#round three tomorrow might be pushed to wednesday tho i have an interview and idk how much of my day that's going to be | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blueberrypancakepotbellygirl · 5 years

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oOoOooOooOo she has so many thoughts !! time to spill !!

diagnosis and next steps

so, after the bad appointment last time, my mum and I have been planning to go back to the doctors and try to see a different practitioner and see if I can get referred this way. my mum talked to this psychiatrist lady she knows, and she asked me to send her an email with my symptoms and why i want a diagnosis. i told her the truth, including that i want a diagnosis for validation of my experience and the ability to access special circumstances at the university and through whatever employment I enter (so that, when school starts and when i get a proper job, i don’t have to wait 6 months for verification of my illness while i... idk break down or something. preventative mental health care just seems so logical idk why it isn’t encouraged more.)

the psychiatrist wrote a letter with her recommendations, something i could maybe give to whatever GP I see. Right now, though, i’m wondering if this is 1) worth it, 2) necessary, and 3) if i’m doing it for the right reasons.

I know that something is still wrong. I know if I was neurotypical i wouldn’t be self harming, i wouldn’t be having panic attacks, i wouldn’t be having these episodes of severe sadness and suicidal ideation. i wouldn’t still struggle with food. so, something is wrong. a diagnosis of SOME KIND is needed, because i haven’t been evaluated since before first year and these seem to have expiry dates. so i feel like, even if the first GP i saw didn’t think i had BPD, he should have still referred me because of the symptoms I have????? like fucking maybe ??

the thing is though, i know i’m not supposed to be in therapy right now. i know the relationships i have with my therapists can stunt my emotional growth (... just saying.... this is another symptom of BPD... just putting that out there). so i don’t want a diagnosis so that i can access TREATMENT. i’ve been getting treatment for over a decade ! i need to see how i do on my own ! so far that’s been.... real mixed !!!! as my life always is ! some days i feel like a fully normal person ! other days i feel like a fucking GOD. and other times i want to Fully Die and i feel the Worst I’ve Ever Felt and it feels like every cell in my body has relapsed. but i feel like if i say i’m not looking for therapy a doctor is going to (fairly, as well) be confused as to why i want an assessment.

the way i see it, a diagnosis allows me to access the SUPPORT i need to live my life without therapy. it allows me to have days off when i need them, it allows me extra time in exams, it is lenient with me in terms of how much is expected of me as a researcher or academic or employee. a diagnosis helps me navigate the world slightly easier. having a diagnosis of an eating disorder meant that i could be strict with employers about food breaks. having a diagnosis of depression meant i was given leniency when i came to missing classes and lectures. diagnoses are keys. if my life has these adjustments, therapy isn’t necessary. life gets its hardest when i can’t access these adjustments. but i don’t know if this is good enough for a GP to refer me. i know waiting lists are long (ahahaha i know this SO WELL) and doctors don’t want people on them who might have nothing wrong with them. i get that. but there is definitely something wrong with me, and i feel like this reason is a valid enough reason. maybe. i think i think i think.

okay but here’s where i stumble. because DESPITE IT BEING YET ANOTHER SYMPTOM THAT I DON’T HAVE A STABLE SENSE OF SELF AND I OFTEN CLING TO SPECIFIC THINGS TO MODEL MYSELF OFF OF BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL SUBSTANTIAL ON MY OWN i have always depended on my previous diagnoses as personality-makers. being ‘anorexic’ or ‘anxious’ became my entire personality. identifying with BPD has done the same. i honestly cannot remember a time where i didn’t have a diagnosis of some kind, just as i couldn’t remember a time until just recently when i hadn’t been in therapy. existing without a diagnosis is something i have never done, and the idea of it is SO FUCKING TERRIFYING. and, often, when i’m scared about something, it’s a sign i really, really, very much need to do that thing.

so now i’m stuck ! between the possibility that maybe i need to see how i am without a diagnosis and no help ! and trying to get help again and maybe being rejected again !!! but, i guess, if this was a physical illness ( and ik ik it’s stupid to compare them i know) then i wouldn’t be like ‘well, i’ve always had the diagnosis of diabetes, so maybe i should go a while without having it’. that’s just dumb.

look, i know my symptoms are mild. they are nowhere near as severe as many of those with BPD experience. my mania and depressive episodes happen a 3/4 times a week rather than three times a day. i don’t have debt. my relationships are significantly more stable (definitely not perfect by any means tho, still a long way to go, can’t get complacent). the eating disorder is so much better, the self harming is so much better. i am getting better. but when things are bad, they are SO BAD !!! and if i wait until things are SO BAD then it will be too late ! i am being a good patient by going in now smh.

i am going to go back to the doctors. i don’t know if i’m going to let my mum come into the actual appointment with me, because that’s a boundary i really want to reinforce. but i also don’t want to push her out of my personal struggles entirely either, so i feel like her coming down to support me through the appointment is a really good middle ground. we’ll see.

going home and family

i went home this weekend !!! i took alex and we got the train and my ENTIRE FAMILY CAME TO THE STATION and fucking Rory homophobe smith was there which was just... hilarious. so weird. why are my family so intense. but it went so well !! so so well ! i feel like dad likes alex way more than he ever liked mike (idk what he had against mike). i felt bad for not spending much time with my mum on our own, because that;s what i always do when i go home. but it was actually super nice to not do that, to not have super intensive emotional sessions with her. it was just... lovely to play chess and drink coffee and play with the dogs with alex and then leave the next day.

the night was hard. the night is always hard. triggers creep in like ghosts in the night, they seep through the wooden floors and sink into me. i went manic and was going through all the cupboards on the first and lower floor. idk what i was looking for. it was a pair of strawberry-patterned converse at first, and then i started feeling paranoid for no reason and searching for old diaries of mine that i thought my parents had hidden.

partners meeting family is always a big and important thing for me. gay partners meeting family is... a Whole New Thing. it forced me to confront those lingering feelings of guilt and shame that i feel about my sexuality and the Big Feelings of guilt i feel for upsetting my mother by being queer (aha. lol. that was. the worst. feeling. ever. it broke my heart. i am absolutely still not over that heartbreak it turns out. i’m getting there though.) but we did it and it went well and i am so grateful to have such a supportive partner and i am very in love and i like them very much and it feels like we are in a good and stable place and that is the best feeling ever.

how summer is going

summer is going. it’s super good and super bad. i need to get more interviews. i need to keep trying to keep a routine and keep my room clean and get fresh air even if that means i buy coffee from some dumb coffee shop every day. work is hit or miss. anxiety comes in waves, as does dissociation. depression hits like a brick and then leaves like a moving van. i need to sleep more, need to shower every day. water the sun flower. i have my paints now ! and my brushes !!! so i can paint things for all my friends and that makes me happy. immy and chema and dara and ale and alex can all get little summer paintings to commemorate the end of summer.

what’s next

dissertation. i’m putting out a new round of posts tomorrow. meeting ihsaan to catch up because i have been a terrible, super negligent friend to him recently. buy groceries because i need to eat more vegetables and protein. maybe buy a baking tin and make banana bread this week. i get paid on wednesday: no. 1 priority? immy’s birthday present. i have MANY IDEAS. gotta pick one now.

#p.

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