#or idk maybe i feel this way because im on a pension and live in a culture that constantly guilts people who are happy living on benefits

[gothmods]

Reasons i wish i had money

- house

-toys

-grs

Reasons i feel bad for wishing i had money

-toys

[leaving-all-of-it]

I guess everything is somewhat catching up with me or something, I dont know.

I’m so tired.

I was looking for something to eat a while ago for a snack, and idk I just sat down and looking around my new little place (no longer at the shelter now) and I sat there and cried. I dont even know what I feel. I don’t know how to process what I feel.

I dont know how to even think honestly, everything just feels.. weird. Foggy and heavy and overwhelming. Tense. It all feels tense inside my whole body. And on the verge of panic, it feels like. Obviously anxiety spiked up a ton.

I don’t think I did ever cry at the shelter... did I ? hmm. I feel like maybe I did once. I dont remember when. or what over. But I definitely dont think more than that once.

And it wasn’t in the initial first days I got there either. Despite how terrified I was the first night there. How badly I just wanted to go “home” and wanted my old bedroom and bed back. How close to tears I was. I didn’t end up crying that first night. Even though it was so scary crawling into that shelter bed that night; stretching out my bathrobe underneath me to try and soften the bed even a little. I didn’t cry even though someone stole my pillow the second day. I was just disappointed and irritated. 

I didnt cry when I was so freaked out hearing back quickly from the transitional housing place (where I am now) thats connnected with the shelter. I was freaking out that I didnt feel ready to leave the shelter yet.

idk.

I dont know what Im feeling. I dont know what Im thinking. Everything just feels like a heavy foggy weight all over my body and mind and breathing feels weird. The breathing part I absolutely know is anxiety. Its a very familiar feeling. its how bad anxiety feels for me most of the time. an uneasiness in my stomach, discomfort and almost.. jittering in my back and shoulders. tension everywhere. tension that feels like buzzing or jittering. 

I guess its probably everything catching up with me.

im trying to gather my thoughts and put words to the feelings or make sense of any of it. 

when I was crying on the floor curled up looking at my lonely little apartment, my mind was like.. swimming. i dont think racing quite describes it because it was.. idk more muddled than that. thoughts and feelings just swam around and so many slid past like covered in thick fog or something. couldnt quite fully catch what the feelings were just vague thoughts about everything. things from dad being dead, having lived at a shelter, the fact im here now, guilt over maybe not deserving this assistance Im getting since my situation was loadss better than other women ive met and I have a nicer apartment here than some of them, fear of living alone, knowing my dad would be very disapproving of who I am today an so much that ive done and believe, the fact I was abused as a kid and everything

idk

im so tired

ive been getting to bed so late lately

im trying to slowly grasp some sort of sense of normalcy and create some sort of routine. now that im in an apartment and not the shelter. at least there there was the routine of lunch and dinner at set times. already made. just show up and have some and eat with the other women and socialize. after a while it wasnt so bad there most of the time, even when my days varied greatly it felt more routine and okay

but now its like... I have to move on with my life I guess. its not longer like crisis... im in an actual house. its mine. for now. so now I have to find something to... DO with my life. Im not working or in school. I need to find stuff to fill my time, some way to create a routine and not go crazy. 

I also have plenty of STUFF I have to do... even besides all the stuff of moving in and settling in and moving stuff out of storage etc etc. gotta update my health card, send a letter off to pensions, change my addresses, get a dentist appt next week!! which I am also so freaked out about

I have to learn to budget properly and figure out supporting myself on the little I have from social assistance. feed myself on it. cook, actually eat what I cook. eat healthily. clean up after myself and stay organized.

idk

eerything is so much

its really scary and weird feeling the space im in right now

not technically in crisis anymore but... just this weird limbo where im almost in shock im not at the shelter anymore and now life has to go on somehow. i have my OWN place which is exhilerating but also... terrifying. im an adult. im REALLY an adult now. I have to REALLY be an adult now. I have to be EXTRA all grown up, and live on my own.

idk

everything is so scary. im so scared. i am SO overwhelmed. Ive been kind of numb last little bit I guess and since moving in tuesday. Ive also been somewhat keeping busy. out shopping for groceries all day wedndesday. getting food from moms thursday. 

it gets lonely here in the evenings though. and boring. but like.. the weird depression boredom too. where its hard to feel enjoyment from anything. prison break isnt even really keeping me interested at all right now. managed about half of a walking dead episode before losing all interest in it too. 

Outsiders fanfictions are the only thing really keeping me going right now. and im also almost constantly listening to music. to keep some noise while here alone and not feel so lonely and stuff. I dont want quiet. need that noise.

im so tired.

i should probably go sleep.

at least I like my bed. its not really comfortable right now until I invest in a real good foam topper, but its a DOUBLE bed which is a novelty for me since ive always had a single bed. I decorated it all nice too and since I dont have curtains yet for over the blinds in my bedroom ive been hanging towels from the top bunk around my bed to keep it dark and that feels nice and secure. so I do like my bed. the bedding they gave me is so pretty too. and I have 4 pillows now. its really nice. its still hard to sleep lately though. hence goign to sleep so late. I stay out of bed completely until im exhauuusted and cant do it anymore. usuallyl still play around on my phone for too long after getting in bed too though

sigh

idk

i guess i should go soon

getting more stuff I need from moms for over here tmrw

mom and best friend havent seen it yet. excited for mom to come see it. dont really want best friend to sleep over for a while yet though. i feel like I really need to get adjusted to being here first. alone. the way I had to at the shelter. it took a few weeks but I did. and I know I need that now too. 

alright I guess better stop now.... idk what else to say

this was just kind of a total freewrite blab since I was freaking out intenrally after crying i feel like such crap

i feel al ittle better putting some stuff down now just it in my head

i hope someone reads it I guess

if you do like please maybe? just so I know and feel a little heard or something idek

[thealpacalypse-archive]

1-50 #notevensorry #ily

oh wow, so much for going to bed early today^^

1. what’s your favorite musical?

ALL OF THEM

but my top faves over the years have been Elisabeth, 3 Musketiers, Into The Woods, RENT, Jesus Christ Superstar, Book of Mormon, Hamilton, and most recently, Dear Evan Hansen

2. favorite character in your favorite musical?

Robert from Company, Elphaba, The Witch from Into The Woods, Angel from RENT

3. what’s your favorite play?

bruh, SO MANY. recently i’m really into chekhov again, I recently saw an amazing Ivanov. other than that, I’m absolutely into Shakespeare, and I have a weakness for Schillers Die Räuber. Oh, and Andorra by Max Frisch.4. favorite character in your favorite play?

Viola from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night maybe?? I love her.

5. what’s your dream role?

macbeth. andri in Andorra. Robert in Company. Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet. Antigone.

6. what’s a role you’d like to play that you’d never be able to?

I’m probably never able to play any of the roles I just mentioned, so…

7. do you prefer being behind the scenes or in the spotlight?

i mean going into dramaturgy, I will have to be happy with staying behind the scenes, but my heart will always bleed because I’m not on stage

8. do you like hamilton?

IT’S MY JAM I LOVE IT SO MUCH I CRY

9. have you seen hamilton?

AND I CRY SOME MOREmaybe one day, now that it’s coming to London

10. how do you feel about hyped up shows like hamilton, les mis, and rent?

Honestly, I couldn’t care less about how hyped they are. I love all my faves equally, doesn’t matter if it’s Wicked or some obsure 40’s book musical no one has played for decades. the good thing about hyped shows is: better cast recordings, better bootlegs, movie versions, all that nice stuff.

11. did you like this year’s tony awards?

didn’t watch the last tonys tbh. i don’t even know why, there wasn’t any particular reason

12. what award should there be that isn’t?

huh, don’t know, maybe one that specifically honours female writers and composers?

13. what shows have you been in/helped with?

mostly plays: my first one was Andorra, then a Shakespeare mashup thingie, then an original play about a teen with Aids, then an awesome one that was called The Trojan War Will Not Take Place, then Pension Schöller, then I was singing Carmina Burana, then Andorra again, and then a revue kinda thingie where we did various songs from musicals, operetta, opera, some choreographies, some other stuff… I probably forgot a few things, but oh well.

14. have you ever been paid to act onstage or on camera?

haha nope

15. do you prefer broadway or west end shows?

well I’ve never been to broadway. I’ve seen a couple of shows on west end tho. but one day I will go to Broadway and watch all the shows. have to get awfully rich first though

16. favorite stage actress?

Pia Douwes was one of my first stage crushes. of the german speaking ones, I also really love Sabrina Weckerlin, Annemieke van Dam, Lucy Scherer, Isabel Dörfler and Kerstin Ibald. Internationally, i have a huge crush on Kelli O'Hara, Phillipa Soo, and Alexia Khadime.

17. favorite stage actor?

Carl van Wegberg was my first crush, 12 years ago in Elisabeth. Rasmus Borkowski tho. And Oliver Arno and Serkan Kaya and Ben Platt and Nic Rouleau and tbh I have a bit of a thing for Aaron Tveit. Neil Patrick Harris, I know, I know, but DAMN i’m still not over his “Being Alive” and never will be.

18. favorite show currently or recently running?

Might be Dear Evan Hansen. I don’t know it well enough yet to say for certain, but damn, I love it!!!!

19. what’s your dream #ham4ham (even if you don’t like hamilton)?

my favorite one? obviously the schuyler georges. and the one where they got various people to do guns and ships. or is the question, who would I want to be at a ham4ham? Then my answer is Dame Julie Andrews of course. damn, forgot to mention her at my fave actresses.

20. who should host the tony’s next year?

LMM? With Dwayne The Rock Johnson as a co-host.

21. do you watch broadwaycom backstage vlogs?

from time to time. though it’s been ages since i last did that.

22. what’s your opinion on movies turned into musicals?

well, everything is turned into musicals these days. I don’t care so much what the source material is, as long as the music is good and the characters are great and it works with the plot. i mean, generalizing doesn’t really work, because you got stuff like Heathers, and then something like the Spiderman musical, so…

23. do you prefer musical movies or live musicals?

i love both, for very different reasons. i mean live theatre though. i have yet to find anything in this world that compares to it.

24. do you have an opinion on american psycho?

haven’t seen it. don’t care about it.

25. what movie would you want to be turned into a musical?

hmm. something gay. Imagine Me And You maybe? Or, wait, hold on, holy shit. PRIDE THE MUSICAL.

26. what role would you like to see your favorite actor play?

umm…. Ben Platt should go places, and get the parts he wants to have, and get to create new parts, because he’s amazing and he deserves it and I would probably watch him play a banana peel for two hours straight because he’d be amazing at that as well.

27. do you prefer musicals, plays, or operas?

I LOVE ALL OF IT???? DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE THAT’S SO RUDE

28. dramatic plays or comedies?

again, cannot choose. both is good.

29. andrew lloyd webber or stephen sondheim?

Sondheim, always. I love JCS and I will fight anyone for the trash show that is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, but that’s about it with Webber. Sondheim hasn’t done anything wrong in his life, ever, and I know this, and I love him.

30. neil patrick harris or james corden?

i mean, I love James Corden, but I mentioned it before, NPH in Company. BRUH.

31. did james corden do a good job hosting the tony’s (in your opinion)?

don’t know, didn’t see it

32. create a show mash-up and explain the plot (ex: legally todd = sweeney todd + legally blonde)

umm???? okay I’m tired and not very clever anymore, so the only thing I can come up with is

hamilrent - a couple of angry twenty- and thirtysomethings trying to make a change in american politics while being broke af

33. what song always makes you cry?

“Being Alive”. Isn’t it boring that I keep on bringing this up over and over again? I know. I still cry. Also “Children Will Listen” from Into The Woods. And “Wo ist der Sommer” from 3 Musketiers. And so far, “You Will Be Found” from Dear Evan Hansen.

34. how do you feel about musicals using other artists’ music?

like in jukebox musicals? I’m mostly trash for it tbh. We Will Rock You is such a trash fest but I love it, and I will always fight anyone on Mamma Mia.

35. what celebrity would you like to see on broadway next?

idk amandla stenberg?

36. favorite show you’ve been in?

we did a huge medley of “Im Weißen Rössl” once and tbh i love this operetta. it’s cheesy af but who cares.

37. would you like to act professionally?

i would. i gave that up a while ago though, when I realized I was too disabled to be accepted into acting schools.

38. television or stage acting?

i would personally always choose the stage over television acting, but I don’t necessarily think one is better than the other

39. what disney movie should be a musical that isn’t?

not sure if moana could work on stage but damn i love that music

40. if you could see one show on broadway or west end, what would it be?

i really miss book of mormon and I want to see it again, but hamilton or dear evan hansen would be first i guess. or fun home.

41. what musical should be revived next?

i’m so glad miss saigon is coming back, i love it. how about we bring back Into The Woods?

42. are musical sequels okay?

i personally don’t care much for them, but i don’t condemn them. like, i dislike theatre that’s made solely for the purpose of making money, which is something sequels are usually about. but that doesn’t mean that sequels are always and will always be a bad thing.

43. what musical sequel would you like there to be that isn’t?

umm???? well it would make sense for there to be a wicked sequel, since the book has a sequel as well? or, maybe not exactly a sequel, but more history musicals in the style of hamilton? that’d be rad.

44. have you ever had a crush on a character from a show?

umm. … no? *sweats nervously* why would you ask that…….? … never

45. how do you feel about musicals being done live on tv now?

i think it’s a cool idea in general, making musicals more accessible to a wider audience, in a way that’s closer to live theatre. i just think the format is still too new and it needs a lot more practice until it’s going to work.

46. did you like grease live?

haven’t seen it

47. are you excited for hairspray live?

i was really excited beforehand, and then i was absolutely disappointed because it was more racist, more sexist, more ableist, and generally worse than the movie version, and while the cast was good, it wasn’t good enough to save bad directing.

48. what show do you desperately want your school/community to do?

well, I want RENT to be back in Germany, and not in the horrible German translation please. Maybe my current employer could get on that? they’re known for excellent stagings of musicals, and they also did Anything Goes in the english original.

49. are you a stronger singer or dancer?

i’m not great at either but I love doing both. since my body is a bit shit though, I suppose i have a slight advantage for my singing.

50. would you rather design the set, direct the show, or help with effects?

i already helped with video and audio effects once, that was fun. i’m no good at set design, and directing doesn’t sound too bad, but I’m not into the creative pressure that comes along with directing. i think I’ll just stick to my dramaturgy. :P

thanks love, for all the questions!