#schuld.dat

[willoffate]

We need to sleep because the body just can't stay awake any longer but if we fall asleep with me in front we're gonna have fucking nightmares. And guess who can't do his gatekeeper duties in the middle of a panic attack

[willoffate]

.

I am literally not safe from myself unless I'm whoring myself out, stoned off my ass, drunk as shit, or already dead. I spend every waking moment wanting to die because of my PTSD but because I get intrusive thoughts and violent dysphoria less than the other hosts I'm here 50% of the time. I can't be impaired or jacking off all the time but I'm so so upset whenever I'm not. There's no solution for me except to just kill myself in headspace and leave the body be.

[willoffate]

Having a horrible time collectively right now but especially me, I know we're inactive on here but it's for mental health reasons so some asks every now and then checking in on us or providing distractions would be great.

Context under cut, cw for cults, pedophilia and abuse.

For some context, we were in a cult that overly sexualized us (a minor at the time), made fun of our artwork, separated our at-the-time host from his partner and excluded said partner from things, ripped our identity and sense of self from us permanently, and sheltered our 7-year groomer best friend for years until the day we moved into our old apartment when they revealed it, which caused us to go into dissociative shock for three months. The leader of this cult cut us off after we lashed out by unfollowing us on his personal Twitter but continuing to follow us on his art Twitter, and removing us silently from his Discord. A so-called "close friend" recently cut us off in the same manner instead of talking to us, eerily close to the traumaversary of being removed from that cult.

I was in a cult in my source. It's not touched on very much in Kapitel, and my specific trauma isn't touched on in source at all, but Eszett is very clearly a cult. They ripped any sense of identity from me, they cut me off from everyone I loved, they tried to kill me. Obviously, my trauma is close enough to our collective trauma for me to be having constant PTSD episodes, because the brain has decided it'll cope with our trauma by projecting it on relevant fictives. And I'm so tired. I already had a 6-hour panic attack that immobilized the body a little while after that so-called friend cut us off last month. I can't keep doing this.

[willoffate]

So fucking cool as an alter with NPD in a system with psychosis to see people calling horrible governments "psychotic" and people taking breaks "narcissists"! Love how bad things happen in the world and all the people who say they're allies to the mentally ill start using us as gotchas against people they hate again 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡 I want to kill either myself or someone else 🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

[willoffate]

Therapy done, and we defeated the mental masking we usually do- The brain had this thing where it'd only let the main host front during a sesh in order to mask as a singlet even though we're out to our therapist as plural, but this go around I started blurring with Aya halfway through so we switched.

We've got a game plan for helping Aya get better now- It's mostly "Schuldig and Yoji front to take care of meals and hygiene until the body finishes recovering from this viral cough". Aya's been too tired and grumpy from being sick to feed or clean the body, so he got all depressed cause that's what happens when you neglect your basic needs.

We're gonna be alright- thanks for your support, friends.

[willoffate]

will answer asks in a bit. having shitty source trauma flashbacks ans the only thing holding me back from fucking blowing mt brains out in-sys is my cat.

[willoffate]

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can't fucking use my abilities in headspace suddenly. huge source trauma flashbacks. treated me bad when i'd have issues like this. friends say it's gonna be okay but it's not. i probably won't get them back. think i'm gonna do something.

[willoffate]

Gott. I need some enrichment in my enclosure that isn't "Aya's 200th thought about fucking Ken of the day". Is ANYTHING interesting happening anywhere anymore? I'm limited to only fucking with my sysmates' minds so I can't entertain myself that way. Auuuuuuugh.

[willoffate]

I know "Berlin Without Return" is one of Aya's projection songs for him 'n' Ken, but it's hitting me in the source memories.

See, I- I had to hide every aspect of myself from the world 'cause of Eszett. They didn't let me be a person. My relationship with Crawford- that was all I had, yeah? He was the only person I could be a person around. He was my everything.

We got engaged... Fuck, sometime during Kapitel, I think. It was a small act of rebellion. Letting me be me. We didn't actually break free 'til later, with Omi's help.

"Can we please get married? Do this just for us, the way we would do? It doesn't make much sense, but maybe nothing does- it never will."

[willoffate]

Also super fucking fun how I'm the system's gatekeeper, I'm supposed to get people in and out of front when bad shit happens, but me having a breakdown cancels out my own ability and I just sit here silently going catastrophic.

[willoffate]

So fun that we'll randomly lose people to a mental barrier that prevents them from fronting or being contacted by those active in system and everyone outside system will be like "Oh where's (x)?" "What happened to (x)?" and we have to explain that we literally do not know. Like. I get that people miss Sky and Jericho and the like. You're not the only ones losing people from this system. I lost one of my partners and we are still actively fixated on his source. It's unpredictable. I'm fucking devastated. I can still feel him there, but I can't- I can't reach him. It's some sick joke from God or something. "This person you love, one of the only people who kept you from killing yourself in source? Yeah, he's here, but he's not."

[willoffate]

More people should post memes of German people calling their dogs/birds/etc ridiculous things and being jokingly angry at them so I can laugh at them and think about my cat.

(He really was a little shitcat and I miss him every day even if he had approximately 0.5 IQ and screamed louder than me when Crawford would- [USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST.])

[willoffate]

Didn't even occur to me that people still use faggot negatively. Like... Yeah, nah, I'm a fag, but what are you? What is your purpose in this cold, cruel world?

[willoffate]

Uuuuuugh. Tired and grumpy. Guten morgen or something.

[willoffate]

Wrangled him into eating some pizza. He's talking with his boyfriend right now, so things'll be okay.

[willoffate]

"if you send shit of related cats I'll kill you"

Not everyone is able to fucking keep track of which cats are related in a series with probably like over a thousand characters, dipshit. Not even the fucking writers can keep track. Shut the fuck up with your aggression.