—MAKE YOU SAY “OH” EXTRAS: TINDER
extra meaning non-canonical occurrence; can be placed anywhere in the “make you say oh” timeline after couple (cha. 14) and before the final “oh”.
pairing—corpse husband x f!reader
warnings—tinder profiles, tw: men, swearing.
word count—2.6k.
format— written.
─── ❥ req by nonnie: y/n makes a youtube vid/live stream where she's just swiping through her tinder acc and corpse literally blocks her lmao
author’s note—akldsljfs this was such a funny idea i could not not write it lmao
ultimate masterlist. myso masterlist
You have pulled the biggest brain move by setting up both a facecam and a screen recorder on your phone. All is beautifully displayed and visible during the stream. Your fanbase is particularly intrigued on what exactly are you planning on doing today, seeing as your tweet of “strea” had been a bit vague, if not downright ominous. No emojis. No elaboration. You couldn’t even be bothered to finish the word. Truly, a mystery. Everyone tuned in and are currently waiting with bated breath.
A few of your fans must sense upcoming doom because the overall mood in the chat turns from optimistically intrigued to...evil. It’s an entity all on it’s own now, clawing at you through the screen with various renditions of laughter and devil emojis. A few eggplants thrown in there for good measure, accompanied, naturally, by the scandalous water drops. At first the common consensus is that you’re biting the bullet and going through your camera roll on stream. Definitely an idea worth considering, though you frankly don’t know what lies at the start of the 11k photograph journey, and you are afraid to check in public. Could be a harmless meme, could be a salacious pic you had saved of an OF star. It’s really a gamble. Either way, you would definitely get banned. You might still get banned. Why do you insist on doing shit like this?
Because it’s funny. Because you’re kinda stupid. Because it’s just so absolutely laughably easy to do.
A smile quirks your lips, and while it is not explicitly smug, the look in your eyes sure is, “Greetings,” You utter lowly, dimming the lights--the budget for this stream! Ugh, you went all out, “my children.”
mother i crave violence
sensing evil energy rn!!
i do not claim the energy in this video for myself or anyone else watching this 💖💖
^with peace and love shut the fuck up
“I know y’all lowkey hoes-” Upon your words the chat splits into two: one side eagerly agrees (even shares a few OF accounts! How helpful, supporting small businesses!), whilst the other feverishly insists on innocence. You make a face stuck somewhere between offended and bewildered, “Now c'mon now-I know you. I know you all. We’re the same, don’t-what was that?”
You try to scroll back to the comment but it’s loss in the sea of incoming messages, “I swear to God I just saw-”
Corpse_Husband: i love late night streams it’s not like i have anything better to do.
“COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORPSE!!!!”
rip headphone users
i cant feel my face when im with you by the weeknd but instead of face its my fucking ears
yall think full vol on pc is better?my parents woke up 😭😭😭😭
To think he’s spending his last waking moments for today with watching you (he probably still would have anyway, because you do not posses an ounce of shame or self-control and pester him relentlessly)! It makes your heart sing, and suddenly, a traitorous, fun hating idea barges it’s way through the crowd of incoherent buzzing and states: don’t do this. For some reason it also has the voice of Rae. As if that would work in guilt-tripping you- Rae never succeed, and her fictitious rendition in mind won’t fare much better either.
Still, you thought about it. That must count for something. Corpse will understand, won’t he? Why don’t you want to upset it in the first place? Men look so funny when they lose their shit, like hello, don’t you have anything better to do? But the image of Corpse just sitting there, hurt, distraught, leaving you on seen because he’s in his sad boy hours leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
queen rly went from 🥺😊 to 😕 u ok bbgirl?
Corpse_Husband: no pouts cutie
akjdjoeijdfse cUTIE??? deadass boutta r.i.p.
Well that succeeded in eliminating everything from mind, doubts included. If this was an anime, the scenery would shift into something roseate, with flowers and bubbles and sparkles all around you along with a halo or two. Alas, not an anime, rather reality. The led-lights, however, seemingly possessing a will of their own, slowly turn from deep violet to pink. You smile brightly, like the absolute dumbass you are, and you are met with a ray of heart and blushing emojis. You are just so cute, a real cutie! Still in your disguise adorable state, you swipe your finger on your phone screen, the grin never leaving your lips.
There, among the plethora of apps, nestled sits a red square with a white fire plastered on it. The delicate calligraphy on the bottom reads: TINDER.
The mood changes once again- you’re giving the roaches emotional instability by how quickly everything flips over- and the chat spams eggplants vigorously; some, of course, bravely fight against the thirst.
nooooooo i thought y/n is gonna stream in a god honoring way!!!
^pack it up girl defined
“So, Charlie and I-” You note a few awfully curious comments and squint, “-yes, we talk a lot. Charlie is a really good friend of mine. We’re best friends. Brothers. Sisters. Cousins. The whole fucking family tree-no, that sounds weird. Delete. Anyway, Charlie, being the absolute fucker he is, said, hey, you know what would be funny? And I was like, nooo, what would be funny, Charlie? And he says to me, he says, says, making fun of men on Tinder. And if y’all need any more proof that Charlie and I are platonic soulmates, then dunno, my children, my roaches, I dunno-I dunno what more to give you.”
You can’t be bothered reading the comments, there’s too damn many. You also need to save your reading comprehension for the actual bios. It has a time limit, that darn thing.
“Okay, so I made a profile earlier, but I hadn’t swiped on anyone yet-” Despite the fact, Tinder helpfully informs you that already 99+ people have swiped right on you, “So, this is me,” You show the pictures you have of yourself, and damn, not to be a conceited narcissist, but you look really good. Like if you saw yourself on Tinder, you’d super like instantly. “Uhm, so, my bio-my bio says: let’s sauce in the tub together, ya dig? splishy splashy, giggle giggle.”
i cant believe we are witnessing y/n trying to form a coherent sentence live
shes trying give her time
ya dig??? y not capeesh
what scene from the godfather is this lol?
“My anthem, is,” You laugh, covering your lips with your hand, “Corpsie, this is form you-” Proudly, you show that indeed, Corpse’s E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE is listed as your anthem on Spotify, “Hehe.” Yes, you say that aloud.
Corpse_Husband: you’re killing me
Corpse_Husband: thanks baby
Corpse_Husband: now delete tinder ❤︎
You ignore his last quip, deciding it’s finally time to get this show on the road, “Right, let’s do this shit. I’m not actually going to swipe on any guys that look, uh, decent? Yuck, can’t believe I just said that, uhm, because I-because I feel like some actually deserve a chance with someone? I don’t wanna get anyone’s hopes up, as I am currently in a long distance relationship with Chrollo. So I’m just gonna swipe on, like, frat boy assholes. Because I don’t care if I hurt their feelings. Quite frankly I don’t think they possess them in the first place.”
The chat voices their agreements. With the ground rules set, you, giddy, click on the first profile.
Does Tinder know what you’re doing, your plan? The FBI agent watching you through your phone must be working overtime, bless his heart. They must, because the the first guy to meet you is named Jason, and there he is, blond hair and blue eyes, holding up a fish the size of his torso. Marginally adequate in looks, pretty good muscles. A solid 7 bordering on 8. He’s the same age as you, 15 miles away, and he studies at some college you don’t care enough to look up. Bio reads:
I like to drive fast. Fishing is my passion, but if you can’t catch me by the ocean, you’ll catch me catching waves, bro! Love a good gym date. You do squats, and I’ll keep a close eye to make sure you’re doing it correctly ;) You probably saw me at a party. Leader of the The Phi Kappa Psi. I’m a Gemini, if that matters lol.
You, of course, read it aloud, dramatically; provide some constructive criticism-he seems nice, but he’s a Gemini, so naturally, you can’t trust him at all! Also, that gym date session leaves little to be desired. With your rant done, you swipe right, and shocker! (not), it’s an instant match.
“Okie, I still wanna swipe of some profiles, so I’ll see what he’ll text later-” For a second you wonder the legalities of this stream, but you’re having too much fun to think of it further, “guys, I won't get sued, right?”
NOW she considers it
well....
if you do, we’ll kickstart your lawyer dw <3
Onto the next profile. Kevin, 25, is seen fixing his car- or, you assume he’s mid-fixing it, you don’t really know why else he’d hold a wrench and be covered in oil. He’s shirtless, and the caveman part of your brain echoes something closely resembling AWOOOGA!, but...but!...blonde hair, blue eyes. You pout again, “I don’t...I don’t really like blond boys, ya know? With the blue eyes and all, it’s just not my thing, uhm, unless it’s like-like...Armin from Attack on Titan. Else I don’t care.”
Onto the bio:
You have to treat a car like you treat a woman: go on long rides, take the lead, but most importantly, keep her oiled up 😜
“What the fuck did I just read?”
The chat is equally confused. You swipe right anyway- another match. Too easy.
The stream continues without incident for a solid thirty minutes- all of your matches, expect a few that genuinely looked like normal dudes that really couldn’t write a decent bio to save their lives, had been blond hair blue eyed gym rats with ranging forms of misogyny. Some opened with asking for nudes out right, some asked about your day first before asking for nudes. You prefer the former. Straight to the point! You admire the gall.
But then, down the forty-five minute mark a profile popped up that made you still by your phone, your smile dying as your eyes bulged. Dear God. Lord in heaven. Who is this demonspiit lookalike and why is he so fucking hot? The neck tats, the skateboard, the clothes- holy shit, you gotta close your mouth before some drool dribbles out.
No bio, just his name, Tyler, and that he’s 23.
“He boutta be 23 in me.” You mutter, swiping right with lightning speed.
WHAT DID SHE SAYYYYY?????????
tyler is y/ns karma for relentlessly mocking that one guy that had a whole ass list on what his “female” partner should be
^he deserved it and also tyler seems like a typical fuckboi y/n grow a braincell
look at mom 🥺 her eyes are sparkling
It wasn’t a match right away. You somehow expected as much, but it still upset you. Simp behavior, pathetic. The stream continued bravely, and when Tyler messaged you a simple “yo” you totally didn’t sequel. You didn’t manage to text him back on stream: texting all those guys that you didn’t really find all that attractive was easy, but this...You’re a sucker for a man who radiates red flag energy. His whole profile is a red flag. He might just be a red flag himself.
What can you do? Suddenly becoming color blind is not easy. Once the stream ends, you unmatch with everyone expect Tyler. He you chat with for a bit, but a sudden craving for different company makes you abandon him, too. You don’t feel too heartbroken for him- you’re certain there’s already too many girls in his dms. You wish them luck.
Happily, you delete Tinder. You go to Twitter, notice you’re trending again- look at you go! Queen shit- and as you compose a thank you tweet, something strange happens. You go to text Corpse, but when you click on his profile you grow cold.
YOU’RE BLOCKED.
You can’t follow or see @/Corpse_Husband ‘s Tweets.
...Pardon? You hop onto Instragram and-also blocked. Seriously? And you thought you’re one petty bitch. Corpse is seriously prissy about everything. Damn, if he didn’t like your stream, he could’ve just said so. Didn’t need to, like, block you from his internet existence. So not cool.
You try texting him but no text go through. Well how will you let him know you deleted Tinder just like he asked? You relieve your frustrations by punching your pillow a few times. Later, you apologize to her, you didn’t mean to hurt her, it’s not her, it’s you. Fuck, 5 minutes of exile and you’re already loosing your mind.
“Raeeeeeeeeeeee!” You whine loudly. It’s roughly 2am now, but you don’t care. You’re too heartbroken to care. There’s a thump from her room, but nothing else, “Raeeeeeeeee!!!” You wail, wallowing in self-pity on your bed. You hear a very loud, very annoyed sigh from her room, followed by angry marching. Your door is abruptly thrown open, and in the dim, colorful light you see her scowl.
“What?” She grits.
“Can you please tell Corpse to unblock me from everything?”
“What did you do now?”
“I made fun of men on Tinder.”
She pauses, “...That doesn’t sound so bad.” She surmises, voice laced with suspicion, “What else?”
“...There was one really hot guy that I kinda sorta talked to after--”
“Y/n.”
“-But I totally deleted Tinder and honestly he was pretty boring, so, like, uhm, please?”
She sighs, the servery of which implies she is holding the weight of the world on her shoulders, and instantly you know that you won. She taps away at her phone, “You owe me one.” She states, and before you can reply, she exits your room and slams the door behind her.
Grinning, you text his phone again. The message goes through, oh gosh, you’re so relieved you feel like crying. This has been, officially, the worst five minutes of your life.
You
Y DID U BLOCK ME LOSER!!!
MAJOR LOSER ALERT!! I DELETED EVERYTHING IT WAS A JOKE
r u still mad at me? y u always mad at me i never do anything:(
my husband
You’re my baby, how do you think I’ll react when I see you publicly simping for some asshole on Tinder?
Oh no, he used the words, he delivered the killing blow. You’re finished. Your heart can’t take such a workout.
Not that you would ever admit it to him, though!
You
hehe ur jellyyyy
u always dis jealous hehe?
my husband
Not jealous.
Yeah, you might not be the brightest tool in the shed, but even you know that’s a lie. You send him an array of kissy emojis that he doesn’t have the decency to reply to. Then, completely unprompted and dead serious, you send him a simple voice memo, saying: “You really have nothing to worry about, you know? You’re my favorite, Corpsie.”
He responds via text, reiterating that he’s not fucking jealous and that he just doesn’t like when you show such outward interest in anyone but it’s not like he cares or anything. It’s just really, like, weeeeird to see his baby simping for another man like that totally ruins the whole dynamic!!! It was only natural that he should block you on every social media platform, including his personal number (which, like, was completely necessary! Doesn’t matter that his viewers can’t see it, it’s gotta be super believable!), and inform his followers of that, because it’s all a joke, like, for the dynamic, that Youtube grind, you know? Ya dig? No personal feelings were involved at all. He totally wasn’t upset that you found someone else cute, no way!
my husband
I’m not jealous. Lol.
You
ik u repeated tht like 50 times
u trynna convince me or??? lmao
my husband
No comment.
...You don’t actually talk to anyone else like we’re talking, right?
You
no one else calls me their baby if thts wat ur wondering
at least not to my knowledge lol
im all urs
my husband
That makes me very happy to hear:)
Yeah, it makes you very happy, too.
hope you liked it!! xx
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Hello ur my favorite account😭! Can I request a HC with Tanaka, Noya, Tsuki, & Kageyama where u guys are dating but at a tournament, u run into ur ex boyfriend ( who is a huge douchebag) and is saying a bunch of garbage about u? How would they react? , how would it impact their playing style cause get this- karasuno is playing against ur ex boyfriends team🤭🤭🤭🤭
jealous bfs tanaka, noya, tsukki kags,
hey I’m gonna mash these two requests! I hope you enjoy this was a lot of fun to write!
also favourite account?? me?? 🥺🥺
➣ characters included : tanaka, noya, tsukki, kageyama (separately) x fem!reader
➣ headcannons
➣ warning : a lot of swearing 😳 like there’s a lot, your jerk ex talking crap, scary bfs
ryūnosuke tanaka
- karasuno had made it to the nationals, and right before their game against Tsubakihara, lil ol Tanaka had to use the bathroom
- a horrible decision really, just ask hinata
- he walks in and hears your trash ex talking crap abt you
“Yeah, can you believe it? I saw my ex here, Y/n. I think she’s the manager for her team? Karasuno. Is she really that desperate for attention from other guys?”
- Tanaka is p i s s e d like, no one gets to talk about his precious love without experiencing the wrath from Ryūnosuke Tanaka
- So mans just straight up walks to your ex, “gently” taps him on the shoulder to get his attention, and starts defending your honour
“Y/n? Y/n L/n? The most beautiful, gorgeous, precious girl in the world? That Y/n?”
“Uh, yeah? Who are y—”
“Hi I’m the new boyfriend, and let me just tell you...”
- Tanaka goes oFF he’s not letting this douche bag of an ex get his way, he straight up just goes on a 2 hours speech about how perfect you were
- and how much of a douche your ex was
- Eventually, Hinata finds Tanaka in the bathroom (since his stomach was actin up lol) and goes to alert the other guys + you
- So, the whole gang is here, Daichi and Suga have to drAG Tanaka away from your ex while Noya hypes him up
- You have to calm him down and ask him why the hell he was yelling at someone in the bathroom
“Your ex was talking shit about you, I’m not just gonna let them do that”
- You’re immediately like 🥺🥺 Tanakaaaa you didn’t have to do that omg I love you sm
- When it’s finally time play these guys Tanaka is surprisingly calm, like it’s actually terrifying
- Oh and you bet Tanaka’s going all out he is on fire, he’s landing every spike and you can practically hear the impact on it
- Right after he lands a spike he celebrates with his team and stares directly at your ex who’s shooketh 😳
“Yeah take that! You regret breaking up with Y/n now?”
“Tanaka stOoOoP omg—”
- After Karasuno wins he gives you the most passionate kiss, in front of your ex and you pull away blushing
- Your ex just rolls his eyes and goes to pack up with his team while Tanaka’s looking all smug and Noya’s hyPED
yuu nishinoya
- The boys were getting ready for the match against Johzenji, and were just doing some basic warmups
- You had to help Kyoko and Yachi with something so you weren’t in the gym at the moment
- But your asshole of an ex was talking shit about you, very loudly 😳 and very obnoxiously too
- This mf, instead of practicing and doing fricken warmups, he’s talking crap abt you, and you weren’t even in the vicinity!
- But your boyfriend was, oh and he heard everything, every single word that came out of you ex’s mouth
“Pfft yeah she’s still annoying as ever, not surprised she’s dating the dude that’s 5’2”
- Ohh big mistake bud, not only did you insult his perfect Gf, but his height as well? Like dang pick one or the other dude
- So, Noya can’t take it anymore he’s been holding back bc he’s supposed to be warming up for the game but at this point he just couldn’t
- He straight up runs over to the other side of the gym to knock some sense into the jerk
- Tanaka follows not to stop him (although he is a bit worried 😳) but to hype him up bc that’s his best friend’s gf you don’t get to do that
- Asahi is scared shitless so Ennoshita has to keep the horny tornado in check, while Suga is conflicted
“What the hell did you say? Don’t you dare insult Y/n again! This is why she left your sorry ass! Who are you talk shit about my beautiful girlfriend I’ll fight you right now—”
- Ahem well, as you can see he’s very pissed off and uh he ends up getting scolded by coach Ukai
- except at the very end of him scolding he gives noya a few pointers on how to defend your gf without showing bad sportsmanship
- You witness the whole thing and just go up to Noya to calm him down a little
“Thank you, but you didn’t have to go off like that,”
“Yeah I did, Im not letting that douche talk shit about my crazy hot girlfriend”
- noya stop this isn’t the time 😳🥵
- During the game he is extremely focused and there’s this terrifying aura that’s escaping him
- Like Asahi might actually shit his pants just standing next to him
- Karasuno absolutely destroys Johzenji bc Noya is not letting that ball drop on their side of the court
- After the game, like Tanaka Noya straight up kisses you in front of your ex, leaving you a blushing mess as Noya gives him a smug look
kei tsukishima
- aHEM um, alright get ready folks bc this is a scary one
- So it’s Kagugawa vs Karasuno and Yamaguchi is sort of wandering around with Hinata right before the game probably to try and cool their nerves 💀💀
- When they hear your someone talking abt you
“My ex is here we’re vs her team, I know yeah, she’s probably so annoying”
- Dude Yamaguchi and Hinata have never ran faster in their entire lives, they immediately go to tsukki and it’s just a scream fest
“TSUKKI THERES SOMEONE TALKING ABT Y/N!”
“yeAH!! and he was all like ‘she’s probably so annoying’”
“mHM AND—”
“okay I think I got it, where are they?”
- shits about to go down, when Tsukki gets mad, he doesn’t lose is cool, instead he keeps a level head and strategize on how to completely destroy his opponent
- so Yams and Hinata drag him to where your ex was and point him out, and he’s stILL on the phone
“Mhm, yeah she’s super annoying”
- Oh Tsukki is pissed off, he has this intimidating aura coming from him as he approaches the dude that’s shitting on you
“You’re the ex? Yikes...😬”
- Tsukki will wait for what he has to say and the whole time he just has the biggest smirk on his face, like it’s about to go down
- Yams and Sho are hyped uP but they’re waiting behind the door bc they’re babies and they’re scared
- Mm Tsukki does not hold back, he straight up roasts this dudes ass, mans just releases all the salt that’s stored in him
“Mhm yeah, that’s pretty pathetic”
“Heh lame”
“Wow...I can’t believe she really dated you”
- Yeah that’s not that much salt
- Tanaka find the three of them in the bathroom and as much as he wants Tsukki to keep going, they have to get ready for the game
- During the game, your ex tries to spike and he’s instantly shut down my Tsukki and his 6’3 ass, It’s quite hilarious 😌
- Anyways, Tsukki blocks your ex every single time wiTH A SMIRK, mans is not holding back on this bitch
- He says it’s bc he was predictable
- Later, Karasuno beats Kagugawa and Tsukki hardcore glares at your ex like it’s pretty scary since Tsukki is one to act all sassy rather than mad when he gets irritated
“You don’t talk shit about her, ever”
- SUDHDJD DAMN TSUKKI CHILLL
- You watch all of this happen and you immediately ask your boyfriend if something was wrong bc you’re a tad bit worried
“We just had a disagreement that’s all”
“uHH YEAH RIGHT TSUKKI WENT OFF EARLIER IN THE BATHROOM—”
tobio kageyama
- Um another scary bitch please do not talk trash about his gf when he’s around
- He’s probably filing his nails away from his team bc he needs his peace and quiet and doesn’t wanna get bullied by Hinata and Tsukki
- When he hears a guy talking very loudly to his friend, now usually he’d ignore them or move spots but like this dude is talking abt you
- So, he stays for a bit and listens to what he has to say. Who even is this dude? Why does he know you? Why is talking to loud like please shut the f—
“Pfft yeah my ex is here with her volleyball team, I talked to her earlier and oh my god she’s exactly the same when I first dated her”
- I’m not sure if that’s a roast sorry I’m bad at these
- Oh now Kags is pissed, see he was already a little irked that this jerk was your ex but he was also talking trash abt you? Nahh
- He throws his nail file on the ground and stomps right up to this douche to smack some sense in him
“Yeah she’s hella annoy—”
“Why don’t you shut the fuck up?”
“Who tf—”
- So Kageyama is also unusually “calm” about the whole situation which makes it even more terrifying
- Kageyama will most likely go off and tell this dude that he has no business talking abt his gf like that
- he’ll focus more on dissing the dude and let me tell you this dude’s roasts h u r t
- like his insults are like 90% swear words
“goblin lookin ass”
“long titty no nipple lookin ass”
“get outta here you abominable fuck waffle”
- Imagine this scary ass dude coming up to you, telling you to shut the fuck up, then realizing this is Tobio Kageyama, The King of the Court, the incredible setter that has precise aim, the 2nd half of the freak duo, going off on how you should stfu abt his gf
- oh and you’re facing him on your next game
- and he absolutely obliterates your sorry ass
- his sets are perfect, he blocks every single fuckin spike you make, and when you think he’s going setting to #10 think again bc he will do a setter dump
- basically he’s on fire and tear the other team to shreds it’s kind of scary actually, hinata was sweating buckets when kageyama served since he looked so terrifying at the moment
- after the game, kageyama would want to leave immediately he doesn’t want to see your ex anymore
“You doing okie? Did something happen with you and him before the game?”
“Yep, but it’s nothing don’t worry about it”
- kags you have that creepy smile again stop you’re scaring y/n
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