#omg yeah just imagine that postal worker

[shirtlesssammy]

5x06: I Believe the Children Are Our Future

Then:

Sam and Dean Winchester started the apocalypse

Now:

At a home in Alliance, Nebraska, a young woman, Amber, stays up late watching TV while she babysits. Totally enraptured with what appears to be Herbie the Love Bug Cujo on the television, she starts to mindlessly brush her hair.

She hears a noise and heads to the closet to investigate. Lol, it’s just the kid she’s babysitting all bloody and dead with a spike through his head. Well, not really. He’s just a prankster that won’t go to bed. Before the kid will go to bed though, we have to insert gross sexist funnies. Amber resumes watching TV, while dogs bark and howl outside. Much later the parents come home to find her asleep on the couch. Scratch that, she’s actually dead with horrible claw marks on the side of her face.

Agents Page and Plant are on the case! Sam and Dean take a look at the victim at the morgue. It’s there that they learn that she scratched her own brains out. They next head to interview the family. While Sam talks with the parents, Dean finds the kid and grills him. Lol. The kid denies knowing anything at first, but Dean breaks him by threatening to take him downtown.

It turns out that he put itching powder on the hair brush. Sam is doubtful that ground up maple seeds would cause that much itching.

Sam gets a call and they rush to the hospital, where a charred body is being zipped up in a body bag. The man was electrocuted, and the only witness insists that it was the joy buzzer in his hand that did it.  

Dean’s on the case!! He buys some ham, rubber gloves, and welding goggles and joy buzzes a week’s worth of meals. The joy buzzer cooks faster than a pressure cooker and the ham is cooked in a matter of seconds.

“That crap isn’t supposed to work.” Sam can’t believe it. Dean just starts to dig into the food. They think they’re possibly dealing with cursed objects.

They head to the magic shop that sold both items. Dean finds great joy in the whoopee cushion (AS IS YOUR RIGHT YOU BEAUTIFUL 10 YEAR OLD BOY).

The shop owner admits that kids aren’t really into magic anymore, but he did sell itching powder and a joy buzzer recently. Dean accuses him of being behind the deaths by electrocuting a rubber chicken. The brothers quickly realize their mistake and take off, leaving the poor shop owner in a state of existential trauma.

That night, a father tells his little girl about the magic of the tooth fairy. “So some freak is going to come in my room while I’m sleeping and take my tooth? Sounds scary, no thank you.” The father puts the tooth under her pillow anyway. Later that night she sneaks into his bedroom and places the tooth under his pillow. And that girl was right, and a stone cold brutal daughter, because the dad gets a visit from Hansel the tooth fairy and the results aren’t pretty.

Later at the hospital, the brothers discuss the latest happenings of the case. Besides the tooth fairy, a couple kids have stomach ulcers from mixing Pop Rocks and Soda (I thought your stomach exploded from mixing the two!) and one guy’s face “froze that way.”

Dean admits to believing that Sea Monkeys were real (Of course he believed in that beautiful domestic family lie.) Dean surmises that kids all believe the things that are happening. Sam wonders if this is the work of a trickster.

While Dean works on his side of ham, Sam does some research into where the victims lived and finds they’re all within a range of a house in the middle of the country. Dean asks if their motel is in the circle, and then holds up his hands, palms covered in hair. DUDE. Sam reminds Dean that he can go “blind from that too.” LOL.

They head out to check out the house. Sam starts to pick the lock on the door, when it is opened by a little boy. Sam asks his name but he wants to know who they are. They flash their badges, but the little boy takes a long look at them. And I’ve said this before, but I’m saying it again. This picture is my origin story with this show:

Anyway, Jesse, the kid, lets them inside so they can talk with him. Dean finds a picture of the “tooth fairy”. He then asks Jesse about all the cases and finally brings out the joy buzzer. “You shouldn’t have that,” Jesse insists. He tells Dean that it can electrocute a person, but Dean tells him that’s not true. Jesse seems to believe him. And to further his point, Dean buzzes it on Sam. (MY GOD, what if Jesse was just trying to make you go away?) Sam is NOT AMUSED.

Leaving the house, Dean has no remorse for buzzing his brother. They know where the crazy in the town is coming from now. Sam does some research and, get this, Jesse was adopted. He has no father listed on his birth certificate, but his birth mom, Julia Wright, lives on the other side of the state.

The boys go to her house and ask about her son. Julia insists that she doesn’t have a son but when Sam asks her about her pregnancy (uh RUDE) she races for the kitchen and grabs a container of salt. She chucks some at them and they just stand there. “You’re not demons?” she asks in surprise.

Over a cup of tea, she tells them that she was possessed by a demon. For nine months, to be specific. (It’s usually more like 10 months, bbys.) “It used my body to give birth to a child.” Not gonna lie, with all the current news and legislation about women’s autonomy over their bodies, this line is EXTRA chilling. Once the child was born, she was able to gain control over the demon. She piled rock salt into her mouth and the demon left in a whirl of smoke. She gave the baby up for adoption but, uh, there was no father. It was a “virgin birth.” (If anything feels hackneyed in this episode, it’s the insistence on making her an outright virgin just for narrative symmetry.)

Dean tells her, rather gently, that Jesse is alive and is a “good kid.” When they leave, the spectre of a demon-baby requires a call to Cas. Back at “The Liberty” in their Americana-themed motel room (ffs Wanek, you’re killing me), Cas appears, ready to smite the child. Sam and Dean are taken aback. The child, Cas explains, is extra powerful and known throughout the world by many names. But in America, they know him as the antichrist. Ooo JUST in time for the apocalypse! Great timing.

Cas sits down after delivering this message and a whoopie cushion wheezes out slowly, deflating (see what I did there) the situation.

Sam wants to know if Jesse is the devil’s son. LOL Sam, of course not. Don’t be ridiculous! What a ludicrous idea for a plot line on the show. The child is simply “demon spawn” and is hidden from both angels and demons. Jesse’s powers have ballooned since Lucifer rose and Cas thinks Lucifer wants to find Jesse so he can use him to destroy the host of Heaven. Uh, don’t worry, bby. You’ll help with that in the next couple of seasons.

“We’re the good guys. We don’t just kill children,” Sam insists. Cas gets up in Sam’s face, telling him that he used to be willing to do whatever it took to win a war. Cas! Did you not learn a lesson last season? Oh...I guess you were kinda dead for a little bit. Cas doesn’t think “it” can be trusted not to destroy everything, but Sam wants to tell Jesse the truth. Then he might make the right choice to, you know, not destroy the world and Heaven. Cas stares Sam down. “You didn’t,” Cas tells Sam. BURN. (Meanwhile, I stare meaningfully at Season 14.)

Back at Julia’s house, a postal worker surprises her on her porch. It’s a demon! The demon opens Julia’s mouth and in a disgustingly intimate shot, forces itself inside and possesses her again. UGH. It grabs the information she had about Jesse’s whereabouts and heads out to find him.

Jesse walks downstairs at night for a glass of water, only to be surprised by Cas. Oh, Cas is just there for late night ice cream sundaes, right? “I won’t hurt you,” Cas lies with a knife hidden behind his back. He corners Jesse and emotion cracks his face for the first time as he apologizes, then whips up the knife. Cas bby.

Dean and Sam burst in to save Jesse, only to find him alone. “Was there a guy here in a trenchcoat?” Dean asks. Jesse points to a toy on the floor. It’s Cas!

I do enjoy this moment. It’s both funny and a great display of Jesse’s powers and innocence. Later, Dean carefully sets Cas on the mantel. (#Symbolism) “Is he your friend?” Jesse asks. Yeah, Dean. Is he? “No,” Dean says hastily. Come on, Dean. You don’t want to be turned into an action figure, too? #ActionFigureBoyfriends

Dean whips out his inner nerd to talk to Jesse. Jesse has got superpowers, see? And it just so happens that Dean and Sam travel the world looking for kids with superpowers to be trained at a secret base in South Dakota. “Like the X-Men?” Hell ya, kid. If...the X-Men wasn’t set in a grand mansion and was instead set in a run-down used car lot. Actually, I would watch the hell out of that.

Jesse smiles at this thought, when Dean gets suddenly tossed against a wall. It’s the demon possessing Julia! She tells Jesse that the Winchesters lied to him, and that she’s his mom. Dean manages to burst out that she’s a demon before she does the psychic equivalent of a throat punch.

For Pinned to the Wall AGAIN Science:

“Everyone lied to you,” the demon tells him. His parents, the Winchesters… “You can do anything you want,” she says. She tries to tap into his anger and lights flare and a fire rages in the fireplace. “Imagine,” she says. “A world without lies.” OMG ANDREW DABB.

Sam admits (from his place pinned to the wall) that they lied. Jesse makes the demon “sit down and shut up,” so that Sam can explain what’s going on. Sam tells him about the apocalyptic war going on, and that the demons want to use him like a pawn. With a sentence, Jesse expels the demon from Julia. “Kid, you’re awesome,” Dean says.

Dean picks up the little trench coat action figure. “He’s kinda a buddy of mine,” Dean says. He asks for Cas to be turned back.

“He tried to kill me,” Jesse spits out. Fair point, though Dean insists that Cas is a good guy - just confused. Dean puts Cas back on the shelf, uh, literally.

Then he tells Jesse that they’re going to take him to Bobby to get trained. “What if I don’t wanna fight?” Jesse asks. GREAT QUESTION, KID. They tell him that demons will be coming for him. Jesse wants to go with his parents but Sam and Dean caution him that his parents might die. (Um. Shouldn’t the risk be their choice? This kid is tiny, cannot make rational choices, and I bet they love him enough to die for him. But ooooookay.)

Jesse heads upstairs to say goodbye to his parents. (I’m shocked that his parents are real and asleep since this is the first time we see them.) In his room, his eyes light upon an Australia poster on his wall.

Sam and Dean, after a long wait, head upstairs. “He’s gone,” Cas announces from behind them. CAS! Cas reports that the town has been set back to rights (mostly) and that Jesse has left. Cas looks repentant. Hmmm perhaps he’ll take this lesson and apply it several seasons later?? Sam finds a note on the bed. Jesse left to keep his parents safe.

Sam and Dean talk about Jesse and how they destroyed his life by telling him the truth about his origin and the apocalypse.

Dean muses, “I'm starting to get why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is mixing Pop Rocks and Coke. Protect them from the real evil. You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. The more I think about it...the more I wish Dad had lied to us.” Sam agrees with that sentiment wholeheartedly.

It’s Cas! Now with Real Quoting Action!

All it takes is someone talking about an itch, or thinking about one even, and suddenly you can't stop scratching.

That’ll do, pig!

These days, all they care about are their iPhones and those kissing-vampire movies.

So some freak is gonna come in my room while I'm sleeping and take my tooth? Sounds scary. No, thank you.

What do you know about demons?

You're Superman...minus the cape and the go-go boots.

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