#ok google... google how to find catnip

[kincidering]

This cat really be out here like "ok how does this thing work .... No .... Darn it ... Jerald it's just typing what I say .... Stop ... No ... Delete that ...st-"

[cosmosogler]

hmm. i didn’t sleep well last night even with the podcast. maybe had the wrong volume. and i woke up for the last time at about 7 with a cramp in my leg and that was pretty bad. then i just laid there on my back for 25 minutes until my alarm went off and then i got up.

i was kinda hoping that biking for an hour would exhaust me. i guess i am an endless well of energy. trickle by trickle i always got what i need for physical stamina. sometimes.

that’s been true for a long time. mom and dad always complained that i had no pain tolerance. and i can’t sprint forever, sure. but this is basically the longest/hardest i’ve ever biked aside from that ride downhill along the glacier in alaska, but that really hurt my wrists for like a week afterward. i always feel tired, the whole time, but i never really... stop. i guess that’s a suitable metaphor for my life.

mom and dad complain about a lot of things about me that probably aren’t true. but... i don’t really have a standard to compare their comments to. i’ve talked about that before... i don’t have a good feel for my personality. i’m unsure of the decisions i might make when under pressure and i don’t like that. it’s not like i feel like i’m nothing. i feel like i’m everything.

and the comments about me, to my face? are also everything. and the comments about me when they think i’m not around. also everything.

but i never feel like i’m acting different than how i normally act!!! what gives? which is it? am i cold or warm? am i deeply intelligent or deeply stupid? i make some pretty stupid decisions. being a physicist doesn’t make me smart automatically.

am i honest or two-faced? am i egotistical and too good to interact with other people or do i have no self esteem? 

in some cases i can be both in different situations, sure, i accept that people act differently sometimes. but i can’t be everything all the time. some of these comments happen on the same day.

sometimes i’ll think i am being perfectly reasonable and people will laugh at me for getting so worked up and i don’t understand because i was using my normal voice. maybe i was annoyed? but not upset by any measure. i’m getting that a lot now... jennica always laughs and says “that sounded REALLY sarcastic” when i say stuff like “i think the fire brigade is cool, my brother wants to be a firefighter and i want to be supportive.” 

i don’t know what her game is there. i don’t know why she keeps saying that. sometimes she puts her hands over her mouth like i said something monstrous when i am having a conversation with another classmate. she doesn’t come across as doing it on purpose. but now she is introducing me to her family members as “this is sammie, i can never tell if she’s being sarcastic or not” and i either have to try to smile through the pain and say “nice to meet you” and hear jennica say “SEE!?” or make an openly sassy comment about the conversation i’m having with my classmates at the bar.

i guess there’s more than two options of course. there are infinite ways to follow up an introduction. 

man i haven’t even described the day i am having today. 

i got up and showered and had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. i waited for suzanne to leave home to get to the book convention, then i waited another ten minutes, then i biked over. it took like six minutes to get there so it wasn’t a big deal even though my butt cried every time i hit a crack in the sidewalk.

no bike lane on main street. that’s why i was on the sidewalk.

i got to the warehouse and asked where everyone was in the group chat. then i went inside and looked at some books. i picked five out fairly quickly- i was only allowing myself to get 4 or 5. i got a mark twain humor theory thing, a biography of mary poppins’ author, a compilation of african mythologies, a big collection of king arthur stories, and a compilation of southwestern native american fairy tales. 

i found jennica by the mythology shelf. i asked her why she didn’t tell me she was here when i asked where everyone was. she shrugged and then tried to convince me that the brothers grimm fairy tales were the originals and also the best thing ever because they were so dark and brutal. 

it occurs to me in retrospect that she probably doesn’t know very much about me or my interests or how many hours i’ve put into studying world mythology. 

(not as many as i’d like, but more than she thinks.)

i paid for my books and then found suzanne’s fiance jake in the parking-lot-turned-courtyard. he’s not in the group chat so i wasn’t mad or anything that time. he let me sit by him and we talked about the book he’d found- “beyond the human eye” i think it was called. it had microscopic and telescopic images and looked like it weighed 20 pounds. i know he’s super antisocial, but he seemed to not be bothered by the one-on-one conversation. maybe that’s mostly a “party with people he doesn’t know” situation. i don’t know him very well yet. we seem to have a lot in common though.

eventually he mentioned that he’d found a pokemon book and thought of me. he asked if i wanted to see it. before i could register the information i’d said “sure” so we were back in the entrance. i made finger guns at the security guard because i’d asked kind of dazed questions the first time i went in and he was reasonably patient with me. we left our backpacks by him at his request.

we didn’t find the book but that was ok. when we went back outside we found suzanne, who had brought rebika, adamya, and her brother alex. then ioannis showed up. jake told suzanne that we’d been looking for the pokemon book and i cut in with “i don’t even play it around you guys that much i don’t know why you associate pokemon with me.”

suzanne looked at me like i was high. she said i play it all the time. i play for 5-10 minutes a day to do the daily stuff, but this week i had been playing it more because i was stressed... i told her it was a good way to feel accomplished because it’s only a matter of “doing the thing a lot” in order to get the thing i want.

in retrospect i think i was resetting for that jolly marshadow for like 25 minutes while hanging out with them last saturday. but i do mostly play at home and not particularly at the office.

anyway i hung out for a while and then we went to get brunch at a cafe across town. i looked at jennica, who was driving me and ioannis, and i said “it’s way easier to appreciate how fast a car is once you’ve had to walk or bike the same distance.” we basically drove the same exact path i’d used to get home last night.

we were at the cafe until like 1:45... mostly talking about etymology. i was a little antsy about the time, just because i had a lot of things to do today (i was right to be worried). we ogled some vultures hanging out by a lake and i took a bunch of pictures because there were like 30 of them sitting around. then half of us went shopping while the other half either got driven home or back to the warehouse to grab our bikes. i was already exhausted.

i got back to the apartment just in time to grab my box from amazon before the office closed. snoopy’s cat walk-through brush was in there! i set it up and sprinkled some catnip on it like i was feeding some fish. within two minutes snoopy was rolling around under it so i watched her do that for a while. she really loves it. i can never quite get her chin the right way when i brush her so now she can do it however she wants.

instead of cleaning the apartment i watched youtube videos for a while. eventually i took a deep breath and called the crisis center. they can’t make recommendations and told me to ask my insurance, which is the opposite of what i wanted to do. i scrolled through google instead. there’s no one near me except one solitary therapist with no reviews or information. i did eventually find that she doesn’t take my insurance so i called a different one who is kind of nearby but also didn’t have any reviews or information except for a phone number. i left a message. if she’s not open on saturdays i might be in trouble though.

also the crisis center doesn’t do appointments on saturdays so that was out too.

i might have to just use my 12-ish allotted appointments with the on-campus counseling center... i didn’t really want to do that because it takes like 3 appointments to get established and then i’d just have to do this search all over again after the 12 meetings were up.

then i made myself some dinner. it wasn’t that great. it needed another dish to complement it but i really didn’t have the energy to make rice or anything.

after that i biked out to the grocery store... at like 6:30. i got everything i needed and i think i stayed within my budget? i got some halloween decorations for my window. and now it’s finally the time of year when it looks like i am being festive instead of having a random wooden skeleton hanging on my wall over the keyboard piano.

he keeps an eye on snoopy while i’m out.

biking home was a nightmare with the cat litter in the front basket throwing off the center of gravity. i had to carry TWO heavy bags on my shoulders instead of one and it was cutting off the blood supply to my arms. still kind of sore where the handle straps were digging into my skin.

after i got home i put everything away and STILL didn’t feel like cleaning the apartment so i...? not sure what i did. a bunch of different little insignificant things. looking through tumblr i guess.

i realized that none of my classmates know that i draw or write. it feels like it should be such a big part of me and yet... i just don’t talk about it. i don’t have much time to draw. i make time sometimes but i dunno. i don’t show them anything. i don’t think anyone even saw the “sunset” representation i drew during our lab introduction when the lecturer was describing how we use symbols and stuff. i talked about that several weeks ago. how she remembered mine and said it was unique i guess.

i started a short story that i was gonna write about someone else’s character, and i still have the general outline in my head, but... i guess the idea feels stupid. it’s really hard to write my characters these days. i don’t know how much emphasis to put on them when other people’s characters are also in the story. i always feel like they are stealing the spotlight. in stories that are written about them. yeah.

i wish... i had a better way to tell what people knew about me. like the pokemon thing genuinely surprised me. this has happened a lot. people say i talk about it constantly, all the time, but like... i dunno. i only remember bringing it up once a week at most in undergrad, just in little references. like “oh there’s an event this week.” 

i guess it might be because i’m not very self aware? am i? i sure feel self conscious. is that different from self aware? 

i make everything about myself. i have to remind myself that i write these for me first and that’s why they are long all-consuming black holes of talking about myself. because otherwise it feels like i’m the only thing i ever talk about. i can’t... share... most of the things i like or am interested in. it feels like. i know i talk about the things i like all the time. is that still talking about myself? i’m so confused.

i’m really struggling to figure out how to not talk about myself all the time. being stuck in a house with mom and dad for eight and a half months was probably not very good for my conversational ability. i don’t know how to talk about anything other than myself because i spent eight months doing nothing but living inside my own head and sometimes walking my dogs. i don’t have anything to talk about! i was my whole life for so long that i forget how to... not. i feel like i don’t focus on other people enough.

ha. that’s another thing. my old friends used to say that they thought their friendships with me were real one-sided because i would share my problems overwhelmingly and not listen to them. then i go to therapy and the therapist is like “people aren’t your friends because you don’t share anything about yourself and expect them to share everything.” 

WHICH IS IT??? WHICH??????? NOT BOTH!!!!!!!!

GOD! I REALLY STRUGGLE WITH MY RELIGION, OK? I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD COMMIT MORE TO A BUDDHIST LIFESTYLE BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO FORCE MYSELF TO AND I WORRY THAT THAT MAKES IT CULTURAL APPROPRIATION OR SOMETHING BECAUSE OH I’M FAKE BUDDHIST, I JUST WEAR IT AS A FASHION STATEMENT, I DON’T ACTUALLY PRACTICE BUT BELIEVE ME I REALLY AM PART OF THAT RELIGION. BELIEVING IN GOD WAS SO HARD EVEN UP UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL. I FELT LIKE GOD HATED ME AND HAD TO TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY THAT HE WOULD UNDERSTAND EVERYONE HE MADE BECAUSE HE KNEW EVERYTHING. AND YET CONTINUOUSLY HORRIBLE THINGS WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AND PEOPLE I CARED ABOUT.

MY POLITICAL VIEWS ARE HARD TO DEFINE. I FEEL LIKE I DON’T HAVE A WORD FOR MY COLLECTION OF BELIEFS. I DON’T HAVE A GOOD IDEA OF WHAT FINANCIAL SYSTEM WOULD WORK BEST. ALL OF THEM SUCK!!!!!!!! AND I CAN’T FIX THAT PROBLEM!!!!!!!!! SO I DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT STRESSES ME OUT AND MAKES ME MISERABLE LITERALLY ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WORRY THAT ALL THIS “NICENESS” AND “KINDNESS” AND “SWEETNESS” THAT OTHER PEOPLE DESCRIBE ME AS HAVING IS FAKE. I’M NOT ACTUALLY KIND. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS MYSELF AND HOW I WOULD FEEL IF I WAS IN THEIR SITUATION. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT??? I’M NOT ACTUALLY KIND BECAUSE I’M NOT BRAVE. I CAN’T STAND UP FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHEN THERE’S TOO MUCH RISK I WILL GET HURT. I CAN’T STAND UP FOR MYSELF WHEN THERE’S TOO MUCH RISK I’LL GET HURT!!!!!!! IS THAT VIRTUE SIGNALLING? DO I JUST WANT THE ATTENTION WITHOUT ACTUALLY MAKING A COMMITMENT? I DON’T KNOW!

AM I EVEN CAPABLE OF MAKING A COMMITMENT? I DON’T EVEN PRACTICE POKEMON BATTLES BEFORE I ENTER COMPETITIONS AND THEN I GET BUMMED WHEN I DON’T WIN HALF THE TIME! WHAT DID I EXPECT?????? YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE TO BE ANY GOOD AT ANYTHING AND I DON’T PRACTICE ANYTHING BECAUSE I SPEND ALL MY TIME DOING NOTHING BECAUSE I’M AFRAID IF I MOVE I WON’T BE ABLE TO STOP MYSELF FROM HURTING MYSELF. BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF!

AND I THINK VIDEO GAMES AND CARTOONS ARE REALLY COOL AND I LIKE TONS OF CHARACTERS AND THEY SHOW UP IN MY DREAMS BUT IT’S WEIRD BECAUSE MY BRAIN JUST KIND OF PICKS OUT RANDOM FACES FOR ROLES AND PERSONALITIES IT MAKES UP FOR THE PURPOSE OF THE DREAM SO IT’S NOT REALLY THAT CHARACTER IT’S JUST GOT THEIR MASK ON.

I STILL THINK YOSHI IS REALLY CUTE AND I LIKE USING HIM IN SMASH BROS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN PLAYING AS HIM FOR 20 YEARS AND IT’S WHAT I’M GOOD AT. BUT I’M ALSO REALLY GOOD AT BOWSER SO IT’S OK RIGHT??? IT’S NOT NERDY RIGHT???????????

LOOK AT HOW MUCH I DON’T KNOW ABOUT ANIME, WHICH I ACTUALLY DO KNOW ABOUT, I’M NOT A NERD RIGHT??????????????? YOU CAN’T TELL THAT I’M FAKING IGNORANCE RIGHT??????????????????

I REALLY LIKE UNDERTALE AND I WILL LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME STOP BUT I STILL DIE INSIDE IF SOMEONE SEES MY YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATIONS AND SEES “RUINS EXTENDED.”

DO YOU KNOW HOW FASCINATING FILM THEORY IS? I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT’S WHAT I THINK ABOUT! THERE! IT’S WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE! BUT MAYBE YOU ALREADY KNEW ALL THIS BECAUSE I AM SUBCONSCIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS ALL THE TIME AND I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY SECRETS OR ANY CONTROL OVER WHAT I SAY OR DO OR WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR KNOW ABOUT ME! I DON’T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS AROUND ME OR TO ME! I’M JUST A REALLY NERDY LUMP WHO HAS NO SKILLS AND NO ACTUALLY GOOD QUALITIES! ONLY FAKE GOOD QUALITIES! I DON’T REMEMBER HOW TO CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AFTER I SPEND TIME AT HOME AND I HAVE TO AWKWARDLY RE-LEARN HOW TO BE CONCERNED IN FITS AND SURPRISED STARTS- OH! TAYLOR SEEMS TO ACTUALLY BE UPSET! MAYBE I SHOULD ASK IF HE’S OK??? IS THAT HOW YOU CARE ABOUT PEOPLE AGAIN??????????

I THINK I HAVE ALL THESE SECRETS BUT I DON’T! I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING! I CAN’T EVEN LIE RIGHT BECAUSE I CAN’T TELL IF I AM OR NOT ANY MORE!