#olya merlivy fics

[merlivystories]

because two and one is greater than none (trixya)

Trixie could never fully understand Katya. The way Katya’s brain worked has always been a mystery to her, Trixie’s just seemed to work in some completely different way. Sometimes Trixie felt like she finally grasped the essence of her friend, but the realization would be gone like a flashlight of a passing by car in the darkness of the night. Katya was complicated yet so simple, really loud yet unbearably quiet, touchy yet distant. She was all of it in general but none of it in the moment. Sometimes Trixie struggled to tell Katya’s mood, no matter how much she tried to learn all of the signs. She was barely ever confident in knowing how Katya felt or what she was actually thinking about, though she had never had a single doubt about their friendship. 

Trixie would (secretly, of course) go out of her way to make Katya smile, and even better, laugh. She made it look effortlessly, but it took a lot of effort to hide how delighted the sound of Katya’s laugh made her feel. It almost felt like an addiction: while Katya was hooked on actual drugs, Trixie was riding high on her friend’s happiness. Whether Katya was around it felt safe, because though Katya was unpredictable creature, she was a predictably good and selfless friend. She was giving and giving and never asking for anything back when in need. Good thing Trixie learned to feel it when Katya needed her, it was almost like a sixth sense. Though still she could never say if Katya needed her for real or Trixie herself wanted to be there for her, desperately trying to pay her back for all the moments Katya supported her. Trixie never had a closer friend than Katya. They would not only share beds and kiss on the lips from time to time, but also tell each other their deepest, darkest secrets. Thanks to Katya, Trixie learned how to accept people the way they are, without trying to change them. Thanks to Trixie, Katya learned to love someone the way she never knew she could. She never actually admitted it. But Katya did say Trixie was her favorite person, and Trixie said Katya was her trophy from Drag Race. She hasn’t had a chance to talk about it again since that interview, but even after winning All Stars 3 which meant taking home the crown and those $ 100 000, Trixie’s true victory was in meeting Katya. 

They could never tell why they clicked so well at the first place. They both had their assumptions. Trixie said that she looked crazy and was normal while Katya looked normal but happened to actually be crazy. Katya agreed mostly. She had her own idea though. She thought Trixie might have been her spiritual guide, her soulmate sent on her way by the universe to keep her alive for a little longer. That was a selfish thing to believe in and also a little embarrassing, so she never mentioned it in public. Maybe she told Trixie once or twice, but only when Trixie was hammered and couldn’t remember it after all. In the end of the day, they both were just beyond happy about that «click» and reasons never mattered that much anyway.

Katya loved calling Trixie - Tracy, in and out of drag, for Trixie it felt more natural to call Katya by her boy-name, so the minute Katya was out of drag she was Brian, sometimes Trixie would accidentally call her Brian while in drag also. She secretly liked calling Katya by her own name, she liked how her name finally seemed to mean something, like it became more important now when she knew they shared it.

Katya had no idea why Trixie never left her, at least career-wise. She could never be the one to rely on, never the one to trust with something connected to money, never the one who could be predicted easily.  Katya was unstable, while Trixie, on the other hand, was the most stable person she’s ever met. And her stableness was enough for the both of them. Trixie never minded to share and Katya couldn’t be more grateful. Trixie cried the night Katya was all upset and told her she would be better off without her. Because Trixie knew she wouldn’t be so clearly, she just needed Katya to know it too. The «Moving parts» scene when she sat in front of the mirror and cried softly while she was putting her makeup on, commenting on the way she felt about Katya and their work together: «The point isn’t about whether I can continue with my career without her. It has never been the point. I didn’t like being on my own as much as I liked being friends with her. It was never about getting famous enough so that you can survive on your own. It was like I preferred surviving with her». - that one was shot entirely just for Katya to see it, and hopefully, comprehend completely. And Katya did. She never told Trixie she would be better off without her anymore. She still had no idea why that wasn’t true, but she decided to trust Trixie with no questions asked. 

Katya wanted to fuck Trixie, once or twice. Actually, a lot of times. But she knew better than to do this, she knew better than to ruin the bond they had just for a fuck. Trixie could never do sex without relationships. At least not with someone she loved as much as she loved Katya. And Katya didn’t do relationships. At least not with someone she loved as much as she loved Trixie. So sex was off the table, but it was okay as long as they had that mutual love and respect for each other.

There were a lot of things Trixie liked about Katya. She liked her blue eyes, her blinding-bright smile and her newly-done tattoos (she was «so happy Katya has them»). Trixie liked how smart and wise Katya actually was, how creative she was, how she could make the most fucked-up, scary things sound funny. Trixie liked how Katya would grab her palm, her knee, her shoulder, her anything basically while laughing at her jokes way too loudly. Trixie liked how calming Katya’s voice was in the dark room after the rough night Trixie had, how warm and genuine her embrace was and how strong she could be in order to help drunk Trixie to her bed. Trixie liked the way Katya looked at her with loving tenderness sometimes and thought that Trixie wouldn’t notice. Trixie just liked Katya in general, a lot.

The were just as many things (if not more) that Katya liked about Trixie. She liked her soft lips, her long fingers and her thighs. Katya liked how ambitious and confident, how effortlessly funny and ridiculously talented she was. Katya liked the way she let her grab her all the time but never grabbed back, because she respected her needs and always did her best to give her space. Katya liked the way Trixie’s eyes light up when she would have another «amazing idea», the way Trixie’s voice would shake a little during emotional lyrics and the way she would cry with real-ass tears during a dumb (just from Katya’s point of view, obviously) melodramatic movie. Katya liked how Trixie was capable of shutting all the annoying voices in her head and making her worries and insecurities become quite small and remote. Katya liked how defensive Trixie would get about her sometimes, even when not necessary. Katya just liked Trixie in general, so much.

When they met on season 7, they couldn’t possibly imagine all of this would happen. All ups and downs they would share, all of the moments that led to their friendship flourishing more and more, all of the moments that were set to ruin their relationship but surprisingly didn’t. They often heard their friendship being called the best one in RuPaul’s Drag Race herstory. Well, they agreed. 

[merlivystories]

not over, never over (trixya)

Just a short fic about one particular friendship that overcomes the struggles of addiction created with help of my humble imagination and inspired by Trixie & Katya. Enjoy! xx

Trixie’s life has been pretty much the same for the past few months. He would go on tour, do shows, perform his music on stage, make instagram posts and tweet from time to time, receiving nothing but waves of admiration and love from the fans. His life has been the same, except for one piece missing. It felt like he had one piece of a puzzle gone and it’s absence spoiled the ability to fully enjoy the process since he wasn’t able to see the whole picture anymore. That would cause him to forget words to his own songs, cry in almost every dressing room in every city on the tour, constantly make spelling mistakes or leave out words on social media. The craving was slowly ruining him from the inside, sucking out his energy, keeping his mood down and his heart aching. That missing piece was, of course, one particular russian high-class whore - Katya, also known as his madly insane but utterly amazing best friend - Brian McCook. Or as Trixie was quite sure of lately, his former best friend.

No one ever said being close to Katya was a piece of cake, it was, actually, the opposite of that most of the times. The man was unstable, had an addictive personality and an endless amount of terrifying stories from his past he just had to share with Trixie. He could be loud one minute and then suddenly quiet the next one, he hardly ever allowed himself to talk about his real feelings, trying to disguise truth as jokes. But Trixie couldn’t help but loved him. They were naturally drawn to each other, sharing the same sense of humor and feeling comfortable while spending time together. Trixie often wondered if Katya could see all the things he loved him for, he was sure though, Katys was aware of all the things he loved him despite of. Their friendship was Trixie’s greatest strength and biggest weakness at the same time. People around them would say they were joined at the hip, and that has been absolutely true for a few years post season 7 of Drag Race. It was almost perfect, till it wasn’t anymore.

The first time Trixie learned about Katya’s multiplе addictions was when the two of them were working together with Pearl and Fame on one of the earliest episodes of RPDR. Trixie saw something small and round falling out of his pocket when he was pulling the jeans on. Katya followed his glance and hurried to pick it up, but Trixie knew for sure what that thing was. Sobriety chip. His mother’s boyfriend had a lot of those. 

- Alcohol? Drugs? - He wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to ask, if the two of them were close enough to share real stuff, but he did anyways. 

- Both, actually. It’s been a year and a half. I’m better now. - Katya smiled at him weakly, shoving the chip back inside. 

- You know you can talk to me if you feel like it. Anytime, I’m there for you. - Trixie said in a serious tone. He caught Katya’s wandering gaze, trying his best to let the older queen know he wasn’t kidding, not this time. Katya just grabbed his palm and squeezed it in response. He knew and he appreciated that.

Afterwards they got closer and Trixie spent hours of his life listening to stories about Katya’s addictive past. He would listen to them over the phone, in a cafe while eating eggs with a salad on the side, while applying his makeup before the gig and in a dark alley filled with cigarette smoke he could barely stand after a gig, also in hotel rooms, on WOW Presents set, on buses and on airplanes. Simply put: he would listen to those stories everywhere. But he never got tired of it. On the contrary, Trixie was completely fascinated. Katya managed to make it all sound amusing, he has always been amazing at turning tragedy into comedy. However, from time to time Trixie looked at Katya’s face for a little too long and wondered how he’s still alive and breathing. This is what should be called the eighth wonder of the world. At first, right after the both of them just started working together post Drag Race, Trixie would catch himself being worried about Katya’s well-being and wondering whether he could take all the pressure without breaking down. But it has been a few years and Katya always rose up to every occasion, ready and totally able to entertain. And just as Trixie was about to let it go and finally breath out, everything exploded right in his face.

To be honest, it wasn’t that horrible. The older queen has seemed erratic and distant for a couple of weeks. Trixie tried to talk about it but got nothing more than irritated «I’m fine-fine, stop huffing around me, Tracy!» out of him. One day Katya just didn’t show up on the set of their «Trixie & Katya» tv-show and didn’t pick up his phone (Trixie called like fifty times, all in vain). On his way to the hotel where Katya was staying, he texted that he was going to come see him. And finally got a reply: «Don’t you dare coming over. I quit. I don’t want to see you ever again.» Trixie came over anyway, he has never been much of a listener. Katya was gone, checked out of his room a few hours ago. But he left a note on the reception: just a small piece of paper. It said «to Brian F» on one side and «Trixya is over!» on the other side. Well, maybe it was horrible.It definitely hurt like hell. Trixie felt confused, betrayed, disappointed and mad. As soon as he managed to pull himself together, he called Patricia, searching for any reasonable explanation: she told him Brian was using again, she said he came home a total mess, she apologized over and over, promised it was all going to get better after rehab and begged not to call quits on her son. Trixie had no intentions to do so. Katya wasn’t the enemy here, his addiction, on the other hand, was.

Since that moment the younger queen stepped back from the situation, put it all on pause. Their relationships, their dreams and his feelings as well. Katya stopped returning his calls for good. Trixie blamed it on addiction. Katya unfollowed him on every social media he could. Trixie blamed it on addiction. Katya’s first text to him after a long silence was about how much he hated him on the first episode of All Stars 3. Trixie blamed it on addiction. He heard rumors about Katya talking shit about their friendship behind his back. Trixie blamed it on addiction. Never blaming any of it on Katya. He kept shoving his feelings into the farthest, darkest corner of his soul the way Katya shoved that sobriety chip into the pocked of his jeans. Mostly, he could get by days just fine: not to take spelling mistakes, forgotten lyrics on stage and tearing up in dressing rooms into account. But not a single night was spent without missing his best friend, not being able to dial his number and just babble about his life, going on and on about the troubles, feeling “the weight of existing” being lifted off his shoulders slowly. He reminded himself constantly that the whole situation was way worse for Katya, that he is the one who should be strong and patient, that all of it (all of them) was going to be back one day. Could he say the last one for sure? Not at all. Making attempts at predicting things that depended on him only partially seemed stupid, but he simply couldn’t deny himself that whatsoever fleeting tranquility.

It’s been more than half of the year and Trixie’s heart started to heal. He knew no one could ever replace Katya, people don’t really get so lucky in life as to meet soulmates every few years. Nothing depended on him anyway, it was all about Katya fighting his demons and probably winning. Deep down Trixie knew he was going to be alright as long as his friend got to feel better. Thought it wasn’t easy to pretend like it didn’t bother him at all that his next show was in Boston, in a theater just an hour away from McCook’s family house. Nothing else mattered as long as he had the chance to put all his worries aside and do what he loved doing the most: dressing up and putting on makeup, creating a full country-Barbie fantasy and singing his own songs from the stage. How lucky he was to only spot two painfully familiar piercing blue eyes staring at him from the audience right before closing the show? Extremely lucky. Trixie didn’t trust his vision at first, but the truth was - Katya, out of drag, sitting in the audience, wearing skinny black jeans and a plain grey t-shirt, showing his arms all covered in newly done tattoos. Their eyes met and the younger queen felt himself being on the verge of heart-attack. Katya got up from his place, pointing backstage with a silent question in his eyes. Trixie nodded almost invisibly and rushed from the stage.

Just a couple of minutes after getting into his dressing room, Trixie heard knocking on the door. His heard was racing so fast it could totally fall out of his chest any second now. He turned the knob with a shaking hand, pulled it and there was Katya standing on the other side with a paper bag in his also shaking hand, visibly  sweating and looking extremely uncomfortable. 

- Can I come in, please? - Katya asked in a low voice. Trixie stepped to the back of the room, letting him in. - I brought you brownies. I figured you would be hungry after the show. - Trixie suppressed a smile. Mixed feelings were tearing him apart from the inside. It wasn’t right to be in that much pain and so relieved at the same time. Katya seemed normal, he seemed himself. But this fact didn’t erase all those months spent in darkness and total abandonment, without his best friend. He took the bag and thanked the older man. Katya came close to a mirror, looking at the younger queen standing behind him through it. Then there was silence, usually comfortable between the two of them, but this time it seemed unbearable. Trixie couldn’t help but wondered if things would ever be the same again, if the damage this falling out caused their friendship was irreversible or not. 

- I like your tattoos. - Trixie finally spoke up, carefully trying to defuse the situation. He caught Katya’s eyes in the reflection. The older queen was smiling.

- Thank you, Tracy. - Katya replied softly and turned around, facing Trixie and leaning on the dressing table with his legs crossed. - I’m glad you let me in here today. I would be even more glad if you agreed to hear me out. Can you grant me some of your time? - Trixie had never even once in his life heard Katya speaking in such way: calmly, steadily and confidently.

- Sure, I’m all years. - The younger queen nodded. He sat on the little white leather coach in the corner of the room and streached out his lean legs. He was still in drag and his feet were killing him from jumping around the stage in high-heals for the past couple of hours. Katya probably noticed the glimpse of discomfort on his face.

- Oh, I’m so sorry, I should have let you get out of drag first. So fucking inconsiderate of me. We can meet in the alley behind the theater in 30. Is that okay with you? - He looked genuinely worried and Trixie was secretly relieved to postpone this conversation, even for half an hour. Definitely wasn’t going to be an easy one.

- That would be great, thanks. - It came out a little cold. He didn’t aspire to sound this way, but it did. Katya retired immediately, leaving Trixie alone with his thoughts.

It exactly 28 minutes Trixie in his boy-clothes went out the back door and found himself in a pretty dark alley. Katya was standing under the only streetlight in sight, looking down intently and tracing lines with his right feet.

- Hey. - Trixie called out and the older guy lifted his head, smiling.

- How are you never late? - He asked, staring at the watch on his hand. Katya was that type of an “old person” that barely ever had his phone around, but this simple black-strap watch was literally glued to his wrist all the time he was out of drag.

- The same way you are always late! No logical way to explain this. - Katya wheezle-laughed and it hit Trixie how much he missed the sound of that awful, stupid, infectious and painfully familiar laughter.

- Well, I guess you can hear me out now. - Katya said quietly, not a trace of a smile on his face, when the younger queen came closer. Trixie nodded, feeling the heartbeat fastening. Come what may, he thought. - I came to talk to you today because I’ve been told I was ready. To be honest, it doesn’t feel like “ready” to me. - Katya shook his head and took a deep breath. He was staring at the ground intensively while Trixie was dying to look him in the eyes. - However, I believe I will never feel ready enough for this. I’m not good at sincere and emotional conversations, you know that better than anyone, Tracy. - Trixie could feel tears coming up, oh, how much he hated being this vulnerable in front of Katya in that moment. - I came to apologize, - the older man finally found a courage to look up and their eyes met, - there are not enough words in the world to express how sorry I am for hurting you, for ruining what we’ve had. I understand it’s bold of me to just show up out of the blue and expect you to forgive me instantaneously. - His voice was shaking and Trixie noticed the way he digged his nails into his own hip. - If I’m being completely honest, I can’t even promise you not to go nuts ever again. Most of the times I can control it, but sometimes those voices in my head get too loud and I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Though I can ensure you, as long as I am myself, I will always consider you my best friend. So I kind of came here to ask you for something I knew I didn’t deserve at the first place. For you to be a part of my life again. - At that point, Trixie was dead-ass ugly crying, his cheeks all wet from tears and his nose running. The older man was crying, too. The way he somehow always managed to look beautiful when he cried happened to be an unsolved mystery. - I can’t promise you perfection, I won’t promise that. But I for sure will try my best to be a better person, a better friend to you, if you let me. - Katya reached out and stroked Trixie’s shoulder just once, obviously doubting whether it was a good idea to do so. - Also, nothing drag-related. I’m aware you can’t rely on me career-wise and with a lot of done work and money on stake, there’s no reason you should trust me again. I wrote it myself: Trixya is over. - He went silent and froze like a convict who has said his final words, waiting for the verdict of the judge. Trixie was overwhelmed with the emotions, struggling to speak back. So instead he grabbed the older man’s arm and pulled him into the embrace. Katya wrapped his both arms around the younger queen lightly, not quite sure about what exactly was going on.

- I don’t need perfection, - Trixie finally whispered, - I just need you. - Katya breathed out loudly into his shoulder, feeling relaxed and excited at the same time. - Also, - Trixie pulled back a little so he could see the older guy’s face, still holding his forearms in his hands, - Trixya is not over. We both know, it is never over. - Katya only smiled and nodded, not even trying to figure out anymore how he got so fucking lucky to call the guy in front of him a friend. 

[merlivystories]

THE TICKET 2 (ROYSON)

Here is THE TICKET link: http://merlivystories.tumblr.com/post/143732099527/the-ticket-royson

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Have you ever been in love? If yes, have you ever asked yourself what made you fall for that person? Was that the car he drove you on the first date or the bouquet he brought you? Or maybe he looked like a hot guy from the magazine? Or his costume was so on point that made your heart skip a beat? That sounds stupid, isn’t it? Did you fall for his deep voice, for his dark chocolate eyes, for the beautiful smile he had? Closer, isn’t it? But still not exactly the right reasons. Him helping a little girl who lost her mum in the airport. Or him fixing his friend’s hair before going on the stage. Him making jokes about the guy from the audience but squeezing his hand furtively. The moment he cried on your shoulder after his friend’s death. The way he gently asked you to stay away all of the times he was sick. The way he looked in your eyes and kissed your lips before falling asleep on your chest. The way he slightly snored in the mornings. The way he laughed at all of your jokes. The way he whispered funny things in your ear when you were scared. The way he put his head on your shoulder during the concert. The way he smiled watching his goddaughter playing the piano. The way he was awkwardly trying to tell you he loved you for a good twenty minutes. That’s what made him so special in your eyes. He has your heart in his palms. When he is away for his tours, when he is spending his time with other people, when he is on the plane during the storm. No matter how strong you will be, how brave, how independent. If you gave your heart away once, you had no power over it anymore. You have to have a trust before you give it away. Because if that person isn’t being careful, if that person doesn’t value you enough, you will be left heartbroken. You will be lost, defeated and miserable. So, is it worth it? All fears and worries. Why is being in love so important you should take a risk?

 - You promised me.. - His voice cracked desperately through the phone. - I’m sorry, Jason, I’m so sorry. - Roy didn’t have anything more to say. It could help, it could make the most complicated things easier. He held his breath, waiting for Jason to tell him they will work it out together, as he used to do for the past few years. But this time there was no answer, then Roy heard phone beeps in a silence instead of his boyfriend’s calming voice.                Flashback Roy curled to his boyfriend’s side cozily and put one arm over his abdomen. Jason’s smooth chest was such a blessing to fall asleep on. The older man sighed in relish. - Roy? - Jason whispered, pacing slow circles with his fingers all over Roy’s back. - Mm.. - The man looked up lazily at the calling. - We still need to talk. - Jason kissed the top of his head. - Babe, I’m tired.. - Roy shut his eyes tightly, like it could save him from necessity of the talk. The same one they’ve been having in a past year: Jason would ask when will they move in together, and Roy would say he has no clue, he’s caught up in his job and has no opportunity at the moment. - Huh? No round two? - Jason stood on his elbows, raising one of his eyebrows. - I’m always up for the round two. - The older man grinned widely. His hand found its usual way under the blanket as he felt Jason stopping him halfway. - But we will talk first. - He replied with a victory smile playing on his lips. Roy let out a frustrated groan. - Okay. Talk about..? - He pretended like he didn’t know the problem. - Moving in. - Jason frowned at his boyfriend, putting his palms on the chest. - Right.. - Roy slid his hands up to the younger man’s neck, grabbing his nape and pulling him closer. - I promise to discuss it with Jaimie. - Jason tried to roll his eyes at the name of the guy who practically locked Roy in Los Angeles, but all of his previous thoughts were gone the moment his boyfriend leaned forward to his face, smiling playfully as his gaze was glued to his mouth. Loud moan escaped Jason’s lips when Roy forced his tongue inside, exploring him in a common manner. - I promise.. - Roy repeated seductively right into his mouth, knowing exactly how to move and what to do. He made the last step by sucking onto Jason’s earlobe, feeling his boyfriend relaxing under him, scratching his back a little. - Okay.., - the younger man exhaled sharply with his eyes closed, - now fuck me, please. - He gave up to his mercy, pleading the older man with his voice shaking, as a huge smirk appeared on Roy’s face. He knew how to get what he wanted.             Flashback ends. This time it wasn’t a usual argue they would overcome by spending a few days together. This time Roy wasn’t around to shut him up with sex. And he knew it himself, this time he ran out of excuses. At the same time, on the East coast Jason was laying on his bed with a phone squeezed in his palm. Hot tears were burning his eyes and choking him. The long-distance relationships hit him harder than he expected. His love to Roy was huge and beautiful, but also kept bringing so much pain to his heart. They were happily discussing moving in together in NYC for the past few months now, but Roy’s job as a drag queen took what it took. Sometimes Jason just hated it, as much as a person’s hurt could hate something. And now, lying on his bed all alone in the apartment he’s been sharing with his best friend - Amanda for a couple of years, Jason couldn’t believe it was over. No, no, he couldn’t let himself think like that. Roy would fly over and all of the wrongs will be turned into rights. He will come and calm the storm in Jason’s heart just with a brush of his lips against his skin as he always used to do. But the minutes of waiting turned into days, and days turned into weeks, and there was nothing from Roy. Jason was waiting for him to make a first move but it seemed to be never coming. The older man kept performing with his NTS tour all over the US like nothing has happened. Jason saw tons of pictures Roy posted with different people he didn’t know. And for the firs time in his life, he was jealous. He felt like with no calling and texting Roy cut this bond of trust they have always had. But the most torturing thing for Jason was the consistent of unknowing if they were over or not. - Sun, are you okay? - Amanda sat down on the bed next to the curled in a ball Jason. He’s got a tendency to spend all free from the work time like that and it was making her worry. As well as the fact he wasn’t eating much. - Can I take you somewhere, so you could feel better? - She asked, patting him on the shoulder. - No, thanks. - He murmured into the pillow. - Wanna talk? - She laid down next to him. - No, thanks. - He repeated, scooting away from her, closer to the wall. The woman sighed loudly and got up, taking a blanket and putting it over her best friend. She waited till his breathing became steady and took his phone from the nightstand. There was no way she would let him suffer any much time than he has already been suffering. Coming home the next day after a long day of working, Jason felt zero excitement about the strong smell of his favorite pasta flying in the air. He felt a hint of shame, realizing that Amanda’s smiling face was only making him feel annoyed. He was probably losing the love of his life at the moment, so she was supposed to be wiping his tears away and at least pretend that she was sad as well. - You came right to the dinner, I made your favorite pasta and mojito. - If that was her way to help, it obviously didn’t work for Jason. They were eating the meal as she kept asking him questions in a tweety tone, getting the man more and more annoyed, but he kept answering, she was his best friend after all. - I have a surprise for you. - She suddenly said with a pawky smile playing on her lips, extending him a little envelope. - What’s that.. - His jaw dropped open as he took out a ticket. His heart made a painful twitch in his chest: it was a ticket on “Not Today Satan” NYC show dated the next Friday. Jason still could remember how they planned to spent these weekends with Roy. He put it down on the table edgily. The ticket she gave him the last time popped out in his mind, bringing back the painful at that moment memories. - Thank you, Mandy. - His voice sounded distantly. - But I’ve seen this show in LA a few months ago. - He got up to leave the table but she grabbed his hand. - Jason, please, wait. - Her own heart was shrinking in pain, watching the dark expression on his face. - I know you love him. - The gasp escaped Jason’s parted lips. He wanted to reply, but words weren’t coming as he tried to stop the upcoming tears. - And I also know you’ve never loved anybody this much in your life. - Amanda squeezed his hand as he gave up on talking, staring at her with his teary eyes. - So don’t give up so easily. - But he did. - Jason murmured, sounding like a little resentful child. - How do you know that for sure? - She touched his cheek and stroked it gently. - You go there and talk to him because I can’t see you being sad curled into a ball Lana Del Rey trash anymore. - He chucked through the tears at the definition. - Furthermore, I have another ticket, so I’m going with you. I will hold your hand if you feel like crying during the performance. - Jason’s jaw was hurt from smiling even though the unshared tears kept blurring his vision. He was looking at the slim woman sitting next to him, holding his palm in her tiny one loyally, and wondering how did he get so lucky. So, the next Friday, there he was: sitting on the armchair in the local city hall, squeezing Amanda’s hand slightly and waiting for the show to start with his heart bumping deafly almost in his throat. Jason wasn’t afraid to see Roy, no, he was afraid to see unconcern in his native eyes, he was afraid to be rejected by the person he loved the most. The moment city hall exploded with the applauses and screaming, Jason looked up and saw the common figure walking down the stage: the snug dress hitting the floor, high hairdo and the clown makeup in a favorite smiling face. Yeah, probably, for the people it was a hilarious Bianca Del Rio, but Jason almost didn’t get a chance to know her. The man under that dress and makeup - that’s all that mattered. Around Jason, it has always been Roy: in drag or out, he has always been his caring and loving boyfriend. The younger man managed to broke that Bianca Del Rio “wall” the first day they met. Time at the time, Jason would look at him and felt like they knew each other for the whole life. Being able to hold that man in his arms made him realize the definition of such a cliches as “butterflies in the stomach” or “meant to be”. - How the fuck you’re doing, New York? - Jason couldn’t help but smiled. Until that very moment, he had no clue about how much he missed Roy’s voice. His eyes were glued to Bianca the whole show. He spent time catching every single movement, every single smile, fighting the want to jump right on the stage, grab his boyfriend’s cinched waist and pressed their lips together. The only time their eyes met was so tiny it made Jason squeeze Amanda’s hand out of disappointment, and she squeezed his back supportively. Roy used to look him in the eyes during the shows for much longer than that. The fear was slowly creeping into Jason’s head as the show seemed to come to its end. - Since New York is my favorite city, I have a surprise for you all. - Bianca said, smiling in her usual sassy way. - I’ll be back in fifteen minutes, stay at your places. - She disappeared behind the curtains as Jason looked at Amanda questingly, but she only shrugged in reply. Jason was having quite an enjoyable gabfest with the woman when the loud screams and even a squeaking filled the room. He gasped out of sudden when he saw his boyfriend on the stage again, but this time, it was Roy: no dress, no makeup, no hills, no wig. The way he looked in his skinny jeans and black tunic made Jason’s mouth watering. He licked his dry lips and gulped, watching his boyfriend weaving the crowd to go quiet with a genuine smile on his face. They were sitting close enough for Jason to see the dimples appearing on Roy’s cheeks, the dimples he loved to see a lot more than his owns. His racing heart was ready to jump out of his chest as he thought how lucky he was to call the man on the stage “his”, and how stupid it would be to ever give up on this right. - Thank you, straight girls. I’ve never heard such an intensive squeal before. - Roy joked the moment crowd went quiet, causing new screams and laugh in the room. - Okay, okay, - he weaved them to stop again, - all jokes aside. I have something really important to say. - It seemed like the whole room froze for about ten seconds it took the man to speak up again. - As I’ve said, New York is my favorite city. Not just because it literally made me this famous, but also because I’ve met lots of amazing people here. - Jason froze at his place, listening to the man attentively. - And today I want to say how thankful I am. I have everything I would never even ask for and more. Also, I want to say how sorry I am. Some time ago I hurt someone who is very important to me. - Jason held his breath as their eyes met in a tensive silence of the room. - I know he’s here today and I want him to know that I’m sorry. - The younger man’s chest was in pain from the unshared feelings. Roy was looking at him and he felt naked under that intensive gaze. - Jason, - hearing his name said by Roy in the mic almost made him choke, - would you come up on the stage, please? - He asked, still looking right at the younger man. Jason turned his head, looking at Amanda, but she just let go of his hand and smiled approvingly. He could feel the whole audience eyes locked on him the moment he stood up and slowly moved to the stage. Hearing someone screaming “royson”, he wanted to run away, to lost his faint right at that place, to stop the crazy stream of thoughts flashing through his mind at that moment, but then he found Roy’s eyes again, and it kept him going. The older man met him at the edge of the stage, extending him a hand. Jason took it, never losing their eyes connection. Roy leaded Jason to the center and turned to face him again. And just before he let go, the younger man felt how much Roy’s arm was shaking while holding his. - Jason, we had our ups and downs. We’ve gone through a lot of stuff together for the past few years. I love you. And I trust you. - All Jason’s senses were sharpened at the moment. He was thrilled but also worried, seeing his usually mature boyfriend so scared and uncertain, looking into his hazel sparkling eyes. - Because you are the most deservable person I’ve ever met. And honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing between us but only one. - Roy continued, and Jason’s heart started beating in a crazy temp. He could feel the whole city hall held their breaths as well as he did. The silent scream stuck in his dry throat when the older man took something out of his pocket. Jason was looking at his beautiful but scared for some reason face, not daring to look down. - Can I hope to call you my husband any time soon? - Such a simple sentence, but hearing it from Roy seemed to be the most beautiful thing Jason has ever heard. It sent something very similar to the electricity down his body, lightening up his whole existence, like one little match could cause a huge blaze. He followed Roy’s gaze and saw a little blue box opened for him, showing off a golden promise ring. Was that a dream? Has he, Jason Le Vier, just received a marriage propose from the most amazing man in the world? It probably took him too long, but someone screaming “say yes” from the audience impatiently and a single tear rolling down his man’s cheek, the hand holding the little box started dropping down in despair.. Jason stepped forward rashly, catching Roy’s hand on the halfway and pulling him closer. He opened his mouth to say “yes”, but the sound wasn’t coming out, so he just nodded a few times, wiping a tear from Roy’s perfectly beautiful smiling face with his thumb. Jason could barely hear people screaming and whistling since he was focused on Roy, who almost dropped the ring while taking it out and was nervously trying to return the little box back into the pocket. The moment golden rim was safely settled on Jason’s finger he was trying to hold a laugh. The older man, blushing, while desperately trying to put it on with his shaky hands was an adorably funny thing to witness. Accidentally, Jason, who has been trying not to look in the audience before, looked down. He saw lots of people: people screaming, people crying, people standing and clapping, but there was no one who had no smile on their face and it warmed up his heart. He found Amanda and she winked at him with a gentle smile on her face. - Thank you, New York! See you next time! - Roy screamed into the mic, interlocking his fingers with Jason’s and putting their hands into the air. - Hopefully, married. - He added playfully as Jason felt the happiness running through his veins. They went backstage while the crowd was thundering out “Congrats!”. Roy pulled his fiancé into the dressing room and pushed him into the nearest wall. - I love you. - Jason found his voice finally, diving his left arm under Roy’s tunic, wrapping it around his waist. The older man sucked onto his collarbone and then reached his lips. Jason’s whole body was screaming in relief of feeling the common lips brushing against his own for the first time in a past few months. - I love you too. - Roy hissed when he pulled away just to peck both of Jason’s cheeks and trace a short path of kisses along his jawline. Jason was stroking traces on the Roy’s lower back which were left by the cincher latch. It was a normal thing for someone who worked as a drag queen, but Jason loved to pay more attention to these areas in case to ease Roy’s pain. The younger man had no idea he made Roy cry in the bathroom after their first sex because of that little, but so important sign of caring. Since that day he knew Jason was a special person. The sound of his own zipper being opening dragged him from his thoughts. - Wait, wait.. - Jason froze, still holding onto the stretch fabric of Roy’s skinny jeans. - Something’s wrong? - The younger man whispered, bitting his lower lip. Roy groaned at the sight but zipped his pants back up. - Stop being so adorable. I want to show you something first. Lets go. - He stepped back, taking his car keys from the table. - I thought we would celebrate this with Amanda.. - Jason pointed on the thin but beautiful rim on his left ring finger. - It’s fine, - Roy tried to pick his bag from the floor but Jason was faster, receiving a smile as “thanks” back, - she knows we’re leaving. - She knows we’re leaving.. - Jason repeated blankly. - How does she know? - He asked uncomprehendingly, looking at Roy, who suddenly melted in a huge smile. - You’re so adorable while being slow. - Roy laughed at his frowning fiancé and kissed his nose, laughing even more the the way he wrinkled it, trying to squirm away. - Roy. - Jason crossed his arms on the chest in a waiting pose. - That was planned, the ticket to this show, she gave it to you. - Roy explained simply, untangling the younger man’s hands. - Now, move. We need to go. - He opened the door, pushing Jason out. - Wow.. - Jason blushed a little at his own late reaction. - But why did it take you so much time? - He asked suddenly, when Roy opened the passenger door to let him in. - Patience, babe. - He smirked as Jason rolled his eyes. That was definitely one of his favorite things to say. - Don’t you mind if I put it on? - Roy took a red silk wrap out of nowhere. - If you put it on instead of your pants right now, I won’t mind at all. - Jason joked as Roy shoved him slightly, smirking. - I meant, put it on your eyes. - He explained this time, causing Jason’s brows up. - Why? - It’s a surprise. - The older man winked. - You hate surprises. - Jason ducked his head a little. - But I remember that you love them. - And such a simple answer made the younger man’s heart skip a beat as he nodded in the agreement. After about thirty minutes of the ride, which they spent on sharing the latest life stories, Roy finally stopped the car. - Here we are! - Roy concluded and Jason could imagine his smiling face at that moment even without being able to see. The older man helped him out of the car carefully, wrapping one hand around his back and taking Jason’s palm in another. - Can I take it off? - He asked without even trying to hide his excitement. - Waaait, waaait.. - Roy was whispering while leading him slowly, holding Jason close to his body. - Now you can. - The younger man tossed the wrap and dropped it down immediately at the sight. They were standing in the little garden with an arbor and a few trees by both sides of the white wooden fence. A two-floored briken white house with a little garage by it’s side and a mansard. Jason couldn’t believe his eyes, he was standing there, his right palm still intertwined with Roy’s, and waited for someone to jump from the back of the tree and tell him it’s all just a dream, or a joke. - This is.. - He pointed at the house, looking at the older man, who was grinning widely. - Yes, this is our house. - Roy placed a kiss on his cheek gently. - That’s why it took so long. - Another kiss on the cheek. - I’m actually sorry it took so long, I missed you so much during the touring.. - He started but was interrupted by Jason kissing his lips, brushing his hands through Roy’s dark hair. - You bought us a house here. - He said, pulling away just for a moment, kissing him on the neck this time. - Oh God, it means we’re finally moving in. - He exclaimed with his eyes widening happily. - That’s why I love you. - Roy cried with laughter, but Jason just wrapped his hands around the man, feeling his body flat against his own. They were standing like that for a few minutes, just holding each other close, breathing each other in. They would never ever spend this much time apart and the future promised to be amazing. - I’m the luckiest man in the world. - Jason sighed, stroking Roy’s nape peacefully up and down. - Aren’t we both? - The older man murmured quietly in the crock of his neck, closing his eyes. Some people are claiming they’re happy just on their own. Having all possible and impossible conveniences, jogging every morning, eating healthy food and making millions of dollars annually. But they aren’t smiling much during the day. They know that when the night comes down, there will be no one waiting for them back home. Money can’t make you happy, your success can make you feel on top of the world, but that won’t last long if you don’t have anybody to share this feeling with. It’s simple and complicated at the same time. Another person. That’s all we need to actually feel happy. We desperately trying to find someone to give our hearts to and waiting patiently for them to give their back. And if we are succeed, love happens.

__________________________________

Actually, it would be so nice to happen for real, right? (and no matter who’s proposing tbh)

Please, send feedback! xx

[merlivystories]

THE TICKET (ROYSON)

Jason was thrilled. No, he was freaking out, he was terrified. He wasn’t that nervous at his first school day, he wasn’t that nervous going to his first date, he wasn’t that nervous applying for the job of his dream. But this time, standing in his new expensive grey suit he was staring at his reflection in the mirror critically, his heart was popping as if it was ready to jump out of his chest. - Mandy, maybe I should stay? - He yelled looking down at his shaky hands. - No way, J! - The woman’s voice answered as she appeared in the doorway. - You look beautiful. - She made an emphasis on the last word moving closer to her friend. - But I feel so fucking weird, like I can just jump out of the window and feel absolutely nothing. Listen to it! - He took her hand pressing it to the place where his heart was ready to pierce the chest. - It’s called an excitement, baby. Calm down a little or I’m afraid you’ll just pass out when you see her closer than on a TV screen. - She smirked. - That’s not funny. - He practically whined pushing his tie on the side. - Okay, okay, let’s take it off. - The woman untied the knot on his neck throwing the item on the bed. She undid a couple of buttons on his crystal-white shirt and smiled warmly checking him again. - Now it looks a lot better! - Thank you, Mandy. It feels better as well, easier to breathe. - She rolled her eyes and they both laughed. - You must go, it’s thirty minutes left till the show starts. - She pulled him to the exit direction. - Go get the man! - She added before slamming the door behind her best friend.

***

Jason turned around to answer but the door was closed already so he just shook his head. It was the great day and he could definitely feel it from the very morning. He’s been preparing himself both: mentally and physically, for the last month. It was the day he was meeting Bianca Del Rio. Jason loved watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, he was into it since the fourth season but season six felt special for a reason. Maybe, because all of the challenges were interesting this year and the atmosphere was thrilling.. Oh, who is he fooling? The reason of season six taking a special place in his heart was one of the contestants. And, of course, it was no else but Roy Haylock, also known as Bianca Del Rio. He didn’t know what it was at first. Jason felt a huge respect for this man because he was absolutely self-assured and even managed to help other queens. But one day he found himself paying way too much attention not to Bianca’s skills but to Roy’s smile, the way those dimples appearing every time he smiled, the sound of his laugh made Jason melt every time he heard it. He could see the biggest heart which was so accurately hided under those clown makeup and spicy sarcastic jokes. The moment RuPaul announced Bianca a winner of the season Jason felt incredible happy. He even found himself crying over the moment. And then he thought it was it. The season ended so he could peacefully forget about his TV show crash. But he couldn’t. The whole summer he kept saving Roy’s photos, or even Bianca’s, and simply drooling over them at nights. He stopped going to clubs but kept watching all interviews he could find. Amanda, his best friend since the high school, noticed that, so one month ago she presented him a ticket to Bianca’s NYC show. And now he was standing in the front row, among the people who were all waiting for the performance to start. Jason felt the weakness in his knees when Bianca came on the stage. He was difficult to believe he could see her this close, hear her voice, catch her every smile. And every time she laughed. The man wasn’t able to move, he didn’t listen to her jokes, he didn’t want to. All he wanted was to to take off all of these protection layers and see the human under. Something has been telling him for the last half of the year that this person was worth it. After the “meets and greets” Jason felt frustrated. He told her his name, she signed him a paper, they took a photo together. She was nice, she was joking, she was smiling and even laughing, but it was casual. And Jason hated it. He hated being just one of the fans. He hated not being able to know the man under that dress, he hated that he wanted Bianca to trust him but wasn’t that confident in himself. He wanted everything but was afraid to try to change at least something. Jason raised his head, inhaling heavily, as he heard a common voice calling his name. He turned around and saw Bianca moving in his direction. Suddenly, she slipped and fell on the ground. Jason immediately ran to her and knelt down. - Are you okay? - he asked concerned. - Funny, but I wanted to ask you this question. - Bianca hissed. Her eyes were shut tightly as if she was holding the tears. - I guess I just sprained my ankle, it’s nothing. - You need help? - Jason asked still hesitating to touch the queen. - Are you a doctor? - Bianca looked at him sarcastically. - If not, then just leave me alone. - Oh really? - Jason replied in the same tone. - And how are you going to reach your dressing room then? - I.. - Bianca started but hold the breath as Jason wrapped his arm around her waist, put another one under her knees and lifted her above the ground. It seemed like it wasn’t hard at all, he held her as if she weighted nothing. - Oh God, put me back right now! - She screamed but Jason just smiled at her and moved back to the building. Bianca couldn’t believe this was happening. She didn’t like to feel vulnerable. - I surely can carry you around for the whole night, it’s kind of a pleasure, but you better tell me where’s your room so we could take care of your ankle. - When the man said that, Bianca felt something moving in her chest. Or was it Roy? Was Jason talking to Bianca or to the man? That’s been one of the most important and complicated question in his life since the Drag Race. Roy has had trust issues since he remembered himself. But now it was driving him insane. He wish he could tell if people wanted to know him anymore. They surely loved Bianca, but de-dragging every time, he felt himself lonely and powerless as if Bianca took it all away. That’s why he didn’t believe, he couldn’t believe someone really wanted to know Roy himself, so he hated when someone saw him powerless. Jason put Bianca on the coach seeing how uncomfortable she felt. He could see her trying to hide how much it hurt. - Lets take your shoe off, okay? - He said gently pulling the item away from Bianca’s foot. - What the hell are you doing? - She asked pulling her dress down to cover the leg. - I mean, thank you for taking me here, - she added quickly, - but now you really must go. - I’ll go when I’m sure your ankle doesn’t hurt this much. - Jason pressed his fingers into it in proof as Bianca closed her eyes tightly and hissed in pain. - Do you have an ice somewhere around? - Um.. It’s probably in a freezer but I’m not… - She didn’t finish and Jason went there and took out a package of ice cubes showing it to Bianca. Roy let out a small gasp when he felt coldness on the aching place as well as Jason’s hot palm squeezing his calf. They didn’t talk for a while. Just sitting like that. Jason’s been moving a package in circles and Roy had to admit it felt good. - Why? - Roy asked after a couple of silent minutes. - What? - The man looked back at him and smiled. It seemed that there was no reason to smile but he did. And, oddly, it made Roy’s heart beating faster that usual. This man was really good-looking and his gaze was so warm. This time he noticed Jason had dimples as well. He couldn’t help smiling back. - I wanted to ask why are you doing this? Why do you care? - Roy finished. - And why did you want to ask if I was okay earlier? - Jason replied with a question. - I don’t know.., - Roy suddenly felt trapped, - I guess I just wanted to know. - Me too. - Jason nodded. - I want to be sure if you’re okay… You know, the show was amazing, Bianca.. - Roy felt a sting of disappointment. Of course, Bianca deserved to be surrounded by care. - But I was wondering if I could call you Roy. Will you let me? - Jason added unsurely as Roy looked at him in surprise. - Why do you want this? - He asked. - I want to know you. And I mean, a real you. Roy, not Bianca. I’ve always wanted. - Jason confirmed with his heart ready to stop from the fear. - We should have met earlier. - Roy said after a pause. Jason moved closer to him on the coach taking the man’s hand in his own. - You know, I think it’s never too late. - He looked right into his eyes. - So, can I call you Roy? - Jason asked once again. - Yes, you can, Jason. - The man answered as an uncertain but sincere smile appeared on his face. And Jason knew he was falling for this man. He knew it before, he knew it right that moment. The moment he leaned closer to Roy’s face. Slowly, giving the man a chance to stop him, to move away. But he didn’t. - The lipstick.. - Roy whispered when there was less than two inches between their faces. - I don’t care. - Jason murmured as he pressed him lips into the man’s carefully. He felt Roy’s hands on his neck and deepened the kiss letting the man’s tongue slide into his mouth.

***

Amanda was reading the book in her bed when she heard her phone buzzed on the nightstand. She took it and saw one message from Jason. «I’ve just met the love of my life! Don’t wait for me today, go to sleep. PS: THANKS FOR THE TICKET, Mandy, I OWE YOU! xx»