#really dont like being on adderall and cant get vyvanse so im trying to not be on anything
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i feel like my executive functioning is getting better. i still have a long way to go, and i still feel overwhelmed when i think of all the things that need done that i haven't gotten to. but we're getting there.
#i also haven't been on my meds which is HUGE#really dont like being on adderall and cant get vyvanse so im trying to not be on anything#again i still am struggling with certain things but im making progress and trying to get better.#hoping to finish deep cleaning the kitchen tomorrow#and maybe this week I'll get caught up on laundry finally#also need to brush the cat...#still struggling with figuring out how ppl have time for all these things they gotta juggle#i just accepted a volunteer social media position with a local lgbt group and im really afraid of fucking it up.#it's luckily pretty low pressure but this is the first big step towards building a portfolio and im scared!!!!#im also working on certifications and trying to go to the gym regularly and socialize and idk man! it's a little overwhelming at times!#this is a lot of tag rambling im sorry its really late and i can't sleep!#moral of the story is we're getting better it's just hard!
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vent// tw ed
I know i dont want to get addicted to vyvanse and i am doin my best to be careful with it and i have t involved so like i dont think he'd even let me get closed to going off the rails with it. (Which is kinda disappointing tbh cuz i love my secret addictions) its just that when i dont take it i go back to baseline which is really tremendously tired all the time. I take vitamins, i walk to work, i try to be active when i can and im drinking less coffee and more tea but i still have Depression underneath it all so that kinda rlly sucks.
I have disordered eating issues and taking vyvanse makes it so im not so worried about my hunger and i dont binge as much. Its literally used to treat BDE so that makes sense... but if I dont respond to hunger queues i end up going in the Opposite Direction.
Its frustrating because I dont have time to work out for real. Because of my work/sleep schedule theres no time to go to a gym, and my mother starves me because shes on adderall herself so she never buys groceries so when I do have a full meal its too much and not very good for me. So im stuck in this binge purge cycle ( i have a laxative problem ) and theres no real end in sight until i move out.
I want to be able to work out / eat well so bad. I know how much it would improve my life and my mental health. I know i should return to treatment for a multitude of reasons, but i have tremendous mistrust for the mental health system.
I dont care about school and i want to spend my free time doing things i actually enjoy, but i have to stay in school because my parents are controlling about it so i cant even resconsider that until i move out.
I feel like if i dont get out of here something bad is gonna happen to me and man im so sick of being strong and just dealing with it and i dont know how to accurately express how dire it is!!!
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