#op literally spiders georg over here

[redorich]

(Hermit Canyon AU)

Eventually, the Hermit seems to get attached to Puffy. It makes sense- it's been trading gifts with her for months now, and has even shown itself to her a few times, albeit while invisible.

The other SMPers don't think much of it at first. The more curious members ask Puffy questions about The Hermit sometimes, but she knows little, so they quickly give up. Occasionally someone will try to explore the ridiculously trapped town, but they give up once it's obvious they're not getting in.

The trades grow more and more valuable, and one day Puffy opens her barrel to find a beacon, and enough iron to fully power it. She's stunned, naturally. To think the Hermit is so capable it can kill a Wither just to give a beacon away- she can barely believe it.

(In actuality, they cheesed it on the Nether roof, but she doesn't know that)

She does try to hide it, but word gets around, and after another few failed raids on the town (and some rumours that the Hermit can teleport), things settle down again, as much as they can on the SMP.

Then someone steals Puffy's beacon. {You decide who, because I. don't actually watch DSMP, admittedly.}

Puffy, naturally, is devestated- she can't imagine the work the Hermit put into getting it for her in the first place (the most time-consuming thing was getting the Wither skulls, and it wasn't even that bad). But there's not really much she can do, so she carries on.

Except, the next day, the thief wakes up to find their house full of chickens, Puffy's beacon missing, and every single empty space in their chests filled with strategically renamed light grey stained glass panes.

They go outside to find the entire contents of a cave spider spawner on their front lawn. Alongside a ravager. With speed potions. Renamed Pamela's Revenge.

(Cue half the SMP trying to find out who Pamela is)

Puffy, meanwhile, wakes to find her beacon back in its rightful place, and a beautifully terraformed garden outside her house (Scar accidentally detonated a creeper and naturally had to fix the hole...and then went a little overboard. But it's fine.)

op i want you to know that i considered just posting your ask, because it’s already So Good and practically a fic on its own, but i really wanted even more content so i wrote it myself. ANYWAY here’s sapnap’s terrible horrible no good very bad day xD

It’s risky, doing anything on the wide open Nether roof where anyone can see. Hell, using a beacon at all is risky for the Hermits. Still, they’ve got all sorts of farms and copious amounts of materials at their fingertips. They’re past early game, stuck in mid-game while they wait for Etho to scope out more locations, while they build the second Upside Down (which Grian has named the Upside-ier Down), while they build their joint bases miles out from civilization. 

Having a beacon would make the process faster, they reason to themselves. They certainly aren’t risking being discovered just because they’re bored and getting a beacon is an excuse to do something. And hell, Tango made that giant, super-efficient wither skeleton skull farm right next to his double blaze spawner farm, so they might as well mass-produce Nether stars by killing multiple Withers. It’s not that difficult.

On another note, it’s after they gift Puffy one of their many beacons, in addition to a kit of iron blocks for powering the beacon that the Hermits realize that while their gifts are increasing in expense, Puffy’s are... not. So, if Puffy’s around average in the Dream SMP economy, they’ve figured out where most players meet their limit. She hasn’t stopped dropping by, though, which is nice. Her gifts become increasingly handmade, in lieu of upping the ante on material wealth. The Hermits suppose that hand-crafted items have a value that extends past money. Each and every one of them has something that she’s made for them, whether it be a shawl, a blanket, a set of earrings, a bracelet, or a pair of socks.

Apparently the beacon is more of a Big Deal than the Hermits thought. After all, the rainbow castle has several. However, the Hermits realize that they’ve been shortsighted. While it is true that the rainbow castle has several beacons, the castle is the only place that they’ve seen any beacons.

Sapnap steals the beacon. He doesn’t particularly need it, but he wants it, and stealing is fun. Maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll even start another minor war over it. He hasn’t fought Puffy very much. He wonders if she can put up a good fight.

Puffy’s-- not distraught, but she’s upset. That was a gift from the Hermit, a friend who she’s been pulling out of its shell. She doesn’t have much use for a beacon, but then again, neither does Sapnap; he’s just a dick. Just in case, Puffy leaves a note with the rest of the items she leaves in her barrel:

Dear Hermit,

I’m very sorry for losing the beacon you gave me. I made the mistake of keeping it in a normal chest instead of an Ender chest, so Sapnap stole it. I should have seen that coming. I’ll try to get it back, but if I don’t, please know that I didn’t throw it away.

Thank you,

Puffy.

Sapnap wakes up in the middle of a lake. His mattress is floating, and when he tries to paddle back to shore (once he’s done screaming), the mattress tips over and he receives an unpleasant fishy wakeup call. He trudges into his house for a shower, and finds that the showerhead, as well as all his faucets, have been stuffed with ramen noodle seasoning. 

He looks in his chests for a bucket of water. The first chest he checks is not only full of light gray glass, but also trapped. When he opens it, pufferfish fall out of the ceiling and bounce around. He dies to their poison twice before they finally die. The next chest he opens also has light gray glass, no water buckets, and a trap. This one, though, only releases a metric fuckton of chickens into his house. It’s fine. This is fine.

As he looks through his chests, he realizes something. They’ve got glass in them, sure, and they’ve been raided of water buckets, but... the beacon is gone. None of his other items, like enchanted netherite tools or literal diamond blocks, have been stolen. Just Puffy’s beacon.

Whoever pranked him missed a bucket, so he promptly dumps it over his head in an effort to smell less like pond scum and spicy chicken noodles. It takes the whole day to get his base back in order: he’s got to clean out all the faucets, empty all the glass from his chests, throw out all the dead pufferfish, and slaughter chickens by the dozens.

He can’t sleep. Are you fucking kidding. He can’t sleep. A soft hiss catches his attention, only audible now that the quiet of night has fallen. Is there somehow an unlit cave under his base?

Nope. As he steps outside onto his front lawn, he sees a daylight detector near the door that he missed when he came inside this morning. The daylight detector seems to have released approximately fifteen bajillion cave spiders onto his lawn, and they’re all angry, so he shuts the front door in their faces and goes back inside. That’s a problem for tomorrow’s him.

Horns spear the wall right next to where Sapnap was standing five seconds ago. He yelps. What the fuck is a ravager doing on his front porch? And why the FUCK does it have speed potion particles?!

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Sapnap hit the ground too hard whilst trying to escape Pamela’s Revenge>

<Sapnap was slain by Cave Spider>

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Georgenotfound> who is pamela’s revenge

<Sapnap> ;RVAER

<Sapnap> HELP

<Sapnap> RAVEAGER

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Georgenotfound> good night sapnap :)

<Sapnap> GEORGE OYU BITCH HLEP ME

<Sapnap was slain by Pamela’s Revenge>

<Georgenotfound> zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

-------

Puffy sees a whole lot of nonsense in the chat when she wakes up in the morning, and promptly decides to ignore it. She goes about her morning as usual, heading out to her front porch to sip a cup of coffee in peace. 

She... has a garden now. Hm. That wasn’t there before. And come to think of it, neither was the beacon she lost.

“Thanks, Hermit,” she says with a smile.

-------

Stress sips a cup of tea, having breakfast in Grian’s rustic sitting room with a few of her fellow Hermits.

“D’ya think we went overboard?” she says.

“...Nah,” Cub says.

[tsuki-sennin]

Attention Revicers! We're all gonna die! Idk exactly how, but... well, it ain't gonna be pretty, I tell ya what. This Demons Driver might be the biggest asshole belt since Tenjuro Banno. ...or whatever Supreme products came out before the release of this episode, whichever makes you happy.

Spoilers, I guess...

-Ushijima, bro. She saw your creepy-ass basement, where you presumably keep dead bodies, aliens, drugs, weapons, and/or your anime figure collection.

-Wow, you really don't have faith in your daughter's taste in men, huh?

-I mean, it's literally called the Demons Driver, idk how you're so shocked.

-Y'know, it could just be me, but maybe you should hand him over to a much more secure facility than just your helicarrier?

-Awwww, Hiromi :(

-Of course!

-Considering the only demons with full personality we've seen are Vice, Kagero, and Lovekov, I'm kinda inclined to agree.

-Waaait!

-Oh boy, a present.

-Oh god, we're going into the creepy basement.

-NOT EVEN THE BASEMENT GOD

-Oh boy, government assholes!

-Nah, it's a Sunday, it's still the Weekend.

-It's not as good a name as Wonderful Blue Sky or Smart Brain, but its up there! It's charmingly simplistic.

-....WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE

-YOU GUYS GAVE US THE WONDER THAT IS JEANNE!?

-Well goddamn, now I you're you're the good guys!

-Please forgive me, Ushijima family! Or whatever your real names are!

-Yeah, fuck Fenix! Those guys are assholes!

-Oh God, there's a war brewing.

-Wait, why does Weekend's creepy basement headquarters have gaming chairs?

-Homegirl's going through a lot.

-God, how powerful is Gifu that Vice is still reeling from his goddamn heartbeat?

-Do you have an itch up there? It might be time to look into a new shampoo.

-At least it's not in Olteca or Akaishi's hands, y'know?

-Turtle Bazooka OP.

-Oh nooooo, she weakened.

-Aguilera... :(

-Oh good, communication! Yes, we love to see it!

-Damn right she's strong!

-IT'S A FAKE WHAT

-Well, considering how dangerous that thing is, it's very smart of Tamaki and Aguilera not to carry the real one everywhere.

-Fuck you, George.

-Does he even have a replacement lined up?

-Oh god, they're friends. Dammit.

-THAT'S THE REAL ONE

-GOH GOD OH FUUUUCK

-DAI-CHAN HELP

-HIROMI BROOOOO

-DAMMIT IKKI HELP DO THE FAIZ PTERADON THING

-OHHHH NOOO HE'S DEMONS NOW

-Hayata Seki for Spider-Verse 2 Part 2.

-OH GOD IF OLTECA'S THE NEW DEMONS CAN HE GENOMIX WITH NO PROBLEMS

-Or did we kinda forget about that?

-Oh god, they both have bikes.

-OH GOD HE CAN

-SHOOT

-HIROMICCHI

-GO MAN, GOOOOOOOO

-My loyalty is to you, Commander Kodata!

-OHHHHHHHH, HE'S BELIEVING IN THEM AAAAAAAAAH

-Ohhhh, you evil bastard!

-God, this choreography and camera work are insane.

-HE'S HITTING SO FAST AND SO HARD

-GET BACK HERE YOU BITCH

-OH GOD PAPA'S CHEST HOLE

-Imagine if Akaishi choked on that weird evil red asbestos.

-Oh cool, we're getting a Zero-One form next week! Bitchin'! ...I don't know why we have naked dudes, but-

-Ohhhhh, is that the role reversal I've seen in some magazine shots? Badass, dude, it looks so good!