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#oh my god im a failure
bendrownedbodypillow · 9 months
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Me? Crying over a 52% Science test grade? Yes, yes, I am
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bonefall · 1 year
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Are you going to keep Goosefeather's curse? If so are you going to change anything about it? From my memory the book was... depressing.
It will probably get rolled into Pinestar's Crusade, building it up into an SE rather than just a novella. There's actually a lot going on in that specific moment, and it makes sense to go over it all at once.
So to answer your question, yes, most of Goosefeather's Curse is staying. Most of the Crusade Generation have depressing stories to tell. If the Thistle Period is defined by the fact that Thistle Law metastasized and went terminal, and if the Campaign Era was when it was newly born, then the Crusade Era was when it was first conceived.
I've been thinking about Pinestar's Crusade idly and mentioned it a few times, but here's my fragments so far;
PINESTAR'S CRUSADE (Fuses Pinestar's Choice and Goosefeather's Curse)
We start in the Crusade Era; there is now more focus on 3 major characters, though it's still built around Pinestar as the POV
Pinestar, Goosefeather, and eventually Pinepaw's apprentice Speckletail.
Pinepaw is born into the start of the Crusades, a bloody period where the Clans are invading Chelford and brutalizing cats in the hopes of appeasing StarClan. He only begins to learn the full story of what happened in Darkstar's Commandment once he begins going to Gatherings as a warrior
The truth being that Oakstar came up with this idea because he couldn't take an L
But even as an apprentice, it becomes quickly apparent to him that what they're doing is evil. They were brutalizing kittypets who aren't trained to fight back.
During his first raid as an apprentice, he allows a ginger-and-white mother and her kittens to escape
This came back years later, when that queen, Crystal, forms BloodClan in response to the Crusades.
Pineheart watches Oakstar die barely a year later to the queen he saved, using early claw extenders to cut right through him. Even if he hadn't been on his last life, it would have ended him.
But, Crystal lets Pineheart go, recognizing the Clan cat who had saved her life.
Watching his dad die along with several friends, and countless more innocent Chelford, plus being released by Crystal, is a Formative Moment.
Doestar continues the Crusades in the name of revenge for Oakstar, but now that BloodClan exists and is ARMED, the easy raids become bloodbaths.
They slowly peter out, not with a bang but with a whimper. She never announces an official end, eventually she just stops organizing them. No one gets closure, especially not Pineheart.
But the 'peace' doesn't last. Just before Heatherstar takes power from Smallstar and begins the Campaign to take the Mothermouth Moorland, ThunderClan deals with the Great Hunger
Pineheart and Goosefeather become very good friends, part of a little buddy group that also included Tawnyspots and Pheasantfeather (who will become One-eye later)
Pineheart was given his first apprentice, a rowdy little one and the niece of Doestar, Specklepaw. He's tasked with helping her fill the pawsteps of greatness she's destined to walk in.
Just like canon, Goose predicts the Great Hunger... though, he is an adult this time around because of some timeline changes.
And, like canon, it fails. They couldn't stockpile enough food to last an entire year of famine, a scorching summer and a frozen winter, they end up losing a huge stock of their food as if it was destiny.
Goosefeather was forced into a role he hates, given horrible visions of the future, and argues ferociously with Pineheart; if they hadn't tried to stockpile, they wouldn't have lost all that food to begin with.
It is in this moment, he comes to realize that every time he's fought back and used his visions like a warning, it's backfired.
So, perhaps, they are instruction.
But, meanwhile, Pineheart can't loose his apprentice or his friends. While others were hunting desperately, he was keeping cats alive through scouting for grubs, foraying into other territories, and...
Every bite of kittypet food he took for himself was a morsel in someone else's mouth. But this... this he kept quiet.
It started a "bad habit" he could never break.
Having lost the previous deputy to starvation and on her deathbed, Doestar nominates Pineheart to the position. He was shocked and upset by this, but he was the obvious choice.
Son of Oakstar, Hero of the Hunger, the cat who had kept Specklepaw alive when all the other kits and apprentices starved.
But, Pinestar took the helm to extreme controversy.
Everything Pinestar's ever done that worked was nonviolent. He's never seen battle do anything but bring harm, and the thought of leading people into war... it makes him feel sick.
But the rest of the Clan can't see what he sees. They yearn for the glory days (even though they were not glorious at all), itch to die for a cause, and leave this old, disgusting subsistence survival behind them. ThunderClan wants blood and Pinestar just wants peace.
Taking back Sunningrocks is an example of this. To avoid losing Clanmates, he proposed to Hailstar that they would have a Joust, instead.
ThunderClan's strongest against RiverClan's strongest. Adderfang vs Mudfur.
It didn't go well.
The problem with those sorts of situations is you have to abide by the deal. RiverClan took Sunningrocks for 6 months. It was humiliating for ThunderClan.
Even the cats he'd saved from the famine were furious with him
The only things that DID seem to please the Clan was when he would throw them fully into battle. Such as Goosefeather's prophecy that WindClan's herbs needed to be destroyed...
Every time a situation like that happened, where Goosefeather would phrase things as a Holy Struggle, Pinestar was thrown right back to the Crusades
Terrified eyes, screeching, cats begging for mercy, his father dead at his paws and feeling horror and relief swirling
Sitting vigil for old friends killed in these horrible fights, like Moonflower, it made him feel like how he felt the day he buried Oakstar.
And the bile rose in his throat, remembering that Oakstar was not there at his Leadership Ceremony, damned to the Dark Forest.
A thought was born, here. What does StarClan truly want? What do they expect of him? If they will send the architect of the Crusades there...
What of a cat who stayed fed on human food and fed grubs to his Clanmates? Or a leader who never knows the right thing to do?
When Mumblefoot retired and Sunfall became deputy, the Clan seemed to love him more than Pinestar. He found himself just... sitting back, and allowing Sunfall to call the shots.
It was towards the end, when Leopardfoot proposed an Honor Siring. He was from a glorious legacy, she wanted kits... and on his end, he wanted the peace that raising kittens could bring.
The warmth of human dens was calling him, but perhaps the warmth of love for children could keep him home.
UNLIKE CANON; Nothing about Tigerkit was born evil.
There was no StarClan vision of Tigerstar; Goosefeather knew full well that Thistlestar was the Leader of Prophecy.
But Pinestar would never give Thistleclaw an apprentice in time. Nor would he ever give his own little son to a cat as vicious as him.
Goosefeather never hurt anyone... but Pinestar just needed a push.
Pinestar was already anxious, unhappy, clinging to the goodness that was his little kits. Even as two of them were lost to minor illnesses, shortly after receiving their names.
It wasn't a lie. It was just half of the truth.
"Pinestar... you have a choice to make. StarClan has given me a vision of blood and war, and Tigerkit will have a role to play in it."
He DID have a vision... of Thistlestar. Not Tigerkit. But that was enough for Pinestar, his fear and trauma took the helm from there.
He'd seen his friends, his apprentice, the kits who had been born and died in his rule, all of them turn into the monsters Clan Culture demanded
Nothing he did ever seemed to work, why would THIS moment be different?
How could he prevent Tigerkit from becoming like that too?! Was StarClan telling him to KILL his son??
Pinestar's never had a vision from StarClan. He doesn't have the aptitude like a Cleric... what he has is a nightmare, of Tigerkit growing so large he crushes the whole camp under his claws
After a week of agony, Pinestar unknowingly creates a prophecy of his own,
"Can only the death of a child break fate?"
Sensing he was close to victory, Goosefeather dipped his head, not denying his question.
And it's the last straw.
And that is the climax of Pinestar's Crusade. Broken from his experiences, every turn taken for peace causing him more pain, the idea that he might have to hurt his own son plaguing his mind, he makes the choice to leave.
It wasn't hard, he'd still had that old bad habit of taking bites of kittypet food, a couple friends on the other side. But what he doesn't know is that by leaving with his life... he prevents Sunstar from acquiring his own.
Sunstar had ONE single life, StarClan was not able to give him more with the previous leader still alive. For leaving his Clan, for unknowingly preventing the transfer of power, and for dismissing the Warrior Code, Pinestar is sent to the Dark Forest after his death.
He can choose to walk there, or spend time in the mortal plane as just a spirit, but StarClan offers him no place in the cosmos.
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mellotronmkll · 25 days
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I shake a magic 8 ball and ask it when I will feel like a real musician and it says never so stop fucking worrying about it and get back to making music
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spaciebabie · 1 year
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"fuck it we ball" accidentally bounces the ball off my foot and we watch it careen in2 the nearest wall and then bounce around the gym for a bit in silence before it rolls to a standstill on the far side of the court
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marsbotz · 3 months
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btw this is what i mean by the weirdddd kinda sus dru scene. the brooding. plus a funny subtitle typo
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#like okkk its cus he got 'lied to'... which i dont think he.. technically did?#like he never said he wasnt going to return it. or it was for his job#its still TECHNICALLY what dru asked for which was to do a joint heist#also yeah there was a stupid argument plot. EURRGHHHHH.#like dudeeee u cannotttt set me up w gru and dru connecting bc of both feeling like disappointments to their parents#and then have gru be like 'wellll no wonder dad didnt love u' DUDEEEEE.#esp when in the same movie they tell us gru was blamed for his fathers death????? for being such a failure?????#like it would notttt happen. im sorry#also the fckingggg falling out hing is so stupid. like dru is incompetent and goofy but like whyyyy disown him. he didnt DO anything#except be kinda useless. ANDTHEY MAKE UP IN THE NEXT SCENE#pleaseeeeee please tru villain plot dru return to me please#dude the way the gorls r written too. i feel naught but pain#how do u go from them being kinda scared but brave against vector. to actively fighting against el macho. TO LITERALLY NOTHINGGGG W BRATT#wahhhhh im scareedddd wahhhhhh !! aiiiieee!!! DUDEEEE U LITERALLY SAVEDDD THE WORLD LAST FILM. stopppp#also they reuse the same joke w agnes shattering glass w her scream from 2. TWICE#im such a hater sorry. this movie frustrates me beyond belief#there are like 4 scnes that i rlly like. and all of them r just the minions#i think lucy is the most in character but she has like zero funny scenes compared to the one billion from 2. and her plot w the gorls is ba#also this is just personal but the idea of dru like. coopting the minions makes me soooo sad. THOSE ARE HIS FUCKING FAMILYYYYYY U MONSTERRR#btw the credits sequence rlly is the best part of the film apart from the minion scenes. reminds me of the dynamic w vector and gru. funnn#i wish it could have been. In the movie#man god sorry to literally be such a hater but oh hhhh my god. the amount of cool stuff tehy cld have done vs the NOTHING they did is crazy
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xlivr · 2 months
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im in actual distressed tears who the FUCK named these pokemon
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sendmyresignation · 9 months
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finally reading dance of days (thank you ohiolink and oberlin college <3) but my most consistent takeaway thus far. is oh my god. people who think punk is primarily ideological and not subcultural/musical. are so out of touch.
#three thought threads excuse it but okay.#first as much as dc punk was not political for much of its history (revolution summer/positive force nonwithstanding im talking oldschool)#i do think the structure of diy and creating an alternative subculture economy is more radical than. making an antireagan song lmao.#even if i think the result was a bit of a failure. the intention was significant! imagine a world where artists do not have to contort#themselves to majors and can be supported by an alternate network of payment and such. would be nice if the arbitrary ideas#of like 5 dollar shows and zero pr and not fighting for what your worth didnt infest that ideology but whateves#okay then also. what the fuck how did i not know the bad brains homophobia was that bad. anyway.#third thread. hilarious that dc punks were.. hesitant to work with positive force bc of its association with revolutionary communist party#lol lmao even. now that im sufficently deep into these tags i can say what all this made me think of which is that#oh my god mcr is a punk band. well theyre more than a punk band but they unequivically came up in punk. they are based in punk. their first#lbum is a posthardcore record without question. in the context of punk as a MUSICAL SUBGENRE mcr is under that umbrella#more than they are Most Other Things#mcr is punk in the outsider-opposition sense which was as defined as some poltics were for a lot of early bands#and shit like black flag which my chem drew on was not textually very political at all it was a subcultural thing#equal opposite force to The Establishment. charting your own path even if it meant fighting for it#obv though black parade barely qualifies as a punk record it was an evolution for them#(and a really interesting zigzag since many of its influences are 70s rock- the very thing og punk was reacting against!#but which now represented a past oldschool rocknroll (esp with glam))#anyyyway#my posts
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alwritey-aphrodite · 24 days
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Remember when I used to write regularly?? Yeah me either
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probayern · 9 months
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went on a plane, had a normal plane epiphany about my life, texted my best friend about it, subsequently realized i haven't been talking to anyone in my life like. actually. about how bad this year has been lmao
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lacomandante · 2 months
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#;ooc#(i will admit i've been somewhat anxious to be on tumblr here bc i feel like.......sort of a failure in a way)#(i feel like im not producing enough art or fics or edits or memes or gifsets and it stresses me out when its silly!)#(ive been in the sharpe fandom for 7 years now when it was mostly just me and sam so its definitely like oh god. what do i have to show for#it)#(i dont have to /prove/ i love this series by making all these things. i think abt teresa and the sharpe series every goddamn day)#(i can do things at my own pace but lord it takes too long)#(i need to go back and fix my old fics bc i want to fix characterizations- i want to post my current art#(i want to post all my gifsets currently in my drafts)#(i love seeing everyone's stuff on the dash but ive avoided a lot of tumblr so im not ignoring anyone!! just being too mean to myself tbh)#(adhd and chronic fatigue and depression make it all the more difficult but i shouldnt let that stop me)#(in the meantime i finished a mockup of one of teresa's dresses- very excited with how lovely it came out)#(i've also made significant process on my drawings of teresa's outfit lineups!! new and old designs)#(and i just started a piece yesterday that i'm really loving so far- my favorite spanish ladies all together)#(i also have some sharpe and antonia doodles that i was working on...)#(anyways. just wanted to get that off of my chest)#(and also FINALLY started working on three different fics that i've had as ideas for literal YEARS)#(they're not that far in but. PROGRESS!)#(anyways......ignore me sdfsdfgsdf)
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ciphertology · 1 year
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literally like. im not a 'waaa bad things happen to my fav character so the author hates them/cant write' kind of guy but gamzee is quite genuinely just ripped to shreds for no reason by hussie whose author notes are just totally derisive of him despite, again, gamzee arguably being LITERALLY the most important character in homestuck. we dont get his thoughts we barely get any dialogue from him after a certain point, he is constantly under the influence of one being or another, and we are supposed to just accept "oh he was bad from the start" then "uh fuck people arent hating him enough. how about i make him physically and emotionally abuse terezi off screen"
jumping off that gamzee and terezis relationship makes me grind my teeth bc its not that a smart girl cant be abused its not that i dont think gamzee can be capable of doing harm outside of mind control (via both lil cal and aranea) but that it was presented in such a way i literally cannot see it as anything but shock value that throws out what we previously knew of terezi, gamzee, and blackrom because hussie didnt expect to have to keep up with trying to make something sincere out of jokey troll culture for so long and needed to file down the surviving trolls into Mostly Human
i think a lot of. hm issues with things like above too is. i read these updates while they happened! i was caught up to homestuck the day after cascade dropped! the peak! i followed hussies social media--i *saw* what fans were doing and saying and how vitriolic they got with hussie, AND how hed push back, how much of his own comic hed change or delay to kick at certain groups
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gio-cosmo · 5 months
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I’m taking some community college courses soon and istg if someone doesn’t see the fandom related stickers on my laptop and immediately become my lifelong bff I’m dropping all classes idgaf
#LMFAOOO IM JOKING OBV#likeeee persona fans flock to me please#persona fans out in the wild pls be my friend 😕#“out in the wild’’ I say in reference to the college campus 💀 I’m cooked#my honest reaction as I register for college after years of claiming I’ll never go to college 🤯#LMAOOO#I woke up last month with the random realization that writing is my lifelong passion that I’ve been avoiding fully delving into—#out of fear of failure#so this is what we’re doing now ig!#“Gio what about coding and game development?’’#well unfortunately coding makes me enter a state of misery every time I attempt it#so I’m putting that on the back burner for now#I’m not giving up on it by any means!! but I enjoy writing so much that it seems more sensible for me to pursue that at the moment#ANYWAYS#sorry for always rambling on here 😭 lol#my laptop is actually coveredddd in persona / chainsaw man / genshin impact stickers I’m lowkey embarrassed#I also have an Ib sticker but I’ve never seen like anyone talk about Ib unfortunately 💔#Ib fans where are youuuu#is it unprofessional to have ur laptop covered in stickers am I cooked 😕 idk how college works like at all#I’m so fucked oh my god. LMFAOOO#mfw I lack basic knowledge#I’m trying my best over here fr 😞😞#I ALSO HAVE MIKU STICKERS#can’t forget the miku stickers ofcccc#I’m sure you’re all really invested and interested in what stickers I have on my laptop#I mean this is world altering info. really crazy stuff#💀#someone take the tag feature away from me at this point
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dmumt · 7 months
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train was suddenly terminated as we pulled into a station so we all had to get off and find another train towards london except all those trains are also cancelled and delayed so why don’t we all just kill ourselves
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poorlittlevampire · 9 months
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anyone wishing for a new ac game in 2024 is gonna be disappointed UR NOT GETTING A NEW ANIMAL CROSSING GAME TILL NINTENDO RELEASES THE NEXT CONSOLE SHUT UP!!!!
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widevibratobitch · 10 months
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#vent post vent post lalalala#i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms#like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun#incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise#quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol)#i dont know why im so obsessed with it now#like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc'#so WHY is it such an issue now?????#idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it#i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time#and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol#but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces#and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity)#every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up#to be fixed somewhat.#i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol#and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her#cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure#like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow.#anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check.#my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane).#god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed
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God you ever cant remember whether or not you took a medication? On the one hand you don’t wanna flood your system if you DID, but on the other you really don’t wanna fuck around and find out what happens if you didn’t.
#and its not a med I’m like ‘oh No worries I’ll just take it next time’#nah this is 1000mg of an anti epileptic that I take 2x a day#looking at the packet of tablets like ‘WERE THERE ONLY FOUR OF YOU SIX HOURS AGO???’#not to mention the stress from the theatre situation has been really screwing with my seizure activity (and other medical problems -#but heart attacks and high risk if kidney failure aren’t as exciting rip)#and BECAUSE of the stress I KNOW ive missed a couple of doses of meds over the last week#seizure threshold isn’t lowering its dropping like a guillotine#but that’s no worry - ive got my seizure alarm charged and IF I have a grand mal ive gone ahead and removed everything in my space#that could potentially cause bodily harm (I’ve sliced my face open before lol but that was coz I went throng a glass coffee table on tile)#pain meds for the migraine are finally kicking in#thank god sweet relief#I cannot believe this whole theatre situation has put my HEALTH at risk#im gonna lose my mind#its just. three. more. weeks#and even then with the stupid fucking coronation we LOSE an entire day of work!!#fuck the monarchy#for that reason alone!#(/j but eh the sentiment is still the same)#how do people remember if they’ve taken a medication???#ive only been doing this for 12 years lmao#I should buy a pill box. but then I KNOW I’ll forget to refill it#besides every pill box I’ve owned doesnt fit all the pills - not even for a single day#MAKE LARGER PILL BOXES DAMN YOUR EYES#I ought to come up with a pillbox design for ppl with a shit ton of meds - something accessible ya know?#coz I KNOW I’m not the only one who struggles with memory and cognition + takes a ton of pills throughout the day#but as it is I just look at the packaging and do my best#anyways
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