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veronicavodka-blog · 6 years

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it’s always something

I literally just got home from college yesterday. Finally finished with the stress of finals only to be thrust into the stress of home. The summer between graduating high school and my freshman year of college, I lived at my dad’s house. It sucked because all my friends were an hour away, but at least the house was in order. Last summer I stayed at school because I had to take chemistry and it sucked because the place was a ghost town, but once again, at least it wasn’t disgusting.

I love my mom to death but she is really living through a mid-life crisis. I know enough not to call her out on it because it’s only going to trigger her “my life is not fair” speech all over again. Which will lead to her getting sad and depressed and she’ll be upset with me because she’ll feel attacked.

The house is literally disgusting, she switched jobs and took a major pay cut and I’m not complaining about the money but at least live within your means. She never cooks, never cleans, is always leaving my brother home alone by herself.

She can’t afford to pay for the trash service to come pick up the garbage yet she can afford to go out with her friends, get her nails and hair done? Explain to me how that makes sense. My mom works very hard but based off the way she was raised and her previous marriage with my dad, I honestly believe she meant to live as a kept woman. Have her nice little teacher job and go to bunco nights, drink wine and shop all the time.

Well unfortunately that is not her life anymore. Unfortunately for the rest of my family, she has yet to change her habits. I know she likes to go out and have fun and stuff but like she has obligations. And I’m sure I don’t know the half of it, but I’m pretty sure she’s in a lot of debt and just keeps running from it all.

All her friends are literally in their 20′s and 30′s and all the guys she “talks” to aren’t much different in age either. My mom is entering her late 40′s...

I love her so much but I’m getting fed up with the behavior. I hate coming home here, it’s always such a pigsty and a big mess. Literally there are ants and flies and god knows what else in the kitchen. Fucking feces on the floor from my dog and trash and clutter everywhere. I don’t know anyone else who lives like this, although I’m sure those that do, hide it well.

I should know, I’ve been doing the same thing for the last 19 years. I can’t stand having people over, it’s embarrassing. Right now my room isn’t in a much better state, from moving back and forth to college, my clothes and childhood mementos are all over the place.

That’s all I plan on doing this week. I need a job for the summer desperately, so on top of looking for that, I’m going to try to go through all my things and clean it up. I’m also going to scrub the bathroom down and try to get through the kitchen. The problem is there is literally no way for me to throw all of this shit away because my mom doesn’t pay the trash bill.

God, once in high school, we got the police called on us because we had so much garbage in our backyard and the neighbors told on us.

If my mom’s not paying it now, I assume she’s not going to be paying it anytime soon. Paying for trash can’t be that expensive and since my dad covers all my other expenses I’m gonna pay the damn trash bill myself. I’m a big girl and my mom needs help. People help their parents pay bills all the time. We’re a family, I think it’s perfectly okay.

It still sucks though. Most of my friends don’t have to deal with this stuff at all. God, my one friend Hannah, I love her to death but she would hate my life. She’s from the side of my county that has money and she showed me a picture of what she calls a “cupcake house” that she and her family had to live in while their million dollar home was being renovated... It was literally bigger that what I’m in now.

I know she didn’t mean anything mean about it, she has no idea about my home life. It still stung though.

It’s always been kinda hard growing up, I’ve always been so embarrassed. I never had friends over, never any sleepovers or birthday parties. I’m sure my friends don’t care, but I do. It’s embarrassing to bring people into something you’re ashamed of. The mess alone is more than enough for me to want to keep people away.

I think my mom feels the same way but she just chooses to ignore it all. Life doesn’t work that way though. Suppress it all you want, just like a volcano, eventually it’s all gonna explode

I know I shouldn’t complain too much because I still have lots of privileges and opportunities that many do not. It’s just that I’m surrounded by people who seem to have everything that tends to cause me grief.

Sometimes I just feel like a big fat phony, trying to keep my head afloat around all my friends. I know they don’t care and if they heard me say this now they’d probably give me a big hug and tell me they love me no matter what. I know that.

Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t suck.

--Damn this post is about to be really long.

Speaking of how my mom was hoping to be “taken care of” out of college. I met this guy maybe three weeks ago, well he happens to be going to law school next fall and now that’s all my mom can talk about.

It makes me so mad, that mentality is so toxic for women. And it make work for some, but it definitely did not work for her.

I refuse to let the same thing happen to me. I guess that’s kind of my driving force and motivation for myself as a young woman and a future mother. Regardless of what man is in my life, I will always make sure that with or without him I can take care of myself. I do not want my children to experience the same stuff that I had to go through.

I still turned out fine, but I want my kids to be stress free when it comes to money and if I end up a divorced single mother so be it. I’m not really concerned about that. I’m just going to do my best to put my kids first.

I have a step mom and that’s one thing I really admire about her. Her first husband cheated on her and then had the nerve to date the mistress and have her around their children. My step mom said she wanted to be angry and bitter but then she thought about her kids and what it would mean to them. I think she’s a really selfless woman and I want to be like that when I have children.

I think that’s what being a mother is about. Putting your children first and making sure they’re okay. Whoever my babies are when I have them, I’m going to make sure no matter what they do not have to stress about grown up things until they themselves are adults.

I think that’s the worst part about childhood sometimes, is being forced to grow up too fast. It worked out in my favor, because I consider myself to be very mature, however, I think I could’ve been saved some of the heartache.

Anyway, while we’re there, back to that guy I meant. I was drunk and met him when I was blackout downtown. I apparently went home with him, but he ended up sending me back to my house because I was too drunk. This was about two weeks ago, well a few days ago, we decided to meet up. He’s pretty cute and I wanted to see him again. Well I get to his house and this time I’m not blackout, but he is. He ended up getting really sick and couldn’t stop puking so I just left. It kinda worked out because it was my last night in town so instead I got to go back and hang out with my friends one last night.

Still kinda sucks though, because the guy is pretty cute though. It’s honestly so pointless anyway he’s literally graduating and going to law school and I’m only going to be a junior. I’m just sick of being single. Also, if you couldn’t already tell by all the above previously listed, it’s obvious I have more than enough to stress over. I don’t need to be up in my head about some guy who I don’t even really know.

That’s the other thing I get frustrated with. My parents are always like, have you been on any dates.

UM NO. I honestly don’t know how to find guys that ask girls on dates anymore. I’ve never met one. I think in my whole life I’ve been on maybe 4 dates, all 4 different guys, I never seem to get past 3 weeks of “talking.” “Talking” is stupid anyway and lame excuse for what my generation seems to think dating is. I just get sick of it.

Anyway, this guy has my necklace that I actually do want back. It was a gift from my aunt. I texted him about it and he said he has it but we’re still working out the logistics of how I’m getting it back. I’ll probably just get a friend who’s still in town to go to his house and grab it for me and then I’ll get the necklace from my friend when I see them.

Part of me wants to see the guy again, because he was pretty cute. But a bigger part of me is like, at most he just wants to hook up and I’m not going to have sex with him...HELLO still virgin over here. (I’m trying to lose that too, but I’m sorry I’m not going to give it to just anyone. I’ve worked to hard to keep it at this point.)

So, I’ll probably just send a friend to get it and save myself the trouble. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just better off alone. I’m not good at the whole guy thing, everyone seems to want to hook up with me, but it’s never “Hey, let me take you out to dinner.”

I don’t even go home with people often. I’ve done it 3 times all semester, mind you all due to alcohol swimming in the bloodstream.

I don’t know, the guy seems nice. He told me I kept trying to get him to have sex with me, but I also kept asking what his name was so he said he knew enough to just get me an Uber home. Earlier in the semester I hooked up with a guy who definitely does not understand the meaning of the word no. He really freaked me out. I dread seeing him in public downtown at the bars now. He’s a real creep. He have sex with me, but damn did he try.

Anyway, the new guy, we’ll call him law school guy. He seems like a genuine guy, and he’s cute and tall (6′4). Still a stranger though, so I don’t know. I guess it’s another out of site out of mind kinda thing. I’m hoping he’ll text me back about my necklace sometime tomorrow. He just graduated tonight, so I’m sure he’s out getting drunk with his friends, who wouldn’t be.

This was a really long post, but I feel a lot better getting it all off my chest.

5/4/2018

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