#please read cipher’s post it’s so good I just didn’t want to reblog with this post because I knew it would be so fuckin long

[facelessoldgargoyle]

Reading @cipheramnesia’s fantastic analysis of transmedicalism reminded me about a period of my own gender discovery adventure. The general structure went like:

1. Yay, I’ve finally figured out my sexuality! I love consuming content from queer people! Oh, a lot of queer people are trans?

2. Intense fascination with ✨transgenderism ✨

3. Haha I’m cis tho. Wait but how do I know? What is gender and how do you know what gender you are?

4. Excited investigation

5. Exhausted, confused, uncertain, and anxious investigation.

6. Fuck it, I think I’m some flavor of nonbinary and I won’t ever tell anyone and I’ll live my whole life like that and it will be FINE.

7. Wait, if other people are able to so precisely describe their gender, and have such a strong internal sense of their own gender, and I’m only [assigned gender at birth] because other people have assigned it to me, then I’m probably not that gender. I’m going to gently tell people that I don’t have a gender, and if they insist on giving me a label, I guess they can understand me as agender.

8. Hey fuck you, you don’t get to tell me that I have a gender! Fuck off! Pronouns? Never heard of her! Use whatever makes you the most uncomfortable!

It took me about 2 and a half years to get through this, because I’m nothing if not thorough, unable to give up on something I’ve started thinking about, and bullheaded as shit. However, I spent a while in phase 5, the part where being trans was no longer a new concept, I had seen the same five thinkpieces and posts over and over, and I was sick of being so uncertain. I just wanted to be able to have a conclusion, but no one could give me a framework for gender that met my epistemic standards (oh the joy of being a philosopher) and so I had no framework within which to evaluate myself.

This is when I encountered transmedicalism, and frankly, the certainty it professed was very attractive. It had simple rules and simple diagnostic criteria and simple consequences: have dysphoria, be trans, get HRT etc.

While I was still uncertain if I was cis, I started evaluating myself along these lines, and I started giving myself dysphoria because I didn’t want to be cis (even though I couldn’t admit that to myself yet.)

Here’s why I didn’t commit to transmedicalism, and decided I was trans for point 7 (above) instead.

A) I didn’t really want any of the medical treatments though. If I could change my body with a video game character design screen, I’d definitely do some customizing, but I didn’t want to become another binary gender.

B) I was pretty sure I wasn’t the [opposite gender assigned to me at birth]. But I was starting to think I wasn’t cis because I was also seeing opinions like “the number one symptom of being trans is wanting to be trans,” and “it’s normal for everyone to wonder about gender but obsessing over it and being anxious that you’re not really trans is not a thing cis people do.” And reader, this described me to a T. Transmedicalism didn’t account for wanting to be trans, it only described hating being trans.

C) Given point (b) where I was pretty sure I was neither male nor female, I was thinking I might be nonbinary. Transmedicalism has nonbinary people, but they’re lower caste, suspected of lying (either that they’re on a stepping stone to being binary trans or that they’re not trans at all), or outright excluded and mocked. You know the one comic about the “real” binary trans man and the “transtrender” man with blue hair? Major riparino, my dude. That shit HURTED.

D) Transmedicalism didn’t really have a good way to account for post-transition trans people. They could discount pre-transition trans people who didn’t have dysphoria as not being really trans, but what about trans people who started out with dysphoria, had transitioned fully, and were no longer dysphoric? If the diagnostic criteria is only being dysphoric, then were those people no longer trans?

The two biggest reason I fell away from it was that it didn’t actually relieve any of my gender anxiety and I could see the harm it caused. It restricts resources (as cipher explained very thoroughly) and caused harm through that. It’s a framework full of policing, and you’re always worried about not being really trans, or pushing away other uncertain, anxious people.

[anachronistical-blog1]

「 ⊹ . ⋆ ┄─━✰ OUT OF THE BOX. ✧. ⋆ 」 

so i got tagged in this meme by the lovely @blackthumbed and i haven’t been on for a few days but now that i’m here i’m finally doing it. amazing 

post TEN characters you’d like to roleplay as, have roleplayed as, and might bring back, then tag ten people to do the same.  ( If you can’t think of ten characters, just write down however many you can. )

PLEASE REPOST INSTEAD OF REBLOGGING.

CURRENTLY PLAYING:

just the doc !!

HAVE PLAYED:

hans westergaard ( frozen ) -- terrible boy. i had way too many urls as him, i think it was impxrium then tredeciim then treasonously ?? that last one was a good url man 

jim moriarty ( sherlock ) -- MY BOY. i had too many urls as him too, i was araiignee and spiiderisms mostly though i think 

party poison ( the true lives of the fabulous killjoys ) -- NA NA NA !! i love this character so much sks;ljsjk;l. and not just the part where i get to icon gerard way. anyway i was neverdiies and slaughtermatique

the beast ( over the garden wall ) -- this was super fun tbh. i was laantern and nightvoiced !! 

bill cipher ( gravity falls ) -- look. i just love me some eldritch entities okay. anyway bill was AMAZINGLY fun to write and i had multiple urls as him but i was triangulationings mostly 

dark side rey ( star wars ) -- i briefly wrote grey jedi rey at bettercause and that was a Time. she was good but the fandom sucked 

loki ( mcu ) -- wrote him briefly but i wasn’t very good at it i think. i don’t even remember my url bc it was forever ago rip me 

peggy carter ( mcu ) -- this was SUPER brief and i don’t even remember my url for it either but i liked her a lot 

freddie lounds ( nbc hannibal ) -- she was TERRIBLE i loved her. i think my url was phoeniixes ?? idk. can’t remember. i miss her tho

matt murdock ( netflix daredevil ) -- i was triialbyfire !! i can’t believe i almost forgot my awful son. i want to bring him back but like season one matt because like ?? season two ?? don’t know her

WOULD LIKE TO BRING BACK:

okay i probably don’t have a full ten for this list bc i was already running out of muses coming up with those ten but 

JIM DEFINITELY JIM 

PARTY POISON

bill or the beast one of my eldritch abominations 

freddie

matt 

maybe hans if the fandom sucked less 

WOULD LIKE TO PLAY:

i’d like to really, actually write for peggy bc i never rly started her and i lov her

gwen stacy -- MY PETTY DAUGHTER. i’d die for gwen “leave him on read” stacy tasm didn’t do her justice at all

dr. horrible -- look i’d die for dhsab any day i need to convince sunny to make a matching penny blog

i’d actually love to try my hand at the twelfth doctor someday ?? or one of the classic doctors once i get done with more of the classic show 

erik lehnsherr -- i always wanted to write him but i never had the guts because magneto ( who was right ) is such an iconic character

diana prince -- my childhood idol. like her and steve trevor were my First Ship i watched the old lynda carter show and i love wonder woman so MUCH 

i’d love to write one of my doctor who ocs but they’re from an rpg and unfortunately wouldn’t make much sense outside of the context of said rpg so. doesn’t work. but i’ll still ramble on about them into eternity like don’t even test me

yondu udonta -- JUST !! LET ME WRITE BLUE SPACE DAD !! 

while we’re on the topic of gotg i would also love to write peter quill but there are already so many good ones ;; 

just more ocs in general bc i’m always worried about how they’ll be received but i want to try sometime

TAGGED BY:  @blackthumbed TAGGING: @bitebox @atllaw @solehero @facedthercven @reprogramer @rosemancing @sepulchrebound @impcssiblehero @chipconnoisseur @cswins @cendrilliion ( also i know this was eleven people but fuck your rules )