#okay i will just do it whenever it seems like thats where the convos leading

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it��s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas—she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

[lettertoyoutwo]

I’m going to preface this by saying I love you both, and I’m going to try to refrain from making blanket statements and stick to what I’m feeling, by saying specifically that I feel this way or it seems like something. Feelings aren’t always accurate, of course. The only thing I’ll make statements on is what my therapist has told me as fact; and I’m only putting so much weight in what was pointed out to me strictly because it directly echoes the things my previous 3 therapists have taught me. It leads me to believe this single therapist isn’t randomly really off base. And something I have always valued my entire life is understanding other people, and growth. So this text is more about me coming into an understanding of the bigger picture, seeing areas where growth can happen, where growth has happened, and to explain my thought process in conjunction with my therapy plan this last year. This isn’t an attack by any means even if I do get emotional. Nor is this a woe is me, I’m not in the wrong at all letter - you guys had every opportunity to express your issues with me. I’m simply asking for the time and respect to have my feelings heard out.

Long story short: my therapist pointed out ways that you two have been breaching my boundaries, doing triangulation and black & white thinking, attempting to manipulate me, and showing a pattern for devaluing and discarding. I don’t believe you guys are doing it on purpose, or even aware of it, I think you’re doing what you think is right - unfortunately it’s not healthy. I was completely unaware of it and how much it’s been effecting me. If you’re not interested in hearing what I have to say about how this has been hurting me, and likely poorly explaining what my therapist saw that I didn’t, then don’t read any further I guess. Honestly with how you guys have been acting recently, I don’t expect to be heard out with an open mind and understanding of compassionate heart. I expect you guys to take something I say in here out of context/misunderstand it, and run with it; but maybe that’s my trauma history with a specific toxic ex friend causing me to be scared.

I’m hurt, and have been hurt for some time now. It didn’t make sense to me, and all I kept telling my therapists was “my friends are looking out for me/want the best for me.”

My therapist and I were discussing my recent stint of ‘should I leave kyle’ feelings while I was deep in PTSD mode these last couple months, and she asked me ‘it seems like we keep coming back to this from time to time, why do you consider it?’ And of course, I replied with my list of issues I’ve had with him. She then asked me like what all has he done in response, has he done this or that blah blah. And I’m like okay here’s how the convos go, he’s really stubborn and frustrating and defensive sometimes, he struggles seeing things from other ppls perspectives, this is how the convos go after talking to therapist about it, this is how he realizes things, this is what he does to implement what we talked about. And my therapist goes, “well, what else can he do? Thats a pretty healthy response” and how all we can do as people is learn and put effort into correcting it for next time. I’m like. Oh, idk then. And she asks me something along the lines of, “So do we think you keep coming back to this question because you’re scared, or do you feel pressured in some way to break things off?” And I go “I mean yeah maybe I’m scared to be vulnerable and trust someone is actually putting effort in to be better for me instead of just saying words like my ex, but my friends don’t like him, don’t think he’s a good person, and it’s effecting how they view me.”

My therapist was taken aback, to say the least.

So we spent some sessions going over how you guys have responded and acted since the very start. Previously I’ve only ever focused on Kai and what he did wrong and how it bothered me, and she would suggest how to approach it in a discussion and the talks would go well and she would be like yeah he responded like a healthy adult after the original disagreement. We never really talked about you guys, because I never really saw much issues. I genuinely believed you guys cared about me and wanted only what was best for me. Maybe you guys believed that too. Maybe you guys do, but your approach has been..less than ideal, to put it lightly. Actively harmful, to put it how my Therapist said.

Things have been obviously stressed between us for some time now. I’ve been feeling it probably since nov, definitely December. told myself you guys were maybe busy and going through stuff, especially at first with the holidays, that maybe you were feeling like I was being off and distant first, so I was patient and put more effort into talking to you guys and letting you know how much you meant to me. It felt like it got better for a bit, only to resurface a few more times. I’ve cried about it plenty, I sucked it up because I know it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel better or give me reassurance and I’m trying to be more emotionally self sufficient, even though a couple times I broke down and asked for it from you guys. I didn’t want to be a burden. I however didn’t realize I was scared to confront you guys and express how I was feeling and why.

At this point, I don’t feel like you guys like me. As a friend, or a person for that matter. I’ve known since like nov/dec yall were talking without me present, you stopped interacting with my on fb for the most part even after Ez got back from post block, you guys made plans to hangout with me repeatedly. It sucked, I tried to not read into it because of COURSE that’s okay. But there was a reason for it and it kept eating at me. I know why, or at least I know some of it. I might not be privy to everything you guys have felt, because you don’t communicate that with me. Maybe you’re scared, too. Maybe you feel like nothing you say will get through to me. Maybe you’ve been done with me and you’re just doing that thing Ez does where they...kinda basically ghost the person instead of talking about what the person did that upset them, and wait for the person to stop sending them PMs. Apparently, this is considered part of the silent treatment. I didn’t know that. Color me surprised. I’m assuming it’s because confrontation is scary, but only you can look inside yourself and question if there’s an underlying feeling of maintaining control in some way that goes along with it that you haven’t admitted to yourself yet.

I know the original stressor was Halloween, when permission was given to touch some butts and Kai said something really fucking insensitive he shouldn’t have. His opinion wasn’t needed. All because he’s used to jealous people and he didn’t want me to think he was into Ez or enjoying touching their ass that much, after they had flirted before. I literally couldn’t care less even if you guys had hooked up, it’s a nice butt, enjoy it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the reason for his comment that hurt you. I understand his mental process, I do not accept it, and he accepts he fucked up.

Since the Stressor in our “friendship” has been Kai, and your guys’ response to that stressor and your actions toward me has been what my therapist has the issue with, I’m unfortunately going to have to go over some things that do include him. I hope you read it over from a place of wanting to understand me, and how I don’t understand why, and not feeling like it’s an attack that you need to get defensive over, or like I’m defending him. I’m not, maybe it has felt that way though. Maybe there’s been a misunderstanding between us in that regard.

Was it shitty? Yes. Should he have apologized? Absolutely. I still believe he should, personally, because I think everyone should get an apology whenever the people are ready. You guys probably don’t agree, which is fine. Regardless, from what my therapist has said: That journey to apologizing is his, not mine. What he needs to go through to work up the nerve to face someone is his. Not mine. He wasn’t at a place where he could face his embarrassment and give the apology he owed. Does it say something about where he was at as a person then? Yes of course. Does it affect our relationship to this day? Of course.

Ez immediately told me that it hurt their feelings and they were crying! I was fuming, and couldn’t not say something, and talked to him about hurting my friends feelings. I blindsided him, and he was embarrassed and got defensive. Something my therapist pointed out that he needs to work on, and he is. It almost ended that night because that’s how much Ez meant to me, but my therapist told me: their relationship is not yours. Friends having a falling out has nothing to do with me.

Ez you never reached out to him to address the fact you were hurt, and I only asked clarification so I wasn’t assuming or in case Kai lied to me. As my therapist said, if such were the case: you inadvertently triangulated and turned me into a mediator in that moment whether you meant to or not. You confided in me knowing me well enough to know I was going to have to say something. Previously when you guys were at odds with eachother, I had already talked with my therapist and then expressed and set the boundary with both of you that I was done mediating, that it’s toxic for me and something I need to unlearn. My therapist said to stop mediating completely prior to the Halloween thing. Teaching me that people’s friendships are their own and completely separate to their friendships/relationships with me. You guys didn’t need to be friends in order to have friendships/relationships with me (I appreciated the effort on your part, of course). Essentially, you guys were adults, it was your guys’ to figure out. Confront him. If he was a whole douchebag and a half when he was confronted by the person he hurt, I’d have ended it right then and there. My therapist pointed out how probably unintentionally, you disrespected my boundary - and that this was classic triangulation. Eye opener for me, I didn’t think anything you had done was wrong. And part of it is my fault, I shouldn’t have said anything to Kai because it wasn’t my place nor my responsibility to inform him that he had hurt your feelings, it was yours. He would have been completely unaware that what he said hurt your feelings, I didn’t even think anything of it until you told me it hurt you.

Then you guys told me in I think November he still hadn’t apologized, meaning Ez was upset he never gave you the respect of an apology, which leads my therapist to speculate you must have wanted or expected one, otherwise why get so upset and handle this convo how you did. Wanted/expected an apology despite not communicating to him you were hurt and would like one - my therapist takes yet another issue with this lack of communication and putting me in the middle. You should have gotten one, of course. You and Alexa then brought up all these hypotheticals (which let me know you guys had been discussing it outside of the group chat, which was fine, but the start of some hurtful stuff) that made me angry with him and put me into super anxiety mode - what if he does really terrible hurtful even abusive things to me and doesn’t even think it’s important to apologize! I remember it so clearly, I was sitting at his DND during our convo and didn’t want him to even touch me. It was hard to breathe, I went to the bathroom to cry. You guys encouraged me to break it off with him. Apparently, this was capitalizing on my trauma history. A discussion happens between Kyle and I regarding this topic, he says how he wants to apologize in person and all this shit and I angrily inform him it’s too late, he majorly fucked up and waited too long to ever have a chance of repairing that. He apparently assumed from that there was no point and that Ez didn’t want to hear from him. He thought giving them space was the best option because he had hurt them so bad without meaning. That’s on him.

Because Ez you never went TO him. That’s on you.

You have no idea how much of a hot button topic this is in my relationship and how I hold it against him. How it’s a really blazingly red learning curve for him, that he could still lose me over it if at any point I decide I decide it’s too much.

I remember not too long after that talk, Ezra then made a “I thought we were breaking up with him” comment when I didn’t end things after a talk with my therapist at the time. It made me feel...weird. Something was wrong, and I didn’t know what it was. But now I understand that the whole conversation, capitalizing on my trauma history, making me scared of all the hypothetical what if’s, making me scared of the guy I was seeing, was pressuring me to leave him. I’m not sure if you guys even realize that or not? Like it was maybe entirely unintentional...but maybe deep down it wasn’t. You guys made some blanket statements at the time eluding to ‘he’s not a good person’ (I have zero idea if Ez was the one saying that in private chats first, or if Alexa was telling Ez that his actions made him a bad person - you guys know the answer to that between yourselves). I reasoned with myself that you were looking out for me, that you wanted the best for me, and so you were worried. I genuinely believed that, and took this as a show of love from my friends. Even if it were true, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it wasn’t okay.

Ez, you probably feel like I chose sides. You did with Isaac, for good reason. If Kai had assaulted you, or he had done this on purpose to hurt you, I absolutely would have ended things right then and there, and if it ever does come out that it was intentional with the motive to hurt you, I would end it. But he hurt your feelings on a supposed accident because he doesn’t think through what he says all the time and didn’t want me to be jealous. That’s not an excuse, it’s a reason for a mistake that he’s taking to heart and working on, because it’s a huge issue for him. You don’t have to believe it or trust him, he’s hurt you. It was stupid and insensitive. The thing is, I wasn’t mediating, I wasn’t ‘picking sides,’ it was your guys’ semi-friendship to sort out and communicate through and end if the damage was too much. It was personal between you two. Maybe you feel hurt and betrayed because I didn’t choose ‘your side,’ I don’t know. If you do, I’m sorry. Alexa if you see me not choosing Ez’s side as a betrayal, it would make sense the way you’ve felt/acted towards me, betrayal is a big trigger for you, and maybe you have a belief that only bad people betray. Idk, I always try to think of what reasons others have for the way they’re feeling/acting and take their stuff into account. Reasons for people’s actions are important to me. Understanding what’s going through their head is important to me.

But it’s something my therapist takes issue with again: picking sides, and/or wanting your friends to pick sides between personal fights is extremely unhealthy. Like, it’s toxic to expect that out of your friend. This was a thought I had had back then as a possibility, but I brushed it off. But, asking someone to pick sides in scenario’s like this is a part of triangulation and Black and White Thinking, apparently. Making blanket statements and labeling someone as a ‘bad person’ is part of Black and White Thinking. It’s a defensive strategy (sometimes due to being raised in a narcissistic abusive environment) but many people do it without realizing it’s an issue. Mentally ill people with a trauma history (gang gang) tend to do it the most. These are often actions that are normalized by abusers to their children and/or victims who then inherit the normalized habits without realizing that it’s wrong. I know from experience, and I had to unlearn wanting/expecting people to pick sides or putting labels on people instead of their actions and thinking of them as ‘bad people’ or ‘shitty people’ or ‘against me.’ These weren’t even cohesive thoughts I had, but I realized they were beliefs I held in my body over time in therapy. It’s toxic. One that reminds me all too well of my mom honestly. I still struggle with b&w thinking, but usually on the opposite end of the spectrum, seeing people as good despite their faults and making excuses for things that they never put effort into getting better, both SOs and friends. I’m learning to set boundaries and I need to expect them to be respected, but my boundary of not being mediator wasn’t. Ez told me so that in a way I would inform Kai whether they realize it or not, because they expected an apology and got more upset that they didn’t receive one when they didn’t reach out to him themself, immediately turning me into the mediator. That wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to expect me to pick a side when it was a personal thing. Of course it made me view him differently. It also made me view Ez a little differently, but again I tried to brush that off. You guys were looking out for me, is all. You guys care about me, that’s all

Triangulation and B&W Thinking, being a huge way narcissists deal with things, and realizing you guys were doing that even a tiny bit is probably triggering and this is where I start getting emotional and jumbled. I grew up with it my whole life, my mom going to my siblings to talk about me and get validation from them when I did something to upset her, or her coming to me to talk about my siblings or a family member and get validation from me when they did something to upset her. Because she thinks in b&w and immediately labels people as bad and wants everyone else within close proximity to her to agree with her. You’re either with, or against her. It’s 100% unhealthy. She turned siblings and family against eachother. It’s usually not a conscious choice to do it, and most people aren’t aware they’re doing it.

Some people even have Core Belief System that makes them think that this is normal and right to label someone after a mistake, or choose sides, etc. Core Beliefs vary, they’re often times stuff we learned in childhood that we have to unlearn as adults, like negative self talk. Kai and I have done some exercises evaluating his Core Belief systems and which ones are immediately unhealthy, and it was such a huge eye opener for him. I know when I started therapy, learning about the Grey Area blew my whole fucking mind and flipped the world upside down.

Honestly, I’ve stopped talking about Kyle much at all because your guys’ response is: no response if it’s something cute or positive he did, or you try to convince me I should end things, that I seem to want to end things, or that he’s a bad person when I’m frustrated. Or you say I’m making excuses for him when I explain what’s going on and what he’s become self aware of and has started working on, or tell me I’m doing too much when I explain what conversations we’ve had and how it’s progressing to better understanding and a plan to make it better in the future. Everything since Nov/Dec has been negative when I’ve tried, so I stopped unless I was at my wits end and couldn’t talk to my therapist first. I don’t tell you about all the ins and outs of our conversations we have after getting advice from my therapist, I don’t tell you how he literally does everything my therapist says a healthy person should do in specific circumstances. You only want to see and convince me of the negative. Which means, you guys have actually been manipulative in that aspect, and I’m not sure you guys realize it.

An example that stood out to me was when Ezra attempted to tell me, on I think two occasions, that him being jealous AT ALL is toxic and grounds to leave him. If you genuinely believe this, then this is a Core Belief you have about the word and it’s actually not correct. Jealousy is not inherently toxic, it doesn’t mean the relationship ‘is doomed’ or thst you need to get rid of it immediately, it is a normal human emotion. It depends on how your jealousy manifests and what you do/act on/how you communicate through it and work on it that makes it toxic or a healthy interaction. Every step of the way Kai has communicated through his insecurities and any jealousy he has had in a healthy way. But I feel like this isn’t one of your Core Beliefs ez, because you’ve straight up been jealous of him in the past and have felt jealousy in general, because you’re human and it’s normal to feel from time to time. I’m not sure if you’re struggling with self-shame for feeling jealous at times in your life, but it also feels like projection on your part. Regardless it was manipulative of you to try to tell me that and encourage me to leave the person you don’t like.

Something I noticed, especially after my therapist started pointing out some of this stuff, is how you guys kind of...blacklist people when they do something you don’t like. It made sense to me when it was something that hurt yall, but it was still a trend. I explained a handful of instances I watched this happen, and my therapist pointed out the Devaluing and Discarding that takes place each time, alongside some triangulation and b&w thinking. And like, I get it, because I’ve lived it, dealt with it, been in therapy for years discussing it and undoing it, unlearning habits I picked up from childhood and trauma defense mechanisms. Someone does something wrong, that you guys don’t like it don’t approve of, and you talk about them and make broad generalizations about them, get petty, cut them off or ghost them, and you feel justified because of what they did while you put a Label on them. Of course you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you’re allowed to not like whoever for whatever reason, but you guys (and I say this broadly bc I don’t know who’s the one doing it and who’s encouraging it?) do it to a degree that’s unhealthy to my therapist. I’m not perfect either, I’m not saying I am, so don’t put words in my mouth or assume that’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I’ve noticed a trend with you guys. And frankly I was naive to think you wouldn’t do it to me after watching you guys do it to a handful of people.

Something I’ve learned in therapy over the years is that yes feelings are always valid, but they aren’t always accurate, or correct. I’m not gaslighting you and saying your feelings are somehow wrong, its just a fact about feelings. And this is often what leads people into b&w thinking, and devaluing. Have your feelings been right at times? Of course, and these defense mechanisms protect you from getting hurt again by someone, especially someone who’s shown they’re not on your side or they disrespect you. People will talk, and without realizing it make generalizations and put labels on others together, thus convincing the friend group to side with them. The “bad” person, who is a perceived threat is ‘not trustworthy/safe’ anymore, starts to get left out. They’re no longer considered, they no longer receive any understanding or empathy. Often everything they do is now judged with a ‘they have bad intentions/are being a bad person’ view. This NARCISSISTIC triangulation. It’s part of the Devaluing process. It’s an unhealthy, toxic, and harmful defense mechanism so you won’t be hurt by the target again. And if you can’t tell you’ve started doing it to me, idk how to open your eyes to that habit of yours.

There’s a difference between personal and DANGEROUS. Kyle hurt ezra’s feelings, he made a mistake and didn’t make it right, thus its personal between the two of you. He wasn’t immediately dangerous like You Know Who, who had assaulted Ezra.

A big problem is you guys have started Devaluing me; it’s not that it feels like it, you guys are. It’s been going on for a long time and I didn’t realize how bad or toxic it was until it was pointed out to me. I have become the new target, the new ‘bad person’ because I didn’t agree with you guys or give in to... manipulation? How fucking sad is that, I was defending you guys for so long, meanwhile you’ve been actively disrespecting me, ignoring my boundaries, and hurting me. Triangulating further within a new group chat, I’m sure.

Because you’re hurt and upset by my action of not choosing a side? Or not leaving him when you thought I should? Of making so-called excuses for him (there’s a difference between listing reasons for what lead someone to making a mistake that they’re working on, vs listing excuses for actions they made with zero effort and intention to work on - something I learned in therapy that my therapist reiterated to me when I was concerned that maybe I was making excuses for Kai. Him not apologizing excluded, that was done and too long to make right, so he’s putting effort into working on confronting people when he does something wrong so he never does it again, hence working on it). Maybe you feel like I actually chose his side, which is so not true - we just communicated over and over again through the issues his shitty actions caused between him and I. You can feel hurt, it’s so valid, and I’m sorry if I ever did anything to ever hurt either of you that I don’t realize or make you feel unimportant. However it genuinely feels like that it’s over me not doing something that is inherently unhealthy, and you guys have responded in a really toxic way...while at one point trying to convince me Kyle is the sole toxic one. You see how wrong that is?

We all are unhealthy in some way. We’ve all got our shit. I’m thankful to have been in therapy going on 6 years now and have gotten perspectives from multiple different therapists. I’m not perfect and I’m still learning and working on my unhealthy habits, there’s things I could have done better - and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me bad because I wasn’t perfect. Mistakes don’t make people bad just because it wasn’t ideal or perfect. You’re not inherently bad for reacting in toxic ways due to your childhood, either. Even if you guys read this and scoff and get defensive and put words in my mouth or misconstrue what I’m saying in order to support your Core Belief system that I must be the bad person who’s solely in the wrong, I still dont think you’re bad people deep down. Obviously you’d be not ready to give yourself a long hard look and work on yourselves if that WAS the case, but whether you do or don’t isnt my business, it’s your personal journey.

Yet you guys think I’m shitty. A shitty friend. That I’m defending a shitty person. That I’m making excuses for him - when understanding and helping him work through his shortcomings and mistakes and learn to be better isn’t making excuses or being shitty. Was I shitty because I dated my abuser after he raped me, because I thought if he was open to it I could help him unlearn some stuff? No. This is part of that devaluing process, one I’ve been sitting here for months knowing full well it’s happening, watching my ‘friends’ exclude me, leave me on read countless times (dude it’s a form of Silent Treatment, you realize that?), being left out, avoided, triangulated against, and vague posted about. I’ve cried so many more times over how you guys have been treating me under the guise of ‘love and care and friendship’ than anything Kyle has done to me. And anything he’s done to me was a one time mistakes he learned from, and immediately implemented ways to avoid it in the future; asking questions and looking things up and learning. A healthy response to mistakes. The sociopolitical stuff took time to identify what was holding him back from seeing and learning, and now he’s working through that. That’s effort and progress. We APPLAUD effort and growth, do we not? We ENCOURAGE learning and growing, do we not?

Anything I say and do now is being interpreted as wrong/bad. You guys are putting words in my mouth and assuming the worst from me instead of giving me any understanding or being like ‘I know she didn’t have bad intentions with how that was worded, so I must be interpreting it wrong’ - it’s literally triangulation and devaluation. Both toxic narcissistic habits. Alexa, you can stop vague posting about me. And Kyle. You’ve done it quite a bit, and have for a while. It’s so passive aggressive. You can confront me through text like an adult and be like ‘it feels like this, did you mean it that way’. I wasn’t expecting yall to sit down at the exact time I laid out to have a full in depth convo with me - I just needed to say what I was thinking and feeling, and let you guys know about when I would be sending you guys whatever I had to say, that way if you happened to be free or done with work and whatever you got going on, maybe you could set some time aside to read it, instead of days later. Because as “friends” I feel like my feelings should be important enough to try to get to my text within a reasonable timeframe, instead of leaving me hanging. That’s not feeling ‘entitled’ to your time dude. That felt like when I said I was free at this time and would be sending something, that you guys assumed I expected something from you guys at that time frame. Which wasn’t true. And, I didn’t make excuses for Kai’s actions, I understood where he is at in his growing process and why, and I’ve held him accountable for his shit and he’s working on it. Again, “Reasons imply that fault is sincerely recognized and accepted, that you take accountability for your actions. An excuse is used to justify, blame or defend a fault with the intent to absolve oneself of accountability.” One involves effort, the other doesn’t. How would you guys know what he has and hadn’t realized and accepted and started working on with me and my therapist? You guys have wanted zero to do with him, so he’s followed that wish and he’s doing his own inner work. You be posting all this stuff about being a better person when you’re being petty asf and passive aggressive, and he’s literally working to accept and take accountability for stuff and be better next time around. And acting like he’s that ‘devils advocate’ meme yall posted? Must be projecting that he’s that kind of person because he’s been similar in some ways to people who do that. You’re projecting those people on to him. He’s never once played devils advocate in our discussions, his goal has never been to frustrate anyone, he just didn’t get it. He thought being “just the way he was” was a good thing for people to be because it was a Core Belief of his, that sticking to whatever you think or feel no matter what was a good quality in people. He’s past that now, and he’s going to continue to be better. Petty of you to equate him to my mother and project that onto him, when you guys have been not super self aware of how toxic you’re being.

I’ve dealt with Mean-G!rl friends who go and make group chats without me, talk about me behind my back, vague post about me, don’t put much effort into hanging out or even replying, and don’t confront me to talk through things or just.. end the friendship. I think we all have dealt with that. What I haven’t had is a partner who treats me nicely, as a priority, puts effort into loving me the way I feel cared for, who isn’t perfect but he’s trying to be better, being open to seeing things from other views, changing his actions and thoughts so he can be a better more sympathetic and less insensitive person, looks things up and reads about stuff and starts conversations with his own self realizations and creates plans on how to be better or how he will implement the things we discuss, and then acts on it. No one is perfect and we all have flaws and toxic traits. I’m not ready to give up on the only person I’ve met who really does try to change things to be better despite not being entirely self aware of everything he needs to work on, I’m not ready to give up on someone’s ability to become a better person just like I wasn’t ready to give up on your guys ability to do so. Maybe one day my meter of shit I can take will be full and I’ll be done, but that’s my process within my healing and growth.

This was an important part from my therapist: What you think is right regarding boundaries might not be right for me, and that’s okay. You don’t need to try to convince me what I SHOULD be thinking or doing, because you’re not my therapist, you’re not me, you’re not perfect either. You definitely don’t need to be trying to convince me, or manipulate me, and then getting upset with me and devaluing me when I don’t adhere to your way or thinking. I was raised with that, and one of the biggest themes in my therapy journey is learning how NOT OKAY that is, how it’s toxic and ABUSIVE, and I need to form my own sense of what I want and can and can’t handle and set boundaries for me and my life. That’s my journey. You guys have been getting in the way of that.

Has he said some racist stuff from a place of ignorance? Yes. Has he previously been defensive and not open to hearing out others? Yes. Have I almost ended things over it? Yes. Did I discuss it with my therapist before making any decisions? Yes. Did he and I have multiple calm and collected discussions about it afterwards before I made any decisions, where progress was made? Yes. He gets it now and sees how he was wrong and insensitive. He gets how even if he didn’t mean it that way, that’s how it gets interpreted by literally everyone, and so it’s wrong and there’s better ways to communicate his utopian desire for ‘everyone getting along.’ He said ALM as his own view that he sees everyone just as important as the other and wants the world to be that way one day, not realizing that too many people use ALM to silence black people. Now he’s out telling his coworkers that All lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter. People will evolve over time when someone takes the time to educate them. That’s the beauty of human nature. And that’s the one thing he did, he’s been pretty adamantly ACAB and talking about how corrupt and racist the government and police are since he and I started talking. When he makes a post about it is up to him, that’s part of his journey and growth, we can’t dictate when someone should be ready to do something.

Ezra you tried to say how ‘we we both grew up in conservative houses and we unlearned that stuff quick.’ Per my therapist: Great! We were lucky! We had resources and people to teach us when we were young and we understood the bigger picture! Not everyones journey will look like ours and that’s OKAY. It doesn’t make their journey or process less valid or wrong because it wasn’t just like ours. That was pretty close minded of you honestly.

You also mentioned how he’s a centrist, and that it’s basically right wing. Yeah, sure. It doesn’t mean his views might not change after being educated more, especially now that he’s open to it. You’ve called Cassi a centrist and talked about how annoying it is, yet I watched you not too long ago defend her in a comment and call her ‘one of your best friends.’ So her being a centrist or basically right wing doesn’t make her a bad person, or a shitty person, but it does him? What has he done besides hurt your feelings on accident and not apologize, and be a centrist? Being insensitive? People struggle with different things. Some people genuinely lack empathy from being on the spectrum that has them make mistakes, are they automatically shitty people for being insensitive? That makes your feelings toward Kyle being a bad person seem EXTREMELY personal, like you’re possibly holding a grudge. Which then only makes the manipulation and triangulation you’ve done in response so much worse.

I don’t want to hear about how his ALM comment and lack of understanding makes him a complete racist and that it now makes me a bad person for staying and trying to get through to him and educate him, from someone who stayed with an abuser who said the N word all the time. That seems like cognitive dissonance. I’m shitty, but you’re not? Right it’s Alexa who says it makes me shitty, so Ez isn’t shitty, but I am? Ez learned their lesson with P*t, but I’m not allowed to learn my own? It makes me shitty? Or he’s shitty for now learning his mistake and being open to learning more? Like, Matthew was on one of my posts a couple months ago saying some ignorant absolutely borderline racist shit, then started actually attacking one of my islander friends over a misunderstanding he had when we were trying to educate him on what he was talking about, and Samantha came on the comments defending him saying ‘he’s being dumb but he’s not racist I promise.’ But she and Matthew aren’t shitty people, right? Or are they, because Matthew was being shitty to my POC friend and calling him names, and Samantha “excused his shitty behavior”? Guys I’m at a loss here, and it really feels like nothing he says or does can be ‘right’ to you, and so now I’m turning into the target because I’m not agreeing with that.

I’m sorry he’s done something to hurt your feelings and he never made it right. That was between the two of you. You don’t know what I hold against him and what I don’t, and to what degree it’s damaged our relationship or not. My relationship is mine to sort out, it is ultimately up to me to work through whatever thoughts and feelings I have regarding it with my therapist and when I no longer can continue for whatever reasons I have, I will end it. My therapists have been adamant on not allowing myself to be swayed by your guys’ opinions on ‘you’re doing too much work’ ‘that sounds like a lot’ ‘I wouldn’t be able to do that.’ Their response has been: Great! You’re not me, and this wouldn’t be a relationship for you. That’s okay! I absolutely do not need to adhere to your idea of a healthy relationship for YOU, because I am not you, and that’s okay! This is ultimately my journey of healing and figuring out what’s right for me and where I draw my lines and boundaries. I’m still figuring that out - that’s okay. I will be figuring that out for years to come thanks to my childhood and ex abusers, but the way you guys kept trying to convince me is actually counter productive to my healing and serves as a way to put me back into someone else’s box that they built for me. You guys ended up trying to put me in a box you built for me. In my opinion, that’s shitty. My abusers did that to me. Why would you ever do that to someone?

It FEELS like you guys don’t even like me, and have just hung around to try to convince me Kyle is bad and I should leave him, which is so manipulative and means you guys have been.. really fake to me. Those times Alexa would inquire about him and seem interested in how things were going? Feels like you were trying to get info to take back to the group chat and talk shit about me. You’ve told me you love and care about me despite being passive aggressive, petty, vague posting your true feelings about me, and probaxmy saying bad stuff about me in private. That feels fake asf and super two faced. Honestly it makes me doubt the whole friendship, like you never even liked me and only put up with me because I was friends with Ez. That sucks. As much as I try not to label or say people are bad people... someone who takes my effort for friendship while secretly thinking I’m a shitty person for being understanding of someone and trying to get through to him, and then pretending they love and care for me to my face, isn’t exactly being a good person in the situation. Could I have brought this up and expressed my feelings and concerns at any time? Of course. But I think I was kind of scared to, like I could sense the devaluation going on.

Your adamant dislike of him is rooted in something pretty obviously personal from my point of view, which is fine, but your reactions to such have been toxic, hurtful, and harmful to me directly - your “friend.” Alexa chose a side, and engaged in the triangulation and the manipulation when she felt it was justified after he had done something to hurt Ezra, you’re defending Ezra and probably feel like this makes you a good friend/person. I get it, and a younger, less healed version of me would have done the same - but it’s genuinely unhealthy. All of this these past few months has been void of any understanding on your guys’ part for his own journey as a human on this planet, and even for MINE, all due to the fact you decided you didn’t like him and clung to any reason you had to label him as a Bad Person. You see that right? And like, you didn’t have to give him any more chances in your lives. He was cut out of yours. That’s fine. But now I’m guilty by association, because I gave him the chance to learn? What the fuck guys.

Excuses are giving reasons without putting effort into any change.

Explanations are giving reasons for what happened before the change.

Explaining and understanding someone’s psychology and what lead them to make mistakes is not making excuses, so long as the person is making changes. There’s a difference, one I had to learn in therapy. Kai is learning, growing, and changing his thoughts and views and he deserves a chance to do so even if it’s under scrutiny. We praise growth around here, I thought? But I’m a “shitty” person for doing so? I deserve the disrespect from you guys? The triangulation? The manipulation? The silent treatment? The devaluation? What the fuck is the excuse for your guys’ behavior? I’m thinking about it and getting hurt all over again. This isn’t an attack on you guys at any point, I’m just fucking distraught to be informed by my therapist that the people I thought loved me have been HARMING me.

Perhaps you think he’s had too many chances and you’re telling yourself you’re ‘looking out for me.’’ And that’s fine, neither of you are dating him. You’re not friends with him any longer, you haven’t been. There’s no reason for either of you to give him chances. My boundaries for relationships aren’t the same as yours either, and it’s not necessarily right or wrong; it’s a process. But this clearly isn’t about keeping me safe anymore, and I’m not convinced it ever really was. The hurtful, toxic things you’ve both done say otherwise about your concern for my well being and safety. And if you’re only concerned or care so long as I’m doing what you think is right/best, then your ‘love’ and ‘care’ is completely conditional. If you only value my friendship when I’m agreeing with you, then you only valued my validation. You guys told me I deserve better and shouldn’t settle for how Kyle is, but why do I deserve how my supposed friends have been behaving and treating me for months now?

A big part of my therapy journey is learning to see unhealthy and healthy people and put my effort into the right people. I’m so fuckin proud of that boy, and even if it doesn’t last I’m still going to be happy that he’s more self aware and can work on improving himself, he has had a lot of stuff he learned in childhood and his Core Beliefs that were unhealthy. Things make so much more sense to me now realizing that I didn’t choose a side, because subconsciously I knew it was toxic and that something wasn’t quite right. I think that shows a level of growth for me, even if I didn’t handle things perfectly, even if this essay is messy and full of emotion and paints me in a bad light for confronting you guys on the things you’ve been doing that have been hurting me.

Obviously, in my therapists opinion, and something that I’m realizing... you guys have been really toxic towards me in ways that make you currently not good friends for me. Once upon a time, yes, but it seems like you guys started to resent me somewhere down the road and never communicated that to me. This is all of what I’m aware of, that might explain WHY you guys have acted this way toward me, projecting and taking your stuff out on me. Again it’s genuinely not an attack, I’m not saying you’re bad people, I’m informing you guys that you’ve done some bad stuff I’m not sure you realized (worse if you did) and also communicating how you guys hurt me, and what seems to be the downfall of our friendship. I hope that you’ll see it and self reflect instead of trying to justify your actions, but that journey is yours and yours alone. Maybe you’re more comfortable triangulating and getting validation that you’re in the right, it serves to protect the person who did it. But the way you’ve both handled things has been really unhealthy in general, but especially for me and my growth. You could have just said months ago, ‘I don’t feel comfortable being friends with someone who won’t pick sides, or continues to try to give chances to someone I think is a Bad Person,’ and left it at that. Sucky, it would have hurt, still a little toxic regardless, but you’re allowed to set boundaries for your life and they’re ALWAYS valid. You didn’t do that. You didn’t confront anyone about anything, just tried to sprinkle in your opinion of him and what you think I should do whenever you got the chance. Maybe because you wanted to get through to me and convince me to end things with the Bad Person so maybe we could continue our friendship, or maybe so yall would get the satisfaction of being rid of him completely, or being Right, but since I haven’t now I’m turning into target that you talk about and hold resentment towards. Manipulation. Triangulation. Devaluing stage. Discarding process. Instead of bringing up your issues with me, to me. You guys understand how shitty that is, right?

A shitty, toxic environment I brushed off and dissociated from and tried to not let it effect my love and care for you guys, hoping you would understand that the place I’m coming from is one I have worked SO HARD through therapy to get to, and that setting boundaries with you guys and with Kyle was a healthy step in my healing and learning process, and that you don’t know better for me or my relationship than my therapists. That I need to explore for myself what I’m willing to put up with and live with or put effort into working on to find my personal happy, because all relationships are work, even friendships. A shitty toxic environment that has turned into resentment on your guys’ parts, and now started brewing in me over how you guys have treated me. A shitty toxic environment that could have been avoided in soo many ways, by literally any of us communicating properly. A shitty toxic environment that I don’t want to be a part of.

I love you both with all my heart. I will always be rooting for you and your success, and I’ll always be here to genuinely help you with whatever if you need it, not to try to get some tea and push a narrative on you. You did things that hurt me but it doesn’t mean I think less of you or that you’re overall bad or toxic people with terrible motives, you just happen to have toxic traits that came out when you felt hurt and wronged. Alexa, I hope you continue to enjoy therapy and I believe so much in your growth and I know one day you’ll be past the trauma. You’ve got this. Ezra, if it’s still something you want, I hope u can one day find an inclusive therapist that will be covered by your insurance. I hope you guys have wonderful fulfilling careers and relationships. I believe in you guys so much. I really hope Levi continues to be amazing and gives Ez all the love they deserve and that finally they have something healthy and rewarding, I hope the VA helps him and he can get a lot out of therapy and his anxiety gets better so he can live freely. I want you guys to be healthy and happy in your lives.

Please understand this friendship isn’t ending because of Kyle - he is entirely separate from my relationships with the two of you - it’s ending because my therapist opened my eyes to extremely harmful behaviors and how somewhere down the road the negative thoughts and devaluation got to the point that you both started being shitty towards me. It seems you guys haven’t wanted to be friends for a while, and it sucks you drug it out instead of just communicating that. Honestly even if you guys did acknowledge what you have been doing to me this whole time and apologized for it, I feel like you don’t even like me enough anymore to work on the friendship and communicate ways I could be better for you guys too, and you’re more comfortable surrounding yourself with people who don’t challenge your Core Beliefs. It was silly of me to hope you wouldn’t do all this to me, but here we are. Friends come and go. It’s the bittersweet part of life that I’ve worked for years to accept without hard feelings.

I’m genuinely sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you guys, know that it was never ever intentional. I’m sorry for anything I’ve done that had felt like I’m not being a good friend, or to make you think I deserved the way you guys think or talk about me. I tried setting boundaries and being understanding, thats all I felt like I could do, but I see where I could have been better in some areas. Life is about learning and growing, so I’ll take this as a way to be better in my future friendships too.

If you actually read all of it and tried to understand where I’m coming from, I do appreciate it.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 1 | Part.2 “GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK” - Adam

GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK WHATEVER YOU WANNA CELEBRATE WITH GORLS BECAUSE WE DID IT!!! I've offically conquered my biggest fear of playing in any of these games for the third time in a row, i will NOT be the first boot! I also am keeping my own lil personal record of never having to go to the first tribal council of the season which is wig, although idk lmao i kinda wanted to go to tribal just because im gonna be honest, i want to PLAY the game. Right now everyone is still kinda in that annoying honeymoon woohoo go team phase, which granted I do want us to keep up for the numbers, but ... im bored. im trying my best to keep up and be in the social circle but i swear actually talking to other people is probably one of the hardest things for me, especially the whole call culture thing like oh gorl i dont even like talking to my grandma on the phone, like im all for group calls but when people message me wanting to do 1 on 1 calls? uh.... my commitment issues jumped out. I hope that doesnt hinder me in the game because im really trying my best with what ive got to make friends and hope people just dont hate me and wanna vote me out, but i still feel like im not doing enough. Maybe im just being hard on myself, ive been having good convos with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, kinda Austin too, but then i feel bad I haven't connected as much with Connor or Kendall, but i do enjoy them on the tribe. My strategy now is gonna be to just work on my social game since we wont have to go to tribal, maybe tone down my dying urge to just wanna strategize, especially because my first time i played i spent too much time talking game and not enough getting to know the people and it ultimately cost me in the end. But i'm also concerned no one is talking game with me really but amir and aj so like.... i literally STILL have no idea how half these people feel about each other from a game perspective, which is okay i guess ,ill be patient, keep my fake smile on and haha hehe'ing with everyone, but just know i have my knife in my boot and im READY to whip it out whenever. But not tonight, we did good, so now i can focus my energy back on this DAMN TOMB. see yall at 2:29 am on the dot!

YAY. I get to enjoy my first day off EVER in tumblr survivor. im so so happy even though i definitely overdid it in this comp and got too much attention on me but... whew. just gotta wriggle my way back under the radar now

So, I’m actually not surprised that we lost. I had a gut feeling that we were going to lose just based off of everyone’s activity and performance in the challenge. First tribal always sucks because no one wants to be the first person voted out. Luckily, I don’t think it’ll be me just because I think I have solid connections with everyone. Devon and I had another call where he told me I was his number one ally in the game. Isaac also told me that he and Trace want to both work with me. And I’m also in the DADS-R-US alliance with Autumn/Duncan/Devon. I have connections with almost everyone on the tribe, so I hope that after this tribal we don’t lose another challenge cause then that’s where things are going to be tricky. For this vote, I think it would be best for Bodhi to leave. He gave the worst score for the challenge, not to mention I really haven’t communicated with him much. From conversations that I’ve had with Devon, Isaac, and Trace, they also seem like they are on board with Bodhi. Now the next part is just to convince Autumn and Duncan to vote out Bodhi too. If it’s unanimous, it’ll show that our tribe is more united going forward. I think that’s the easy vote going forward, mainly because I think I have solid connections with everyone else on the tribe so I would hate to ruin those connections going into a swap. I have the DADS-R-US Alliance with Autumn, Devon, & Duncan. I like all of them so I’m glad it’s a thing. I feel like I vibe with all of them and it really solidifies that there’s a majority within the tribe. I do feel bad that Isaac and Trace aren’t in it, just because they’re definitely down to earth people. I can see Trace being a threat long term, so I mainly feel bad that Isaac isn’t included. I like the DADS Alliance, the only concern I might have is that Autumn/Duncan seem to be close so that’s something I need to look out for. Devon says I’m his number 1, but I kind of get the vibe that he might betray me around mid-merge just because it seems like he’s trying to play a big UTR game. So that’s something else I want to think about in the back of my mind. Overall, I feel like everything else is self-explanatory. I feel like after the first night, people just kind of got quieter and quieter. I’m hoping that everyone will be on board with voting out Bodhi and that I don’t end up being #blindsided at the first tribal. Cause that would be awful.

Night number 3, ive done my research, studied up on my questions, i basically AM an egyptian now, only for me to get my ass back on the path to the tomb for the 3rd time, only to get all the questions right and see the pedestal is EMPTY. Meaning there's a few scenarios that couldve happened. Clearly I was too slow, and my honest hunch is someone found this damn thing night one, no one has said anything to me, and i feel like ive had decent conversations with the people i semi trust? My first instinct says it could be amir because me and him were both going non STOP on looking for that idol night 1 and then he never mentioned it to me again, which granted i didnt say shit to him when i found it so touche on that one, hopefully he has it and just doesnt want to tell anyone which i wouldnt mind, or aj could have it which i really would hope he doesnt and is lying to me about it because clearly that would be bad because itd make me think he wants to use it against me, but i dont think aj has it. Everyone else is a wildcard, I wouldnt be surprised a bit if connor or kendall have it, there's a reason to me why everyone could have it so im not gonna let it drive me crazy, clearly im just not in the know about it with whoever has got it and thats JUST fine and dandy.... I know how to play this game with or without idols in my possession, whoever has it might have a bit of a head start on me, but trust and believe it's only day 3 the shenanigans have just begun dahling. Now that just means I have to REALLY be on my A game, it'll be a bit of a tricky challenge navigating around the idol, especially in a tribe of 7, but much like everything else in my life, im gonna suck it up and make it work, so whoever you are that's got it, you better beware of me! Because now I know you got it! And if I got a lead that's all I need to cause some chaos, in fact I think im gonna go do that now, I wanna talk to everyone who might not have found the way to the tomb yet and let them know someone got it already, create some paranoia and maybe make sure the target isn't on my back but we'll see, like i said when i get bored i get creative

okay so i'm already really anxious KJLASDF. i really am mad at myself for getting the highest score in the challenge, that was so stupid. next challenge i somehow have to wriggle my way backwards, because being a winner with the highest score? what was i thinking that was suchhhh clownery ugh. well. i need to tone it down 100%

Deep down, I almost prefer losing the first competition for two reasons: 1. You can weed out the weakest member of your tribe (almost like cutting the fat off the meat) 2. You are able to test tribe loyalty from the start. If you win a bunch of comps and go into a swap with numbers, that's great, but you will always be itching to actually play the game. Those without tested loyalty will have a hard time adjusting against those that have been forced to play already. In terms of the vote, it sounds like everyone wants to take it easy and vote out Bodhi. That is fine, but I'm not thrilled about it. I feel like Isaac would have made a better first boot considering his messages are somewhat dry and he has more connections across the current cast. However, it doesn't make sense to cause a rift right now. Pending an idol play, this should be a remotely easy round for the tribe. -Slithers-

cast assessment: the brawn tribe is losers. who the fuck wins a challenge lol. fucking losers.

but i like ali and im excited to play with jordan pines. the beauty tribe is FULL of former allies of mine. Augusto, Connor, Amir, AJ, and whoever else? they're all people i've worked with (maybe aside from aj i dont remember tbh). So far I'd say im alligned with everyone on my tribe to an extent. Isaac and I have a night one alliance, but I think I have to cut him this round... Fuck. I love Autumn and Duncan, and I like Devon and Scott. Trace I'm indifferent to, and I'd be happy to see him go, but idgaf if he stays. Right now im trying to find the idol with isaac, while im not telling isaac that he's gone if he doesn't find it and play it. Ideal scenario: isaac finds the idol and we idol out trace 6-1 ( i want to protect myself from being seen as helping isaac).

Bodhi is driving me insane. First he blows the challenge and now he's like gone on a mad dash to get into the Tomb, which is probably boobie trapped to hell btw. I'm just kinda over him being here like he pulls me aside Day One and tells me he wants to work with me and then I hear from Trace that not only is Bodhi writing my name down but thinks everyone else is going along with it. I hope Bodhi doesn't have the idol; but in the event he does I'm thinking about throwing a vote on someone else to make it a 5-1-1 as a contingency. Bodhi if you read this I'm sorry buddy that you might be a 2 time first boot but I can't help you and I don't think I really want to. I'm just praying I survive this round.

I have not been the best in explaining myself in these confessionals huh… but let’s do a recap for y’all <3

Day 1 went by super fast but the good thing about my social game is that I do make a good first impression on people and I think that ultimately helped me get my footing so far? Within the first hour or so of talking to Kendall, she suggested we become an alliance. At first I was taken aback like MA’AM you don’t know me like that… but I of course said yes because why deny an alliance yknow? I do like Kendall though, so it was nice that she quickly decided she wanted to join forces in the game. Connor and I reconnected from our time in Socotra and we were dropping hints of protecting one another in this game, which was nice. Amir and I clicked INSTANTLY like it was insane how well we meshed together yknow? I would consider him my #1 ally so far and I know for a fact the feeling is reciprocated but I do wanna keep an eye out for him because he’s gonna be incredibly dangerous in this game. Adam and I also clicked super quickly due to our love of skinny legendt herself Mariah Carey and we are basically the same person. Austin and I did talk for a bit over our love of similar stuff which was cute. I had the hardest time clicking with AJ. Overall, I had 2 solidified partnerships, 1 unknown partnership, and then a good vibe with mostly everyone else. Day 2 was big to say the least! Amir had let me know that he was the closest to me and Adam during the beginning of the day. He later mentioned Kendall once the alliance was made. So for me, Amir’s connections are me > Kendall > Adam > Connor > Austin/AJ. Adam had told me that I was one of his faves to talk to so yay for that. Austin had also told me that I and Kendall were his faves to talk to. So… here I am thinking that I am doing THAT in the game ngl and then Connor asks me “lowkey like we’re gonna work together right” which I already assumed but said ofc. He then told me Kendall wanted to make an alliance with us two, herself, and Amir. I am totally for this as my 3 close personal alliances basically combine into one alliance which is nice. That being said, the others were trying to think of a fake 5th member to add and it’s a little early to quickly add one person to it. We need more time to feel people out and whatnot, but it did seem interesting that Amir suggested Adam and Kendall suggested Austin given what both had told me way earlier in the day. I would prefer Adam personally as I do feel like currently, Kendall is the most connected and strongest socially in the game just based on my observations. I’d love to think I am a close second but I could be delusional, I tend to be. But yeah, I’m finally in a majority alliance which is cute. And that’s what you missed on Glee <3

When I tell you that I am SHOOK that I didn’t lose this challenge like… I was expecting to lose ngl so yay for that! Especially since I was one of the top scorers on this challenge… I just hope that excuses my flopping on whatever flash game we get gbhvcnxm but yeah, the thot tribe lost and Bodhi… did so bad like SIR. It is very safe to say he could leave and that makes me sad because I wanted to reunite with him and do some potential damage. I do hope he made an alliance pretty early because Bodhi is honestly a very nice person so yeah. This tribe got told they won the challenge and disappeared like all I hear is crickets nnnn which kinda sucks but oh well. The shitty thing about me as a player is that I sometimes need a lot of reassurance so I just want these people to hit me up first and see what’s up. We shall see what transpires luv xx

The biggest headache of the season (aside from me) is the idol system like I may only have half a brain cell but I’m exerting all its power on trying to find this thing. The clue said to look around and I’ve looked all over the blog and NOTHING like… I do not know what else I could do and it’s driving me absolutely mad luv xx (‘: not that advantages do me any good ever but I just wanna figure it out ;-;

i’m me finding the link to the tomb right after submitting that confessional is a MOOD. k so i put the link in and sent it to the hosts, they told me that “Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb” and after that, the picture I saw had disappeared. So now I’m thrown in for a loop (is that even the correct term? ghfdjsk) because I think that the link/pic is only there at certain times and the first person to find it gains access? It is my theory and i’m sticking to it ofc but now what do I do with this information? I think I will sit on it until I gain access to the Tomb for the first time and then we shall see what happens.

God, I cannot believe we literally got our asses HANDED to us by the other tribes. I actually put a good amount of effort into this challenge so it was a bummer to see that not everybody could hold their weight. But actions have consequences so I guess it makes sense why we're here at tribal council. I really do like all of my tribe mates! There is not a single person on this tribe that I don't want to work with, which makes this whole thing very complicated. Right out of the gate, people were talking about voting Bodhi because of his HORRIBLE performance in the challenge. He came to me right away, calling himself an idiot and hoping I would pity him? I don't tbh, he fucked up and there is no fixing it. I am just kinda pissed because like I understand the concept of procrastination, but we literally had two days to do it and he submitted what, 5 things? Like get a fucking grip idk. So I want him out. It's not a fixable problem for him. I trust Isaac quite a bit. He is def my closest ally at this point. I also really like Scott, even though he fucking ruined me in Maluku. Duncan would be my 3rd. I proposed to them to create a group, and we did. I am hoping that this 4 will help me survive at least a few more pre-swap tribals, but I also feel relatively close to Autumn and Devon too, so really it could swing any way that we want to if Isaac and I are in trouble. Bodhi claims that 6 people are voting for Isaac. I could be that oblivious, but I think that Bodhi is going to get blindsided tonight, which is awkward because how could he not see it coming? Idk, the kid has got some blind ambition lmao. Let us just hope that Isaac and I survive tonight's tribal and then can really this misfit tribe to win a goddamn challenge.

So after my last confessional, the DADS alliance got on call and lowkey there was actual contemplation on whether or not we should vote out Isaac instead of Bodhi? This video below describes me in that moment

So I'm trying to subtlety tell the DADs that I think Bodhi should go over Trace and Autumns the only one that agrees with me on this. Duncan and Devon are like "no we should keep him and get rid of Isaac" and I really didn't want to do that but at the same time didn't want to seem like a dictator. So I told them I'd vote out Isaac if they felt comfortable with that. We couldn't really agree so we decide to sleep on it and reconvene tomorrow. 

Tomorrow comes around and Devon tells me he still wants Isaac out over Bodhi. I'm like "bruh seriously?" so I try to tell him my reasons for wanting Bodhi out but also tell him if he/the group want to do Isaac then I'm down for that. So we wait for Autumn and Duncan and when I get on the call they're telling me they're leaning towards Bodhi which has me happy cause it was what I wanted to do to begin with and I didn't need to make my arguments. We love having great minds that think alike. The big takeaway from this is that Devon is definitely lowkey shady since he was all about Isaac leaving before the call and then suddenly had a change of heart. Anyways, I reach out to Trace and I'm like "oh we're good with Bodhi right? and he purposes an alliance of the two of us, Isaac, and Duncan. Which has me thinking, this could work. I can have Trace and Isaac think they're in the majority alliance to ensure none of them play an idol if we lose. OR, maybe I could use them to get Devon out? So I tell Duncan that Trace wants to have an alliance with us and Isaac and he's all for it. We like being the Kim Spradlin of the season. But then things get shady because Trace tells Duncan and Isaac that I MYSELF purposed the alliance which is not the case. So now I'm on edge with Trace because he wants to build me up as the threat. So if we do lose, I also wouldn't mind voting out Trace and explaining to Isaac that Trace was spreading lies about me which I didn't feel comfortable with so that the alliance of Duncan/Isaac/I could vote out Devon should we continue a losing streak? The only thing I do know is that Bodhi is leaving tonight. Bodhi, if you're reading this I'm sorry for voting you out. You're a cool dude, and I feel bad for not talking to you much until you left. Also I'm sorry for not talking to you about the vote at all today, I feel bad lying plus I was lowkey busy with school work that I procrastinated and finals prep. The only thing I need to do now is figure out how the hell i get into the tomb?

okay so i'm not actually going to tribal but gotta make it all about me and do a round wrap-up? i'm already feeling like this might be my last game i forgot the stress of games. the main thing in this game is that i really like jake? he is SO much fun and i manifested from preseason that i would like him and it happened (i haven't told him i figured out he was cast preseason that feels like it would be too creepy), but i'm just happy i manifested him as a really fun ally and it came true!! i really like him and jordan. also my tribe is scaring me i feel like they want me out and me having an idol does not help with my neurotic panic nnn. for guessing who is gonna go home, i really hope autumn and isaac are safe, duncan too!! i kinda assume it'll be bodhi or devon just because they didn't do too hot in the challenge but we will see for sure

https://youtu.be/LPplZtIK9KM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7EpyCcQVcM&feature=youtu.be