#oh and should go w/o saying but d*nt rebl*g

[cherryzarde]

long and very personal and very rambly... but like if u read

im usually ok about stuff like this but last night i had one of those dreams that just. sticks with you. u know? and it wasnt like sexual or anything but it left me like depressed the whole day lol.

so this isnt the first time ive had this exact dream but like im always leaning with/against some person i cant identify and feeling really comfortable and safe with my head on their chest or something. what gets me is that in the dream i usually have this moment of lucidity where i know its going to end soon so i revel in how real it feels. but then i always wake up wanting to throw up bc even though im usually ok being single maybe deep down i feel like im gonna die if i never experience that kind of softness again

and it doesn’t help that the last person i was like that with i had a suuuper bad falling out with. hes legit the reason i have anxiety so i try to push aside that era of my life as much as possible but then this shit comes up and i get reminded and hm. dont like that

so ive just been feeling off the whole day... partially because of this (not being able to stop thinking about how alone i am) and also i might have a cold... but idk im just drained. and  ALSO somehow we talked about gender in both my classes today even though neither class has to do with gender studies, and everyone in class was an idiot, and turns out even though im a woman i hate being lumped into Women as a group (which. makes me think i should do some more #gender introspection there but uh i dont have energy for that at all..)

anyway what a really long and incoherent way to say i just really need someone to hold me while i sleep