#other people idc as long as you don't talk to me while drunk or talk about drinking with me

[buysomecheese]

I feel like I should have a glass of wine with my dinner but. I do not drink nor do I condone underaged drinking for myself.

[mirrorballhughes]

I MISS YOU IM SORRY:

so it goes by taylor swift (luke and adelaide’s version)

TW/CW: slight smut, use of the word slut. a little praise, edging, toxic el and luke ( just wanna get you worked up and bothered) thats all i think?

also ik the song wouldnt take that long to go on but idc its a fun little fanfic okay !!! this is also more plot then smut im sorry!! this was also my first time writing smut! im sorry if its not great

18+ down below

Adelaide had just finished curling her hair, looking at herself in the mirror. she smiled at herself, fixing her black dress then headed out her room door grabbing her purse. the blonde walked down the stairs passing quinn on her way out. “della where are you off too?” the older hughes brother asked, causing adelaide to look at him. “mark texted about a party. sooo im going.” she smiled, getting a confirming nod from the older guy. quinn was in charge while the hunter and hughes parents were not at the lake house yet.

“alright. be safe, if you drink don't drive. text or call me or jack if you need a ride, or even better ask lu-“ “okay bye quinniee!” the girl interrupted sending him a smile not wanting to hear her ex boyfriend come into play. tonight was supposed to be fun for her, she was not supposed to be thinking about luke hughes. the hunters girl was carpooling with storm and a couple other people storm knew.

they got to the party, parking a few houses down as it was busy. adelaide booked it to the kitchen to make a drink, also meeting eyes with mark estapa and ethan edwards. “you came!” “i did!” she smiled as mark pulled her into a hug, “you look good addie!” mark said, ethan nodding his head in agreement. “made you this ad” ethan said handing her the other cup he was holding, the girl smiled and took it. “thanks edwards.” she sipped it, her face scrunched up from it being a bit strong causing the two boys to laugh at her.

“its good!” she said laughing a little, “havent had alcohol this summer yet.” “hmm sure u havent addie, but let's go dance!” mark said, pulling the girl away from the kitchen and into the living room. the pair were dancing together in the middle of the room. Adelaide felt his eyes somewhere, but was definitely not gonna meet his eyes. if she met those eyes bad things would be happening.

A few dances and many more drinks later, the pair was now sitting on a couch. adelaide sitting on Mark's lap as the pair was talking to some of the other umich boys. mark was peppering kisses on the girls neck, the pair being a little too drunk to care. the kisses did turn into little love bites causing adelaide to let out a breath, getting mark smirking as he looked at her.

mark was now settled back into the other guys conversation as adelaide was sipping from her cup locking eyes with luke. “see you in the dark” the hughes boy was staring right back as some other blonde girl was talking his ear off as she kept running her hand down his chest. “all eyes on you, my magician.” el had just realized he most definitely was watching mark suck on her neck. her eyes not leaving his, the girl smirked and grabbed marks face kissing him sloppily.

the team of hockey boys hooted and hollered, causing everyone else to look over at the pair. “all eyes on us.” the kiss grew lustful, luke rolled his eyes and looked away bringing his attention back to the girl in front of him. the hunter girl realized she won, smirking to herself she pulled away licking her lips as she looked at mark. “woah that was just woah.” he whispered, pecking her lips then went back to talking to his friends like nothing happened.

luke looked back at the pair, seeing estapa’s hand resting on the girls thigh, rubbing it slowly as his hands moving up her dress. adelaide locked eyes with the boy, moving the cup to her mouth. “you make everyone disappear and” the faint sound of taylor swift’s so it goes was playing as the couple stared back at each other. seeming as though there was a spotlight on each other, and everyone else just went away.

adelaide blinked, bringing her back to reality, looking away from luke. he looked so fucking good tonight. she had some bad thoughts happening in her head. mark smiled at the girl as she kissed his lips, causing the groups of boys to laugh at them. they weren’t sure if it was the drinks or if something was actually gonna happen between them. el looked back over at luke, who was practically eating the blonde girls face. “cut me into pieces.” the hunters girl gagged looking away from that pair, as luke came back for air he smirked seeing the girl look away upset.

the hughes boy wanted his el to himself. that black dress was made for her. he had his eyes on her the whole night, just watching over her. he hated seeing mark all over her like that. “gold cage, hostage to my feelings.” she was the only thought he ever had. In the corner of his eye, he saw adelaide get up and said the word bathroom to mark, the other boy nodded kissing the girl on the lips. adelaide giggled and headed up the stairs. “i'm gonna go to the bathroom.

i’ll be right back alright?” luke said loudly over the music, to the girl who’s name was lacy. “Yeah, that's fine! i'm gonna go find my friends! meet up later?” she asked, as luke nodded and headed up the stairs. surprisingly, luke had beat el up the stairs. “back against the wall.” as adelaide got to the top, basically falling up the steps. the girl was a little tipsy she thought she was imagining luke against the wall.

god who let him look that good? adelaide thought, giggling herself. she then turned to look at luke and just simply thought of when she was left without him at umich. “trippin’ trip-trippin’ when youre gone.” “hey.” luke said, looking back at the blonde. “bathroom free?” the girl asked, tucking her hair behind her ear. “no. but my friend lives here so i can take you to the guest bedroom and u can use that one?” the boy added, making adelaide nod grabbing lukes hand as he led her to the guest room. “cause we break down a little.”

“but when you get me alone, it’s so simple.” luke opened the guest room door, letting adelaide walk in first. she looked around the room as luke admired her from where he stood. “cause baby, i know what you know.” “that little act out there. that was for me huh?” luke said, getting adelaide to snap her neck to look at him. “we can feel it.” the lust filled tension in that room was ready to break. “what? no. god luke you are so obsessed.” adelaide rolled her eyes, lying to the boys face with a smile on her face. brats have more fun right?

lukes tongue poked his cheek, shaking his head as he made his away over to el. “and all the pieces fall right into place.” taylor blasted through the room, as the pair’s lips were now attached together, el tasted the beer on youngest hughes brothers lips as lu tasted some fruity cocktail mixed drink on the hunter girls lips.

adelaide pulled away smiling at luke seeing his swollen red lips and his lips being smudged with some of her lipstick. “gettin’ caught up in a moment, lipstick on your face.” adelaide licked her lips she was taking mental pictures of luke, knowing its been a while she seen her shade of lipstick on his lips. “what?” luke breathed out, checking the girl out his eyes moving slowly up and down, drinking in her body. “so it goes.”

“I'm yours to keep and I'm yours to lose.” the ex couple was enjoying this quite a bit. they knew behind this closed door, they were each others but once they walked out they weren't. “do you need to go to the bathroom?” luke asked, causing adelaide to smile. “mm not at this moment, no.” she said, moving closer to luke pecking his lips. luke grabbed the girls hips moving her closer to him as she found her way on his lap. “you know i'm not a bad girl, but i do bad things with you.” el moved closer to luke as the two kissed it slowly becoming more heated. “i can feel you love. calm down.” luke chuckled one moving hair out of her face, and the other hand rested on ass slowly rubbing it. “so it goes.”

luke grinned as she looked her up and down, grabbing the girls ass. adelaide moaned, her head going back a little. “god this dress el. it looks so fucking good on you. no wonder it was my favorite.” luke spoke moving closer to the girls lips. “black has always looked good on you.” adelaide blushed hearing his voice get a little raspy. “come here dressed in black now.” adelaide bit her lip looking at luke. the boy was smiling then took a look at her neck. light hickeys were all over her neck, luke scoffed, eyes darkened as he looked at the blonde. “so it goes.” adelaide smirked, realizing he was mad at the hickeys mark left.

“baby. this isn't a very good girl of you yeah? my slut let some other guy suck her neck?” luke said, causing adelaide to look down, “no. eyes up here.” luke barked, causing el to look up quickly. “answer me baby.” he said as she locked eyes with him. “yes- yes sir. i'm not a good girl and i let mark suck on my neck. what are you gonna do about that?” she smirked. luke rolled his eyes as he pushed her off his lap gently. “strip slut.” he spoke, eyeing her up. el got up and slowly started to strip out of her dress. “faster.” she nodded and let her dress fall down to her feet leaving her in her matching lace red thong and bra set. luke drank her body up, licking his lips. “my pretty girl knew she was getting fucked tonight yeah?” he said letting his hands roam on her body.

“yes baby. mark was supposed to.” she smirked knowing that wasn’t true but lukes face scrunched he was pissed. He could never get used to looking at her perfect body. He grew harder in his pants adelaide drooled a little watching his member. “oh really now?” luke spoke, grabbing the girls hips fastly moving her down on the bed. “gonna make you feel better then mark has ever will.” he spoke, kissing the girls lips slowly moving down to her neck. he licked her neck then started sucking on it. “mm” the noise came out of the girl's mouth. luke groaned hearing the noise, he missed hearing that knowing he was the only person who could get her feeling this good.

luke smirked as he moved his one hand to her pussy. feeling a pool of wetness on her panties. “god so wet and pretty. all for me right slut?” adelaide nodded, “words. use em.” luke unhooked his lips from the girls neck to look at her. “all for you pretty boy. this pussy is all yours.” adelaide spoke, licking her lips bringing her hands to tease her nipples through her bra. lu smirked bringing his lips back down to the other side of her neck, sucking on it. his fingers gently brushed her lips, he teased just rubbing her slowly. “fuck pretty boy. stop teasing!!” she whined causing luke to stop his rubbing all together. “sluts get teased, baby. rules are rules.” he smirked as he continued to suck her neck then pushed side her panties. he entered two fingers at once. moving them in and out fastly. “fuck babe.” el moaned not used to the two fingers. luke entered another as she squeezed against them. luke groaned from feeling that and from addie scratching down his back.

“scratches down your back now.” luke smirked at his artwork on the girls neck then brought his attention to the girls breasts. his other hand kept fingering her, the squelching noises were music to both of their ears. luke stripped her of her bra, tossing it beside her. then he kissed the girls lips then brought his mouth to one of her perky breasts, tongue swirling around her nipple causing her to moan. “mm fuck i think im close lu.” addie said as luke left hickeys on both of her breasts. luke smirked, licking his lips, feeling her grinding against his calloused fingers. “im gonna come lu-“ luke pulled his fingers out smirking as he stuffed them in his mouth to taste the girl.

“what the fuck lu?” adelaide whined, “bad girls don't get to come el. i thought you knew that baby.” he replied getting up. “you’re leaving??” adelaide sat up, “sorry baby you were bad tonight. if you want to continue; be a good girl for the rest of the night and we can see what will happen okay?” he replied smirking and then was walking out the door. “so it goes”

adelaide sat up and got back into her bra. she went to the bathroom, once she finished she saw herself in the mirror. “you did a number on me baby, but whos counting?” her neck hickeys were more prominent than before, and she noticed she had some hickeys where her boobs sat. “damn it hughes. left me this and couldn’t even let me finish what the fuck.” el spoke under her breath as she got back into her dress headed back downstairs. “i did a number on you baby, whos counting?” is what was heard when luke got downstairs he smirked to himself replaying that moment with adelaide in his head.

luke saw adelaide leaving the kitchen with a fresh drink in her hand as she made her way back over to mark. luke rolled his eyes then went to go find ladie? saide? thats just variations of adelaide what the fuck. “lacy!” luke spoke seeing the girl standing in front of him. his eyes were still on els. “oh shit i didnt realize i did all that to you addie. im so sorry” mark spoke, talking about the girls darkened hickeys. adelaide's face flushed, “its okay mar, things happen.” she giggled kissing the boys face. “you did a number on me baby, whos counting?” ade’s eye contact with luke who smirked at her almost causing her to spit her drink out. they both knew what truly went down but she was gonna let mark thing this was his whole work.

the pair shared longing and wanting stares with each other for the rest of the night. they wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other once they finally get to each other at home.

and all the pieces fall (pieces fall) right into place gettin caught up in a moment (caught up, caught up), lipstick on your face so it goes im yours to keep (oh) and im yours to lose (baby) you know im not a bad girl, but I (I do) do bad things with you so it goes.

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

❣️I'll Be Gentle ❣️

Dammon x Faeryl

Fluff. Minor Smut. 18+ Minors DNI. (Even if it is minor idc. DNI )

✨️ This is all based off of the "Halsin's Daughter" AU I've been working on! All posts regarding that can be found here -> ( x ) ✨️

Description: It's the eve of the first day of Summer. Mol, Arabella, and Faeryl are celebrating in Halsin's new found grove (Thaniel's realm). Mol swipes a bottle of wine jusr for the three of them and Faeryl confesses her feelings for Dammon. ;)

If you will please listen to this song once you get to the section with Dammon <3

Faeryl crossed her arms and hugged herself. She looked out into the commotion in front of her. Young children were braiding each other's hair and placing flowers in each stitch, some of the teenagers were sharing their first kisses under the night sky by the bonfire, and the smell of alcohol and roasted barbeque filled the air. Tonight marked the eve of the first day of summer. The festivities would go on for two more days. It was two days too many for Faeryl. While the atmosphere seemed fun and exciting for most, it reminded her of the grand parties held for drow nobles in the underdark. Her mother, would force her to wear the most revealing dresses and serve their guests wine, while Malice and Alistair enjoyed the festivities without a care. Her heart sank as she remembered the nobles that she got drunk on purpose. All lips she had to kiss only to steal away their secrets while they were most vulnerable, the indecent acts that she had to preform, only to bring that information to her mother. With her help, her mother fell many of the smaller noble houses. Faeryl wasn't particularly proud of this part of her past, but what choice did she have? She closed her eyes and listened to the laughter and music. Suddenly she felt something jump on her back.

“Hey Fay! Check out what I just nabbed from that fancy fellow over there!” Mol dangled a silver pocket watch in front of Faeryl's face as she struggled to keep her balance. Faeryl instinctively grabbed her legs and started piggy backing her. They were both giggling as Arabella came up to them, crossing her arms.

“Mol, please don't get us kicked out of the festivities here. We never get to let loose like this in Baulder's Gate.”

“Oh shut up Arabella. You and I both know that you want to stay here so you can drink with Rolan,” Mol teased.

Faeryl gasped in surprise. Her and Mol exchanged smirks and started giggling.

“Bella, baby, my love" Faeryl was laughing as she teasingly went down the list of pet names her and Mol called Arabella, “Rolan? Surely you can do better. He's so -"

“Cranky" Mol interrupted. She had hopped off of Faeryl's back and was now working on opening a bottle of wine. The top came off with a pop and nearly hit Arabella in the head. Luckily, Arabella saw it coming and had moved her head to the left right as she heard the pop.

“Mol! Where did you get that? You're going to get us in trouble!” Arabella exclaimed.

“Swiped it from the table. Also, don't change the subject, Bella. We gotta talk about you an' Rolan" Mol took a long swig from the bottle and passed it to Faeryl. She wasn't a novice when it came to alcohol, but she had never had this kind before. She sniffed the bottle. It smelled like strawberries and judging from the bottle it looked like it was home made by the people of this grove. She shrugged and took a long swig from it as well.

“I mean. Don't get me wrong, he's a couple years my senior but I'm not a kid anymore! I am an adult, a young adult, but an adult never the less. Besides, if I recall you used to have a small crush on Dammon. His stuff used to go missing and we all knew it was you.” Arabella took the bottle from Faeryl and started taking sips from it.

“Hey now! I was a girl! And besides he had some good stuff sitting around at his forge" Mol crossed her arms and pursed her lips. Faeryl laughed. Although she wasn't a huge fan of parties, Mol and Arabella made her feel like she was at home. These two teifling girls were her best friends. Being with them almost made her forget about her past and why she was at this grove in the first place. This was all she wanted in life. To be herself without judgement and to enjoy life with the ones she loved.

“Well. It seems that our little drow princess has taken a liking to him. I wonder if she'll even visit him tonight?” Arabella winked at Faeryl.

“That is, if Halsin doesn't tear him apart. He doesn't seem the type to but Arabella and I did over hear him talking to the other druids about you disappearing in between lessons.” Mol was checking her nails and swished her tail. This was something she did whenever she was telling them some juicy information. “Let's just say that daddy dearest is a little upset about you've been putting your druidic studies on the back burner.”

Faeryl was a little surprised. Halsin was always teaching others about the ways of nature. He believed that their hearts should roam free; that nature intended for you to enjoy your desires. Why would he care so much about hers? She had never told him about her daily visits with Dammon. Did he even know? They had just recently found out that they were father and daughter �� surely he would not be this invested in her personal life already? Maybe that wasn't it. This grove had multiple archdruids in charge, this was so that the responsibility didn't fall on one person but a council , that worked together. Faeryl was sure that the council had spoken to him about the danger that she was to the grove. Halsin had stood up for her, stating that she was his responsibility and she will learn to control her powers in order to stay here. Was he worried that she would never gain control of the beast?

“Oi!” Faeryl's thoughts were broken up by the acorn that Mol threw at her head, “Did ya hear me? Are ya going to see your smithy boy or nah?”

Faeryl didn't have time to respond back before Arabella put a hand on her shoulder and began to pick some twigs out of her silver hair. “What Mol is trying to say is, let's just relax and have a couple of drinks. We'll help each other braid our hair and then, you'll go see Dammon, I'll go see Rolan, and Mol is going to pay a visit to that pretty little blonde elf girl that keeps eyeing her by the fire.”

Mol was sat down next to them. Her legs were spread, her elbows were on her knees, she had the wine bottle in one hand and was staring at someone. She took a swig and then nodded and winked.

“Okay, we may need to start braiding now. I think we're losing her" Arabella laughed and started working.

---------------------------------------

Faeryl leaned against the door frame to Dammon's small forge. According to what Dammon has told her, this was nothing compared to the one that he had in Baulder's Gate. She was surprised that she had never been to his shop. She knew that Mol and Arabella went there frequently to trade the weapons they would pick up on guild missions, but Faeryl was always out doing something else. The something else was mainly playing with the local cats near the home the three of them rented together. Had she chosen running errands over petting the cats, she may have met him sooner. Maybe they would have been more than just friends by now. She imagined his lips on hers and her heart started to race. His eyes were the color of the sky, a beautiful shade of blue she would have never known in the underdark. Maybe he felt the same about her? Maybe they could explore their favorite pleasures together. Mayb-

“Oh Faeryl! Did you need something?”

Faeryl jumped a little bit. She hadn't realized that she had been staring off into space. She turned a shade of pink when she realized that she had been staring off in his direction for gods know how long.

“Oh um. I was just wondering where you were. I didn't see you out celebrating” She rubbed the back of her neck hoping that it would calm her down a little bit.

“Well. I had a client from this grove request this sword as soon as possible. I come here monthly because many of my clients can't make it to Baulder's Gate to buy my products, so they pay extra when I have to come out. I feel a little bad about celebrating while my job isn't done yet.”

Faeryl walked up to see the sword that he was working on. It was a light weight short sword. No doubt it was for a small woman as the handle was adorned with intricate swirls and designs.

“It's beautiful"

“Thank you" Dammon chuckled and smiled, “Can I ask you why you're not out celebrating? The night is still young and as far as I know they usually celebrate until dawn.”

Faeryl laughed and hopped up on his work table, “Oh I got bored. Mol is out there pit pocketing people and kissing girls. Arabella is flirting with Rolan.”

Dammon laughed and seemed genuinely surprised. He set down his hammer and pulled off his gloves. “Rolan? You can't be serious.”

Faeryl responded with a shrug. “I suppose it’s the wine and brandy speaking, rather than any of the brain cells the two have left after finishing three bottles together.”

“And you? Did you share a drink with anyone?” He came over and sat on the table next to her. She noticed that his feet still touched the ground and hers were dangling. Faeryl couldn't help but to think about how tall and handsome he was.  

“Other than the two idiots I came with? No. Everyone in this grove seems a little scared of me. I don't blame them. The majority of the druids out there are wood elves and they seem to have a disdain for drow, even if I am half wood elf”

“For what it’s worth. I enjoy the company you bring. Well, I also enjoy the honey buns you bring me in the mornings when I'm here. That being said, I do wait on you to stop by.”

Faeryl's heart felt like it was going to explode as he smiled at her. Gods was it noticeable that she was fawning over him? She kissed so many lips and wasn't completely innocent in the sexual favors department, but something about him made her lose all sense.

“It's nice to know that you think of me that way. Thank you. But you must have someone you're excited to see back home?” Faeryl was hoping the answer was no, but she knew there was a good chance that he did have someone back home. Though she never visited his forge, she's always heard many young women mention his name along with how handsome they thought he was.

“Actually, no. It hasn't really crossed my mind. I just keep getting more and more orders and clients. So, it hasn't been a priority. And you?”

“If we're being honest? No. I've kind of been on the run and then I saw my half brother, lost control of my wildshape and now I'm here. I haven't felt safe enough to get close anyone other than Mol and Arabella . . .” Faeryl started to wonder off in her conversation. She looked down at the ground. Everything so far has been a whirlwind of events. All of it happened so fast she never had time to process it. If Alistair found her in Baulder's Gate after all these years, there's no doubt he would find her again. Her days were numbered. It was now or never. She didn't want to die, not yet, not without knowing what love was. Not without knowing the passion behind it. Every act of intimacy up until this point had been a façade. There was no pleasure, just the anxiety of hoping the act was enough to ensure her survival.

“Faeryl?”

“Dammon. Listen. Please don't feel pressured to do or say anything, but I feel safest here. With you.”

She had looked up from the ground to find that he was standing in front of her. He leaned in and kissed her. It was so tender and sweet. Faeryl thought she might faint. The longer their lips intertwined the more light headed she got. When he pulled away he lifted her chin with his index finger and caressed her bottom lip with his thumb.

“Gods, I thought it was all in my head.” He kissed her again. This time it was it was more eager and harder. He kissed her as if he had been starved for a millennium. She began to untie the strings of her blouse. He slowly pulled the garment past her shoulders, exposing her breasts. Her nipples pebbled as the cool night air hit them. He pulled away from their kiss and soaked in the site. She was beautiful. Her cheeks were flushed a rosy pink color, her silver hair fell from her braid and framed her face perfectly, and her eyes, Gods, Dammon couldn't handle how gorgeous her eyes were. They were adorned with long silver lashes, her hazel irises had flecks of gold in them, and they had this innocent doe like look to them.

“Fuck me, you look like a princess,” he breathed. He ripped off his apron and shirt and placed tender kissed on her collar bone. Faeryl let out a small gasp as he began to place light marks on her skin. He began to undo her trousers, but stopped when he felt her hand on top of his. She was shaking.

“I'm sorry, am I going too fast?”

“No, not at all. It's just that. . . I haven't. . . I was only allowed to seduce in the underdark. A kiss was nothing, oral wasn't a big deal, but no one was every allowed to actually have sex with me. My mother, she held my virginity to the highest bidder – of course I ran before that happened”

“Are you frightened?”

“Not with you. Every other man who placed their hands on me wanted to hurt me – I know you would never. Not on purpose.”

He kissed her forehead “I'll be gentle. We'll go your pace. Just tell me when you're uncomfortable.”

She nodded.

Thanks for reading! I also realize that there's a lot of dialogue - that is on purpose - I will eventully be going back and doing voice overs for Faeryl (maybe even Mol and Arabella for practice).

Aso - I realize that I am not a very detailed smut writer. I comend those who can do it but like - I am a caveman and can barely form words in general, let alone word a detailed sex scene.

[carraville]

Hi there I'm writing a fic and wondered if you could help me with something. I don't know an awful lot about David beckham Paul scholes and Phil Neville. I know your a man Utd fan and you'll probably love them all haha but just tell me what they're like from what you can gather as people and players. Even if it's just your opinion that's fine! Thanks so much for your help

ok SO i do love them a lot and i know much more about them than i ought to, so much so to the point that it might be more useful if you had something more specific you need to ask about, because i…am far too involved in them??? buT general-wise i wrote a draft primer on the co92 a while ago and I’m just going to copy and paste from there and hope this helps!!!! 

putting this under a read more because this is....long

BECKS:

Everyone and their mum (especially their mums, probably) knows who David Beckham is, but did you know him when he thought that curtains were not just to make windows pretty but also for hair? Did you? Because curtain becks is almost as bad as half-alive mullet becks (although nothing can beat cornrow becks in the history of what the fuck were you thinking, let’s be real).

What can I tell you about Becks that you don’t already know? He has OCD and has to have an even number of coke cans in the fridge. He took cooking classes when he was at Milan and learnt how to make pasta (a far cry from his humble beginnings in Gary Neville’s kitchen). His middle name is Robert for Bobby Charlton. He’s honestly a more down-to-earth and clever bloke than people give him the credit for and he’s really just a little boy who’s loving what he does and works incredibly hard for it? A lot of people always remember the underwear modeling (for good reason, I mean, have you seen) but in doing so they dismiss his playing days, which is ridiculous because he was so fucking good. And hey, you can be good at both football and looking like a life-sized, anatomically correct Ken doll! His crosses were exquisite, his free kicks were sublime, and the partnership he had with Gaz is still guilty of murder for killing me through old, grainy youtube videos. Also everyone’s always keen to stress that he’s never really let fame change him or the way he deals with people, which is lovely.

If you wanna kill urself, watch his retirement interview with Gary, because it perfectly sums up who he is. Boy from Leytonstone who wanted to play football. He’s so insistent on being remembered as a player that it really breaks your heart that more people don’t. No one talks about how he tried that Wimbledon goal every day in training, or how he still hits exquisite free kicks aged 40plus because he practiced them for so damn long. He’s a beautiful talented hardworking boy and I lov him!! and he’s not arrogant or anything at all he’s just so cool!

Becks left United in 2003 after a bit of a bust up with Fergie, even though they remain on great terms nowadays. It broke everyone’s heart, it broke Gary’s heart, but it wasn’t so bad for Becks bc he found a Spanish goalkeeper to frolic around with. Still couldn’t watch us play for years, though, so there!!! In 2007 he moved to LA Galaxy, in 2013 he moved to PSG, and he retired then. It was great, he got thrown into the air and shit bc he was retiring so it wouldn’t matter if he broke his legs. ffs lads.

Fun fact: I still laugh at the fact that his house in Hertfordshire was called Beckhingham Palace

SCHOLESY:

My favourite story of him regarding this Intense Dislike for Humanity is this one: after the 2008 CL final, which we won, he was the first and only one on the team bus while everyone else was ostensibly getting drunk off their tits. At the next press conference, reporters asked him if he’d wanted to have some time to himself and reflect on how he’d finally gotten redemption for 1999. He stared at them and said, “I just wanted to go home.” 

IDC IF IT’S AN URBAN MYTH IT BASICALLY SUMS HIM UP ENTIRELY.

My other favourite story of him is him telling AC Milan’s president that ‘if you want me to play for you, you’ll have to buy this club’, because we’re the best club in the world. Seriously, his love for United is so great. Sometimes he’s described as an Oldham fan, but he’s said before that it was United first and Oldham second. Did I say ‘said’? I probably meant smoke-signalled it because this bitch is so hard to get interviews with. There’s this great one where he’d just retired or something so the BBC got him to do an interview and their first question was ‘is this a living hell for you, then?’ and his response was ‘it is, really, yeah…I’ve been thinking to myself ‘why the hell did I agree to this???’. I know people have been knocking him for talking a lot more nowadays but a) he’s a pundit, it’s his job to talk and b) I rly think it’s just because it’s his only link with football that he has left?? So he puts himself thru it, because he just loves football so much, and that makes me love him even more? The directors of CO92 had a kickabout with him and described it as watching a little boy play again and I think that’s just the most beautiful and pure thing and Scholesy is so pure. Except when he’s setting people on fire.

BC HE DOES THAT A LOT, like, you think he’s quiet so he ain’t gonna be up for much banter but, my dude, he is the most savage person you will ever encounter. The closest I’ve ever seen him come to pissing himself laughing was when he was describing attacking Phil with a 50-yarder and knocking a POOR INNOCENT BOY flat on the ground. Laughing at that! Also his sense of humour is absolute wreckage. Gary has the best story:

People think Scholesy’s shy and quiet but he’s one of the most cutting people I know. Example: the day Diana Law, who worked in United’s press department, was chatting with the players. “Gary, you remind me of my brother for some reason,” she said. “Why?” Scholesy replied, quick as a flash. “Is he a knob too?”

HAHAH u knob. AnyWAY this is getting long but tldr tiny ginger little shit who hates the world and would probably hate how much i love him. He debuted for United in 1994, scoring twice against Port Vale, and retired in 2011, then unretired in 2012 and waltzed into our starting XI, and then retired again in 2013. So the only person we could find to replace Paul Scholes was Paul Scholes. smh.

Fun fact: he used to steal all of Gary’s shit and hide things and he’s SUCH A LITTLE SHIT, both literally and figuratively, I love it

PHIL:

ok phil is just the sweetest purest cinnamon roll you will ever meet, ever, I mean you probably won’t ever meet him but u know what i mean. Sometimes I think he’s too sweet bc he’s such a dumb pushover. Someone once said he was everyone’s favourite Neville just by virtue of being not Gary. Which is hilarious. ANyway he’s a fuckin sweetie pie and family man who constantly refers to his kids has his babies even tho Harvey is, like, old enough to drive I think?? and he’s an incredibly good dad to Isabella especially who has cerebral palsy but he’s so!!!! supportive!!! and god what did we do to deserve this dumb boi. If we were doing a CO92/Spice Boys crossover he would be Redders hands down because he also gets a lot of stick, from his commentary to his analysis (I s’pose it doesn’t help when ur bruv keeps winning shit like pundit of the year), but he always takes it on the chin and laughs it off and keeps on being such a good person, kind to everyone he meets and genuinely good-natured. I love his self-deprecating humour, it’s the best thing. He also loves United a lot, altho probably not as much as he loves Gaz uwu

Ok, so he’s not the world’s most exciting or greatest player, but he was honestly rly talented and people can forget that?? I mean you don’t just make captain of Everton bc you’re the United captain’s lil bro. He scored some amazing goals when he was at United - maybe the olden day Jesse Lingard - not a great goal scorer but a scorer of great goals. And he was always so intent and almost enthusiastic going into things, which kinda mirrors his puppy personality, which I lov. because don’t let his puppy dog eyes and smile fool u, ok, he’s just as driven as all of them and he will get what he want. probably just with less blood and dead people than, like, scholesy.

He’s two years younger than the rest of them so he made his debut in ‘95 and then heartbreakingly left in 2005, going on to captain Everton (but not before scoring an own goal against us bc he loves us still really). He retired in 2013.   All these kids retiring in the same year! Tsk. It’s like they planned it or something.

Fun fact: he was a brilliant cricketer and used to play with Freddie Flintoff. A tear shed for the hungover Philip at Buckingham Palace that we never had