#scarletiris love story problems dilemma

[scarletiris]

silence is the deadliest form of torture.

the title says it all doesn't it? like i mean i had a day to figure out what i did wrong, like i know you said theres nothing between us and you are not mad at me, but then why do i feel so distant from you? I know what i did wrong and every time i just want to pick up the phone and call you or text you but i know you need space, which is funny because you say theres nothing going on between us. So lets start from square one right? the part where i mentioned even though you are my blood cousin, i always considered you my actual definition of a best friend. You were always there for me in my lowest moments, seen my darkest times, and helped me actually be the sole reason why im able to smile again. All from being roughly 1700 miles away. So i guess when i admitted that to you and i started having such nervous conversations around you and i did notice you were quiet around me, ignoring my calls, like come on be real. like, obviously if you see a miss call and you dont respond to it or even text me back thats ignoring. like theres no way around it, A! thats why im a bit hurt you know? i know what i did was selfish. to assume that you were always going to be there for me when in reality, fuck it right? i mean we havent even known each other for too long, what, like 5 years if anything? you probably just see me as the “fun” california cousin and whatnot. but like, really. what. the. fuck? i was ALWAYS there for you and how i was raised WAS different yes? that no matter what the situation was no matter what problems went on, i would drop anything for you just to make sure you have someone to talk to and feel better, but when i needed you you tell me you cant be there for me and you should focus on yourself? like i understand it and all, but WHAT THE FUCK? is this your true color? is this the true you? you get where im coming from though? like if this is really you, its a nightmare you know? someone that i finally for the first time in my life put my absolute trust into, doesn't feel the same. now again, let me clarify that i know i fucked up. i was being a petty little bitch who kept pouring problems and scenarios where it doesn't involve you into them. I never once thought it might be too much for you and to be completely honest, i never thought it could ever be enough. I mean thats the idea right? of having someone as close as you? would you understand how i felt when you said that though? you knew i was more sentimental than you, i guess thats just the natural sexist persona though, males aren't suppose to have any feelings, they are supposed to always be strong and its a one way street when the girl vents to the guy right? if thats how it is really supposed to be then ill go back to it, to keep quiet to myself and just let it fade. But just know that really hurt, A. and whats worse is theres nothing from you anymore, just silence. no snaps, texts, calls, asking how im doing or if im up. and it really makes me mad. im just gonna be blunt bc i have so much disarray in my thoughts right now. like fuck man it really did hurt me and im mad and sad and upset and just confused. like where is it supposed to go from here? you see what the outcome was when you said that to me? its like, do you want me to move? are you waiting 10 months to find a good excuse to push me away and not have me move? are you trying to just cut me off completely and just finding the right words? i get it right? we are family, so word will get around and you dont want to be the reason you hurt me, but you dont know how else to say it right? so by just giving me the silent treatment and just disappearing from my life you want me to grow apart from you with my own hatred forming in my heart. NO. i dont believe that, i dont believe that you are a bad person, through anything. you have way too much passion in your heart to do that to me. What do i do then A? guide me. i need guidance, im not asking you to hold my hand, im asking for just a sign, a sign to show we truly are as you say on the same page and still close. because i dont feel it anymore and the lingering effect it has on me, with so many scenarios and outcomes replaying over and over are dismantling my very core of my belief in you. Not even just my belief in you, my belief in humanity, how when the going gets tough its ok to just bounce? and never be heard from again? LIKE again dude. i get it, pharmacy school and being 1 F away from failing the program is such a huge task, but did i ever say im gonna distant myself from you so you can pursue it? no, what did i say? i said NO MATTER WHAT, ill always be there for you. family is more important than a career, at least to me. i will never ever hate you if i lose my career to be there for you. thats why im mad, confused, sad, and clueless why you believe that your idea is correct. “it sounds selfish but im sorry if i cant be sympathetic or caring as you want me to be, i need to focus on myself” that stung, almost as much as “i dont feel comfortable weighing in on your important life decisions” like THE FUCK? do you know how much things stick to me? i cant just brush it off and forget it like you can. i cant just go oh okay see ya around next time. ill dwell on it, let the worst thoughts eat me up inside, and honestly its justifiable to dwell on that situation. like DUDE, my or at least IN MY EYES, the only person i can really call my cousin/bestfriend/hero just says no thanks? not interested.? how do you think that makes me feel A,? better yet how do you think im gonna react to it?>> everytime i see and hear from you i get really happy. just remember that, if we grow apart, ill never forget you A,. hopefully i really am just overthinking all this, see you soon, and hopefully i dont just waste my time and drag you down.. i just wish you were able to see my fear and be here for me. im sorry for being a brat about it. but i only want you to somehow see this and dont push me away like some ugly monster, but to just let me be a brat and let me hold onto ya for a bit. weird as fuck because im a guy and your a girl and its strange to know that a guy needs your help? is that why youre mad? idk. just know i need you here for me, and its antagonizing know you dont want to be..