#refreshyourrelationship

[refreshyourthoughts]

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Wayne Dyer

[refreshyourthoughts]

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

Socrates

[refreshyourthoughts]

How my marriage evolved into a happy one

I got married when I was 23 and this year we’ll be celebrating our 13th year of marriage. I have met my husband online 2 years before we got married. We were crazy in love, couldn’t stay away from each other and couldn’t get enough of each other. 

That all changed when our first son was born a few months after we got married. He suddenly changed his “best boyfriend ever” hat to the “best provider ever” hat. I have later understood that, at that time he realized that he was on his own, with no financial or moral support from anyone, and he was suddenly responsible for the well being of himself, a wife still in university, a new baby and a household. Being new to Canada and starting his tile business from scratch, he started working very long hours, and when he didn’t work, he did research to grow his business, all the paperwork necessary to have his business in good standing and, of course, he was tired all the time and slept a lot.

I, on the other hand, experienced that time in our life from a completely different perspective. The two and a half years before I had my first son were the best years of my life so far. Having been raised in a traditional manner where my parents were very protective and having very few friends, I felt that I have started to live life to its fullest only after I have met him. In my naive mind at the time, I thought that a baby will only be a happy addition to our life. We would still go out and spend time together, but with one more person next to us. As you know, after having a baby your life changes completely, and I found myself suddenly alone all the time, with a baby stitched to my hip and inside the house most of the time. I have interpreted his absence as regret for having married me, a means to get away from us and a way to accomplish his dream of being massively rich. I was only thinking of myself, how I was feeling and how my needs were not being met by him.  Thinking back, I was so selfish and I was blaming him for my unhappiness. 

So, in the first years of our marriage we argued a lot, divorce came into discussions many times and it felt like we were living separate lives. I was always asking him to work less and spend more time with us, and his answer was always that this is what he is supposed to do in order for us to build a happy and prosperous life. I was always unhappy and looking to confront him, and he always would tell me to not be like that because it will get better. I didn’t believe him, because I thought that our love will die, we have to work hard to maintain the flame because I have been thought that love dies in time. He kept assuring me that love doesn’t die. I have accused him of not loving his son, because he was not spending time with him. He was telling me that he was doing it for his son, so that he wouldn’t start his life from nothing like his dad.

I strongly believe that his patience and perseverance brought us to where we are today. He, later on, told me that he was able to hang in there with all the nagging and negativity, because he put himself in my shoes and understood where I was coming from and he was willing to wait until I was able to understand. And that is exactly what happened. 

In time, I’ve learned from him to try to see things from his perspective too, before accusing him of any injustice towards me. He did not enjoy working endless hours and being away from us, but he did what he had to do. So now we never fight about money (as so many couples do, unfortunately), we are financially stable and our kids will get a head start in life.

I’ve learned from him that, if I try my best to make him happy, this will convert into my happiness. During that time, I made sure to show him with every occasion how unhappy I am and attacked him every chance I got. In turn, he kept trying to make me happy with little things like taking me out once in a while, supporting me with anything I wanted to do, encouraging me to do what makes me happy like going to events, meeting up with friends, quitting the job I hated, buy the things I liked etc.

I’ve learned from him that others’ advice on how a marriage should be, does not necessarily apply to us. I was telling him that we should do this and that because that’s what married couples do. His answer was that we should do whatever makes sense for us and to our goals in life. For example, we didn’t need a joint chequing account at the time because I was not making any money (still in school) and didn’t pay any bills.

I’ve learned from him that love doesn’t die when you want the best for your other half and support them in everything. Selfishness is what kills love.

I’ve learned from him to always show appreciation for all the big things and the little things he does for me. He always notices and says something to acknowledge and appreciate or to thank me for every little thing and everything I do for him, the kids or the house, This motivates me to continue doing so, to appreciate hime more and it also makes me love him a little more each time.

I’ve learned from him to do things with love and passion, or not do them at all. He was always able to taste my resentment from the first bite of my cooking and would ask me " You cooked this in silent protest, right? I can go buy dinner, if you don't enjoy cooking for me."

I’ve learned from him that in life you can’t do only what you want, unless you’re alone. Some sacrifices need to be made in order for both to be happy. We both had to give a little sometimes to the other’s gratification. We have two dobermans now, and I love them but I don’t really enjoy taking care of them. I do it because I see the ecstasy in his eyes when he’s playing with them. 

He learned from me that sometimes you have to live the moment. I’m a big adherent of Carpe Diem! He recently realized that there are moments in life that will never get back. He realized that things like going out and having fun while you’re young or spending time with your son while he’s little, cannot be postponed.

He learned from me that there is a need for some balance in life. Not all the highs must be the highest and all the lows the lowest, sometimes the middle ground is best.

He learned from me that life can be enjoyed too, it should not be all a struggle for survival. I always say that when the priest said “Be there for better and for worse”, my husband heard only the “worst” part. He was always there in my worst moments, but rarely in my best ones. Now, he is more willing to go on family vacations or take time to spend it together.

So, our journey was a tumultuous one, but we have learned from each other and moulded after each other, and now, after 15 years together, we’re still in love with each other, we rarely fight and we can read each other’s thoughts just from a look. If you are struggling in your relationship, be kind and patient because it will pay off in the end!

[refreshyourthoughts]

Every Woman

I’ve found this poem that resonated with me and I would like to share with you. It beautifully encompasses what a strong woman is and what we should all strive to achieve. Here it goes: A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems! , and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored... A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change t he length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing... EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...

Author: MAYA Submitted By: Helena Beisel https://www.scrapbook.com/poems/doc/21767.html