#screaming and crying over that kim and jesse scene though

[narcanna]

better call saul is ending next week and i am so insane rn

[andkaboodle]

Addison’s Arrival

Today’s blog is all about my labour with Addi. It gets a little gross in parts but it’s (I think) worth the lols. I’ll post a big *HERE* if you want to skip to the hospital part and miss all the build up.

To set the scene for you, picture yourself being 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant. It’s literally the middle of summer in Australia, a 39 degree day. Everyone else is  celebrating your favourite holiday and you’re sober, cranky, sore and sweating up a storm.

J and my mum had been dealing with my ‘so-over-this’ complaints for about two weeks at this stage and they’d both told me that as soon as I took my mind off it, bub would start to ‘descend’... ew. So I’d decided I was going to suck it up and enjoy the Australia Day party the best I could.

We arrived at our friends’ house and that’s when I saw it. The true love of my life. A brand new, 8ft wide, blow up pool. That was where I was spending my day today and no one could tell me otherwise. I was happy.

My short lived happiness was destroyed while I was up going to the toilet (I’m not that gross that I’d pee in the tiny pool) and I came back to find that one of the boys had cut his knee open during the slip’n’slide and ended up in my sanctuary, bleeding his germy germs everywhere. I was devastated.

I spent the next few hours sulking in the air conditioning while a drunk husband provided sausages and bread to his heavily pregnant beast of a wife. “As long as she’s fed, she won’t make me go home.”

To make matters worse, friends of ours rocked up with their 2 week old baby, purely to rub it in my face that they weren’t having to suffer through this heat and discomfort anymore.

Come 1pm and the sausages were not agreeing with me or foetus Addi anymore. I told Jarrod to ease up on his drinking as he may have to drive home after the party so I could nap my tummy ache away. “Ok, baby. But you’ll be fiiine!” were his exact words and he did not ‘ease up’ one bit. I pushed through the last five hours of the Triple J Hottest 100 to hear Flume smash out Never be Like You at number 1 (called it!).

We bailed as quick as we could but had to make a detour on the way home to drop off a phone that was left at the party. While Jarrod ran the phone inside to his mate, his wife and her best friend came out to thank me for a good day. I made a mention of my tummy being sore and they asked to feel my belly... “You know you’re in labour, right?” “Nah, I think I’d know if I was.” “Well when are you due?” “Tomorrow... Jarrod!! Get in the car!”

The girls wished me good luck (which did not ease my sudden panicked state) and we rushed home to call the hospital. My sister in-law was home and, thank my lucky stars, was a studying midwife. She felt my tummy and excitedly confirmed that this was indeed contractions. I went for a shower while J called the hospital and received his husbandly duty instructions.

Then it was all very mellow... apart from the intense stabbing pain near my hoo-ha every 6mins and 20secs. J ended up having something to eat and playing x-box, trying to sober up. I ended up doing my makeup (because I wanted to look nice when my baby saw me for the first time).

It was about 10:30pm when the contractions were closer together and (at the time, I thought) unbearable, we grabbed the hospital bag, said goodbye to Jess and headed off to the hospital with a drunk baby-daddy driver in the pouring rain. We were off to a good start with this responsible parenting thing!

*HERE* - for those who only want the gory bits

Once we got to the North West Private Hospital (I only remember the name because of Kim and Kanye’s daughter), we were shown to our room in which the air con had shit itself. Great. I had sweat off my makeup within 10mins.

A lovely Irish midwife named Bonnie came in with an evil little plan. She asked if she could feel how things were going ‘down there’ and told me it wouldn’t hurt as she needed me relaxed. Then the devil/angel lady pulled something (my cervix? mucus plug? I’m not sure) which hurt so badly I think I nearly broke Jarrod’s arm. Lucky I was holding him back though because his instinct was to push her away from me.

From there, everything is very blurry in my memory. I was given pain relief pills which I immediately vomited, an injection soon after which made me very giddy and then the laughing gas which I told the nurse I was going to leave J for. I said some weird shit on that gas; called my parents and congratulated them prematurely, took some snapchats, laughed at J when he started spewing out all the day’s alcohol and Bonnie thought he was just a weak little bitch. But let me tell you, it didn’t help the pain AT ALL. It just made me forget about it in between the stabs.

Fast forward to 6am and my OBGYN had arrived. She told me it was a good day to have a baby and I remembered that it was her birthday too! She jokingly asked if I was going to name the baby Kate after her, and I (drugged up and not getting the joke) let her down easy and apologised about us already having a name picked out.

She soon decided to break my waters for me which honestly, wasn’t painful at all; but it was such a strange sensation that I passed out straight away. When I woke up, I heard Kate say ‘there she is’ and druggo Kit thought she was talking about my baby. Score! I’d been unconscious for the birth of my baby and didn’t feel any of the painful pushes and tears!

She asked Jarrod to take me to the bathroom to get undressed and cleaned up. I kept telling him how easy that was and that I didn’t know why women were so dramatic about it. He started hosing me down with the shower head and I decided to help out a bit. That is when the most disgusting thing ever, in our entire relationship happened...

As I washed between my legs, I felt some sort of gunk and tugged on it to wash it away. Jarrod gagged and ordered me not to touch it. Drugged up Kit don’t take no orders from no one, so I just yanked it right out in front of me.  “Holy cow! What is this?!” I said laughing, while J dry retched in the corner of the en suite. “It’s like a magician’s handkerchief! It just keeps coming!” as I pulled the never ending string of mucus out of myself.

While Jarrod tells people that it was the most horrendous thing he’s ever witnessed, I found it hilarious. My laughing soon stopped though, when the worst contraction began. I just looked at J, expecting him to explain why this was still happening when Addi was out already. It was then that the drugs must have worn off enough for me to notice my still huge, still rock hard belly and that Kate was talking about me coming around, not my baby coming out. I just started silently crying. I was so scared. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to be in pain anymore.

I hopped back on the bed, naked and miserable. J assumed the hand-holding position and tried to give me a pep talk. I started to feel like Hell itself was erupting out of me and the midwife rushed in. “She’s coming out!” I yelled and the midwife told me that it just feels like that in the beginning. “No! She’s f*cking coming ooooout!” She checked under the blanket and with a quiet “oh” ran to get Dr Kate.

Birthday Girl, Kate, strolled in putting her gloves on and with a surprisingly motivating tone said, “let’s do this thing, ready to push?” Sorry J, but that sentence got me more pumped up than your whole 5min speech about what a strong, amazing woman I was.

I’m going to skip these details, not because they’re too gruesome but because I don’t want to put anyone off having children. Let me just say three things.

1. Screaming helped, so don’t hold back if you feel like you need to let it out.

2. Don’t forget to breathe because apparently my deep breaths were the only thing that stopped me tearing.

3. And don’t look at your partner. The look of absolute heartache I saw in his eyes as he watched me helplessly, made things so much worse.

After what felt like 3 days, but was only 21 minutes of pushing, Addi was pulled up onto my chest. She was quiet as those little black-blue eyes checked out the parents she was now stuck with. J was a mess, holding my neck with one hand and Addi’s with the other. “It’s a girl. Baby, it’s a girl.” “Yeah, we f*cking knew that already.”

Sorry! But I was tirrred and all out of any possible emotion. I unwillingly delivered the afterbirth and I was asleep before J even cut the cord.

I woke up 3 hours later to him holding and talking to our little princess who had been all cleaned up and was warm, comfy and safe in daddy’s arms.

Addison Rae Hindmarsh Weighing  3.165kg or 7lbs born on 27th January 2017 at 8:31am