#probably should delete this imminently

[lark-lomond]

I really do enjoy going through utterly rancid posts to use them as a blocklist. But it's a shame that the blogs I need to fear the most are not just TERFs, but other trans women. The "how dare you say we piss on the poor" types, who jump at every chance to tear down another trans woman for the crime of being on their dash. I don't even need to name the women who've been attacked like this, because I'm sure you can think of at least five off the top of your head.

The trend on these blocklist blogs is unmistakable: either early in transition or unable/unwilling to go further, reliant on uwu nya speak and egg_irl memes, using niche flags and Picrew icons as the foundation of their identity, and PISSED THE FUCK OFF. I have a lot of empathy for that, because I've been there. That was me for most of 2019-2021, Picrew icons and everything. And it sucks! It sucks so fucking bad. You feel so pathetically vulnerable, physically disgusted with yourself, societally beaten down, and hopeless that you'll ever see any success from transition. I've been there, for years, and that was the worst my mental health has ever been.

All of which makes it very difficult to condemn the people in these horrible little mobs, because they are children to me. Doesn't matter how old they are - although many are minors - those early stages, from egg to early transition (or even beyond), are an intense and exaggerated childhood. That's especially true if you're on HRT and undergoing a second puberty. I was such a fucking mess in those years, I'm genuinely astonished (and incredibly grateful) that my friends stood by me and supported me.

Not all of them did, of course. I'm no longer friends with some of the people I talked to most during that era, and that's no coincidence. I was essentially reset to being a teenager. Do you still talk to your high school friends?

And that's what it really reminds me of, in the end. This stupid fucking high school bullying. You can't win. Teenagers will bully you for being fat, being thin, being poor, being a nerd, being a geek, being a weeb, being a dork, and especially being anything that they can call a "creep." They're learning the patterns of society, its vicious judgments, and trying desperately to eke out a role for themselves that shelters them from its worst. And so many of us trans people are temporary (or perpetual) teenagers.

In my experience, high schoolers don't tend to bully you for being rich, or talented, or popular, or pretty. They recognize the power in that. But they sure as hell will resent you, and say vile things behind your back. Nowadays, having put a lot of work into passing and femininity (though I still feel like I'm always falling short), I find the Picrew teens tend to sort me with the "privileged" chicks. If I had any kind of influence or success, they'd see me, and they'd resent me. And once they saw an opening - once they had a bucket of pig's blood to fill at the prom, once they had a bottle of drain cleaner to feed the hungover alpha bitch - they'd pounce.

I see a great irony in how being transgender is so often policed by the people who have the least experience being trans.

We're a minority group politically joined by our shared experience with something that is INTENSELY personal. On some level, it's no surprise it gets this vicious. But it gouges me horribly to see it. There are organized hate groups out there who dedicate their day jobs to eradicating us, and all the while, we do their work for them. Crabs in the bucket, etc. Behind every successful trans woman is a thousand seething teenagers who want to see her stripped to the bloody bone.

God forbid any of us have anything to be proud of.