#sarcasm btw when i said unfairly

[doesnotloveyou]

i find it objectively hilarious that the leaders of a thriving, self-sustained underground oligarchy/cult went to all the effort of going above ground to pedo stalk a filthy teenage boy who is just running around in the desert, vibing, and scratching his pale little ass while slurping beans from a can and burping, and thought "yes, that one. god's little idiot will make an excellent sperm donor. we will rebuild society in his image"

[theocanread]

A MAP OF DAYS- MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN

Page 357, chapter 14

SORRY I SKIPPED SO MUCH. AND IVE BEEN GONE. I had a two week break from school and didn’t read. Then today and yesterday I went ham.

Ok- I’m so sorry this will mainly be about Enoch ;~;

1. Him making a nest and sleeping in a closet? Iconic

2. His love for cars? Amazing

3. Calling other people dumb (constantly) and then telling someone in 65 the car is a 79 model? Hypocritical

4. Offering to commit arson in protest of segregation? Valid

5. BULLYING BRONWYN WITH HIS SARCASM? Rude

6. Awwww poor kitty meow meow was bullied by Abe awww. Virgin (derogatory)

7. THE FIT. I HATE IT. GROSS OMG GET OUT. YOURE DONE. “normal people scare me” STFU YOU WRETCH. Narsty

8. Cat zombie hoard do be kinda funny good for him. Comedic

9. He legit likes cars. Enoch’s interests: cars, war, arson, knives, mortuary science, sarcasm, pissing people off, Horace. VALID (again)

Ok time for Millard’s smaller section, which I will format differently.

He deserves the world. He’s sick of just being invisible and having to hide that from normals. He’s going off, what a king. Also…. He referred to turning invisible as “terrifying” when it first happened. The casual way he said it hurt my bones and my heart. Muah, golden boy, he can do no wrong. (I don’t count him stealing as wrong)

Good luck Hugh, I hope you find Fiona :( I miss her.

And Horace being a background character hurts my heart. Plenty of good Enoch content, but I do miss Horace a lot. I think he’s wayyy stressed about the present though. So he deserves to sit this one out :) he is very overwhelmed. Horace just wants to dress nice, make nice food, and be appreciated. I appreciate him fellas. %100 malewife.

Ok let me just quickly say a few things that bother me. (I may have mentioned one of them before, but I genuinely can’t remember. I’ll keep that complaint short)

For the record these are all about Enoch because I believe I just pay the most attention to him. (Sorry everyone else)

• He is 117 or so and was in a time loop in the 1940s, but didn’t age forward. That goes against the rules shawty. (He would have been born in the 1890s btw considering this was setup in book one, written in 2011)

•Enoch was not a part of the original group to get clothes at the mall. He had a line of dialogue AT THE MALL. Later Jacob specifically says no one on the mission got modern clothes. 😳

•Enoch and Bronwyn get in a fight at some point (before the mission.) and not only is Bronwyn super strong, but apparently sitting in the car is uncomfortable because of how long her legs are. Miss ma’am must be big. (I’d pictured her being built like Harriet Tubman, but she can be built like my sister that’s fine too) BUT HOW DID ENOCH LAST 2 SECONDS IN THAT FIGHT??? She would have had him pinned. There would not have been a struggle. Jacob says Enoch is like 5’3 in book one ya’ll. (Maybe it was 5’4)

SORRY EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ENOCH. HE HAS UNFAIRLY USED HIS CHARM AND STUPIDITY AGAINST MY BRAIN.

Also Ransom Riggs you ain’t slick. Somnusson? Somn….. sleep… F off

[vxmorpheus]

Hi, mister. You will hate me for it, but it needs to be said: The thing I liked most about your fic was the protagonist's parents. The relationship of this family was the most genuine and beautiful that I have ever seen in fiction. I quickly disappeared from the protagonist's parents and cried when I thought they might die, because I didn't want to lose them. But I was disappointed by the scene where they die. It was all very anti-climatic and I didn't feel anything. I think you should have invested more time developing the protagonist, the protagonist's parents, Olivia, the relationship and the story of these four characters before killing the protagonist's parents. Readers don't have time to get attached to your characters and understand them. So, readers don't care about their suffering. I mostly hate Olivia. You say in the story that her hatred for the protagonist is justified, but it definitely isn't. Olivia's family and justice may have failed her, but what Olivia did was much worse: she betrayed the protagonist, one of the few people who sided with Olivia when the rest of the world abandoned her, Olivia unfairly judged the protagonist and stabbed her in the back when the protagonist most needed Olivia's understanding and support. You said that the protagonist's parents were like parents to Olivia too. But how am I going to believe that Olivia loved them and acted that way because she was suffering from the loss of the people who were like parents to them, when I never saw any of them continue interacting? You could have described the background of the protagonist's family by helping Olivia, you could have shown the conversations between Olivia and the protagonist about what the death of the protagonist's parents, showed this conflict and suffering, showed the personality between them and all the suffering that both they were going through this whole situation. They were important parts of the story for the development of the characters and for the readers to understand who each one of them is. You have scattered valuable opportunities for the plot by not working at all. Then, the parts where the protagonist is trapped were unnecessarily long and decorated. You spent too many chapters on a part of the story that could have been resolved in one or two chapters. The chapters were too short telling parts of the story that had no relevance to the plot and did not develop what really mattered for the story. I think you should have spent more time planning the plot better, researching more about how the prison system works and how the SCP Foundation acts before writing this story. Your protagonist is very passive, weak and uninteresting. Her parents have been murdered, she is in prison and is accused of being responsible for this terrible crime, and yet this silly girl does absolutely nothing to try to find out the truth about what happened to her and her family. What kind of person stands in the room doing nothing while listening to their parents being killed? Anyone would have done everything they could to try to save their parents. The energy she spent mutilating her own arms she should have used to risk her own life to save her parents. It would have been something more worthy for her as the main character in the story to do, and it would have made more sense than scratching her own body for no reason. I think you are very creative and have excellent writing, but you must dedicate yourself more to the development of the plot and the narrative structure of your story.

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Thank you so much for the criticism, I really value it for improving my writing! (There is no sarcasm or anger in this statement, sorry if it comes off that way)

You are correct on some of the things here! But, everything is explored in the future, which I intend on editing notes for the chapters beforehand that have some relation to what I plan/post.

There will actually be a future chapter that explorers more of the past with the readers parents and Olivia, but the past is very... hard for the reader to grasp right now. There were side effects to the amount of amnestics given to her, which will also be explored. At the time that I was writing stuff with her parents still alive, I was not in contact with the creator of the parents. I asked for their permission to use them but that was all, I felt I didn’t have the right to write too much about them and their personality besides what I knew about them. But now that I talk to their creator, I feel more comfortable about writing them in the future - I’ve even been considering doing a Pre-A Bright Life story but might just make it memories. As for the scene when they died... I understand that it was, in a sense, anti-climatic... but, if the reader attempted to go down and ‘save them’ or attempt to... she’d be dead. If she went to help in anyway, she would be dead 100%. She would have seen 096′s face and boom that's it. The scene with her mutilating her arms and being frozen in fear is a response in human psychology to something terrible happening. I’ve been in a psychology class, done research on psychology dealing with trauma and responses, listened to and read true stories of people who’ve unknowingly hurt themselves because of something bad, and know about mental health. 

As much as I’d like to think I would go and try to save my parents, I know that reality is much different than thought. If my dad came into my room and told me to stay in my room, lock the door, and ‘don’t come out no matter what you hear’... I’d be fucking terrified. Freeze is a very real reaction to such things, it seems to be more common than flight (from people I’ve met). The reader froze, she wanted to do something but couldn’t get her body to do anything. She was genuinely scared and started dissociating, which is fucking wild btw... then she tried to ground herself and ended up self-mutilating to do so, which is also a thing people do. I wanted to write a realistic fear response to something terrifying and unknown.

As for her very passiveness and weakness... like I said, there were side effects to the amount of amnestics she was given, which will be explored and be slowly fixed.

The parts with her as a D-Class.... oh boy... I had a lot of trouble writing that section of the story. I hadn’t planned on it being so long but I felt I had to explorer Fox and Scar’s personalities, plus they’ll be returning. Some of the ‘toughness’ and memories needed to come back within the D-Class section because... prison. I did as much reading as possible on the D-Class stuff on the SCP website, took some liberties on my thoughts, took minor things from prison movies (nicknames mostly), and took my personal experience with the prison systems (my brother was in and out of jail a lot, so I learned quite a bit).

And unexplored plot points! They are left for the future, its how the memory erasure works. Things are to be figured eventually. The chapters being short were really because I was nervous and had no idea what to expect, I don’t know how far you’ve gotten and if you’ve finished all chapters, but they do get longer. 20 is a chapter I’m really happy with considering it’s almost 15000 words and it’s my favorite one I’ve done so far!

The only part I’m upset about is “I think you should have spent more time planning the plot better”; This isn’t a story that I just came up with and worked on it for a month in my head, I came up with this story almost 2 years ago and have been slowly mapping everything out. I have an entire excel document of the timeline of this story and it’s really important to me. But, I don’t hate you ^^

Having said all this, I really appreciate the criticism because this story is so important to me and it’ll help me improve.