heels? Sobriety does not make iteasier.”

“If you’re that determined to self-destruct, I’m sure thereare better venues.”

Oh, so now asshole thinks she’s too trashy for this event. Ifshe knew the potential audience would be on her side, this would be the bit whereshe’d start yelling, but she does not trust herself not to jump all the way fromproper indoor voice to stadium volume right now so…

“And I am sure,” she hisses, “that there are also betterplaces for you to be a jerk. And people here who actually deserve it!”

He rolls his eyes and sighs, honest to god sighs like a manher age and built like he played a sport in college – probably some pretentioussport like rowing, maaaaaybe baseball, honestly she doesn’t have the patiencefor sports so she’s not trying to guess – should not be able to do while alsobecoming more hot at the same time. This is unfair.

“Do you have a ride home?”

Abby hisses. Yes, she has been drinking. But she’s not ahazard to herself yet. Just to other people, apparently.

“I have a friend who is running this thing and who I can’tfucking find because she doesn’t answer her fucking phone even when she is nottrying to coordinate this many things that could go wrong.”

He takes a step back, expression now changing to shock. “Youknow Callie?”

“Yeah. Best friends since sixth grade. I punched somebody todefend her honor and thirty years later…”

And then it clicks, another place she’s seen this guy before– well, seen is a little bit of a stretch, not in person but in a bad-qualitypicture on someone’s phone. This belligerent asshole, if she remembers right,was one of Callie’s more recent flings. And if Abby remembers right, this onedidn’t end well. She can’t remember ever hearing a name there, but-

“You have a lot of nerve,” she mutters.

“Excuse me?” That man does not know how to make those twowords sound like a question.

“You screwed her over.”

“I did what?!”

“I think the exact wording was your breakup involved enoughice to sink the titanic?”

“Not a breakup if it was never a thing.”

“So casual sex doesn’t count as a thing?”

“Not if it’s emotionless.”

“Yeah, she mentioned you didn’t have those.”

“Excuse me?”

“You keep using those words and I do not think you know whatthey mean,” which is totally a line from some movie but Abby can’t be botheredto remember. “The only reason I haven’t tried to hit you is because you did nothave that beard when you ghosted her and I do not think a bruise would showwell enough and-“

“And I’m not sure you could reach,” he mutters. Why are menlike this.

“Do not tempt me.”

“Is there anyone else you know here?”

“Not that I’ve seen yet. And I am perfectly capable of-“

“And I do not care.”

Fine.

So much for her ideas.

As much of a gorgeous bad idea as this one is… he’s notworth it.

(Later, when she gets home – safely, she will point out, shedoes not try to drive in this state – she goes through Callie’s social media profiles,finds the guy through a comment, and spends the remains of her Saturday nightinvestigating the entire online presence of one Marcus Kane, lawyer and aspiringlocal politician and all-around cactus.)

(Later – six weeks later – she tries to attack him during anothertown council meeting, this time with better information, and a new andexhausting phase of both of their lives begins.)

[cloveroctobers]

ROBERT “BOBBY” MCKENZIE —

IG info/bio : @/returnofdamckenzie | 426k followers | @/mclitgs2 is my forever boo🤟🏽😍 while @/cardib is my WIFE! She just doesn’t know it yet ❤️ support my work & be part of my family: @/bobbymckcares

24 (25) years young

Born in Dundee, raised in Glasgow, Scotland

Jamaican father named Badrick who is a African studies professor

Caucasian/Scottish mother named Catriona who used to be a au pair but now works as a receptionist in senior living — one eye is honey hazel and the other a dark brown

It was difficult growing up in a school that didn’t accept Bobby being biracial, it resulted in bullying to the point where he needed to switch schools (A lawsuit was also in place) The next school was slightly better but Bobby slowly learned to accept himself as it was not something he could control and not something he would want to in the first place. He was proud of where he came from and never thought he was better or less than anyone else, that wasn’t how he was raised

He’s an only child, his parents thought about adopting (and fostering) but with Bobby they had their hands full and he was just enough for them

His family is very family-oriented so he would never have to feel lonely since they gave him a lot of attention, slightly making him spoiled but he was also around his cousins & spending time with them as well

He’s extremely close to his younger cousin (only by a few months) Femi who he views as his sister. They’ve been through a lot together and are always there for each other so it only makes sense

Most likely an active kid always up to some sort of shenanigans whether it’s by himself or with his group of friends, “why would you do that Bobby?” “Don’t ask why but ask, why not!?”

Definitely suffered some broken bones, concussions, & sprain injuries but would never show signs of pain...guys got a high pain tolerance that’s for sure

Fan of films/series “stand by me” & “the goonies” & “scooby doo” since he feels they relate to his life??

Hospital caterer and loves making those feel better with food that he’s created. If he can’t put a smile on patients face with words then he feels like he can show them with food

Food is an art to him. He went to school for culinary & it’s very important for him to show how much it is to him. He picked up the craft from of course his family, who always used food for numerous of things: to bring people together is one of them

Perfected Jerk haggis, it is now he favorite dish next to desert & breakfast!

I’m struggling to figure out what sign he maybe? He’s very playful which may come off as childish at times, which makes me think of Leo? (Maybe Gemini?) Only because they usually hold onto their childhood as best as they can, very generous, & give their energy to you but I also don’t see him being a fire sign at all? So maybe very little Leo in his chart. I also feel like he might be a bit of an empath? He knows when situations around him don’t feel right, knows how to read the room, and always wants to help others by lighting things up.

Idk but I’m feeling he’s libra sun + Gemini moon + Leo rising? Who knows

Probably lived in a 2 bed flat with his old uni mate. It was small and a bit shit but it was their shit and they made the best of it

Now lives in a stone cottage or farmhouse with MC that was built in the 1900’s & is slightly haunted. He’s decided to call them Duncan??? But he believes they’re a good spirit, maybe even a friendly ghost!? since he got comfortable with the bizarre happenings in the new flat & it doesn’t seem like they want to hurt them

Lottie offered to bring her ouija board next time she visited—Bobby declined

House is mostly neutral based but three of the rooms in the flat are covered in ridiculous patterned walls or furniture much to MC’s distaste but, “what’s yours is mine” right? No. But Gary approves!

Has two dogs: a terrier & a collie since MC wasn’t down for getting a sheep

They do have chickens to raise their own eggs tho!

Definitely the kind of significant other that will ride on the cart when they’re out grocery shopping, will make you breakfast in bed, & will send you memes while he’s at home and you’re out or even when he’s at work and you’re at home, let’s you put his arm to sleep when you’re laying on it in bed (big ass head gang!), definitely chooses the candles from bath & body works that smell like food items (majority of them suck let’s be honest)

Probably smells like cucumber, melons, lemons, and eucalyptus

Has your wedding date in his IG bio & is proud

Annoys Gary & Lottie with his food pics, “oh, Not this shit again! 😡 looks brilliant, but enough!”

Has zoom/FaceTime movie nights with Marisol & MC who stopped feeling like she was third-wheeling months ago

Talks to hope & Noah (in the background) as much as he can. Feels like they’re his inspiration for love, even tho he’s the only one married out of the villa

He values marriage just like his parents do and often has Sunday dinners with them & MC ofc

Probably has relationship guide books and only reads them out of boredom but finds fascinating facts/advice if he pays attention & tries to apply it to his relationship with mc. If it works, it works! & If it doesn’t, you can’t say he didn’t try!

Works long hours but will still come home to cook for MC or brings leftovers from the events he’s catered (most are for the hospital but occasionally he’ll do other events)

Has a separate IG for his work

When WAP dropped, he almost lost his shit. Even tried to get MC to do the challenge with him, he’s pretty bad but MC eventually learned it just for him 😜

Is thrilled that Cardi made the best decision EVER on divorcing offset, “are you thinking of leaving me now?” “... I might.” “BOBBY!” “Haha, I love you!

Absolutely loves Christmas!!! It’s his favorite holiday and he loves giving back to everyone in his life. Usually he’s working overtime for the holidays & it makes him emotional due to the stories he hears & he puts a little extra love in his food

Goes all out for Christmas. Tries to buy/make everyone something. Even if he doesn’t really care for them...he’ll at least send them a x-mas card, if they keep it or burn it it’s entirely up to them—if he knew about it he’d probably be a little sad not gonna lie...he’s a soft king

Once bought Lottie black crocs with spooky pins , “are you joking Bobby?!” He knows she secretly loved them

Uses salt and peppermint in his dark hot cocoa...

Rather make deserts for Christmas than the food, he feels like it’s his duty

King of giving the thumbs up, especially when situations have gone to shit. He’ll still shoot them up with a smile or a grimace

Always inviting someone somewhere. “Bobby, hun. You’re 4-6 hrs away and it’s 1 am.” Hope groaned after listening to his bright idea, thinking something bad happened. “Ah, you could still make it if you tried, lassie.” “I’m gonna hang up now. Good night, bonkers man.”

Needs constant reminding when to get his locs touched up & moisturized

Either has a trampoline or a funhouse jumper in his backyard (maybe both) “we’ve got the space and this is better than a pool, or almost!”

Wants children, a whole footie team! There’s no specific time frame for him, when it happens, it happens

Used to cool & wet temps & loves vacationing in Greenland. Sure the hot weather he experienced in the villa was awesome & something different than what he’s used to but you can’t take the scot out of the man. So he typically sticks to places that are similar in temps, that way he doesn’t have to change his clothing choices much

Loves a good bath. Bubble baths are better than bath bombs to him, PERIOD!

Loves bubbles so much he put too much laundry detergent in the wash (does this on purpose now) and came back home to the dogs and room covered in it. Do you think he cleaned it up before MC came home? No. He decided to have a bubble party in the room with a Caribbean playlist playing in the background

MC definitely posted about it the first time & joined him for a bit, dreading the work that came with cleaning it all up. Now whenever Bobby needs a bubble party, he knows what to do. MC preferred him to have his little bubble party in the tub but 50% of the time he chooses not to listen & they leave him to pout & clean it himself

Likes to hold hands with fingers interlocked. When it’s cold and if you’re both wearing hoodies, he’ll slide his hand inside the arm of your hoodie to help keep you warm

Canon: His version of a snack is spaghetti hoops on toast & can eat that for the rest of his life & be content

If he didn’t end up marrying MC, probably finds his significant other working as a nurse at one of the hospitals he caters to or a volunteer at a old folks home

Never had a serious relationship, very few hookups, was either always placed in the friend zone or there was one person he wanted to be serious with but they rejected him and continued loving someone else who treated them like shit—so he kinda swore off of relationships and just flirted a bunch and kept his love life non-existent

Fav ice cream? Rocky road ice cream with one scoop of cotton candy & one scoop of cookie butter blue

Doesn’t believe in measuring when it comes to culinary. He uses his eyes as his measurement, could be a bad thing, could be a good thing, that’s up to you

If he’s up at night, he’s eating something sweet. A nice glass of single malt scotch whiskey + a splash of coconut milk (🤢) with a slice of angel food cake & he’s out like a light

Absolutely loves shopping for the kitchen, finds immense joy in doing so. If you lose him in a store, one of the places you’ll most likely find him is in the kitchen decor area

Owns a bagpipe & wants to get better at it, even tho he scared the living shit out of his dogs & chickens

Wears his shades quite a bit even tho the weather is hardly sunny and mainly windy & damp

Will hold the door for strangers even if they don’t say thank you

He’s open when it comes to music. Will listen to anything but feels like the music has to be a purpose for something...Everything he does in his day to day life has to feel like a soundtrack to him since in his mind he’s daydreaming about his life being made into a movie. Who isn’t?

He thinks wentworth Miller should play him in a film and that kid from blackish should play him when he was a wee lad, Marcus Scribner

Always keeps a positive attitude because he knows what it feels like to feel low and he doesn’t want anybody else in the world to feel like that so he wants to uplift and if he can try to be someone’s happiness he’ll gladly be that— which isn’t always the right move, he learned

Listens to: Rotimi, Shaggy, Sean Paul, Skip Marley, H.E.R., Jhene Aiko, Jorja Smith, UMI, The Kooks, The Killers, Cold War kids, Milky chance, Blood Orange, The 1975, Vampire Weekend, Bad Suns, BRYSON TILLER, Kilo Kish, & Ella Eyre (although he misses her old music)

Celeb crushes? Cardi B is his mfkin celeb wife okay?! Nobody else comes above her! He also thinks FKA twigs is pretty & super talented, sevdaliza!, Tia & Tamera, Iman, and brandy from the 90s makes him swoon

Anthem = jaden, “Boys and Girls”

[nettlestonenell]

Armie Hammer wants a sequel to The Man From U.N.C.L.E.—shouldn’t you?

This post is a long time in coming, Gentle Readers and @jammeke​, but now, though it might be here, before your very eyes, to think it will be well-laid out would be a mistake. It’s set to be just about as messy as Ilya’s misplaced loyalties and murky motivations.

How dare!

I probably first watched this film well over a year ago (courtesy @jammeke​ posting things about it). I used Sling OnDemand (I think on TNT). In the ensuing viewings I also watched it in that way, but as I was sitting down for a fourth(?) viewing, it kept coming to me that I was tired of watching it with commercials I couldn’t skip, and I had a sneaking suspicion that it had been edited for time and I was missing out on scenes. [pointless aside: I was also watching the film in chunks, and never as a whole]

Where is she now? What’s the time stamp? How far along did she get? Are you shagging the hotel hostess yet?

So, I, uh, set out to buy it on DVD—without any luck! In the sense that copies I could find cost more (w/ shipping) than buying it to stream. So, I bought it to stream on Amazon. Do I regret my choice, Gentle Readers? No, no I don’t. I do regret burden of knowledge in learning that TNT was already playing the entirety of the film. That was a hard pill to swallow.

Nope, I’ve looked. That’s absolutely everything. Nothing additional lurking around here...

So here it is, as it is, @jammeke, “My Notes on The Man from U.N.C.L.E.”

Look, I don’t know what this film is. I probably can’t fully articulate its appeal. Or maybe I can--certainly after transcribing four page I’ve tried. Number One thing to know about me and fiction/films is that a top draw for me is seeing something out of the ordinary, such as beautiful locations, a historical era, delicious costumes. There are times, frankly, this can trump weak story and undefined character for me. (The best films, of course, combine all three) Certainly, The Man... delivers in the delight of the eyes. Additionally, I must confess that growing up as a person older than @reblogginhood​ but younger than Miss Fisher, so much of what was on TV was essentially reruns of this film’s iconic Look(tm). So, when I see women dressed like Gaby I am just another three-to-seven-year-old overcome with the drop dead glamour of it all.

Darling, tell me how you really feel...

Some questions I have:

·         IS Armie Hammer a hulk of a man? Everyone in this film seems to think so, yet he always tracks to me as trim (rather than hulking)

·         Why translate via captions some Russian speaking, but not all?

·         IS Napoleon’s backstory directly cribbed from USA’s White Collar?

·         DOES Gaby have a German accent?

·         Does Ilya get preternaturally attached to all the people he’s ordered to look after? Also, what is his bonding rate with kittens?

Sorry, wrong iteration. 

 ·         If Lady Villain knows the lens is wrong—if her technical understanding is that in-depth--does she really need Gaby’s dad to make the bomb?

·         How old was Gaby during the war?

·         What happens when Ilya gets a NEW puppy assigned to him? (please let this be addressed in film #2)

Hooray for:

·         That bathroom fight! *all the Burn Notice feels!

·         Gaby is her own lady, and chooses sides as necessary—not always unilateral in her support for either male character. Case in point: she sides with Ilya over the clothes, and Napoleon over the incident of the wallet.

·         That delicious (speaking as Rusty, here) Ocean’s 11-stylized action. It’s pretty, so I’m not bored with it. Sometimes a sandwiched montage gets shown, so I’m REALLY not bored. I’ve got 18 tiny moving boxes of things to look at!

·         Pinkie rings. There, you’ve told me everything I need to know about that character.

·         Solo in a beret. English has not yet found a word for the feeling it evoked in this viewer. Somewhere between ‘precious’ and ‘oh, no’.

See, there? Now you’ve felt it too.

·         Goggles! All the accessories! Dune Buggies! (I mean, that’s what I’m calling Napoleon’s chase-scene ride)

Things I adore:

·         It seems (after some research) that more than a few folks view Gaby as a third wheel, and though she’s not exactly a Princess Leia commandeering her own rescue and exuding competence and a deserved take-charge-attitude at every corner, she IS a foci for both male characters (though romantically it would seem only for one), just as Ilya is a foci for both her and Napoleon [no one seems to worry about Napoleon, though they should--film #2, anyone?]

·         Mechanic Gaby not needing a beauty makeover, or being dragged into one. She gets some nice clothes, but it’s never suggested that she’s not attractive or acceptable before putting them on, and I respect, nay, embrace it.

Oh, my heart. She’s still not as tall as them!

·         Ilya, drab pigeon Ilya, knowing fashion

·         Oh man, don’t even get me started on the power of the statement, “it doesn’t have to match”

·         You knew it was coming on this sublist: the wrestle-fight. I mean, c’mon. Poor little Gaby, locked behind the Iron Curtain, living a life of always being watched. She’s in the swankest hotel (I mean, Napoleon chose it, so we can be sure it’s swank with an E). She’s trying to celebrate her freedom, her liberation. She’s playing verboten music, she’s drinking to excess. Girl wants—and deserves—a party. And Ilya is…not built for that (that he knows of). For some fun, just imagine if she had been given Napoleon to room with instead.

                            o   I will say that this scene, and some of their other interactions have what I would call early (non-sibling) Luke and Leia energy. Ilya seems to have moments of being struck by Gaby in a way Luke is struck by Leia in the early part of the trilogy. When Leia takes charge, and Luke accepts it. When Leia does something incredible, and Luke is left open-mouthed. *no, I don’t see OT Star Wars in everything. Shut up.

·         “He fixed the glitch.”

·         Again, shout-out to the non-action action.

·         “I left my jacket in there.”

·         The whole race to rescue Gaby I am in love with beyond words. [I have noted it as “Crazy Jeep Drive with Warhead!”] Probably b/c it comes across as totally egalitarian. Both men want her rescued. They’re no longer in competition. It’s just as important to Napoleon as it is to Ilya to catch up to her. Also, it is bonkers, like some sort of X-games version of a commercial for the vehicles they’re driving. And screaming Willie Scott does not make an appearance.

         Someone says “winkle” out.

·         Look! Another note about the screen divisions and how I love it, shout-outs to the original Steve McQueen The Thomas Crown Affair (a contemporary of when this movie is meant to be set), and TV’s 24.

Things that get a great, big NOPE:

·         Jerrod Harris: you’ve been in so much streamable content in the last decade I can’t hate you, but frankly, you’re terrible here—unless you’re supposed to be giving a mannered, not-campy-enough-to-be-enjoyable performance here. Your American English puts me in the mind of Alex Hawaii 5-0′Loughlin where it feels you’re concentrating so hard on your accent that you fail to convince anyone that you’re a harried, over-worked and exasperated spy handler. Your performance is at odds with every bit of dialogue you’re given to say.

·         That awful, mishandled title that doesn’t even connect to the film until the final moments (a sequel set-up, for sure)

·         Look, you don’t introduce Hugh Grant casually mid-way through your film in a throwaway appearance. I mean, he’s HUGH GRANT we all know something’s up now.

·         This is not exactly a great big NOPE, b/c I love a flat cap, Tommy Shelby—but I feel like a less tall man with a far rounder face in a flat cap would track more as Russian to me that AH does. To me, he just looks like he’s about to go golfing.

Over par? Unacceptable!

·         Is Victoria a British-accented Italian? A British woman who married—what? Gaby’s uncle isn’t Italian!? An Italian who went to school in Britain? My head hurts. Also, is her hair meant to be unconvincingly bleached?

Other commentary:

·         Napoleon’s adult ne’er-do-well backstory is so far from being emotionally equivalent to Ilya’s childhood trauma [and his enslavement to the USSR] it seems bestial when he calls it out on multiple occasions. Badly done, Solo.

·         Gaby is the film’s key (sorry, Buffy fans). Everyone is connected to her. Yes, she could have been given a bit more on the character front, but I don’t see her as as much of a flaw in the film as some others/reviewers seem to.

·         Look, essentially (and not very nuanced-ly), Ilya is a stalker. I think the film goes a certain distance in establishing that his early behavior toward Gaby is not normal, but concurrently it does not truly call him out on it. He’s essentially viewed as an odd-duck, sure, but not a true threat to her (should she not reciprocate or tolerate his intensity toward her). I think I might be able to cite his behavior when Gaby comes on to him (that he doesn’t jump at a chance with her) that maybe he’s given a little more nuance than a straight-on stalker, and it helps that he and Napoleon never get into a pissing match over Gaby’s person, only over her new clothes. But overall the film has to walk a fine line (and the jury is still out on how successful it is, I’d say) between playing Ilya’s laser-like attention to Gaby for its humor, and calling it out for the unsettling, threatening behavior it is.

·         Honestly, it wasn’t until I engaged the Closed Captioning that I understood Napoleon was calling Ilya the ‘Red Peril’. So, that was nearly three viewings in.

·         I give the screen credits A+, on both ends. Not to mention the end credits are actually INTERESTING with lots to see and learn! (Certainly we learn more about HG in them than we do at any time during the film)

Things I would have liked:

·         More of fish-out-of-the-Iron-Curtain Gaby moments

·         A better dichotomy shown of East vs. West Berlin/Germany. There’s nothing easy either visually or otherwise to distinguish the two.

·         HC being given a more specific American accent (from an actual locality). This, for an American viewer, works better than the flat, unlocated American accent many a British actor will bust out. *Mind you, HC does a generally good job, but he fails utterly on both “Immediate” which he pronounces at least twice as “immeedeejt” [rather than imm-E-deeot] and “Nazi” as “NAHT-zee” [rather than “NOT-zee”]. And let’s not get started on that late in the film use of ‘earnt’, a word that—well, it’s just not in the American English twentieth century lexicon.

·         C’mon. You gotta tease the Hugh Grant more.

·         Solo is a blank before the war. I’ve read thoughts on the film calling out Gaby as the blank character, but they’re wrong. Solo is the blank. He’s the ‘made’ man, his identity seemingly assembled during the war and after. For example, he doesn’t go into the war a thief, nor (it would seem) a particularly educated or urbane individual. Now THAT’s a juicy backstory I’d love to learn about, perhaps in film #2--or #3? What creates a Napoleon Solo? What would he be doing if he weren’t on the government’s leash/incarcerated? Is anyone left caring about him back wherever he calls home? I mean, who doesn’t love a gender-flipped 60s-era Holly Golightly backstory? [And yes, I would love there to be an ex-wife or even a current wife mixed up in his origins as well—Guy Ritchie, call me!]

Notes I have that I’m not sure if they still make sense to me:

·         Only mom calls me Napoleon (do he say it ‘mum’?) Is he a secret Canadian?

·         Solo’s torture, 1st view recall Napoleon’s childhood? *I think this means that after watching the first time I somehow erroneously believed that during the torture Napoleon’s childhood was a topic gone over. This was wrong. HOWEVER, this would have made far more story-sense than the backstory we’re given on an easily disposeable villain.

·         “Even the average Russian agent. You’re special.” ?

·         Uncle is Baddie (*so glad I made this note to myself)

·         Ilya’s dad IS an embarrassment. I’m not sure what genius commentary I had in my mind, here. Perhaps that Ilya himself is embarrassed of him? Not just Ilya’s handler’s? [Also, aside: Napoleon totally slut-shames Ilya’s mom, which is the doublest of double standards from ‘I got myself the biggest and most ornate suite b/c I-wanted-plenty-of-space-for-my-random-seductions’ and I really wish Ilya had thrown that back in his face] *yes, of course I know that Ilya and Napoleon would not likely equate a wife/mother’s sexual exploits with that of Solo’s, but let’s be honest, this film tweaks the nose of (I won’t say reverses, it doesn’t go that far) plenty of tropes and gender expectations, and this certainly seems like a missed opportunity to call Solo on the carpet (which I hope film #2 does far more)

Things I wrote down so long ago I don’t recall what they mean:

·         CC-save

In conclusion:

What does film #2 look like? What title does it get? Will the Peter/Neil White Collar dynamic continue to grow? *note that I have no confidence a second film will ever come to pass...

In the end, all I know is, “It didn't help when American Tom Cruise, who was slated to play U.S. spy Napoleon Solo, dropped out, prompting the casting of Cavill (who had previously read for the Russian role).“ I would not have watched that film.

[masterweaverx]

I’ve decided that the main characters of "My Next Life As A Villainess” can have D&D classes! So here we go. Big thanks to 5Etools for helping me out with this!

Katarina Claes: Kalashtar Redemption Paladin. Nobody said holy warriors had to be smart!

In all seriousness, Paladins of 5E are charisma-based “Half-casters,” which means they mix melee with magic. And it’s easy enough to reflavor a lot of D&D spells as “Oh, yeah, this character just happens to know X random thing or can talk so convincingly!” (Or the character doesn’t realize they’re doing magic, which would be so Katarina.) Plus the Redemption oath just fits so well for the girl, both thematically and mechanically. Throw on Strength-based combat skills because of years of farming and sword-training... it’s pretty obvious.

As to the race choice, the Kalashtar are a third-party Eberron race that are described as being “a fusion of humans and beings from the realm of dreams.” Which hey, what else would you call somebody who remembered their past life? And from a mechanical perspective, it would give Katarina resistance to psychic damage (she’s that dense) and automatic advantage on persuasion rolls (she can say just the right thing).

Maria Campbell: Variant Human Life Cleric. A “Well Duh!” if I ever saw one.

Clerics, the traditional healers and support characters in all of roleplaying, are wisdom-based casters in 5E. I was originally considering making Maria a Light cleric but, mechanically, Life clerics are closer to Light magic as portrayed in the series so, yeah, Life.

Variant Humans are the “Pick an ability increase and get a free feat at the start of the game” race, and Maria is sorta kinda the protagonist of the old game? Her player would probably just set herself up to fill in the gaps of the other characters anyway. So yeah.

Mary Hunt: Kaladesh Elf Samurai Fighter. Look, she can be scary, alright?

Fighters can be strength-based OR dexterity-based, and Mary would have a lot of dexterity skill from all the gardening and stuff. A lot of the Fighter perks are basically “No I’m NOT giving up!” which, yeah, fits her well. Being a Samurai not only enhances that, but it gives her perks for certain wisdom traits--Mary is not an idiot by any stretch of the imagination.

Kaladesh elves synch pretty well with this build, giving both Dexterity and Wisdom boosts, but primarily I picked this particular race for the free Druid cantrip in order to represent Mary’s water magic. Still, she would be one to choose to meditate instead of falling asleep, just to keep an eye on... things.

Sophia Ascart: Detection Mark Half-Elf Divination Wizard. She likes them books.

The class side of this was easy. Intelligence-based caster? Wizard. Love of books? Wizard. Not a physical fighter? Wizard. Had a talk with her past self? Divination wizard. What can I say, Sophia is pretty good at being a wizkid.

Race, though... oh, wow. So many options. I went with a Detection Mark Half-Elf because Sophia really, really notices things and that seems to be what that particular race was built for. Plus it’s an Eberron thing, like Katarina’s race, so that’s a past life connection! Yay!

Nicol Ascart: Storm Mark Half-Elf Swashbuckler Rogue. That smile works wonders.

Com on, how couldn’t I make Nicol ‘incapacitates a crowd with a smile’ Ascart a swashbuckler? Plus Rogues are usually known for being the skill class of 5E, doing things handling things that come up in adventures beyond punching monsters. Nicol does seem the most... level-headed of the group, so he would probably be the one to handle the little details.

As for race, I’ll admit I went with the ‘Sophia’s a half-elf so Nicol’s also a half-elf!’ route. But Storm Mark Half-Elves do come with a lot of wind-based magic, which not only fits canon but also enhances what Nicol could do as a rogue. Admittedly he would have to multiclass slightly to get at most of it, but hey, Gust is a cantrip and the other spells are there for him if he ever does.

Keith Claes: Fierna Tiefling Monster Slayer Ranger. Friendly, but dangerous.

Rangers are another half-caster class, and one with many ‘summon allies’ sort of spells. Sure, they’re technically animals instead of earth elementals, but I do subscribe to the ‘reflavor is fine!’ school of thought so Keith can have his dolls come out when he casts Conjure Animals. The Monster Slayer subclass is built around countering and containing dangerous beings... like, say, Keith himself? Oh, wow, I just picked it because it looked cool. Huh.

And why is Keith a Tiefling? In another life, he was a playboy, so of COURSE he’s going to get a charisma-boost race! A resistance to fire damage makes him perfect for, ah, interrupting a certain prince’s advances. And Fierna Tieflings get spells based around convincing people of things, like Friends and Charm Person, and there’s a certain dense girl in Keith’s life that needs a little guidance.

Geordo Stuart: Gold Standard Dragonborn Draconic Sorcerer. BURN BABY BURN!

Sorcerers are one of the charisma-based casters, with the idea that they have magic IN THEIR BLOOOOOD so they can, you know, cast without needing to do all that silly Study business. Plus they get some of their subclass stuff right off the bat, and Draconic Sorcerers get extra hitpoints every level. Geordo may not use his magic often, but it’s implied that as a royal his magic is redonkulously powerful, so this? This was basically set in stone.

And why did I make the prince a dragonborn? Why, because DRAGONS ARE AWESOME. Look, I don’t make the rules. More seriously, basic dragonborn have a charisma boost, strength boost, and a breath weapon. Admittedly this would probably make Geordo look a LOT different, but what the hey.

Alan Stuart: Silver Draconblood Dragonborn Lore Bard. He knows things so you don’t have to.

Bards are the other charisma-based casters, and a lot more support-based then sorcerers. Plus they’re good musicians, which fits Alan to a T! Lore Bards lean heavily into the ‘Jack Of All Trades’ mindset, with bonus proficiencies and extra magic secrets, because there was that competitive ‘I will best you some way!’ streak early on and that did lean into ‘I’ll learn all I can’ later in his life.

As to why he’s a draconblood dragonborn instead of a standard dragonborn? Draconbloods get an intelligence boost instead of a strength boost, and also get the trait Forceful Presence instead of Damage Resistance. He might not be able to do as much damage as his twin, but Alan is really good at getting attention and using it.

Anne Shelly: Standard Human Open Hand Monk. Somebody has to clean up after these kids!

Monks excel not just in unarmed combat, but in unarmed ‘getting places nobody thinks about’ as well as ‘keeping a cool head when everything goes nuts.’ And the Open Hand Monk doubles down on that, throwing in the ability to basically say “Stop That” whenever needed. This is perfect for Anne “My Mistress Is The Source Of All Chaos” Shelly, wouldn’t you say?

And yeah, she’s a Standard Human. In 5E Standard humans don’t get any special traits, but they do get +1 to every one of their abilities. That’s a small but significant boost to all rolls and a number of stats. Don’t underestimate Anne; she may be in the background, but she’s in the background of Madness and it takes a lot to survive that.

Rafael Walt: Fallen Aasimar Great Old One Warlock. Retired Edgelord.

Warlocks are, ah, not the easiest class to play. They’ve got a lot of special mechanics about their spells, having fewer slots but easier time restoring them. But they do also get a few free invocations, and their patrons can let them spread into different specializations. Rafael knows how to use his magic to the best he can, and... well, the Great Old One patron features just fit what he can do very well.

Aasimar have charisma boosts and darkness resistance universally, but Fallen Aasimar also come with a transformation into a terrifying shadow warrior. Look, Rafael's been through a lot, I’ll grant you. He probably deserves a break. But both thematically and mechanically, this just fits.

===

So that’s that! For now, anyway! Thoughts and opinions are always welcome.

[xantchaslegacy]

MtG Month of the Ship Day 16 - Pretend Relationship

(This one's pre-Ravnica Allegiances, sometime before the fall of the Obzedat)

The ballroom was a shrine to decadence, as was the Orzhov style. Everything not gilded in gold or alabaster was black marble polished to a mirror shine. Masked thrulls crouched in the wings on every side, waiting to swoop down with trays of refreshments, cigars, or whatever other pleasure a party-goer might think to want. The sheer amount of open space in the room alone spoke volumes about the affluence of its owners, in a city where space to build was almost nonexistent.

On the whole, Tajic would have rather been back in prison. At least there they had let him keep his armor on. The formal dress tunic he wore now was all but useless in a fight, unless his enemies decided to target the Boros sigil pinned to his breast.

Aurelia had assured him the assignment wasn't a punishment, but it certainly felt like one.

Functions like this were a waste of time and resources. Members of the Boros, Azorius, and Selesnya all come together ostensibly to share expertise and build goodwill among the law-enforcing guilds of Ravnica. In reality it was all a farce built to stoke Orzhov egos while the other guilds in attendance had to grovel and look pretty.

He ought to be out on the streets, helping people.

“Tajic.”

Tajic blinked and looked down. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed one of the Orzhov approach him…

“I need your help.”

…Teysa…

“Of course.” Tajic offered his arm automatically. Teysa took it and pulled close to his side. “What is the matter?”

“I need you to be my date. For the next hour or so.” Teysa nodded up at one of the balconies, where a trio of cloaked and masked spirits stood, looking down over the party-goers. “My disgusting ancestors have been filling people’s head with the notion that I am ‘on the market,’ and I need someone on my arm if I’m going to get anything done at this party. Preferably someone not trying to get into my pants or my bank accounts.”

"It…it would be my pleasure."

"I have a date, full disclosure,” she added, as they started around the edge of the dancing area.

“I wouldn’t dream of assuming either way.”

“Not that I think you would.” She lay her hand atop his. “But It’s important to me that I always give you the truth. I owe you that much."

Tajic softened at her words. They had not parted under the best circumstances, but he'd spent most of the intervening tie worrying what the ghost council had done with her. It had been reassuring to learn that she'd been reinstated as an envoy in some capacity, but a much greater relief to see her here, and confirm her wellness in the flesh.

"You look very striking tonight, by the way." Teysa prodded his stomach with a gloved finger, and ran it across his side. "Sure you aren't wearing armor under there, legionnaire?"

Tajic raised an eyebrow. "Quite sure." The corner of his mouth twisted up into a smirk. "I would prove it, but it's a rather formal occasion."

Teysa tsked, but gave his arm a squeeze all the same. "Good call. I'm already a bit worried about my other date's attire. Don't you go giving me a reason to be concerned for impropriety as well."

“And where is this date? I’m happy to escort you, but I would think the ghost council would not approve…”

“They’ll approve of her even less.” Teysa’s hand tightened on Tajic’s. “But she’ll arrive soon. There’s a meeting with the council later tonight that…well, it can’t be put off." She looked around the ballroom. "Still…I have some time to see to a few errands before then, if the jackals my uncles have set on me will stay out of my way."

Tajic glared up at the Obzedat members, then nodded. “I'm yours. However long you need, though I wasn’t aware there were useful things to do at a function like this.”

Teysa raised an eyebrow up at Tajic, offering a smile far nicer than any of the gold in the room. “You are doing your part for your guild just by standing around; the matriarchs love seeing a handsome Boros hero in their homes. Some of the Patriarchs too, to be honest. There’s almost nothing better for getting them to donate gold to the legion. Hadn’t you noticed all the eyes on you?”

“I assumed it was suspicion. We were trying to undermine your entire guild last time we were seen together.”

“Don’t worry, those old lechers only think they’ve grown wiser with age. They think we were lovers, looking to run the Orzhov as king and queen or some nonsense My uncle at least had the sense to know I’d rule alone.” She winked at Tajic. “Better that they think we're trying to rekindle something like that than know the truth."

"The truth?"

Teysa paused, then spun and led Tajic to the dance floor. They fell into a slow waltz a bit further from the throng of ears lining the room.

"You might not see me after tonight. The Obzedat will forgive one attempt to usurp them, but not a second. Not one like this."

Tajic kept his face set, his eyes scanning the room. A few rude eyes were on them, but more because of the slow, stuttered gait of their waltz. They were dancing closer than the other pairs so that Tajic could keep an arm around her to help support her bad leg.

"What do you mean?"

"It's better that you don't know. I trust you, but the pieces of this plan are already in motion, and if it fails I'll feel better knowing there are people like you still fighting to do something that resembles the right thing."

Tajic nodded. Trust. It made sense. You trusted the soldier to your left and to your right in battle, or the formation would perish. This was just another battlefield, with different arms and armor.

And he did trust Teysa Karlov.

"Don't look so glum, legionnaire." Teysa gave him one of her courtroom smiles. "It's only death. Let's get some food."

"Of course. And your errands?"

"No time like the present."

They made a slow circuit of the ballroom, stopping to speak with Senate judges, Conclave guardians, Syndicate patriarchs, and even a few of the Legion wojeks in attendance. It all seemed like talk on the surface, but Teysa had an amazing talent for slipping business into the conversations without the other party even noticing. By the time they had completed the circuit she had secured funding for Tin street infrastructure maintenance, negotiated the re-examination of several unjustly prosecuted narcotics cases, and gotten one particularly odious patriarch to transfer an unimaginable amount of gold to third party.

“Pocket change,” Teysa muttered as they walked away. “He won’t even know it’s gone.”

All the while, they kept up a constant play of small touches. Tajic's hand gently cupping her shoulder. Teysa's thumb running along his jaw. The intertwining of their fingers between conversations. The raised eyebrows and whispers behind cupped hands must have meant it was working.

It was all much easier than Tajic had expected it would be. Worry had, somehow, given way to relaxation. The kind of tense ease one felt facing down a hydra with a trusted companion. He helped her in her dozen small battles as best he could. He laughed at the Azorius jokes, nodded along to an old loxodon hierarch's stories, and stared down the suitors whose glances at Teysa were too filled with greed or lust for her comfort.

"These idiots are easy enough to deal with, but you can't get anything done when they're swarming you."

"Baroness Karlov?"

Tajic spun about, ready to shake another hand (or crush it, as the situation called for), and instead found himself staring down a sharp-dressed imp, hovering in front of them.

"Pivlic." Teysa offered her hand, and the imp planted a crisp kiss on her knuckles. "Thank you for catering tonight. A hit as always."

The imp bowed. "Only the finest from Pivlichino's, and only the best for our revered patriarchs." The imp side-eyed the balcony with a decided lack of reverence. "Your guest has arrived, in any case. I let her know you'd find her shortly."

"Ah! Splendid!" Teysa laughed lightly, as thought the imp had told a joke. "If you would, Pivlic; have the champagne served in about, oh…" Her eyes also flicked up toward the balcony. "About an hour. Thank you."

Teysa took off with Tajic in tow, not toward the main entrance but toward a side hallway. There were fewer thrulls here, and more of the imp's staff, bringing out platters of food and drink. There among the bustling ogres, goblins and humans was a hooded figure that…somehow just didn't belong.

"That's her, thank you." Teysa let go of Tajic's arm, but kept his hand. "I will see you shortly or not at all. Wish me luck."

"Of course." Tajic flicked his eyes up at the figure. He had a momentary impression of two purple eyes looking straight into his soul, and then nothing but a shrouded face. "Do…you trust her?"

Teysa shrugged. "I make a point not to trust most of my romantic partners. But I've made an exception recently. I've found I like the difference."

"Good enough for me." Tajic pressed a small kiss to her hand. "Best of luck with your date."

Teysa smiled up at Tajic. "She is a date, but we've agreed to keep the relationship open." She lifted up her cane and tapped it against his chest. "I'd like to see more of you, if all goes well...you're quite certain there's no armor under there?"

"Certain. I'd never lie to another servant of the law."

"Hmmm, well…thank you. For this, and for...everything up to now." Teysa leaned up and kissed his cheek, just above the jaw "Go now. Make sure there are plenty of people who can account for your whereabouts in the next hour."

Tajic watched her stride off with a a strained tinge foreboding. And yet, beneath the foreboding, a feeling of hope.

. . .

"Who was the looker?"

"Tajic." Teysa took Kaya's hand and they started down the hallway to Karlov's meeting-chambers. "A friend. He helped me infiltrate Orzhova before. During the last attempt."

"Ah, I didn't realize you made a habit of taking all your lovers on dangerous field trips."

Teysa rolled her eyes at Kaya's smirk. "I didn't have time for lovers. I had many more pressing responsibilities then."

"Well I promise to give you an easy office after all this is over. Give you enough time for all the courting you need." Kaya hip-checked Teysa, and the baroness bumped up against the wall by the chamber door, laughing.

"Fine, but don't think I'll be happy with a desk job."

Kaya planted her palm against the wall by Teysa's shoulder and leaned in, showing teeth with her grin. "Now is that any way to speak to your future boss?"

"You should see how I talk to my bosses now. You will in a second, actually." Teysa eyed the door. "Are you ready?"

Kaya took Teysa's chin between her thumb and forefinger, and lay a long, soft kiss on her lips.

"Ready. Let's bust this guild wide open."

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