#sacrifice everything you know and love to the western christians. im sure you totally care about hinduism)

[snekdood]

if same sex marriage is unnatural, why'd shiva and vishnu fuck hard and have a child?

[stardustjunkie]

On Family & Ancestral Healing Disclaimer: Its long! The background story is first, insights at the end. I don't think it's a coincidence that as I've deepened my relationship with the medicine I've also been deepening my connection with my bloodline. Working with Grandmother has shown me how to more effectively and tenderly work with my Grandmother! Now, there are many bloodlines running through my body, but this particular work is regarding my matrilineal side, my Lebanese-Armenian family, with whom I grew up with and spent most of my childhood years around. My grandmother, Makrouhi Arabajian, now Margaret Thatje, helped raise me from birth till we moved from California to Wisconsin when I was about 9 years old. My sister and I would fly back to visit once or twice a year, but as I got older the trips were less and less. Being the first born, my grandmother always felt a special connection to me and spoiled me rotten. She's responsible for my early sugar addiction and love of musicals! Getting older and better understanding the intricacies of a family dynamic, I learned just how difficult life was growing up for my mother and uncle, and how challenging spending time with my grandmother can be. Without going into too much detail, my grandmother was the first in her family to immigrate to America from Lebanon. she came here alone at 24 years old with a husband who was 35 years her senior and totally emotionally unavailable. This is my grandfather, Adebeg, who I knew at 4 years old as an old man who fed me sugar cubes and scared me wth his dentures. I now have his gold front teeth as a necklace from my uncle. So, being alone in a new world is pretty frightening. She was put to work immediately and, being a rebel, had to learn all the ways a woman "should" act and perform as a "good wife." She had children, my uncle Ademar and my mother Laila. They grew up isolated, lonely, over-protected, and without a voice. Though fiercely loved, it was a love from a mother who had nothing but her children in this new world, at least until the rest of the family came to the US. This fear of losing what she had was manifested in being that kind of person who covers their furniture in plastic to protect it, if that gives you any sort of simple context. My mother and uncle endured some neglect from their birth father and abuse from their step father. My uncle is gay and unable to share that part of his life, which because of his conditioned self-loathing isn't really a life. He got a good job that allows him to visit his mother often and take care of her. My mom got married, gave her mother grandchildren, divorced twice and continued to battle her deep depression and high anxiety. Being older and able to see the complex weavings of my family dynamic and being someone who is so dedicated to healing and understanding, I have all kinds of new perspectives and approaches thanks to Ayahuasca and my personal experiences through emotional wild fires. After my first experience working with Ayahuasca in March, in a beautiful, transformative, life changing 4-day ceremony, I was compelled to see my grandmother (among many other things I was compelled to do and not do, hehe). I budgeted and booked a flight for June, right after my second round of ceremony. That entire visit felt like one long, intensive healing quest. I was still riding the post-ceremony euphoric clarity and that allowed me to anchor in love, to be patient and curious in the face of challenge and disruption. I was able to, for the first time, really connect with my uncle and see his pain. He's focused on his mother and her wellbeing for so long that it's become an obsession that's sucking the vitality out of his life. He's consistently on edge, suffers frequent panic attacks, out bursts of anger, lethargic depression, and decision paralysis. All from a place of love and concern, but expressed in a way that is depleting his personal reserves and distracting him from the path of healing by redirecting attention away from himself. My grandma is a whole other story! To keep it brief, she's a born-again a Christian who's extremely stubborn, hypocritical, progressive when it comes to the heart of a matter but conditioned to be rather critical of absolutely everything on the surface. She glosses over conflict, wants the best from you but only if it's in the way she thinks is best, and loves to sing Armenian church hymns as morning prayer even though she lost her voice. She's hilarious, generous, so strong, and really a trail blazer. Last visit I considered moving back to Los Angeles to be closer to her. One of my jobs is as a caregiver for dementia patients. I thought, "Why am I caring for someone else's grandmother when I can be taking care of my own?" I considered indigenous beliefs systems regarding family, community, and caring for elders and how in our western world we've moved away from communal care because of the productivity based work schedules this life under capitalism and hegemony require. I considered who and what I'd be leaving behind, the sacrifices and compromises, and what sort of unknowns I'd be embracing. The ocean called to me, and I wanted to return to her. I was pretty convinced for a couple weeks. I waiting till I was back home and settled to reconsider such a huge move. Now, I've decided that I have much work I want to do in Milwaukee, and my community and creative endeavors thst are in Wisconsin are still alive and growing. Also, I want to be close to ceremony and my rebel family, the community that we cultivate and nourish. Now that I'm here again, a month later, Im seeing that my decision was the right one. My grabdmother is 87 and lives alone. She still drives, cooks for herself, cares for a delicious fig tree and lush rose garden. Shes got some health issues of course, but ultimately is pretty damn great for her age! I'm able to sit with her, listen to her stories and extract all kinds of wisdom through the broken English that weaves in French, Arabic, and Armenian words. I see that some of her health issues are mine- her having lost her voice but still singing as prayer, her digestive issues, her addiction to sweets. I have learned to receive messages of healing and guidance all around me. I have grown in patience and learned when to engage and when to float. I see now that the thorn is in my uncle's side. This trip has been energetically heavy and sludgey compared to last time. My uncle arrived on edge and hasn't moved from it. Yesterday his mounting stress, anxiety, and suppressed feelings erupted in a temper tantrum during a 3 hour car ride home from a family gathering. I knew what was going on, so I didn't breach the subject, making sure to allow some space on what was rather close quarters. instead, I focused on what I could've done better, what I could do moving forward. I sat in silent meditation in the passenger seat. Letting my mind and spirit journey, seeing myself as someone who can see the truth so clearly, but often burns when I should warm. I saw that because I know better in this situation, I have to be the one to do better. That though my perceptions may be right, my delivery is the most important part. I noticed that when it comes to a family members pain I have a hard time feeling compassionate. I get annoyed, irritated, angry. I want to tell them to get their shit together because I'm only 27 and who the fuck is helping me out? I allowed myself to see this part of me in my mind, to see where it arises in my body. I then asked myself why I cannot look at his pain? Why is it so uncomfortable to see an adult family member so vulnerable and suffering? I looked, in my mind, at his pain. I saw that he felt isolated, alone, and deeply lost to himself. I saw that I couldn't look at it because it was my pain, too. Then I asked for my higher self to elevate me to a vantage point of love. To see love in everyone and everything! Stop look passed ego and personalities and to see the love, the angel, the child within. To learn to soften into tender compassion. To break the uncomfortable barrier of affection and hold him of he needed it. I prayed to Ayahuasca to help me move this energy, to see where I am creating blockages, to see where I can provide support, where I can offer healing and love. I am being shown when to blaze and when to warm (to use Justin Tilley's words). I slept on it. In the morning I went for a walk while Ademar was doing work in the garden before the clear, bright, hot sun moved in. I sang what I call Chaos Songs- free association melodies and words, even if nonsense, with the intention of love and healing. I returned to my grandmothers mobile home and Ademar immediately came to apologize. I invited him to sit with me on the porch and talk. He explained everything that I already knew- his mounting anxiety, his feelings of being out of control, the helplessness, feeling isolated, the eruption. He started to cry. Just like in my vision, I was able to hold him, to tell him he's safe and I love him. We discussed how he spends all his time and energy focused on helping his mother and so has neglected to help himself. I encouraged him to find therapy back home, since the company he works for is really creative, progressive, and offers amazing insurance. He agreed. We discussed that grandma is really actually alright, and now it's him that needs the love and support. Now the sun is climbing higher, the air is hot and dry. My uncle is resting on the couch (that no longer is covered with plastic), my grandmother is awake and making Turkish coffee, I am washing figs and spooning olives into a bowl. Thank you for reading. Thank you to our plant teachers, to Ayahuasca for her terrifying, beautiful, infinite love and power. Thank you for these opportunities for growth. Thank you for this experience of life.