#see ill get all dressed up to go to aldis

[pbandjesse]

I find it really frustrating that I can not fall asleep at night and then I am not awake and happy until like 4 pm. Its frustrating. And like. If I had a scheduled job like James, that went from 2 til 10. I honestly think I would enjoy that. Because at least Im awake for most of that time and maybe it would knock me out after. I miss my afternoon job. I miss overnights. I hope as the world opens up again I can find something like that again. 

Today wasnt all bad. But I was so tired. Its that kind of tired where I can barely see straight. Its not fun. James woke me up like I asked. And I got a shower and washed the leftover dye out of my hair. I wore my new dress and I felt very cute. I got on animal crossing for a little but after I completed the little tasks I had I just sat on the couch and watched videos. I had a donut.  And we hung out for a while. 

But I was. Very tired. He decided around 11 to start getting ready for a bike ride. And I told him I felt like a drain on our family and he tried to make me feel like I wasnt. Because he really doesnt feel like I am. But its hard. Capitalism has tainted my self worth. But it is nice to hear him tell me that its okay. 

So while he biked I stopped fighting myself and slept. But I slept a lot longer than I expected to. I asked James to wake me up when he got back but I honestly dont know when he got back. Because he did come wake me up but I think I fell back asleep? Unclear. I wandered out around 130 and he was making pasta and offered to make me lunch. I asked for a grilled cheese. Which was good but I have a wound on the roof of my mouth again so it hurt to eat it. 

But we sat together and ate our lunch until it was time for him to leave for work. 

I didnt really know what to do with myself. James suggested working on stuff for me and Jess's store because he can tell I feel better when I am making that stuff. And its true. But it was hard to like. Get started. I also knew I had to go to the grocery store and get white vinegar and quarters. And I thought I would try to find a jean jacket to paint or bead. 

So I psyched myself up and headed out. I decided to drive to the thrift store fire. And I didnt have amazing luck, but I did find a pretty good jean jacket. It smelled weird though so I put it in the laundry when I got home. And I got a pair of sweatpants and a sweater for James. I saw there was a Lidel across the street and I had heard it was a nice grocery store so I decided to try it out. 

I would say. Mixed results. It was very pretty inside. Kind of a fancier Aldi. A really nice baked good section. I did get vinegar. And they had bundles of dried lavender so I got one of those for the car. Which I dropped all over the self check out and made the security guard laugh at me. Oops. 

Since I did not get the quarters (or soda) I needed. I put in the grocery store by Hampden and headed there. I was like a half hour away. Which was a little surprising. But that was okay. I had a nice drive. 

When I got there I decided I would order chipotle because it was in the same shopping center. And when I logged into my account I found I had a free entree! Excellent. So I got free chipotle for dinner. And I got my quarters and soda and was in a very good mood. 

I walked across the street and grabbed my food. The manager there was really nice. And then it was time to go home. 

I got back here and unpack a few things. Had my chipotle, which was very good. As I finished eating I felt a little mad because I actually felt good. Like perfectly awake and happy. And it was 530 pm. It was just. Frustrating. But I decided to go with it. 

I cleaned. I tried to run the dishwasher and found the start button isnt working? So I washed everything by hand. James says he'll look into it and if we cant figure it out well ask Mr Will.  

But I vacuumed and got to work on some shop stuff. I photographed all the little things. And a tote bag. And since I was doing all the frog plushes I decided. What the hell. Ill post it on my frog instagram. I havent posted on there since June but I still have 3000 followers. So what the hell. 

And I am so glad I did. Because within an hour I had 300 likes on the first post and nice comments excited I was coming back and that the froggies were going to be for sale finally. And that gave me so much joy that people were excited so I got some inspiration for more froggie based things. Like making patches on the totebags. And so I worked for a couple hours making some of those. I am really excited. We already have like 30 followers on the new instagram. I am just really excited that other people are excited. It gives me something to work for. 

I worked on those frogs for a while. And then went to get the mail. My new velvet body suit came. The one fits great. The other is fine but was a surprise thong. Still will be good under a sweater which is the whole point of the body suits. 

I took a quick shower and now I am on the couch looking at creepy videos and thinking about making hot chocolate. I hope James comes home early. He has off tomorrow and I hope I can just feel normal like I do right now. 

Goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves. 

[elevenhoursinfront-blog]

18th May 2017

I woke up from a nightmare around 0400. I thought I had wet the bed but thankfully I hadn't. I was just sweating a great deal. I went to the bathroom to sort myself out and went back to bed. I woke up again around 0600. I'm dreaming of a good sleep. I snoozed my alarm for far too long and ended up being late down for breakfast. I get into a really rubbish mood when I have to rush. I'd rather get up earlier and have time to do things rather than rush. I like to get down for breakfast around 0800 so I can chill out for 45 minutes. I got down with Steve around 0815 which was not on track. I was in a bad mood. I left at 0945 and Steve enjoyed another day at home. Yesterday he went to Aldi and did a food shop, put his washing on - dried and put away. He almost managed to change the bed sheets but we didn't get there this time. He did have dinner ready so I'll let him off. I got to work and by 1030, we had been shouted at ridiculous amounts. It was our worst performance to date. There were 5 sales on the board by midday and that's awful. As a team, we should be on 20 plus. The big bosses were getting furious. We got pulled into the boardroom for meetings and all sorts. I don't know what data they were pulling out, but it was bad. Nobody was getting anywhere. We were told we weren't having a lunch until later, we needed to 'up our game' if we wanted to go... My friend Anand is originally from India but lives right next to Lakeside. I met him at Oz Green. Rick, the team leader, shouted at Anand today and said "What's got into you Anand, is it those lazy Indian genes of yours?!" Everyone was in total shock at his racist comment and he knew it. He backed it up with "I'm Indian too, so I can say it". Anand didn't know what to say. I felt so bad for him. He didn't say anything back but looked so disheartened. By 1330, I started to feel really ill. I needed something to eat as my blood sugar levels were dropping and I began to shake. I ate my sandwich at my desk quickly, quietly and sneakily. We normally have lunch at 1230. I went to the bathroom to chill out. I was ready to quit. I didn't care anymore. They made me feel so ill - anxious, tired, stressed. My phone started to ring and it was a private number. OH MY GOD, IT'S GOT TO BE REBECCA... "Hi Charlie, it's Bex here. I'm so sorry I haven't been in contact, I've been off sick. I have a job available in which I think you are the only one suited for. I do have to talk to you about it though. It's a high end job working with high end people. You need to be extremely professional. The role is customer service with data entry. You'll be phoning a lot of people, too. You'll be working at ANZCOG which is the Australia and New Zealand government. Would you be able to do that? It's for three weeks minimum but they may be able to extend you for longer. You start Monday". The words I have been waiting to hear for about 1 month. FINALLY!!! I was so excited. Thank God. I had lunch break and told my friends I was leaving. Kerry told Jon she was quitting next Friday. Jasmin told Rick she was quitting today, too. Now my turn... I couldn't stay for the rest of the day because I genuinely felt so ill. I thought I was going to either throw up or pass out, or both. I told Jon and left. Walking out of those doors lifted the biggest weight off of my shoulders, I can't even describe it. It was a physical weight, I'm not even lying. I've never felt anything like it. I told Steve I felt stupidly ill and was coming home. He knew I had a new job but he didn't know I felt ill. I got on the train and after 4 stops I was home. Steve had a chicken ceaser salad waiting for me as he knew it was hunger that made me feel ill. My head was pounding and I needed a nap afterwards. That job made me feel so rubbish! I laid in bed for a few hours before getting peckish. Steve, Dan and I went downstairs at 1800 for a cup of tea. I felt so much better. I still can't believe I never have to do that job again! It was Thursday which meant free food Thursday. This week was pasta bolognese which is 2 spoonfuls of pasta, one spoonful of bolognese and one pinch of cheese. I wasn't particularly hungry so that would fill me up. Steve wasn't hungry and didn't eat, it was just me. I text Sophie to see where she was and she asked me to go to her room. I walked there, knocked on the door and she answered. She then burst into tears, in my arms. I was about to cry, too! She had been told that she needs to have surgery to remove the cyst on the back of her neck. She's absolutely petrified and just wants to be at home for it. She's going in on Friday and can't come home until Sunday/Monday. I feel so sorry for her. The worst part is she's never had surgery, she's completely alone and then has to stay in a hostel to recover. She has to quit her job as she's only a temp, the wound has to be dressed every day. She was told it will cost around $8,000. Luckily, she's got health insurance. Poor thing. She's feeling right down in the dumps. I would too. After dinner, Steve and I chilled in the room sorting stuff out. I almost sorted our proxy vote forms to send home, I'll finish the rest tomorrow. I hope we're not too late. Steve grabbed some cheap sushi as he got peckish around 2130 which is why I told him to have the small dinner BUT, men know best! By 2330, we were in bed ready to go to sleep. Steve and Dan both have work at the same place tomorrow. It's an hour commute so their not best pleased with it. I'm thoroughly enjoying the fact that I get a lay in!

[12345imconsuming]

Day 16

2/7/20

This morning I slept in late- I was just so tired, and so I decided i will just go to the gym tomorrow. I contemplated taking the bus to michaels to buy knitting supplies for my packaging project, which is a knitting kit, but I decided against it because taking the bus takes too long. I took a shower before eating berry crisp cereal for breakfast. I just sat in the dining room doing homeweork listening to music on spotify and not talking to anyone. Around 1 I got up and made some crispy chickpeas for lunch - I haven’t made them in months, but its basically just fried chickpeas in oil with a ton of spices like curry powder, cayenne, etc. I had them with spinach and salad dressing and made an iced oat milk chai of course. 

I left for my nannying job at 1:30, and took the 3 into st paul to the elementary school, only to find that the parents didn’t tell me that they kept their kid home today. So after her teacher told me that, I went back to the bus stop and took the bus back home. By then I was hungry again so I microwaved mac and cheese with broccoli. I downloaded the Instagram app again - I really go through a back and forth with social media, some days I’ll delete it all and swear to never use it again, but then a few days later Ill start thinking about the fun aspects of it and go back. Currently I have twitter and facebook deactivated so only instagram. I ate my mac and cheese while responding to a frustrating email from one stop - they are kind of being the opposite of helpful.

I am waiting for my friend Alexa (these days she is one of the only people who I can reason with) to finish showering because we are going to Bob’s Java Hut in uptown. Its a coffee shop that closes late so we can stay a while and try to get homework done. We are also going to go to aldi which is amazing because I have really really needed groceries lately. I hope I can work on my splurchase paper and get ahead because around the end of February i have some big packaging stuff due that will take a lot of my energy. I have also been thinking about something, which is giving up one of my shifts at work. Yes, I have done the math and i will be losing about $200 every month, but I feel like my mental health has been getting really bad because of my work schedule and super long days. I may experiment by not going next thursday and then seeing how that goes, and then deciding, but right now I feel pretty sure. Its just been consuming me.