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[visceraah]

Intrulogical week day 7- Free day

“Smoking causes an extremely damaging buildup of tar in your lungs and, in some cases, cancer.”

Remus licked the edge of it, rolling it up without even looking at Logan. “Maybe I like choking.”

So that was how it was. Logan shoved his hands into his pockets as they walked. “You are aware we’ll have to act as though we like each other for this, yes?”

“You’re saying you don’t like me?” Remus pouted. If Logan didn’t know better, he would’ve thought he saw a flicker of hurt on his face… But whatever it was, it was gone in an instant. “Why, that completely changes things.”

“I am saying, we must act like a couple.” Logan corrected, unimpressed.

-

Or, a ridiculously self indulgent fake dating AU

AO3

Content warnings: homophobia, cannibalism mention, smoking, and the usual for innuendos.

Logan wanted to punch something.

Ordinarily, he was not a violent man. He believed resolving your issues with fists was an outlet for those too unintelligent to properly articulate themselves.

He also believed, had he spent any more time in that room, he would have tried to pummel his father to a pulp.

Hands shaking with rage, he pulled out his phone. It took a few tries to click the correct number, and he slowly raised it to his ear.

“Logan?” Pattons’ voice was full of concern and, for the first time in years, he wanted to cry. He didn’t trust his voice, but apparently his silence was enough. “We’re on our way.”

-

“Allow me to duel them!”

Romans anger might have been sweet at first, but it was beginning to wear thin. Logan rolled his eyes. “Even if I believed they would accept, violence solves nothing.”

“But they deserve it.” Roman muttered, sitting back down dejectedly.

“Hey, no mister! Violence is bad.” Patton reprimanded, although even he wasn’t too firm. Nobody was the biggest fan of Logans’ parents right now.

“I was expecting this. They have expressed their… distaste, for gay people. It was foolish to expect any other kind of reaction.” Logan tried, hating how his voice shook as he spoke.

Patton put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re their son, Lo, it wasn’t fo-”

“I’ve got it!” Roman declared loudly, startling the other two. Patton opened his mouth but Logan, glad for the shift of focus from his emotions (... because that was uncomfortable), shook his head.

“You take home to them the worst boyfriend ever! Fake, that is. He can be rude and dismissive and swear-y and the total opposite to a gentleman. That way, when you actually bring home a boy you like, they’ll be so relieved it’s not.. That.. and have no choice but to accept him!”

Patton clapped politely. Logan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Even if I consented, what makes you think this would work?”

“Oh, trust me. It’ll work.” Roman told him confidently, and Patton leant over to whisper “I’m convinced.”

What was he getting himself into?

“... I assume you have the perfect delinquent in mind.”

Roman grinned.

-

“What do you want, fuckwaffles?”

Roman spluttered, and Logan was already regretting this. The ‘delinquent’ in mind had been his twin, and even though Logan had been his friend once… That was a long time ago. He barely recognised the boy in front of him, lounging on bench and smoking what he sincerely hoped was just tobacco.

Logan figured he would cut to the chase, to spare any more stupidity. “Allow me to be frank- I recently informed my parents I was gay.” Remus seemed to perk up at that. “They did not take it well. Your brother seems to think pretending to date the worst possible influence will persuade them to accept a less abrasive boy, and I… Am out of other ideas.”

“That sucks.” Remus said, sincerely, and took a drag from his cigarette. “But I’m not interested. Fanfic rules say if you fake date, you fall for each other or whatever, and no offense Specs, but I don’t wanna bang a nerd.”

Logans brow furrowed. “Fanfic..?”

“Yeah, you know- works of ‘fanmade fiction’. Where you have a hard on for some made up guy and write about him fucking a different character you project onto. Ro writes it all the time.”

“I do not write smut!” Roman said indignantly, going red.

“I know.” Remus sighed sadly. “That’s why your fics suck.”

Logan was pretty sure they were speaking another language, but he decided to power through. Whatever they were saying, it didn’t seem too important. “It’ll be purely professional.” Logan reassured him. And, because he was a little desperate… “And I can pay.”

Remus stared at him for a long minute, before finally putting out his cigarette on the bench. Logan cringed at the burn mark it left on the wood. “My first job as a male escort… Fine.”

Roman sighed in relief, and Logan nodded, sticking his hand out. Remus eyed it, then spat onto his palm and slapped it against Logans, giving it an unnecessarily tight shake.

Logan didn’t bother to hide his disgust, making note to wash his hands ASAP. Remus just grinned back at him.

“I’ll bring a spliff. When dya need me?”

Ah. Logan cringed “... Now.”

“Lucky for you, my evening’s free. We should probably get a story straight, first though- you wanna go for a walk?”

What choice did Logan have? He nodded curtly, and they started the walk in silence. He heard Remus drag out a sigh, and glanced over to see him pulling out some paper and starting to roll himself another cigarette. He frowned disapprovingly.

“Smoking causes an extremely damaging buildup of tar in your lungs and, in some cases, cancer.”

Remus licked the edge of it, rolling it up without even looking at Logan. “Maybe I like choking.”

So that was how it was. Logan shoved his hands into his pockets as they walked. “You are aware we’ll have to act as though we like each other for this, yes?”

“You’re saying you don’t like me?” Remus pouted. If Logan didn’t know better, he would’ve thought he saw a flicker of hurt on his face… But whatever it was, it was gone in an instant. “Why, that completely changes things.”

“I am saying, we must act like a couple.” Logan corrected, unimpressed.

“So you do like me?” Remus teased, elbowing Logan in the side. “But… Alright. We hooked up at that gig down The Crown the other week- naturally, I was the top- and it’s been non-stop sex ever since. Happy?”

“I am not telling my parents any of that.” Logan said firmly. Once, he would have blushed at that, but he knew by now better than to take Remus’ words at face value.

“Why?” Remus tucked his cigarette behind his ear- just to crown the ‘troublemaker’ look, Logan supposed. Smoking was repulsive and all, but… It did kind of suit him. “Chose it cause you were there- don’t want them to know you go out?”

“No, actually. Whilst that was not my primary issue with your suggestion, it is not a detail they know, or I intend on sharing with them.”

Remus stared at him, and he shifted awkwardly under his gaze. “You didn’t tell them?”

“You… Remember what they are like.” Logan reminded him. “Can you blame me?”

Remus nodded, but for some reason he was still looking at him. “How’d you avoid getting caught, then?”

“Some of us are good at it.” Logan replied with a smirk

Remus gasped and elbowed him again. “Fuck off. Not my fault my parents don’t trust me!”

“I sincerely believe it is.”

Remus laughed, and Logan couldn’t help watching him. For someone so harsh, he was… Cute. He blushed when he was caught looking at him, quickly shaking his head and looking away.

Remus didn’t like silence, though, no matter how comfortable. It didn’t take long for him to open his mouth again. “What happened to us?”

Logan turned to look at him inquisitively, waiting for him to continue.

“I mean…” Remus seemed to hesitate, almost embarrassed. Huh. Logan hadn’t thought he could get embarrassed. “We used to be mates, yknow? We talked about weird shit together, like- fuck, I don’t know, how tigers have spikes on their dick.”

Logan snorted at that. “I suppose we did.”

And the silence was back. It didn’t feel right, though- Logan knew there was more to say, so, reluctantly, he explained, “We were just… Very different. I was interested in my studies, you were interested in…”

“Eh, I get it.” Remus dismissed before he could even finish. “M’a bad influence- couldn’t have the model student associating with me.”

Logan frowned, looking over at Remus. “I don’t see why that should be the case.”

Remus startled, almost dropping his cigarette. He seemed shocked, and Logan almost smiled.

Before either of them could try and make sense of this strangely emotional moment, though, Logan had stopped walking and turned to look at the nearest house. They were there, and he didn’t like it one bit.

“... I am unsure if I can do this.” Logan admitted, taking a step back. He felt a weight on his shoulder, and looked up to see Remus’ hand. It was strangely comforting.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be the worst boyfriend you could ask for.”

Logan snorted and took a deep breath, holding out his hand. When Remus just stared at it, he explained, “To sell it.”

Remus made a small ‘ah’ of understanding, linking their hands and walking forwards with him.

Before he even had the chance, Remus rung the doorbell for him. Once, then again, and again and again and-

His mother opened the door angrily. “Logan, that’s immature and, quite frankly, rather idiotic.” Her eyes landed on Remus and they narrowed. “Who’s that?”

“Oh, I’m Remus. Pogan’s boyfriend.”

Her eye twitched. “That isn’t- Logan, can I have a word?”

Logan, who had until now just been watching in fascination- Remus really did have this down- subconsciously straightened his back. “Yes mother?”

“Alone.”

“Oh, anything you can say to him, you can say to me.” Remus supplied, leaning on the doorframe. “You gonna let us in or what?”

The colour drained from his mothers face and, if he weren’t so nervous, Logan would be genuinely impressed. “I have invited him back for dinner. I hope that’s alright.”

The look on her face said it very much wasn’t, but she forced herself to take a deep breath. She stepped back, forcing a thin-lipped smile to her face. “Of course.”

“Sick.” Remus walked straight past her, dragging Logan with him. “What’re we eating, then?”

“Pie. Your father will be home soon.” She said, message clear as she turned on her heel and left the room.

“I’m a vegan, so leave out any meat!” Remus yelled after her, before shooting Logan a grin. “How much more of a Karen could she be?”

Logan let out a surprised snort. “I must admit, you have this down.”

“Oh, I’m just getting started~”

Logan doubted Remus could get any worse than this, but a large part of him was rather excited to see him try.

-

Remus got so, so much worse. He insisted on sitting on Logans lap despite the whole sofa being free- and he did not blush because of it. Nope- and spoke loudly about how much he wanted to smoke.

When Logans father arrived, the ‘couple’ were met with a stare of confusion and, after a whisper in his ear from his mother, a glare. He cleared his throat. Logan looked up, but Remus just fiddled with a lock of his hair- something that definitely didn’t make him blush, either. His father cleared his throat again, and Remus seemed to acknowledge him.

“Oh, hi. You must be… Pat?”

“Matt.” He snapped, and Logan realised just how well it worked to get someones name wrong. “Aren’t you that kid Logan used to hang around? Real trouble maker, always in detention.”

“Sure am- guess you could say Lo and I have a long history.”

It was honestly impressive how pissed he looked already. Logan squirmed but, before this could get any worse, there was a loud bang behind them. Everyone turned to look, just in time to see his mother slam the plates down onto the table. “Dinner.”

Logan watched in awe as Remus strode up to the table and seated himself at the head, awkwardly shuffling after him. He saw his parents exchange a look, but they thankfully sat down, too.

The next few minutes were painfully quiet. His mother served up the food in a way that could only be described as aggressive, and his father glared at the wall ahead of him.

“You guys read Titus Andronicus?” Of course it was Remus to break the silence. When Logan realised nobody else would reply, and he’d have to continue… Whatever this conversation was, he shook his head.

“The Shakespeare play? I am afraid not.”

“Oh, shame.” Remus picked at the food. “This Roman war criminal, Titus, brings back like four prisoners whose family he brutalised and whatever. They’re kindaaa pissed so, as revenge, they kill a couple his sons and mutilate his daughter. He finds out and kills them, then cooks them into a pie and serves it to their mother. He’s killed by the emperor or whatever, but that’s not important. This just… Reminded me of that.” He poked the pie again.

Logans mother actually turned green. “I… Thought you were a vegan.” Was all she could think to say, thoroughly disgusted.

“That’s the thing about vegans!” Remus jiggled his fork in her direction. “We won’t eat animals or animal products, yeah? But we eat human products. Soooo, by that logic, we could eat a person, too.”

“Are you saying you’re a cannibal?” Logans father asked coldly, speaking for the first time since they sat down.

Remus shrugged in a way that concerned even Logan. “Just a hypothetical.”

“This boy’s a maniac.” Logan heard his mother mutter, and his fist curled around his cutlery. His knuckles turned white.

“Don’t.”

Everyone looked at Logan in surprise, Remus included, and he found himself going red- not from embarrassment, but anger.

“Excuse me? You bring a fucking… Deviant, like this, into our house, and then you have the nerve to speak to your mother like that? Apologise, right now.” Logans father snarled. He clutched the cutlery tighter.

“Only if she does.”

“This, uh, really isn’t necessary-” Remus whispered to him, cut off by a shrill laugh.

“That’s the first thing you’ve said all day to make any sense.” His mother spat.

“Probably.” Remus agreed, easily, and Logan stood up suddenly. His chair clattered to the ground.

“Don’t agree with them.”

Logans mother glared up him. “You sit down and stop this right this second”

For the first time in his life, Logan ignored her. “We are leaving.” He said coldly, grabbing Remus by the arm and storming out.

-

The second they were out of sight of the house, he stopped walking. He shut his eyes, pressed his back to the nearest wall, and slid down against it. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

He’d forgotten he wasn’t alone until Remus’ voice, uncharacteristically soft, called out “Lo..?”

He looked up, wiping at his eyes. “Apologies. That- none of it was fair on you.”

“What? No, I don’t give a shit about that. I signed up for it.” Remus dropped down next to him. “More concerned about you.”

“... Me?”

“Yeah, that was fuckin rough- just give the word and I’ll feed ‘em to the pigs, because damn.”

Logan laughed, a half sniffle. “I believe the phrase is ‘feed them to the fish’.”

“Well that’s stupid. Everyone knows you feed bodies to pigs.”

Logan decided not to question that… Instead, he hesitantly leant into Remus’ side. To his surprise, the other boy put an arm around him. “Specs?” He asked, after a minute.

“Hmm?” Logan shifted a little to meet Remus’ gaze.

“How come ya reacted so badly?”

Ah. Logan swallowed. He wasn’t too sure himself, really, but… “They had no right to speak to you like that.”

Remus stared at him quizzically, and Logan found himself meeting his gaze. They stayed like that, for longer than Logan cared to measure, before Remus finally asked, “Can I kiss you?”

For some reason, the question didn’t take Logan by surprise. He nodded and, grinning, Remus brought his mouth down to meet his.