#promiselost - hohenheim

[alchemic-elric]

Hohenheim,

I don’t really know what to say to you but I feel like I’m obligated to say something.  It’s so  weird when it comes to you because I feel like I’m obligated to forgive you when I really don’t want to. I don’t want to forgive you for leaving us behind like you did. I don’t care what the reason was. You didn’t even say goodbye and we’re your fucking kids.

Mom might have known but we fucking didn’t. Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you come back to check on us? You told me I burned the house down because I ran away well what about you? You ran away too. You ran away from us.  You finally come home. You finally see me again and then you just turn around and leave again.

Stop saying you want me. Stop saying you love me if you’re only going to continue to leave us in the dust. Yes, we’ve been adopted but that doesn’t mean I don’t want you in my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to get to know you. I learned Alchemy from your handwriting. From the notes you left behind in your books. We learned your craft because we wanted to understand why it was more important than us. More important than Mom.

I don’t know if I’ll ever understand you. I tell myself it’s okay to hate you because it makes the pain hurt less but I can never do it. How hard is it to look after your kids? I’m only a man now because I never had the option to be a child and that doesn’t mean I don’t need guidance. That doesn’t mean I don’t need parents. That doesn’t mean I don’t need you. Why is that so fucking hard to see? I love Mustang but I love you too. Why is it so difficult to see that I want both? I can have both.

You can’t get upset that someone stepped up where you failed to act. You can be disappointed but upset? No. You don’t get that.. Talking to  you is so difficult because you don’t hear the most basic shit. I want you in my life so why don’t you want us in yours? I don’t know why I’m writing this out  you’re never gunna see it anyway. Al said it would help and I just - I dunno.

As predicted - it’s promptly crumbled up and thrown in the trash. 

[gcldenchild]

@promiselost​​ has a gift:

There's a hesitation there, an uncertainty that he's somehow still overstepping. He places a hand on top of his son's head, and holds out a pistachio, unshelled. "When you were little, you'd try to eat these whole, so I started unshelling entire containers when I bought them so you wouldn't choke. Now I can't buy them without doing that. Just in case."

there’s a few things going on that just catch him off guard with this, but ... not in a bad way.  for one, there’s a hand on his head. despite the fact he’s snapped at people before when it comes to making him feel smaller while he’s in the headspace of being BIGGER, there’s no sense of anger at the contact.  no sense of anxiety, either. it’s just ... strangely calming. he could potentially blame this on how long he’s gone without any sort of contact from his father whatsoever, but ... he’s sure it’s because there’s that little boy inside him feeling so insanely happy about it just being DAD in the first place.

sunny always did talk about his parents nonstop, after all. 

the second thing is the nut he’s just unceremoniously holding out.  a pistachio. he remembers those. hasn’t had much of a chance to eat them lately. hasn’t had much of a chance to eat properly at all beyond minor snacking, honestly - he should really work on fixing that.  it’s such a nice little treat.

and then hohenheim goes and attributes it to a memory he’d long since forgotten.  those lost pieces of his childhood he shoved away for his own growth are starting to flood him, centralizing all in the focus given to just LISTEN.

yes ... he remembers that. he remembers just being mouthy, especially when he was little. anything with a good enough texture for his picky little tastes went into his mouth without a second thought. granted, he’s still like this now, but ... he knows whats healthy and what’s not. baby him had no way to know. 

funny, how a simple nut throws him into a world of memories. a part of him wonders if he bought the salted variety again that he remembers just loving all the time ... 

“ ... did y’ buy a new container ‘r somethin’ ? can’t imagine y’ jus’ got a single damn pistachio on y’. that DOES seem like somethin’ y’ would do, though ... ”

he’s absolutely not just asking because he’s in a snacky mood, of course. he just wants to make conversation ... yeah, conversation. that’s a good lie.