#ok i'm just starting a tag bc i need to distract myself from life and making gifs is the perfect way to do it

[goodlesson]

random bastille gifs 1/?

[cherubsoda]

!!!!! 38 for Medic and/or 41 for Dante! [DC] (I'm not even putting this on anon why am I leaving my signature lmao)

ok so i went ham for no reason @dizzycoyote i apologize,,, this was supposed to be a doodle yikes,, also i wrote a fat fic for it so ,, its like my first time writing a real fic? sucks fr bro

hruggnn tagging @tibbygetsrekt, @sundewsunset and @heartstringsymphoniesbc i am,,, gay

under the cut

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HakfW2av-gRiemn39g8cVh8wKG8cFOXVH6u-mo9OF28/edit?usp=sharing

Medic 38: reunited/ “haven’t seen you in a while”

I shake my head, finding myself spacing out again. A few more transfers and I’ll be there… I have time to think. Old thoughts started resurfacing, things I haven’t thought of in months. How was he? I would give anything to hear from him again - to see him again. I don’t think we would need to speak; being next to each other again would be enough. ‘I wondered if he’s ever thought about me…’ I shifted to get comfortable. 

‘I’ll just rest my eyes’, 

I can remember what it was like before you left,

———

“- a job where they’ll let me practice what I please!”

My eyes shifted up from my plate to look at you — you’re practically ready to spring up on your feet, excitement evident on your face and in your voice, I smiled,

“That sounds perfect for you! When do you start?”

I saw the curl of your lips twitch and the corner of your eyes crinkle,

“Ah, in a couple of months — the beginning of spring — I begin a ‘test trial’ at this…establishment. Bah, there is just so much to prepare…” you trailed off and turned your gaze upon a suddenly interesting looking glass. I tilted my head a bit and raised my hand to catch your gaze again,

“I’ll help you pack or plan- whatever you need, I’ll do it with you!”

I smiled when I stumbled over my words, hoping that it did enough to distract you from seeing the sadness on my face or hear the hurt that I felt. I seemed to forget my woes for a moment when you smiled up at me again, 

“Thank you, my friend”

———

We began packing a couple days later — I came over early and we packed away the trinkets you couldn’t bear to part with and we laughed while boxing the ones to give away. I wonder if you still have them. Minutes turned to hours and morning turned to midday. I looked at the clock hanging on your wall: 4:37. We agreed that we’ve done enough for today and went to a diner a few blocks away. The meal was quiet, a few comments here and there, but you were quiet. I couldn’t help but wonder what you were feeling. ’Probably just tired from all the packing … or maybe he’s actually upset that I called that ceramic piece was ugly … maybe he’s just as sad that he has to leave-‘. I downed the rest of my water.

You drove me home, walked me to the door and said good night. You didn’t leave until I waved out my window.

———

I plopped down on one of the armchairs you were taking,

“I think it’s time for a break,”

A month passed and the majority of your things were packed and ready to be shipped off.

“I think we’re both stressed from all, this” I gestured to the boxes stacked around us. It’s been on my mind for a while, “Let’s visit some of your favorite places before you leave” I suggested “make some new memories to take with you.” You straighten your back and let out a sigh,

“I suppose you’re right about a break,” you massaged the bridge of your nose,“but what place did you have in mind?” you looked at my slumped over form,

“Anywhere.” 

“Anywhere?”

I sat up straight and watched you reminisce.

———

We went to the museums you promised you’d visit one day, walked through the gardens in the heart of Stuttgart, you got me drunk at your favorite bar, watched plays you never thought you’d see, and we sat in parks you had played at when you were younger. I listened as you rambled on about what changed and what stayed the same — I stood aside when you ran into an old classmate — when they introduced their wife and daughter to you, I smiled and looked away. 

———

Your departure inched closer and closer. I think you could sense my desperation, my fear — but you never said anything if you did. You promised to call or write to me when you had the time. You reassured me that you’d visit during holidays and would keep me in your thoughts all the time. You walked me to my door and waited for me to wave. But you didn’t say goodnight.

Just a couple more weeks until you leave.

You spent a week with your family. 

Just about a week left until you leave.

You came home exhausted.

Just a few more days until you leave.

“Did you get to see and do everything on your list?”

We sat on a park bench, the cool winter air sent a shiver down my spine. I turned to look at you, a bittersweet smile adorned your lips paired with a wistful look clouded your eyes — I wondered what you were feeling, maybe for too long; your mouth moved but I couldn’t hear you, as you grabbed my hands and led me back to your car. We drove, and we parked, then you finally turned to me and spoke,

“We’re here,” voice low and soft, I peered out my window and saw my porch, my door, my house…

You opened the car door and led me up the steps, my gloved fingers fumbled with my keys, I finally managed to find the right key and push the door open. We’re greeted by Archimedes’ enthusiastic chirps.

“I think they’ll miss you the most,” I giggled, walking over and opening the cage. The white dove happily hopped onto my finger and made its way up on my shoulder,

You let out a soft chuckled as he flew to your shoulder instead, “Do you really think so?” you asked while petting his side.

“They were always very fond of you…” arms crossed, head slightly tilted. I smiled “Take him with you.”

Your eyes quickly found mine across the room, staring at me; a confused, worried look flashed across your face.

“What are you talking about?” it seemed like Archimedes was looking at me the same way you did,

���Please, take him. He always liked you better,” I teased, pacing a bit “besides, it’s the least I can give you as a — a going away gift.” I tried to smile, my voice cracked and I wish you didn’t hear it.

You sent me a bittersweet smile from where you stood,

“My friend, will you miss me?” you asked as if you were waiting your whole life to get it out. I let out a sob. Of course I will.

———

That night, you drove. Parked. Led me up the steps. You walked inside with me. You didn’t wait for me to stand by my window and wave, so, I cried. I cried and you held onto me and spoke in hushed tones and made promises I wish you had kept. You stayed the night because this time you’d be saying goodbye instead of goodnight. 

———

My mind was blank but racing at the same time. Archimedes’ made no noise in his cage — I promised I’d see him off, so I called a taxi and drove to the train station. The ride was brief but gave me time to think: I wanted to apologize for that night; how awful I must’ve made him feel. I paid the fare and waited for you to arrive.

You pulled up in a similar taxi and I helped you with your luggage. I gently put the dove on a bench and we stood there watching trains that weren’t yours rush by.

Everything that I wanted to say couldn’t wait any longer but there will never be a perfect moment to tell. I will never be brave enough. I’m grateful it’s winter; to excuse my shaking shoulders and hands; grateful that the trains blew my hair every which way to cover my warming face; grateful that the cold, nipping air stopped oncoming tears.

“Why didn’t you tell me,”

I glanced up at you, you were watching as people trickled out of the train,

“I don’t know what you’re talking about-” 

“That you were going to miss me — that you were this upset,” you cut me off.

I gaped but closed my mouth. How selfish of me to try admit that I’d miss my one friend here.

“I’m sorry,” I shook and mumbled out in the cold air “I’m sorry for getting so worked up that night. I just — I’ll miss you I didn’t want to say it because…” I don’t think you could hear me or cared. I bit my lip.

How selfish would I be if I said I loved him so much I felt like I was being torn apart?

“Do not miss me.”

My eyes snapped up, this time you were looking at me, a smile in your eyes,

“You make it sound like I’m dying!” you laughed, a real laugh. “I will always be a phone call away, my friend, remember that,” and your smile widened as you put a gloved hand on my shoulder. I let out a choked sob and you held me.

I wish I had said I loved you, that you had leaned in so I could meet you half way. But how could I confess when I knew this was your dream? That I was the reason you got held back-, I cut my thoughts off when your train arrived; I shifted my weight. I passed Archimedes over to you with care — I suppose it was a foolish dream of mine to be with you. This time I waited until you were inside. You stood by the window and you smiled and waved. I finally said goodbye.

———

I wake up with a sudden jolt. I look around and ran a hand down my face

‘I dozed off… I must’ve been exhausted.’ 

After a couple more stops, a ‘ding’ signified I’m at my stop and brought me out of my sleepy daze. I quickly gathered my belongings and trudged out the train station. I checked my watch for the time; 9:17am, ‘hopefully I make it in time’. I take a taxi to another nearby town, some place that seems more desolate, more… rustic I suppose. ‘They should be here any second now.’ I look around at the stores nearby, when something bumped into my shoulder. I jumped, throwing my hands up and taking a few steps back; white feathers clouded half of my vision. I gingerly put a pair of fingers under its feet and turned to face it, hoping it doesn’t attack again. The bird - dove - begins crooning, pecking at my hair, 

“Archimedes?” ”Archimedes!” a distant yell overlapped my voice, other voices followed but were drowned out by the approaching man’s voice,

“There you are Archimedes! You shouldn’t fly off like that!” he scolds, “Ah haa, so sorry about-” his sheepish smile drops as he makes eye contact with me,

“Ludwig…?” I let out a surprised laugh, “Wha-“

“Schatz, what are you doing here?!” He takes a step back and quickly looks at me, he shifts around a bit, unsure what to say, “Why - How —“

I couldn’t help but stare. How long has it been since I’ve seen him? His hair is greying much more than before, his cheeks sunken in a bit more, the worry creases on his brow deepened, but he - he’s stayed the same. What about me? I must look like a mess - freshly woken up after a who knows how long train ride, my hair unbrushed and —

“Lay, you’re crying,” his accented voice gently pulled me away from my thoughts; I haven’t heard my name used so tenderly in years. I didn’t realized that he had slightly bent down to look at me. My tears ran freely. I let him wipe them away and took in a deep breath. I let my forehead rest against his cheek, while he held my hand in his, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. He gently nuzzled his cheek against my hair and placed a kiss on the crown of my head; letting out a soft laugh that shook his chest when slid my hand over his shoulder to the back of his neck. He finally leaned in and I met him half way. I closed my eyes and I can remember what it was like before you left.

[lemongogo]

I tried asking you something but my phone glitched so sorry if it repeats or something but I can't help but notice you always seems so chipper. I know everyone goes through hard times and I shouldn't assume everything is fine all the time but even your negative posts seem positive to some degree. It's admirable but I'm also concerned cause it's hard for me to do that. I wish I could.

so as you prob saw earlier i had this whole extravagant reply written in response but i felt like a short nd sweet answer would suffice

to begin with, thanks for sending it again! i didn’t get it the first time around, so it’s good to know you resent it. and secondly, i appreciate the fact that you seem to think so! i use this blog as, essentially, my escape from the negative junk i have to go through on a daily basis. because i have the ability to mold this area to my liking (from the content i see to the people i interact with), i try my best to make it a positive environment. even if said attitude isn’t always true (i have my moments- if youre weirdly interested in seeing me upset, i have a #negative tag where i spill my thoughts), it always helps to come back to a spot where it seems like it is

for me, it helps a lot to be involved with positive behaviors and content yknow? a few years back, i actually did some terrible things that im not proud of whatsoever, and as a result, that toxic environment had an extremely profound effect on how i lived my life even off of the internet. the constant hatred from myself and others made me increasingly bitter, frustrated, short tempered, and depressed. the reaffirmation of negativity on a daily basis eventually got so bad that i realized i had to change or else things wouldnt get better?? so, having grown and learned from that experience, i find that i work best when i remove the point of stresses from my life when i can- in this case, it just means surrounding myself in an environment that makes me feel good, if not, just better than before. 

this sort of attitude doesnt always need to be genuine, though. for example, i actually broke down at the convention last weekend bc at some points i felt really alienated from my friends nd like a general ‘ol failure thanks to my inability to interact w people on my own. so even though you guys didnt see that part of me, i still went through some pretty rough stuff. but rather than focus on those things that made me feel disgusting && repulsive, i kinda force myself to think abt all the other things that ended up making me happy you know? like .. yeah i had this rly embarrassing break down in front of my friends but at the same time i got to meet an incredible group of people who enjoy vld just as much as i do. so its moreso just consciously shifting your focus. its not an immediate fix to your problems, and it’ll never be a permanent solution, but its a good little trick to distract yourself from the nasty side of things

back to my blog though, i try to find the good side of things if i can out of the hope that i’ll eventually believe what im saying. and to some degree, it has worked. although im still dealing w a lot in my personal life, it’s just helped to take a step back and really evaluate where i am and what i can do to curb potential problems. ik that probably sounds like.. rly neurotypical, but like., even if you can force yourself to take a step back for just a tiny second, you’ll find ways to work through certain issues. 

but its important to understand that its ok to not be okay. there’s no need to compare your progress to that of anothers, because we all think, function, and react in different ways. trust me, its taken a lot of incredibly hard work to get to where i am and its not even close to being over. if you find that you’re having trouble with this or that, ask for help!! im def always here to provide some insight, support, help, etc. etc. bc i know just how valuable it is to know that someone is there to help you walk when you can no longer stand on your own. if you ever have something you’re dealing with, you can most definitely talk to me. i want the best for all of you guys, and i really hope that you can start feelin better soon