#on the outside everything looked perfect but it was so mutually toxic and destructive but we revelled in the self destruction and pain

[hugogw]

( CIS-MALE. HE/HIM ) you know SEBASTIAN ‘BASH’ GRAYSON, right? they’re TWENTY ONE and majoring in MUSIC COMPOSITION? still nothing? well, they look exactly like TIMOTHEE CHALAMET, so you can’t miss them. i’ve heard they’re really PASSIONATE, but super DESTRUCTIVE too… it makes perfect sense that they’re a VIRGO. anyways, if you see them, tell them they left their BINDER OF SHEET MUSIC in class and that i have it. 

hi guys! i’m madison and i’m super excited to be apart of this group? i already love it and every one of you SM so please, do me the honor in plotting with me! like this if you’d like to plot with bash and i’ll message you!

TW: Abuse, Alcoholism

There he is, the Dean’s son and an actual legacy.

For as long as he could remember, it’s unfortunately always been him and his father. His mom died while giving birth to Bash and his Dad has never ever forgiven him for it.

His father is abusive and an alcoholic (that same gene he passed down to his son unfortunately) though he hides it well because…he’s the Dean of the school. Both physically, emotionally and verbally. Since he’s been dealing with it his entire life, he’s sort of accepted it as something that he deserves so he doesn’t really fight it. After all, if it weren’t for him his mother would still be alive. And his father isn’t hurting anyone other than him so Bash has never…really seen the problem. A complete victim’s mindset.

So due to this he thinks he’s a worthless piece of shit that won’t amount to anything and who doesn’t deserve love or happiness. As his father constantly reminds him, he’s just a burden on the world and all around him, feeding to the country’s overpopulation. He was the biggest mistake of his Dad’s life.

Again, he thinks he deserves it and he believes he needs his father. Dean Grayson has convinced him that he wouldn’t survive a minute in the world without him. Bash is just…delusional and as much as he hates his Dad, he grossly respects and values his opinion. After all he doesn’t know better and doesn’t know anything more.

His father shielded him from a normal childhood too. He was homeschooled and had very few school friends. It wasn’t until high school where he was suddenly thrust into the social scene and let’s just say he didn’t adjust well.

On the frequent occasions where his father beats him to where it’s visible, Bash will usually go to a bar and elicit a fight to get more flesh wounds apparent so that he has an alibi. So basically everyone at Somerset just thinks he’s a drunken troublemaker who gets into a shit ton of fights. Which like…isn’t wrong. He is drunk or high 99% of the time and he’s getting into fights.

At least when he gets hit, he feels something. Whereas he’s gotten so good at numbing and shoving down any sort of feelings. Shout out to liquor!

He’s always loved music, it’s his sole happy place and when his fingers are gracing that of a piano it’s like…he’s transported away from the bullshit. As lame as it sounds, he feels like his piano is his only and last connection to his Mom. She used to play and when he plays, he feels like he’s playing for her and to her like…spiritually. He can feel her when he’s writing, composing and playing. She gives him the music and he puts it to paper.

Also gay af.

ALSO DO NOT CALL HIM SEBASTIAN. it’s a massive fucking trigger for him! it’s what his dad always calls him before he’s about to beat the shit out of him. i mean you can but he won’t react great.

PERSONALITY WISE:

He’s a sarcastic asshole who tries to act all tough but who is severely craving human intimacy and companionship. When people start to get close and he starts to trust them, he panics, literal panic attacks that cause him to just snap and do everything he can to push that person FAR away and out of his life. He’s really smart but he doesn’t think so which means he doesn’t apply himself. Doesn’t really trust anyone. Will party and sometimes when he’s really high he’ll like…relax and cut loose and be real with people but then the next day he’ll deny it ever happened.

PLOTS:

In simple terms: FWB, Exes that he probably cheated on or pushed away, Hook ups, Friends, Study buddies, party buddies, smoking buddies, reckless shithead buddies etc.

MORE DETAILED PLOTS:

ROMANTIC/PHYSICAL:

[ current | fwb ] muse a and muse b met through mutual friends and quickly hit it off as friends. offhandedly one day, muse a mentioned something one day that muse b quickly turned sexual. they locked eyes and the next minute they were in a room, locked away, undressing each other. after exiting the room, the two agreed that it would never happen again…until a few days later, when it did. they keep saying they won’t come back for more.

[ current | just do it already ] muse a and muse b have been in love with each other for like, ever. neither of them are willing to admit it though, even to themselves. their friends are constantly joking about it and they both wave it off – but when one isn’t looking, anyone could see the adoration in the other’s face with ease.

[ past | dating ] muse a and muse b were the kind of people that immediately rejected each other, going to other people instead. then muse a found themselves in a room with their ex and pulled muse b aside to ask them to fake being their significant other for the night. over the next few hours, their fake date became a real one and soon things progressed into a relationship.

[ previous | friends…i guess? ] muse a and muse b were friends prior to their spontaneous hook-up and their world turned upside down. dazed, they decided to start dating that moment and to their credit, tried to make it work for a few weeks. muse a finally ( and nervously ) let out that they weren’t feeling it. to their relief, muse b admitted they were feeling the same. they decided to stay friends, but now have the added “i’ve seen you naked” awkwardness.

[ previous/current | on again, off again ] muse a and muse b love each other, but their relationship is toxic so they are constantly on and off. they always get along as friends, but the second they became lovers something always changes. they care a lot about each other, but something always goes awry.

[ your choice | hook up ] muse a recently broke up with their significant other, and in their post-breakup state got some revenge by hooking up with their ex’s best friend, muse b. neither expected the night to be so…memorable. your choice on what they do about it.

PLATONIC:

[ positive | two way street ] muse a and muse b frequent the same coffee shop and often made casual hellos to each other until the coffee shop raised their prices. muse a went to order their usual drink and lifted their eyes in surprise at the new price, hand helplessly prepared to hand over exact change. muse b quickly swooped in and saved the day, buying both of their coffees. next time they were both in the shop, muse a paid for muse b’s drink. they flip who pays each time as some sort of game now, but they’ve only had minor conversation as one or the other always seems to be in a rush.

[ positive | friends ] when muse a moved in, they didn’t expect to see muse b climbing up/standing on the fire escape right outside their living room window. they went to confront muse b and scared them, making both fear for the life of muse b for a moment. apologetic, muse a invited muse b in and the two connected almost immediately. ( muse b may or may not have explained their presence on the fire escape during this conversation // reason could have been that they knew who lived in muse a’s apartment before but didn’t know that they moved )

[ current | platonic or romantic ] *tw: alcohol. muse a and muse b met at a bar. throughout the night, muse b got more and more inebriated. being the good ( or bad ) samaritan they are, muse a decides to take muse b back to their house before they end up on the floor. when they arrive at muse a’s building/house, muse b ( loudly ) asks muse a how the heck ! muse a knew where they lived. turns out – they live a mere few floors/doors/houses away from each other.

[ current | platonic ] muse a is an extrovert – so much so that when muse b started moving in, they didn’t even wait for the moving truck to pull away before introducing themselves. in fact, muse a even started helping unload the truck without being asked. ( BONUS: muse b was super grateful for the help and their relationship is great // muse b is Grumpy™ and was annoyed that muse a started helping without asking and their relationship is tense. )

[oftwitz-saved]

( WORK FRIEND ) anita alessi ( 21 / she/her ): cis-female & mallory’s coworker at the bookstore. ( amanda arcuri ) ( B / 21 / SHE/HER )

*Hello my loves! I’m B, aka your neighborhood est bean, here with my mighty munchkin child Anita. I’m super excited to plot and rp with y’all so please head under the cut if you’d like to read her (messy) intro.* ➘

❥ 𝔹𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤:

Full Name: Anita Noemi Alessi

Nicknames: An, Ana, Nita, munchkin, etc.

Birthday: August 3

Zodiac Sign: Leo

Age: 21

Gender: Cis Female (She/Her)

Place Of Birth: New York City 

Sexuality: Bicurious

Occupation: Bookstore Clerk/Freelance Illustrator 

Hobbies: Reading, drawing/painting, partying, & listening to music.

Positive Traits: Easygoing, empathetic, adaptable, creative, independent, & dedicated.

Negative Traits: Rebellious, naive, lonely, self conscious, fickle, & candid.

Tv Trope: The BlackSheep (?)

Archetype: The Paradox (?)

❥ ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℂ𝕠𝕦𝕡𝕝𝕖:

Mallory: They were coworkers at the bookstore that did not get along by any means. Anita couldn’t stand Mallory’s demanding nature and steered clear of her every chance she got. Apart from working together, the two were practically strangers.

Grant: They met once at her workplace when he showed up looking for Mallory. The two shared a short conversation and his seemingly kind and polite nature left a good impression on Anita. It left her wondering why such a nice guy would want to date someone as apparently difficult as Mallory.

❥ ℍ𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕣𝕪 𝕆𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨:

She was born in NYC to renowned judge, Carina Alessi, and an unrevealed lover. Carina raised her daughter on her own and Anita never knew her father, whom her mother refuses to speak of. 

Anita’s uptight mother was always very strict and tried to instill "traditional" values on her. She always implored that Yael do well in school, avoid trouble, stay away from bad influences, and eventually get a reputable/practical job (doctor, lawyer, teacher, etc.). Anita was essentially encouraged to be obedient and "perfect" by her mother, a task she completed for the most part. She kept her grades up, tried to stay out of trouble, developed very few friendships, and essentially did as she was told. 

That is, until she crossed paths with her troubled classmate in her last year of high school (ex WC). Having always strived to be a "good girl" he was outer-worldly to Anita. He was everything her mother told her to avoid in a guy, yet Anita couldn't help but be smitten. Although she wouldn't admit it, everything from his rebellious nature to his seemingly easygoing personality intrigued her. After some time of him persistently attempting to pursue her, Anita finally admitted her mutual attraction, initiating their relationship. Through him, Anita learned to embrace her individuality and be more open minded. He also introduced her to things like partying, art, which she developed a passion for, and music, that she she was encouraged to ignore by her mother. 

Anita began to change significantly as a person after entering this relationship. She took up an edgier sense of style, started to pay less attention to school, focused more on spending time with her boyfriend, took up art, and became much more outspoken. This drastic change in her overall self caused her to constantly be at odds with her mother, who was unhappy with the person her daughter had become. After almost an entire year of continual fighting, Anita’s mother ultimately made her choose between her or boyfriend, who she blamed for her daughter's changes. While she put off the decision for a while, Anita ended up choosing her boyfriend over her mother after entering a nasty verbal fight with the latter. Emotionally devastated, Anita packed up her things that night and ran off her boyfriend. The pair used Anita’s saved up college fund to move into a quaint apartment on the other side of town. 

Things went smoothly for them for about a year, the two worked hard to make money to support themselves, with Anita taking a part time job at the bookstore while also working as an illustrator on the side. That is, until she caught him cheating on her and their entire relationship fell apart.

Since they’ve gone their separate ways, Anita has been working harder than ever to support herself. She’s also taken to partying and the occasional random hookups in order to fill the void of loneliness she now feels.

❥ 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕤 𝔻𝕦𝕞𝕡:

Anita is the spunky artist 

She’s is an independent individualist, who has built herself off of her originality and "artistic integrity.” She takes pride in the things that make her unique and doesn't mind standing out from the crowd. 

Her dislike of conformity tends to make her an outsider amongst others. 

While not particularly outgoing, she is quite opinionated and is never afraid to speak her mind. This gets her into trouble from time to time.

Notes creativity as her greatest strength 

She has an impressive attention to detail, especially when it comes to her work

A free spirit, Anita isn't one to be weighed down by the troubles of life. She always remains true to herself regardless of the situation or the opinions of others. In this way, she strives to live her life to the fullest, but can be quite stubborn. 

Tiny but mighty with an attitude to boot

Her hair color changes more often than anyone can recall

Very open minded to the point where it might be problematic

Is secretly a hopeless romantic but has terrible luck when it comes to love

Acts confident but is very self conscious 

Looks sweet but would probably fight you

❥ 𝔽𝕒𝕧𝕖𝕤:

Favorite Color: Baby Pink 

Favorite Drink: Hard Lemonade 

Favorite Film: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Favorite Story: The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe

Favorite Fictional Character: Nell Crain

Favorite Poem: Alone by Edgar Allan Poe

Favorite Food: Beef Empanadas 

Favorite Dessert: Fudge Ice Cream

Favorite Flower: Peony

❥ 𝕎𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 ℂ𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤:

*Ex Boyfriend: They met in high school. She was the quirky good girl, he was the troubled bad boy and just like magnets they clicked. He brought out the real her and helped her realize her dreams. As easily as they clicked they also clashed, mainly over money and commitment (he was lazy, didn’t want to work, and expected her to be faithful when he wasn’t). They were together for roughly two years until the relationship finally fell apart due to his cheating. Even after everything Anita never really got over him completely. (For inspo think of Cook if he ended up with Pandora??) *He’d likely be either 21 or 22 by now. : OPEN

Best Friends (1/3 spots taken): Anita isn’t the kind of girl to have a large group of friends. She mainly just keeps a small tight knit circle of people she considers her true friends. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Other Acquaintances (Unlimited): People she’s friendly with but not close enough to officially consider a friend. *No prerequisites : OPEN

F. R. I. E. N. D. Zone (Unlimited): People Anita put in the friend zone or vice versa. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Rebound (0/1 spot taken): Only get together when they break up with someone, or get their heart broken. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Toxic Friend (0/1 spot taken): A bad influence that encourages her to do bad things, potentially self destructive. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Cat & Mouse (0/1 spot taken): They basically chase after each other, back and forth, but it’s never really gone anywhere. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Party Friend (0/1 spot taken): They really only hang out when there’s a party or event to attend. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Past Hookups (Unlimited): Let’s just say she gets around from time to time. *No prerequisites : OPEN

Rival (0/1 spot taken): More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

Polyship(?): More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

*Slow Burn: Let it be slow and sweet. More TBA *No prerequisites : OPEN

Congrats and kisses if you’ve made it this far! Feel free to hmu if you’d like to plot or just give this a like and I’ll slide into your dms instead!

[myhahnestopinion]

The Night A TRULY NUCLEAR FAMILY Came Home: PLUTONIUM BABY (1987)

With the world’s arsenal of nuclear weapons being slowly, yet surely, placed under the collective hands of petulant, narcissistic, short-sighted nitwits, the threat of a radioactive Armageddon has once again skyrocketed to the top of anxiety-inducing concerns for the global community. Some would tell you not to worry about the ever-present existential threat of mutually assured destruction, insisting that cooler head will prevail, but their calm in the face of this terrible peril is perhaps because they do not know the true danger that nuclear destruction will unleash. Few do. Sure, the obliteration of most of the human race and the complete destruction of the environment would be horrible, but the truly horrifying fate that awaits us out there… is the Plutonium Baby.

Yes, Plutonium Baby truly is a terrifying movie. Like the Old Ones of Lovecraftian lore, Plutonium Baby is guaranteed to drive all those who merely gaze upon it to be driven mad, unable to cope with the existential crises it raises. For the rest of their life, the viewer will be haunted by the questions raised by Plutonium Baby.

Yes, questions like, “How the hell did this movie get made? Like, the people involved have seen a movie before, right? They know what a movie looks like, right? They know what a sensible story structure looks like, right? It’s pretty much impossible to go through life, and especially to be involved with film, and to have never been confronted with a reference point for what a story looks like, so, how, for the love of Cthulhu, does a film like this get made without anyone realizing what an absolute piece of garbage it is?”

Questions like those will haunt me for the rest of my days.

Plutonium Baby, like many films, begins with a bit of reading. Though, perhaps because of the screenwriter’s embarrassment at his apparent illiteracy, the words scroll by at break-neck speed, gone before one can make out but a few words. All I could make out was that, in 1965, a baby was born who “glows in the dark,” but such a plot point does not actually exist in the film itself.

We open on a young flannel-wearing boy named Danny traversing through a forest, a scene that holds all the production value of secretly shooting in your local park. As he frolics through the trees to the sounds of the one 80′s garage band that was desperate enough to loan this film their music, Danny stumbles upon a work site. The construction workers pause their digging to sit, and then magically disappear between cuts, giving Danny the perfect opportunity to investigate an unearthed barrel of toxic waste.

Yes, we are once again looking at a film all about horribly conspicuous barrels of toxic waste. You see, Troll 3! This is what happens when you just push your problems out of sight instead of dealing with them! It just means that someone else is going to have to end up dealing with it!

As Danny opens up the barrel, a black spot on his neck begins to rapidly inflate and deflate. There’s a blinding light, and Danny is knocked unconscious. Luckily, he is discovered by his grandfather, Hank Adkins, who finds the locket of Danny’s mother inside the barrel. “Everything is going to be alright now,” he says, as he cradles Danny in his arms.

I certainly wish I could believe Danny’s grandfather, but, well, we’re like five minutes into this dreck, and I’ve already been forced to rewind the film several times in an attempt to figure out what the hell is happening and also pause the film on multiple occasions so that I can stare blankly at a wall and question everything I’m doing in life, so, um, no, I don’t believe that everything is going to be alright now.

We cut, and are introduced to Dr. Blake, a man who we know is a doctor because he always wears his lab coat, whether at work, at home, or in a forest. A man in a black suit comes into his apartment and states, “I’m with the Organization,” the kind of non-descript introduction that sounds like someone trying to trick a store clerk into giving them a discount. This Organization man has some urgent news about a court case involving Dr. Blake being reopened. “Hank Adkins has found some new incriminating evidence showing that his daughter, Emily, was murdered by the organization at the power plant.”

One wonders how it has taken 12 years to find evidence of this fact, when, as Dr. Blake is being told that two witnesses corroborate Hank’s evidence, the film cuts to scenes of these two witnesses being gun down in broad daylight by the Organization’s men. The company apparently works under the mindset of “There won’t be any witnesses if we murder all the witnesses.” Though given the overall incompetence they have exuded in just their introductory scene, their efforts undoubtedly just created many more witness, meaning this cover-up will soon have to exponentially increase to murdering everybody on the planet if they want to keep this under wraps. 

You know, I said that the people from Troll 3 were worse at covering up criminal conspiracy than the Trump Administration, and I regret that statement… but only because this is now my new low for most inept cover-up ever.

Back in the forest, we’re introduced to a group of teenagers ready to camp. There’s couple Brad and Wendy, and couple Ken and Diane. Brad and Wendy sneak off the campsite to have sex with their underwear on, the latest fad. Brad is bitten by a radioactive rabbit creature. Ken and Diane head off to have sex as well, but are interrupted by a spying Danny. Ken forgives Danny for spying on them after he realizes he once met Grandpa Hank in these very woods many years ago. Yep, as the saying goes, “Meet a random old hermit who lives in the woods with his radioactive grandchild once, and the two of you will be friends for life.”

Wait, that’s not a saying? Huh. Could have sworn…

The film gives us a few scenes to help develop the relationship between Danny and Grandpa Hank. First, we watch them struggle for two hours, a time-frame that they later brag about, to catch a four-inch fish, which Danny promptly eats whole. Then, Grandpa Hank helpfully teaches Danny all about consent after Danny grabs Diane’s breast when he first meets her. It’s a valuable lesson, even if Hank’s rationale is “women have different parts than men,” and not, “Holy hell, Danny, other people are human beings and you shouldn’t be touching anybody without their permission, regardless of bodily features,” but, eh, Dany seems to understand well enough.

The development of this dynamic is important because Grandpa Hank is, sadly, not long for this world. Danny decides to hang out with the teenager he sexually assaulted, which everyone agrees is fine. Hank simply reminds Danny that he needs to go to town later so he can deliver a “very important letter.” The letter, as it turns out two lines of dialogue later, is not in fact that important, as, when Danny walks away with the letter unknowingly in his pocket, Hank decides that it’s pointless to call after him. Well, the guy did exhaust himself catching that four-inch fish earlier, so let’s give him a break, shall we?

Dr. Blake and the Organization men, after discovering some forever unexplained dead bodies in the forest, ambush Hank outside of his cabin. Blake demands that Hank sign a release form while holding him at gunpoint. This is of course totally going to hold up in court because... well, do we trust the word of an old man, who lives in the woods alone, or this doctor, who has now killed or threatened all the witness against him in very public fashion? Obviously, we’re going to trust the man with a lab coat!

Blake demands that Hank reveal what new evidence has been revealed, because this was apparently not information that Blake wanted to learn before holding the man at gunpoint. “The locket,” Hank responds. “I found it in a canister which had been buried before you had that old research plant where you buried her body after you killed her with those lousy experiments.���

I had to rewind the movie several times, write that sentence down, and reread it over and over again, and I still have absolutely no clue what it means, let alone how this is evidence that this Organization killed his daughter.

When Danny unexpectedly stumbles upon this hostage situation, Hank breaks free to warn him to stay away, and is promptly shot in the back by Blake’s men. “Guess I don’t need this release anymore,” Blake says, tearing up the recently signed documents. You know, after yesterday’s movie, I do appreciate a villain who realizes he doesn’t need to fill out paperwork if his goal is to just murder the person. I just don’t understand why they were even trying to do this (semi-) legally in the first place, when their whole “murder all the witnesses” plan was, somehow, going completely smoothly.

But seriously... Blake forces him to sign the papers… then just kills him and rips them up… …I just… this movie is just trolling me at this point, right…? Like, it has to be…?

Danny runs away and alerts the teenagers to the murder. They all decide that Danny must be telling the truth because he has blood on his shirt, which is, quite sadly, the most sensible example of evidence this film has shown yet. The five characters run off, with the organization men in pursuit.

The characters flag down a van for help, but two men jump out from the van and kidnap Diane and Wendy. The van drives off, but the kidnappers are attacked by a radioactive decomposing woman. Diane and Wendy escape the van, and reunite with the rest of the campers. That’s a subplot! These scenes could be completely cut out and the movie would literally not change in any way. This blog would have worked just as well without even bringing it up, too. So why did I bring it up? Because I need you guys to understand just how much of a complete waste of time this film is!

The group decide to camp out for the night, and discover that weird lumps and growths are appearing on Brad’s arm. “Maybe it was something you ate?” suggests Wendy. Yes, yes, could be that. Could also be THE FACT THAT HE WAS BITTEN BY A RANDOM MUTANT RABBIT LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO, which is what Wendy ends up guessing the second time around. Said mutant rabbit is also captured by Danny after he starts a fire with his hands, but neither of these points end up being relevant.

There’s also tension in the group when the teenagers find and open Hank’s letter, apparently addressed to simply “The Supreme Court,” which details how Hank’s daughter, Emily, lost a child to her radioactive sickness. Ken and Wendy conclude that this must have been another grandchild of Hank’s. Brad suggests that the stillborn child actually survived and grew up to be Danny. Despite the fact that Brad’s conclusion is based on conjecture and a prejudice against people with birthmarks, it turns out that he is right. (DISCLAIMER: This Clever Blog Name Is Already Taken does not condone Brad’s views on people with birthmarks. Some, I assume, are good people.)

The story then hurtles towards a climax that’s just as nonsensical and unexplained as you would expect given the film so far. Brad goes crazy from the rabbit bite and kills Diane. The group returns to Hank’s cabin and are ambushed, because, well, duh. They’re about to be shot, when Brad shows up and kills some more people before being killed himself. Danny is held hostage by Blake, but then the radioactive decomposing woman shows up again, and is revealed to be Danny’s mother, Emily. Blake attempts to run from Emily, but almost immediately falls into a random toxic waste barrel wedged between some random rocks, and is sealed up inside, but not before Emily is shot and dies from the wounds.

And so, all our plot threads and mysteries are, more or less, solved. Well, solved, if you ignore insignificant questions like “What experiments were the Organization trying to cover up?”, “What is the Organization anyway?”, “Why did the Supreme Court not care that all of the witnesses were quite obviously being murdered?”, “Why did Hank write a letter saying his daughter’s son was still-born if he knew that Danny survived?”, “Why was Danny’s mother a radioactive monster, and who, if anyone, knew about her?”, “What was the point of the radioactive rabbit?”, and “Why was there a random empty radioactive barrel for Blake to fall into?”

Perhaps the most prominent question though is… HOW THE HELL ARE WE ONLY 40 MINUTES INTO THIS MOVIE????

That’s right. I’m sorry for lying to you, but that wasn’t actually the climax of the movie. We’re only halfway through.

Now, you may be asking, “Wait, what the hell do we still have to cover? The villain is defeated, half the characters are dead, and there’s no lingering plot threads (that the movie cares about resolving anyway, that is…).”

Well…

“You can come with us,” Wendy says to Danny. “To a place called… New York City.”

…

…You know, it took the Friday the 13th movies eight installments to completely run out of story, and resort to throwing Jason in Manhattan in a feeble attempt to keep the franchise going.

It took Plutonium Baby half of a movie to reach the same point of desperation. 

Half. A. Movie.

It’s times like these when I really wish I could be the one who gets sealed into a barrel of radioactive waste.

Thankfully, the second half of the film is much more… tolerable, is perhaps the word… than the first. This may or may not be related to the fact that the intended 10 day shoot for the film was abruptly cut in half after the film’s original crew quit in protest and the director was subsequently replaced.

“10 YEARS LATER” reads an intertitle, before we fade in to footage of NYC. To my legitimate surprise, the film actually shot on location for a significant portion of this second half. There’s a dramatic pan up on a shot of the Empire State Building, the characters traverse Central Park, and there’s a montage of theaters, one of which was showing “Chopping Mall.” It’s a true testament to this movie’s awfulness that it makes me long for the cinematic coherence of Chopping Mall, much the same way many people found sudden nostalgia for George W. Bush after catching a glimpse at the latest President.

Danny is now a full-grown different actor, and has matured in many ways, including in his understanding of consent, as evidenced by his new relationship with a woman named Laura. After Danny wakes from a nightmare, the two have sex. The sex scene goes on for an excruciatingly long time, including several cuts indicating it’s even longer than we’re forced to watch it. Now, one may consider the length a compliment to Danny’s abilities, but given how absolutely awkward the sex is, consisting of a lot of rolling around with conveniently placed sheets wrapped around their bodies, flailing arms, and thrusting into thin air, I think it’s safe to say that Danny has exactly the skills one would expect for a man who grew up all alone in the woods with only his grandfather for company.

In a walk down a riverside, we learn a little more about Lauren and their relationship together. Lauren likes rivers because they flow past things and split into smaller streams. That is essentially just a definition of a river.

We’re also reintroduced to Wendy, now an aerobics instructor, in another excruciatingly long montage sequences of her training her latest group of employees. “I’m glad the three of us stayed so close,” Danny says when he visits Wendy at the aerobics studio. Wow, yeah, it is really nice that you’re all still such great friends 10 years later! Typically, when one bring a radioactive child with then to NYC after a scientist murders his father in an attempt to cover up a nuclear power plant disaster, before he is trapped in a radioactive barrel by the aforementioned radioactive child’s radioactive mutant mother, you tend not to remain a part of each other’s lives. That’s just the nature of time.

Speaking of scientist trapped in barrels of nuclear waste, we cut back to the forest, where two hikers stumble upon Dr. Blake’s barrel. Now, there could be plenty of sensible reasons why someone would end up opening a barrel of nuclear waste found in the woods. One might write a scene in which the EPA investigates the barrel, and opens it, unleashing Dr. Blake on the world again. However, if you don’t have the budget and/or enthusiasm for this rational series of events, you may go with the path Plutonium Baby takes, in which the hikers open this radioactive barrel because they think it would be a good place to keep their beer cold.  To be fair, it’s not like a little nuclear waste is going to make beer taste any more awful than it already does.

And so, Dr. Blake emerges from the barrel, now a radioactive monster himself. He begins to make his way to NYC, instinctively knowing that Danny is there. Danny also knows that Dr. Blake has returned, the two sharing a telepathic bond due to the fact that they both are radioactive.

Just go with it, at this point.

As Dr. Blake makes his way through NYC, Danny struggles with what to do about a weird growth that appears on his leg, seemingly the first health complication that this irradiated man has faced in his life. “When you’re sick, you see a doctor,” Lauren pleads, once again proving that she is a character who knows the definition of words. However, Danny is afraid of Lauren finding out how “different” he is, and refuses to seek help.

After seeing an ad for Wendy’s aerobics studio, Dr. Blake uses a pay phone to get more information. “I was impressed with the blonde in the ad,” he breathes into the public phone. “And since I was working for a casting agency, I was hoping you could give me some… information…” Despite this caller not giving his name, the name of his casting agency, calling only from a public phone, speaking in the creepiest manner possible, and using the past-tense for a present-tense situation for no other reason than the screenwriter being illiterate, the operator gives Dr. Blake the requested information. Eh, it’s 1980s New York. They really didn’t give a crap.

So, in a sequence even more drawn out that Danny’s big sex scene, Dr. Blake stalks Wendy through her apartment as we watch her go through all the steps of making soup. Eventually, he kills Ken and snaps Wendy’s neck. When Danny discovers the body, he calls Lauren to warn her. This scene of Danny dialing the phone has six cuts. This film couldn’t even shoot a guy dialing a phone in one take. To be fair, it is a rotary phone.

Lauren tells Danny that she’ll meet him at the aerobics studio, but Dr. Blake meets her there first. When Lauren pulls off Blake’s sunglasses and hat, Blake informs her that she must die now, apparently concerned that someone might recognize his mutated, decomposing face. Danny shows up in time, and the two fight in slow motion on the rooftop. Danny chokes Dr. Blake to death, the only way to kill an undead, radioactive monster, but not before Dr. Blake literally just rips out a handful of Danny’s stomach, killing him.

In the film’s epilogue, Lauren now has given birth to Danny’s child. After struggling for a literal minute to grab a live fish out of a fishbowl, she feeds it to the baby whole, indicating that this child is radioactive, just like their father. Is this the Plutonium Baby? Was Danny? Was his mother Emily? Was Dr. Blake? This movie has too many radioactive characters. Some would say it has four too many.

You know, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after having seen Plutonium Baby. Like a sudden, unexpected blast of nuclear radiation that penetrates one’s body on a subatomic level, Plutonium Baby has irreparably changed my very being. Like the blinding flash of a detonated nuclear bomb, the mere sight of Plutonium Baby imbues in one an inescapable dread, a deep existential crisis as one has to grapple with fact that this is it. This is a movie. Someone paid money to make this, enough money to shoot on location in NYC. Someone paid to release this. Someone okayed this for release. An affront to the simple art of storytelling, Plutonium Baby is unadulterated garbage, defined by its inept editing, illiterate script, and mind-numbing lack of logic. It’s the type of movie that makes you long for the sweet release of a nuclear apocalypse.  

Plutonium Baby is available to stream on Amazon Prime, and is on DVD. 

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