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[dudence-blog]

Just when I thought I was out...

What does it take to get me to do this again?

This.

It took this.

I just love dogs: I live in the downtown area of a gentrifying city. I have worked intentionally to become part of the community I joined, while respecting its roots—supporting local business, volunteering, etc. I know I have lots of unconscious racial biases, but I try hard to listen and not cause harm.

Dear I Love Dogs, this question goes on FOREVER.  You unironically use the phrase “dog parents”.  You also wrote “I usually operate with a fairly high level of emotional intelligence...”   Jeebus fuck, find a physician who can undo your rectal-cranial inversion and have your head extracted from your fifth point of contact.  Maybe they do think you’re a racist.  They certainly think you’re an asshole.  You should write them a note and slip it under their door so you can remove all doubt.

Sigh.  Okay.  Frustration is gone.  Now for useful advice.  Don’t write a note.  NuPru’s advice to apologize is spot on.  Since “apologize” didn’t pop into your head before “explain how I’m not really racist” I also suggest you do a little self-reflection on just how high your EQ really is.

Cousin: My cousin “Fred” and I grew up together. High school was very rough for him, but college is even worse. Fred has always been overweight and struggled with the opposite sex. His high school girlfriend broke up with him when she got accepted to a different college than he did. Fred hasn’t had a date since. He dresses like a slob, doesn’t shave, and does nothing but play video games and watch porn.

Dear Cousin, you don’t need to procure women for Fred.  Ignore NuPru’s advice about what you need to tell Fred.  Fred’s greatest limitation is not his misogyny but the fact that he is romantically unpleasant in every other way.  Don’t get me wrong, having video games and masturbating as a hobby isn’t a bad choice, but all things in moderation here.  Fred needs to become a person people want to be with if he wants people (read: ladies) to want to be with him.  Being overweight, not conventionally attractive, demeaning towards women, engaged in a lot of gaming and self-love are not, by themselves, barriers to getting laid.  But when you bring in the healing power of And to these traits you’re going to be doing a lot of self-love.  Straight-forwardly tell Fred that you’re not going to hook him up with anyone because right now he’s not someone you’d want anyone you know to hang out with.  You can be as kind or mean in this delivery as you wish.  But it’s a message that needs to be delivered.

Forgiving a May-December marriage: A few years ago, one of my closest friends started dating an 18-year-old girl. The relationship creeped me out because even though nothing seemed “wrong,” he was not anywhere close to being 18. I couldn’t see past it, so I pulled away from our friendship. Now it’s several years later, the couple is still together, and they’re talking marriage. The girl is now an age I consider old enough and wise enough to take care of herself, despite the age gap. Was I wrong to judge?

Dear Forgiving, see, this is question where Prudie’s recent joining of the patriarchy is failing him.  He sees “Older man dating young, but legal, adult,” and can’t wrap his mind around the idea that, sometimes, there are men who like young women, and there are women who also, like those older men.  So, where you’re seeing the okay to do something you want to do, he’s breaking out the “Maybe he was grooming her!”  First off, you know what, I’m going to say that you were wrong to judge them and to pull away from your friend due to this judgmental attitude.  But, we’re past this now, you miss your friend, your friend misses you, and you’re now comfortable with J. Howard and Anna’s relationship.  Re-engage with them, and if the topic of “why did we drift apart?” comes up, lie.

Heathen with hurt feelings: One of my best friends, “George,” got married this past weekend. We’ve been friends for about five years. I love his wife, “Alice,” too, who is kind and fun. They are a great match. I was around for a lot of the wedding planning, and I was aware they were planning a traditional Catholic ceremony as this was incredibly important to Alice’s parents and, to a lesser extent, Alice, who is a progressive practicing Catholic. George was raised Catholic but is now not religious. He made it clear to me that the ceremony was for Alice and her family. He expressed often how ironic he found it to be getting married in a Catholic church after he had distanced himself so much from the religion. Though I was expecting a traditional ceremony, I was honestly blown away by how regressive, patriarchal, and homophobic it was. It contained multiple, overt references to marriage as a union for a man and a woman. The theme of the homily was marriage as not about one’s own happiness but about servitude and sacrifice.

Dear Heathen, annnnnnnnnnnnd here we are.  The question that made me have to remember a Tumblr password.  “It contained multiple, overt references to marriage as a union for a man and a woman.”  Yes, because you were in a Catholic Church seeing two Catholics being married by a Catholic priest.  I was going to make a cheap-shot about your marriage recently ending and you taking a homily about sacrifice in a marriage, but that isn’t fair.  However, yes, a happy marriage does involve a good deal of sacrifice and servitude.  A marriage is not about you, or them, and if you make it so then you’re probably going to be disappointed.  But that is neither here nor there.  You wanting to have a conversation with George because his wedding to the woman he loves made you feel bad is an incredibly self-centered move.  You’re basically asking “How can I make one of the most important days of my friend’s life about how it hurt me?”  Actually, you know what, you’re not “basically” asking that.  That is what you’re asking.  You should totally ask him that verbatim.

No.  Don’t do that.

Ignore Prudie.  There is about zero approaches you can approach this issue in a way that is not an attack on George and Alice.  

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 8 March 2018

Been doing some home projects and was very proud of a nice TV shelf I built. Very proud of how it turned out and I can still count to 10!  YAY!  Winning.  So, now we’re off to the questions and answering them for people who don’t know I’m answering them! 

My father passed away last year and I’ve finished up most of the legal matters, but I have boxes and boxes of family photos. My father was born very poor, but I doubt members of the British royal family have led such documented lives. I have hundreds of photos of him at every stage of his life. I have photos of my mother—including an album and 16 mm film from her first wedding, a marriage that only lasted eight months. I have photos of my grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-great grandparents. I have school pictures, team pictures, travel pictures, holiday pictures. All these photos completely fill a large walk-in closet.

Dear Family Photos, you don’t need to sacrifice your space and time to store something you don’t want.  I do think you should do what you can to preserve those items.  Just because you can’t imagine who’d want to see it doesn’t mean no one in your family, or elsewhere, won’t.  if you’ve got the money to spend it would probably be worth looking into a photo organizing/digitizing service.  You could probably even solicit financial help from the rest of the family since it is a project aimed at the family.  Get an estimate, shoot out and email saying what it’s going to cost and see if anyone would like to PayPal you some of the cash.  Depending on how much you value your time and doing something else with it the several hundred to over a thousand dollars for such services might even be cheap.  If you’re balking at the cost try and get some other interested family members to come over and go through the bounty.  Put everything that can be identified in one pile, that which can’t in another.  Apply whatever filters you want to the first pile; “We want 10 photos of Grandma and Grandpa”, “At least one photo from every house we lived in”, whatever.  Let your imagination run wild.  When everything is filtered take the discard pile, contact your local historical society or a heritage society and see if they’d like some of the photos (great-great-great grandparent pictures might feature background locations which have been destroyed for decades).  If there is a design or art school in the area see if they could use it; old photos can be used in projects, for inspiration, whatever.  Finally, just take some handfuls, post them on eBay as bulk vintage photographs and sell them.  You don’t need to let your family’s history dominate your storage space, but you can fulfill your role of custodian and not let than happen.

We took in my son’s girlfriend when she was 15, after her stepfather broke her arm and her mother threw her out because she wouldn’t lie to the police to protect him. She was the daughter people pray for: kind, respectful, and smart—she graduated fourth in her class despite everything she went through. My son and her broke up in their senior year, but she continued to live with us even while our son went off to college. (She went to community college and became a pharmacy tech.) They are both 23 now. We see her regularly and consider her part of our family. My son’s current girlfriend dislikes this. She says she will not come to visit us if we continue to have her over, and guilts my son for coming alone. He skipped Christmas and Thanksgiving last year on her orders.

Dear Like a Daughter, sometimes it’s really hard not to let me mind go wild filling in missing context.  Such as how much of “what my girlfriend said” have you heard from the girlfriend herself and not through your son?  “How does your son feel about his ex becoming his ‘sister’ in the eyes of his family?”  “Was their break-up mutual and amicable?”  “Are there any sort of lingering romantic feelings from either party?”  Taking everything at face value your son is probably letting his dick do a bit too much of his thinking for him.  Disappointing, but understandable.  It also means you probably don’t need to worry about this breaking up your family or you losing your son.  He’ll be moving on.  Taking this a step deeper though, let’s look at what’s going on here.  Your other children have discontinued contact.  You’re using some pretty hurtful language to describe your son’s disappointing but not wholly unusual actions, and I’m going to question just how welcoming you are towards his new girlfriend given you’re referring to a woman he’s been with for at least half a year as “the girl he has been sleeping with”.  Finally, your foster daughter is a young woman herself, maybe she should be finding her own “boy/girl she has been sleeping with” so she’s not left with “Ex’s family” as the only people she has in her life.  

My mother remarried when I was 17 to “Dan.” Dan was accused of molesting several neighborhood girls after I was 23 and married. The evidence was pretty damning: Beyond the girls’ testimony, he sent explicit photos to a 12-year-old girl and tried to get her to do the same. Dan plea bargained and served less than a year in prison. My mother stood by him during it all and even sold the house my dead father left her to pay for Dan’s legal fees. Her support of Dan broke our relationship. Our last serious conversation involved me begging her to see the evidence (the texts had just come to light), and I asked what she would have done if I had been one of those molested little girls. My mother said that wouldn’t have happened because she didn’t raise me to be a “slut.” Since then, I don’t visit and rarely call my mother.  I am pregnant now, and we know it is going to be a little girl. After we posted the news on Facebook, my mother sent me a physical letter explaining that she was sorry about our “estrangement,” excited to be a grandma, and hoped this would be a new beginning for us all. I miss her so badly, and never thought I would go through this without her.

Dear Mom’s Support of a Child Molester, wow… and then there’s the letter which fills in a lot of the contect.  This is not better.  On principle I have a tough time condemning someone for loving who they love; emotions are weird.  But I think you’ve got to make the difficult decision to cut your mom out of the loop for the time being.  Maybe permanently.  It’s not the “being married to a child molester” part which really squicked me out, but the part where she says the girls bore some responsibility for Dan’s actions.  It would be one thing if she admitted he’d done some terrible things, but she still loves him in spite of it… he paid the price for his actions… blah blah blah.  I mean, shoot, a father in Texas just successfully petitioned the governor to commute his son’s death sentence, the sentence he received for murdering his mother and brother.  Your mother’s view of the victims is really the red flag here.  I’d leave the option open to repair the breach in your relationship with you mom, but it’s going to have to come with her having a reckoning of just how, and why, she has supported Dan.

I attended a trivia event with some fellow “mums of young bubs” for a girls’ night out. I was having a great time until I saw some of the women cheating by Googling answers. This made me feel uncomfortable (I’m an honorable soul), but the awkwardness grew worse when at the end of the night we won the second-place prize (a bottle of wine—each!) by only two points. We cheated on more than two answers, so we definitely cheated other tables out of prizes.

Dear Trivial Trivia Concerns, if you only won by two points despite Googling it’s likely the competitors were doing so as well.  That really doesn’t matter though since your issue is with the cheating itself.  When you go next month tell the girls you don’t want your team to cheat.  You’re enjoying the night out in and of itself and will happily supply the wine if you don’t win because you were playing fair.  Heck, you’ll probably be supplying better wine than you’d get from a bar’s give-away for a trivia game.  As for what to do with your ill-gotten gains: drink the fucking wine.

One of my best friends since teenage years (we’re in our mid-30s now) has consistently made terrible dating choices: abusive men, drug addicts, just plain jerks, you name it. She is a great single mother to a wonderful 6-year-old, and got back together six-ish months ago with “Jake,” a guy she briefly dated a few years ago. She recently moved in with him, and while he seems nice enough, even she admits he is not the sharpest tool in the shed and doesn’t have a lot of personality or interests. In fact, this is why she broke up with him in the first place. When I expressed surprise that they were back together, she made a comment about how she was just ready to “settle” because she was tired of being single.

Dear Best Friend Troubles, this is an AB issue and you should C your way out of it.  Do you know why your friend thinks Jake is dull without a lot of personality and interests?  It’s because he’s not an abusive, drug addicted jerk.  After a decade or so of filling her life with shocking levels of drama she is with someone who does not bring the noise.  As a metaphor, just because a habanero pepper isn’t as hot as a ghost pepper, doesn’t mean the habanero isn’t also hot.  Jake most likely is plenty interesting as “Jake”, he just appears uninteresting because his interests don’t include a series of unfortunate events which inexorably lead to a visit from the police.  Honestly, that you’re proudly stating how your friend views you as a font of relationship advice, and your advice has led her to a string of soul-destroying horrors, you might want to rethink the little voice in your head telling you that you’re not sure if you should be encouraging her relationship with nice, personable Jake.  Let me be blunt, you need to see something shocking to the senses if you come away from your visit to your wrong-side-of-thirty single-mom-with-a-history-of-abusive-relationships friend saying anything to her but your best wishes for their happy future together.  

I am 34, with a Ph.D. and a successful, happy life. I am regularly mistaken for being much younger—often a college student. (I live in a city with many colleges, which probably doesn’t help.) Though I’ll be “thankful for this someday,” according to many well-meaning but semi-irritating strangers, I have struggled for years to think of an appropriate response to people’s surprise upon learning my actual age. For a bartender or checkout clerk, a smile and nod tends to be OK. (I’ve also tried, “Yeah, I get that a lot and I never quite know what to say,” but that never seems to help.) In a professional environment, things feel a bit weightier, as I don’t want people to assume my experience and skill set is below where I actually am.

Dear Not as Young as You Think, the appropriate response is “Yeah, I get that a lot,” which you already know.  And it is going to continue to be annoying for you until the inevitability of time consumes your youthful appearance.  Hopefully it is more gradual for you than it was for Dorian Gray.  And involves less murder.  What I do wonder about is your professional situation.  Since your phd isn’t assumed is it something which isn’t expected in your field?  It is entirely possible that “you are much earlier in your career” compared to peers only a couple years older than you, despite you being very educated and credentialed.  They spent the years you were in school working.

I’m a 23-year-old woman and have been dating my girlfriend for just over eight months. I’m over the moon about it, we’re happy together, and we communicate well. Here’s the thing: She’s a bit high-strung and tends to react to small issues in life with tears. We’ve spoken about it and she has reassured me that it’s not a big deal, and that when she cries it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything terrible is happening. I really struggle with this. I grew up in a household with a lot of abuse, both physical and verbal, directed at everyone. My self-appointed role as keeper of the peace meant that I spent my entire childhood on the lookout for subtle signs of distress in everyone so that I could try and mitigate it. Someone crying sets off all of my alarm bells for “something I have to fix,” and it is very hard for me not to overreact to her tears.

Dear Not a Big Deal When She Cries, you know, I’m going to go ahead and say that the high-strung person in a relationship isn’t the one with the hair-trigger tears but the one who is a self-appointed relationship peacekeeper from the abusive household who is struggling to adapt to someone else’s emotions.  It is entirely possible this is just an issue which the two of you are incompatible.  When you’re still in the euphoric happy banging stage of a relationship and you’re finding yourself emotionally drained and internally annoyed by her innocent behavior that is not a strong indicator for future happiness.  You should totally check into some options to help you deal with your issues from growing up, but it might not be much help for this current girlfriend.  Maybe you could try and find the girl from the “Like a Daughter” and see if she’s into some sapphic delights.  She’s got no one in her life and might be wasting her time pining for an ex who has moved on.  Give it a go!

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 6 March 2018

It’s another beautiful day and life is good.  For some professional development I’ve been reading brief by Joseph McCormack.  So I’m going to do this batch of letters by trying to boil it down to the information you need to know.  Because I view y’all as important people whose time is valuable.  On to the letters. 

I agreed to be my sister’s maid of honor before I knew I was pregnant, and my due date is smack dead center in the week of her destination wedding. I very obviously will not be able to go, but I still want to help out before the baby takes over my life. I also have insisted my parents go on to the wedding. My husband and I just want it to be us for the birth and have everyone come in later. My sister, however, has retreated into toddlerhood. She makes pointed “jokes” about how I am trying to steal her thunder and abandoning her for the baby. I try to ignore her, but she keeps pouting! I suggested several dates for her bachelorette party only for her to want one I can’t do (I am painting the nursery).

Dear Pregnant, NuPru’s script isn’t awful.  You might want to take a step back though and consider whether you’re reading a bit much into her reaction.  Your example of her worst behavior is her wanting her bachelorette party on a day you’re painting the nursery.  I’ve painted a lot of rooms; the light in the room will only change by 1/365th if you paint the room at noon the next day.

My grandfather, who I was very close with, passed away unexpectedly in December, and my whole family is having a lot of trouble with the loss. My grandparents shared an email address that was in his name, and my grandmother has continued using it, so every time I get an email from her it shows up in my inbox as though I’m getting an email from my dead grandfather, and it’s a shock every time. I don’t get emails from my grandmother particularly often (usually only chain forwards or planning for family events), so I’m not sure if it’s worth asking my grandmother to change an email address she’s been using for as long as she’s known how to use the internet. How do I deal with this?

Dear Grandparents’ Shared Email, go to your address book and change the contact name to your Grandmother’s name.  Problem solved.

A few years ago a friend of mine breached my trust significantly. As part of what he called a joke, “John” told people that we were having an affair. This caused a lot of stress in my life (I was in a long-term relationship), and his behavior approached what I retroactively felt was almost stalking as he sought out information on my activities and whereabouts to support his hoax. I eventually found it all out, cut him off, and went on about my life. Our friends either stopped seeing him, stopped seeing me (apparently I was “over the top” when I said he was stalking me), or saw us separately.

Dear Forgive and Forget… Not!, you’re not wrong to keep him at arm’s length; I’d say you’re wrong if you’re not keeping him away if this is how you feel.  How much of your trust does Sally need to violate before you keep her at arm’s length?  Because her building a romantic relationship with a guy you say stalked you, then is trying to get the two of you back together isn’t exactly the most positive of friendly moves.

My brother introduced us to “Cora,” the woman he is dating. She is a single mother with a little girl. Her daughter has the same common name as our Lab (think “Katie” or “Lizzie”). At first we laughed about it, but when we went on a picnic together and I called my dog, the little girl also looked up. Later, as we were leaving, Cora took me aside and told me I would have to rename our dog because having the same name as her daughter was “confusing” and “more than a little insulting.” I was so gobsmacked I didn’t even reply.

Dear Rename Dog, annnnnnnd BadPru managed to avoid answering your question.  Bless her heart.  You’re right, ignore Cora.  Your husband’s description of Cora’s behavior is just as melodramatic as Cora’s was.

My wife was a student teacher while I was in high school. We never had any classes in common and barely knew each other existed. We didn’t meet and get married until our parents introduced us at a church bingo. How do I stop the stupid student-teacher innuendo? My wife still teaches at that high school, and if our history in any way comes up, I get a nudge-nudge “oh you were hot for the teacher” wink-wink. My wife finds it embarrassing, and I find it appalling.

Dear Teacher, this is going to be an issue you’re going to need to confront every time someone figures out you were a student at the same school at the same time your wife was a teacher.  So you grow the fuck up and learn to deal with it.  And you start dealing with it by saying half of what Newdie said.  “We didn’t know one another when I was in high school. We met as adults.”  The shit after that is just going to make people roll their eyes.

I am a lesbian and was in a committed three-year relationship with “Rose.” We broke up after Rose got pregnant. She cheated on me with an ex, a man who was engaged to a mutual friend of ours. Rose was planning to move out (I own my own place), but then she lost her job and her car got repossessed. I didn’t want her to be homeless, so I let her stay another few months so she could get some money together. Her ex left the state after his engagement blew up and rarely calls Rose. I feel like I am walking on knives when I enter my front door. Rose and I will have a laugh and it will be like it was, but then I will look at her belly and her betrayal comes rushing back. My deadline is coming up, but Rose doesn’t seem concerned. She doesn’t like when I question her financials (Did her folks send her money?) or her plans (Where is she looking to move?). Last week, I came home unexpectedly to find some friends throwing Rose a baby shower.

Dear Ex-Lover, your friend is right, you are being taken for a ride.  If you’re feeling generous get with a lawyer, determine what, if any, steps you need to take to boot Rose out, and do them.  If you’re feeling ungenerous toss her stuff out on the driveway and change the locks.  Rose is a responsible adult and will find other arrangements.  Also, get better friends.

My cousin’s house burned down—a total loss. She and her husband are safe—they weren’t home—but their several dogs and cats were all killed in the fire. While I’m a pet owner myself and know full well how dear pets are, her situation is different. My cousin has been struggling with infertility for years, and those pets were very much her children. My cousin and I have always been close, but over the last year or so we have gotten even closer. I know she will want to lean on me in the aftermath of this and I am ready and willing to do everything I can to help. I’m limited by financial resources and a demanding Ph.D. program, as well as the fact that we live several hours apart, but we talk on the phone a lot.

Dear Support, TL;DR how do I help someone who is grieving?  Don’t play 20 questions with her.  When she calls, talk to her.  Shoot her a friendly text message sometime.  You’re not her only outlet for support, don’t try and assume that role.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 5 March 2018

Before I get into my usual effluent opening and the questions, I’m going to start off with a number:  1-800-273-8255.  It’s the National Suicide Prevention line.  It’s operated 24/7 with folks who are there to talk with you.

Oh man, so excited.  Spring Training is in full effect with games closely resembling actual baseball really happening!  We’ve had some brief, but increasing in frequency, respites from the cold.  You could almost think that spring will be here soon.  Gotta love it.  But just because things are good here doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.  Otherwise why would they be seeking advice from an internet stranger, and then being answered by someone they didn’t know would be answering them.

I am incredibly fortunate to come from a wealthy family—like 1-percent wealthy. (For what it’s worth, my first-generation parents and immigrant grandparents made all their money on their own.) I chose to work in a job that makes about 30 percent of what I otherwise could, because I feel a responsibility to give back and I really love what I do. My problem is some of my co-workers, who constantly disparage people with money and people who come from money. Even though they don’t know that I am one of those people, it’s hard for me to nod along and just let someone disparage me and my family—grouping all rich people together as evil, or mocking trust-fund recipients as lazy do-nothings, when I know it’s not true.

Dear Coworkers Don’t Know I’m a little confused because I’m not sure what you’re actually doing to “give back”.  You say you’re taking a job where you’re making 70% less than you “could”, but that you’re doing it to “give back”.  So are you working at some non-profit which would be “giving back”, or are you working a non-1%er “regular job”.  Honestly, the only way your question makes narrative sense is if you’re doing some sort of government or non-profit work.  So I’m going to assume that.  If you’re actually just working at Dunder Miffin and think slumming it in some office job is “giving back” go ahead and disregard. Yes, the wealthy are not some traditionally oppressed group where it’s a hate crime to make fun of them.  However, it’s still rude to do so.  Now, most of us go ahead say the insults anyway because it’s not like any of us are actually filthy rich (even if we are most everyone defines “filthy rich” as “more money than I have” anyway).  Normally, when you’re in an environment where you’re surrounded by people who are rudely insulting your family background, I’d recommend confronting the boors.  However, you have the slight advantage of not needing to remain in this environment; you’re doing it for non-monetary reasons.  Because here is what is going to happen when you confront your co-workers about this.  At best they’re going to shift from making fun of the rich in general with you to making for you you, personally, behind your back.  At worst it’s going to become abundantly clear that your coworkers hate you and will do everything they can to make your life miserable.  It’s not like “Being Wealthy” is a protected class so they don’t even need to worry about maintaining a facade that it isn’t their intention.  I don’t want to tell you to “suck it up” because you shouldn’t have to.  You’re not being paid (less than you think you could) to work in a place that hates your very existence and blames you for the world’s ills.  But, as a wise man said, the best revenge is living well.  Use your connections and relative freedom of action to find similar work but in a non-toxic environment.  Now, with all this being said, man, you touched a nerve in BadPru.  You’d think that a person from a fairly well-off and privileged background herself would be a bit more empathetic.  By now I figured I’d stopped being surprised by things BadPru says.  But then she goes all pig-ignorant with the idea of wealth being a zero-sum game.

My partner and I are both in our 30s, have great jobs, and don’t want children. We’ve been dating for a little more than a year and will move in together in May. We’ve spent plenty of time together to make this decision, and I’m excited but … moving in with someone has, in the past, been the prelude to a downhill slide in my relationships. I’ve thought a lot about why and already made positive changes in this relationship, thanks to therapy. But I’m still nervous that my (amazing) partner and I won’t weather this transition

Dear Anxiously Anticipating honestly most romantic relationships for most people end in a downward spiral.  At least until they don’t.  That’s kind of how romantic relationships work.  You keep cycling through them until you find the one(s) that stops the cycling.  Sharing a living space is when the shit gets real.  Suddenly problems which you could live with because you could retreat to your own place are going to be a problem.  Co-habitating also shatters illusions.  You’re going to be confronted with the reality that your partner likes extra pulpy OJ.  They’re going to find your complete collection of Limp Bizkit’s music.  Going into this new phase of your relationship focused on what can, and probably will, go wrong is a recipe for that cycle to continue.  There are going to be problems.  Part of building a mature relationship is learning that you need to work through those problems, and do so with an end-goal of maintaining the relationship. You might also need to learn to accept that some problems just aren’t resolvable; you’re going to need to agree to disagree.  So, with all this being said, NuPru’s advice is a recipe for this cycle to continue for you.  It’s like telling someone not to think of a red elephant or a motorcycle rider getting hyper focused on the road in front of them and not where they want to be.  Your fear isn’t unfounded, as I said, most relationships end, but making this transition thinking how it’s going to go the same as the others is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Instead, do what you can to reframe your thinking.  Think of the problems you’re going to run into as opportunities to build a relationship with your partner.  You have your way of doing things, they have theirs, you want to build “ours”.  When you do run into trouble have as your goal that the relationship will continue; view it as something worth saving in itself.  If you can keep that in your mind it can help you make the lowest point of your relationship when you move in together because it just keeps getting better and better.

Three nights ago, I got extremely intoxicated while out with a friend and texted my husband to tell him I was crashing at her house. We spend the night playing video games with her boyfriend, their roommate, and his friend “Jack.” I eventually fell asleep and I woke up to Jack asking me if I wanted him to stop. I can only piece together small bits of what happened from then on but we certainly had sex. I feel disgusting. I have spent the past few days pretending it didn’t happen but it is slowly seeping back and I don’t know what to do. I want to tell my husband but I am terrified he will never forgive me and our lives will crumble. (We have a toddler together.)

Dear How to Tell Him, I know it’s been a couple days since this was even asked to Newdie, so I hope you’ve taken advantage of a couple of the resources she mentioned.  Whatever, if any, hurt the events of that night will do to the ones you love the most it will pale compared to the pain which would be caused by you killing yourself.  I know how depression can make it feel like everything will go in the worst way possible; that is your mind fucking with you.  Your husband isn’t going to never forgive you.  There is nothing to forgive.  This isn’t to say he won’t have his own complicated sense of emotions to work through, but nothing in your letter makes me think he’s not a loving and supportive man who cares deeply for you and your family.  Give him the respect of being honest with him of what’s happened, how you feel, your fears, and trust that he’ll act with your best interests at heart.

I just ended my relationship with my partner of 10 years over the subject of having children. I want them; he doesn’t. He had told me he did, but now he tells me he only said that because he desperately wanted to make me happy. The breakup was devastating. We held each other and sobbed for hours, and both of us are unsure of how to move on with our lives. I’m fairly sure he will come back to me in a few weeks and tell me he’s reconsidering. If that happens, I shouldn’t believe him, right?

Dear Listening When Someone Tell You “No”, no, you should not believe him.  He will be lying to you.  He told you he would be lying to you.  You are telling you he will be lying to you.  Ortdence is telling you he will be lying to you.  I am telling you he will be lying to you.  Don’t listen to him. <Narrator: She listened to him>

For the past two years, I have been involved with “Noah” long-distance. We were both reluctant to define our relationship—he never told me he loved me or called me his girlfriend, but he was otherwise caring and attentive. We never talked about monogamy, but neither of us slept with anyone else. Eventually I wanted something more serious. A month ago I met someone local, Ryan, who I really like, and finally ended things with Noah. Ryan’s fun, we enjoy sleeping together, and he’s brightened up my life. But now Noah has started messaging me again, telling me he was wrong and wants to get back together.

Dear a Bird in the Hand and One in the Bush, I am childishly laughing at the implications of “one in the bush”.  While I’m a big proponent of honesty in relationships, and I saw your statement about being honest, you know, I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself about anything in these two “relationships”.  Noah was “caring and attentive” from a distance, but never said he loved you or identified you as his girlfriend.  You were his side-piece.  He’s being all attentive now because you cut it off before he was ready to end it.  The only person you’re in a relationship with now is Ryan.  Now, if you want to put a guy you like, who you enjoy banging, who brightens your life on hold so you can pursue acknowledgment from a guy who is infrequently banging you when he comes to town have at.

My sister lost her husband last year and our mother had a heart attack and nearly died. We all live far away. My sister has offered to move in with our mother but asked that she get the house and land when our mother passes. She will have to quit her job to move and may not be able to find work in our mother’s tiny rural town. I don’t see a problem with this.  Our much younger sister does. She threw a fit about our sister trying to “steal” her inheritance.

Dear Moving, while it might be nice to take BadPru’s advice and toss your youngest sister’s opinion in the trash, having a good ol’fashioned family fight over the estate is not going to help your sister.  I’m also not feeling BadPru’s assumption that your other sister is doing all of this out of the goodness of her heart and the interest in caring for your ailing mother.  I’d actually be a little concerned that my recently-widowed sibling was willing to completely change their lifestyle on such short notice.  I would suggest that instead of your sister being compensated by receiving the house and land she, instead, be paid.  If your mother doesn’t have the liquid wealth to actually do so, come up with some sort of formula where she receives an increased share of the estate for however long her service is.  This has the advantage of it not being a lump-sum payment of your mother’s greatest asset regardless of how long she needs to put her own life on hold.  It also gives your sister a bit of flexibility in the event your mother recovers her independence or needs care beyond that which your sister can provide and needs to move into a formal assisted living situation.  It might also help your youngest sister comprehend just how quickly elderly and end-of-life care can chew through an estate so she should be thankful someone is willing to do it for a less-than market rate.  What you can’t do is disregard your youngest sister’s desire because contested wills are real things.  Even if your youngest sister loses it’s expensive, time consuming, and will hold your other sister in limbo while it’s decided.  So it’s worth getting her on board for the plan.

My son, an only child, was adopted at 14 months old. I traveled alone to get him from the other side of the globe. He’s now 22. Not since fifth grade, when he made cards and gifts at school, has he given me or his dad a gift or card. Is this normal, or selfish? He spends plenty on himself. He’s struggled with ADHD since preschool and stopped taking meds for it at age 18. How do I approach this with him? I don’t need gifts; I want occasional appreciation. His dad and I divorced two years after high school graduation. Son now lives with his dad 300 miles away. Dad seldom speaks with me (his choice, not mine) so we can’t present a unified front for our son.

Dear Grown Child Etiquette, I guess this week is “BadPru reads all sorts of shit into letters” week.  “Seldom” isn’t “never” so if this is important to you, and important enough that you think it needs a united front, then you should make the effort to get your ex on board.  Or, at least figure out if it’s something he even views as a problem.  Honestly, if your 5th grader stopped getting you gifts it really means your husband stopped getting gifts back when your son was 11.  Huh, no wonder you divorced.  Anyway, nevermind.  It’s not unusual for a pre-teen to try and exercise a bit of independence by not conforming to expected behavior.  I’d say it’s a bit unusual for that attitude to persist into adulthood absent some other issue.  Is the “I’d just like to hear ‘thanks’ or ‘Happy Birthday mom’ sometimes,” a conversation you’ve actually had with your son?  Because your letter is sorely lacking in the active steps you’ve taken to convey your wants to your kid.

[dudence-blog]

Dead Dudence for 26 February 2018

Taking a break from curves in space to answer questions from strangers.  Gotta get back to the integrating soon so hopefully these are some quick ones!

My husband recently learned that his mom was the victim of an online scammer. She gave him around $50,000, mostly by taking cash advances on credit cards that she now has to pay back. My husband had to really pry to get her to open up about it and has spent countless hours trying to put her finances back together. He’s worried she’s going to fall victim again and has an idea that he should email her, pretending to be the guy who scammed her, just to see what she’ll do.

Dear For Her Own Good, your husband is coming from a good place on this but he’s going about it in a terrible way.  Best case scenario is she doesn’t respond to the attempt, tells her son it happened, and your husband feels better.  However it’s likely it’s a one off, and unless your husband plans on making it a recurring thing it’s not actually going to help protect your mother-in-law from falling for the same trick by a nefarious actor.  Worst case scenario is it blows up in your husband’s face and is a shocking violation of trust and destruction to his credibility with his mom.  Hopefully the family’s plan to protect mom involves closely monitoring her accounts, maybe even having access to her email and phone records.  But all of that needs to be done with your mother-in-law’s knowledge and consent.

My fiancé bailed on me when I got pregnant because he didn’t “want to be tied down.” Our son is now 3 and his father treats us like a toy. When he has wanted to play daddy, he has shown up and showered us with gifts, but then he gets tired and leaves after a few months. I took him back the first two times because I was desperate. My son and I were living with his mother as I had no child care and couldn’t afford to save money otherwise. My son’s grandmother is a wonderful woman who adores her grandson. I wouldn’t be where I am now without her, but she has giant blind spot for my ex and always believes his excuses.

Dear New Daddy, you’re not going to be able to have this conversation without hurting your Baby Daddy��s Mom’s feelings.  It’s going to involve telling an uncomfortable truth, and they’re uncomfortable for a reason.  You have no faith that her son will assume the role she envisions for him, and you feel that James is filling that role.  Being very clear and blunt on that is going to be unpleasant, and possibly strain your relationship with her.  I do wonder though how much of BDM’s resistance to your son calling James “Daddy” is an oblique reference to you moving very quickly from “too broke for my own place” and “so desperate I took my no-good-ex back AGAIN” to “inviting man and his daughters to live with me and we’re getting married” in the span of… looks like… a year.  This might be more that she’s worried you’re making a huge assumption about how reliable James is going to be and she doesn’t want your son having another man in his life who has flitted in-and-out.  So maybe a whole bunch of uncomfortable truths get shared!  That’s a win.

I have been engaged to my fiancé for almost two years now. When he proposed, I knew it was a fake ring, because his intention was always to use a diamond that his mother gave him, and design me a ring with one of his jeweler friends. In the beginning he spent lots of time focusing on how it would be designed. We visited his parents in a foreign country, where he planned to get the diamond. It has been a year since that visit, and I still have a fake ring. It’s not even real silver. He has had to reorder it several times, because it becomes tarnished and leaves my hand green. I have spray-painted it with a clear coat to try to ward off the tarnish. It actually looks quite real, and no one questions it. But I am growing tired of wearing a ring that turns my hand green. Every time I broach the subject he says he is working on it. I am not fancy and I do not want anything special—a ring that costs less than $3,000 from Kay or Costco would be fine. He has the money; he bought me a Rolex for Christmas. I don’t understand why he would not put that money into a real ring.

Dear Fake Engagement Ring, that’s not a Rolex.  You are being superficial, but that’s okay.  Just because it’s superficial to me doesn’t mean it’s not also important to you.  I’d worry much, much less about the superficiality than the fact you seem to be getting played.  Because from your letter it seems you are.  The engagement seems to be hung up on him developing the “perfect” ring, which is not happening, and I’m curious if there’s been a date set, or even discussed, or has the ring situation become all-consuming and has sucked the momentum out of the actual important part of an engagement.  As part of your discussion about chucking your crap ring and either getting a replacement (seriously, a real silver ring is not expensive, and could certainly have been bought with the money spent on replacing your crap ones) or going bare-fingered I’d pointedly question whether he’s still committed to getting married.  Also, seriously, get the watch appraised.  By a jeweler of your selection, not one of his friends.

I enjoy writing so much that it is a key part of who I am. Though I would like to be published, I know that the chances of that are infinitesimally small. Still, I love it and it is also crucial in alleviating some of my mental issues. It is impossible to overstate how important this is to me.  Dudence reading this:  Shoot dude, go ahead and shoot me an email; I’ll read your crap.  My problem is that none of my friends or family, despite being mostly readers and no matter how much I beg, will read anything I write, even enough to tell me they don’t like it. All I get is lame excuse after lame excuse. Some of them even come to me for writing advice for their work and yet still refuse to read mine. It’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to even look at my social media friends list without lathering myself into a frothing, seething rage.  Oh.  I see.

Dear Writing Rage, you are, literally, living in a period where the ability to publish your writings is at the greatest opportunity in the history of mankind (peoplekind for my Canadian readers).  You’d actually have to take steps intentionally to not publish your work for someone to read.  Also, I can’t imagine why your friends and family wouldn’t want to read the work of someone writing therapeutically.  That there mere deferral of commenting on your work, because they have read it at some point, is inspiring you to rage makes me think your plea for even negative feedback are not being viewed as the hope for constructive criticism you think it is.  In the time it took you to write to NuPru you could have found several online writers groups whose members would happily read and constructively comment on your work.  You don’t need to press-gang your friends and family into this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and are compatible, happy, and deeply in love. Our relationship is not the problem here; rather, my snooping is. Long story short, he asked me to check something in his email and I saw an email from my friend, which I proceeded to open and read. She sent him information about an engagement ring and then my snooping (I know) led me to find a small box—which I did not open.

Dear Marriage Built on Lies, please remember to act surprised when he gets on a knee, opens the box, and proposes to your friend.  I’m sorry, that was mean.  Sometimes I just want to watch the world burn.  I believe open and honest communication is an important pillar of a successful relationship.  I also believe that such openness and honesty is built on trust, and, I gotta be honest here, while it might seem minor and have a positive outcome, this is still a violation of that trust.  Your boyfriend trusted that you weren’t going to go digging through his email, a trust you violated.  Then you compounded it by behaving like a child trying to find Santa’s hiding place.  I mean, are you looking for some kind of kudos for preventing yourself from opening the box after tearing apart the house looking for it?  If so, yeah, good for you having some tiny sliver of discretion and self-restraint.  You should treat yourself to a huge meal and a Diet Coke to celebrate your self-control.  Get the dessert too, you deserve it and you got that Diet Coke anyway so it’s all good.  Now that I got my righteous indignation on, let’s talk advice.  You should tell him.  I’d wait until an appropriate time after he’s proposed (hopefully to you) but the right thing to do would be to tell him you went digging through his email and then went on a treasure hunt.

I am a compassionate person who seems to have good insights into things. Here’s my problem: I don’t like keeping secrets and I am not good at it. It’s not that I want to “gossip”—although sometimes that may be true! I’m only human!—it’s more that I forget who knows what and people tend to talk to me about lots of things. This seems to be ingrained into my personhood. I can’t seem to stop their disclosures, and I am interested and enjoy trying to help. How can I stop people from sharing things that are supposed to be secrets?

Dear Good Friend and Advice Giver, honestly, I’ll bet you don’t need to worry about what you’re worrying about because I bet your friends are well-aware that you’re a hopeless gossip who will eagerly blab any discrete info given.  Here’s my advice: assume anything someone tells you is something they want you to keep private unless they specifically tell you they want to share it.  If you’re not sure then fucking ask them if it’s something they don’t want broadcast.  That way you don’t need to remember who knows what because you know not to discuss something someone else told you since they didn’t tell you it was for public knowledge.

I’m currently a graduate student scheduled to graduate in May. My core group of girlfriends and I all graduated from undergrad a few years ago. While I went on to grad school, they all got “real” jobs that pay very well. Every year they plan a trip to somewhere fun and very much out of my budget. I didn’t go on the monthlong postgraduation trip to Asia because I had to work to save up for grad school. I didn’t fly to Las Vegas last year because I couldn’t take the time off from school. This year they are planning a trip to Brazil. I am happy that they have jobs that afford them these opportunities, but I’m constantly feeling left out, especially because they all live in the same region of the country and see each other often while I’m still in school alone.

Dear Still in School, man that sucks for you.  Make more friends who are not off living their lives post-schooling.  Have you considered not taking an extravagant trip?  Or are you so broke that a Southwest Fun Fair and a bit of couch-surfing with your friends is “extravagant”.  Because if that’s the case then just forget I wrote anything.  People grow apart as they grow up.  Lives, priorities, and relationships change.  But, much like Writing Rage up there you’re living in a period of time where the ability to maintain a relationship with someone is the easiest it’s ever been.  I mean, my god, you can sell some worn panties on Craigslist and buy a plane ticket to most anywhere in the country.  That you can’t currently, or in the near future, afford to join them on the month-long trips doesn’t mean you can’t go see them on a function which fits your budget.

My first husband passed away several years ago after a battle with cancer. Through it all, I had the wonderful support of a longtime friend. It was three years after my husband’s death before I even considered dating. However, a few years ago, I met a wonderful man. After a year of dating, we married, and I am very happy. Unfortunately, this same friend has been very cool toward me since. Everyone has accepted my new husband, including my first husband’s parents, who are happy I found someone.

Dear Missing a Friend, There are any number of issues which could be at play.  Your friend might not like your new husband; doesn’t mean he wasn’t happy for you.  He might be keeping away out of some respect for letting you and your husband form your own life.  Maybe he had his own romantic feelings for you, but after 35 years of not acting on them it sounds a bit too much like a John Holmes character.  It also could just be a period in the relationship where you two are more distant.  I’m sure it’s happened before over the course of 3+ decades.  You just might be noticing it more this time because of the change in your relationship being coincidental.  Heck, it could also be that his support for you over the years after your husband’s death ratcheted up the relationship from his perspective and now, with you having found someone else, it’s returning to the level it was before you were widowed.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 21 February 2018

The cold is gone, at least where I am.  If you’re in are area getting hammered by more snow or ice, well, sucks for you.  Pitchers and Catchers have reported, the first games of Spring Training will be happening soon.  Life is good.  At least for me.  For the people desperate for advice from someone who them don’t know, maybe it’s not as good.  Let’s find out together!

My 3-year-old daughter’s best friend at day care is a boy. They have been together since they were little babies and are inseparable. His family and some of the nursery staff have encouraged the idea that they are boyfriend and girlfriend—when we went to his birthday party, even his extended family said, “Oh you’re Sally’s mom, his little girlfriend!” I know this is fairly common in the way people talk about children, but it’s something I think is creepy and weird. I’ve let it slide because my daughter refers to George as her “best friend,” not her boyfriend, so I don’t worry it’s rubbing off. But today she came home with a valentine from “him”—a proper card, not just the kind every kid in class gets, and a chocolate rose. Apparently it was a big thing when he gave it to her in the morning and everyone thought it was so cute.

Dear Valentine for my Toddler, I hate to break this to you but there is no way you’re not going to come out of this without being “That Parent”.  It just is what it is.  It shouldn’t be though and changing it is going to require enough someones accept that they need to be “That Parent”.  You are not the hero the world deserves, but you’re the hero we need.  When addressing this to the daycare staff be up-front.  It’s not how you want them referring to your child and your child’s relationships.  With the family, take this opportunity to thank them for the nice gift, but tell them that it was a bit much, and while you appreciate that your kids get along so well, you think it’s inappropriate to treat their friendship as some sort of romantic game.  They will possibly not receive this well, but it is something you need to tell them.  This is your kid; you get to set the rules for their relationships right now.

My filmmaker friends poured their souls into an independent movie. It was recently released and it’s terrible. They would like their friends to give it a big push on social media. They follow me on certain social media platforms, so they can see if I followed through. Is there a diplomatic way to get out of this?

Dear Must I Promote, so no one has ever asked you if the jeans made their butt look fat?  Nevermind.  There’s a couple ways you can go about this.  Do as NuPru suggested, drop the IMDB link on Facebook, comment it’s from some friends of yours, compliment some aspect of it which is good (The camera work on the drying paint is really unique!) and consider your friendly duty done.  If it really does have nothing to redeem it and you don’t want to sully your values by promoting it, even backhandedly, if they notice your lack of comment can you claim some personal policy of not mixing endorsements and friends?  Finally, something to consider is that there is no accounting for taste.  You might dislike the movie.  Heck, it might be objectively bad.  And yet The Kardashians are wealthier than everyone I know combined and they produce entertainment I’d consider a crime to force inmates to watch.  MST3K is a thing because of bad movies.  Maybe there is someone out there just dying to watch your friends’ movie and your link will be the one that connects them to it.  Wouldn’t that be cool?

My husband and I agreed not to give each other gifts for Valentine’s Day, so I bought him nothing. He bought a few small items and left them on the counter for me to find when I got home after 8 p.m. I tried to joke it off by saying, “I thought we agreed to not buy gifts.” His retort was snotty: “So I’m guilty of getting you something nice. I’m sorry.” After putting the kids in bed, an argument ensued. I told him I appreciated the thought behind the gift and thanked him for it, but shared that it makes me feel guilty for not reciprocating. He continued to apologize for buying something.

Dear Gift Giving, this is not about to give or not to give.  Fights generally do not break out in a relationship because one party buys another party an unexpected thoughtful gift.  You have a couple of communication problems and Giftgate is merely the manifestation.  Your husband, for whatever reason, didn’t think you were completely sincere in your desire to not receive a gift.  Maybe he thought that for nefarious reasons like he doesn’t think you know your own wants.  Or maybe he thought it was something he could do as another venue for expressing his affections for you.  You don’t know because you haven’t asked.  Your husband, instead of explaining his motivation for this breech went martyr.  You’re both adults.  Use your words.  However, don’t take BadPru’s advice on how to approach this.  Her approach is blaming him for violating the agreement.  It is what is going to make him defensive; it’s entirely possible what he was upset about was your ungracious joke about a token of affection.  Rehashing that is going to be as unproductive on a rerun as it was in the first showing.  Just ask him why he got you something.  Now, all that being said, my default might be for more communication, it’s also possible it’s a case of the juice just not being worth the squeeze.  If this is a one-off incident and with a week to have cooler heads prevail this is just not worth the effort.  Sometimes a cigar is a cigar and, while BadPru and I think it’s something else, it might just be a cigar.  Maybe the greater good of marital bliss means you need to live with him not seeing the difference in your nuanced and ungracious position.  That’s okay, really.

I have a friend who is a former friend with benefits. The physical part ended over five years ago, and he made it clear at the time he wasn’t interested in more. He’s had a hard life since then, wound up with drug issues, and now is seriously ill with a rare heart infection that’s also caused a few strokes, an aneurysm, and kidney damage. The meds to combat his heart infection may make his kidneys fail entirely, and he may need a risky surgery. He’s been hospitalized for weeks, and the chance he’ll die is significant.

Dear Boundaries, sweet Jeebus, just say it’s a friend you used to bang.  “Friend who is former friend with benefits” is lame and the sort of thing which, in a just world, would have went out of style last decade.   Oh, wait, it did and yet here you are trying to revive it.  Nevermind, I’m being ungracious.  Up front I’m going to observe that someone who has had multiple strokes, an aneurysm, going through organ failure and on the slurry of medications designed to keep people with those injuries and diseases alive might, just might, not be the most self-aware person on Earth, nor be in possession of the same critical-thinking, or even memory, they had before.  So while you’re seeing it as him continually pushing your perfectly reasonable boundaries his brain is toasted and either doesn’t remember you telling him no, or he doesn’t care because that bit of our mind which tells us “Yeah, let’s stop doing that” is no longer working for him.  You don’t have to compromise your boundaries for anyone just to make them feel better.  But it might be worth asking yourself whether you’d prefer leaving your friend to die isolated and scared but with your boundaries pristine or being there but suggest you watch Star Wars: Rebels every time he suggests you two get back together.  But let’s be honest, while Newdie might think it’s best for the both of you that you ignore your dying friend, it’s what’s best for you.  It sucks for him.

My Aunt “Terry” is in hospice care and is not expected to survive the week. My mother recently told me that I will be a pallbearer at the funeral. I was not particularly close to aunt Terry. Attending the funeral will mean flying cross-country, and I just visited my aunt to say goodbye and to support my mom.

Dear Funeral Etiquette, you’re not a terrible person for wanting to skip the funeral.  It’s also perfectly reasonable to prefer not to fly cross-country to attend it, particularly in light of you recently making the trip to spend some time with your aunt before she died.  The funeral isn’t for the dead (well, unless you’re of a religion which holds that the deceased can only enter the afterlife if the deceased’s loved ones mourn in person enough; I’m sure one exists somewhere), but for the living.  It’s usually a nice thing to be there to comfort your mom when she’s distressed.  I’d be a little put out that you were voluntold for pallbearer detail, but it is what it is.  I’d recommend going to the funeral unless, after looking at your other commitments through the glasses of “I would go to the funeral but *THIS* is too important to miss,” something else is more important than supporting your mom.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 14 February 2018

Two days, two columns.  Call me Butter because I am on a roll.  Short and to the point, now to the questions people don’t know I’m answering.

My baby (our only child) is 11 weeks old, and I have just returned to work after maternity leave. Ever since he was a month old, my husband and mother-in-law have been looking for opportunities to have my mother-in-law babysit to give me a “break.” She has kept the baby twice—once was even overnight. I missed him terribly both times and decided that I’m just not ready yet to hand him over to a babysitter for no good reason. I don’t feel like the stereotypical frazzled new mom, and I enjoy taking care of him and having him with me. I told my husband this after my mother-in-law’s most recent offer to babysit, and his feelings were hurt because he thinks I don’t appreciate the “help.”

Dear Thanks But I Don’t Need a Babysitter, you’re not the stereotypical frazzled mom who is at the end of her rope caring for the newborn.  You’re the stereotypical mom who is focusing all her attention on the baby to the exclusion of the other people in your life.  Of course you missed your baby terribly; it’s something new parents sometimes do.  You’re going to miss the baby terribly when they’re 2 and your husband boots you out of the house so you can go on a girls-night trip with your friends.  You’re going to miss the baby terribly when it’s 5 and you and your husband take a well-deserved baby-free vacation.  You’re going to miss the baby terribly when their their Google/Tesla car drives them away to college at 18.  Your husband’s feelings weren’t hurt because you didn’t want to let his mother babysit.  Your husband’s feelings were hurt because you didn’t want to spend time with him without the baby.  Maybe your husband is an overly clingy self-absorbed ass and you’ve been making plenty of time for him and you as a couple over the past 11 weeks of post-birth, maternity leave, and now returning to work.  But it might be worth discussing with him whether this is about letting Grandma spend time with the baby at the expense of you spending time with it, or if it’s about you two spending time as a couple.

My boyfriend and I met via a podcast around three months ago. It was a total fluke, and I am happy we met. We get along so well, and I really like him. I’m a 25-year-old teacher, and he’s a 27-year-old software programmer. This is both of our first serious relationship. I’m white and was raised in the Midwest but lived abroad for a couple of years. He is from southern India and came here to live and work when he was 21. He has a house, a nice 401(k), and a car. I’m finishing up living with my parents while throwing money at student loans. I say all this because the other day he asked whether I see myself having kids. I answered that I hadn’t really given it an extensive amount of thought but was kind of on the fence. He really wants to get married and have kids “by the time he’s 31, at the latest.”

Dear New(ish) Boyfriend, “Indian Boyfriend Who is a Programmer and Dealing With Family Pressure To Have Children,” is something straight out of central casting.  And, honestly, “Indian With Over-Bearing Family Pressuring Him for Children Dates White Woman Uncertain About Her Future, Hilarity Ensues” is the premise of like 5 things on Netflix or Amazon right now.  Well, I think one might be about a Pakistani.  I’m not going to be as dismissive of your potentional future together as NuPru.  Well put-together people who are interested in a future with you and with whom you are compatible don’t come around every day.  If you can’t give him a clear answer within that time frame, but you want some more time, then say so.  Clearly it’s not something he’s going to let be put off forever, but “I need more than a month” isn’t an unreasonable ask.  You’re not going to be able to bide your time because he has a plan for his life and is probably receiving some external pressure to meet that objective.  But you don’t need to mourn a good relationship just because you hadn’t given a lot of thought to a foreseeable question.

I broke things off with my boyfriend of 18 months because I felt like he was always pushing me into things I was uncomfortable with, whether that be connected to money, sex, or something else. I didn’t say no firmly enough because I always felt like I had to be “cool” or “chill” or measure up to his gorgeous, laissez-faire ex. I honestly felt amazing after the breakup, and I assumed he’d be happy too, since he always talked about things I couldn’t give him—but he was angry instead. We’ve maintained an acquaintanceship at his request, but barely. Recently I had a very weird experience: He texted me asking, in detail, for help picking out sex toys for his new gf. I assumed he was drunk and ignored it, but he followed up the next day.

Dear My Ex Wants, whycome you’re still in contact with this man?  It clearly wasn’t a great relationship for you, you were happy to be out of it, and now he’s either trying to, weirdly, involve you in his sex life with his current girlfriend, or he’s trying to get some sort of gratification out of making you uncomfortable.  Heck, the healing power of “and”.  My “Good Advice” is to ignore him.  Don’t even give him the satisfaction of a response.  Block his number and move on with your life.  My “Great Advice” is get him to buy the creepiest sex toy you can find.  Like a rubberized dragon dildo or something from a banned-in-Japan hentai.

My younger brother recently confessed to my parents that he has been snorting heroin for a little over two years. They rushed to get him into an inpatient rehab, because he’s about to turn 26 and will lose their health insurance. By all accounts he’s doing well. They turned his phone over to me to delete his Google contact list, and I noticed he had Facebook Messenger as well. One of his friends is the person we now know got him hooked to begin with. Not that he’s to blame—that’s all on my brother—but I am concerned about what would happen if my brother were able to contact this person again.

Dear Can I Keep My Brother, deleting your brother’s Facebook Messenger and Google accounts is not deleting the people in them.  Zuckerberg and Alphabet are working on that functionality as we speak though.  So if your brother wants to contact them, he’s going to.  All that deleting the information is going to do is make him take an extra step.  Don’t message the dude.  It’s not going to help.  The best thing you can do to support your brother in his recovery is to support your brother in his recovery (Hello Tautology!).  You’re not going to be able to screen him from all the venues for relapse in the world.

I have been dating a wonderful man for the last year and a half. He is kind and considerate and loves me very much, and I love him. I am concerned, however, about his sleeping habits. He struggles with depression and anxiety (he does not work and receives disability as a result), and is somewhat of a night owl anyway. He often goes to bed in the wee hours of the morning and sleeps until after lunch. I usually sleep from midnight to 8 a.m. or so. I often text or call him during the day and don’t hear from him until late. I get frustrated because I feel like I never see him (we don’t live together).

Dear Ships Passing, so of the 16 hours a day you’re awake his sleep schedule overlaps 4 of them?  What do you mean by “late”?  “Late” as-in 11 pm or “late” as-in 3pm?  The former would mean he’s ignoring you throughout much of the day.  The latter means he doesn’t contact you until he’s just awake but you’ve been up for several hours.  Because I’m not actually seeing this sleep schedule as the reason why you two don’t communicate or see one another.  Have you discussed your frustration with the lack of communication with him?  You don’t mention that.  If you haven’t then I recommend doing so.  I also recommend putting off any plans to move-in until you figure out the whole communication issue.

Sometime in the 1950s my grandfather bought my grandmother an unusual ruby ruby ring, which she loved. She wore it for about 30 years, then gave it to my mother, who also wore it for about 30 years before passing it down to me. I was thrilled, and I took it to an appraiser to have it insured. The appraiser had to break the news to me that the ruby was fake. I was slightly taken aback (and embarrassed), but knowing my grandfather, I figured he was in heaven laughing, so I put the ring on and figured I’d just carry that secret to my grave.

Dear Heirloom, I knew that BadPru didn’t know much about children, healthy relationships, marriage, and the work environment.  I didn’t think her inexperience extended to 8th grade Earth Science.  Don’t tell anyone the ruby is deteriorating because if they have a passing remembrance of the Mohs Scale of Hardness then they might remember corundum is 9 on a 10 point scale.  You replace the stone without telling anyone, your niece inherits the ruby ring and she gets is appraised and learns it’s a fake ruby, do you think her reaction is going to be “Oh, my great grandfather was such a prankster!” or “My God!  That bitch of an aunt took grandma’s ruby!  Probably to pay for drugs!”  So, no, if you view the ring as a family heirloom which will be passed down to at least one more generation, then you do need to come clean.  Besides, the value in the ring isn’t in the stone; it’s in its history as something purchased by your grandfather for your grandmother and then having it continue through at least two more generations.  It’s a chance for you to share a story with your niece about your grandfather which no one else in the family knew.  That too has value.

My parents are getting divorced. They announced this several months ago and have said several vague and nasty things about each other in the time since. My siblings and I are all very upset, and we’d like to know why this is happening. The one thing my parents seem to agree on is that it’s none of our business, but their vague sniping makes it clear that one parent is somehow to blame.

Dear Mystery Divorce, no, you do not have a right to know more.  The intimate details of your parents marriage were something private when they were happily banging one another.  And the intimate details are private now that one of them is banging someone else.  What you’re asking for when complaining about a lack of agency is you want to know which parent to blame.  Quite honestly your parents are doing the right thing by keeping the details private, and they’d be well-served by ceasing to behave like a couple high schoolers talking trash about their ex.  Take Newdie’s advice about you setting limits about their snide remarks about one another.  If they want to keep it private then the need to keep all of it private.

My boyfriend has been divorced for a decade. He has two grown children and one teenager. His ex is remarried, and they all go on vacation together at least twice a year. I find this completely bizarre, but apparently he and his ex have been doing this for years. He wants me to come with him. We have been dating for about six months, and I have met his kids a couple of times. My boyfriend made the comment about continuing this family tradition with the future grandkids. He gets defensive when I bring up how odd this is. He says it makes it easier on the kids and that he genuinely likes his ex and her husband so why make it difficult for no reason.

Dear Vacation, you should deal with this by dumping your loser of a boyfriend for someone who has a lazy pathetic ex who he deeply resents.  Preferably they're still even married to the person.  That seems to be a thing.  Maybe someone with some estranged parents and good-for-nothing kids.  That is a much healthier dynamic for a long-term happy relationship than this weirdo who maintained a respectful, even friendly, relationship with the woman who was co-parenting his kids and who wants to try and bring you into this den of insanity.  Run.  Run far away this strange man.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 13 February 2018

Wow, it’s been like a month.  I’d apologize but, honestly, I do think for fun and the time I spend reading, thinking, and writing had to come out of time spent with family, work, or school.  Also, I realized I needed there to be something in the NuPru source which made me go “ugh, that is just wrong.”  Maybe some Stockholm Syndrome has kicked in and I see her point of view on things I used to disagree with, and life is too short for me to get too wrapped around the axle about something written by a lesser advice columnist. So, with the non-apologetic apology it’s off to the letters.

I live in a condo that has a gym, which I frequent. Unfortunately, another gym rat in the building smells very bad. She might not care, or she might not even notice; I’m not sure. But the gym is small, and the stench is so unpleasant that it makes me cut my workout short. (We’re usually the only two there at the same time.) What’s the appropriate way to say something? Or should I just avoid confrontation and file a gentle complaint with the property manager?

Dear How do I Tell?  Do you want a condo war?  Because this is how you get a condo war.  The gym is one of the few parts of modern American life where the natural human funk can be reasonably expected to be tolerated.  I’m also impressed because you’ve managed to make something I thought was pretty sad: religiously working out at the apartment “gym” and make it even sadder.  Religiously working out at the apartment gym, and sharing it with someone who now really resents you.  I get it, some people can really get a good stink going on, or they might wear those fancy moisture-wicking fabrics which need a bit of extra cleaning to get the odor-causing bacteria out, or there might be some cultural differences in personal hygiene, or you could be frequenting the gym to spend 15 minutes on the ellipitcal’s lowest setting while she’s in there for an hour trying to find extra weight to put on the machines because they’re just not enough.  This is a conversation which has a 45-45 shot of either her being shamed into doing something to make her merely-normalish-stink or she goes to the mattresses on you.  The remaining 10% is that she either has a medical issue and she knows she stinks like that, which is why she uses the private gym where she lives and not a real gym, or she’s from France and you’re a racist for suggesting she stinks.

Well, the hard part is over. My boyfriend of two years and I are breaking up. It’s excruciating, because I love living with him. He is clean, polite, funny, a kick-ass cook, and handles conflict well. But that just makes it harder that he’s not very affectionate. He doesn’t share much of himself emotionally, or put his arm around me anymore, or initiate sex. I could almost have dealt with it, but when I told him I needed him to take sex more seriously or it would end the relationship, he didn’t make any changes.

Dear Breakup Lite, I’m really glad that you and your soon-to-be-ex have had such a mature break-up.  I know they’re hard, especially when they’re someone you care about, but when you’re incompatible on something as fundamental as… wait… I’m still reading your letter… wait… what… oh… oh no…. oh nonononononono honey… don’t tell me you… ohhhhhhhhhh.  Sweetie… listen… I really hate to be the one to break this to you, but your ex-boyfriend is going to make some other woman (or man, it’s 2018 afterall) very happy.  But your idea of “I’m going to let him go free to bang other people so he learns how to bang me better” is going to blow up in your face.  

I am a white woman married to a black man. We live in a mainly white town, and I grew up knowing racism was alive and well in our town. I have a few friends left from high school but have abandoned many due to their racist views. One of my friends, “Melissa,” has never said anything overtly racist in my presence, but every single man she has ever dated has been a racist who proudly shared his views on social media. She is now pregnant and is trying to reach out for support, as she is not with the father and doesn’t have many close friends or family. Meanwhile, she recently started dating another guy who posted racist comments on social media last week.

Dear Covert Racism, how hard-up for friends are you that you’ve remained friends with someone you think, covertly, is biased against your husband because of his race and are now trying to figure out how to exploit her desperation for support during a pregnancy where the father of the child has abandoned her to confront her about your your beliefs?  I mean, of all the ways “my racist friend dates racist men and she’s asking me for help,” could go I think I’m most surprised by “how do I explain to her that I think she’s racist?”  Are you going to blow off her request for support unless she recants?  Are you going to support her through her pregnancy regardless of her dating choices?  What sort of saint, or demon, decides “This chick is pregnant with another man’s baby, I’m going to date her,”?  But, you know what, one of my guiding principles as Dudence is that I answer the question asked.  And, to that end, you stop talking to Melissa about the racism of her boyfriends, but about how that makes her look to you.  You talk about how you condemn her boyfriends as racist, but you don’t talk about how you’ve told her that makes it look like she is one too by letting it slide.  Or, in her case, letting is slide in and out and in and out (OH!).  I’m sure the isolated pregnant lady will take your criticism to heart and will handle it with grace, aplomb, and will be thankful for your help.

I was a professional dancer for about six years before I was in a car wreck that ended my career. Since then I have married and now work at a nonprofit. I was contacted by a friend who introduced me to several gifted but underprivileged dance students. I saw myself in their talent and struggles. I have taken a few on as a personal instructor and coach. I do this on my own time and pay for it from my own pocket. When my sister-in-law heard I was teaching, she got it into her head that I should include her 7- and 8-year-old daughters for free because I am family. I told her no over the phone, and then she drove over with the girls in dance gear. I told her no again and refused to let her in the door. She threw a fit and since then has been blasting me over all social media and got the rest of my in-laws on her side.

Dear Private Lessons, your problem is ceding the narrative your sister-in-law.  Well, the root problem is your sister-in-law has an outrageous sense of entitlement, but let’s deal in tactics because it’s easier.  So now you are the selfish monster who isn’t willing to help your own kin while giving yourself freely to strangers.  You have two allies in this fight and it is time you called in whatever favor you have with them.  First, you say you’re close to your mother-in-law, and even if her discussion with you was supporting her daughter, it is a reasonable tone and there is room for discussion with her on it.  Explain to your mother-in-law your reasons for who and why you’re teaching.  If you need to embellish it a bit by over-stating the time commitment you’re making then do so.  Or, and I like this option, figure out how much you’d charge for the lessons you’re providing, increase it by 50% because that is the premium you charge to mix business and family, and then double that because your sister-in-law is a bitch and that’s your “bitch” surcharge, and inform her you’ll happily give your nieces lessons.  Do like Neil Gaiman and charge enough to make it worth your while.  Sorry, I got off on a tangent here.  So, back to your mother-in-law.  What you want to do is at least get her to see reason, understand your position, agree it’s a reasonable stance and that she’ll at least get the rest of the family to back off.  And if she doesn’t come around to your point of view you’re no worse off.  Your other ally, and the one you need to be willing to go nuclear, is your husband.  Is he so far off the grid he’s unable to get internet at all?  Because if he’s not you need to get him into whatever Facebook group your in-laws are using and tell them to shut the fuck up because this situation is not your fault; he supports you completely, and his sister is off the fucking path causing this drama.  

I have been involved with a man for almost a decade. He is wonderful to me, extremely loving and attentive, and even helps me with projects around the house. We see each other several times a week, vacation together twice a year, and have a great time when we are together. We plan a future together. The problem? He is married. His wife left him for another man, which is when we got involved. She came back after she was dumped by that guy and begged to be taken back. She promised she would be kinder to him and even get a job to help out around the house, but she didn’t. She mainly sits around the house and watches TV. My guy doesn’t kick her out because he has a heart of gold and she literally has no friends and nowhere else to go, and if they divorced she would get half of his net worth. Plus, he obviously has a lot of freedom.

Dear I Should Feel Bad, I don’t think you should feel bad about what you’re doing.  You’re not the one violating wedding vows after all.  I think you should feel a bit bad that you’re getting played like a fiddle.  You want to bang some married dude, you go on with your bad self.  You want to be some guy’s Nobody, you do you.  You want to be Linda Davis to Reba McEntire, it’s a free country.  But you need to do it aware of what you are, and I don’t think you are.  Being independent and self-sufficient doesn’t make you immune to played.  He has not spent 10 years married to this pathetic, friendless, helpless woman out of the kindness of his heart, nor out of fear of losing half his wealth.  Don’t feel bad that you’re someone’s mistress; it’s a position (snicker) with a glorious history.  Feel bad that you don’t recognize that you’re a side piece.

My sister-in-law cannot control her daughter “Ally.” Her father died a few years ago, and since then Ally has made it her mission to make everyone around her as miserable as possible. She started sleeping around at 13, had an abortion at 14, and got pregnant again at 15. She has no clue who the father is. She had the baby, only to abandon him and run away for a month. She has been suspended and failed so many classes that her education level is of a seventh-grader at 16.

Dear Niece my heart breaks at this story.  That there is the teasing possibility of a happy ending, but the knowledge that there are so very, very many ways it can go completely sideways, and it being a story with no villains.  So, let’s go ahead and get to answering your question.  First, you have to accept this might be a situation where you can’t get it through to your husband.  It’s his sister’s daughter; his own blood.  He could very well believe that he can be a moderating influence in Ally’s life, or, at the very least, alleviate some of the burden on his sister by taking some of the stresses she’s feeling off her plate.  So, after you’ve established for yourself whatever boundaries you need, and the consequences for violating them, I really think you only have one course of action.  You need to pull your spousal privilege card and say “no.”  You can make a rational appeal to your husband; Ally is just going to be able to get into different kinds of trouble, you’re not able to give her the support she needs, etc etc, but it’s running into a buzzsaw of a brother wanting to help his sister.  I don’t like that course of action because it’s got a high risk of, undeservedly, making you the bad guy.  But if your husband is otherwise set to do this then I don’t see any other option.  Now, if you’re open to being persuaded that Ally isn’t beyond help then may I suggest your husband goes to his sister and Ally for a bit and see what is going to be involved in taking her in, but in her own environment.  If your husband’s influence is going to be a positive in her life, it will be so whether she’s in her mother’s home or yours.  And, maybe, your husband getting some first-hand experience dealing with her in a guardian way will disabuse him of what he’s capable of offering, or will assuage you that it is a course of action which can work.  Regardless though I think it would be good for all parties involved for you to not write off a grieving child as hopelessly broken at 16.

I got pregnant as a teenager and gave the child up. The child is now grown and knows who I am. We don’t have much of a relationship; his family is his family. But that’s not exactly my problem. When the situation was fresh, I was quite open about it. However, as time has passed, and I’ve moved away from the friends that were close to me when the trauma was occurring, I have less desire to talk about my teen pregnancy and subsequent failure at parenting. As I’ve grown into myself, I’ve decided against starting a family. I haven’t told anyone about the child (now an adult) in almost a decade.  I’m in my late 30s now and am trying to date after taking many years to focus on myself. I’ve moved far away from “home,” started a new career, and am getting to a decent place. The problem is my naked body.

Dear Childless with Stretch Marks, have you tried banging doggy style?  Sorry, that was trite but it really was the first thing that came to mind when you said you don’t like exposing your abdomen during sex.  I’m really shocked that BadPru got through two paragraphs of response to you without once suggesting you see a therapist.  Because, honestly, it sounds like your situation is one where the services of such a professional would be valuable.  A very important part of a generally healthy life is being cut-off to you because of how you feel about something which transpired two decades ago.  This is an issue which calls for the help of someone with skills beyond “Failed Humor Website Founder” or “Dude Whose Muse is Hate-reading a Failed Humor Website Founder”.  You might might find that spending some of your cosmetic surgery money on someone who can help you deal with the emotional issues surrounding your feelings about yourself will go a long way to help you deal with the cosmetic issue the surgery was to address.  

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 11 January 2018

The cold has broken, the sun is out, we’re like a month from pitchers and catchers reporting.  I’ve got some German rock on the speakers and a Hofbrauhaus hefe in the glass.  Leben ist gut.  Much to my surprise it seems that Disqus has decided to start working, or at least it works when I look at it.  So if you get a wild hair up your ass and want to comment, feel free to do it on the page itself.  Or you can join all the coolest people in the world by liking Teh Dudence Facebook page!

I’m in my mid-20s and have been trying to find work in my chosen field. I’m hoping to go back for (more) grad school in the fall, but I’m still looking for work in the meantime. To get my foot in the door I started volunteering a couple days a month at a local museum. I managed to make a good impression, and I’ve been pulled from low-impact occasional volunteering and asked to help out with special projects in different departments. On the one hand, this is great experience. On the other hand, I’m now booked up for most of the week rather than a few days a month, and it costs me $5 a day just to commute to my volunteer gig.

Dear Why Buy the Cow, it’s not just costing you $5, the time you’re spending doing this is a whole lot of time you could be spending on doing things which aren’t making you resentful of the free work you’re doing.  But enough about my Holiday Inn Express level knowledge of the Time Value of Money and Opportunity Cost.  If you haven’t done so yet, you might want to assess just how likely it is for you to get any money for your time.  It’s not like cultural institutions like museums are overflowing with dollars.  They’re usually pretty reliant on some locals big-wigs looking for tax breaks and good publicity.  They’re not giving important projects to volunteers because they love the free labor (although they do love the free labor) but because they’re reliant on a certain amount of work being done by locals who are doing it for the passion, opportunity, whatever.  Are any of the other volunteers of your scope being reimbursed for travel or other incidental expenses?  If they are then you need to figure out how you get on that program.  And if they’re not you might need to start assessing whether this is something you can continue to do.  As long as you don’t kick the door of the museum director’s door down go “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You’re Cool!” and then leave you’re probably not at great risk of being “blacklisted”.  If the museum is as big a mover in your field as you’re saying then you are not the first grad student to use them for a reference and you won’t be the last. 

I have been friends with a law school classmate since the beginning of the fall. I have Asperger’s and I am deaf, so it can be a bit rough for me to make friends. I am also a private person, which I know some people in my class find “cold and snobbish.” Apart from casual everyday niceties, I stopped trying to make friends, but this particular classmate appeared to be an exception to the rule, and I was glad to have someone to talk to. I liked him and was able to be very straightforward with him. During winter break, he said something odd—he suggested that that we should “stay in bed, reading, in a nonsexual way, together.”

Dear Is This for Real, your best friend, your mother, and NuPru are right.  The dude is a creep who was trying to use you.  Normally I wouldn’t be this harsh in my assessment of a friend making a pass you rejected.  Sometimes friends want to be more than friends, and both parties don’t agree.  It happens, it’s awkward, and sometimes the friendship doesn’t survive it.  But if the friendship is going to survive it the way to go about it isn’t to, then, keep asking you out, blowing up your phone and messages trying to account for who you are out with, and then blaming you when you tell them they’re being an ass.  I am going to make a assumption that he saw in you, a socially isolated person who he could take advantage of to his benefit.  Finding out someone you trusted and opened up to isn’t being sincere hurts, it hurts a lot.  You are completely in the right to feel that way.  As to what you should do, honestly, don’t try and maintain a friendship with this guy.  Even if he apologizes and promises to amend his behavior he’s already shown that he’s willing to try and manipulate you.  It is far more likely that any apology and promises to change are just him doing what he thinks he needs to do to get into your pants.  Don’t be like Satan and fall for Saddam’s act.

The other night I had some of my neighbors over for a glass of wine. One guest let me know she’d be bringing her toddler. She barely supervised the child, who wandered everywhere; took and left food around the house (we recently had a mouse problem and are trying to keep things extra-clean); dipped fingers into lit candles then wiped wet wax on my wooden table; played with our remotes, cables, and phones; and pulled out and opened my husband’s Lego sets. I noticed a small but sentimental item was broken but didn’t say anything.

Dear Hosting a Toddler, I’m going to go ahead and point out that Newdie missed the part where you didn’t tell her not to bring the toddler.  If she told you she’s going to bring the kid, and you didn’t tell her not to, kid wasn’t invited, house isn’t kid proof, whatever, that is on you.  It’s your house, you set the boundaries and if you didn’t want the kid in the house, then you needed to state so when your guest said she was bringing it over.  That being said, none of it excuses the child’s mother abdicating her responsibilities as a guest and parent.  Letting the kid run free, get into things it clearly shouldn’t (hot wax for example) and leaving a mess in its wake, while not making an effort to stop it or clean-up are absolutely rude on her part.  She said she was bringing her child, not that she was bringing it and expecting you to provide child care.  You do this better by, next time, communicating your boundaries.  And you develop those boundaries by after action reviewing what just went down.  The kid went free because the parent wasn’t providing adult supervision.  Next time “Hey, would you mind watching your kid a bit closer?  He’s messing with the remotes and getting PBJ all over my table, please get him under control.”  If you want to be accomodating of guests with small children you might want to do a quick go-through of where you’ll be and get the obviously delicate, breakable things out of reach.  I’d hope the parent would bring toys to keep the kid entertained, but if your husband can set aside some random Legos from his collection it will probably help keep the kid entertained and let you and your guests socialize.  Ultimately it’s your house and your rules.  I get the feeling from your letter this is a case of you just not having previously needed to have such rules.  Well, now is your chance to develop them.

Two years ago I moved to a new city and was quickly welcomed into a pre-existing group of friends. Within a few months, several of them were involved in a violent incident that gained national attention. They are understandably traumatized, and many of them experience symptoms of PTSD. They’ve all sought therapy, but still talk about the event in detail once or twice a month. The problem is that I was involved in a similar violent incident in my old city that I haven’t told them about. It’s really upsetting to hear them talk about their experience as it brings up memories of my own.

Dear Don’t Mention It, when you say “still talk about the event in great detail” do you mean “they mention it during a conversation and five minutes later we move on” or do you mean “as soon as it gets on to that subject then they will talk about it for the rest of the night.”?  Because if it is the latter then you’re not going to be able to excuse yourself for a moment without them catching on.  Asking them to not talk about it with you isn’t insensitive.  Actually, if you ask them not to and they take offense to it or continue to do so is a bit insensitive on their part.  I think it would be better to tell them why their conversation makes them uncomfortable.  You’re not trying to one-up them (at least I hope you’re not), you’re giving them some background on why you’re uncomfortable when they talk about the violent incident they went through.

My husband and I have had an open marriage for five years now. I occasionally date others and currently have a boyfriend, while my husband has yet to take advantage of the opportunity. I don’t mind people knowing that we are nonmonogamous, but I don’t feel the need to make an announcement. My husband is more private than I am and would prefer to keep it to ourselves. When it comes to his family, he is adamant that we not tell them.

Dear Nonmonogamous Anxiety, you shouldn’t fear whether people are going to judge you, because they are.  It’s what people do accept it and move on.  That being said, you might need to rethink your boundaries with your non-husband partners.  Whatever other boundaries your open relationship has, one of the ones your husband asked for is that his family isn’t to find out and he would like the nature of your relationship to be discrete.  Maybe it’s reasonable, maybe it’s not, but it’s one that was agree to when y’all started this adventure.  If you respect your husband then you probably need to accept that you’re going to have to forgo some PDA.  But enough of my moralizing.  You’re asking what to do about the inevitable and let’s see what we can come up with.  Here’s what is likely to happen.  An acquaintance sees you out and about with Not Husband doing something which they think you should be doing with Husband.  Either they’re going to mention something to you directly, they’re going to mention it to your husband, or they’re going to post a picture of you sucking-face with Not Husband to Twitter.  If it’s the first two then be prepared to explain it’s something you do, you would appreciate it if they could keep it private, and then be ready to have ALL THE GOSSIP be about you.  If it’s the last one then go straight to GOSSIP.  

I am an adjunct assistant professor at a four-year public university. Due to funding cuts, we have not had any tenure-track jobs available in many years. We have one opening this semester and everyone expects me to apply for it. I think I have a decent shot at it, but I am struggling with whether to even apply. It would be a tremendous amount of work just to apply and compete against applicants from all over the country, and I am already overwhelmed with work. I also have major family responsibilities, young children—including a special needs child with multiple medical issues—and a very long commute. Achieving work-life balance already feels like a losing game. I am loath to add more to my plate and fearful of what would fall through the cracks as I prepare for the dog and pony show. If I got the job, I don’t know that I would have the bandwidth over the next five years to do the research, writing, publishing, travel, and presenting necessary to achieve tenure.

Dear Tenure Trouble, TL;DR: I don’t like my job and I want to do it a lot more.  I don’t like being harsh, but if you’re not sure you want to apply you don’t have a decent shot at the job.  Your lack of interest in doing the work necessary and the resentment at needing to jump through hoops to enter the upper echelon of your profession are going to come through in spades.  There is a nation full of people who are looking for that job and are not encumbered by a long commute, multiple kids, including one with special needs, and are going to be willing to jump through hoops and grateful for the opportunity.  The only thing which makes me think you should apply for it is that, if they are making your current job into a tenure-track professorship then they’re probably not going to need the adjunct assistant anymore.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 3 January 2018

My resolution for 2018 is to not change a thing because I’m awesome and totally cool with most of my problems.  With some leftover champagne to motivate me it’s time for me to get on to the questions!  Remember, if there’s anything you need to improve yourself it is to like Teh Dudence Facebook!

My cousin recently set me up on a date with a really great guy that she knew from work. At first, I was hesitant to go on a date with him as he is 43 and I am 27, however I decided to give him a chance and I was really glad I did. He’s smart, funny, and easy to hang out with. I am also very attracted to him physically.  The only bad thing, so far, is that during a text conversation, he alluded to believing that 9/11 was an inside job.

Dear Conspiracy Theories, seriously?  You met a real Truther?  In the wild?  Seriously?  Sorry, not helpful.  The other day I’d advised to not let political disagreements torpedo relationships.  While you, me, most everyone might think your date is a whack job it really, shouldn’t, by itself be a killer.  The problem will be that it’s not likely someone is only into 9-11 Truth.  There’s a whole smorgasbord of whack-job ideas you can open your mind to once you believe your government is willing to kill thousands and there are at least as many people who are willing to go along with the lie.  Anti-vax, Moon landings, Kennedy, Monsanto.  The dude is 43, he’s probably not a newcomer to this idea, so he’s an old school Loose Change-sharing, “FIRE CAN’T MELT STEEL!” guy.  I’m not going to tell you that you should cut him off over this, but it’s the sort of issue which is going to make for some awkward moments.  Some very awkward moments.  Like, imagine you told your normie friends you were dating a Scientologist.

Each year, my wife’s niece hosts a Christmas dinner for the entire, relatively large, family. Most years this is in the neighborhood of 40 people. Her mother-in-law is from another country, and they do a dinner theme around the mother-in-law’s native cuisine. The dinner and food are always very enjoyable, and we are sure to express our gratitude openly and often. This year, we received a text stating that we were required to bring $5 per person to cover the costs of the dinner.  On one hand, I enjoy the meal, and I enjoy the family time, so I have no issue paying. The $40 it’s going to cost my family is not going to break the bank. On the other hand, this, to me, is rather rude. If you do not wish to host, then don’t. If you don’t wish to host so many, then don’t invite everyone.

Dear Holiday Hosting Etiquette, I’m going to side with your wife’s niece on this one.  She’s preparing an ethnic cuisine meal for 40 people.  This is well beyond the usual family-gathering etiquette of assigning a couple someones to bring the vegetable and starch sides.  Like, right now, imagine you needed to prepare a meal for 40 people.  Do you even have enough bowls to serve 40 people cereal?  You know it would take 2 and a half gallons of milk to serve 40 people?  Now, let’s take this to an entire holiday meal.  And your wife wants to throw a hissy fit over $40?  If you don’t want to go then don’t go, but don’t go and think that “Well, we tell her how grateful we are for her work” offsets the fact she’s probably out-of-pocket for well over $5/person.  

Two weeks ago I attended a holiday party with my boyfriend and his family. We’ve been together for three years, and since we moved to his hometown, I’ve gotten to know his parents and sisters better. I forgot about new medication I was taking, had a few drinks, and became drunker than I have ever been in my life. (Counting this event, I’ve only been drunk three times, so it’s extremely out of character for me.)  I now know that I did something so horrible at the party that my boyfriend broke up with me via text and told me he has no interest in speaking to me ever again. I’m devastated. My now ex-boyfriend is the sweetest man I know, so I had to have done something cruel for him to do this. But because he won’t talk to me, I have almost no idea of what I did or said. I am really afraid that I was mean to his sister Amanda, whom I’ve never liked.

Dear Out of Character Behavior, a three year relationship ended with a ghosting because of something you did while back-out drunk.  It’s safe to say you went beyond “being mean to his sister”.  Unless “being mean” is some understated code for “I went on an Anti-semitic tirade and then tried to murder her with a cordless drill”.  You done fucked up and fucked up good.  And it might be the sort of fuck up which you’re just never going to get the closure you want.  

My youngest son has fallen madly in love with a very sweet and ambitious young woman his own age (late 20s). She has a Ph.D. in child psychology and is in her postdoc year. He’s a high-school history teacher with no debt. She’s now looking for permanent employment. But, she’s almost $500k in debt and told him it’s college loans. I’ve done some research and spoken with experts in the field, and we’ve concluded that it is probably loans as well as credit card debt. I want to have an open and frank discussion with my son about how this could impact him should he decide to marry her. But I don’t want to be an interfering mother.

Dear Son’s GF’s College Debt, too late.  You passed “interfering” when you solicited professional guidance on how your son’s girlfriend might have paid for her education.  Listen, any couple that is going to get serious needs to have a serious discussion about the finances.  I think you’d be remiss in your role as a parent to not discuss with your son the importance of such a discussion.  It’s not out-of-bounds for you to inquire about where your son thinks this relationship is going.  So open with that.  You’re making a whole lot of assumptions about where his relationship is, where it’s going, or even what he and she have already discussed.  He told you she told him it was $500k in student loans.  Maybe she told him a bit more detail but he relayed it to you as the less judgmental-inducing “Student Loans” instead of “Student Loans, Credit Card, and a Ford Mustang GT financed at 17%”.

“Eric” and I were together for five years and had a horrible breakup a year ago. While we were together I grew very close to his daughter “Amy,” and she to me. Amy’s mom has not been in the picture for many years. Amy took our breakup badly, and pretty much took my side in everything. We’ve kept in touch and often done things together since Eric and I split. We basically don’t discuss him.  I last spoke to Amy early in September. Since then she hasn’t called or texted. I’ve tried to contact her several times, telling her I miss her and asking about getting together. No response. I’m pretty sure she’s ghosting me, and I suspect Eric worked on her, telling her what a horrible person I am.

Dear Missing “My” Daughter, you need to let it go.  She’s an adult (I’m presuming because if you were sneaking a child out behind her parent’s back to maintain a relationship with them after you broke up that is a whole other level of toxic than whatever you describe of Eric) who has chosen her father over his ex-girlfriend.  Maybe it was an ultimatium, maybe you weren’t as close as you thought, maybe she has moved on and found another woman with whom she can have the relationship you two had.  Yes it sucks, just because someone you cared for has moved on from you.  But, remember, love is an open door so keep it unlocked and maybe she’ll have a change of mind.

My boyfriend eats like an animal! Mouth open, uses his hands instead of the proper utensils, blows his nose at the dinner table, talks with his mouth full—the works! It grosses me out. If we’re at home, I generally turn up the music and try to block it out, but when we’re out it’s so embarrassing! We recently traveled to a foreign country and I was so shocked and embarrassed by his eating habits, I actually left the table and hid out in the bathroom.

Dear Animal Boyfriend, so, how did the “flee to the bathroom and hide” plan work?  There’s no way that “Listen, I think your table manner are atrotious and it embarasses me to the point of retreat when I’m out in public with you” is not going to be a little bit of an awkward situation.  If your response is as obvious as you describe it, there’s also little chance your boyfriend hasn’t noticed.  What the heck did he say when the waiter asked if you wanted a refill on your drink when you were gone for 15 minutes?  You could continue to resent him his behavior and maybe up the passive aggressiveness by choosing “My Fair Lady” next time you choose a movie on Netflix.  Or you could try talking to him about what you’re observed and how his actions at the table make you feel.  If it’s something he’s done for 30+ years it’s probably not going to be something he’s going to take to quickly, but at least you can do him the favor of no longer grinding your teeth in embarrassment at being seen with him in public.

I am getting married next spring, and my fiancé and I are very excited to move to the next phase of our relationship. Wedding planning has been surprisingly easy, save for my mother. My mother has an opinion on everything in that she wants everything to involve her. She wants to pick out music for her to be seated to. She wants my fiancé to walk her down the aisle to her seat. She wants to wear a white dress to the ceremony!

Dear My Mother Is Trying to…, have you considered trying to save money on the catering by going with a couple vegetarian options over the more expensive meat protein dishes?  Before you go returning the money which makes the event you’re planning possible let’s take your mother at her word when she said “no strings”.  Tell her you don’t want her to wear white and she gets the same processional music everyone else in the wedding party does.  Well, unless she wants to walk down the aisle to “Gettin Jiggy Wit It”.  That I would allow.  If she pulls the “hey, I gave you $XX,XXX!” then you go ahead, thank her for the donation and refund it.  All that being said let’s go ahead, back up, and take a holistic look at this.  Will it actually ruin your wedding if, on the day of the event your mother gets a wild hair up her ass and decides to show up in a white dress too?  Even after she said she wouldn’t?  The only one who can make that ruin your day is you.  Having the groom walk her down the aisle might be a bit much, but it’s not unheard of.  Honestly, does anyone in the venue know any bridal processional other than The Bridal Chorus or Canon in D?  Once those notes kick off no one is going to remember that your mother entered to a different classical instrumental.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 2 January 2018

It’s the first day of 2018  in Dudenceville.  It is a freezing cold night and my resolution for the new year is to always remember open the under-sink cabinets and leave some water running overnight.  Go ahead and ask me how I know!  The catering question from this week is one of those which really reinforces for me why I subject myself to liver damage and NuPru.  It is the sort of answer given by someone who has zero clue how people in the real world, with all their flaws and preferences and experiences actually work and interact.  I do not claim to have all the answers for anyone (myself included), but Holy Shit if you told me Ortdence had 17 cats already I wouldn’t bat an eye.

I am a stay-at-home mom with a 2-year-old toddler. My husband has a 13-year-old son with his ex. We have a restraining order against her after she threatened me while I was pregnant. Right now, my stepson lives with us full time and only has supervised visits with his mother. He used to be a sweet, shy kid, but now I am afraid of him. My stepson has anger issues and is 6 inches taller than me. He has cursed at me, broken plates, and left holes in walls. I don’t trust him near my daughter. My husband is trying, but he can’t be home until 7 most nights. I leave the house with my daughter until he gets home. I don’t want to be alone in the house with my stepson. We are paying out of pocket for weekly therapy, and it is not working. I am tired. I am afraid. I am out of options.

Dear Frightened Stepmom, first and foremost is, of course, to look after the safety of your baby and yourself. Your stepson is dealing with a painful cocktail of hormones, broken family, some level of jealousy, and probably having it all stirred by a disturbed noncustodial parent.  Whatever therapy your family is pursuing for your stepson is not working or is insufficient for the extent of the problem.  If there is a trusted friend or family member you can go stay with for some time I’d highly recommend looking into that option; maybe some time away will give all parties some feeling of relief.  If there isn’t, and the risk is when you’re alone with him, is there an after-school program or activity you and your husband can get him into which would keep him away from home until your husband gets home from work?  The good news, such as it is, is that this probably isn’t going to be a new normal.  13 can be a rough age by itself, combine it with the problems your stepson has been through, it is, hopefully, something he will mature out of.  Finding a therapist who can help him deal with his anger and emotions in a more constructive manner will be a real boon.  

I have more than once had sex, or gone further than I was really comfortable going with men, for the sake of preserving their feelings, or because I felt I had already taken things too far to back out. Almost all of my female friends have a similar story. How do I convince myself that I don’t need to have sex with someone to protect their feelings?

Dear Opting Out, you begin to convince yourself that you don’t need to do something you don’t want to protect their feelings by understanding that you’re not responsible for the emotional or sexual well-being of anyone but yourself.  Sure, there are situations in life and relationships where maintenance sex is a perfectly wonderful thing, but I don’t get the feeling that’s what we’re talking about here.  As for how to do it, the time to think of “how” is now.  Like right now, think of how you’d like to end an evening without committing to banging, go into your bathroom, and practice what you’re going to say in the mirror.  Use declarative statements, not something that sounds like an objection which can be overcome thru negotiation.  Don’t be afraid to not be polite; politeness is a courtesy which people earn by returning it.  And, as much as I hate to say this because it’s the sort of thing you shouldn’t have to worry about, opt to end an encounter before you’re in a situation from which you can’t easily depart.  The time to cut off an encounter with a man you’re not comfortable with is when you’re leaving the movie theater after a really awkward date, not when you’re on the couch, his erect member in hand, and you’re planning to give a half-assed handy just to end the evening.  Know that you’re not the first person to reject him, and you’re not going to be the last.  His emotional well-being is not reliant upon him getting into your vagoo that night, or any night.

I’m recently getting back into dating after 11 years of marriage. The dating scene is very different than it used to be. I’ve been using an app to meet men because it seems like that’s what the kids are doing these days and I don’t have a lot of options to meet people in my everyday life. It just so happens that I’m really good at finding information about people, and as I get to know these men, I dig about to find out more. (My favorite is finding the DUI of a guy even though he’d never told me his name. I also discovered a guy was catfishing me.) I do it for a few reasons. First and foremost, it turns out that most men are full of it, at least those on dating apps. I want to weed out the people who aren’t worth my time. It’s also a challenge, and a delightful puzzle. Because I see it as a puzzle, I usually end up down a rabbit hole of information about these guys. I find their jobs, their homes, sometimes the homes they grew up in, Instagram accounts, Facebook accounts, Twitter feeds, and on and on.

Dear Harmless Stalking is Fun, how on Earth could a guy let a girl like you get away?  You sound like a big barrel of fun.  Sorry, that was rude.  You know that 11 years ago Google was a thing right?  Because what you’ve discovered is “Google”, not some heretofore unknown thing.  When the strongest defense you can offer for your activity is “I never cross any legal lines,” it’s probably time to reconsider your pastime.  May I recommend a good binge watch (Give “Turn” a try!)?  If what you want is to try and meet people with the goal of enjoyable company, romance, and possibly banging then I highly recommend you refine your dating app selections to ones focused more on the “dating and long term romance” side than the “I want someone to grind my genitals against” side.  There’s a difference between giving a dude you meet online a quick check to make sure he’s on the up-and-up and delving deep enough into details to pull out criminal history without actually having any identifying information.  Using the search bar in Facebook: Good.  Going to Zillow to verify the district court his residence is in so you can then go to the court record search: Not Good.  You’re basically condemning yourself to a lifetime of dating men named “Joseph Smith”.

I just married my husband this summer after five years together. I had noticed that his relationship with his mother was not healthy. She consistently makes poor decisions, then expects both of her sons to swoop in and fix things. Two days after our wedding, she had a full-on breakdown. She threatened suicide if we left the city (we live across the country from her). We took her to the hospital, and she was put on suicide watch for three days. Since then, she’s gone to therapy but doesn’t seem to be changing her behavior or really giving the process a shot. She badgers my husband and his brother every day and is unable to make any significant decision without spending hours on the phone with one of them first.

Dear Distressed Daughter-in-Law, so, how do you feel about your mother living with you, because right now that’s what she’s angling for and your husband and his brother are currently involved in a dangerous tango over which will cave first and allow her to move it.  And, if your husband does cave, just how much damage do you want your mother-in-law to do to your marriage?  Do you want to merely resent your husband until you finally give her a LD50 of strychnine?  Do you want to divorce him?  Your husband’s mother is not going to wind up homeless and or dead because he refuses to cave to her desires.  1) His brother might cave and save you the hassle and B) being cut-off from their enabling will, hopefully, focus her efforts on actually looking out for her own well-being.  You can reconsider this if you see her standing at an intersection holding a cardboard sign.  The help you can give your husband is in driving him to the therapist to help him learn to establish boundaries and stick by them.

I’ve recently become engaged. I’ve been a vegetarian for ethical reasons for more than 20 years, and my fiancé, while not a vegetarian himself, often eats vegetarian food with me. I’d like our wedding dinner to be meat-free, but my fiancé is very against this. He thinks most people will expect meat (his family is full of “meat-and-potatoes” types) and won’t enjoy the meal otherwise. I don’t want to serve meat at my wedding. I feel very strongly about this, but my fiancé thinks I’m forcing my beliefs on everyone and “taking away their choice.”

Dear Animal Lover, here’s how your married life is going to play out if you go forward with your plan.  Your meal selection is going to be the topic of much joking amongst your guests.  Then, for the rest of your life together, your in-laws are going to do nothing to accommodate your meal preferences when you visit.  Why should they?  They’re paying for the dinner at their house afterall.  So, in exchange for you getting what you want served to the people gracious enough to join you and celebrate you on your Princess Day, you are going to get to spend the next few years being an object of derision among your in-laws (and, let’s face, some of the folks on your side of the family would probably like something other than the Mediterranean Vegetable Medley).  I say “next few years” because if you cannot accommodate your fiance’s perfectly reasonable request, which would improve the experience of his family at your mutual event, then your marriage is doomed.  Ask yourself if “Chicken Marsala” is really the hill you wish your marriage to die on.

My partner and I have been together for about two years now. In many ways, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. He’s respectful, kind, artistic, and has a great sense of humor. About six months ago, we moved in together, and I’ve realized he’s lazy and irresponsible when it comes to household management. For the first few months, I did 90 percent of the housework. He had recently experienced an unexpected family loss, so I chalked it up to grief. However, things didn’t improve. I ended up making a chore chart to divvy up responsibilities, but I still find myself reminding him three or four times to do a task. And this isn’t minor stuff either. He sleeps in until 4 p.m. on the weekends (not due to staying up late), and often is late to work from oversleeping or misses work entirely. I worry that his forgiving employer will one day fire him on the spot, so I’m constantly urging him to get up and go to work. He is irresponsible with finances, purchasing parts and equipment for projects he never starts.

Dear Don’t Want to be a Nag, I firmly believe that one of the keys to a happy relationship is accepting that your partner is not going to be the person you thought they’d be before you moved in together.  There is a significant difference between learning “wait, he brushes his teeth before he flosses!?!?!” and “he isn’t capable of waking before 4pm and keeps his space as a sty”.  Maybe he is depressed, heck he’s probably got some sort of issue given the lack of concern for the consequences, his self-description, his actions.  That doesn’t mean this is something you’ve signed on for.  Also, while he might be depressed, ADHD, blah blah blah that doesn’t mean him getting those issues addressed means it will make him a better housekeeper and house-sharing partner.  Clearly the current state of affairs is untenable.  But you might want to consider just what percentage of this you’re willing to tolerate.  Say he seeks therapy and remains the same, but at least feeling less like his brain doesn’t work, will that work for you?  If he leaves you doing 70%?  If it’s a more equitable split but it’s achieved by you maintaining a sticker chart for your partner?  There are worse things in life than taking a loss on breaking a lease.  Staying in a living arrangement which is driving you to this much unhappiness is one of them.  

And no, I totally didn’t forget to finish this one.  

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 14 December 2017 II

It’s brisk but sunny here in lovely Dudenceville.  Needing the jacket when headed to work, but able to go without after leaving for the day.  There is a collection of leaves on the ground that will need to be raked this weekend.  I’ll be sure to reward myself for that labor with some hot cocoa with a healthy dose of Baileys.  In the meantime though it’s off to helping people who don’t want my help!

Before my paternal grandmother died, she would buy me an original American Girl doll every year for Christmas. I had the dolls, the books, and most of the accessories. My fondest memories of my time with my grandmother were playing with those dolls. I took very good care of them, and when I went off to college, I packed them up to be stored at my mother’s house. I have graduated and have my own place, so I went back to my mother’s to get my stored stuff. My mother gave away several of my dolls! A co-worker helped her out and mentioned her young daughter liked the dolls, so my mother just gave them to her! I was heartbroken, and we fought. My mother didn’t think it should matter since I had “so many.” I told her those dolls were worth a lot and she had no right to steal my things. I wanted her to tell me the name of her co-worker so I could get my dolls back. She refused and said that it was out of the question, that I would be embarrassing her.

Dear Dolls, leaving aside the righteousness of your mother’s actions regarding the toys you left in her care, she was sparing you embarrassment.  Do not be the person who calls a stranger asking them to take a toy away from their child because of a petty parent-child fight in your life.  Consider the dolls you lost to your mother repaying a favor the price you’ve paid to learn an important life lesson; don’t assume other people know your intentions.  Assuming you opened and played with the dolls, and none of them are from the original 1986 lines, it is highly unlikely any of them were actually worth more than a fraction over their retail price.  Heck, if you remember which dolls you lost you could probably get them on eBay in time for a Christmas gift to yourself.  The issues you and your mother have clearly go well-beyond her going Toy Story III on your stuff.  You should probably try and have a more productive conversation with your mother.  You should probably not try and hunt down whatever monster took your toys to give them to her child.  

I am 32 years old and a single mom to a 3-year-old daughter. I’m in graduate school and scheduled to graduate in May. I already have a job lined up after graduation. My daughter and I live rent-free with my parents, although I do pay a minimal amount for utilities and groceries, as well as take care of my other bills. Recently, my mother’s health has dramatically declined (debilitating arthritis, et cetera), and my father is not doing well either. They are only in their mid-50s. Rather than being grateful for what they’ve provided me with, I find myself resenting them. Whereas my mom and I used to be close, now we argue constantly. She thinks I’m ungrateful for the free child care and housing they’ve provided me. I think she uses it as a method of guilt-tripping me, and I wish she could recognize how hard I am trying.

Dear Ungrateful Child, the best way for you to adjust your attitude and improve the situation to where both you and your mother are respectful and appreciative of one another is for you to move out.  If you cannot do that because the sudden addition of a few thousand dollars in rent and child care to your budget is too prohibitive then I’m afraid you’re just going to need to suck up your pride and be ungrateful and resentful in private because you’re the one who is imposing in their dotage, benefiting from their largesse, and being a burden to their lives they didn’t expect.  Maybe offer to pay more than a “minimal” for the additional household expenses you and your child are incurring.  You describe your mother as suffering from crippling arthritis and your father is not doing well either.  Your mother’s attitude towards you might have soured recently because she knows she and your father are not able to provide the day care services you think they should, they are too embarrassed to tell you they’re no longer able to watch your toddler all the time you’re dealing with school, and they suspect it is something you can’t afford so they don’t see a way out.

My lovely husband of 33 years has always supported me and our two grown daughters. He’s progressive politically, except for one bump in the road: He’s a “But what was she wearing?” kind of guy when it comes to rape and sexual assault. I’ve gone ballistic on the subject but to no avail. Now, because of the #MeToo stories, he wants to know if I was ever sexually harassed, and I told him about things that happened to me. His response is that it’s just because I was good-looking at the time.

Dear “But What Was She Wearing?”, I’d be significantly more perturbed that he thought you were merely good looking at the time.  What?  You’re not now?  I digress.  I suppose I could give the trite answer of condemning your husband for his boorish idea of what women do to deserve to be harassed.  It would be easy, would earn me all the huzzahs from the right-thinking people of the world.  Blah blah blah.  You have an opportunity now to enlighten your husband about just how awful and insidious his attitude is.  Going ballistic isn’t going to help, it just makes him dig in more by thinking you’re over-reacting.  Personalize it, this happened to you, it is certainly going to happen to your daughters, you didn’t deserve it, even if you were hot, they don’t deserve it, even if they are.  The victims of sexual harassment aren’t only faces on the TV but the women in his life whom he loves and cares for.  Yes, it would be great if we lived in a world where you didn’t have to expend effort to bring your husband around to see things from your point of view.  I’d also like a Dodge Viper in my garage.  It is more likely I’ll get the Viper than your husband will wake up one day and spontaneously go “hey, my preconceptions were wrong!”

I have a longtime friend, since high school. We’re in our 60s. A group of seven of us from high school get together several times a month. This friend is generous and kind. She hosts or coordinates most of the events. However, she is pretty unyielding when others make suggestions about activities and doesn’t participate. The group frequently communicates in group texts and on Facebook. Whenever there’s a group conversation or a one-on-one conversation, she always brings the conversation around to her.

Dear Finally Figured Out, if you can’t figure out a way to have a difficult conversation with someone you’ve known 40 years there is nothing me or some millennial writer can offer.  It’s not going to be a pleasant conversation because you’re about to tell her you’ve been bothered by something she does for the better part of 4 decades.  It is very likely to blow up in your face and impact the others in your group.  Do with that information what you wish.

This is a fairly straightforward situation, but I’m not sure how to handle it. I’ve met a sweet guy, and we’ve exchanged numbers and have already gone on a first date. We have our second date tomorrow night, and three days after that, I’m having a laparoscopic (small incisions, in and out in a few hours) surgery. I’ll be on bed rest for a least a week, and since the surgery requires cutting into my abdominal muscles, it’ll be a while after the recovery before I’m able to sit up comfortably for a long period of time. I really don’t know how to explain all this on a second date without sounding like I have a weak constitution (I don’t—it’s gallbladder removal, which is one of the most common surgeries), or like I’m going to be incredibly needy for the next month or so after surgery.

Dear Second Date Surgery, do you have some underlying medical condition which makes you susceptible to long and painful recoveries from relatively minor surgeries?  Laproscoptic gallbladder surgery involves cutting into your abdominal muscles the same way that trimming your fingernails is cutting off a part of your finger.  The Mayo Clinic describes a week to being fully recovered and the British NHS says two weeks.  As for how to describe it “Hey babe, I have a great time with you, and I’d really like to keep seeing you, but I’m going to be laid up for a couple weeks because I’m getting my gallbladder removed.”  Honestly, if he’s going to ghost you because you get your gallbladder taken out you’re better off because it’s only a matter of time before he stops returning your calls because you needed your tires changed or you had to take your ferret to the vet for a check-up.

I’m married with a child, and I’m not all in. I don’t want to move into a home I own and make it communal property. The marriage is fairly happy. We get along, and I love her, but I have my doubts to whether we’ll make it for the long-term. I have more than $100,000 in equity in the home and consider it part of my retirement plan. The home would be perfect for our family, but I don’t want to forfeit my sole ownership of the property. If we were to live there and separate, the property would be a communal asset, and she would get half.

Dear Not All In, here’s my while face reading your letter :-I.  Do you really want to blow up your marriage over $100k?  Really?  You know what will cost a significant portion of 100k?  Child support for 18ish years.  Have you actually discussed with an attorney about what is and is not going to be considered communal property, because not every state has the same rules.  As a pre-existing asset which you have not occupied it’s likely it would be considered your own asset in the event you divorced.  Now, having said that, a serious discussion about your family finances, what each of you own, share, etc is never a bad conversation to have.  Also, just saying here, but if you don’t separate that house is also part of her retirement plan.  I’d like to be all pop-psych and say you’re using the house as a proxy for your real concerns, and you need to see a marriage counselor.  Doubting you’re going to make it long-term isn’t the best look, but it is almost refreshing in its honesty.  Maybe you won’t, many don’t.  I would have the conversation about your feelings and concerns before you have the one where you’re already divvying the assets with an eye towards you limiting your financial losses.  It won’t be a fun conversation either way, but it will be a lot less fun if your first salvo is the “I don’t want to give you money” volley.

I just found out that the 30-year-old guy I’ve started seeing is still a virgin (and not by choice). This really surprised me, because he is nice and charming. Is it a red flag that none of his previous girlfriends have wanted to take him to bed?

Dear Dating a 30 Year Old Virgin, is he Japanese?  If he is it’s perfectly normal.  If he’s not then it’s somewhere on the “huh?” spectrum.  Particularly given that it wasn’t a “choice” he made due to religion, personal preference, etc.  Were his previous girlfriends also virgins and wanting to remain so?  Does he ramp up the creepy factor after the fourth date?  Does he have a 17 inch cock and life isn’t a porno so they ran away screaming in terror?  That he is a virgin and 30 probably shouldn’t be a deal breaker, the reasons he is still one despite his best non-transactional efforts (I’m assuming you wouldn’t be okay if he went and banged a hooker to lose his V-card) might be something you keep in the back of your mind.

I am getting married this spring. This winter I have tried very hard to integrate my 6-year-old daughter and myself into my fiancé’s family since we don’t have much of one (only my grandmother is alive on my side, and my ex is worthless). My fiancé loves my daughter and has plans to adopt her after the wedding. His parents are very accepting as well. My problem is my sister-in-law to be, who is pregnant and very self-involved. Beyond referring to her baby as the “first grandchild,” she is having a girl and chose a name very similar to my daughter’s and my own (think Eliza, Lisbeth, and Elizabeth). She wants to refer to her unborn baby by the common nickname that both I and my daughter use, and she wants us to change how we are addressed because it would be too “confusing for the baby.” I laughed it off when she first brought it up, but she has been unrelentingly insistent. It is annoying to be called by my full Christian name when I haven’t gone by that since Catholic school, but I would be OK to suck it up in the name of family harmony—but not my daughter.

Dear Name, wow.  I’m actually going to be a bit more forgiving to your future sister-in-law than Newdie.  It’s her first kid and pregnancy really does alter the personality of the mother-to-be.  That the rest of the family, including your fiance go along with it is not a good look though.  That they then sat by as an adult woman made a little girl cry over an issue so stupid is borderline monstrous.  If I was being charitable I’d suggest maybe the family doesn’t realize just how important this issue is to you, nor do they realize the blaring signal this is sending to you about how you can expect your child to be treated after you join their family.  The person you need to make your feelings and expectations about this clear to are your fiance.  If he continues to think that you’re making a mountain of a molehill then he’s providing you some very valuable information about where you and your daughter are going to rank when it comes to interactions with the extended family.  Do with that information what you wish.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 14 December 2017

It’s a week until Christmas and Hanukkah is in swing.  Hopefully you’ve got your presents ordered, wrapped, or delivered.  If you’re one of the lucky few who don’t need to write to an advice columnist to figure out who you should spend your holidays with I hope it’s a great time for you.  I’ve got the gluehwein warming in the kitchen so on to the letters other people asked someone else!

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and he is loving, caring, and dedicated. He’s in the medical field and enjoys helping his patients. Most of the time, I can see myself marrying him and being happy, but some things he says politically make me nervous, and I’m worried that he’s too uncaring about other people’s situations. He doesn’t have a problem with Roy Moore being a senator because “he hasn’t been convicted.” He seems to judge sexual harassment victims for not coming forward earlier and doesn’t understand why some wouldn’t.

Dear Is He Insensitive, welcome to being in a relationship with someone who roots for another team than you do.  Sometimes this difference is between Yankee and Red Sox fans, sometimes it’s between OU and UT.  In this case it’s between D and R.  Your boyfriend is making excuses for Roy Moore’s behavior in the same way that Mets fans were perfectly cromulent with Jose Reyes’ domestic abuse and Texans fans shake their heads about Brian Cushing’s PED use.  Your boyfriend also has the perfectly human response to the victims of “This isn’t what I would do or what I would expect everyone I know to do if it happened to them.”  It doesn’t make him right or them wrong, it’s just something people do.  It doesn’t mean he is insensitive to the plight of such victims closer to him.  He just chooses to spend his emotional attention on people who are not complete strangers thousands of miles away with whom he will never interact.  I want you to go ahead and ignore Newdie’s advice on this one because, honestly, she is a child who thinks that history began on or about 21 January 2009.  Roy Moore is an awful person; his political actions alone should have been disqualifying for the office of Senator, that he took an interest in young women which was awkward for the time, and downright creepy when viewed through today’s expectations (Unless you’re the President and First Lady of France).  That he lost is, probably, for the benefit of the nation.  But unless you live in Alabama your boyfriend’s view on Moore’s candidacy matters exactly as much to your relationship as to whether he was a Cubs fan who was suddenly less than willing to condemn Ardolis Chapman as an abuser.  Also, let me go ahead and let you know that every single person who seeks that high of an elected office is, at some level, an awful person.  You need to be to have the single-minded megalomania to decide you, and you alone, know what is best for several thousand to hundreds of millions of people, many of whom deeply and sincerely disagree with you.  It’s just a matter of whether their awfulness has been brought to light, or if they’re a member of your team.  You might be too young to remember, but 18 months ago Bill Clinton’s history of assault and harassment was just not that important, and almost 30 years ago no less a feminist than Gloria Steinem believed he was entitled to One Free Grope.  Rand Paul is, apparently, an awful-enough neighbor to justify being assaulted.  Bob Menendez and Alcee Hastings took bribes.  There are, what, 4 Congressmembers who’ve been outed using taxpayer dollars to settle harassment claims?  Only you can decide whether your politically disinterested boyfriend’s lazy defense of a bad candidate is worth you blowing up a relationship with someone who satisfies you in the many other dimensions of a relationship.  I, personally, wouldn’t end a relationship I can see otherwise ending in wedding bells over a disagreement on the players on your political team. 

Is it ever acceptable to make a request about your partner’s appearance? I would never comment on something like weight or unchangeable physical characteristics (nor would I want to—I think my wife is beautiful). But what about easily changeable things? My wife has recently stopped coloring her hair, so now she is all gray.

Dear Dye Job, of course it’s acceptable to make requests about your partner’s appearance.  “Honey, I really like that red blouse you wore last week,” be polite, sensitive, and keep it positive.  As for your specific request let’s talk.  It was something she previously did, but she has stopped doing.  Maybe she didn’t like the hassle, maybe she thought it wasn’t money well-spent, maybe she didn’t think you noticed it enough, maybe she is just deciding to give her hair a break for a bit.  I’d suggest just asking her about it.  Frame the question in a positive and supportive way; if she asks if you have a preference, be honest, but accept it might just not be something she wants to do.  You’ll never know if you don’t ask.

I’m in my late-30s but for some reason am painfully embarrassed by my pre-teen/middle school years. I don’t want any throwback pics or “hey, remember how you used to...” discussion. It’s completely irrational. I was not tormented and had no particularly traumatic incidents. Just your garden-variety awkward. Anyway, I’ve never told anyone this because I realize it’s nuts. If things come up, I just laugh along and change the subject as swiftly as possible. But recently a family member has started posting clips from old family videos on Facebook. I am absolutely mortified at the thought of some of the videos that I know they have of me being made public.

Dear Adolescent Embarrassment, are you me?  It might be small comfort but, honestly, as long as your recorded moments don’t feature you fiving a Nazi salute or shooting the neighbors pets no one fucking cares how embarrassing and awkward you were as a pre-teen because all of us were like that.  The coolest, sexist, most confident person you know has a picture of video of them wearing awful clothes, a then-popular hairstyle, and their voice cracking in that awful way it does.  Ask whoever has those videos to not upload ones of you, and if they do it anyway just ignore it.

I am 36 years old and have been in a relationship with a great guy for almost two years. He is 43. We are talking about marriage and possibly kids if that works out. I have zero issues with our relationship—it’s great. The only concern I have is that prior to dating me, my boyfriend only dated very attractive women under 26 years old. Some of them were even as young as 20 or 22, while he was in his mid-to-late 30s. I guess I am concerned that someday he will want to go back to that.

Dear Reading Too Much, in addition to believing that history began on or about 21 January 2009 NuPru also thinks that romantic partners are incapable of wanting anything different from what they have dated before.  Yes, it is possible he might want to go back to dating college-age women, or the fact he’s dating you and you two are discussing a future together means he’s ready to move on from dating women in their early to mid 20s.  Also, since you’re talking age-ranges here a 34 year old dating a 26 year old is not exactly Mrs. Robinson trying to seduce someone.  Heck, it’s well within Half Your Age +7.  NuPru is reading an exceptional amount of malice into very sparse information.  If you haven’t talked with your boyfriend about your concern that you might be a bit too mature for his chickenhawkish ways may I suggest that you do so.  However, when you do I suggest you throw out all the argle-bargle NuPru mentioned about “power imbalance”, “being fresh out of high school”, etc because the only way to make that conversation end more poorly would be to ask if he’s preparing to run for the Senate in 20 years.  Don’t ask him why he wanted to date youngerer women, ask him what makes his relationship with you more special than the ones that came before.  

I recently got out of a very long-term relationship. I hadn’t expected to enter the dating world so soon, but I met a guy while traveling for work and made an instant connection with him. I only travel to his area a few weeks a year, so I stayed in contact with him and we chat almost every day. Well, I’ve just recently met someone else more local (once again, it caught me by surprise). I know I’m not necessarily ready for a relationship with either, but I’m really starting to like both of them. I’ve always felt I could be polyamorous, as I feel that people have the capability to care for and love multiple people, but should I continue spending time with both of them?

Dear Poly Maybe?, you see that cart in front of you?  You need to dismount your horse, unhitch it from the cart, move your horse in front of the cart, then rehitch it.  You’re newly free from a long-term relationship and now you’ve found multiple people you want to bang.  It is far, far, far more likely that something is going to come along to derail your relationship with either, or both, of them before you need to start explaining how you love them both equally and hope they’re okay with you being banged by the other.  

My father has just collapsed from a cancer none of us knew he had. He is ailing, and my mother is absolutely freaking out. She has always had undiagnosed, untreated mental illnesses. Since his retirement, she has clung to my father. My sister is there trying to manage things while my father is in the hospital. If she leaves the room, my mother freaks out. Last night mom called me, hysterical, saying that she had been “abandoned” (my sister went to the gym). She wandered the neighborhood wailing and sobbing until a neighbor came out to talk to her. Sooner or later, someone may call the police. She has not been to a doctor since I was born (I’m in my 50s). She won’t listen to anyone and wouldn’t let a caseworker into the house to assess the situation. I am estranged from all of them but would like to get her some help.

Dear Mother off the Rails, provide your sister the elderly care information Newdie offered.  

I recently asked out a man and he said yes (yay!). However, it turns out my roommate is also interested in him.

Dear Swiped a Crush, she who hesitates is lost.  Give her the polite heads-up, be prepared for some drama, but go on with your plans.  Real life is not an episode of Friends.

My daughter is 16 years old. Her mother and I have been divorced for most of my daughter’s life. For years, I have had to fight my ex’s attempt to keep my daughter from me and to keep joint, 50-50 custody. However, as a teen my daughter has been rebelling—stealing, failing school, et cetera. I’ve punished her by taking her phone away or not letting her go over to friend’s houses. Instead of backing me up, my ex sides with my daughter—without asking me why I punished her.

Dear Daughter Doesn’t Want, the good news is in a few years she’ll be dating Reading Too Much’s ex-boyfriend.  Wait, that might not be good news.  I would not sacrifice your time with your daughter so easily as Newdie is suggesting.  I get the impression that your relationship with your daughter’s mother is not the most amicable, but if you haven’t had a serious parent-to-parent discussion with her lately over your daughter’s behavior, discipline for her self-destructive actions, and the expectation that you’ll both support one another you need to.  I’d also suggest dealing with your lawyer about what your options actually are.  Your daughter is old enough that her preferences should be given some serious weight, but she’s not so old or mature that she should just be allowed to go off the rails.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 1 December 2017

And we are now in December!  Christmas time!  Trees, lights, inflatable penguins!  And drama!  Soooooooooooo much drama.  It is the season for sharing mulled wine with people you like, and who like you back.  So grab a mug of warmed wine, cider, or chocolate and let’s see what sort of problems I can make worse for people I don’t know!

I live in a close-knit neighborhood. In October, my neighbor’s 16-year-old daughter ran over my family’s beloved cat. She was driving irresponsibly and texting, and she was horrified by what she’d done. I have tried not hating her, and I’ve tried telling myself that there’s always a risk that a cat allowed outdoors will be hit by a car. But I’m angry, and the best thing for me now is to keep my distance from the girl and her family. The parents won’t back off, though. Their daughter is traumatized, and they want me to comfort her.

Dear Cat Killer, unexpectedly losing a beloved pet sucks.  And to have it happen because of the negligent actions of a person you need to continue interacting with is doubly sucky.  I’m going to disagree with Newdie though about it not being awful for you to continue to want to emotionally punish your neighbor’s daughter.  You don’t have to forgive her for her actions; she killed a member of your family afterall.  But is “making a child feel terrible and refusing any kindness towards her,” really the hill you wish to die on?  You say you live in a closely-knit neighborhood, so here’s how it’s going to play out.  You’re going to continue to hold this over your neighbor and their daughter.  They’re going to talk with your other neighbors and, eventually, it will come around to the point where you’re being petty, vindictive, and emotionally cruel to not move on.  It was “just a cat” and you did “know what could happen” if you let it roam outside in an area where cars traveled.  In the not-too-distant future you’re going to lose the very loose and sandy moral high ground on which you’re standing, and it’s not going to be fun for you.  I recommend you think long and hard about what sort of acts of contrition you want to see from your neighbor’s kid as a way to earn your forgiveness, and when she achieves that provide it.  At the end of the day the girl is going to eventually forgive herself and move on.  Whether you do or you allow this anger and resentment to eat away at you and your relations with your neighbors is up to you.

I’m a single woman with a large extended family. I cope with the enormous project of buying Christmas presents by getting them very early. Everyone in my family knows this; it’s the family joke that I have all my presents purchased by Halloween. My brother’s wife “Jean” sent out a group text last week saying they have decided not to exchange gifts with the extended family and would only be getting gifts for each other and their own kids. They have five kids, both together and via previous marriages, so I understand, but would have appreciated more notice. My mom asked what I was going to do, and I said I’d keep the gifts for the kids but return the ones I got for my brother and Jean. Unfortunately, my dad, the family big mouth, overheard us and told my brother.

Dear Christmas Gift Drama, Jean is not right.  Christmas is not about gift-giving.  It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.  That we have turned it into a celebration of eating, basketball, giving and exchanging gifts is ancillary to whatever the “meaning” of the holiday is.  Grown-ass people getting their panties in a wad because their grown-ass sibling didn’t get them something after they said they’re not getting the sibling something are pathetic.  You are morally and ethically in the right to return their gifts.  Send them a nice card with a friendly and caring message of love for the holidays.  Although do send the kids their gifts; it’s not their fault their mother acted rudely.

How do I cut off my seemingly well-intentioned family? My whole life, my little sister was the favorite. Growing up, other adults even commented on it to me, which actually helped because it showed me it wasn’t all in my head. On the outside they are a well-meaning Southern family, but to me they are suffocating.

Dear Just Want Out, you’re not going to be able to ghost your own family.  You’re, eventually, going to need to tell them why you’re ignoring them.  Or, you’re going to tell someone why and they’re going to tell them.  So, sack-up and tell them you’re not going to be joining them because it’s not in the budget, whether due to money or time.  Send a polite card wishing them well for the holiday and move on with your life.  Hit “ignore” on the Family Gift Wish List text as well.

I have been struggling with my son for a long time and just don’t know how to get through to him. He started out being very impulsive as a young child, not thinking things through, getting aggressive with other children, and not listening. Once he entered grade school the aggressive behavior toned down significantly, thank goodness, and he appeared to be listening to his teachers. At home is a different story. I’ve been divorced from my son’s father since he was 2-1/2 years old but up until recently he still maintained contact with him. I attributed many of his behaviors to his father’s leniency and lack of discipline. However, my son is nine now and no longer has contact with his father, who is a deadbeat.

Dear At Wits’ End, oof.  This is a heart-breaking letter on several levels.  There’s a whole lot of hurt, pain, and problems in not a lot of space, and much of them are far beyond the capabilities of NuPru or me to address.  As much as I’d like to join in NuPru’s condemnation of your actions and the consequence it has had on your son I’m not going to.  Parenting is hard, single-parenting harder still, and even the best, most wonderful, and well-intentioned people can fail when pushed hard enough.  Hitting your kid in anger is a terrible thing to do, your 9 year old cannot have done anything to justify such violence, it’s not going to result in the behavior you want, and will likely get you seriously hemmed up by the law.  Maybe she’s right that your actions have left your son unable to form friendships or fail to hit developmental milestones, but it’s also possible there are some underlying medical issues which could be at play, and the healing power of “and” is always at work.  Certainly your actions and attitude towards him aren’t helping, but without identifying that possibility you’re going to be swimming against the stream even more than you are now.  You need to get yourself some help to deal with your anger and stress.  You need to get your son some help as well; his school district almost certainly has some resources to identify if he has a developmental issue.  And it’s not likely his teachers haven’t noticed his behavior, so it’s probably something someone there is considering.  After you get yourself some help for the anger and control issues it might be worth trying to reestablish a relationship with the boy’s father.  That he became a “deadbeat” while you were belittling his parental choices and escalating the emotional and physical abuse of your shared child might be connected.

I’m a trans woman who’s been in a relationship with a queer cis girl for a couple years. It has slowly come out that my partner wants to “date people who have vaginas.” She’s told me before that she sees herself as having been historically deprived of the ability to date people with vaginas because society has primed her relationship life to involve “people who have penises.” I feel hurt by this analysis, because I honestly have never seen any societal
forces compelling anyone to date trans people like me. This line of logic also seems disingenuous given that she was raised in a cis lesbian household. I feel hurt and inadequate. When we have conversations about this, the conversation always unfolds with her in the role of the victim. This is a difficult dynamic to escape, because she is better than me at using sound social justice rhetoric.

Dear Just Want to Feel Normal, you’re not taking this too personally.  Once we strip away all the gender identifying text this is about your significant other no longer being attracted (as attracted?) to you, wanting to date other people, but wanting to keep you around for their own satisfaction.  Oh, and there’s also a bit of mind-fuckery going on where she’s trying to blame you for not wanting to be her doormat.  Your girlfriend can deploy all the social justice rhetoric she wishes, but it doesn’t change that she’s behaving like an asshole.  It sucks when someone you love reveals they no longer feel the same, and it’s a suck-multiplier when they exploit your own feelings of inadequacy and emotional vulnerabilities at the same time.  Just because you’re trans doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend is treating you.  You deserve to have a supporting, caring partner who is totally into you, and I hope you find them.

I recently became good friends with “Absalom” and “Richard.” Richard is queer and non-binary but very masculine-presenting, while Absalom is a straight cis man (I myself am a gay cis man). When we first became friends, Richard and I both developed small crushes on Absalom before we knew his sexuality. We both subtly and innocently flirted with him a couple times. After Absalom offhandedly mentioned he was straight, I backed off, no big deal.

Dear Looking for Straight Talk, much like Wanting to Feel Normal, let’s go ahead and strip out the genders, orientation, etc.  Bottom line is one of your friends is romantically pressuring one of your other friends in a way which the object of the affections doesn’t seem to appreciate, is noticed and negatively remarked upon by another group of friends, and which is making you uncomfortable.  You passed the point where Richard’s behavior was “not OK” a while ago.  Actually, you know what, let’s call him Dick.  Absalom is not enthusiastically consenting to Dick’s come-ons and Dick is either not picking up on this, thinks he just needs to apply the right amount of pressure to make Absalom come around, is getting his jollies out of making Absalom have to take his unreciprocated advances, or the healing power of “and”.  Let’s put the genders, orientation, etc back into the question.  Despite what Kevin Spacey says, being non-heteronormative isn’t carte-blanche to behave boorishly.  Honestly, had this situation involved a man making unwelcome advances towards a woman Bad Pru would have been much more straight-forward in her advice and the condemnation of Dick’s behavior.  So I will.  What you’re describing is the sort of sexual impropriety we really shouldn’t tolerate.  Let Dick know it’s “Not Okay”, or, preferably, let Dick know that he’s being a fucking creep.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 30 November 2017

It’s the penultimate day of the week.  Friday Eve.  Time to start warming up for the weekend.  With a glass of wine in hand and a series of questions needing answers it’s on to the fun!

My 5-year-old daughter is the joy of my life. She is smart, funny, kind, and adorable—but she is a terrible singer! I mean, dogs will howl when she sings. But for some reason, she thinks she is a great singer and insists on doing it often and at the top of her lungs, which annoys me to no end.

Dear Breaking a 5-year old’ heart, this is my face as I read your letter:  :-I  I’m hoping you’re rereading this yourself and realizing you’re the villain in a children’s movie.  All that being said, of course your five year old is a terrible singer.  She’s 5.  They’re terrible at everything.  Have you ever seen them run?  Ride a bike?  Cook?  Throw a football?  Drive a car?  They’re awful at all of them.  You know why?  Because they’re five.  Do not, I repeat DO NOT stop your child from singing just because you think she’s a terrible singer.  Teach her time and place for quiet time, and if she’s just too precocious maybe look into a children’s choir (your local church almost certainly has one).

My significant other and I have been together for a couple of years. When we met, I knew that he was in the poly scene, but he said that was not a necessity for him. I was curious about opening up the relationship but wanted us to build our relationship first. At this point, I feel like we have a strong foundation and am curious about opening things up. I have not had great experiences with nonexclusive relationships before and know that I have a strong jealous streak. However, I am also turned on by the idea of my partner being with someone else, although I wouldn’t want us to have full-blown relationships with other people.

Dear Happily considering an open relationship, I’m going to guess that “strong jealous streak” and “open relationship” are not quite mixing nitro and glycerin, but it’s a close enough approximation.  That being said if it’s something you’re interested in, bring it up with your partner.  Talk, talk some more, then talk some more, and if you’re both still down for it go and start banging other people to your heart’s, or wherever else’s, content.  But, let’s go ahead and back up a bit.  You mention that you’re turned on by the fantasy of your partner being with someone else.  One, not every fantasy is meant to be experienced, nor will they live up to the hype.  Two, “I get wet/hard in my nethers thinking about him with someone else” doesn’t necessarily need to be satisfied by both of you needing to seek out half-blown relationships with other people.  Maybe just a threesome with a professional satisfies that particular itch?  Remember, shop local this holiday season.

My stepmom has always had an odd habit of trying to co-opt my parents’ shared history to minimize my mother’s role. For example, someone will tell a story that happened in the ’80s, when my brother and I were toddlers, and my stepmom will remark on how she remembers or was present at that event, even though this was years before my parents broke up.

Dear Mom who, not to be that guy but how sure are you that something which happened before your parents broke up means it’s impossible your stepmom wasn’t around then?  Nevermind.  Not to defend an evil stepmother here, but “I don’t want my husband’s ex at family functions involving me, his current wife,” is not the most unreasonable request in the world.  It would be great if we lived in a world where, even after divorce, all parties behaved respectfully towards each other.  Also, if you were a toddler in the 80s you’re a grown-ass (wo)man now.  You might just need to accept that your dad and his wife are just not going to be able to play nice with your mom, and stop trying to make it happen.  You might not be being petty, but you’re certainly refusing to acknowledge the actual state of the relationship between your parents and their current spouses.

After my brother’s divorce, he doesn’t speak to his daughters (ages 16, 19, and 23). I have maintained a great relationship with my nieces. I feel that that their relationship with their father has nothing to do with me. I am supportive of all mature behavior, by anyone.

Dear Auntie in the Middle, I’d say keep on keeping on by being someone on their father’s side of the family the can reach out to.  If you want to take some extra effort to keep the grandparents and grandchildren connected then arrange a time when the girls will call that the grandparents knoew to expect the call.  “Hey mom, Daughter 2 would really just like to speak with you.  She’s going to call you Sunday afternoon, please make sure your phone is on.”  Also, there is no rule which says people can’t write.  “Hey dad, you and Daughter 1 keep missing each other’s calls, could you shoot her an email? She’d really like to hear from y’all.”

My boyfriend’s family is all very abusive to each other, and in turn, it’s all he knows. He is a very sweet and loving person, but if even mildly agitated, he’ll call me names and scream at me that I’m crazy. Today he told me that he was breaking up with me and to get the fuck off his property or he would call the police, after pushing me out and slamming my arm in the door. Turns out, it was his mom’s birthday and I wasn’t invited, and he forgot when he invited me over and said we were going out tonight. He then texted me, acting very sweetly again, saying he just wanted me to leave and didn’t know how to make me leave, that he’s sorry, all that.

Dear Boyfriend’s Abusive Family, you know my expression from the mom who hates her child’s singing voice?  Yeah, I’m giving you that face hoping you’ll hear what you’re saying.  Your boyfriend is a monster and he’s going to seriously injure you.  I get it, he’s from a terrible family and he’s acting the only way he knows how.  He’s also going to put you in the hospital one day.  The reason he’s a wonderful, caring person when he’s not a rage demon is because if he was such a creature all the time he wouldn’t get you to want to stay with him.  Leave.  Leave now.  

I have been in a relationship with the same person my entire adult life (10 years). We’re all but engaged, and he wants very much to buy a house and settle down into a blissful future. It’s a beautiful dream, but I feel discontent, and there’s a big part of me that desperately wants to run away, drop 70 pounds, and sleep with other people. I want to sleep around and date and do all the things I missed out on, but I can’t bear to lose him.

Dear FOMO or something more serious, you could discover you’re half Amish and want to give rumsphringe a go.  Much like Newdie I cannot predict the future.  Unlike Newdie though I can give you one of two options how it’s going to go.  1, you’re going to break up with your long term boyfriend who satisfies you in all those dull, mundane ways which long-term partners satisfy each other and you’re going to find out that banging bunches of people you don’t know well and who don’t care that much about you isn’t all you thought it would be, that travel is actually kind of dull; sure it has its moments, but at the end of it you spent a lot of money to go someplace that wasn’t all it looked to be in the movies, and kind of smelled like pee (Hello Paris!), and at the end of it all you’re going to find your ex used the opportunity as well and enjoyed it.  2, you’re going to find that, now freed from your anchor of a boyfriend you shed that weight and it turns out you love banging hot guys and gals in hidden nooks and blind corners in all the places to which you travel.  I know which outcome I’m going to bet on.

I have a co-worker who is very polite, fun to be around, and treats me with respect. The problem? My intuition is telling me that her kindness is fake and that I should be careful to trust her. I just have this feeling that I can’t trust her and that she will use our friendship against me. I have no evidence to back this mindset up, but it’s always in the back of my mind when I’m around her. How do I get past this?

Dear Deviance in my head, you don’t get past it.  It’s work, not play group.  You don’t trust them.  Be professional, but they’re not your friend and you don’t need them to be to do your fucking job.

I am a middle-aged woman. The past year has been stressful: My husband retired due to disability. I gave up a part-time job to travel with him, but we ended up staying home. Our 20-year-old daughter had a mental health crisis, left college, and moved back home. We are in very good financial shape. We get along OK, although I find myself mediating arguments between the two of them.

Dear Rehab, several aspects of your life were unexpectedly turned on their head, and not for the better.  Honestly, I felt like refreshing my drink just reading it.  Being aware that you’re upping your alcohol intake and that you’re likely doing it in response to some stresses in your life is a good start.  Instead of running off to find a program to control your suspected alcoholism, maybe you should first just try not drinking as much.  Have your beer with dinner, and then stop.  If that doesn’t work you might want to look into getting some help, but I’m having a hard time thinking you’re an alcoholic when you haven’t actually shown you’re not in control of your relationship with alcohol.

One of my good friends from high school recently came out to me as gay. We were part of a tight friend group—all cis men who graduated from high school about 10 years ago. He and I have remained friends, and since he came out to me, he has mentioned having boyfriends and dating men since at least early college, meaning he was in the closet (or at least not out to me) for a while now.

Dear Did I keep my friend in the closet, I have an acquaintance who files letters like your under the header “Dear World, how can I show the world how woke I am?”.  You are being selfish, overthinking this, and are definitely trying to insert yourself into your friend’s relationship with his own sexualtiy.  Also, it’s likely you and your other friends talking about masturbation and discussing porn with him made him gay because that is totally how that works.  You should tell him that.

I love my boyfriend, “Stan,” and I see a future together. My only problem is how enmeshed his life is with his ex, “Sara.” Sara is gay and came out after she divorced Stan. They have a son together. Sara and her partner have three kids together. Stan got remarried but lost his wife to cancer. His stepdaughter is still in her final year of high school so she lives with him. Stan and his family go over to Sara’s all the time for dinner. Stan is the Little League coach for one of their kids and takes the other two camping and hiking. His son is in college, but Stan refers to Sara’s kids as his all the time! His stepdaughter calls them her “aunts” and “cousins.”

Dear Separate Lives, your boyfriend didn’t lose his wife to cancer, she died from it.  Back to the letter.  It’s good you feel like an ogre for resenting the positive and fulfilling relationship your boyfriend has with his son, his son’s half-siblings, and the daughter of his dead wife, because “ogrish” is one of the words I thought of while when I saw how this letter was going to go.  The way you start this conversation would be to discuss how you view your future together.  Maybe, just maybe, Stan doesn’t see the same future you do.  The dude does have bad luck with wives afterall.  Maybe he is looking forward to downsizing and letting the kids live their own lives when they’re older.  You won’t know unless you ask.  There’s nothing in your discussion with Stan that is guaranteed to start a fight.  I mean, unless you go into it demanding he boot out his stepdaughter (she’s not his real daughter away) and get those disgusting lesbos away from y’all.  If you do that then, yeah, it’s going to be a fight.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 29 November 2017

It’s the time of year where work is gearing up because everyone is going to be gone and trying to clear their inboxes out with the minimum work actually done.  Enjoying some Mezcal and Bittermilk’s offerings are a great way to get through the chilly nights.  So let’s sip some deliciousness and get on to other people’s problems!

Both of my older sister’s children are on the autism spectrum. Her eldest son is 13 and my sister makes sure he gets to experience everything just the same as the other kids; he’s never treated any differently from anyone else in the family. She has taken the same approach with her younger son, “Johnny” (4), but he has a lot more trouble with social interactions. At our mom’s birthday party a few months ago, the older boy was quiet but seemed to enjoy things. Johnny had a meltdown and ended up biting me when I tried to stop him from smashing a glass table. There have been other incidents too.

Dear Adult Table, Kid Table, your sister is probably aware that her 4 year old Autistic son has problems and needs some accommodations.  Since she has already successfully raised one such child to teenagerdom, it might be a bit presumptuous of you to think she’s either not aware of the extent of her younger son’s issues, nor does she not know how to accommodate them.  Some good advice when dealing with any situation where young children are present is to not have readily breakable items around; a neurotypical 3-4 year old is perfectly capable of throwing their own accidently table-destroying tantrum.  If the festivities are at your house, call your sister and ask what, if any, accommodations she’d like you to make.  Maybe a guest room they can go to if he’s getting overwhelmed, but otherwise I’m sorry, but you might just need to accept that your sister probably knows her kids and their needs better than you do.

I just told my boyfriend that I’m asexual. It’s taken me a long time to accept this about myself, and that it doesn’t mean I’m broken in any way, and saying it aloud feels like a weight off my shoulders. The problem is that now my boyfriend says we have to break up. I’ve told him that even though I don’t want to have sex, it doesn’t bother me to have it sometimes if it makes him happy. But he said that felt gross and “pervy.”

Dear No Asexuals, he probably should have phrased his remarks better than “gross” and “pervy”, but I totally see where he’s coming from.  You just told him that you’re not interested in sex, but you’re willing to do it sometimes just to make him happy.  He’s probably looking for someone who is a bit more enthusiastic about banging with him and whose consent goes beyond “Fine, if it makes you happy”.  Believe it or not but the rest of the world doesn’t revolve about you and what you want.  You and your soon-to-be-ex simply want something different on an issue which, for most people, is an integral part of a happy, loving relationship.  Honestly, since your boyfriend is turning down sex because he knows it’s something you’re doing out of a feeling of obligation rather than personal desire, it seems to me he wants something from you beyond mere sex.

I just found out that my husband might have another son. Seven years ago, before we met, my husband had a brief relationship with a woman. Shortly after, he found out through a mutual acquaintance that she was pregnant. The woman claimed that a different man was the father. My husband was skeptical, but he took her word for it. Fast-forward seven years, and with some sleuthing by my sister-in-law on Facebook, there are pictures of the child and he looks remarkably like my husband. I found all of this out when a message from my sister-in-law popped up on my husband’s phone while I was using it.

Dear Is he or isn’t he, in what way do you think you and your husband inserting yourself into this relationship will benefit you, the child, the ex, the child’s dad (“dad”?).  No, you should not pursue a DNA test.  No, you should not reach out to him.  Yes, you should tell your sister-in-law to mind her own fucking business and tell your husband to let it go.  As for Prudie’s advice about how you should feel about your husband, you know what, she’s wrong.  The relationship was pre-you.  He did his due diligence when he found out she was pregnant and the timing made it possible to be his; she said it wasn’t.  You’re basing the idea he’s got a bastard child off of seeing a familial relationship through pictures.  Let’s go ahead and say you allow yourself a whole lot of resentment towards your husband due to his minimal effort to determine paternity over the objections of the mother.  You ruin the life of this innocent child and his relationship with the only father he’s ever known, and you find out your husband isn’t the father, he just happens to share high cheekbones.  What now?  Do you apologize to your husband for your actions?  Do you just ignore it?  This is course of action of extreme risk for no foreseeable reward.

I, and a lot of the people that I know, suffer from anxiety and depression, as well as other mental health difficulties. If I know that a friend is struggling, I want to make sure that they are taking care of themselves and getting help if they need it. I don’t want to be pushy, but I also know from experience that a generic “That sucks. I hope you feel better,” or “I’m here if you want to talk,” isn’t very helpful. How can I offer my genuine support without coming off like I’m one of those annoying people who load people down with suggestions?

Dear Not just the appearance… you know the best way to not ask generic, unhelpful questions?  Don’t ask generic, unhelpful questions.  Don’t give them advice (Have you tried…”) ask open-ended, fact-finding questions; show them you’re interested in their well-being by being interested in their well-being.  Also, speaking from personal experience, maybe the anxious depressed person is not the best person to be judging the mental health or offering advice related to such to other people.

I recently lost a lot of weight, and it’s causing huge issues at my school, et cetera. I never intended to lose the weight and am trying to gain back a pound or two. But no matter how much I try to tell people they still think I have an issue, especially at family gatherings—a simple decline of a cookie prompts people to say “you are so skinny, eat more” or “you’re not the same as before.”

Dear No Disorder, the thing missing from your letter is the part where the sudden, unexpected, and undesired weight loss was discussed with a doctor who determined there was no underlying condition.  “Sudden, unexpected changes in weight” are a hallmark of endocrine issues as well as cancer and parasites.  Before you take NuPru’s advice and tell everyone nothing is wrong and to mind their own business, why don’t you go ahead and make sure you really are doing well.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 28 November 2017

The first leg of the holiday marathon is complete.  Leftovers are diminishing in anticipation of making room for the next major hurdle.  A Westveltern 12 was enjoyed and the arm glow of that deliciousness carries me through to now.  So, let’s go ahead and get back into the swing of things.

My fiancé and I are both gay but he was married very briefly, 25 years ago, to “Pam.” They had two girls, and they stayed a part of each other’s lives after the divorce. Pam was even the biological mother for the son he had with his next partner. They’ve shared every holiday, vacation, and family event, even after the kids grew up and left the house. My fiancé lost his partner several years before we met.

Dear Out of the Way, you certainly have the right to draw a border between your future marriage and your fiance’s relationship with his ex-wife.  I’m going to venture though that this is a fucking emotional minefield you’re setting to go through on a pogo-stick.  This isn’t your run-of-the-mill ex, she birthed a child for your fiance and his deceased husband (on an unrelated note, don’t say “lost”, say what you mean.  Dude died.) and they have maintained an exceptionally emotionally connected relationship for a quarter century.  It’s never a bad idea to have a conversation with your life-partner-to-be about boundaries and your life together, but you might want to be prepared for some answers you don’t want to receive.

I recently asked a friend out after she’d broken up with her boyfriend. It was a hard pass on her part: no gray areas, definitely not going to happen. I’m not going to lie, that was not the best five minutes I’ve ever had. We’re still friends with no hard feelings, except … I still like her. If she ever said, “Hey! I was wrong about you being completely sexually unattractive to me! Let’s go dance and make out like bunnies,” I would be there. If she never feels that way, that’s grand too. She’s fun to be around. She didn’t say I was completely sexually unattractive to her, but that was the gist I got, just phrased nicely.

Dear Not-a-Creeper Primer, maybe this is a tautology, but the best way to not be a creeper is to not be a creeper.  An opportunity presented itself, you took it, and it didn’t work out.  I applaud you taking the chance; speaking as a fellow chance-taker good on you.  As long as your Bad Five Minutes didn’t involve a boom box or a soliloquy about how you two are really soul mates it’s probably recoverable.  Asking her out after the break-up was probably a bit too soon, but, as Wayne Gretsky said, you miss all the shots you don’t take.  Accept that she’s not interested in you in that way, will not be, and move on accordingly.  If, through the course of events she changes her mind, great.  But don’t deny you your own happiness holding out hope that she comes around.  There’s three and a half billion women on this planet, some other one will be very, very eager to bang you, maybe even not for money!

My father received an inquiry from a woman claiming to be the “love child” of my late uncle. (We have verified her claim.) She wants to know more about the family and has requested to connect via social media, but a quick glance at her Facebook reveals a torrent of conservative posts and borderline-racist comments. Is it OK to gracefully decline but still provide health information and family linkages?

Dear Ancestry Question, let me get this straight, because this woman has bad thoughts you don’t want to share information about her biological family’s history, but you’d be willing to do so had she expressed the currently-correct thoughts?  Because you know you don’t need to connect to her on Facebook to share that information right?  You didn’t need to be connected to New Pru to ask her this question afterall, or her to you to answer it.  So, yes, it is okay to decline her friend request while still providing the answers to questions she asks.

I can’t tell if I’m hanging onto a grudge, overly insecure, or justified: Recently, my husband confessed to having an emotional affair with a young woman who worked with him. It happened 10 years ago. We were, I thought, happily married when they became close. He tried to kiss her, and she rebuffed him. They continued working together and he felt she “understood” him while he was feeling lost; six months later they briefly made out, then pulled back physically, but continued to have a “special, close” relationship until they stopped working together several years later. He claims that he always loved me, they never had any kind of sex, and anyway, I wasn’t meeting his needs at the time. He’s apologized profusely since telling me, and I believe that he’s sorry.

Dear Long Ago and Far Away, your husband is a moron and I dislike him intensely.  For whatever reason the knowledge he was unfaithful to you, and you didn’t know it, was bothering him so much that he needed to unburden himself to you.  Let me take him at his word that he only connected with her emotionally rather than penisly.  This is a very selfish act on his part, he’s trying to make himself feel better by sharing information you were ignorant of, were not going to discover, and was not going to improve your relationship.  He then competes for the Silver Medal in the Dumb Move Olympics sponsored by Bad Idea Jeans by trying to blame you for why he felt the need to sext his underling.  In case you’re curious the Gold Medal will be if he really did bang her and he tried to do this modified, limited hangout because he wanted to soften the blow.  Believe it or not there are choices between “I’m really not feeling emotionally supported by my wife whom I love, I’m going to suffer on in silence,” and “Hey employee, I’m horny and my wife doesn’t understand me, send me a tit pic!”.  It’s too fresh to be a grudge, I can see “insecure” as a feeling this would inspire, but you are wholly justified in being upset and hurt by this.

I don’t know who to ask without sounding like a braggart, so I’m hoping you can help. After years of living paycheck to paycheck, my spouse was unexpectedly promoted. The pay is excellent and right in time for the holidays! I should be celebrating—but I don’t know how. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have to stretch a penny, even in childhood. I excitedly picked out some cheap but beautiful holiday decorations the other day but returned them before I could even get to the register. Less than $30 worth of stuff that made my and my children’s eyes light up, but I could not do it! How do I get past this mindset?

Dear No Longer Struggling, far be it for me to harsh your high but taking some time to settle into this boon is not a bad idea.  Also, “My wage-slave husband got a promotion that came with a pay raise,” is not exactly the most impressive of brags.  Finally, I’m changing the name of this to “Dead Grinchence”.  Viewing a $30 gift to your family as something beyond the pale might be a bit much, and if they’re durable decorations which you can use for a couple Christmases it’s a completely reasonable splurge.  So, please, take that as permission to go back to Walmart and buy the 3ft inflatable penguin; it’s adorable.

I’m 54 years old. I’ve been divorced for 11 years and haven’t dated since—until last month, when I started dating an acquaintance. I really enjoy his company. He’s made a few passes at me and I wonder if he’s wanting sex. Nowadays, is there an appropriate period to wait before taking the plunge?

Dear When to Start, to answer your first question: Yes, he wants sex.  To answer your second question: No, there is no “appropriate” waiting period.  It’s banging, not buying a gun.  You wait as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable saying “yes”.  Preferably don’t be black-out drunk when you get that comfortable.