#pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

another rant bcs im feeling useless

so in the last couple of days i feel like an utter shit. its not what you see on the outside, because i always manage to put on a happy face. its just that i feel  unimportant, insignificant like nobody will miss me if im gone. i know i always have this dark thoughts about suicide and self harm but i always tell myself that those things arent real. being depressed is not real, its just in my head. but at time i feel like its a huge burden on my shoulders, like i need to shed these feelings but i dont know how.

last night i met my friend and talk about life, love and stuffs. i dont know why im beim emotional then, but i just cried. but i also told her that at times i dont feel like important enough. like people dont want to know whats happening in my life. nt that i want them to know everything, its just that i dont feel like im an important person in their life so if im gonna tell them my stories i will always think that whats the point of telling them. they’ll just liisten and probably be iritated by it. why do they have to listen to my stories anyway. like they dont have any obligations to listen to what i do in my life. and in these times i feel like im all alone. seeing people talking to each others and i just feel like i have no one to talk to.

most of the times i would rant and complain online, twitter or instagram and if i cant take it anymore i would always write something on tumblr. i dont know f i have trust issues or i just dont appreciate the poeple around me. but ive never been hurt that badly to have trust issues and i do appreciate people, thats why i dont want them to listen to nonsensical things. its just that my problems arent even real, they’re just in my head so why bother telling other people.

i used to go to the psychologist every now and then but i havent seen one since i went to college. the worst thing is that i have to pay someone to listen to my problems when they arent even real problems in the first place. i might only be imagining everything but these days it feels so real. i used to tell everything to my mom, but these days i feel like she already has so much problems and liek she doesnt want to listen to me, i dont now anymore. im an only child and i dont have anyone to talk to, thanks tumblr for always be there when i need place to just hide away.

there’s always good days and bad days. outside my room i’ll always smile and laugh but then when im alone all the bad thought are flooding back. and they’re not even real ffs. its just me imagining things. i know i have bunch of close friends but i know they also have their own problems. its selfish of me to always vent to them because this isnt going anywhere anytime soon, i will probably talk about the same thigns over and over again for like 5 years or so. and why should they suffer and hear it over and over again.

tumblr has always been a place for me to just be myself, even on the dark days. people will thing im  too sensitive. well guess what, i am. and no, you telling me to just chill and stop being so negative and suddenly everything will be okay. the last thing i want to hear from people is to just suck it up and bear with it. well ive bear with this my whole life and its not going away anytime soon. 

i guess its just now tht im in that age where i hav to think about my future, what to do, hwo will i live my life and these stupid dark thoughts are bigger than ever. im an only child and my parents only have me so i cant fuck it up. im an only child and there will be no one to help me if my parents arent around anymore. next year im supposed to gradute from college and get a job and get married but im not even ready. i know im not supposed to make a big deal out of it, but there are days i just feel like giving up, be a bad kid and just leave and never come back.

emotions run high at night. im still doing my assignments. i read the book the lectutrer  told me to read. i talk to people. i eat. i do every normal things people do. but my soul feel like its giving up. like everything i do is automatic and my soul has nothing to do with anything. the scariest thought pop up when im alone. but i do that alone time every now and then, its just that sometimes there’s something bigger in my head that tells me to just quit. fuck it ll, and just leave. but then i remember my parents. im their only child and i cant just leave because there’s no one else. 

[pramuditsky]

but then i found him. in the middle of nothingness. and just like that, no plans, no thinking. i fell for him.

Pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

i don't know which one is scarier, the one who always leaves or the one who always comes back

pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

out of eveything that i've done to you, i know it hurts you. and im crazy, always will be. but please, can you stay? no matter how hard i push you away. its you, or nobody else

pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

sometimes i hate liking someone. i feel like i always like too much, feel too much, think too much. and after i'm done, you'll be left with nothing but a painful memory of how i treat you. because im that crazy girl who likes you too much in the morning but then hates you the most at night. im crazy like that.

Pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

i want someone to tell me: stop thinking, just love me

pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

i wish with everything i have, that i found you, someone to love with all my heart. but also that I, am someone you've been looking for all this time.

pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

i want someone to tell me they like me. all of me. my happy and sad times, my angry and boring times, my crazy and hyper times.  just like that, no hidden purpose. just us.

Pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

the hardest part of liking someone is not telling them about the truth. its the truth that i will somehow, out of nowhere, destroy the relationship we've built. and why you might ask? the answer is the same, i don't know.

pramuditsky

[pramuditsky]

maybe that't the problem when im with you, i think too much. everything has to be carefully thought, it has to be perfect. but then i wasn't happy, i was tired, exhausted. between actually falling in love and planning our time, i was too consumed about every details but i forgot the most imporant one.  to feel, to be happy, to fall in love, with you.

Pramuditsky