#pretty sure the line is supposed to be like hit it mac or smash it mac

[supersecretnerd]

Oh horrible Google Translations by beloved

[douxbebearchives]

Author Profile: IWrite4Olitz

Stories on FFN; tumblr: @iwrite4olitz​

Your name/nickname/alias: 

Lynn, iwrite4olitz

How long have you been writing? 

Is “forever” too vague? Since I could properly grip a pencil...

How long have you been writing Olitz?

Since July 10th, 2015.

What drew you to Olivia & Fitz? 

Their combustible chemistry. Is there any other reason?

Outside of Olitz, where do you get inspiration to write? 

Everywhere. Anywhere. But my favorite inspiration comes from music. If I get stuck, I read a book. ;)

How do you describe your style of writing? 

::hyperventilates:: I...don’t have one compact sentence to describe it. I suppose it’s because I choose words and sentence structure to suit whatever tone I’m trying to convey, while also considering the “voice” of the character whose point of view I’m writing. So, for example, if I’m writing something romantic, I use more flowing sentences, but choose words that I think the character whose head we’re in would actually use. If I’m trying to convey something tense or urgent, I’ll use more concise, clipped language and structure. If I need to drive an emotion home, or incite a reaction of some kind, I choose visceral language. Ugh, this sounds so clinical! But I promise it’s not. It just happens naturally. I’ve been called “poetic” and “evocative” by readers. I’ve also taken this super fun quiz:

https://iwl.me/

...the results of which told me I write like Stephen King, which contradicts the poetic thing. Haha. Love Stephen though. Do you guys follow him on twitter? Follow him. He’s one of my best friends in my head. And he’s woke.

Do you write (journal, pen/paper) or type first? Depends. If I have it clear in my mind how a scene should go, I type until my brain is empty. Then I edit until it’s as close to my mental picture as possible. If it’s not clear in my mind, my brain automatically goes on high alert, snatching inspiration from anywhere, at any time. That’s when I scribble things in notebooks or type notes into a document to piece together later. Dialogue, action, events, settings...

Do you have a special notebook or writing utensil? 

I have several notebooks, Evernote, and Baby (my touch screen computer). But I plan on replacing her with a Mac soon, because she’s prone to viruses and my tech medical bills have been piling up!

Do you incorporate visuals, music, and/or poetry to help you get into the writing mood? 

Yes! Music is the most powerful inspiration for me. I can get several scenes, or a chapter, or an idea for an entire story from one song. I love creating inspiration boards to visualize big scenes more vividly (and sharing them is fun). I don’t read much poetry, sadly. I have a book of famous love letters and poetry collecting dust on my bookshelf if anyone’s interested. It’s red, vintage-looking, really pretty...

Do you use mood boards/aesthetics/Pinterest? 

Yes! Here’s the one for Pas De Deux: https://www.pinterest.com/AuthorLynnTurner/pas-de-deux/

Favorite kind of music or podcasts to listen to before/while you write? 

I don’t listen to podcasts as part of my process. I find them too distracting. My taste in music is all over the place. I have the same affinity for jazz or soul that I have for pop or indie. That’s not very helpful, I suppose, but it just boils down to whatever moves or inspires me. Would you believe that Pia Mia’s “Do It Again” inspired the one-shot that became No Regrets? She was a 19 year old youtube sensation at the time, and it was her summer smash hit (possibly her only hit) about a one night stand. Hey, I’m not proud. “Locked Away” featuring Maroon 5 inspired the gala scene at the end of that story. “Garden” by Emeli Sande played as I wrote the garden love scene in Pas De Deux, and “Dreamland” by Emilia Ali was playing when I wrote the scene that opens PDD Chapter 10. :-)

Where do you like to write (Home, coffee shop, etc.)? 

I prefer to write in isolation. I love cafes, but I tend to spend my time there doing research, or outlining, or creating inspiration boards. At home, I tend to write very early in the morning or late at night when everyone’s asleep...or during “me time” when certain tiny humans aren’t around to tug at my proverbial coat tails. If I have my headphones, I can pretty much write anywhere.

How long does it take you to write a chapter? 

Oh gosh...Okay, in a vacuum, with a chapter fully formed in my mind, tons of coffee and wine coolers, I can crank one out in a single day. Outside of that vacuum, it could take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. There are so many variables: mood, inspiration, time. I’m trying to be better at forming good writing habits. John Grisham says if you aren’t writing at least a page per day, you’re not writing a book. Stephen King writes 600 words a day. Stephen King is not human.

A favorite line or paragraph you’ve written. 

This changes all the time, and I have different ones for each work, haha. By the time anyone reads this, it likely will have changed again. (There are some things I’ve written for the next Pas De Deux update that might upstage this, I dunno)...but I think this paragraph from Olivia’s point of view in Chapter 9 is my current favorite, It shows their dynamic so well, I think, and is quintessentially the Olitz I recognize no matter the writer, or whether the story is AU or canon:

She shivered, unnerved to be in his head, to see for herself the irrefutable evidence that he knew her. He knew her and she hadn’t told him a single thing.

Describe yourself in 5 words/phrases: 

You could give me 24 hours and the fate of the universe on my shoulders and I still couldn’t do this, hahaha. In a perfect world, my self is constantly evolving, so how about, in keeping with the theme of fifths, I choose something in iambic pentameter?

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Suess

Favorite TV shows/movies: 

This question is a rabbit hole. You’d need a “read more” button, and once clicked, readers would be subjected to pages and pages...so I’ll just list the ones I’d grab in case of a fire, or the apocalypse.

TV: Gilmore Girls, House, Girlfriends, A Different World, Living Single, the travelogue adventures of Samantha Brown and Anthony Bourdain, Sense8, Queen Sugar, Greenleaf, Underground, House Hunters, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black

Movies I can watch repeatedly and not get bored: Pride and Prejudice, The Devil Wears Prada, Focus, Pretty Woman, Love Jones, Ever After, The Wedding Date, Trainwreck

Movies with romantic elements: The Proposal, Trainwreck, Maid in Manhattan, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, Something New, Serendipity, While You Were Sleeping, Maid in Manhattan, The Proposal, Miss Congeniality, The Cutting Edge, A Walk in the Clouds, Return to Me, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Under the Tuscan Sun, Love Story, Beyond the Lights, Circle of Friends, Belle, Closer, Stompin at the Savoy, Memoirs of a Geisha, Dangerous Beauty, Cinderella (the one where Whitney Houston plays the fairy godmother), Coming to America, Juno, You Me & Dupri, Parent Trap, Overboard, Braveheart, The Preacher’s Wife, Palm Trees in the Snow

Favorite vacation spot: 

Hawaii

Favorite books: 

You’d think that, since my movie list is a rabbit hole, my book list would be a labyrinth, but even with all of the books I’ve read, I’m selective about what makes my favorites list:

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen, The Hating Game by Sally Thorne, Grin and Beard It by Penny Reid, Literally every book by Penny Reid, Hadassah: One Night With the King by Tommy Teney, The Twentieth Wife & The Feast of Roses by Indu Sundaresan, The Nonesuch by Georgette Heyer, Wildseed & Lilith’s Brood by Octavia Butler, The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer (YES, okay? It’s not literary genius but it’s very entertaining, if you skip book two), Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Suskind, Master of the Game by Sidney, Sheldon, Psy-Changeling series by Nalini Singh

*With the advent of fanfiction, I’m much pickier about published books, which I’m sure you all understand. ;)

Favorite authors:  

I have a to-read list half a mile long, so I’m sure this will change, but these are authors whom I find consistently write entertaining stories, even if they don’t make my favorites list:

Penny Reid, Alyssa Cole, Alisha Rai, Nalini Singh, Philippa Gregory, Farrah Rochon, Stephen King, John Grisham, Octavia Butler

What do you like better? AU or Canon?

I enjoy both, so long as they’re written well. Writing-wise, I’m more comfortable writing AU. With canon, I’m constantly aware that these aren’t my characters, so I’m sort of hyper aware of the constraints. And I have control issues. Lol.

Favorite trope/scenario to read? 

Enemies to lovers, love at first sight

Favorite Olitz TV moment/conversation? 

Seriously??? Only one? How about top three? Top five? Okay, fine, since you’re twisting my arm, I’ll give you my top ten in no particular order. (You drive a hard bargain):

1. VERMONT

2. “You almost died.” “Yes.” “Don’t do it again.” (she went in there to get him to comply, but then she actually LISTENS to him, like, really listens...and he changes her mind. They show a united front in this scene that was gorgeous to watch)

3. “I hate you.” “I know.” ...which morphed into…”You are everything and I am nothing.” ::ugly, mucous-dripping crying::

4. “Sit with me and watch me earn you.” (and obviously the AMAZING sex that came after)

5. Can the entire episode of The Trail be one?

a.  “I got a guy.” “You got a guy? Another guy? Hell’s angel? Mobster? A kind hearted felon who owes you a favor?” “Technically, he’s on probation.”

b. Camp David. Allll the Camp David. They were so in love, cute and care-free.

c. Love scene from The Trail (It’s their best, IMO. Organic. Combustible. Raw.)

d.  One minute on the couch

6. Pre-State Dinner shenanigans, Post-State Dinner Navy t shirt

7. Literally every Olitz phone call

8. 503 Oval Office Kiss ::swoon::

9. Truman Balcony kiss, because he was so vulnerable

10. Fitz saying “I still want you” in the AU episode, because it was so real, and I *believe they’re destined to be together in every universe.

*Honorable mentions: Rose Garden, Deskgate, Constitution (These were gripping, but I have personal, nitpicking reasons why they’re not in my top ten), allll the Season 6 bedtime snuggles, and every hug.

Anything else you’d like to share?

Ava DuVernay is my other BFF in my head.

Someday, when I’m confident enough in my knowledge of the era I choose (which will take years and years of research and development), I will write a historical fiction with a WOC heroine...possibly with elements of science fiction.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020: 17/01

I don’t really have an intro for this one so: REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020. Let’s get into it.

Top 10

At number-one, for the third week in a row, is “Own It” by Stormzy featuring Burna Boy and Ed Sheeran, and honestly I don’t really see a foreseeable threat to this song’s throne, but much like all songs in January, it’s a pretty weak stance and could easily fall to an unexpected climber.

Lewis Capaldi’s “Before You Go” is once again stalling at the runner-up spot.

At number-three, we have a surprise debut from an artist I didn’t think would ever peak this high in the UK, Future, who has partnered with Drake for “Life is Good”, a collaboration that is clenching the top spots on a bunch of charts, I’d imagine, mostly because of Drake. God knows how many top 10 or top 40 singles he has at this point, I’m not going to even bother counting them. Future, on the other hand, has had his highest ever charting song on the UK Singles Chart this week, and his third UK Top 40 single (His first hit in the top 10 ever). Congratulations, I suppose, but we’ll talk about the song a bit later.

Due to the sudden debut, most of the top 10 is falling this week. First of all, “Don’t Start Now” by Dua Lipa is down a spot to number-four.

“The Box” by Roddy Ricch seems to immediately abolish that trend as it has rocketed up 11 spaces in the chart to number-five, perhaps highlighting a possible #1 candidate in the coming weeks. It’s Roddy’s first top 10 hit in the UK.

“ROXANNE” by Arizona Zervas is down two spaces to number-six.

Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved” is stable at number-seven for some God forsaken reason.

The Weeknd’s “Blinding Lights” is up two spots to number-eight and with the video release, I could see this peaking even higher.

Justin Bieber’s “Yummy” falls hard off of the debut, being nearly pushed out of the top 10, losing four spaces to number-nine.

Finally, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is down four spots to #10. Sure.

Climbers

We have a rare week where there are no notable climbers at all outside of the top 10, which is emblematic of a certain period on the chart.

Fallers

In January, popular music repeats itself and the chart regurgitates the biggest hits of the year for a brief month where nothing can seemingly actually make a spin for the top spot or become a smash hit, and everything somehow collapses, and every debut goes nowhere, only to be gone by March. It should be the month where the smash hit songs appear on the charts for the first time, and it usually is, but it definitely never seems like that, as the chart is so dry and after the influx of 2019’s greatest hits, we seem to have reached a new equilibrium, so we can start waving goodbye to our fallers and drop-outs; I doubt we’ll see many of them again. “Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean is down six spots to #16, “South of the Border” by Ed Sheeran featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B is down seven spaces to #24, as is “Gangsta” by Darkoo and One Acen at #26, “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott and remixed by ROSALIA and Lil Baby is down five to #30, “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello is down five to #35, and finally, “Lights Up” by Harry Styles is down eight positions to #40.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There aren’t any returning entries, after all, we seldom have too many re-entries to the chart, but there is a handful of dropouts from the chart. First of all, we have the three-songs-per-artist rule coming into effect for the first notable time in a while, as since there’s a new Stormzy song, “Audacity” featuring Headie One is out from #26 and I’m going to predict it’s definitely back next week. Also out is the promising new arrival “Savage” by MIST out off of the debut at #35, non-starter, “Into the Unknown” by Idina Menzel and AURORA from the Frozen II soundtrack, out from #37, and “Heartless” by the Weeknd, out from #38.

Before we get into the new arrivals, here are some songs in the top 75 that have a trajectory seemingly aiming for the top 40, that I’d like to see get there. Not all of these songs are good but they are all healthy predictions. We have “Good News” by the late Mac Miller at #49, “Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy at #60, “Say So” by Doja Cat at #65, “SUGAR” by BROCKHAMPTON at #66, “Eleven” by Khalid at #70, and “Roses” by Saint Jhn at #72. I’d bet money on most of these eventually making the top 40. Anyway, here’s the main attraction:

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “You should be sad” – Halsey

Produced by Greg Kurstin

It should be no surprise that I’m not the biggest fan of Halsey. Part of her alternative-pop-girl image was really pretentious and turned me off initially but once she fully embraced she was a pop singer, whilst I respect her more, I still found her lacking, arguably more so, as a singer and songwriter. This song, however, is pretty unique, and it comes from her album Manic, which I’ve yet to listen to. It’s a country song, funnily enough right next to the only other country song that made a big splash in the UK last year, “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, which is at #36. It’s not a common occurrence for country songs to appear on the UK Singles Chart, for obvious reasons, but I’ll take a Shania Twain-influenced country pop song dependent on more neo-traditional 90s pedal-steel—Listen, I know little to nothing about country, and I’m throwing all these random key terms around... I’m not necessarily the best person to speak on this, and I know that, but I guess I’ll see if I myself prefer Halsey’s ninth UK top 40 hit. For what it’s worth, the guitar line here is really sweet, but Halsey’s voice with an additional country twang and drowned in reverb, just sounds kind of gross and ugly? I guess that’s the best way to say it, and even though sometimes it works, she seems way too downbeat and subtle for a vengeful kiss-off... until the entire flow of the verse obstructs for the chorus, which is introduced by a really dodgy, awkward wave of distorted strings that just sound awful. Whatever tone, genre, style or mood this song attempts to build up is immediately broken by that, and whilst some of these lyrics are really specific and genuinely pretty good, I’m tuned out until that killer electric guitar riff comes in and steals the show... before it just goes again. It’s not like there’s build-up to the riff either, or that it’s a break from the momentum because everything just keeps happening in the background. It’s not a drop because there’s no climax or catharsis to it, it’s just a cool riff that’s... there. Yeah, this is wasted potential, and that’s not even including the questionable at best mixing and whatever the hell that bridge is. This song might actually be broken, like what happened in the mediating process, guys? Who leant on seven wrong buttons at the same time? God, what a hot mess of a song.

#28 – “Rare” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Sir Nolan and Simon Says

Selena Gomez has a new album. It’s where “Lose You to Love Me” comes from. It’s probably pretty mediocre. I do not care for Selena Gomez. She makes robot pop music. It is about as standard and droning as these sentences. This is her 16th solo UK top 40 hit, or without “the Scene” if you prefer—that clause alone gives me more character than a Selena Gomez album. Sometimes with good songwriters, she can get something decent out of her limited range and bland production, and with Madison Love as a songwriter and Charli XCX involved as the person originally handed the song, I actually have somewhat high expectations for this, and you know what? It’s promising. The lo-fi bass groove and steady funk/soul groove in the intro is pretty sweet, but then the whole 2019 pop schtick comes in, and some of the soul is lost, but it has a pretty quirky, fun string instrumental with nice, bubbly synths and seemingly randomly-placed hi-hats. Here, Gomez actually works pretty well as she stays calm until the chorus, and she doesn’t sound too bad there, even if she’s desperately filling up the meter with nonsense, because it does sound like a child’s nursery rhyme. Hence, she fits in perfectly with the petty lyrics and cute instrumental. The guitar in the post-chorus/bridge sounds really great too. Perhaps it is over-long though, as three minutes and 40 seconds does make the chorus wear off, although it really could not have been as good as a song without that bridge, as the slow sense of dread is keeping up in the pre-chorus, with that intense bass groove and what seem to be airplane crash sound effects, only to propel itself back into a really cute chorus, with kind of an 80s sound I’m just noticing. Yeah, this is pretty good, and it has Charli XCX kind of written all over it. I’d like to hear a remix if that’s fine with you, Selena. You’ve impressed me with this one.

#21 – “STILL DISAPPOINTED” – Stormzy

Produced by Mikey J

This is Stormzy’s 22nd UK Top 40 hit and Christ, there’s a lot to unpack with this one. Okay, so this is the 2019-2020 Grime War, or at least that’s what r/grime is calling it. There have been 32 rappers or MCs involved in the war so far, including Ed Sheeran, but most are just mentioned in diss tracks, or “dubs” as the grime scene calls them, without responding. Basically, JAY1, who has been on this show before, didn’t pay Dot Rotten for producing the song “Million Bucks”, which was credited to Steel Banglez (It’s actually a great beat, by the way, I’d want credit too), so Dot Rotten released three dubs, one of which was copyright-claimed by JAY1, thus in response Dot released another song called “Copyright Claim This, P***y”. Classy. Then two of the most desperate-for-attention people in the grime scene find themselves dissing each other: Dot Rotten and Wiley. Within four days, Dot Rotten releases eight dubs. There’s this whole mess with Wiley, Dot and Jaykae, but then finally, a fan asks if he will be dissing Jaykae. Wiley says, “Never, he’s with Ed and Stormzy now”. Hence, Wiley and Stormzy go back and forth for a while on Twitter, and the beef escalates, with Wiley posting a Stormzy dub called “Eeydiat Skengman”, which is just okay, but has a pretty killer beat. Stormzy responds with “DISAPPOINTED”, but the reception is lukewarm. Sure, the Brexit joke was funny, but he had mostly weak bars and he also called himself the King of Grime over a drill beat. In fact, might as well cover all the Wiley tracks: they all sound the same. The beef has mostly stopped for now, but it’s still going on in the lower echelon. I would argue it probably stopped because of Stormzy’s final dub, “STILL DISAPPOINTED”, which is hilarious, and actually on a grime beat, in fact it’s on an iconic beat from the first Lord of the Mics in 2004, “Mic Check 1-2” by Kano. It starts out pretty okay, Stormzy just saying that he’s a real G and all... but then:

So why you love to talk about mums so much?

The entire diss track is about Wiley’s mother, and that when Wiley’s house was threatened by bricks and guns during gang violence, he (supposedly) sent her to Cyprus instead of trying to rescue her and improving her quality of life. He then says that his mother is pregnant because Wiley is fraud (Huh?), that Stormzy will have sex with his mother, and that she is a whore, but it’s not her fault that she had to move to Cyprus, but he will still have sex with his mother and become the man of the house. He takes only a few bars to relax and stop going on this tangent detailing Wiley’s mother’s move to Cyprus, but then comes back to the topic again, and whilst some of the bars make seemingly no sense at least to me, the dub is cruel and so oddly specific that I’d be incredibly offended. I’d probably want to fight Stormzy after this, honestly, and the song isn’t even that great. It’s a diss track, so I can’t really critique it as a song and not a personal attack, but Stormzy’s flow and charisma is definitely there and this was a funny listen.

Also, this line had me cackling:

I never wanna hear you say, "Free the mandem" (Yeah) / Let's go Cyprus and go free your mumzy

#3 – “Life is Good” – Future and Drake

Produced by OZ and D. Hill

It is so weird to see Future here. Drake not so much obviously, but this song peaked at #2 in the US, nearly giving Future his first #1, all thanks to Drake. Without Drake, the song would still be entirely coherent but it wouldn’t chart at all. That’s because this is not a collaboration in any sense of the word. It wouldn’t even fit under the guise of their little collaborative effort, What a Time to be Alive. It’s a Drake song, and then a Future song. Hold on, let me change this.

#3 – “Life is Good” – Drake, then Future

Produced by OZ and D. Hill

I don’t mind guest artists having solo sections of songs, hell, Drake had one on Travis Scott’s “SICKO MODE” a year back, but there’s a beat switch in the middle that completely separates both performances. Drake has a chorus, as does Future. Drake has a verse, Future has two—under two completely separate beats. At least on “SICKO MODE”, Travis joined in with Drake and Tay Keith for a verse and a couple ad-libs under the same beat. Sigh, I guess it doesn’t matter in the end, even though Future cheated a chart placement; it’s not as obviously fraudulent as Ellie Goulding’s efforts, or John Legend’s. I’m surprised that a plain and simple trap-rap song charted this high in the first place, even if it was just Drake (And for most people who skip after the first two minutes, it might as well be). I don’t know why I’m complaining honestly, because the song is honestly pretty good. I would have usually dismissed this as dark trap-rap nonsense with no redeemable qualities, but this is one of those songs with such a lack of energy it’s almost eerie, and those creepy synths in Drake’s part are fantastic in making it sound like that. Repeating inflections from “Mob Ties” aside, Drake’s performance is pretty good, with a couple funny lines, although I’m not sure how intentionally funny they were.

Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up

[Gnarly dude]s caught me slippin’ once, okay, so what?

I think Pusha T’s diss track about you hiding a child was a bit more than being caught slipping once, Aubrey. Anyway, after a voice memo interlude from Future, we have a pretty great beat, with an admittedly stiff but still impressive trap groove, and while Future is less on beat than Drake and arguably less interesting, he rides the beat well enough, and the synths are really quiet, for whatever reason. Regardless, this is a pretty cool song with great flows from both rappers and an eerie, cool beat from OZ. 

I’m trying to avoid nonsense, get Osama spray in this b****, woo!

HUH

Conclusion

This was actually a pretty great week, with the obvious Worst of the Week going to Halsey’s “You should be sad”, and a surprising Best of the Week for “Rare” by Selena Gomez. In fact, I’m going to give a tied Honourable Mention instead of any Dishonourable Mentions, so it’s going to Stormzy’s “STILL DISAPPOINTED” and Drake’s, then Future’s, “Life is Good”. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank, I’ll see you next week.

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020

[banjodanger]

X-Men 3:The Last Stand(2006). This Is The Worst One, Right?

Wow.

Like, this was bad. I knew it was going to be bad, like over the years when I revisited this movie it got worse. It was never as good as it was seeing it in the theatre, I knew that. I told myself this. But I was not prepared for how much my opinion would change.

I’m going to tear this movie apart pretty hard, but I’m going to be mature and admit that there were parts of this movie I liked, and that I thought worked, because there were things I enjoyed. I’m examining movies and not just shitting on them.

First off, Beast really struck a nostalgia chord with me. I’m not saying Kelsey Grammar turns in an Oscar-worthy performance, but man it touched that little kid part of my brain that used to light up when I watched the nineties cartoon. If you told me they ripped his character off of old episodes of Cheers, I’d believe you. The speech patterns, his mannerisms, every time he was on screen I was enjoying it. Nicholas Hoult is a great actor and he really made the character his own, but this Beast is ripped straight from the comics and it was a delight.

You know, in a dumb way, I enjoyed Vinnie Jones too, but in a different way. I don’t think he was a good Juggernaut, but he’s a specific actor who plays a specific role and I don’t think he tries to stretch beyond that. So this is basically Bullet-Tooth Tony running around smashing shit up. If it sounds like I’m struggling to find things to compliment, well, I am. But I’m nothing if not a raging masochist so let’s try for one more.

This film is called The Last Stand, and I don’t think this film lives up to that title, even a little. However, it does a pretty fair job of changing the team. Xavier and Cyclops are dead, Magneto, Rogue, and Mystique are all depowered, so in chronological order it sure looks like, whatever happens in the next movie, it’s going to be a different team and a different villain.

I guess if this post has a theme, it’s that time makes fools of us all.

There’s a lot wrong with this movie. That Juggernaut meme line, the way this movie introduces characters just to forget about them(go ahead, tell me how this movie would be any different without Angel.), the lab on Alcatraz. The X-men defend people that tried to cure them and then...nothing? There’s never a teaching moment, unless you count Angel saving his dad which...no. That’s not a teaching moment, the film practically treats this cure as a good thing. They’re keeping a mutant child under lock and key, distilling his power through god knows what means, and somehow they’re not the villains of this film. We’re just supposed to assume they stopped processing it, because now Leech is smiling next to Kitty instead of locked in what’s arguably a kinda rad room. Where the fuck did they get him? Is he an employee’s kid? They’re cool turning their kid out into a lab rat? I guess it doesn’t matter if they want that employee-sponsored health insurance.

Quick side-note, capitalism is destroying us all.

But what’s taking me so long to get at is I was struggling with this blog post for a while. I know this movie hates women. I’m not holding myself up as a paragon of feminism, not even close. I have a lot to learn and unlearn. But I think it is painfully clear that this movie treats just about every woman in this flick poorly. Take a gander.

Rogue: Despite that very emotional speech from Wolverine, Rogue takes that cure for a boy. She leaves after watching Bobby skate with Kitty, and he’s the first person she sees after she’s cured.

Kitty: Jesus, this movie might as well put a red A on everything she wears. She openly flirts with Bobby in front of Rogue, she argues for mutants being above morality with Xavier. Kitty Pryde in this movie is never anything more than a romantic rival. Oh, and I guess she gets called a bitch by Juggernaut. So there’s that.

Mystique: Here is a character that believes in mutant supremacy one hundred percent, she might even believe it more than Magneto. Her own family hated her so much they tried to kill her. She is a mutant and that is a huge part of her identity. It’s why she’s followed Magneto for years. She even takes a bullet(dart?) for the guy, and he thanks her by tossing her aside like garbage. He leves her naked and alone on a hijacked prison convoy and at least ten dead cops. So she wants revenge, and you know what? That’s absolutely in character, Mystique is not one to turn the other cheek, of course she’d go over and help the X-Men, they preach working with humans and surely they’d have sympathy-oh, she decides to work with the people that locked her up? The ones that arguably hold heavy responsibility for her current predicament? Well, that’s a decision too.

So this all leads us to Jean Grey. The Phoenix. They’ve been building up this transformation since the first movie. This is a plot that has been building up for six years. And this movie almost completely disregards it.

After Jean destroys her childhood home, a weird decision that I think only appears in this movie as a callback to the comics, or maybe because someone didn’t have enough confidence in that opening scene. She basically disappears until the movie is done cramming the cure plot down our throats. She threatens Magneto with a cure gun and Wolverine pays her a visit while apparently traveling across the entire contiguous United States in thirty minutes. Which is weird, because if the Phoenix is all “Pain and rage” like Xavier, then the wholesale slaughter that occurs directly in front of her should be driving her nuts. Hundreds of people are killed or depowered in front of her and her reaction is like watching paint dry. Just for the record, her reaction to making out with Cyclops is to evaporate all the water in a lake and disintegrate a human being. Her reaction to the collective agony of hundreds of humans and mutants and ripping up a major landmark is to wonder what is taking McDonalds so long to make a Big Mac. Her meltdown is literally timed to happen directly after Magneto is out of the way and Leech is safe.

But while all that is bad, and shows some definite plot holes, unfamiliarity with the source material, and maybe a knowledge that this movie was going to hit number one at the box office if they just filmed Hugh Jackman reading Wolverine fanfiction. But after giving this movie some thought, I realized what was really bothering me about this movie as a whole, but Jean Grey in particular.

Ok, so the whole thing about these X-Men movies up to this point is that they’re grounded in reality. They don’t wear colorful costumes and they call each other by their real names. They don’t have superhero names, they have nicknames. And, unlike the X-Men of the comic books, they don’t go to outer space. So it makes sense that they’re not going to make the Phoenix an immortal space bird from beyond the stars. Phoenix doesn’t eat planets in this movie, and honestly that’s a good decision. After two movies that more or less take place in our reality, why would you introduce a bunch of fantastical elements all of a sudden(Asking you, Spider-Man 3)? The answer is, you don’t. You make the Phoenix another, higher manifestation of Jean’s powers. The next step in her evolutionary process.

But, by doing that, isn’t the Phoenix a mental illness?

Follow my logic, Jean is losing control of her powers. Her powers are mind-related. Jean Grey is losing her grip on her abilities and her grip on reality, and as a result is a danger to herself, her friends and family, and others. Jean needs help.

Or she needs a guy that has an unrequited crush on her to stab her in the abdomen.

That’s how this movie solves mental illness. Violence. No real attempt to help their friend, just Wolverine saying a line that wouldn’t be out of place in bad romantic poetry and then stabbing her. Because she asked him to. In the comics, she kills herself as a heroic sacrifice. In the movie, a man has to do it, because even though she might be the most powerful mutant on the planet, she’s still got two xx chromosomes and according to Brett Ratner that means she’s weak.

I could talk about all the ways this movie fails its characters but honestly I feel like I’ve typed enough. Fuck this movie. Bring on X-Men Origins because I refuse to believe it is any worse than this.

(For the record, if you or a friend is suffering from a mental illness, please get them help. Don’t call the cops, call a doctor or a trained mental health professional.)