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#putting this in my homestuck tag actually that shit is painful to read and people do not simply go 'yea shit it is :('
soup-mother · 5 months
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my apparently controversial opinion is that i don't support the apparently god given divine right of artists to put strobing lights and brightly flashing colours in their work in the name of artistic freedom.
"well it's meant to be obnoxious" simply make it annoying in a way that isn't directly making it inaccessible to people. also you're being obnoxious by being like that.
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hellishoccult · 2 years
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     So  when  I  was  about  12  years  old,  I  met  a  man  in  his  30s  through  the  cosplay  tag  on  Omegle.  I  never  saw  his  face,  but  he  saw  me.  We  exchanged  Skypes  and  started  speaking  there.  After  about  a   month,  he  had  me  wrapped  around  his  finger  through  the  usual  grooming  methods.  Treating  me  like  I  was  older  than  I  was,  complimenting  me,  supporting  me  when  my  parents  didn’t,  etc.  He  then  asked  me  to  masturbate  on  camera  for  him.  And  I  did.  Throughout  a  year  of  this  and  worse  things,  he  used  primarily  Homestuck  content  to  show  me  that  what  was  happening  “ was  okay. ”  The  characters  were  about  the  same  age  as  me,  and  he  said  that  sexualizing  the  characters  was  wrong  because  they  “ couldn’t  consent. ”  He  insisted  I  could,  which  no  child  can  in  that  case,  thus  convincing  me  that  I  was  in  control  and  I  wanted  what  was  happening.  I  “ broke  up ”  with  him  after  I  turned  13  and  I  never  told  anyone.
     Along  the  way  of  me  growing  up  and  going  through  puberty,  I  did  what  most  people  do  and  looked  up  porn,  specifically  hentai.  I  would  run  across  lolisho  content  without  knowing  until  halfway  through  and  would  feel  disgusted  with  myself,  even  if  in  the  story,  the  characters  were  happy  and  okay,  because  “ no  one  asked  them. ”  The  fact  that  they  could  literally  not  be  asked  never  occurred  to  me.  I  went  from  saying  “ aging  up  a  character  for  sex  is  okay ”  to  saying  “ avoid  the  underage  characters  entirely ”  to   “ size  differences  mean  you  wish  there  was  a  child  involved ”   to  “ having  kinks  like  ageplay  or  noncon  means  you're  really  a  pedophile  or  a  rapist. ”  It  just  kept  going  from  there.
     It  was  actually  VivziePop  who  helped  me  at  first.  She’d  been  called  out  for  student/teacher  ships,  underage  characters  in  sexual  drawings,  and  “ bestiality. ”  When  I  looked  into  it  myself,  the  student/teacher  ship  was  between  two  adults,  the  underage  character  wasn’t  even  underage  in  the  story  anymore,  and  the  “ bestiality ”  was  a  talking  snake  from  a  cartoon.  It  was  weak,  and  I  was  horrified  that  people  were  believing  it.
     So  then  I  started  thinking  to  myself.  When  I  make  an  OC,  I  never  ask  them  if  they’re  okay  with  me  killing  their  parents,  or  putting  them  through  literal  torture,  or  anything  like  that.  Because  they  can’t  be  asked,  and  because  they  aren’t  real,  they  have  no  feelings  unless  I  say  so.  If  I  draw  a  picture  and  I  make  a  character  cry  in  it,  they  never  shed  a  real  tear.  They  don’t  bleed.  Even  if  you  draw  them  bleeding,  it’s  just  the  color  red  on  paper  or  on  a  screen.  It’s  a  puppet,  a  drawing,  a  3D  model,  whatever.
     I  was  actually  hurt.  A  real  person  picked  me  out  of  a  crowd,  so  to  speak,  fed  me  this  bullshit,  and  used  me  as  his  personal  sex  slave  for  over  a  year.  The  fact  that  too  many  people  on  the  internet  will  read  everything  I’ve  just  told  you  and  will  look  at  me  and  tell  me  that  because  I  have  no  empathy  for  a  cartoon  child,  my  abuse  means  nothing  and  I’m  doomed  to  rape  a  real  one  disgusts  me.  No  one  listens  when  I  tell  them  that  thinking  about  that  makes  me  sob.  Makes  me  want  to  peel  my  skin  off.  Makes  me  want  to  die.
     So  no.  I’m  not  going  to  stop  with  the  “ proshipper  shit ”  any  time  soon.  And  for  the  record,  every  therapist  I’ve  had  encouraged  this  mindset.  You’ve  been  blocked,  but  if  this  is  who  I  think  it  is,  you’ll  see  it  anyway.  I  hope  you  can  get  the  help  you  need  to  stop  threatening  victims,  and  I  hope  you  can  get  help  to  deal  with  what  happened  to  you  so  you  stop  taking  your  pain  out  on  other  people  in  general.
     I  also  hope  you  have  a  lovely  day.
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yellowshibe · 5 years
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epilogue reaction rant
i am SURE this has been said but from the pov of a long long term hs fan seeing people angry about the epilogues and saying homestuck is cancelled etc is so fucking obvious to me that a good 90% of this fandom sees homestuck as a comfort, not an actual piece of content (more under the cut.)
its just crazy to me that people are legitimately telling hussie/v/jenna/etc that they’ve destroyed the comic, the characters, the fandom is wild rn with people saying the epilogue doesn’t exist...etc. its just so telling of how yall view homestuck as a whole, itself, even the comic. ESPECIALLY the comic.
homestuck, rereading it now as an adult, is a piece of media so intensely entrenched in PAIN, trauma, young/teen confusion petaining to relationships both romantic and parental, abuse, literal death and gore, meta universe bullshit, like guys. its about 13 year old children being saddled with the responsibility of not only each others lives and the fate of their and others universes, but also so much death. so much death! everyone they know dies - family, and every human, every species on their homeworld. and they are 13.
when i was 13, my bangs, my clothes, instagram were stressful for me. i am neurodivergent and left school in 8th grade. i found homestuck thru a childhood friend right before - and reading it the first time, i skimmed, i barely read any pesterlogs till act 5. it took me 3 years thru to act 6. (i think). and i never actually finished it. i never saw the last flash, i never paid attention to upd8s. i was a kid busy being fucked up and out of school and bed bound. but now im 20, and im rereading it with my girlfriend. its such, such a different piece of work than 13-15 year old me experienced. homestuck, essentially, is a story of stories. it’s over 150 (?) characters OWN lives and arcs and plots and deaths tangled up in each others. like literally, it is about where you came from, who you came from. how you were raised and how that effects you. how your lineage and your OWN timeline can fuck you up. both of them! how you are just a kid and its hard and NOBODY understands. it encapsulates such an intense feeling of middle/highschool depression and GROWTH - thru trauma and pain and wanting love and the love being offered not being enough or its weird and whatever else inner workings 13 to 16 year olds have. THAT I HAD. 
and on the other hand, homestuck is a tragedy. its as long as ulysses. it’s so so painful. so many characters, side or beloved, die, tragically and bloodily and painfully and sometimes only as a semi plot device. a lot of the time the death is meaningless in the moment - if the character is lucky, it matters later on. but something i see hussie put across so often is the set up of tropes in characters or situations only to destroy it. remember in like 2013 when an upd8 would drop and people would make wild predictions with just the most obscene random bullshit, because we all knew hussie was FUCKING CRAZY and would fuck shit up just to fuck shit up? that was probably my favorite aspect of the fandom back then - people wildly spewing ideas and theories and us all waiting with baited breath for the next installment and to see who was right about how fucking crazy huss is and also how well we knew our characters and our assumptions of plot and LORE. where is that mentality now? where are people saying holy shit. this is so intense. this is SO GOOD.
when i started reading the epilogues i went in with the assumption the people who created it could FUCK us up, and over. i honestly expected WORSE - that huss/etc would create and insanely twisted (plot wise) convoluted not satisfying or real ending. but they chose to make it TOO real. to comment on the characters humanity. the entrapment of characters and huss himself imo in fanon. how people’s interpretations of his/their work was becoming so warped post end of hs. and yall really outdid yourselves! you all chose to see this work, tragic and fucked up and HUMAN as it is, and say. oh well you didn’t write it HAPPY, so i don’t like it. you, hussie, the creator, chose to end this work with pain and trauma and more death, and even though that was in the comic, since i see everyone i like from hs as happy go luck comfort characters, i am removing myself from something i love denying canon and denying hussie his autonomy as a creator because I WANTED IT TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD..????????
please i implore you go reread the comic. it is JUST as fucked up as the epilogue - but thru the eyes of 13 year old kids, not thoroughly traumatized and broken and angry 23 year olds who hate each other but only HAVE each other, interacting w fascism and transphobia and unwillingness to confron one another because this is it, this is all we get. as a freshly new adult tm. i fucking loved it. it touches on so many interpersonal and PERSONAL fucked up things about being an adult in the wake of the destruction of your childhood and sense of reality. its such a relatable and painful thing but its NOT bad - they chose to make it this way, they also chose to warn us, to tag triggers, to say take your time, its 700,000 words and its painful . and yall are ignoring that bc your fucking fav character isnt happy, like jesus. homestuck as a work grew up. so should we.
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thezomblr-blog1 · 6 years
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Rules: Tag 10 Mutuals You Want to Know Better
Tagged by: @causticdecay​ kfldjhkdsg (I love your blogs so much)
Name: Cat
Star Sign: Sun sign is Cancer. Moon/Rising Signs are Aries
Height: 5′3
4. Put your iTunes or Spotify on shuffle. What are the first 4 songs that come up?
Bad At Love - Halsey
Listen To Your Heart - Roxette
Eye of the Tiger - Survivor 
Ghost - Mystery Skulls 
5. Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Not that I know of. Some people at my school wrote slash fanfic and drew fanart about my best friend and I though. VERY weird experience. Now I’m just of the belief that I can’t be bffs with someone unless at least one idiot accuses us of dating. Since it’s happened to pretty much me and all my best friends regardless of gender ever.
6. When was the last time you played guitar?
Never o.o
7. Who is your celebrity crush?
Oh. Huh. Not sure actually - don’t follow many actor/actresses etc. 
8. What’s a sound you hate and a sound you love?
I love the sounds of really intense storms and rain. Also cats purring ♥ I haaaate most whistling. And forks and knifes on plates. Or metal on metal just makes me cringe so bad.
9. Do you believe in ghosts?
Oh yes - have had way too many experiences to say otherwise. They like me :P
10. How about aliens?
Think it’s silly to think we’re the only sentient species out there.
11. Do you drive?
Nope - terrified to learn. But I really need to.
12. What was the last book you read?
Currently reading through the Homestuck books! Before that it was either Mark Z Danielwski’s The Familiar (Vol. 5). OR it was S. by Doug Dorst and JJ Abrams
13. Do you like the smell of gasoline?
[ It depends? I don’t like it when it’s in a tank or whatever, but if you’ve ever been to a motorbike race track, you’ll know that the smell is UNF. ] JUST GOING TO SECOND THIS! 
14. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
I’ve had a few pretty bad ski accidents that fucked up my right knee. BUT I think my worst “injury” was a cyst that ruptured on my ovary when I was working a Superbowl Sunday at my restaurant. Was out of work for two/three weeks in total (kept trying to go back to work before I healed haha) and the pain I remember being so intense that even the IV of pain killers didn’t help - so I was like fuck it -- and went without drugs. Worse experience ever.
15. Do you have an obsession right now?
The Dame/Brian ship with @hellrager​ and all the related chaos on this blog. ♥♥ @a-goofy-zombie​ has also got me into a new ship too that is ruining me. </3 
16. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
Who wronged me? Not so much -- who wronged people I am fond of? Yes. Very much so. I wont ever forget if you mess with a friend of mine. I’m very patient when it comes to dealing with shit coming my way. Mess with a friend? and I become very unchill. 
17. In a relationship?
Nope 
Tagging: @hellrager​ @purpleshopkeep​ @shadow-of-fear-and-doubt​ @a-goofy-zombie​ @just-scared-of-everything​ @loveyourfears​ @gctproblems​ @seaprofound​
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betweengenesisfrogs · 7 years
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OFF-THE-CUFF HOMESTUCK POSTS #6: THE TRAGEDY (AND SECRET TRIUMPH) OF JADE HARLEY, OR: THE GNOSTIC GARDENER
DISCLAIMER       FRAMEWORK
[CHECK THE TAG FOR MORE THOUGHTS]
[Note: Content warning for brief mention of sexual abuse and longer discussion of perceived suicide and associated thoughts.]
Let's talk about Jade Harley.
A common feeling I've seen about the final chapters of Homestuck is that Jade Harley deserved better, that she suffered completely unfairly and arbitrarily in the final timeline.
I actually completely agree. Jade *absolutely* deserved better. Where I disagree is with the argument that Jade's suffering somehow shows Hussie is a bad writer.
I think it's important to recognize that good storytelling isn't always the same thing as happy storytelling. Some stories or parts of stories are *about* suffering. They're tragedy, a form of storytelling I'd define as an examination of a negative set of events: why they took place, why the characters involved couldn't escape them. Done well, this can be as meaningful as any happy ending.
I mean, there's a reason a bunch of Greeks wanted to watch a series of plays about a guy who accidentally marries his mother and then stabs his eyes out.
So when we're talking about good storytelling in Homestuck, i.e.: whether character arcs reach meaningful catharsis, we have to bear in mind that the bad shit that happens to our characters is sometimes the very subject of the story.
In other words, yes, Jade Harley deserved better.
That's the *entire point.*
Now, that said, I actually think Jade does have a happy ending, and a damn cathartic one. But we need to understand the unfair suffering she went through to understand why.  What I find fascinating about Jade's arc is that she confronts the tragic, suffering-causing aspects of SBURB and the domain of Lord English more directly than any other character and finds a way to become free of them. It's not that her suffering was in any way merited or right, it's that by rejecting that unfairness, she finds incredible self-affirmation, freedom, and escape in a way that makes her the most direct manifestation of Homestuck's Gnostic themes.
In the causes of her suffering, and in how that suffering is overcome, Jade Harley is the key to the deeper meanings of Homestuck.
The Absent Grandfather
As a person, Jade has suffered unfairly on more than one level. Her later tragedy echoes and recapitulates the tragedies of her childhood, which makes it all the more painful. To understand this suffering, we need to understand her relationship with her guardian, Grandpa Harley.
[A brief digression: at this point, I should probably mention a recent theory by mmmmalo that posits Grandpa Harley as a sexual predator and Jade as a victim of abuse. I feel bad even bringing it up, because mmmmalo seems like a really nice guy, and I really enjoy his work tackling Homestuck from a psychological/psychoanalytical perspective, but I just can't really buy this theory. For one, Grandpa isn't at all characterized as capable of that kind of evil. The closest we come are some dubious feelings about Grandpa from Dave that are clearly him projecting his own issues onto Jade (he's never even met her grandfather), and the odd fact that Grandpa obsessed portraits of beautiful blue women from beauty parlors--discomfiting, but ultimately kind of harmless, unless you really stretch it as a psychological metaphor. To my mind, there really isn't that much to substantiate anything worse here.
Furthermore, the Alpha kids, as ever, offer opportunities to understand the Guardians in more depth, and there's little reason to think Grandpa would be substantially different from Jake English. mmmmalo posits that in DBZ-esque fashion, Jake hitting his head turned him good, but I just don't buy it, especially when Jake's "head injury" isn't actually real--it's one of his excuses for avoiding his own failings. (See the Jane's birthday conversation for how this plays out.) For my money, Jake and Grandpa are pretty similar: nice enough people whose biggest flaw is avoiding responsibility by retreating into the landscape of their own fantasies.
Ultimately, this particular leap is too big a leap for me to take, particularly because I feel like it would need to be addressed on a textual level (like Bro's abuse was with Dirk and Dave) if it was meant to be taken as canonical fact. I feel like mmmmalo's theories are at their strongest when they focus on the psychological experiences of characters, rather than when they try to posit hidden secrets in the canon. The first just feels so much more useful and reliable for me as a method, at least. No shade to mmmmalo, though: I hope he keeps on writing his own brand of fascinating Homestuck analysis for years to come, because he's doing stuff no one else is and it always leads to exciting new approaches.]
Now, none of this is to say that Grandpa Harley never had a negative impact on Jade. Her childhood trauma actually concerns him very deeply. As we see in the scene where she imagines him dictating to her in the foyer, she's both nostalgic about her grandfather and angry with him. She's filled with conflicted feelings about him, positive and negative at once. But the harm comes across in a completely different way, a way that's deeply textually supported and fits with what we know about Jake English.
Jade thinks that her grandfather committed suicide.
At least, she does for the vast majority of her life, until Tavros explains otherwise.
At a whimsical tea party with a plush doll, Grandpa seemingly, from Jade's perspective, took his own life. Here's Jade telling the story: GG: i spent years wondering about it! GG: when i was REALLY young, i was sure the doll sitting across from him did it GG: and for a long time i was terrified of the evil blue girl!!! GG: she sort of haunted my childhood and i had trouble sleeping for a long time GG: but of course i got older and realized that was silly, but then i just speculated that maybe it was suicide GG: which was just a really sad thing to think about!!!
Understatement of the century. This moment shaped Jade's entire psychology. Those who have lost loved ones to suicide often report wrestling with a mixture of grief and anger: anger that they were left to pick up the aftermath. For Jade, this was a moment of abandonment. Her guardian, who should have been there to take care of her, took his life and left her alone on a deserted island with only her (admittedly magic) dog to help her survive. For years, she had to take care of herself, to serve as her own guardian in his absence. Grandpa should have been there, but he wasn't. The culmination of the "increasing stakes" of the Beta kids' guardians is that Jade's guardian is dead and gone.
The scene of Jade squaring off against her stuffed Grandpa in the foyer is thus, like many elements of Hussie's writing, played for both comedy and horror at once, a true Hussnasty grotesque.  For some time, Hussie builds up the mystery of Jade's guardian (using, I think, Dave’s remarks and Grandpa’s weirdness to build a sense of unease), only to shock the reader with an ugly revelation that carries echoes of horror-movie jump-scares.  The man in the foyer is no man, but a symbol of death, a skeleton, a mummy, a rotting corpse in the place where a protector should be.
Grandpa's fatal flaw is absence itself.
[This is maybe the psychological motif mmmmmalo's picking up on? I feel like you could very easily read Jade’s feelings of horror and disgust as an echo of this suicide, and thus see Lord English as a mythic echo of Grandpa's absence as much as his presence. That’s my take, anyway.]
Hence Jade's anger in the foyer. He has left her alone, forced her to take up the responsibilities he failed to uphold. She pretends he's alive and imagines him chiding her for not being prepared to face the wilds alone--a situation she knows he put her in. Hence her snapping back at the corpse that she's already perfectly prepared, thank you very much. The scene mixes nostalgia, grief and anger in the saddest way.
This fits with the way Grandpa is themed around DEATH. Not only is he a mounted corpse, his collections of knights, mummies, big game, and degraded beauty shop photos evoke history and the dead, echoing his undead presence in Jade's life. (They also suggest he carries memories of Jake's friends: an orange knight, a pink girl from a land of pyramids, and a blue beauty, furthering the connections between Grandpa and Jake.)
But Grandpa, like Jake, is also themed around FANTASY. Or ESCAPISM, perhaps. Grandpa lives the life of a millionaire explorer-physicist, the boy howdy rough-and-tumble existence that never existed out of Boys' Adventure Comics and Teddy Roosevelt. His trophies and relics suggest a life of constant fantasizing, a retreat into his own self-image to avoid facing the world. After all, if you move to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, you never have to interact with anyone else. This is astoundingly consistent with what we know of Jake's flaws: he constructs narratives to hide from responsibility and his own mistakes, from ignoring Jane's anger to ignoring the unaddressed issues in his relationship with Dirk to ignoring Jane's romantic interest in him the moment he finds a convenient excuse to do what he wanted to do anyway. Grandpa seems to be cast in very much the same mode, and his whimsical relics further the theme.  
For Jade, though, Grandpa's ESCAPISM has also been harmful. Because Grandpa left her what must have seemed the ultimate moment of escapism: a tea party with a stuffed blue doll. Think of what Jade must have thought later: that Grandpa went out lost in daydreaming about a beautiful blue girl. That maybe he planned that as a way to end it all. Her anger is fueled in part by the fact that he ran away from the responsibility of raising her, into his fantasy world instead.
Of course, as readers we know that's not true: Tavros was the one who, through Bec, shot the gun. But there's a grain of truth in Jade's perception of the situation: while not suicidal, Grandpa was being irresponsible. Lost in his silly tea party, he missed the fact that his granddaughter was about to shoot herself with a flintlock pistol. She was saved by Tavros's redirection, while he paid the ultimate price for his distraction.
So Grandpa's flaw, like Jake's, is one of absence and escapist irresponsibility, death and fantasy. Grandpa really did harm her by his absence. And in his absence, all he left her with was necessity.
Jade takes care of herself, because what else can she do? She feeds the dog. She does what she needs to do to survive. She goes about her day. She defines herself in opposition to her grandfather: if he was irresponsible, she will be responsible. She will do what's necessary, no matter what it takes.
And she represses the fuck out of her grief.
This is way buried for most of the time we know Jade, but it comes to the surface when we meet Jadesprite. See, in addition to having a reminder of her Grandfather's mortality, Jade has spent her life face to face with her own. Her dreamself, which represents the one place in her life where she let herself go along with fantasy and escapism, is already a stuffed corpse. Consciously or subconsciously, she knows that happy escapist world will also die. When she prototypes that body, though, she's acting out of responsibility and necessity as part of an effort to defeat the threat of Jack Noir. She expects that a version of herself will share that desire.
But Jadesprite presents what is to her the most nightmarish possibility: that she might prefer living in the fantasy to responsibility. She tries to comfort her alt-self at first, but quickly becomes disgusted that a version of herself could feel that way. But it's not surprising: Dream Jade was the only version of herself who could let herself lay down responsibility and necessity and admit to herself the extent of her fear. Unfortunately, this isn't the way Jade would like herself to be. Jadesprite is exactly what she represses. There's a seeming moment of catharsis when Jade and Jadesprite become one, but, as I've noted before, Hussie ultimately suggests that spritefusion isn't enough to fix what Jade struggles with.
None of this is Jade's fault. It's the way she's been shaped by the outside force of her grandfather's death. Her grandfather was flawed, she lives with the consequences, picking up the pieces of the loss, doing things out of necessity.
SBURB recapitulates that tragedy, forcing Jade to reckon with her trauma and her perception of her own relation to it.
The SBURBan Tragedy
Is SBURB evil? I used to see it that way. These days I'm not so sure. Conversations with revolutionaryduelist have shown me that, despite its dangerous side, SBURB is usually presented in a neutral light in canon, more amoral than deliberately cruel. It's a Game that can be put to different purposes. RD argues that SBURB is ultimately little more than an extension of its players' wills, and I find a lot of reasons to agree.
As I've argued before (particularly in my Self Pile Essay, though my feelings have evolved since), I strongly feel that the ending of Homestuck relies on a critique of SBURB, that it depicts the Game as inherently tragic. You wouldn't think this would jive with RD's notion of "do what you will," but I actually think these two perspectives can be easily reconciled. A Game that's an extension of everyone's wills can still have a tragic effect on its players, especially on those who don't realize their own power within the system. I'm sure we can all think of times when the wills of others were an oppressive force in our lives. Our critique of SBURB, then, is really a critique of the uses to which the Game has been put, by overpowering wills like that of Caliborn/Lord English, who makes the alpha timeline bend to him without realizing how much it echoes his own limitations.
Like Grandpa Harley, Lord English (the unseen conductor whose riddle is absence itself) forces others to reckon with the implications of his choices. The complex web of time loops and paradoxes LE leaves in his wake forces our heroes to act out of necessity and to take responsibility for their escape.
So while I might talk about SBURB in negative terms here, understand I'm talking about the mess of all the loops, all the implications of the many harmful wills and choices our kids have to deal with. Jade in some ways most of all.
Initially, Jade experiences SBURB as a positive force in her life. It allows her freedom and happiness; companionship among the people of Prospit while in her most optimistic, worry-free mindset. She participates in its necessities, its enforced time loops, not out of obligation but in connection to her dreaming happiness.
As the kids' game goes on, though, Jade loses Prospit and her dreamself, and loses, too, the easy release from herself that they represent. Like all the kids, she becomes aware of the threat of Jack Noir, and directs her responsible mind towards the necessity of dealing with him--leading of course, to her clash with Jadesprite. Later, this focus shifts to take in the true cause of everything that went wrong in their session: the unseen guiding hand of Lord English.
We all know what happens to Jade because of this. In the original timeline, all our kids' efforts fail, and all of them die in the events of Game Over, Jade first and most surprisingly. John retcons the timeline using his retcon powers, and achieves victory by changing the course of events. However, it's a victory that causes Jade to suffer deeply: in the final timeline, she loses and grieves John and Davesprite, her closest friends on the Battleship voyage, and for a time wonders if she was responsible for their horrifying, baffling death. Later, she learns from a mysterious sentinel (Alt-Calliope) that it was all part of a larger plan. This is a relief to her, but as much as she'd like it to, it doesn't erase her grief.
This is brutally, totally unfair. And that's the point.
I've seen folks point out that the retcon could have gone many other ways: for instance, merging the populations of the meteor and the battleship. That's true, but it misses the point a little, I think. The Retcon is an arbitrary solution to a large problem in Paradox Space, acting out of necessity to bring Caliborn's will to a close. Remember that John didn't choose how his retcon would go: he worked it out with the Game itself through his Denizen. Not only did the Game bring forth the very tools to end Caliborn and close his time loop, finishing what his will started, it also worked out the logistics of the timeline that would get them there. And that's the tragedy.
John had only the vaguest idea how his actions would affect Jade, knowing only that either he would die or people would grieve him. By working with his Denizen, he mastered his powers and managed to create a reality where everyone could escape the will of Lord English. But it created an awful situation for Jade, and indeed, he's horrified when he finds out that was the result.
For me, the victory our kids experience over Lord English and his will as manifest in SBURB isn't presented as an unambiguous one. Rather, it's triumph mixed with shades of tragedy. John's reformulation of reality has consequences. The loss of our kids' coherency of self (see the Self Pile) is one of them--I do think it's meant to be at least a little disconcerting that it's new versions of our beloved characters who get the victory.  And it's Jade who represents that tragic element the most, because she suffers the brunt of it. The fact that Jade suffers because of the Retcon tells us that for all the positivity of the final scenes of Homestuck, there's still a dark side to the system of SBURB.
Because there was never any point at which any of this took place outside the system of SBURB. It gave Caliborn what he wanted, and then took it back again, not because it had any intentions towards him, but because his will was self-defeating and self-limited. And through the Denizens, it gave our kids the escape they wanted: but they still had to deal with the necessity of responding to Caliborn's intentions, and perhaps SBURB'S own limitations, too. It could give them an escape, but not without certain consequences.
It's no coincidence that Denizens make a resurgence near the end of Homestuck. They are the Game's way of engaging in dialogue with its players, and they preside over every aspect of everyone's ending. Yaldabaoth gives Caliborn his deal, while Echidna signs off on the birth of the Genesis Frog once she's had a chance to inspect its guardians. Echidna is also the one who guides Alt-Calliope towards ending Caliborn's reign. And Typheus lets John become a retcon master so that he can win his friends their complicated victory.
Thinking about this has helped me make sense of a scene that initially baffled me. Near the end of Collide, the story turns absurdly positive: our kids win victory after victory over every opponent they were facing. And then, suddenly, disconcertingly, the scene begins to fade out and flash with static, while strange cries are heard. Then it freezes, and the mechanical contrivance that Hussie once used to represent Homestuck's Acts and narrative is all we can see, frozen in black and white.
Those strange sounds are the sounds that played in scenes with Denizens. And not just any Denizen: the specific whale-song we hear is the voice of Typheus, the Denizen who helped John negotiate his retcon and who, through blowing up a duplicate John and Davesprite on LOWAS, is the most directly responsible for Jade's suffering.
The message of the end of Collide, then, brought spectacularly home by this juxtaposition of victory poses and sudden distance, is that the victory achieved, while real, was negotiated by the systems of SBURB and Skaia every step of the way. This, too, is the message of the Spirograph that suddenly appears at the end of Act 7: our kids have left the Game for good, but the Game goes on without them, and always will.
Jade's experiences show what the costs of that might be.
The Gnostic Triumph of Jade Harley, Witch of Space
And yet.
And yet.
Jade also achieves victory. An even more powerful victory, in fact. In a deeply Gnostic moment, she confronts the arbitrary suffering of SBURB in a way none of the other kids ever do. She directly confronts the Game, and the cruel intentions unleashed through it by Lord English, by moving beyond them altogether and claiming her own agency.
It's Davepeta who helps her see it.
Once, Jade thought she was responsible for her friends' deaths. Later she learned from Alt-Calliope it happened as part of SBURB's cosmic plan. She was able to take some comfort in that: but it didn't keep her from her grief. When she meets Alt-Calliope again, Jade continues to try to make sense of her experiences through the lens of necessity, through the lens of a responsibility she has to fulfil.
Let's look closely at the difference between what Calliope says about the Space role, and how Jade interprets it for herself.
CALLIOPE: why the hurry? CALLIOPE: you have already proven your heroism in the moments when it was needed most. CALLIOPE: it is important to know when the greatest good is best served by remaining dormant. CALLIOPE: whether that burden is for close to eternity, or only a few more minutes. CALLIOPE: it is something to learn as a space player. CALLIOPE: space falls back. it yields. hosts the play silently. CALLIOPE: then, it roars to life when its time comes, showing all who is really the master. CALLIOPE: and so too when the time comes, it collapses in on itself, taking all else with it.
Calliope argues that Space is about patience, that patience itself is heroic. But Jade interprets this to mean that loneliness and suffering are a cross she must bear. As she says shortly afterward:
JADE: as a space player... someone who "falls back" as she said JADE: maybe being pushed aside by fate, and like JADE: being deprived of important people and experiences JADE: no matter how painful it is, or how much you feel like you need them JADE: i guess thats just how it goes for us JADE: i think i never appreciated how much of a burden your aspect was to you JADE: but i think im starting to get it now JADE: it just took a long time to figure out what mine really meant
But that's not what Calliope is saying. Alt-Calliope is talking about Space, to be sure, but she's talking about it in terms of her own role. Alt-Calliope is a very different person from Jade, one who is entirely comfortable with placing her identity and agency in the hands of necessity, with sacrificing everything for necessity. But what works for Alt-Calliope won't work for Jade. Jade needs friendships, needs her own life and happiness outside the Game in a way Alt-Calliope does not. (And a Muse of Space is a very different creature than a Witch of Space, a much more active and self-oriented role.)
And Calliope knows this, too. While she teaches Jade about her own understanding of Space, she doesn't ask that Jade follow her into the Green Sun, nor does she ask that Jade construct her life in the same exact terms. Again, it's Jade, not Calliope, who tries to suggest that losing all her friends is her Space-y burden to bear. Calliope, however, reminds Jade that they're very different creatures, and need different things:
CALLIOPE: you are still quite young, and your kind is soft. CALLIOPE: the ability to absolutely dominate is better housed in a being designed for seclusion, singularity of purpose, and remorseless resolve. CALLIOPE: it is too much for one like you.
(And here the domination Calliope's talking about isn't just Lord English's, but her own Muse of Space response to that domination, the reshaping of Paradox Space by falling back and then roaring to life.)
Calliope suggests that Jade might choose to go along with the sleep that keeps her from being a danger in the final fight, but she doesn't require it. Instead, she says:
CALLIOPE: if you must have advice, i will give you some similar to that i gave your other space-playing friend. CALLIOPE: i told her to live, where before she had not. CALLIOPE: so too, you are similarly imprisoned by various inertias. CALLIOPE: these weigh on you. CALLIOPE: you are a child, belonging to a race for which that distinction is understood to correspond with experiences of "enjoyment." CALLIOPE: perhaps you should try to have, CALLIOPE: "fun."
Calliope doesn't need what Jade needs. But she knows Jade is more than a means to an end. Jade needs fun, she needs friendship, and she needs happiness. Even though Calliope sees advantage in Jade remaining asleep, she goes out of her way to tell her about the alternate possibilities that might free her from imprisoning inertias.
This leaves Jade somewhat confused. She wants to make sense of her life in terms of the mandates and loops of SBURB/Lord English, fulfilling every necessity. But Calliope rejects that notion for Jade and emphasizes the difference between their species.
So when Davepeta comes along, Jade is wrestling with the strangeness of the Calliope encounter.
JADE: calliope said i was too strong or something JADE: but she also said i should have "fun" so JADE: i dunno JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment
She's trying to make sense of Calliope's offer while still trying to see herself in terms of necessity. Davepeta, though, rejects that completely. When Jade tells them her statement above, trying to describe herself in terms of someone who "has to" be pushed around by the rules of Space, Davepeta responds extremely skeptically:
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so THATS what space means? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < bein lonely??
Note the incredulous extra question mark. Jade continues to try to describe herself as someone who has to follow the mandates of others and systems outside her control. And yet as she talks about it, she reveals how dissatisfied she is with that notion of herself:
JADE: but i think that can be one of the results of gaining a deeper understanding of it JADE: or becoming connected to it more... JADE: i dunno, this stuff is all pretty mysterious :p JADE: i dont have it all figured out yet obviously JADE: i just feel pretty sad that as i get closer to understanding my abilities and true nature JADE: it apparently means being deprived of some important experiences JADE: like i get closer to my aspect, but further away from everyone i love, and further from... JADE: feeling like a person? JADE: its just a really empty feeling after a while JADE: empty like... JADE: space i guess JADE: heh
I don't think we're to take this as an absolute statement. While there's truth in Calliope's depiction of space as receptive and patient. I think we're to take these lines as Jade wrestling with her own feelings about the way she should be. Davepeta doesn't argue that Jade should accept this description of herself. Instead, Davepeta opens up a startling alternate possibility: that Jade is more than necessity, bigger than her circumstances, larger than her suffering. If Jade's suffering is an echo of the arbitrary unfairness of the way SBURB divides up our protagonists' selves to bring Lord English to an end, then Davepeta suggests that the key to escaping suffering is to see the self beyond those individual identities:
DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but you werent actually deprived of important experiences DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < stuff like us dating and johns stupid birthday parties and playing shitty ghostbuster mmos DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < that stuff all happened to you, its just you dont have access to the memories DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < they didnt happen to shape this particular version of yourself DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but they all played a role in helping like "greater jade" grow if that makes sense DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < everything that ever happens to every version of you is an important part of your ultimate self... like a superceding bodyless and timeless persona that crosses the boundaries of paradox space and unlike god tiers or bubble ghosts or whatever, it really IS immortal DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but in your physical form there are all these partitions in your mind that prevent you from remembering any of that which makes your existence f33l totally linear DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < which is probably for the best! DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in a regular body s33ing all that would be too overwhelming DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < in an advanced sprite form like mine tho its fine DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < i guess the same spritey magic that makes it possible to suddenly understand so much is also what makes it possible to make it bearable all at once DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < not even just bearable actually sorta liberating and cool DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < and after it sinks in for a while you start coming to this understanding of a greater self
AVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < im not COMPLETELY sure because im not like some sort of ASPECT MASTER but DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < my avian slash feline intuition tells me that all roads will lead you here eventually DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < gaining the d33pest possible understanding of any aspect will bring you to the same final conclusion about your ultimate self DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < so maybe thats starting to happen for you too DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < the space aspect sounds like a hard and lonely road to travel... i think they probably all are DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < but youre gettin there jade DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you are doing great and im so proud of you!
Once again, this isn't Davepeta saying that Jade needs to be happy about what's happened to her--they acknowledge that living in SBURB is painful, a hard and lonely road for anyone of any aspect. But seeing oneself as this "ultimate self" allows one to see a bigger picture, to find meaning in one's actions even when buffeted by what seems to be the cruelty of fate. In a Game whose tragedy is that divides people up into different manifestations of themselves, each going to an arbitrary fate, that's the way to find victory, to find happiness beyond each tragedy. That's the balance that Homestuck's ending is deeply concerned with, and Jade Harley represents it all: both the suffering and the remedy.
Davepeta's proud of her for coming this far. I'm proud of her, too.
But does this understanding work for Jade? Does it free her from the way she saw herself as an instrument of fate, a tool of necessity? I think it does. Because after talking with Davepeta, Jade starts to live her life differently.
We see this clearly in Collide and the events leading up to Collide. Jade was ready to accept that she had to stay asleep merely because it was what others expected of her. But Davepeta convinces her that she should wake up if she wants to wake up:
JADE: i guess im just waiting around for the right moment DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < nah thats dumb DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < you should be able to do whatever you want JADE: really? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < well at least she was right about the having fun part DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe thats what she meant?? DAVEPETASPRITE^2: B33 < maybe she was leaving it up to you in a mysterious way JADE: leaving what up to me? JADE: the decision to wake up?
Davepeta's message to Jade, informed by their deep understanding of life beyond one lifetime, is that Jade can do things for herself, rather than do them as a reaction to necessity. And the secret is that that choice makes all the difference.
Jade does choose to wake up, and after waking up, rejects any idea that she should go back to following necessity, or other people’s commands:
DAVE: jade DAVE: god dammit DAVE: GO BACK TO SLEEP! JADE: NO WAY!!!!! :P
JADE: i am very much awake! JADE: and i intend to stay that way :)
Jade chooses to take Calliope up on her offer: she chooses to go have fun. For the first time, she pursues her goals completely and utterly for her own reasons. She chooses to take on the mission of dealing with the Omnidogs Bec Noir and PM...pretty much because she wants to. And she does it in her own way: she doesn't get in a fight, but plays with her dogs, recreating the fun times in her life with Bec by warping around and dancing around in the sky with them.
While she ends up getting punched out by PM, it's mostly comic: she isn't hurt or upset--she had a fun time, and did what she wanted to do. She's asserting her own agency, not responding to the will of anyone else, be it Lord English, Dave, John, or any of the other players. She takes on SBURB's boss mechanics in her own terms and enjoys herself doing it. And what she's able to achieve by this is *reshaping the rules of the Game.* Because of her, PM beats Bec Noir. For the first time in the known history of SBURB, White beats Black, Prospit beats Derse, entirely thanks to her presence. This change is subtle but huge. It represents what Jade's doing on a cosmic level: she's creating the Game, creating her reality, for herself, not responding to anyone else's intention, but putting forth her own to shape the world.
The Gnostics of ancient times said that the material world we lived in was merely an illusion created by the tyrant Yaldabaoth, and that all we needed to do to escape his tyranny was to look within ourselves. Because we were made of the same stuff as the True God, filled with the same wisdom as Sophia, and if we could truly know ourselves, could know exactly who we were, we could walk back through the gates into the Garden of Eden, knowing that we were God, part of a true divine reality bigger than anything Yaldabaoth could understand.
So, too, does Jade Harley, GardenGnostic, in that moment, know that she is bigger than anything that once defined her. Not her grandfather's death and failings, not her role as a link in the prophecies of Skaia, not Jack Noir, and not the limitations of a single Jade in a tragic timeline. None of those things define her. She is greater still, the JADE beyond Jades, and she has just as much power to make SBURB, to make all of Paradox Space what she wants it to be as any would-be tyrant. She stares Lord English in the eye, and knows she is as great within this contest of wills as he is. They all are.
And that makes Jade a little bit different from her fellow gods: she knows in full what the rest of them are only beginning to understand.
When we next see Jade after Act 7, in the Credits sequence, we see her growing plants again after a long time away from her garden, returning to her own personal Eden, and we see her spending time with John, Dave, and Karkat--all the people that she loves.
Knowing who she is, she has escaped all the inertias that once bound her, and is turning reality into what she wants it to be.
In the world of SBURB, that's the way to find a happy ending.
[Next time: Maybe I’ll do that reception of the ending thing I promised last time? Or maybe not? Maybe I’ll be too busy playing Hiveswap? Maybe life is full of infinite delicious possibilities, and we’re all riding this magic train out to the Pleroma together? Who knows, man. Who knows.]
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ghostly-harmless · 8 years
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tag meme
I got tagged by @theghostielord so gather round for some personal details my dudes
1. Are you named after someone?
I’m sorta named after katharine hepburn, also just cause my mom liked the name
2. When was the last time you cried? A couple weeks ago cause I nearly failed a stats exam and I can’t cope with struggling l m a o
3. Do you like your handwriting? I have a love hate relationship with it. it’s distinctive, but also barely legible
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? turkey? idk my taste in food is boring
5. Do you have kids? fucc no
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? i’m not even friends with me. I don’t understand her. what does she want
7. Do you use sarcasm? Like an artist uses their chosen medium
8. Do you still have your tonsils? i mean I never saw them come out so.......I hope yes......
9. Would you bungee jump? get a few stiff drinks in me and i’ll think about it
10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? trix, idc if they’re for kids bitch, i’m a child of god
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no??? fuck I look like. I just fling em off and let future me deal with em
12. Do you think you’re a strong person? well I don’t hate pain (as evidenced by my 10 piercings and 1 tat) and I don’t scare too easily but I also hate arguments and can’t stand up for myself so. 50/50
13. What is your favorite ice cream? sea salt caramel truffle 
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? definitely fashion sense and hairstyle. i’m weak for thick fluffy hair and a bangin wardrobe
15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? eh i’m really annoyingly short and I wish I didn’t have such an overtly “feminine” body?? like i’m really small and curvy and I wish I was more lanky and androgynous
16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? I am actually wearing a long purple skirt and black leather platform boots. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
17. What are you listening to right now? fire meet gasoline by sia bc honestly it’s a #bop and idk how I never heard it on the radio or anything
18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Black, what the hell else
19. Favorite smell? probably musk incense, rain, and sunscreen
20. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? some stadium employee who informed me that the panic at the disco show in my state was sold out. guess who’s literally gonna traverse state lines for a singing nerd in a sparkly tux? me, but you can call me Desperate Binch
21. Favorite sport to watch? gonna have to agree with lavi and say drag shows (tbh voguing should be considered a sport if it’s not already)
22. Hair color? black
23. Eye color? blue
24. Do you wear contacts? yes this bitch is blind!!!! 
25. Favorite food to eat? girl scout cookies, pizza, samira wiley, chinese, japanese 26. Scary movies or comedy? comedy when smoking, horror when drinking
(an aside: i was at about a 9/10 while watching It Follows for the first time and I about pissed my shit. did not sleep that night, will not make that mistake again)
27. Last movie you watched? Pulp fiction. i’d seen it before but we’d been playing monopoly so I missed like all of it
28. What color of shirt are you wearing? black tank
29. Summer or winter? winter. GA summer can fuck off with its sweaty buggy ass
30. Hugs or kisses? hugs, unless you’re one of like four people and then kisses are ok
31. What book are you currently reading? i’m finishing up Detective Pony (which is a homestuck fic, but??? also one of the most thought provoking, punishing, all around weirdest pieces of metafiction i’ve read in a long time but I HIGHLY recommend it)
32. Who do you miss right now? a couple of people, some old buddies
33. What is on your mouse pad? i have a trackpad like a civilized human? mouse pad? fuck is this? the 90s? yo brah i got five tamagotchis and they’re each named after a spice girl
34. What is the last TV program you watched? it’s always sunny in philadelphia
35. What is the best sound? nicki’s verse
36. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? both overrated. next
(also I just realized i’ve never seen mick jagger look anything but a thousand years old. his wikipedia says he’s 73. how long has he been 73?)
37. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Peru
38. Do you have a special talent? I can sing, which you would very much not guess from my voice
39. Where were you born? jawja
So I’m just gonna tag folks now. @dude-im-not-a-spam-blog @balroxelle @99-problems-but-a-dick-aint-one @dreamofthefallen @j4ck-of-4ll-f4ndoms @oakagainsthumanity @cosmic-marigolds @viridis-cervidae
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