#one of these days I may upload the unfinished animation i made on my phone but aaa. its scary. animating is fun tho

[wintered-debtz]

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I figure its either now or never that I upload these LMAO.

the first one is warm up sketches i did last week that i decided to color today for fun

the bottom picture was a frame for an MS paint animation I kinda decided "ehhh i dunno if i actually like this idea that much its not that funny anymore" ummm its to that song "sugar" by system of a down. i was gonna make Wayne the singer. the lyric is "THE KOMBUCHA MUSHROOM PEOPLE" hence... tony and lucien w kombucha n mushrooms and wayne yelling this at them while spinning around the frame xD

[nicaraguamissionstories]

ONE  YEAR  LATER . . .

Turbulent waters and restless clouds…but the Sun still beacons onward.

Wednesday, April 10th 2019

To apologize for this lapse of time since I last communicated seems so preposterous. How do I explain a year’s absence? Despite the absurdity of it, I am picking up what is left of my dignity and writing to you once again.

When last we met, I was in a whirlwind after political unrest here in Nicaragua created a deep vacuum in which many of us fell into. In the middle of the attempt to overthrow the government, I tried to stick it out in La Cruz as long as I could, visiting 8 more communities. But with all the road blocks in the country, we were unable to receive any provisions in La Cruz. Soon there was no corn or rice or beans. I had friends who arranged for my transportation back to Estelí the end of May.  It was a harrowing experience sitting at roadblocks for hours or trying to cross on foot to the other side where I waited several hours for a different transportation.

Crossing the road block on foot in Rio Blanco where tires have been burned in the road. Graffiti on the side of the parked truck says “To Hell with Daniel”, referring to the president of Nicaragua.

By the end of May I was back in Estelí by way of back roads and remote routes. The problem once I arrived is that we were prohibited from traveling because of the road blocks and the fact that things were very unsafe. There were more food resources in Estelí but they were quickly evaporating without any new trucks allowed to enter. The trucks with food were detained at the road blocks only to lose all their produce and other perishable products. In the community where I live (only a mile from the south road block) we heard the gun fire back and forth all day and night, and then heard the daily reports of cocktail bombs, captures and killings the following day. All we could do was stay in our homes and venture out quickly in the morning to look for food. All foreigners evacuated immediately. All I could think was – how convenient to have that as an option when those who live on the margins don’t have such solutions.

I guess I became numb to a certain degree. Just going through daily survival and not feeling capable of even updating the Blog. I was thinking in circles and wondering if the end of the road had finally come for me here in Nicaragua. Our phone signal was limited and I didn’t have the speed to upload pictures to the Blog so I continued to fall further and further behind. Not to mention feeling useless as time marched on and this BIG work was still unfinished.

Finally in late November (six months ago) things felt stable enough to return to the coast and wrap up the final three community visits. Riding a wave of depression and discouragement, I picked myself up again and gave it another try, visiting the Miskito communities of Kara and Sandy Bay. Father Tomas, Sister Lydia and my faithful friend Vicente accompanied me there.

On our way to Kara, we ran out of oil for the motor. We waited at the side of the riverbank (our arms wrapped around a tree truck to keep from floating onward) for two and a half hours in our panga until finally we were rescued by one of the boats coming from Bluefields who sold us some oil.

This Indigenous community in Kara was so impressive to me. They received us with such warmth and love. The mass was celebrated in Spanish, Miskito and even a little English.

We had an ultimate Closing Mass after the visit to Kara in La Cruz, but it felt anti climatic after the expectations I created around the work at the beginning of April. Once again I left for Estelí feeling discouraged and aimless now that I had finally finished the visits.

Returning in December I avoided working on the Blog and anything related to the work on the book. Instead I buried myself in other projects – a scholarship group retreat, a visit from the cardiologists from North Carolina and other work that trickled in. The months clicked by and I continued to procrastinate. I had come to a crossroads of “Now What?” and had no idea how to move forward. So why bother with the finishing pieces if I didn’t know how to proceed afterwards? I knew I was in trouble when those who had provided the grant to do the work began asking where my final report was. I didn’t know how to explain how lost I was or how the ball had rolled out of control. All my momentum was gone. I cried out to Teddy blaming him for having chosen a person so inadequate to face such a grand feat.

A statue of Father Teddy made by the people. It was created for the local high school named after him in the community of La Cruz.

Over the past four months, people, groups and donors have begun to return to Nicaragua with a tone of dipping their toe in the water to see if things are really as bad as the media reports in the states. Fortunately, the visits have been without disturbance and people have left with a sense of wanting to reconnect with their projects and the people they serve. I suppose that renewed hope has awakened in me too – somewhat – concerning moving forward with this work at hand.

In March I was able to consult with an editor in New Mexico who felt she could guide me to a place of organizing the book. Her name is Carolyn Flynn and I met her through the Living School Program with the Center for Action and Contemplation. Her email to me summed up what she hopes to do: “…we will develop the essence of what makes the book captivating…create a title and subtitle…and organize the structure of the book. To get there, we'd work on chapters and I’ll guide you in seeing where in your writing you have really got everything working, in terms of your voice, your images, the most important spiritual lessons and insights.”  We plan to begin our endeavor in early July. Until then, she sent me “homework” assignments to get me ready for that junction.

Towards that purpose the cost would be $750 which she says will definitely get me on my way. So somehow I will try to raise that amount. Upon the completion of that phase, she will help me evaluate which direction to go and even make some connections with publishers. It is a big project to say the least, but I am willing to make some baby steps toward that end, despite the inadequacy I feel. If you are interested in contributing to this work, you can send your personal check to: Connecticut Quest for Peace, Inc. and on the memo line write “for Monica”. Then send the check to the attention of:

CT Quest for Peace 

Attn:  Jane McCaffrey 

P.O Box 356 

Georgetown, CT  06829

 On Saturday, April 6th I celebrated 56 years of age…now 20 years in Nicaragua. Our political situation remains relatively calm but uncertain. To be honest, I don’t have a sense of my inner barometer about which road I am on. I guess I am like the country right now, relatively calm but uncertain.

A hopeful visit will come in the form of Eileen “Chuckie” Niehaus – Teddy’s “baby sister” (as he once called her) – who will arrive God willing on April 26th. We will make a journey back to Kara to once again reconnect with the Miskito people. It was a plan that she and Teddy had that never was able to be realized. I hope the seed within will once again be watered and fertilized to continue its growth towards the fruition of this project. Your prayers and good wishes – as always – will help that become a reality.

Right now my plan would be to continue with the blog updating monthly with things such as this upcoming trip with Chuckie and other outstanding pieces of homework I still have like visiting one of the priests Teddy formed from La Cruz, Father Flavio. I also want people to be able to track what the experience of writing a book is like (at least from my perspective). So you are welcome to come along for the ride if you still want to take a chance on me!

Thank you for extending your patience to me for the fragility around my edges and for leading with compassion and mercy – since that is what we are all most desperately in need of.  Today it is raining in Estelí for the first time in six months…bringing healing to the plants, the people, the animals and all that is connected in this Divine Dance.

Here I am at 56 headed off to the gym with my friend Sonia. A friend who is real jokster with me asked me how old I was and I told him.  He responded “you don’t look that age”...I thanked him and then he added “YOU LOOK MORE LIKE 65!!”  There always has to be a fool in our midst to keep us on track.