#ok and also he very much wanted the anchor and manipulated that whole situation

[dragonseeds]

there’s a horrible sickness in me that makes me want to stop and replay da:i whenever i start a different game. how am i supposed to resist the story of my own unwilling apotheosis? especially as lavellan, who doesn’t believe in the maker and who has every right to hate and mistrust the chantry but chooses to use what power they have to try save people, to fix what’s broken, no matter how afraid they are or how careful they have to be. walking side by side with the great trickster god/adversary of your people without knowing, befriending him, changing his mind about this world but ultimately not his choice. he understands what’s happening to you because it happened to him once and he gives you his castle, built over the place where he sundered the world, and paints your story there in frescos that will last long after you’re gone and after the story has been retold and reshaped so many times that the truth of who you are and what you did is lost—just as he did his own story, which was lost and perverted by war and propaganda, and he shows all of this to you knowing you’ll understand because you’ve lived through something similar, grown into something larger than yourself and your true name, and it doesn’t change anything but. he wanted you to see him just for a moment, even if he can’t tell you everything (or almost anything) and you can’t save him—because he owes it to you as a someone who is a friend, almost an equal, and because there’s no one else left who knows: a direct result of what he did to your people and which he now seeks to undo at the cost of this world.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x9 thoughts

It’s no secret that I absolutely adore Coach Beard; he’s one of my favorite characters on the show, and he’s so well-written and well-acted that somehow I tend to be both perfectly satisfied with the details we see and truly curious to understand more about the way he thinks, what’s really happening re: his professional and personal devotion to Ted, where he comes from and where he’s going. I don’t need to know his name beyond the name he wants to be called, but I want to know why we don’t have any other names for him. And I don’t need him to be a bigger focal point of every episode, but I very much needed this episode’s world-exploding reminder that every single character on this show has a rich inner life, full of joys and troubles.

“Beard After Hours” is like a movie, but one that scatters its climaxes and puts off its resolutions...because it’s not a movie. It’s episode nine of a twelve-episode season of TV. When the episode ended, I felt this almost frantic “But he needed to break up with Jane for good before the end of the episode!” feeling. I was so pulled in by the idea of being able to tell an entire story in one night, of going on an odyssey alongside a complicated hero, that watching Beard and Jane find each other in that club felt as intense as the fact that we don’t know if Ted responded to Rebecca’s voicemail and we don’t know what’s going to happen with Rebecca and Sam and we don’t know who isn’t getting married and who is having a funeral in 2x10 (I mean, I have my strong suspicions, but still!) and we don’t know if Richmond will be promoted back to the Premier League. And on and on. I didn’t mind feeling desperate for the story to resolve even though I understood after thinking about it for ten seconds that of course it couldn’t resolve yet. Or ever. Or yet.

I’m a big fan of the TL episode recaps/reviews Linda Holmes writes for NPR, and I have to quote something from this week’s directly because it so perfectly explains my feelings:

The power of the scene where Beard dances in the club isn't that it's a beautiful romantic climax. It's that it's an explanation of why he cannot seem to extricate himself from this bad relationship. What makes the worst relationships so dangerous is that they have elements that feel good that are very hard to get elsewhere. Beard knows that; he tells it to God. What's concerning isn't that Jane makes the world seem more interesting; what's concerning is she's the only thing that does. That doesn't take away from the joy of the dancing; it just tells you that even happiness is complicated.

I love Holmes’ perspective here so much, because it articulates something I was struggling to figure out: how it can feel so legitimate, like such a (temporary but nonetheless powerful) relief, for Beard to find Jane in that club and to have this moment of euphoria as his night nears an end. How it is possible to experience that relief on behalf of a character while fervently wishing it could end differently, because it’s so clear from the abusive text messages and the toxic calls and the manipulative interactions that Jane is terrible to him and they’re terrible for each other. But Beard knows this. He knows it when he hugs Higgins in the parking lot after Higgins is honest with him in a way Ted and Rebecca and Keeley have not learned how to be, and he knows it when part of his prayer includes the clear articulation that Jane isn’t the cure for what “ails me.” He’s inching closer to greater self-knowledge just as Ted is.

And the two big resolutions that really, really needed to happen did. I didn’t know I needed Paul, Baz, and Jeremy to get to wrap up their own night out on the pitch at Nelson Road, but I did. It brought actual tears to my eyes. And the other resolution was Beard showing up with the other coaches’ coffees for their meeting to watch the game film. As interesting as it would have been to see what Ted would have done if Beard hadn’t shown up, I’m so, so glad that he did. He’s got a messed-up face and some truly epic pants on, but otherwise this is just Beard showing up for work, showing up for his friends. It was incredible to realize that Beard and Ted haven’t been exaggerating when they’ve referred to his sex-and-drug proclivities in the past. The night documented in 2x9 might have been particularly scary and violent and euphoric and awful and meaningful, but this type of all-night adventure isn’t a foreign concept for this guy. In all the other episodes of this show, when we see Beard we’re seeing someone who might have been out all night, who might have spent the hours the sun was down desperately pushing himself closer to whatever edges he could find.

I don’t really want to touch upon all the allusions in this episode. They are abundant, they are well-documented, and also I haven’t even seen the movie After Hours. I enjoyed this episode for its allusive qualities and I enjoyed this episode for what it was and I feel like I have to be at peace with the fact that I’m never going to pick up on every single reference on this show and that is okay.

So, yeah, if this entry on my tumblr dot com blog seems remarkably devoid of references and allusions, it’s not because I’m not into it but because I find it too overwhelming to actually write about.

Very into the Misplaced and Discovered box at the Crown and Anchor. (That’s what Mae wrote on the Lost and Found box at the pub, right? Whatever it is, it’s so funny.)

Beard hallucinating Thierry Henry and Gary Lineker was truly upsetting and a great indicator not only of how broken things are between the Richmond coaching staff right now but also how deep Beard’s self-loathing might go. If you’d asked me before Thursday if I thought Beard loathed himself, I would say no. That deepening of knowledge alone makes 2x9 worth it.

James Tartt and his friends in the alley. Such a nightmare. I go back and forth on how much of the night was real, and part of me has decided all of it is, short of the images of Henry and Lineker. (And even that is real to the extent that it was a way of articulating what was in Beard’s head.) But watching Beard in physical danger brought on by the same abuser who had him so upset in the first place. It was a lot.

I’m so excited that Paul and Jeremy and Baz got some spotlight this episode. It was so wonderful to see them out of the pub. I love that they ended up telling the Oxford snots who they really were. They got to see Beard going to bat for them and smoothing over the situation socially, and that actually made it more possible for them to end up being truthful about themselves. Because they have nothing to be ashamed of, and they deserved the magic of that night. (And for it to end on Nelson Road. Every feeling. Oof.)

I feel like I barely have anything to say about the trouser-mending lady or the many places Beard goes or his key-dropping or the nightmarish feeling of wanting to be home and being unable to be home. It all happened and we all watched it and again, it was a lot. But I do feel incredibly moved and fascinated by the fact that Beard very obviously still hasn’t been home when he brings in the coffee. He’s had to sleep at the club for Jane- and key-related reasons in the past, and this time it’s not that he’s slept there but it still feels like a kind of homecoming he was robbed of for the entire night. Ted and Roy and Nate are there. He’s gotten their coffee orders correct. Ted is growing and evolving (he wants to learn from what’s happened, he’s insisting upon it even when the others resist) but he’s done a really perfect (almost romantic in its loveliness) thing by presumably spending his evening following a breakdown of his own speeding up the game film to 10x speed and adding Benny Hill. Ted is not OK and Beard is not OK and Nate is not OK and Roy is pretty OK but could very easily be not OK because he’s just joined a coaching staff with a whole lot of not OK. But they all showed up.

I am very into the realism of the lights being off in the club other than the coaches’ office (@talldecafcappuccino pointed this out!), and the way we’re seeing their desks from a different angle because this episode is unfocused on Ted. It really added to the mindset of being hungover and exhausted and unable to go home or even to know exactly what home should be; even this warm, familiar place feels off even as it’s a relief to be back there.

I am excited to return to our regularly scheduled programming with the full cast of characters, but I really adored this episode for what it taught us about Beard and what it illuminated about the humor, pain, and complexity of each person who inhabits this universe. Beard may not be loud about his long-standing beliefs or about the things he’s learned, but there’s a lot happening in there and I appreciated getting to spend 43 minutes with him and (in the case of the ticket he scrawls on a piece of paper so the pub guys can get into Nelson Road) the moments he sets in motion.

[bifurious-rex]

ok hi here’s some detail shots because while the whole piece is pretty baller i did a lot of detail work and want to properly appreciate it lol. also i have meta to go along with this ig. feel like it’s mostly self-explanatory but gonna talk about why i chose rex to take the place of the Father in this weird mortis redraw/revamp thing i put a stupid amount of time into. this is long as hell so the meta is under a readmore after the comparison pics.

[ID: a previously posted digital painting of Ahsoka, Rex, and Anakin mimicking the Rebels mural of the Mortis gods. the second image is the referenced mural from Rebels, for comparison. end ID.]

first off, dave filoni has literally said that he sees rex and ahsoka as the main characters of the show. 

“Each story arc in the last 12 episodes gives you an important piece of the end of the war. The clones’ perspective, Ahsoka’s perspective, and then the finale, which brings both of those two together,” Filoni said. “Because, in the end, The Clone Wars to me is about Ahsoka and Rex.”

so like...no shade to obi-wan but despite it being a lot easier to have justified his placement as the Father, i wanted to look at the actual narrative purpose of the Father in the Mortis arc, which isn’t so much as a father figure but as a mediator or someone who balances the extremes of the Son and the Daughter. obi-wan tries very hard to be a mediator, but in terms of pure practicality, mediation is essentially rex’s job. he’s a mediator between his troops and high command, ahsoka and anakin, etc. 

we see this in moments like the premiere of season 7, when anakin literally has rex keeping watch while he calls padme. he’s the mediator between fives and anakin during the end of the chip arc. he’s the mediator between his troops and krell on umbara, and we see in the final arc how anakin and obi-wan both misstep when trying to reconnect with ahsoka, while rex doesn’t have the same issue. he knows that her return was never inevitable, but he was also the one who had no opportunity to say goodbye. he knows, better than anyone, how much has changed since she left. this is a rex who has seen fives’ die and echo essentially return to the living. he is the one who is most likely to witness anakin’s downward spiral after ahsoka leaves. out of anyone, he spends the most time with him, in the most stressful situations.

in many ways, rex is the only one to really see both anakin and ahsoka, as they are. because that’s his job. rex’s role is to be an anchor, the steady support for his narrative counterparts. of course, narratively it’d be boring as fuck if he always succeeded at that. rex is frequently put in situations where it is impossible to mediate (ie umbara, fives’ death, etc.) he was created with the purpose of overthrowing the republic. the purpose dictated for him by his creators is deception, violence, etc. but he spends the entirety of the series working against that purpose. whether or not rex recognizes it, pre-order 66, he is witness to both Light and Dark both because of the chip inhibitor and because of his relation to anakin and ahsoka. 

ultimately, he is used as a pawn, but his dedication to his values and loved ones fights against that manipulation. he’s as neutral a party as you can get in the fall of the republic, and it’s not because he does nothing. he does both-- aiding the collapse of the republic and resisting it too. to me, the removal of the chip is kind of a death of his connection to the Dark side. it’s a physical tie being cut, but also it’s the end of his service as a soldier of the republic.

were this piece to be rebels-era or later, i think ahsoka and rex would maybe be switched. on one hand, ahsoka’s sabers being white is meant to be a visual embodiment of her balancing of the Force, and we see her distancing herself from the others throughout rebels and the mandalorian. she’s keeping secrets and almost falling into the flaws of the Order, probably because of her realization that anakin was vader. on the other hand, morai is still very fond of her in rebels, which is a pretty fucking strong indicator that she’s still a champion of the Daughter. 

feel like anakin is pretty straightforward so. yeah. lol. this is long as fuck so i’ll slap a readmore somewhere up there. 

[steve0discusses]

Yugio S3 Ep 26: Marik’s Low Speed Escape From the Museum

This episode is quite short and contains about two things 1.) this weird 4-way duel that has little bearing on anything except who gets to play Marik and get super cursed first and 2.) flashbacks.

I am so thankful for flashbacks, because this was mostly watching Kaiba doing his damnedest to manipulate Joey Wheeler and Yugi into not working with eachother so that way Joey would lose and go up against Marik when Joey Wheeler has already decided he was going to go up against Marik.

It was very catty. Kaiba at his cattiest. He really thought he was breaking up this friendship of two people who were once chained by the ankles to an anchor when they’re like “no, Kaiba, you don’t get it. Kaiba, this is totally unnecessary, Kaiba. Kaiba, calm down.”

To be fair to Seto Kaiba, he probably absolutely believes that this is what Yugi is going to do before their Senior Year of High School is over. Kaiba kind of lives in a Game of Thrones situation in his head when in reality...he’s in high school playing cards.

(read more under the cut)

We also get a flashback of this show desperately trying to prove to us that they had planned JoeyxMai this whole time. I’m starting to realize this is just how they write most romances on this show, by inserting flashbacks instead of actually showing any romance in the current timeline.

And by romance, I mean aggressive friendship because yes that age gap is...still there. My bro was like “I dunno if they’re even still in High School at this point. I think they wrote them out of High School without telling us” but like, until they show me directly that they have graduated, then I’m just gonna still believe they’re in high school. Except Seto who is like both 18 and 16 and a college graduate at 14 or just never graduated the 9th grade depending on who you’re talking to. Seto will be our outlier of “he’s in class but don’t ask.”

Anyway, lets go hang out with Ishizu to see what happened when Marik decided to pay her a visit at the museum. This occurred directly after she handed over her God card to Seto Kaiba.

Yes, she gave her God card to Seto Kaiba, and then, once he was out the door, decided to lock herself in a vault, just so she could spook her little brother’s cultists. This family and their weird pranks.

But here’s the thing I just realized that I can’t shake. I know it’s a kid’s show so none of this will matter, but let me go a little Ace Attorney on us here and just throw out a very quick “objection!” to the floor because...there’s some continuity issues.

+++++++++++++++BORKED TIMELINE RANT FEEL FREE TO SKIP ++++++++++

(Shocking on this show that has Seto Kaiba’s timeline, that there’d be some continuity issues, but youknow...now we have new one.)

If she JUST gave that card to Seto Kaiba, and she did not leave Japan from the time that she gave Seto the card and the time the tourney started (since this museum show I assume has been in Japan this entire time), then why is Marik here?

Marik came here on a boat in the middle of S2, he made a big fuss about it, but apparently he was already here just weeks earlier. He was already in Japan, then got back on his boat, and just sailed around in the Pacific for a spell before heading back?

Did he just come here to get these cards and then also drop off Bandit Keith???? Except...Bandit Keith was...before Ishizu showed up in the timeline of this show.

Or, and this is might be even more confusing, what if this is happening in Egypt, and it’s a completely different museum, and Ishizu just left Japan at some point to stand in a vault until her brother showed up,and then got back on a plane back to Japan just in time to crash Yugi’s date?

And here’s the thing, lets just pull out that borked timeline. The Ishtar timeline, from the perspective of the Isthars, lets do this.

1. Marik feels like going on a really exotic yachting trip with his cultist buddies and decides to check out Pegasus’ Island off the coast of America(?) While there, he unexpectedly comes across Bandit Keith, who (and this must have been really shocking to every single cultist there who is used to living underground) is violently shot out of a strange slip n’ slide mechanism, that pops him out of a cliff-face and vaults him directly into the ocean. Curious, Marik picks the weird Trash American out of the sea, and he finds out that Bandit Keith knows Yugi, but instead of invading Pegasus’ island where Yugi was currently residing, Marik decides to go allllll the way to Japan (Which is crazy because Bandit Keith did not know what part of Japan Yugi lived in. Japan is freakin huge and made up of several islands.)

2. Since Marik wanted to get to Yugi ASAP, he tosses Bandit Keith onto the coast of Domino in order to abduct Yugi on his way to soccer practice. We can assume this happened...like a few weeks later (I really am not sure how fast his party yacht moves, but like...considering we also don't know where Pegasus’ island is (Maybe like the coast between California and Mexico?????) I can never say.) At this point, Marik probably just peaced out and went to Guam to hang out 20 leagues away from where Noah was currently plotting his revenge.

3. While Yugi is recovering from 3rd degree burns form the warehouse fire, and during which time, Yugi’s doctors were also trying to figure out how the hell to get Yugi to let go of the goddamn golden puzzle that remained in his hands from the moment Yugi passed out to the moment Yugi woke up in the hospital, Ishizu lands in Japan via a plane (although the English version erroneously says she lands in America, because for a little while they wanted to pretend that this entire show takes place in the US.) She unpacks her cargo, sets up a museum exhibit, and then on the news/psychic phone call, invites Seto Kaiba over so she can give a God Card to Seto Kaiba. I assume al that happened the very evening that the museum show opened. Like maybe this happens over the course of maybe a week or so from when Marik left Japan after dropping off Bandit Keith?

4. Shortly after (within the amount of time it takes Kaiba to get the idea to do the tourney and the time to hastily throw it together (which could not have been long, this tourney is a complete disaster)) Marik crashes Ishizu’s museum in.......Japan? Japan or Egypt. Something like that. Considering he wants to go where the God Cards are, he’d probably go to the exhibit that also has the giant God Card tablet that will curse everyone that looks at it. So...probably Japan. However, there are palm trees here, and so maybe it’s Egypt? I don’t know. After that doesn’t work out, he peaces out yet again, and then gets back on his boat for the second time, and goes straight back to Guam or wherever.

5. A few days later, Ishizu crashes Yugi’s and Tea’s date. (and if she has been in Egypt spooking Marik in a vault, this means she had to get off of a plane in order to make it in time to spook this date as well on the other side of the world) She tells Yugi about the tourney because for some reason, Kaiba has invited everyone with invites but just...didn’t send an invite to Yugi for some reason although Yugi is the only reason he’s throwing this tourney. Then she shows Yugi the cursed God Card tablet and then peaces out so she can join Kaiba’s tourney and play cards peacefully while everyone else was getting attacked by cultists.

6. About a few days later into the tourney...Marik arrives in Japan and we act as if this is the first time he ever has and it’s with a MUCH better motorcycle, but we’ll get to that motorcycle later.

It’s not as bad as the Kaiba timeline--I can’t even put the Kaiba timeline in a consecutive order, but mm. This brother sister team realllly likes to travel across the entire world and back within the span of a couple of months, huh?

++++++++OK THAT’S ENOUGH ABOUT THAT TIMELINE, BACK TO THE SHOW+++++++++++

I am so weirded out that Marik doesn’t wear like anything under his cloak. Like nothing. It’s just a gross sweaty cloak and that’s it...and like I have NO idea if he has pants on, they never scroll down. I mean, I assume he has matching purple pants...or probably cargoes, but...does he? Or does he just wear that cloak over a pair of golden boxers?

Also, why is he wearing golden arm bands with a long sleeved cloak? It’s because he knows he’s gonna take that cloak off at EVERY opportunity, right? Like that’s the only reason you would bother with the arm cuffs?

And then we get the most unexpected motorcycle in history.

So like...remember how Marik was hella into Motorcycles? Remember how it was really cool hot rods that made him start towards the evil side in the first place? Think about the coolest motorcycles you know and then...admire this one

This motorcycle that moved so slowly that the cultists casually jogged behind him like it was a parade or something. Like, did he steal the motorcycle from this museum collection?

Anyway, bro let me know that apparently in the Japanese version she’s got armed guards with guns, but they were edited out. Funny thing is, bro also mentioned that since Marik can just mind control people, it makes more sense that Ishizu wouldn’t bring an armed militia with her. I gotta agree, this is the one instance where the English version actually works better.

Although that motorcycle though. Wow. It’s like out of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Marik just stuffed himself into that baby side car, making vroom vroom noises with his mouth as he glides away at a smooth 10 mph.

This is our serial murderer that killed Bakura, folks. It was this guy.

Kinda wish he kept the side car this entire time, that would have been a treat throughout S2.

Anyway, here’s a link to read all the recaps from Ep1 S1 in chrono order.

[ayearofpike]

Falling

Tom Doherty Associates, 2007 402 pages, 24 chapters ISBN 978-0-7653-5644-4 LOC: PS3566.I486 F35 2007 OCLC: 73502344 Released March 6, 2007 (per B&N)

Matt Connor has been wronged by the girl he loves. Kelly Fienman has been wronged by the suspect she’s stalking. They’re both out for vengeance, but while Matt is upfront and honest about the stunt he plans to pull, he isn’t really honest with himself about what he actually wants to get — and for her part, Kelly pretends that her need for justice is both moral and absent. When their paths inevitably cross, they’re left with several huge questions: what is right? what is good? do these things intersect? is it OK if they don’t?

(Thanksgiving and a child’s birthday were NOT conducive to A Year of Pike, gang. Let’s see if I can pick it back up here in December.)

I remembered being really happy with this book the first time I read it. Like, OK, Pike is taking it easy on the kidlit, having maybe resigned himself to the understanding that his style no longer fits with popular expectations. Plus, this came probably three years after I’d read a recent predecessor, and a solid five years after I’d BOUGHT one  — I got Alosha and The Shaktra out of the library, never read The Yanti until just now, and then I saw Falling at a bookstore sometime in 2008. I read it and I loved it: so unexpected, such power, what a shift in tone and characters, what a strong and solid cliffhanger ending — literally! Surely there exists some kind of excited blog record of me finding this, so long after I’d decided Pike wasn’t for me anymore. After spending entirely too long trawling the depths of my LiveJournal, though, I can’t find one.

And the reread? Eh. As it turned out, I didn’t actually remember very much about this book. Parts of it want to be The Silence of the Lambs (and Pike even nods to that) but it doesn’t have the same power. The rest? So much speculation and estimation left up to the reader to really understand this closed-book antagonist, who is actually quite selfish but we don’t get her perspective. She doesn’t even monologue when she has our hero at literally the end of his rope. And the powerful scene at the end? More like a trickle to a halt, made even weaker by the unnecessary intercutting to the other character’s perspective as she oversees the end of her antagonist’s life. We’ll get there. I don’t know. Maybe I was so excited to get this, and to have a book where a baby’s life and future hangs in the balance right around the same time I was raising my own baby as a new at-home parent, that I overlooked another one of Pike’s letdown endings.

I forgot to talk in the last post about the ISBN shifting to 13 digits. This started in 2007: all new books would have a code that better matched up with international book listing codes. These last two have had both an ISBN-10 and an ISBN-13, I assume because he had both of them slated prior to the change, but I’ve decided to just list the newer code for simplicity’s sake. You can do more research if you feel like it, or even convert back and forth between ISBN-10 and 13. It doesn’t really affect my blog, but it’s a change and I wanted to mention it.

So Falling. It actually could have been a pretty straightforward story, with much of the bulk of the book spent exploring the mental attitudes involved in what it takes to go beyond the law, commit some kind of horrific deed that most people couldn’t imagine. The real problem with this story is that it tries to cram too much into it, and the one crime is so vile and base that it renders our antihero’s misdeed into almost seeming unimportant. But it’s not — Matt’s actions are horrible and indefensible, especially as we don’t actually get his villain’s perspective, no matter what someone else did that was totally gross. (I am so a parent: “I don’t care what Tommy did, you are not to act that way.”)

What the hell does Matt actually do? This is where Falling is good: it keeps us in suspense for the first good quarter of the book as we try to understand his plan and how it’s going to adversely affect the girl. Because of course his object of vengeance is a girl — the one who just dumped him, actually. She didn’t “just dump him,” though; she strung him along as “the only one” while she was still in contact with her rich “ex,” who she is now married to and has an unborn child with, a child that could only have been conceived while Matt was still seeing her. And it’s not his, it can’t be his, because she never let him stick it in. So Matt is going to fake his own death by crashing a personal aircraft in the depths of the Pacific Ocean. Meanwhile, he will parachute to a waiting boat, anchored in a shallower area, and assume a new identity until he can carry out the second part of his plan: kidnap the baby, months later, after everyone has forgotten his involvement with the woman.

Kelly is one of the FBI agents assigned to the kidnapping case. She’s actually just back on the job after a tragic and devastating incident with a previous suspect that has taken out a good chunk of her GI system. And this is where Falling has problems: this second story, totally unrelated to and unnecessary for understanding Matt’s motivations, is clung to and pushed on us constantly through the whole book, even as it threatens to be a more engaging tale of horrific glee. Like, I get why Pike didn’t just write this one (out of concerns of being accused of ripping off Thomas Harris) but this is really TWO suspense stories, and he hasn’t properly fleshed out the tale of Kelly and the Sex Murderin’ English Teacher.

Because that’s what’s happened: three-four months before the kidnapping, she gets pulled into an investigation on a dude who has made videos of himself having extremely consensual sex with rich women, tying them to the beds, confronting them about their obvious infidelity to their rich husbands, and then killing them by pouring corrosive acid on (and then INTO) their chests. She has a Ph.D in mythology and literature, which they need because the dude is throwin’ out all sorts of esoteric references and they think that knowing them will help them track him down. Of course, Kelly has gone into FBI work because she wants to be a hero, and so she breaks like EVERY protocol in investigating the trail of these obscure Asian myths back to either Ohio State or Ohio University, depending on which page you look at. (Does Pike know there’s a difference?) All the evidence points to a doctoral student, but it’s been manipulated that way by his faculty advisor, who is doing the sex murders because he caught his wife cheating with the dude. And now he’s going to kill Kelly the same way, only he hasn’t counted on her being a totally buff FBI agent who actually MOVES THE ENTIRE BED SHE’S TIED TO and makes the acid splash on the ropes, which she can now break to get at her gun and cap the fucker in the back of the neck. Of course, the acid has also splashed on her stomach and eaten into her organs, hence the GI problems. And also her husband is pissed that she went to such crazy lengths and endangered herself, to the point where if she goes back to the FBI he’s not willing to hang around and watch her kill herself. So he moves out and takes their young daughter with him.

I KNOW. This is a WAY more fuckin’ interesting story than oh, boo hoo, she was stringing me along so I’m gonna kidnap her baby. It’s too bad that he drags this shit out and doesn’t give it more consideration. But as with so much literature, we gotta accept the tragic male antihero versus the strong female agent who is still trying to figure out the boundaries of her moral code.

Yeah, there’s still more story. Matt hires a nanny under the table to help take care of the baby, and she thinks they look alike. You hear this all the time as a parent, even if your kid looks NOTHING like you — but Matt’s curious, so he does a mail-away DNA test and it comes back unquestionably that he’s actually the father. So now he knows he can’t just bail on the kid like he was planning, but he needs money to raise him. So he sets up an intricate ransom for his ex and her husband, who has money (of course he has money; why do you think she married him?). Matt makes the dude put $3 million in cash and jewels into a bag, then chase all over metro LA until he finally ends up taking a boat out to Catalina Island. But halfway there, he instructs the husband to load the dough into a weighted box and throw it overboard. Because of course Matt is a scuba diver — this is a Pike book, after all. He retrieves the money and then uses a personal propeller to zip off underwater. And the FBI, which was so prepared for an island drop or a boat handoff, is caught with their pants all the way down.

Of course Kelly is furious, but also curious. She remembers seeing a picture of Matt in the woman’s desk, and asks about the circumstances of his death. It seems that the day Matt’s plane crashed, he had been on Catalina — finishing up his scuba certification. So now Kelly has connected the dots, in a way only a Pike heroine can, but she can’t imagine where to find the dude. But she knows someone who can: a certain Sex Murderin’ English Teacher, who is still alive but paralyzed from the neck down, who knows better than anyone Kelly knows how a twisted male mind works. He grasps the intricacies of the situation immediately and advises Kelly to follow the woman, because there’s no way she’s unaware.

Kelly doesn’t believe it, but sure enough the chick leads her directly to Matt and the baby, set up in a fancy apartment not even that far from the rich husband’s house. It seems that Matt felt like he had all the leverage he needed to get the girl back, now that he had the baby and some money. But it’s not enough — she knows that the dude isn’t ever going to let her just go, and that the only way to be totally free to be back with Matt is if they kill her husband. So Matt, against his better judgment, starts coming up with a plan to murder a dude: drive his boat to Catalina, get him super drunk, and then push him overboard on the way back. The girl, weirdly, insists that Matt has to be on board and actually do the pushing. Which makes Kelly, listening in on her bugs planted in the apartment, start to think that maybe she’s the actual monster, even though Matt has faked his own death and then kidnapped her son. So she affects her own secret identity and moves into the complex to get closer to the situation but also to try to keep Matt from doing something he’ll regret.

Matt actually has no intention of killing the husband. His plan was pretty much always to tag along on the boat and then get the girl to fake her OWN death, and then they can be free and alone and untraceable. But but but, the girl objects, if she is dead and not the husband, then she won’t be heir to all his money! But Matt flatly refuses to push the dude. So she goes ahead and does it. Unlucky for her, they’re being tailed by — who else? — Kelly the Hero, who now has enough circumstantial evidence to arrest the woman for murder. Her father-in-law bails her out of jail, raising more weird questions, and then she manages to convince Matt to help her jump bail and escape with all her worldly possessions. They make it to Utah the first night, but the ten minutes Matt runs out to buy diapers and formula is long enough for a dude to bust in and tie his girl to the bed and be looming over her with a beaker full of acid when he gets back.

Holy shit, right? By now Matt knows who Kelly is and has gotten her backstory, and he knows that she’s willing to let him slide on the whole kidnap kerfuffle, so he calls her with this weird coincidence. But there’s no way it could be SMET, who is totally paralyzed! But Kelly now fears for HIS ex-wife’s life, and flies back to Ohio to do another check on this whole twisted clan. The best thing she can think of is to do a home stakeout with the lady and her new man, the grad student she was cheating with. Only — uh-oh — turns out the dude is in cahoots with SMET the whole time! His whole life, in fact: Cheatin’ Grad Student is SMET’s little brother! Their mother was also a cheater, and died of complications from their dad pushing her down the stairs after he found out. But wait! It seems that SMET actually did the killing, replacing her cardiac epinephrine shot with vinegar, so when she seized in her hospital bed it was the attempt to save her that killed her. Please note: SMET did this as a motherfucking TEN YEAR OLD. From there, he realized the thrill of destroying loose women and employed his little brother in helping to deface and dispose of the bodies.

So it only follows that he’d employ the dude to lure his wife, and was devastated when she bit, and that has turned into more killin’. In fact, it was CGS who was in Utah the night before, on his brother’s orders, ready to take down another terrible, cheating, murdering, bail-jumping lady. But this kid is even more debased than his brother, and is just going to rape and dismember Kelly while his new bae is knocked out from drugs in her dinner. Luckily she has her own syringe of cardiac vinegar, uncovered in her prior search of the dad’s house, and she manages to stab it into CGS’s heart just in the nick of time.

What’s up with Matt and the On-the-Lam Family? No big, they’re just doing some leisurely rock climbing now that they’re free from dead rich husbands or acid murderers. This, it turns out, is Matt’s one final big test to his girl’s fidelity — and she fails big time, cutting his rope and leaving him stranded on the edge of a cliff while he’s rappelling. But Matt’s been here before, because he’s an experienced and expert rock climber (because what the FUCK ELSE can this asshole be good at), and he manages to free-climb up the side of the cliff and catch his girl as she’s packing up the car. So now it’s her turn to be stuck on a cliff ledge, until he can get to a pay phone and call the cops on her for jumping bail. And we’re all like, good god, dude, it took you fuckin’ well long enough.

Of course we can’t just be done, right? Kelly has a sex murderin’ English teacher to revenge. She makes it look like a suicide, unscrewing part of his wheelchair and scraping his wrist veins against it so he bleeds out. But before he goes, he wants to talk to Matt, because they’re not so different, and he’d like to congratulate a fellow charismatic criminal for getting away with his misdeeds. And then he dies, and Kelly swears off FBI work so that maybe she can go back to her family and actually appreciate it and be appreciated by them.

Um ... what? But yeah, that’s the end of Falling. Either one of these stories would have been better served by itself, unless he could have given us Kelly’s necessary backstory in the beginning rather than trying to make everything happen at the same time. It comes across as excessive and unnecessary, and makes the ending fall flat. And when you have a blah ending, it doesn’t matter how vibrant the characters have been, or how real and horrific their struggles, or how much you sympathized with them throughout the narrative. All you remember is the “um ... what?”