#securi dormi is rough latin for goodnight

[incorrectskyrimquotes]

Like I actively tried to kill myself at least once a year between 2013 and 2018. But I lived. Every single time.

And thank the powers that be that I did. Bc I've been able to do so SO much with my life. I mean, even before my brain really decided "hey fuck this" I was doing good.

But that's the thing. I dont NEED to good. Something I've learned (and still struggle with tbh) is that I don't have to justify my existence. At all. I could do absolutely nothing with my life and it's still valuable

At the end of the day, the week, the month, the year, the life, my HUSBAND(!) loves me. He moved away from everything he had ever known to be with me.

He'd never admit this, but I think he likes America better. If just for the food. (Sorry to my British friends but we got u beat there)

What I'm trying to say is

Actually. Idk what I'm trying to say. I'm sobering up and I'll deal w the brynjolf pegging nonsense tomorrow(/later (it's not tomorrow until I sleep goddamnit)).

Ig I'm just grateful. For this blog. For my life. There's a good metaphor out there somewhere. A dog wants a chocolate chip bagel, more than anything, and begs and whines and whimpers for it.

The dog, being a dog, doesn't understand that that bagel will KILL it. And not only hurt the poor dog, but everyone who loves the dog.

There was once a time I thought I wanted to die. More than ANYTHING I thought I wanted to die. I didn't quite understand how that would hurt the people in my life. How my (at the time) shit mental health and even shittier ways of dealing w it hurt those around me.

How if I, god forbid, really did kill myself, so many people would miss me. And I don't mean just my absence on social media. I mean people who love me. My friends. My family. My brothers and sister.

My husband. Who has known me since 2013. Can you believe that? We've known each other ten entire years. And I'm glad we were friends first. I'm glad we had figured out how to speak each other's language (something I truly struggled with until 2019) before we tried a relationship.

And even people I don't know. I have saved lives (no further detail; hipaa violation). There are people alive because I am also alive. Because for some reason the powers that be dictated that I woke up in a hospital instead of hell. Over and over and over.

Idk. Idk what I mean by all of this. I guess I'm just. Grateful. Grateful I'm alive. Grateful I have this blog. Grateful for the numerous and wonderful new friends I've mad lately. Grateful that in spite of everything, I'm still me.

Goodnight, I'll see everyone tomorrow and/or Monday (whenever I'm not busy).

I love you guys. I do. Securi dormi.