#our friend and my housemate went to visit him yesterday so hopefully hes let him know im coping fine so he doesnt have to feel guilty

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 13 October 2017

Man, Dudence feels terrible.  I. Was. Late.  I had this written yesterday.  I’d like to say that Mrs. Dudence’s birthday, or playing with Little Dudence, or any number of other reasons justified being late.  But I cannot.  It is all on me.  Today is the first day of the ALCS and this is, hopefully, the last of Herpes Week.  I might have to add “An STD doesn’t mean you’re an awful person” to Dudence’s Guidelines.  As always, shoot me an email at AskDearDudence@gmail.com or hit me up on Facebook.

I have a girlfriend I love very much. I have moderate depression and anxiety, and she has supported me for the entirety of our relationship; she’s a really excellent partner and person. We technically have an open relationship, but neither of us has acted on it yet, so we talk a lot about how we’re feeling and any worries we have. I’ve never had this kind of “check-in” before, and it feels great.

I also have three fantastic housemates, two of whom are in a couple. Before they started dating (also before I started dating my current partner), I had really strong feelings for one of them and had to work through a lot of sadness and jealousy when I heard about their relationship. Recently my feelings have resurfaced in full force, along with some feelings for the other half of the couple. I am often hit with waves of sadness and/or jealousy when I see them together, even if we’re all hanging out. Sometimes I think about what it would have looked like if I’d ended up with the friend I first liked, but mostly now it’s more wanting to be part of the couple, too—wanting to be around them, be together, be included (and yes, I’d really like to kiss both of them!).

Dear Gay and Tired, how terrible have your other residences as an adult been that a situation where you’re increasingly anxious, depressed, and jealous to the point it is eroding your mental health is the best situation you’ve ever been in?  That is just rough and as Newdie said you (or them) is probably going to need to move.  Although I think that either you or them moving out is the best option, I don’t think you should dismiss “tell them how I feel” out-of-hand.  You say you’ve discussed it with your girlfriend and that you wouldn’t do anything without her okay, which tells me she hasn’t said your feelings for them are a deal-breaker.  Talk it over with your girlfriend, have her give you her consent or not.  Is she doesn’t you’re not the worse off, if she does broach it with your roommates; please let one of them be named Jessie....  The worst case is you’ve blown up a friendship and have to move; you were going to need to do the latter either.  But I’d be willing to bet your roommates are aware that there is something up with you, maybe not the extent or details, but they know.  Give them the opportunity to tell you how they feel, and even if they’re not into it, it’s possible they won’t make it awkward.  And in the best case scenario a whole lot of people get to bang one another.  And if that does come to pass toss an invite to your fourth roommate, it’s just rude to leave them out.

I am an older, sexually conservative woman who got herpes from a man I was dating. He’s a pillar of the community and did not tell me he had herpes. I had a long dry spell before we started dating. My issue is that I have an unlabeled bottle of herpes medication in my desk drawer at work. My administrative assistant asked for some pain relievers, and I opened my desk drawer and shared from a labeled, over-the-counter bottle of acetaminophen. I saw her staring at the unlabeled bottle in the drawer. Later that day I went back to my office, and she and another person had actually opened the unlabeled bottle and were looking at the medicine! 

  Dear Pariah, I’m going to guess you had a moment of l’esprit de l’escalier with your assistant and her conspirator.  I think you need to go speak with, at least, your HR department about the original incident and determine what options, if any, you have at your disposal.  I also think a visit with an attorney who specializes in this area of the law would be in order, since this wasn’t something your employer erroneously revealed, I don’t know if the FMLA applies or if your state has a law against disclosing private facts.  At the very least your HR folks need to refamiliarize the employees with rules regarding unauthorized disclosure of medical information, and the consequences for such disclosure.  I’d think this is something they’d be very interested to do as the employer might want to know if they have an employee who can’t keep her trap shut regarding private medical information.  In regards to your assistant you are long past the time when you were too stunned to act.  You need to have a very pointed conversation with her about her incredible violation of your privacy.  I’d have prefered this conversation was had as part of her exit interview because you were firing her, but that’s me and we’re now months beyond the incident.  You don’t need to get into details about what the medication was for because it doesn’t matter.  It could have been for Supergonsyphyliaidsepes which you got from a foursome involving a pair of dwarves an octopus and it wouldn’t matter what the medication was because the grossest thing involved in this incident was your assistant and her co-conspirator shifting through your medication to identify what you were taking.  Granted, if you want to have some fun, when you do bring this up with HR tell them you caught her snooping through your desk looking through your medication and you’re worried she has a drug problem.  Let her explain to the HR pogue that she was merely snooping at your anti-viral drugs, not trying to score her next fix.  There is nothing in this which is your fault.  I know that doesn’t help with the feelings of shame, embarrassment, and betrayal but you need to remind yourself of it.  

I got married six months ago. My relationship with my family is at best distant—we don’t have a lot in common and there were several incidents of what I’ve been told most people would call abuse (but I’m not there yet, mentally speaking). My dad is a racist, sexist creep. I’ve managed to get him to tone it down around me enough that I can handle a monthly phone call, but that’s my limit. I really didn’t want him to walk me down the aisle, but by the end of the engagement, I was so burned out on decision-making that I just didn’t have the strength for that conversation, with him or any of my many relatives who would have demanded an explanation.

Dear Angry, Just Angry, it’s time for you to redefine your relationship with your father.  Either have a final conversation with him where you tell him that you’re not going to be able to talk with him again until he addresses his alcohol problem (if you even wish to continue having conversations with him if he sobers up), or get your husband to do it for you.  Hopefully there’s someone in your family who you trust enough to tell them why you’re not going to be talking with your father and that you want to limit your exposure to him during your brother’s medical issue.  While you might feel foolish for not knowing the extent of his problems, someone else in your family knew, and they needed to give you the head’s up.  As for your wedding, I know it’s hard to see it now, but this is something that’s going to fade.  Your friends and guests don’t view you being walked down the aisle by your father as an “endorsement”.  They don’t blame you for his behavior.  I think a good way for you to start moving forward with your own feelings from that day would be to finish up with your photographer.  Have your husband call your photographer and schedule the time to go over your photos for the album; but also have your photographer take out pictures with your dad prior to arriving.  Let you see that you still looked beautiful, happy, in love and excited for the life you were going to start with your new husband.  It’s amazing how much your memory of an event can improve when you’re spared a reminder of who you thought was ruining it.

My family is not well-off and neither am I. My parents always try to help me where they can because they feel guilty that they couldn’t give me a better financial start in life, which has never been something I held against them. My sister recently had a baby, and I came up to visit and help ferry my mom, who dislikes driving, to and from the hospital. My last morning here, my dad got up early and took my car to get gas.  I came downstairs afterward, and my car keys were on the table with one or two 20-dollar bills folded underneath them. I assumed this was the money they’d offered me to help pay for my sister’s shower. I left it there, but when I came back less than an hour later, it was gone. My mom and I were the only two people in the house. I didn’t say anything because what if I was wrong and I accused my mom of taking money meant for me? But Prudie, I don’t think I am wrong.

Dear Cheated, slow your roll high speed.  As NuPru points out you’re making two assumptions; the money was for you and your mom took it for nefarious reasons.  Let’s play this out:

“Hey dad, I saw there was a couple $20s on the table the other day, was that for me to cover the shower?”  

“No, it was my change from getting gas.”

Or, “Yes it was, why?”

Then, “I left it on the table, but when I came back it was gone.”

“Oh, yeah, your mom picked it up, she thought it was the change from when I went to get gas.  I forgot, here you go.”

Scene. Last night my wife and I went to a small theater to watch The Mystery of Edwin Drood. In the row in front of us, a woman became increasingly amorous with her date. She first leaned over and kissed his cheek. Then she took off her shoes, put her legs on his lap, and started kissing his neck. Then they began a lip-lock session—all while we were trying to watch the play. My wife, who had to look through their hook-up to watch the stage, leaned forward and asked them to break it up. Fortunately they did and must have decided to carry on elsewhere, as they didn’t return for the second act. At what point is it reasonable to ask people to “get a room” during a performance? And what would you suggest saying?

Dear Prude at Edward Drood, try asking your wife for help with this question.  If you’re feeling feisty though you could always offer to join in or you and your wife show them how it’s done.

I am a professional woman in my mid-30s. My parents live about five hours away, and I visit them for a few days at a time every few months. My mother has unacknowledged anxiety problems that prevent her from traveling to see me (her go-to excuse is that her pet needs her, although they have a pet sitter at the ready). She also refuses to call me. She says she could “never live with [her]self” if she disturbed me while I was asleep, as I sometimes work nights—though I’ve explained the Do Not Disturb feature on my phone and told her she can always leave me a voicemail if I don’t pick up.

Dear Not Asleep, you’re not unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt that she won’t initiate contact, but it might just be a thing you’re going to need to accept.  At least until she decides to do something about her issues keeping her from calling you.  I don’t know if you’re visiting them “enough” because I have no idea what “enough” would look like, but a visit every few months for several days at a time seems more than reasonable.  It sounds like you’re doing everything people would expect from a caring child.  You mom’s hang-ups are not something you can do anything about if she doesn’t want to do anything about them.  Call and visit when you can in good conscience.  If you do want to do something yourself though, next time you call your mom tell her you’re hanging up and you’d like her to call you back.  You’re awake, you’re expecting her call, let her see it isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Not sure if it would work, but maybe it can help her get over the issue she has with doing it for real.