#rewatching marble hornets was a good idea I’ve decided

[searabbitz]

I completely forgot Jay like breaks into the same house twice over the course of three entries

[the-operated]

Striving For Normal

Drabble incoming!

You can’t just tell a kid he’s crazy.   But even if you don’t tell them, they know. They can tell, by how you look at them. That look of pity in your eyes.

I tried to go to school eventually. After I was out of the hospital. I got into a lot of trouble for being late to class. I’d get this feeling in my chest and run to the bathroom. I hid, not like teenagers approach someone who’s crying. Not in highschool, not in the men’s bathroom.    Not that I wanted to be found. I desperately, DESPERATELY wished to come off as normal. Maybe if I said it enough I’d believe it and I’d just become normal.

     I sort of did, too. I managed to believe myself after a while. I still broke down though, and I hated myself every time. I’d hit myself a lot, or bang my head on a wall, anything. Trying to beat it out of my skull. The voices and visions they could medicate. Depression was a little different. I ‘got better’ in the hospital and got out so I could be out. I was fine with taking meds for the voices, they were terrifying.   That’s all I can ever remember about the voices.            Never really remember what they said to me. I remember lots of yelling.

  School was hell but isn’t that normal? Probably the most normal thing I went through I guess.

   Graduated high school. What the hell do I want to do with my life? I was always fair on the drums, took lessons for a little while. I decided to try and make music. Took acting as a minor because why not cash in on my ability to lie to people by smiling?

    I managed to get a fast food job, something simple. Took me a long while, but I was able to get a dorm room with someone. That’s how I met Brian. He was that kind of cool extrovert that all introverts in high school wished to be. He didn’t really ask questions.      Though since I have seizures I was kind of inclined to tell him. Just in case.

  He helped me through a few seizures, but definitely not all of them. Probably a good 2% of them. My medication helps with the convulsions, it doesn’t exactly prevent them.     Makes it a little less hellish I guess.           I don’t have a whole lot of memory when it comes to seizures. Thankfully I didn’t have any influx of them during College or anything. At first anyway..

My seizures generally end with me being really out of it. Like REALLY EXTREMELY out of it. Memory loss, paralysis, headaches.    Headaches I get randomly, pretty much every day. It’s how I tell if I’ve taken my meds or not, generally. Aside from coughing and seizures. Headaches though? They just.. Appear. Especially if I’m stressed or my mental state gets screwed. If I have a psychotic break I’m going to have a headache for some time.

Eventually Brian and I found Alex. I’d heard of him in passing for a while, something about auditions for something. We stopped at the auditions one day and I got roped into it.   Why not. Marble Hornets.

Marble Hornets was a shitfest.     Bad writing,     Kind of awful filming     Even for a student film it was.. Really bad.

Keep in mind that at this point I’d found medication for my other issues as well. Namely my anxiety.

    Then out of nowhere? I wake up in my car feeling sick. My left arm can barely move, everything is shaky and blurry. I finally get some movement and I feel my head because the headache is worse than normal this time.   Look at my hand and of course there’s blood.           Because I apparently can’t have nice things.

     I get myself the hell to a hospital because I’ve dealt with doctors before. My memory is generally fairly fuzzy even after blackouts, but I do remember the hospital. I had a concussion, had to stay overnight.   Now a good time to mention that I really hate hospitals?        They just smell wrong.

   Anyway, I went back to school. I don’t really know how long I was gone. Got reprimanded at my job and by my teachers, but I was.. Okay.

    Alex was always shitty to work with but it just kept getting worse, and then he just.. Dropped it. Brian and I didn’t really see him much anymore. We were too focused. I’d gotten an apartment, a better job. I was getting better after that little relapse.

  Then Jay shows up. Asks me a few questions about starting up Marble Hornets again. Told him what I knew, read from a script or something. Thought it was weird but I moved on with my damn life. I forgot about it easily.       Forgot about redoing the stupid movie.

   Then, years later? I start blacking out again. Frequently. Randomly.  No idea why. Talked to my doctor about it, talked to a therapist. I spent hours at home crying, trying to figure out why this is happening me. Why.       I moved meds again, started taking a slightly heavier dose too.   It helped until it started going missing.

Something really awful happened.      I blacked out apparently for weeks.

I woke up.     In some random fucking building in the woods.            With my leg SMASHED. I remember waking up in pain, looking down at my leg. I remember trying to stand, then I blacked out again.    I don’t know what happened.       When I woke up again I was in a hospital, being questioned by doctors as to how my leg got smashed and why I didn’t come sooner.    I pretty much ignored their questions. I kind of ran. Well, figuratively.

I got away from it all, for a while.

Then guess what...

     Jay, holding his camera, approaching me in front of the building I see my therapist in. Talking about Marble Hornets again. Thought it was weird, but I indulged him. Got him the tapes I had left over. They were in my freaking attic for whatever reason. Why he was wasting his time on Marble Hornets I have no idea, but I didn’t care.       I didn’t care until he asked me to go back to that hospital.

I’m too good at lying. I’m too good at not letting on that I’m not okay.

    I said fine. I took him there. I got that awful feeling in my stomach, my leg kept hurting too. I get ghost pains a lot in that leg. It never really healed right considering I left the hospital early.   Before I knew it we were chasing some random guy through the abandoned buildings.

I left because NO.      No I’m not doing this again.              I’m not risking another fucking relapse. But I wanted to know what the hell was going on.

     So eventually I gave in, looked up Marble Hornets. There was a youtube channel.

         Suddenly it all made sense, and not in a good way.    I’ll admit. I cried a lot. I can’t tell if they were good tears or what.       I felt a little relieved, knowing at least what had happened to me.

       I was angry. Why the hell didn’t Jay just tell me? Why didn’t he leave me the hell alone?!                             I was getting better. I was okay. I was normal. Finally.

He wanted to know more. He wouldn’t stop.      Wanted me to call him. So I did. Set up a meeting.    Clocked him across the jaw.

     I shouted at him for a good while about staying the HELL out of my life, talked about how he’s probably the reason I was relapsing again. Yelled for a good long while. Glad I knocked the stupid camera out of his hand too because I was angry to the point of tears. Not a fan of crying in front of people. Guess it doesn’t matter now.

I told him to stay the hell away from me, and I went home.

    Wouldn’t it be great if it ended there?

No. No it got worse.

   I started to have more panic attacks. Called my doctor in the middle of the night, apparently. I couldn’t get to my meds in time. Had a seizure, broke down, blacked out.

     Woke up outside of some random cabin in the woods, Jay approaching me as I finally get movement back in my limbs.   At that point it became painfully obvious that I wasn’t getting out of this. This is my life now.      Great.

We went our separate ways. Went back to my job, I was lucky I wasn’t fired really...      Either way, got back in touch with him and started to plan. Or trying to plan.

  The idiot had found a file with my personal medical history inside and decided “Hey maybe I should post this to the fucking internet” Because of course he did.    Kind of growled at him about that...

But lingering on it wouldn’t help much so instead, we planned. on going back to Rosswood. Because of course.

       We went back, he walked me through some stuff that happened which was surprisingly therapeutic for me. It’s nice to know things you forgot doing.   Unfortunately it didn’t last long at all.

I blacked out again and let me tell you, rewatching the tape from the chest mounted camera is still something that haunts my nightmares.    Just.. The screaming..                      I almost drowned..       I found some guy. His head was barely even there, it was disgusting. Terrifying.

I took him back to the hospital. I had to tell him.

    What if it’s all my fault? God I hate myself.. What if I’m the one that caused all of this? This thought continuously haunts me. To this day it’s sitting in the back of my mind. Fueling breakdowns and self harm..   It’s not healthy.

I told him everything. Sad backstory time..     Told him about living in the hospital as a kid.         I’d always run to Rosswood Park.

  I fucking hate Rosswood Park.

Something sort of productive came out of it though, found another tape. I was incredibly frustrated though, because that hooded asshole showed up. The one that snuck in and filmed me having a seizure.    I really wanted to punch that guy...

We go out to the park again and that’s when Jay started. Well, that’s when I noticed. Maybe if I’d noticed sooner.

     He was starting to hallucinate. I couldn’t see it at first but god I wish I had. I could have helped him I could have convinced him to start on the medication. It’d been sort of helping me through all this. Helped me not black out. Long as I didn’t run out.

      We found tapes in the woods with some weird stuff on them. Decided to go back to Alex’s old house.

    My memory’s pretty shaky on this particular event, but I remember Jay. I remember that he had a seizure and I didn’t. I remember staring at that t h i n g. It didn’t have a face but it was staring at me.        I swear I see it in my window sometimes. If I haven’t taken my meds..

I helped him through it.. I kind of have some experience with this sort of thing, so I knew what to do.

   After a seizure, with me at least, once I’ve calmed down I get sort of.. Weird. Like my mind is in limbo but I sort of follow commands? If you told me to do something I would try. Might take me a bit but I’ll try.       Apparently it’s the same for Jay. Or this Operator thing gives everyone the same kinds of seizure. Or only targets people with certain mental illnesses. I don’t give a shit at this point.

I made sure he ate, hydrated, all the healthy stuff, but he wasn’t coming back to me. For a few days he was in that dissociation limbo. So I decided to give him some of my meds.

     It worked but he got mad when I mentioned the medication. His paranoia was getting worse and I guess I was too late to stop it by then. I’d found a tape of the hooded man in my house. Stealing my meds again.   Alex was there, so that was the plan then.

  I managed to get Jay a doctor’s appointment, kind of. I got him to the place, who knows what he actually told them. Paranoia does shit to your brain, you’re afraid of everyone. Thinking they might hurt you. He might have lied to them and said things were fine.

Went back to my house, got some extra medication from a stash. Sometimes Paranoia pays off.

    Found a picture of Amy with an address on the back and the message “I have him” which is some cryptic bullshit if you ask me. Who wrote it of the two? Was it Alex? Was it the hooded guy? God it annoys me.

   There was.. a tape in my house.. I’d hidden it.... I knew Jay’s paranoia was starting to get out of hand. My plan was to show it to him after he saw the doctor, but he found out about it before I could get him to see one.      It wasn’t me.            I’m not him. I’m not that masked creep. It’s not me...

But he thought it was.

        Masky.. Carrying Jessica out of that motel... Didn’t try to hurt her.. But what did he care.

He came to my house and tried to fucking stab me. He’s such a weak fighter... I tried to help him.   I wanted to help him.        I could have helped him, but he.. He saw me as a liar.

Makes sense that he’d blame me for Jessica disappearing. It showed Masky on that tape.. Me.. Masky.. I...

        Even if I had known where Jessica was there is no way I’d tell him. Not in his state, not in my state. We were both too far into it at that point.                  I was not going to drag her back into this hell like Jay did to me.

I tied him up and left him there. I knew I’d be back soon enough that he wouldn’t die of starvation or anything, but that damn hooded guy.    Fucking gave him a knife.

Meanwhile I was investigating that address...

                             Everything just.. Went further into hell.                Jay.. He... He followed me..      I wanted to help.

                       I wanted to be okay.

Is it selfish of me to want to be okay? To want to be normal?      Is it selfish to want to not hate myself all the time? I wanted to help them, but I also knew that if I didn’t help myself then I wouldn’t be able to help them.

    Jay got himself shot by Alex...

Disappeared..

                          I just found the camera and the tape inside.

Why did I leave him.     Why couldn’t I help him.

    I found Jay’s stuff in his car, went through some files. Found tapes of him at that cabin we both woke up in. He called me saying he didn’t blame me for Jessica’s disappearence. I guessed it was just before he came and attacked me. Something happened that changed his mindset from friendly to deadly.

     Posted the damn videos.

Went back to that place. Benedict hall. Jay had been watching for me there, waiting for me. Not even sure why..     I thought I’d found him but I found that hooded guy..

    I remember the phrase ‘YOUR FAULT’ being everywhere. Everywhere I ran it was somewhere. I remember running. I remember being so out of breath.. Suddenly it was night, suddenly all these different locations.                          There was so much running.  It’s all so blurry. God that’s annoying.

   I remember falling.. Got up, fell again into a room.. Jay was there... He was dead, holding his side. Not breathing. There were papers everywhere.

I remember chasing after the hooded guy more. We were back at Benedict Hall. He tried to climb out of a window. I grabbed.. Something. I don’t know.. I was going to hit him with it or something, threaten, intimidate.. I don’t know.          He’d fallen out of the window. Down a few floors.

      I ran down, got my meds. I’m... Probably addicted at this point.

He was dead... I found a tape on his body, and tried to unmask him. I couldn’t really get close though, that fucking t h i n g was there. I blacked out and woke up in a field....

So much for relapses.

He was dead. Jay was dead. The chest mounted camera was dead. I had to finish this, but I was so tired..

       I waited for Alex to come find me. I was sure he’d be watching me. Made sure he wasn’t already in my house, kept looking out my window like some paranoid...     Whatever... I am some paranoid guy..

I finally came up with a bit of an idea. I ‘left’ the house, made him think I wasn’t there or something.

          I don’t know what I expected the asshole to do.

                                  He fucking burned my house down.

The bitch.      Burned my house down. Told me that if I didn’t do the right thing and burn to death.. In my own house... To come and find him at Benedict hall.

         Didn’t have anything left to live for, really...      I was.. Way too ready to die that day, honestly. I went to Benedict hall. I may have been ready to die but I’d go down fighting, brought Jay’s poor tiny fucking knife. Whatever...

                                I tried to offer Alex help. After everything he’d done.

This man, mind you, this man killed several people. Some poor guy that wasn’t even attached to all this. He was just.. There at the wrong time. God.. Sometimes I get flashes from one of my blackouts. I found the guy’s body..

    But I still wanted to help him. I’d lived with these illnesses for my whole life. Maybe I could help.

But he attacked me.

                                  I don’t want to talk about the fight..

He’s dead.

   I found Jessica.

         I got her a good doctor. Medication. Made sure she was okay.

Threw away. That damn. Mask.

                Watched the tape I found on the hooded one....

Me and Brian... Our auditions for Marble Fucking Hornets....

I miss him.

    Guess he was the guy in the hood.

I..... I was going to hit him when he was climbing out of the window. I was so angry.     He wasn’t even Brian anymore though, right?

I’m done...

           I’m going away somewhere. Somewhere quiet, hopefully.

                                                 I’m so tired.

                                          But everything is fine.