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#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do
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1 year
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#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do?
#me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care
#but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour
#away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from
#sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont
#care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it
#manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean
#i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking
#measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her
#new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted
#ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning
#for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering
#and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself
#amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads
#god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im
#putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do
#so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u
#productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh
#look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment
#whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh
#but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see
#uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs
#unrelated
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