#ravenstodaisies

[ravenstodaisies]

Hey, Daisy.

Sorry it’s been a month since I last wrote even though we initially agreed for this to be a once a week thing. I told you that because writing letters wasn’t set in a routine, I’d forgotten about it.

So. That wasn’t the whole truth. Not exactly.

The truth is this: it’s been getting hard. I say this also knowing that I have a tendency to minimize how I feel, even to myself. I don’t know what it was about today, but it all kind of just poured out of me.

Six hours. I cried for six hours. I didn’t even know you could cry that long.

I don’t really know what’s wrong, is the thing. I mean, everything’s kind of wrong, everywhere, and here too, but at the same time nothing terrible has happened to me. Nothing recent, at least. So nothing’s really wrong, right?

But how can I even begin to explain that? That this wrongness I’m crying about is still real, even when nothing has technically happened. I mean, anything that has happened is routine for me, even if it’s not necessarily normal. I’m used to it. There’s a comfort in that predictability because I know how to deal with it. If this happens, then I do that. Simple. Quick. Easy. I don’t even have to think.

But…this? There’s no…routine, no plan for this. I don’t even know what this is.

I’ve been trying to soothe myself. To get lost in writing and daydreaming about the half-baked worlds in my head, or in the elaborate worlds of someone else. To idle in a tavern in that game I play, on a character that no one knows about, and listen to bards pluck strings to nostalgic songs. To have long, silly talks with friends into the night about things—objectively stupid things, things you don’t have to think too hard about, like how one person giving me hydration tips told me I should sip water instead of chug. ‘I am not a frat boy’ is now a mantra I repeat to myself every time I try to slow down on the water chugging.

It doesn’t always help—I mean, not really. It’s like trying to seal a leak with paint. It’ll work for a time, cosmetically at least, but eventually the water’s going to build up and trickle right through.

Paint is all I have right now though, so it’s what I’ll use.

I hope this letter doesn’t dampen your mood. I think I’ve worried that I’d be too negative when we corresponded like this, because, and here’s another truth: I’m rarely ever happy. The last time I was truly happy, I was overseas on a beach, surrounded by people who loved me without the conditions that matter to everyone else. I was alive, and I was with them, and that was enough. Now it feels like a mirage. Something that happened at some point in time that I’m now far removed from. I can’t really remember what it feels like (I remember distantly feeling like my chest was glowing and warm), but I miss it.

There’s some good news. I get to see you tomorrow, and it’s been a while, and I think I really need to anyway. It's the one thing that I've been looking forward to. Isn't it weird how things align like that, sometimes?

Raven P.S. How are your crow friends doing? Did you manage to earn their trust? And, if the universe is conspiring for you to fail, then I'm going to go ahead and kick its ass. I have a feeling it has some stuff cooked up for you, though. The good kind of stuff, because after a shitstorm...insert something about rainbows. Maybe we should go leprechaun chasing, as insurance.

[ravenstodaisies]

Dear Raven,

I'd say my week has had a similar vibe. Kind of stressful yet mundane at the same time. My biggest news of the week is that I am officially a resident of the new area I moved to. I was finally able to get my learner's license transferred. When I found out last week that I would have to do another knowledge test I was sent into a bit of an anxious spiral. I mean it has been about 9 years since I last did one. As per usual it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I ended up getting all the questions right and it only took me about 15 minutes. Leave it to me to catastrophize and then end up getting a perfect score.

Like you, I also have no update on my own job search. Should I be putting more effort into it? Very much so yes. Do I feel like I have the mental energy to do so? Not at all. Unfortunately, I will have to push through the lack of motivation as my financial situation demands it.

To be honest I have reached the point where I feel as though the universe is conspiring for me to fail. Like it has decided I am not worth giving a chance. It has gotten to the point where when things don't work out for me it doesn't phase me at all because I was expecting it not to anyway. I know that is not true and that attitude does nothing to benefit me. I am trying to adjust my mindset but frankly, I am just too exhausted.

I have been trying to at least occupy some of my time with hobbies. I have been sketching, writing, and modeling with clay. While I have enjoyed doing these things none of them have really kept my attention for long.

Something new which I have found I enjoy doing is befriending the crows. Every couple of mornings they stop by outside on the front lawn and I toss them a couple handfuls of walnuts then watch them eat from afar. I tried to give them some apple but they were not thrilled about it. I think I will try a bunch of different foods until I find a few things they enjoy. For now, I at least know that walnuts are a favourite. They have already started to become less wary of me.

It really is hard to believe that it has been over a month since we last saw each other. It's funny you should mention seeing a Captain America figurine and thinking of me because I saw a Loki bag the other day and thought of you. I know we've gone longer than a month without seeing each other before but I still miss you. It's hard knowing it may be many more months until we see each other again. It is sad but I know it's just a matter of waiting and we will see each other again.

I hope the week ahead will be good for both of us!

Daisy

[ravenstodaisies]

Dear Daisy,

Just when I thought my week was going to be dull, I got a frantic e-mail from the place I edit for. Deadlines were two weeks ago, so I was surprised it took this long for the team notice any errors, but well. What can ya do? It turns out they had forgotten to send over a few written works and asked how long it would take me to rank them alongside the others. They said I could take as long as I liked, courtesy of their own mix-up.

I don’t usually mind unexpected things like this, but when a whole process moving forward is contingent on you getting work done quickly and efficiently, it’s admittedly stressful. I’m confident I can get these done in a week if I push it, but I’m asking for two just in case. Never know when life’ll throw you in for a loop, and these stories deserve as much attention and care as the others got. Not the authors’ faults, but doing the work over again is frustrating.

There’s no update on the job search, sadly. The place I got an interview for is pausing their hiring process, which I later found out was because of strikes. I support strikes, obviously. Workers deserve fair pay and the cost of living right now is certifiably insane—but it still sucks that it all had to happen right now. I’m applying to other things in the meantime. Have heard nothing else so far. I briefly thought about taking bartending classes, then saw from bartenders on Reddit that those things are a waste of time and money. We’ll see if the bartending avenue leads anywhere, because no one wanted an editor with less than two years’ experience. Job searching is super fun.

On another note, I’ve been reading The Handmaid’s Tale, because the usual high fantasies aren’t cutting it for me lately. I’m getting tired of being drenched in a whole lot of lore that I need to keep track of and wanted something a little more straightforward and…realistic? Or, I guess way less lore-heavy is more what I’m trying to say. A lot of the themes in that book are sadly relatable. I’m not going to lie, it’s a heavy read, but it’s also something that’s consumed me. Half the time when I pick it up, I can’t put it down, and I don’t often get that feeling. A while ago, I made it a goal to read a whole bunch of books that have, at some point, been on a ban list, mostly out of curiosity, and this is the first one I’ve deliberately picked up from that list. Mainly because it was the only one I owned. But also because many people in the book sphere are saying it is an essential read right now.

This area has always been a perpetual dumpster fire, but lately it’s been even worse. I’m trying my hardest not to obsess over the news, though it’s hard when it’s all being shoved in my face. Constantly. It’s just frustrating when politics nowadays seems to be less about taking care of the people and more about sticking it to the other party.

It’s a clown show. With shitty popcorn. And instead of making animal balloons, the clowns just pop each other’s and make all the kids cry.

I hate clowns.

Anyway.

I don’t know how to end this off. It’s a little weird to think I haven’t seen you in over a month. I saw a figure of Captain America eating what I think was shawarma and it reminded me of you. And then I got sad. And now I’m sad again. Ew.

What’s up on your end?

Raven