#proper; hence why im kinda. :thinking emoji: about things more and just trying to get into new routines

[all-of-your-mercy]

i wonder if i feel so inept bc of like. idk. exhaustion? not feeling fulfilled or doing anything fulfilling? feels like the world ended in 2022, and i died in early 2023. even now it feels like im kind of a phantom of what i was supposed to be im not exactly dreading this feeling but its more like. feeling a little lost and just uncertain. 20s are the period where that feeling is normal, but at the same time ... im at a point where im (somewhat) content with doing nothing at the moment because im not sure if there's anything i want to do specifically. do i wan to even want to interact with these people, do i even want to do these errands... etc. could be some type of existentialist pondering but also idk. I feel like i kind of worn myself out because i spent half of 2023 on survivor's mode / just disconnected with myself (dissociated) that now everything feels a little funny. time passage, my current situation, etc... i know mentally i'm still also thinking of ways to brute force myself out of this "funny" feeling. but at the same time i have moments where im really tired and i wonder how previously i had so much energy. but then again... "previous me" had different matters to worry about and they didn't pile up so much overtime. and me, current me is dealing with everything leftover from said past -- so a lot probably adds into one and just. feels funny like that. currently im playing some low poly horror game called the shopping list. debating on sleeping early because of this said exhaustion. winter is around so it probably feels like ... a lot weighs me down as a result, maybe? not sure. tomorrow's friday and i'm getting my t shot at least. i'll have to work tomorrow again and catch up with some stuff maybe again from work but also... hrm.

i think i'll just sleep a little earlier today, anticipate the tomorrow's massage session and just enjoy that. i haven't had a proper massage before (aside from an experimental one) so putting away that constant tension from my back might be really good for me. it's known that trauma ... stressors pile up in the body. and i'm a chronic jaw clencher/back stiffer (funny way to word it) when it comes to that. so hopefully vicky will manage to shed out a lot of that tension and i can kinda feel better from it.