#pleases me to finally post one of my razwrimo fics lol

[razrogue]

thanks to you (Astarion & Tav)

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Summary: A simple visit to a vendor sparked something bigger than he could have ever expected…

Astarion couldn’t recall as a spawn or from his previous life, having anyone on his side that looked after him. Took care of him. Believed in him when others doubted. Gan had been honest about what they wanted even when he hadn’t been so forthright. Even when he was set in his old instinctive ways and trying to keep up his mask, they just chipped away at it at every turn. Many nights they'd walk off from camp, talking about whatever. It was superficial at first, he played the cards he knew. Smile, flirt, seduce, manipulate, it was all familiar for him. Over time though, his usual tactics began failing him. The fractures continued and the facade began to fall away. Then they reached Moonrise and it all seemed like it was ready to come down at last.

She’d introduced herself as Araj Oblodra, trader in the sanguineous arts. A bit over the top he thought to himself but nothing wrong with a little flair. As she chatted away with Gan, he’d noticed her eyes kept darting over to him while they talked stock and potions. Gan noticed it too and finally asked what was her deal.

“You haven't stopped looking at my companion since we walked up,” Gan replied, mildly annoyed.  The trader finally spoke up about her sideways glances.

“Perhaps we could discuss your friend. He’s a vampire, no? A spawn perhaps?”

Astarion swiftly threw up his hands innocuously, "Oh don't worry, we're all friends under the Absolute. I won’t bite."

“Oh but I’d prefer if you did. I assume he belongs to you, no?”

Gan glimpsed over at Astarion before answering, barely masking their disdain, “...he’s his own person.”

Araj clapped as if she'd been told a cute joke, “How utterly adorable. You actually let him believe that.”

The audacity of this lady knew no bounds. Gan sensed Gale moving a little closer to them, ready to diffuse if things got a little heated. She proceeded to address him, “do you have a name, spawn?”

“Astarion, b-bb-but wait…”  He leaned back. The tension was becoming thick and unnerving, he should have just walked away.

“Good. Now Astarion, I’ve dreamt of being bitten by a vampire since I was a young girl.”

"I’m sorry, what? You want to be bitten?? Actually bitten???" In most situations, people were afraid of that happening and here she was lusting for it.

“To feel your life’s blood slipping away? To dance on the edge between life and death?” The drow closed her eyes as she uttered a barely perceptible moan.

“Yes, I want it. Your efforts won’t go in vain. I can provide you with a potion of legendary power.” Araj crossed her arms as if she was putting up her best and final bartering offer.

“It’s not for sale. I will only part with it if you bite me.”

His response was prompt, though not the one she wanted, "I will have to decline."

“Excuse me?? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you’re squandering it.”

His tadpole reached out for Gan’s, teasing at the edges of their mind, the sensation quickly building from uneasy to disgusted.

"I gave you my answer," he huffed with finality.

Astarion watched as the vendor ignored him and continued prodding Gan to make him comply with her request. As the minutes passed, a sinking feeling began weighing on him. He was sure he'd just have to work his way through it for all of their sake. Having traveled with Gan for many weeks now, knowing that they hardly ever hesitated when it came to their own wants and needs, he didn't expect what unfolded in that moment. Gan tilted their head at Araj, listening to the drow sulk about Astarion not fulfilling her wish, speaking about him as if he was a thing for her to play with. Astarion had said no. Gan had backed him up. The vendor had ignored them both. He watched as Gan began closing the distance between them. Araj, still prattling on, was oblivious to the small rogue's motions as she approached. He watched in shock as Araj abruptly quieted, eyes widening a bit in terror as she stared at the hooded elf. The drow slowly stepped back and crashed into the table behind her. Bottles and flasks tumbled over and she took the moment to turn around and attend to the mess. Astarion quickly composed himself before Gan turned around to the party and motioned for them to depart. 

Leaving the tower, they had a small trek to get back to Last Light Inn. It gave him time to ponder what had happened and why it'd affected him so much. Almost any other time, he would just check out but he didn't. When he was about to slip back into that darkness, they'd kept him out. Astarion wasn't exactly sure why it touched him in such a way. They didn't really do anything amazing. Not like he’d been swept off his feet. No grand gesture or anything. No sweeping declarations of love which the thought of made him queasy to be honest. They just stood up for him. Didn't walk away when he'd needed them most. And he thought to himself they had a habit of doing that. Whether it was someone by his side, a bandage for his wounds, dining together , or just a good laugh, they'd been there. It was all quite frustrating honestly. No one helped worms like him. Not when there was gold to be had and least of all when they gained nothing in return. Even though their first meeting was by dagger, Gan didn't hold it against him. And after they'd told him it might be useful to have a vampire by their side, he always knew where he stood with them.

All these thoughts racing through his mind, he found it hard to settle once they were back at the inn. Shadowheart and Gale were perched on stools while Gan played bartender and topped everyone off. Astarion sat over by himself, nursing his wine goblet. Why was he feeling this way? What was this? He knew he wouldn’t be able to rest until he’d given them a piece of his mind. He quickly knocked back the goblet and strode towards the bar, determined to get this off his chest and out of his mind so he could think clearly again.

Astarion sidled up next to Gale, faking interest in whatever the three of them were chatting about. When he saw an opening, he nodded, hoping they’d picked up his signal. Still engaged, he saw their eyes quickly dart towards the side door, not missing a beat in their discussion with Shadowheart. He remained for a little bit longer, teasing Gale and debating Shadowheart until he was able to slip away during a natural lull in their discussion.

He headed towards the small cliff just outside the inn by the lake. It was just outside of Isobel’s protection but the fairy’s blessing still illuminated him so he felt safe enough anyway. Astarion didn’t know how much time had passed but between his thoughts and the gentle lapping of the water, he didn’t notice that Gan had finally joined him.

They stood closely beside him, peering out across the water into the vast darkness in silence. The two of them continued to stand there, hands almost grazing, until Astarion couldn't stand it anymore.

"I think we need to talk."

He'd turned to face them, ready to get this bit of unpleasantness over with. He'd say what he had to say, listen to them laugh him off, then all of this could be behind them.

Astarion was gearing up to deflect their response because surely this was going to be a disaster but he wouldn't let them see him suffer. He wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

Gan turned to face him, sliding their cape hood down, freeing their coppery red coils from their hooded confinement. Astarion gasped quietly to himself. This was going to be tougher than he thought and he was wishing he'd drowned the thoughts out with wine so he didn't have to deal with this. They looked up at him and for a quick second he lost himself in their brown depths, until their voice finally broke through the fog.

"Are you all right?"

He didn't expect this to be easy but hearing them ask about his well being was just another crack among the others in his crumbling facade. It wasn't like they'd never asked him before but maybe with the state he was in, this moment felt like a little more than those times. They weren't fresh out of a battle, everyone looking over themselves to make sure no one was injured seriously. This was close and intimate and Astarion decided he better finish quickly.

"What? Oh yes, I think." 

He closed his eyes briefly. The scrutiny was too much even though all the pressure was from his own imagination. With a quick breath, he continued.

"I just wanted to thank you."

Gan stood quietly for a minute before finally asking, "thank me for…?"

He swallowed over the building knot in his throat.

"When we were in the tower…" Astarion paused, "...that vile drow." Her insistence turned demand, how she disregarded his response then his presence carried shades of things he didn’t like remembering and could never forget. As they all stood there, the moment growing tense, Astarion was moments away from just saying it was fine. He'd just suffer through it like he always did.

"I spent two hundred years using my body to lure pretty things back for my master." Nights in taverns plying fools with alcohol, lacing every honeyed word, sinking hooks into them until they'd found themselves back in the palace, unceremoniously dumped as food for his master.

"I was a slave. My wants didn't matter. I was there to do his bidding. That was my worth." When you have something repeatedly instilled into you, being told you're unworthy, your value is less than the dirt you walked upon, it becomes a persistent thought in your mind. The bravado was all an act. An act that he played well. He knew his place and his role as a plaything for others. Then a late night in an alley in Baldur's Gate changed everything. 

The nerves were getting to him. He fussed with a loose thread on his sleeve, trying to settle them so he could just get through this unfortunate chat.

"You could have asked the same of me. Throw myself at her and get whatever she was offering us. It was probably going to be useful! And we need all the tools we can get..."

Astarion threw his head back. Gods, he just wanted to walk away and drown the rest of his thoughts in the poor excuses for wine inside the inn. He'd go hunting but shadow cursed lands aren't fertile grounds for food. 

"Look, you didn't ask me to do something I didn't want to do. And I'm grateful."

Gan, listened and watched as he went through a battery of emotions, before they finally spoke up again.

"I didn't really do anything. You make your own choices now, Astarion."

That one little statement spoken and his knees felt like they'd buckle beneath him. He was making his own choices. There was no master out here since he walked away from the nautiloid crash. No one compelling him to act and behave however they wanted. It was all him now. These were his decisions to make, for better or for worse.

"This is a novel concept, I must admit. And a little intimidating." He turned back to the water, swallowing his discomfort. They'd given him something to ponder without realizing it. Were these feelings he thought he had really about them? Was this about Gan and him coming to terms with something they may have? Or could this be about the newfound freedom he found himself thrust into? A freedom he was trying to understand because centuries had been spent without it. When you're under an overbearing presence that rules your life and it's suddenly snatched away, how do you navigate without it? How do you move about when that domineering hold is all you know?

Astarion cleared his throat. "Yes well…thank you…truly." 

Gan stood there quietly for a few moments more before finally turning to leave, "You're welcome."

With a quick pat on his back, they set back off towards the building. Before they'd gotten too far, they called back to him, "Astarion?" He turned towards them with a solemn look. 

Gan remarked with a sly smirk, "no one tells my personal attack vampire what to do but me." And with that, Gan walked off, leaving a chuckling Astarion to his thoughts.