#pps do not worry i still can-and will-sexualize that old man

[weirdgirlsparrow]

Glenn: heh aren't you glad i'm alive again?🤘👻i can chill with my son🔥🌭,hang with my wife💋🎸, and get a free pass to heaven🕊️😈

me,hiding a diary full of sexy demon fan art under the couch: of course i'm happy,

[zirkery]

1. What’s the dirtiest thought you’ve ever had? Having sex in a public bathroom

2. Of the people in this room, who do you most want to make out with? Not a single person

3. What’s the first thing you’d do if you woke up one day and you were the opposite sex? Poke it

4. What sexual activity do you consider totally off limits? Putting a finger, or licking near my butt, unless it’s like a pp maybe

5. Of the people in this room, who do you consider the sluttiest? Depending on who, but right now me

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing your parents have caught you doing? Watching girl kissing videos

7. What’s the biggest romantic fail you’ve ever experienced? Noppitdy nope

8. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done when you were alone? Watch porn for the plot of it.. literally just the plot

9. Of the people in this room, who would you feel most comfortable with naked? Nobody

10. What’s the biggest secret you’ve ever kept from your parents? That I am a pure and innocent soul

11. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told without getting caught? That I want to marry them

12. Of the people in this room, who do you most want to switch lives with and why? MY DOG, SHE'S SO CAREFREE AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ADULTING

13. What do you like most and least about your own appearance? Most? My eyes. Least would be my smile, nose, and body shape/weight

14. What do you like most and least about your personality? Most)I can be pretty caring and I try my best for others. Least) I'm an emotional mess

15. If you could erase one past experience, what would it be? Having that discussion with my ex

16. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to attract a crush? Dress like a whore

17. When’s the last time you were flat-out rejected and how did you handle it? I was talking to one of my really close friends, and I came out with how I liked him, and he flat out told me it won't work

18. What’s your biggest sexual fear? Uh, my pudge being there, and out, and seen

19. Of the people in this room, who do you disagree with most frequently? Me

20. What’s your favorite go-to move for getting attention from the opposite sex? Nothing, I just joke around and catch feelings, THAN I joke more because I want them to like me back

21. What would you change about your life if you could? Not to sure how to answer this, but some things

22. What’s the most flirtatious thing you’ve ever done? Flirt with a taken man

23. If you could make one wish right this second, what would it be? To be what I dreamt of looking like when I was young

24. At what age did you first start having sexy thoughts and what prompted them? 12? My cousin talked about lesbians and I looked up a video, and ever since I just kinda had them

25. What three adjectives best describe your vagina/penis? Clean, doesn't contain diseases, and mine

26. What does the perfect male/female body look like (from head to toe and everything in between) in your opinion? Idk

27. How many people can someone sleep with before you secretly judge them for their “number”? 25?

28. What’s the one thing you’d do in bed with someone if you had no inhibitions whatsoever? Chill out, draw, talk, play games

29. What’s sexual milestone has been most memorable for you so far? Being a cam girl

30. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done in front of the mirror? Look at my butt

31. At what age did you first inspect your private parts and how did you feel about them? 12 I think again, and I felt like I would get preggo everytime I accidently touched it

32. What would you guess your parents’ favorite sexual position is, and why? My fathers wouldn't even be a position, just be oral.

33. What did you think about the first (or last) time you masturbated? "Damn, I wish that was me"

34. What’s the most surprising thing that’s ever turned you on? Audio breathing

35. What’s the grossest thing that’s come out of your body? Uh, tmi?

36. What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever done? Nothing?

37. What’s the most disturbing fantasy or dream you’ve ever had? Having sex in an abandoned cave, while it was dark and raining

38. What’s the most awkward experience you’ve had with a crush? Being told he liked me back and that he was blushing and when I asked him about it he told me that he didn't, and I had to try an ask him to still be friends a day after

39. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to someone? "Everyone has depression and you reminding me everyday  isn't going to make me think of you as special"

40. What’s the cruelest thing you’ve ever done to a friend? Choose the other persons side

41. What time of day do you feel most aroused and what do you usually do about it? In the mornings and sometimes at night

42. What’s the most childish thing you still do? Laugh at immature things that a 5th grader would laugh at

43. How do you really feel about anal sex? I've never done it, but I'm down for a try

44. What’s your favorite sex toy (hypothetically, or from experience)? Never used one

45. What’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever made in bed? Sexually? Nothing. Everyday kinda thing? Sleep the wrong way

46. How old were you when your parents sat you down for “the talk” and what did they say (or not say) about “the birds and the bees”? Never had the talk, that I know of

47. What’s the biggest dating disappointment you’ve experienced so far? Having the thoughts of debating to message the person or not because you don't know if you would be disturbing them too much or not

48. Do you ever catch yourself thinking about doing it with someone of the same sex? Certain times, but mostly when brought up

49. What’s the most number of times you’ve ever masturbated within one week? 10? Possibly

50. How far would you go to land the guy or girl of your dreams? I wouldn't. I'm a pussy and I'm scared of everything LAMSDKM

[sadkittyworld]

NS_ Wk 2

Id, Ego and Super-Ego

In the original story, we see the events of the story through Gabriel Utterson’s POV (so far). I don’t think that he is the protagonist of the story even though we see through his eyes.

In chapter 2 we are introduced to 2 new characters, Poole (Jekyll’s Loyal servant) and Dr. Hastie Lanyon (old friend of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Utterson).

Utterson starts to suspect that Hyde is Jekyll’s Gay lover or his illegitimate child. Utterson is haunted by Hyde because he doesn’t know how he looks like.

Utterson’s doubts clear when he finally meets Hyde. Like the other witnesses, he also finds Hyde indescribably loathsome. This feeling is slightly understood when Utterson and Hyde have a conversation.

Utterson visits Jekyll but he’s not home, at this he is relieved.

Utterson looks back at the time when they were young. He states that Jekyll was ‘wild when he was young’: and thinks that Hyde is ‘the ghost of some old sin, the cancer of some concealed disgrace’ returning to ruin him.

He worries that time is running out for ‘poor Harry Jekyll’.

Utterson thinks of his own past. ‘groping in all corners of memory, lest by chance some Jack in the Box of an old iniquity should leap to light there’ (Stevenson, 1979, p.42)

Stevenson, R.L. (1979) Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde and Other Stories. London: Penguin Classics. Reprint, 1999.

Iniquity - wrongdoing, misdeed, sin, immoral behaviour.

Utterson is a character who represents the theme of ‘Repression’. He represses his natural instincts.

Utterson becomes obsessed with Hyde as the story progresses.

In most adaptations Hyde is shown as a hideous monstrous creature. In my version Hyde is too pretty to hate. He has almost everyone tied around his finger. The other character’s in the story are bewitched by his appearance, both men and women alike. This situation causes my Hyde to want to punish those men who pursue him. This leads to the killing of Danvers Carew in my story though he will be named differently to the original.

In the original text we are shown Hyde as:

‘a kind of black sneering coolness - frightened too’ (Stevenson, 1979, p.32)

‘He must be deformed somewhere; he gives a strong feeling of deformity’ (Stevenson, 1979, p.34)

‘an odd light footstep’

‘He was small and plainly dressed’

‘extraordinary quickness’

‘he spoke with a husky, whispering and somewhat broken voice’  (Stevenson, 1979, pp.38-40).

- pale and dwarfish

We know that Hyde and Jekyll are the same person. In my version They are 2 souls in 1 body. The effect of the drug makes the Hyde character able to shape-shift to anyone at will as long as he can picture the appearance in his mind.

If you look at the story carefully it’s not Hyde who is bad but Jekyll who created Hyde in the first place to do bad and get away with.

‘Henry Jekyll [...] is nobody’s hero... He represents the ‘cry of Victorian man from the depths of his self-imposed underground’ (Saposnik, 1971).

Saposnik, I. (1971) The Anatomy of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in English Literature. 1500-1900. Vol.11 No.4, Nineteenth Century, pp.715-731.

In the final chapter we learn that Jekyll cannot reconcile ‘an impatient gaiety of disposition’* with his ‘imperious desire to carry [his] head high’ (Stevenson, 1979, p.81).

He wants to appear better than everyone else.

* ‘loose’ morals

‘Victorian man was haunted constantly by an inescapable sense of division. As rational and sensual being, as public and private man, as civilised and bestial creature, he found himself necessarily an actor, playing only that part of himself suitable to the occasion’ (Saposnik, 1971).

Though many views and attitudes have changed over the years since the Victorian Era, there are still many rules and restriction, old and new, that make people continue the dual or even multiple lifestyle depending on the situation they are in.

Our societies are built around Social Emotion. The way people of the 19th Century saw emotion was very different to the way we see it today. There were different categories of emotion, e.g. ‘appetites’ relating to ‘base’ desire (such as ‘lust’) and ‘sentiments’ which were seen as voluntary & associated with moral behaviour.

When the word ‘emotion’ was used, it was related to movement, or disturbance, usually of a riotous political nature.

We carry some of this meaning into English today: ‘emotional’ people are seen as ‘out of control’, less rational.

According to Hewitt (2017) language ‘offers the clearest view of how cultural attitudes shape our personal experiences of feeling’.

As Hewitt notes, English is full of words relating to embarrassment, including: Discomfiture Awkwardness Mortification Humility Uneasiness Self-consciousness Shame

They reflect the importance to English culture of ‘propriety, decorum, politeness and respectability’ (Hewitt, 2017). 

‘Emotion is… produced at the intersection between each person and the culture they inhabit’ (Hewitt, 2017).

‘I never saw a circle of such hateful faces.’ (Story of the Door)

In the novella, the Victorian gentlemen and ladies think they have civilised themselves out of feeling ‘base’ emotions. But Enfield & the others want to kill Hyde just because he injured the child.

Wanting to KILL because he INJURED, is too much. It is definitely not right.

It’s like those self-proclaiming righteous people we see on the Internet. They think they are doing the world a favour but they could be hurting the other person they are persecuting through words. This favour you are doing could well end up being a double-edged sword that will comeback to hurt or ruin you.

Sublimation: diverting a ‘base’ sexual or biological urge into something more socially acceptable.

‘Killing being out of the question, we… should make his name stink from one end of London to the other’.

Shaming is a substitute for what they want to do – which is murder Mr. Hyde.

In 1923 Sigmund Freud identified the so called ‘psychic apparatus’ of the mind.

Id - instincts.  (‘Es’): ‘Primitive, unorganised, emotional: “the realm of the illogical”’ (Storr, 1989, p. 60). Governed by the ‘pleasure principle’. Represents the unconscious.

Ego - Reality. (‘ich’) = represents the conscious mind & the ‘reality principle’. Able to defer gratification. ‘Mature’ and ‘reasonable’. ‘Acts as an intermediary between the id and the external world’ (Storr, 1989, p. 62).

Superego - Morality. (‘Uber-ich’): our internalisation of cultural rules (how we ought to behave). Usually works in opposition to the id.

Hyde represents the Id but also display ‘ego’ as he acts in order to prevent his capture. 

Jekyll represents the superego but also displays the ego and and the id, I think because it was his idea to create Hyde which came from his inner desire to do bad without being affected by it’s consequences.

We see Utterson as the character of Superego occasionally showing ego.

Freud was inspired by Dr. Charcot of Paris, who treated women diagnosed with Hysteria using Hypnosis. Freud also started a psychiatric clinic the year Stevenson released his novella in 1886. He started the clinic using Hypnosis but later moved on to a new method he invented with his friend Josef Breuer. This method was a ‘talking cure’ called ‘psychoanalysis’. 

Psychoanalysis aims to bring out the unconscious (i.e. hidden) desires and memories through ‘free association’ and analysis of dreams. This technique seems to be used by the police nowadays to find out about the criminals and understand their reasons for their crime.

Freud theorised that repression of desires (especially as a child) could lead to ‘fixations’ (obsessions) in later life.

‘Free association’ - the totally free, uncensored expression of thoughts and ideas.

If a patient could recall (out loud) the first instance they experienced a troubling symptom... the symptom would then disappear.

Freud’s idea originated from a German writer.

Art is sublimation according to Freud. He believed that artists and writers had a special skill for sublimation. I agree with his theory in many way. I suppose as an artist myself I tend to draw/ sketch or paint etc... to let out my fixations, my parents say that my drawing seem to reflect on how I am feeling. They can’t seem to figure out much when they look at me, but when they look at my work they say that it looks sad, happy, angry, frustrated etc...

Stevenson was definitely obsessed with the ideology of ‘double life’.

R.L.S’ inspiration for Jekyll/Hyde came from the gentleman William ‘Deacon’ Brodie (1741-1788). During the day, Brodie was a cabinetmaker and the town councillor but at night he was a burglar. Brodie frequented the taverns of Edinburgh’s disreputable Fleshmarket Close. He had two mistresses and five illegitimate children to support. Huge crowds came to watch him get hanged for his crime of theft in Edinburgh’s Lawnmarket on 1st October 1788.

Stevenson’s childhood room contained a cabinet designed by Brodie himself.

Stevenson was fascinated by Brodie.

Before his hit novella about Jekyll and Hyde he co-wrote a play about Brodie in 1878.

The fact that Stevenson dreamt this story is even more significant from a Freudian perspective.

In 1888, in A Chapter on Dreams (Linehan, 2003, pp. 87–91) Stevenson wrote about the ‘Brownie’ like spirits (the ‘Little People’) who brought him his stories while he slept.

‘The dream is a fulfilled wish’ (Freud, 1920).

In The Interpretation of Dreams, written in 1899, Freud, described dreams as ‘the royal road to the unconscious’.

Freudian Dream Psychology:

Freud divided dreams into: manifest content (the remembered details of the dream) latent content (true meaning of the dream).

Dream-work:

Freud’s description for the mental processes by which (potentially disturbing and therefore repressed) desires are made acceptable to the conscious mind – by being disguised as (often bizarre) manifest content.

In Dream Psychology (1920) Freud wrote about the curious category of ‘those dreams which have never been dreamed’ – by which he meant dreams in fiction.

‘During the 20th century, psychoanalysis had a major effect upon both art and literature. Freud’s concept of the unconscious, his use of free association, and his rediscovery of the importance of dreams encouraged painters, sculptors, and writers to experiment with… the irrational, to pay serious attention to their inner worlds of dream and day-dream…’ (Storr, 1989, pp. 90–91).

Storr, A. (1989) Freud: A Very Short Introduction. Oxford: Oxford University Press. Reprint, 2001.

Free association is widely used in creative writing practice.

[unsubstantiatedopinion]

Thinking about when I got my IUD. On the information trail of something else, saw a Quiz on a teen health site of which birth control is for you.

I had to work to get the answer I actually Use. Mind, the major change was "I am willing to go to a doc" and then it followed with the legit "I'm cool w my period getting heavier".

Mine started, and has settled back into being fairly light flow, long lasting, and like one day of cramps that are pretty easily managed.

But this quiz when I answers everything else,(thr first time, no clinic) offered me the Sponge on my list. Like yeah yeah condoms at the top of the list.

In 2016 on campus they were stocking both in the dorm bathrooms, external were more popular by a lot. But if you looked up success rates on Planned Parenthood, external had a higher efficacy rating. I figured that it was probably user error, but like, What? Then at a student health fair, I did ask the people at a sexual health table if they knew this, and if they knew why and they didn't. Though they also thought it was probably a familiarity w the device thing.

My sex Ed classes in 8th grade and HS did have us learn how to put a condom on a penis. (My 8th grade was taught by a lesbian and some outside person was brought in for part as well, but we did learn how to make a dam out of a condom as well. Didn't realize that was unusual knowledge.)

On the one hand, the external condom is the one birth control where the expectation is on the man to be dealing with it. And it has the wonderful qualities of being a in the moment sort of thing, very sweeping passionate much flirty. (And while *I* have never successfully done a seductive foreplay with a condom, there's some solid visual potential there.) And it is effective, one of the few things that is both birth control and STI control.

All that is wonderful.

The internal condom, by contrast, is a newer thing. So it hasn't come into the visual lexicon of "seeing this in the bedroom is normal". And tbh, popping it into place is harder to make into a teasing sensous thing. But i think there's more to it than that.

Unlike the other internal birth control methods. Even than the ring or what are some of those retro ones, sponge or diagphram. Once they are in place, they aren't Seen.

Most of the objects that are placed internally have a reputation of being for wives. Partially bc they are less effective(and the stakes of a pregnancy for a married woman are lower.) partially I think bc they are seen to 'break the mood', which you can get away with when you've seen intimately into the other's life, but when you are still in the dating sexy mystique phase culturally you aren't 'supposed to" do.

Which is also Bad.

If you do not feel like you could say to the other person, hey, can we pause or stop this? Don't fuck them.

But the modern methods of birth control, are mainly chemical (and not good vs STI) but their burden is entirely in the woman. Financially, emotionally, physically.

The optimistic version is that, this is women taking control of their bodies and lives.

But, 1. At what cost? And

2. So invisibly.

The unpopularity of the internal condom to me seems like a stroking of a man's ego. And falling into old hetero scripts.

Which is why I am using man and woman mainly here. Lesbians have less use for condoms generally (toys are washable, and gloves are better for hands). The accessabiltiy and flexibility of external condoms, makes them prefered for gay men. Sure the inner ring of an internal condom can be removed for anal sex, butt that is only one of many sex acts avalible to men outside of fanfiction.

But the Straight(tm) script has man pursue woman be innocent. And if she's not innocent, play innocent; otherwise this isn't a date on the good girls path to wedding. Basically if the woman is shown to be experienced it is mark against her, or specifically for the man's enjoyment. (See history of sex work, succubi as a concept, kink, and/or MILFs).

The pill, and even nexplenon or and IUD, are hidden. Sure they are pre-planned taking ones own reigns, but they aren't visible where the action is. (And the pill is way more popular anyhow, and has plausible deniability-its not cause I'm a slut it's for my cramps. Which is a legit use, but is not the Only reason it should be allowed). They also have that 'ready and avalible at any time' quality. Which, could be - unkindly- seen as making The Sex ready for the picking at any time.

By contrast, the internal condom can be a statment, it's a statment that at some point the woman said to herself, "I plan on getting Laid tonight". Probably when getting dressed and choosing a matching set of underwear. But unlike coordinated sets, its something that really is for her, and her protection. (Yes it's possible she is carrying an infection and doesn't want to pass it along.)

It's incredibly loud and enthusiastic consent.

Which, is not the Straight(tm) prefered narritive.

Obviously, it is the Best version of events. But consent is a whole other post.

The main reason I don't go for it myself, besides Covid, is the they are harder to find, more expensive and so it feels more like a waste of money if you don't fuck. And I haven't gone on many dinner dates that might lead to a rendezvous. And wouldn't want that nagging push. (on the other hand, totally see how this pressure is bad on men in Straight(tm) narritive. There lots of transaction happening in any relationship and we really don't think actively enough about it's influence as a culture).

In personal experience, the #1 reason I didn't want hormonal birth control was lack of research on its physical effects beyond not getting knocked up. The "it's not unusual for this to increase depression but also we are just now half a century later actually looking into this". Plus personally the arm stick was a bad fit with my dislike of needles and my need to pick at things. And there was no time of day in college where I would be able to reliably choose to take a pill. Probably 11am but then I'd need to remember to pack it with me and just, I wasn't here for that life.

Which is where we get to the IUD.

The scene, 2016. The context, I had had a condom break (intercrural, which I STRONGLY recommend) but it freaked the fellow out a bit. (He did not suggest an iud, and tbh I don't think I involved him in the decision at all. ) The other context was the 2016 election. And frankly, the Fear that was being drummed up. Not unwarranted, but, there was a spike in IUDs at that time bc people were worried about loosing access to other forms of birth control. And I doubt I was alone in worrying about loosing options in the event of a rape.

I am against abortion as a method of bieth control. But I think the way to not have abortions, is prevention. Abortions that remove a dead fetus or a dieing fetus that are protecting the mother, aren't birth control, that's sepsis management and tragic. Abortions that are only for the girl babies, are birth control and tbh the way to cut down on that animation is cultural change. It's my opinion that if a woman is going in for an abortion, something has Failed Her.

But, I was at a point where my getting pregnant would be really bad. My mental health was in a sketchy place. I was in school. And frankly not terribly employable since a science degree at a bachelor's is still all grunt work.

I looked into what options were avalible. I researched. My mother had, at some point offered to assist in getting a prescription for the pill, framed in the cramps story. Which for my sister IS why she's on it. I lucked out on not having a Catastrophe of a uterus. (Hyperbole but still).

I remember the process of going in.

I remember being Angry that in the pre-appoinment I was told that the policy was you need to get a pregnancy test up to like 2 days before or so. And I set it up so that I have a block to squeeze in this extra appointment on like the day before. I look up what to do before hand, PP recommend taking a painkiller before showing up so it has time to kick in.

I do all the steps. I go in alone. For myself, I don't want non-experts besides me involved. These are things between me, a doctor, and god and/or my/a/my understanding of amoral system.

The secretary was friendly and like, yeah Doc is doing a lot of these. Reassuring. They didn't give me any preprocedure instructions besides this test (and it was also a STI test I don't remember if that was required or I was like heck if I'm here might as well).

But the appointment happens and three plot twists. 1. They've got a better painkiller and would have preferred I hadn't taken an over the counter before. But it all worked out. And frankly the insertion was absolutely fine. Like yeah little pinch but as u recall it it was more like if you pinched a like big chunk of thigh than like finger in a door.

2. There was a med student/intern/person. I was asked if she could be in the room. Not shocking, University hospital is a teaching hospital and I'm totally chill with being a model. She seemed uncomfortable, wanted to go into pediatrics so not really relevant to her I think. Nothing hands on.

3. The thing that made me mad was that I had to take an additional pregnancy test before she would do the procedure. I took the previous test when the intake had suggested. At the same hospital. So it's all their records. And I hadn't had sex in the interim and even if I had, nothing would have had time to implant. Plus, while I recognize that technically IUD can in a few cases be an aborting procedure, by getting a copper iud, I was saying I plan on not having kids for up to the next 10 years. Thinking back on it, maaaaaayyyyybe maybe a test might have seen a pregnancy that might have been floating around to go etopic and all. But no, this felt controlling and paternalistic.

I didn't have a strategy for dealing with it. For demanding and asserting that I just did this. I did say it once, but that wasn't listened to.

And I know that this isn't an unusual or even particularly egregious example. But still.

After was lots of bleeding. I think I basically bled in some capacity for a month or two. Was on painkillers for long enough that i did get some like stomach pain or maybe just worried docs I don't remember except being told to switch to acetominiphine which I don't think works as well for me but resolved whatever the issue was. And I'm a pads person and did get a bit chapped.

After that resolved. I did have one terrifying Surprise Heavy period like a few months later. I bled through a pad. There was crying in the CVS bc there wasn't a absorbtion conversion between tampons and pads and this was all new and scary.

The next month leveled out. Though things were still heavier than pre-iud or now. But not terrible. And I've seen worse. I couldnt use my mom's strategy of the diva cup, which she got on early I think bc it's Wonderful for HEAVY flow. But between never having had success w a tampon and the potential suction removing the thing and ripping out an IUD. Not worth it.

But for the most part it settled out.

But I still think about it.

The good thing was the RELIEF of the Safety of not having to worry about ending up pregnant. Sure STIs are a risk. But back-alley or date rape transference is likely either way and at least I only have to deal with one issue instead if the moralized one. And in chosen partners, frankly they were either rather virginal. Or Defs gonna use a condom. Like, the bf in the IUD times, we still used a condom each time. (I don't know that he's done it, but he had also apperently been planning on getting a vasectomy asap, since like highschool.) The 'i never want kids' was one of the reasons we stopped dating. There were a few other reasons but like they all boiled down to 'want differnt things from the Future' which is why we are friends still.

But things will come up, and I'll remember, I've got a chunk of copper in me.

That knowledge weighs in my consideration of sense of self, and self identity. It feels representative, and significant.

I don't check for the strings as often as I should, and I think they've mostly stayed out of the way.

But this is a significant thing to me.

And a thing that I keep to myself a lot.

But I do Want to talk about it, because it is so Significant.

[thebigcitynightsband]

Bus King/Busking/Night Moves

That’s a photo of me and my ex-gf. I just found it last week in my bag that Jamie brought to me from Burlington, thanks Jamie bro. Happier times, man. We’re still friends but we don’t see each other much. That’s a repeating pattern with me. Me and a gal will break up, declare an intention to stay friends, and then I be their friend while they work hard at vanishing from my life and into the arms of some dude who hates me cuz I’m still her friend. Happened with Jessica, happened with Courtney. Next time I’ll just do the sudden severance. Seems to work for other people.

Well, fuck. I’ve been struggling a little bit lately. Still sober, still pissing in a cup every day. My hours got cut at work for a few weeks but they’re back up to full-time next week, where they’ll remain until mid-December. I’m trying to save my apartment, need to find a roommate to take over the lease, which requires first and last, which I don’t have but I’m trying to acquire somehow.

A few days ago I went busking for the first time in about a year. Queen and University is my corner, northwest side. I like it there because you get a lot of 905ers coming out of Osgoode Station to go explore Queen West, people who don’t ordinarily see buskers, so they’re generous. I can only play for about three hours on an acoustic before my fingers start to hurt too much to play chords, and you average about six bucks an hour. I write a lot of songs that way. “Make It Mine” off the new album was written while busking last year and I came up with a few new ones the other day. It was a good day, actually. I woke up broke and without food and ended the day with a full belly and a pack of cigarettes and an Arizona Iced Tea. I felt content. So I’m gonna go back out there tomorrow. And probably the next day too.

My laptop died and I almost lost the record, but I was able to extract the files after a few days of feeling numb and worried. I really like our upcoming album, the songs have kept me good company over the past year, and the thought of losing the whole damn thing, save for “Fighting Ways” which is finished, and a handful of others, was a little scary. It’s not gone though. Sweet relief. BCN songs are like cockroaches. They find a way. Cue “Long Distance King” in your head as you read that last line...”we’ll find a waaaaay, we’ll fiiind a waaaaay.” Glory days. Before everything went to shit.

Hey, know what’s a great record? Break Up Break Down by Reigning Sound. Listen to the quavering, breathless delivery from Greg Cartwright on this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fWcZKZR3jg

Another great one off that record is called “Want You,” a really sad, pretty ballad. I’d like to make an album of Memphis ballads some day, in the vein of Break Up Break Down. We’ll call it Fuck Up Fuck Off or something.

I set up my keyboard tonight with a mind to do some overdubs tomorrow. I’ve been avoiding doing keyboard overdubs on the album forever because I’m a terrible keyboard player and it takes a really long time to get a single coherent take and I don’t have the patience that I used to. I finished “Night Needles” from A Steamroller Named Desire in a single evening, and that song has probably the most piano of any BCN song. I doubt I could do the same thing now. I’m older now and runnin against the wind, as Bob Seger would sing. Has sung, whatever. Running Against the Wind. I love that song. “Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then” is a great line eh? Legend has it Seger wanted to cut that line but the producer told him how great it was, which it is. Oftentimes artists can’t recognize their own greatness. Years ago, when I was sixteen or so, I was trying to put together a set of acoustic covers in my bedroom. I remember doing “Leave It Alone” by Moist, which is pretty embarrassing now, but also “Against the Wind” and an acoustic version of the Smashing Pumpkin’s “Ava Adore,” which I was surprised to find has a very similar chord progression as “Against the Wind.” I mean, those two songs sound nothing alike, yet they’re very alike, chord-wise.

ANYWAY I’m rambling. Just finished an assignment for a client (I do people’s homework for them as a side hustle. Forty bucks here, sixty bucks there, it all goes into the giant hole I dug for myself the past few years.) I owe money to one guy who actually chased me this past January, up near Dovercourt and Hallam. I had to jump a couple fences but I got away. He’ll get paid soon enough. They all do.

I’m working on it man. Pushing against the tide. Runnin against the wind.

One last thing about that Bob Seger song: I’ve always thought that part where he yells “let the cowboys ride!” at the end of the song was stupid. Why couldn’t he have taken that part out? It’s so obvious that he was out of ideas and just mustered up the best open field imagery he could in the moment. Let the cowboys ride? Given the greatness that comes before that line, I can’t dismiss the song, even if it’s not as good as the immortal “Night Moves.”

A quick word about “Night Moves” before I go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c I honestly think it’s one of the greatest all-time vocal performances. There are three distinct parts in the song that always give me shivers. The first is that irresistible “summertime summertime” part @ 2:19. The second comes in that great breakdown, when the title changes from a sexual innuendo to a somber, forlorn musing on the passage of time and how time can move slower when you’re bored, faster when you’re absorbed and excited. Ain’t it funny how the night moves...when you just don’t seem to haaaaaaaave as much to lo-o-se. It’s that “have” that always gets me...just the way Seger gives it the perfect amount of witsfulness and gravelly gravity. Fuckin killer. Singing is always a fine balance between technical proficiency and emotional delivery, but on that line Seger’s 99% heart, 1% technique, and it still sounds incredible. To me, at least.

The last part is in the final minor descending refrain @ 5:04, even though it’s just Bob doing a bunch of “ooooohooohoohhhs.” It wouldn’t be as good if that vocal came over the main riff, but it doesn’t. It comes over the same chord progression as the chorus, that sad lilting minor key descent. Every time, man. Every time.

I’ve been trying to cover “Night Moves” since 2007. I don’t think I’ve ever got past the first chorus. I just can’t sell it. Those aren’t my memories, they’re Bob Seger’s. I never existed in the 1950s America he’s singing about in the song, the America of taking your sweetheart to the drive-in, cruising the strip, going to diners and pushing coins into jukeboxes. That wasn’t my adolescence. So it’s a tough one to sing. You have to know when you’re beaten. That’s part of growing up.

I don’t talk to my Dad anymore. He hates my guts and so does his girlfriend. It doesn’t bother me except for when I hear certain songs...songs like “Night Moves” or “Walking On The Moon” by The Police...first time I ever heard my father sing on the way to Owen Sound for a hockey tournament I was playing...it was the chorus, that “no way, chasing your cares away” part, and we had sunflower seeds and that was the night I fell in love with highways and movement and travel and all that Kerouac stuff I’d get obsessed with later, all those fuckin notebooks I filled with eager scrawling about road trips I hadn’t yet taken. I lost all those notebooks somehow, can’t remember maybe I tossed them all on purpose, kind of a year zero event. Too much in those notebooks was lines from existing songs. I remember one time going through an old notebook and seeing “the sea is foaming like a bottle of beer” and thinking I’d written it...nope...it was a Weezer song. I’d just scrawled out that one line hammered one night, drunk at 17, back when it was actually exciting to get drunk and not a sad chore like it later became.

I’m going busking tomorrow. I might not be able to do “Night Moves” but I can bust out “Against the Wind.” I ain’t licked yet. It ain’t over. I’m older now and still runnin against the wind. Let the cowboys ride or whatever.

Edit, PS: That was a really dramatic fuckin post. I’m sorry. For some much-needed levity, here’s a picture of me from last week. Some friends visited while I was in bed, and I came out to say hello still holding my book.  PPS: Hey, know another great Bob Seger song? “Still the Same,” especially those ghostly backing vocals in the second verse. Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjDpKeiYxOU PPPS: Hey, know another song that has cool ghostly additional instrumental in the second verse? Bruce Springsteen’s “Downbound Train.” It’s not his greatest song and I don’t like Bruce’s overdone “blue collar accent,” the dumb slurring he likes to do in order to sound more like a mechanic making $20 000 a year, but that beautiful synth organ that comes in on the second verse is just heartwrenching, listen for it @ 0:49: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc_mv46NwT4 The organ has a pretty sweet solo for one-bar starting at 1:21. If I could get that organ tone, I wouldn’t put off doing keyboard overdubs, lemme tell ya son, I tell ya what.